When a lady doesnt mention her O/H

LegacyUser

Started working with a woman a couple of months ago. We get on well, had a feeling she was into me and the feeling was mutual. One day I overheard her talking to another guy in the office that she had a boyfriend. Most other women in the office talk about their boyfriends etc regularly in front of me but this lady seems to keep particularly quiet in front of me?

What's the beef?

Tokyo

The answer I'm guessing you're looking for OP, is that she's attracted to you as you are to her, and therefore hasn't mentioned a boyfriend because of feelings for you.

The reality is that whether it's true or not doesn't really matter, nor do her motivations for keeping it quiet - if that is indeed what she has done, and you're not reading too much into the situation - you mention that you have a feeling that she's into you, but it doesn't sound like that's a conversation you've ever had with her. There could be a multitude of reasons why she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend - maybe she simply wants to keep her private life and work life separate for now. There's no way of knowing for sure.

Either way, now you do know she has a boyfriend, so the smartest way to proceed is by bearing that knowledge in mind, and keeping things professional.

woodchuck

Do you know the relationship status of every single person you work with? I doubt it. A lot of people like to keep their private life private. The only reason you're bothered is because you fancy her. Now that you know she has a boyfriend, you should keep things professional.

Ursus Horribilis

I worked for years with a guy who kept his private life very private. It was only by chance someone found out that he had a long term partner he was living with. Which was fair enough. He was only a colleague.

Back to the OP, it's best to keep things professional and above board. Workplace romances are all well and good until something goes wrong. This has trouble written all over it so it's better to steer clear. Do you really want to be a colleague's bit on the side?

Its really none of yr business OP

It's ok to feel the vibe off someone. But to project behaviour/motivation onto someone based on the vibe (which if not actually discussed may exist only in your own head) is a strange step

Airyfairy12

Unless she's told you she's interested you may just be projecting. Ive been in countless situations with men were ive been myself, not flirty in anyway but they'll twist our encounters into something they aren't and then get annoyed when they dont get the sex/relationship/date they were expecting. Make life a little easier for yourself and dont jump to conclusions about her intentions. Why would she randomly tell you she had a partner unless it came up in conversation?
Does she talk and behave towards everyone else the same way she does to you? Is she asking for personal contact info from you like whatsapp or facebook? is she messaging you anything flirty or suggestive? Someone acting nice towards you, chatting to you doesnt mean theyre flirting, she could just actually be a nice person. So if she's not giving you any special treatment and she hasn't suggested she likes you more than a friend you might be getting your wires crossed.

by8auj6csd3ioq

maybe his wires are crossed and maybe she is giving mixed messages. some women do that as much as men project and get wrong impressions. some women are nice to men because they may want some help with something sometime . maybe she sees you as a potential 'friend'

cailin.

Kiera Spicy Yodeler wrote: »

maybe his wires are crossed and maybe she is giving mixed messages. some women do that as much as men project and get wrong impressions. some women are nice to men because they may want some help with something sometime . maybe she sees you as a potential 'friend'

This is a slightly archaic view. Woman needing man to fix things for her so she befriends male colleague?

Maybe the woman just thinks the OP is nice and chooses not to mention her boyfriend because it's none of anyone's business?

It's fine to be attracted to the opposite sex however it's extremely likely the woman sees the OP in a platonically unless she has clearly demonstrated otherwise; which she hasn't based on what the OP has said.

Noo

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Unless she's told you she's interested you may just be projecting. Ive been in countless situations with men were ive been myself, not flirty in anyway but they'll twist our encounters into something they aren't and then get annoyed when they dont get the sex/relationship/date they were expecting. Make life a little easier for yourself and dont jump to conclusions about her intentions. Why would she randomly tell you she had a partner unless it came up in conversation?
Does she talk and behave towards everyone else the same way she does to you? Is she asking for personal contact info from you like whatsapp or facebook? is she messaging you anything flirty or suggestive? Someone acting nice towards you, chatting to you doesnt mean theyre flirting, she could just actually be a nice person. So if she's not giving you any special treatment and she hasn't suggested she likes you more than a friend you might be getting your wires crossed.

