How to deal with patronising work colleague

HeavyHeaded

Looking for some help on how to handle a work colleague of mine. We work in the same job. Do pretty much the same role. However he is constantly making digs about how he has no qualifications and no prior experience and how he's still in the same job as me despite my qualifications and experience. It's at the point that when I have a day off I dread going back because he always comes up behind me and says "want me to show you what to do" it's not even a joke he's serious. I've snapped at him a couple of times for being patronising. It's making me so down that I have a day off tomorrow for an event and I'm already dreading Monday morning. He's a loud mouth and I'm very introverted so I feel like saying anything to my boss will back fire on me but it's driving me crazy and making me feel like crap.

zoobizoo

"how come you don't have qualifications?" Did you not do so well in school to get into college?"

"ohhhh. that's a pity, college was amazing, I had so much fun. I'd say you regret not going do you?".

"the great thing about having the degree is that it makes me more appealing to future employers... they like to see a degree on a c.v. A lot of jobs now jobs require one ya know"

"you want to show me how to do something I already know how to do? Nah, sure I know it already.... "

5rtytry56

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

He's a loud mouth and I'm very introverted

years ago, had 2 colleagues like that when I worked in call centre.
I'm an introvert too.
hmmm. how shall i put this? Can you try and adapt a "professional wooden" attitude toward him? ..More "ok, I see./right, sure" rather than be passive aggressive.

LegacyUser

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

he always comes up behind me and says "want me to show you what to do" it's not even a joke he's serious.

Nah you're grand, thanks though.
Repeat as often as necessary.
He'll eventually get tired & find a new hobby.

December2012

You know thats coming from his insecurity right?

how long have you been there? could you talk to HR about his disrespect? If you are hired to do a job, its because you can do the job. Im assuming he is not your supervisor and is not, actually supposed to show you what to do?

wally1990

He is a bully and what is he doing is bullying another employee (you)
simple as
Report it or he won't stop and you will be miserable

cloudatlas

Next time he comes up to you you say for example 'if you don't stop making inappropriate comments about my work performance then I am going to h.r./boss to make a complaint' and if it continues go to your boss. Do you have to communicate with him to do your job, if not could you request a move to another room part of office away from them? Your mental health is the most important here.

Ursus Horribilis

By snapping at this guy, you're giving him exactly the reaction he wants. He probably senses that you're the sort of person whose skin he can get in under. Why aren't you just ignoring him or telling him "If I wanted your advice, I'd look for it". Seeing as you've posted a few threads on boards at this stage, I'd suggest you go look for some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or something like that. I'll do you a world of good.

qwerty13

zoobizoo wrote: »

"how come you don't have qualifications?" Did you not do so well in school to get into college?"

"ohhhh. that's a pity, college was amazing, I had so much fun. I'd say you regret not going do you?".

"the great thing about having the degree is that it makes me more appealing to future employers... they like to see a degree on a c.v. A lot of jobs now jobs require one ya know"

"you want to show me how to do something I already know how to do? Nah, sure I know it already.... "

This is, in my opinion, how to play it. It will remove all power from him. And don’t snap at him - you are giving him exactly what he wants, a reaction where he feels more powerful than you, and knows that he can annoy you again if he repeats the same crap.

I find appearing to either mishear / asking him to repeat works wonders. Takes the wind out of the sails of someone like like that. Or, if he goes on about showing you what to do, just turn it around, pretending you misinterpreted what he said, and say (quite loudly) ‘oh, didn’t you know how to do that when I was off, I thought I’d showed you that a few times before. No problem, I’ll show you it again’.

My advice however, do not go to HR about this. I understand the very subtle bullying this guy is doing - but I genuinely think it’s better pretending to not take any notice of him, or play him at his own game. Much as I’d like to think that you’d get support from HR, I’m afraid it would only be lip service, and would work against you in the long term.