Your post reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend recently. We have another friend who drop dead stunning, fabulous looking girl, pretty face great body, isn't aware of how fabulous she is! Has an amazing personality. Naturally guys just flock to her, she is super nice, friendly to everyone, she'll help out guy friends and even invite them to things socially etc. Of course it isn't until they find out shes a lesbian do they turn all nasty on her. We commented that its an interesting insight into some guys behaviour and their interpretation of a womans behaviour. She would have not lead them on in anyway yet the amount of guys who think they are on dates with her or get nasty when the can't have anything more is incredible.

sashafierce

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LegacyUser

sashafierce wrote: »

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Well I'd say her boyfriend wouldn't be feeling to good about it

Tigger99

Or maybe she's equally nice to everyone and she doesn't see it as flirting.

I wouldn't talk about my love life in work. It's got nothing to do with my job and doesn't really belong in a professional setting. She could be the same. Plus she should not feel like she has to say she does, which is what you're seeming to insinuate.

qwerty13

sashafierce wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I would hope that she didn’t do this. I have no time for it, and I think it’s quite a nasty thing to do. The only person left not ‘feeling good’ about it is the poor lug being used to boost someone’s ego.

Having said that, I didn’t read the OP that way. I thought more a case of mis-read signals.

Whatever the reason she didn’t mention her BF, the fact is that she has one, and the OP should leave it at that

by8auj6csd3ioq

This is a slightly archaic view. Woman needing man to fix things for her so she befriends male colleague?

Maybe the woman just thinks the OP is nice and chooses not to mention her boyfriend because it's none of anyone's business?

It's fine to be attracted to the opposite sex however it's extremely likely the woman sees the OP in a platonically unless she has clearly demonstrated otherwise; which she hasn't based on what the OP has said.

i don't think it is archaic. women are very clever. women have told me they do this to men quite recently. i think it nieve to think it archaic. some women love 'friends' so long as they stay 'friends'

Tigger99

Kiera Spicy Yodeler wrote: »

i don't think it is archaic. women are very clever. women have told me they do this to men quite recently. i think it nieve to think it archaic. some women love 'friends' so long as they stay 'friends'

Ok this is going to blow your mind. Not all women think the same.

Or indeed engage in manipulate behaviour you refer to.

cailin.

Kiera Spicy Yodeler wrote: »

i don't think it is archaic. women are very clever. women have told me they do this to men quite recently. i think it nieve to think it archaic. some women love 'friends' so long as they stay 'friends'

Maybe you have had bad personal experiences of misreading signals from women who want to just be your friend. Women don't actively put on the damsel in distress front to get things done by men -- it's frankly a ridiculous notion to assume women are all out to manipulate men.

Crossed wires can happen, attraction to people or colleagues is also normal but the female colleague of the OP shouldn't have to explain why she doesn't discuss her love life. I certainly don't in a work setting because it's personal information.

It being made into a 'situation' is due to the OP's interpretation of his colleague's behaviour.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Ok this is going to blow your mind. Not all women think the same.

Or indeed engage in manipulate behaviour you refer to."


i did not say all women did. i said some. so don't be trying to jump in for the thanks

by8auj6csd3ioq

"Maybe you have had bad personal experiences of misreading signals from women who want to just be your friend. Women don't actively put on the damsel in distress front to get things done by men -- it's frankly a ridiculous notion to assume women are all out to manipulate men.

Crossed wires can happen, attraction to people or colleagues is also normal but the female colleague of the OP shouldn't have to explain why she doesn't discuss her love life. I certainly don't in a work setting because it's personal information.

It being made into a 'situation' is due to the OP's interpretation of his colleague's behaviour."

I didn't have bad experience. why you put it on me because you cannot accept the reality that some do. another thanks hunter

by8auj6csd3ioq

"It being made into a 'situation' is due to the OP's interpretation of his colleague's behaviour." that is just your interpretation you do not know what is going on. she may see the op as being more inexperienced where women are concerned

woodchuck

Jack Magee, what you're suggesting is possible, but not very likely. Frankly your view of women is quite insulting and while there are some women out there who paint us all in a bad light, most of us aren't like that. What is much more likely is that the woman in question just wants to keep her private life private.

by8auj6csd3ioq

ack Magee, what you're suggesting is possible, but not very likely. Frankly your view of women is quite insulting and while there are some women out there who paint us all in a bad light, most of us aren't like that. What is much more likely is that the woman in question just wants to keep her private life private."

I cannot help if you chose to be insulted. no where did i say it was my view of all women. i said it was possible and worth considering. the op asked for opinions. i gave some popssibilities. some women like to have someone on the back burner, some are in fact very manipulative That is a fact.

by8auj6csd3ioq

and as you do not know the person you do not know how likely or uinlikely it is. i did not say likely i said possible

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

There's a quote button Jack.

OP, it could be any number of things.

Maybe she has no boyfriend and was strategically dropping an imaginary one into conversation with this specific co-worker. Maybe there was a particularly good reason to mention a real boyfriend in that specific conversation even though she usually keeps her private life separate. Maybe it's a new boyfriend. Maybe it is what you're hoping it is, though that seems like a messy situation best avoided IMO.

What is it exactly that made you think there was romantic interest from her? Look at your interactions honestly and try to see if you're just misreading friendliness because you find her attractive. Apart from mentioning her boyfriend, does she interact with you differently than with other co-workers? Some people are just chatty and flirty and friendly, broad spectrum.

by8auj6csd3ioq

There's a quote button Jack."

you are a mod?

by8auj6csd3ioq

It just goes to show how unthinking people are here when you see all the thanks for someone who corrected me for something i did not say. People do not read properly or think properly

OP learn to think for yourself and consider all angles. Consider what she does talk to you about and why that might be and how if differs from what she talks to the guy who she did tell about her bf. Or you could always ask her why does not mention him to you.

charlietheminxx

Kiera Spicy Yodeler wrote: »

Or you could always ask her why does not mention him to you.

I would be livid if a colleague asked me this. Frankly, my personal life is my own business and while a couple of my coworkers know I’m in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t feel the need to declare it to all and sundry. My work life and personal life have a very defined line, plenty of professionals feel the same way.

Bambi985

Big Yacht Lover 2017 wrote: »

One day I overheard her talking to another guy in the office that she had a boyfriend. Most other women in the office talk about their boyfriends etc regularly in front of me but this lady seems to keep particularly quiet in front of me?

What's the beef?

The beef is probably that she's not "most other women" who talk openly about their relationships and their partners in the workplace. She might like to keep her private life private unless specifically asked a question or involved in a conversation where it naturally crops up.

The beef you would like is obviously that she is into you and is refraining from mentioning him because she wants you to fancy her and pursue her, but I'm afraid there's absolutely no evidence pointing at that except in your own head.

by8auj6csd3ioq

I would be livid if a colleague asked me this. Frankly, my personal life is my own business and while a couple of my coworkers know I’m in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t feel the need to declare it to all and sundry

That is a fair point but the OP said she had told another guy. OP can you say if she knows the other guy longer than she knows you. I once shared an ofice with a girl for a couple of months but there would have been othere who knew her a lot longer working in othere offices

LegacyUser

She knows the other guy a similar amount of time, about a month longer. We started working together about 3 months ago. Our jobs overlap a lot more than the other guy, so we'd talk a lot more than with the other.


Anyhow thanks for the advice folks. I haven't really been chatting that much to her over the last week or so. I keep it purely work related. I change the subject to work whenever general chit-chat comes up.

GingerLily

Big Yacht Lover 2017 wrote: »

She knows the other guy a similar amount of time, about a month longer. We started working together about 3 months ago. Our jobs overlap a lot more than the other guy, so we'd talk a lot more than with the other.