Not rising to someone like that wrecks their head. And when you realise that, and that you actually have the power, it’s quite an amusing thing to watch. I’ve had it it numerous times where people tried that on with me, probably because I am an introvert. But what bullies like that fail to realise with me is that I’m introverted, but I have my limits. I really do think the best way forward is to expose them for the eejit that they are though. Even though they are undoubtedly - subtle - bullies, you will come off looking like the ‘precious’ one if you complain. And people like your bully are so damn subtle that they will make you look bad. I’d definitely frustrate their attempts at bigging themselves up, and make them look like the fool that they are.

I really think it only takes a bit of bravery to do this (far less than a full-on confrontation), but trust me, as an introvert, I know what you’re going through, and this approach works wonders. And you will enjoy it after a little while!

HeavyHeaded

Thanks for all the responses. I agree with them all.
I don't think I would benefit by saying it to a manager / HR as I think it would backfire by them saying he's only having a laugh or I'm being too sensitive.


I do try to ignore him for the best part and some days (when we aren't talking about anything work related) we actually get on.
When I came back from lunch yesterday and he rolled up beside me and said "do you want me to explain xyz to you" he done so in a way that anyone who heard him probably thought he was being nice. I could feel my blood boil. My response was " do you want me to show you how to do something on your role. I know how to do this " but I know I said it in an angry tone and it bothered me all day.


On top of that there is the option to move to a new role in the new year. I expressed interest in this at my mid year discussion with my managers. Recently said colleague said to me " I wonder who's moving to that role next me or you" it annoyed me because I'm next in line but if he is giving it I will literally never hear the end of it.

qwerty13

I’ve been there so much. Would it be true to say that this person is a bit of a chancer? The reason I say that is everything you mention rings true with me!

All ‘friendly’, until he can use you. Strangely, you end up doing a lot more work than him. Any questions asked in a very low voice. Stupid crap where he prentends that he knows stuff - all said very loudly. Any time he’s being a prick, he’s ‘only joking’.

Please take my advise and do not engage with him. The more you let him know that he’s got to you, the more he’ll repeat his ****ty behaviour over and over for ever. Honestly, the treating him him as though he hasn’t heard you properly works wonders.

If I were you, I’d be all over the new role with your managers- asking for feedback, asking for their opinion, getting them o side. Well as long as it’s a step up. If it’s a step sideways, you may need to box a little more clever. But feck that re the bully getting the role you want! You’re better than that OP. You just need to get your self confidence back, and go for it.

Wishing you all the best.

HeavyHeaded

What would be the best response when I arrive into work Monday and he rolls his chair up to me and says "will I talk you through what happened Friday" or "any questions on your work".
Am I best to respond with a laugh or say "don't be so patronising" I know there will be steam coming out of me.

Another thing now that I think of it. I came into work last Tuesday and he had come in early and done all my work. I said to him not to do it again but it's things like that getting to me. As I said I'm an introvert so it's difficult for me to make a scene about it.

cloudatlas

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

What would be the best response when I arrive into work Monday and he rolls his chair up to me and says "will I talk you through what happened Friday" or "any questions on your work".
Am I best to respond with a laugh or say "don't be so patronising" I know there will be steam coming out of me.

Another thing now that I think of it. I came into work last Tuesday and he had come in early and done all my work. I said to him not to do it again but it's things like that getting to me. As I said I'm an introvert so it's difficult for me to make a scene about it.

Doing your work is a definite No No, go to your supervisor say you are concerned as X did all the work including your own and you would like there to be a clearly defined working arrangement where by the work is clearly divided and the supervisor communicates this to your colleague, don't criticise your colleague just emphasise that you want to do your fair share. Send an email if you are too shy to bring it up. This guy is trying to get a jump on you in terms of the new position he is probably sucking up to the supervisor. To the other comment say 'no I'm going to talk to the supervisor about Fridays work'. Don't deal with him. I don't want to be harsh here but engage as little as possible with this guy if you say nothing to supervisor then you've only yourself to blame.

shesty

OP this guy is screaming insecurity.Just try to remember that in the back of your head.He isn't making it obvious but he is very insecure.

The best answer to Monday is no thanks, I'll go through my emails now (assuming that's it?) and I'll know if there were any issues.

If the new role is a step up, then go for it (because he sure as hell will) and back yourself to be able to do it.Don't respond or engage to his comments on it other than non-commital responses like "hmm yeah I really don't know."

Ursus Horribilis

Do not, under any circumstances, accuse him of being patronising. That is just egging him on.

Hollister11

When your manager is in room next with both of you, give him a ultimatum. It's him or me.

If he picks him, has your resignation in your pocket and walk out the door.

Yellow pack crisps

Look him in the eye and say if you need help or you want to know anything you will ask. Keep your eye contact. He will get the message.

cloudatlas

Hollister11 wrote: »

When your manager is in room next with both of you, give him a ultimatum. It's him or me.

If he picks him, has your resignation in your pocket and walk out the door.

That's completely unprofessional besides the O.P has a good chance of getting a new role soon so why ruin that prospect because of the insecurities of the office moron.

Ursus Horribilis

Hollister11 wrote: »

When your manager is in room next with both of you, give him a ultimatum. It's him or me.

If he picks him, has your resignation in your pocket and walk out the door.

Seriously? That's awful advice and not how real life workplaces work.

I'm a manager and if somebody stood in my office and tried to tell me how to do my job in this fashion, I'd think long and hard about giving them any sort of promotion. Not only is it utterly unprofessional but it is a warning sign about who I'm working with. It's not the OP's place to decide who's hired and fired in her office. Which is what you're suggesting she does with that ridiculous "It's him or me" brinkmanship. No manager worth their salt would ever make a big decision like that based on the word of one employee. You don't know what their agenda is, nor are you in possession of the full facts.

With all due respect, you're still a college kid who has never worked in a proper job. You may find that when you start working, workplaces operate very differently to the way you think they do.

Besides, why should the OP put her own job at risk for a stunt like this? Unless you've got another job and references lined up and ready to go, dramatic walk outs from jobs don't always end well.

qwerty13

Hollister11 wrote: »

When your manager is in room next with both of you, give him a ultimatum. It's him or me.

If he picks him, has your resignation in your pocket and walk out the door.

This is truly awful advice. Please don’t do this. Your manager will be left wondering what on earth is going on, as they don’t seem to have any prior knowledge of the subtle bullying going on - so to them, you will have pulled an absolutely massive strop for no reason. It’s childish, aggressive, and utterly pointless as it is guaranteed to not get you what you what.

If you do this, you are also effectively bullying your manager into a reaction. Which makes you not much better than your nasty colleague. I highly doubt that any manager would stand for being treated like this, and you may find yourself being managed out of the company. And not without reason.

miamee

On Monday. when he rolls up and asks do you want him to show you how to do XYZ, say (as loudly as him) something along the lines of "If you wanted me to talk through xyz with you, you only had to ask" turn it around so it sounds like he's asking you for help.

Ask him did he miss you on Friday and was he able to get all his work done without you there to help him. Make it jokey and rattle his cage a bit. If you felt like being really mischievous, you could get in early Monday and get all of HIS work done though that depends on how that would be viewed by your superiors. Also, I don't think I'd be bothered doing anyone else's work for them just to prove a point but it's something to think about.

Rubberchikken

I think other than being straight up with him you are going to have to keep dealing with this Muppet or leave.

He is a bully no two ways about it and needs to stop or be stopped. I don't think he'll stop on his own so only you can decide what to do. Tell him straight to his face and make sure you have a witness to your grievance or go to someone in charge.

HeavyHeaded

Ummm, I definitely won't be giving my boss an ultimatum. I'm not irreplaceable and don't fancy losing my job because of an asshole who belittles me.

It's Saturday night now and I already have the anxious feeling of going into work next week.

I have thought of looking for a new job but want to see how things pan out first.

Ursus Horribilis

Thing is, even if you leave this job you could run into a problem like this again in the future. You're going to run into a-holes in many workplaces. Perhaps you could use this to learn how to deal with them. Why are you letting him get under your skin? Have you explored this with a therapist?

Big Bag of Chips

I would reply to him with a question.

Him: do you want me to show you xyz?
You: no. why would I want you to show me xyz
Him: in case you're not sure about xyz
You: why would you think I'm unsure of xyz?

Just keep repeating back to him whatever question he asks you. I can tell you though, it won't put him off. There are people like him everywhere, and they usually do very well in companies because they make the right sounds in front of the right people. In his mind he is superior to you. And there is every chance he will be given whatever this role is ahead of you, so prepare yourself for that.

Work environments don't usually work on whose "turn" it is. They usually go by who will be best at the job. And if he's making it clear that he's the best one they have, then he will probably be given the role. I have seen arseholes and bull****ters rise their way through companies by playing the game.

Augme

Op you'll get people like this is lots of jobs. Either learn how to deal with it now or else you'll just end up running from uncomfortable situations for life. From a personal development point of view this is a great chance for you to stand up for yourself. It will be a huge help for you in the long run. It's good to confront your own insecurities.

Neyite

Who's the newest out of you OP? It sounds like you or he joined that team recently.

If you are new, well, no matter what your qualifications are, there will always be a small element of learning on the job how that particular company do certain thing. He might be genuinely trying to help you settle in and make sure that you aren't struggling with anything. In my workplace we get new staff senior to my position who have experience and qualifications far beyond anything I have but I'm in the job longer and it's part of my job to help them get to know and follow internal procedures unique to our firm.

If he's the new one, then that changes things - he may be insecure and it's a bit of bravado. He might be anxious to make a good impression, or to try to demonstrate that he's picking up things quickly.

jackboy

OP, don't let him stress you out. You haven't described anything too bad. If you are this easily stressed you are absolutely not suitable for promotion.

Ursus Horribilis

jackboy wrote: »

OP, don't let him stress you out. You haven't described anything too bad. If you are this easily stressed you are absolutely not suitable for promotion.

I hate to say it but there is more than a grain of truth in this comment. I'm another person who can't understand why your colleague's behaviour has you so stressed out. At worst, you should be irritated by him. Instead, you've allowed him to dick you around (did he sense that you were the type he could wind up?) and you don't appear to have the tools to deal with people like him. Realistically, would you be able for a promotion and the increased responsibility that comes with that? How would you be able to handle managing this particular colleague if you became his boss? You're not able to handle him as things stand. He's not going to change his ways even if you become his manager.

HeavyHeaded

I'm on this team longer. He joined from another team. So he's with the company longer over all. However, this is his first job in the area and it's my 4th job in this area along with 4 years of qualifications.

I get stressed out but I don't let it show. I've been complimented by my manager in the past for been able to stay calm under pressure which is funny because in my head I'm screaming, but being an introvert I wouldn't have the confidence to let stress show.

December2012

Can you do something to deal with this stress? Like running, weights, etc? If it’s notherung you at the weekend then it seems to me like your brain doesn’t get to rest and switch it off.

If you’re good at your job, great
Be confident as you do it.
Recognise he is being patronizing
Realizing you don’t know yet how you can stop him or if you can - cool.
Now switch off. If too can’t do anything about it yet stop thinking about it so much

HeavyHeaded

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I would reply to him with a question.

Him: do you want me to show you xyz?
You: no. why would I want you to show me xyz
Him: in case you're not sure about xyz
You: why would you think I'm unsure of xyz?

.

This is what I'll do when I get back. I'll be prepared when I go back as in the past it's taken me by surprise and my responses may not have been what I wanted.

LynnGrace

If you are otherwise happy in the job, I certainly wouldn't be thinking of leaving because of him. Those people are everywhere, believe me. As said upthread, they always know the right noises to make when management are around.
If you are going to start asking him 'why would I need you to tell me etc' make sure to smile, in a slightly puzzled fashion, as you are doing it. He won't know what to make of that.

Ursus Horribilis

You also need to learn how to shut down people like this, rather than engaging with them and allowing them to push your buttons.

HeavyHeaded

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You also need to learn how to shut down people like this, rather than engaging with them and allowing them to push your buttons.

I definitely do. It's making be dread work which isn't good either.

by8auj6csd3ioq

ignore him

robbiezero

Next time he mentions his lack of qualifications just say to him nicely - "Why don't you try and do something about it, like a course or night classes etc"?
He will respond that he doesn't need them etc and you can reply - "Then why does it bother you so much".