Anyhow thanks for the advice folks. I haven't really been chatting that much to her over the last week or so. I keep it purely work related. I change the subject to work whenever general chit-chat comes up.

Are you freezing her out because she has a boyfriend? Would you do the same if up found out a male work colleague had a girlfriend?
It's a pity you don't know how to have a healthy relationship with your female work colleagues.......

LegacyUser

GingerLily wrote: »

Are you freezing her out because she has a boyfriend? Would you do the same if up found out a male work colleague had a girlfriend?
It's a pity you don't know how to have a healthy relationship with your female work colleagues.......

I have plenty of good relationships with woman that I work with, fancy and have husband's/boyfriends. In this case, as with the advice given in the thread, I feel it's important to keep things professional and to limit any general conversation.

by8auj6csd3ioq

Anyhow thanks for the advice folks. I haven't really been chatting that much to her over the last week or so. I keep it purely work related. I change the subject to work whenever general chit-chat comes up.

You're right too. Make a life for yourself and find someone who wants you for yourself

witchgirl26

Big Yacht Lover 2017 wrote: »

She knows the other guy a similar amount of time, about a month longer. We started working together about 3 months ago. Our jobs overlap a lot more than the other guy, so we'd talk a lot more than with the other.

OP it could be as simple as the other colleague asked or asked a question that would have led her to say "oh myself and my boyfriend are doing xyz at the weekend". There doesn't have to be a whole big thing about it. Or maybe she just felt more comfortable talking about something with him. I've confided more in colleagues I've known less time then others purely because, while I'd be happy to chat away to the others on an overall level, I didn't have the same connection.

Big Yacht Lover 2017 wrote: »

Anyhow thanks for the advice folks. I haven't really been chatting that much to her over the last week or so. I keep it purely work related. I change the subject to work whenever general chit-chat comes up.

Big Yacht Lover 2017 wrote: »

I have plenty of good relationships with woman that I work with, fancy and have husband's/boyfriends. In this case, as with the advice given in the thread, I feel it's important to keep things professional and to limit any general conversation.

OP you can keep things professional but also have some chit-chat. That is part of being professional by maintaining relationships in the work place. If you constantly revert back to only talking about work when colleagues are trying to have a bit of a chat, then it can come across really badly.

I think the advice was more around stop making a big deal about this in your head because she didn't immediately tell you she was taken.

You're taking it out on her when realistically she has done absolutely nothing wrong here except be in a relationship and tell someone else that.

GingerLily

Big Yacht Lover 2017 wrote: »

I have plenty of good relationships with woman that I work with, fancy and have husband's/boyfriends. In this case, as with the advice given in the thread, I feel it's important to keep things professional and to limit any general conversation.

You're response is very childish - I feel like your punishing her because you didn't like the responses here on boards.

If you want to act professional you should be able to talk to colleagues that sit next to you about their Christmas Plans, commute to work etc. It's normal and creates a healthy work environment, rather than a hostile unpleasant one.

by8auj6csd3ioq

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If you want to act professional you should be able to talk to colleagues that sit next to you about their Christmas Plans, commute to work etc. It's normal and creates a healthy work environment, rather than a hostile unpleasant one.

by this reasoning the lady should be able to talk about her boyfriend to the OP. Can't have it both ways where the lady wants to talk about some of personal life but not others and she chooses. who is being hostile then?

GingerLily

Kiera Spicy Yodeler wrote: »

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by this reasoning the lady should be able to talk about her boyfriend to the OP. Can't have it both ways where the lady wants to talk about some of personal life but not others and she chooses. who is being hostile then?

I don't think you understand normal social etiquette, inside or outside the workplace.

by8auj6csd3ioq

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I don't think you understand normal social etiquette, inside or outside the workplace.

you are unable to disagree with someone without insulting them. you are the one who has a problem with social etiquette trying to dictate what people should talk about. anyone who disagrees with you is wrong lol

witchgirl26

Kiera Spicy Yodeler wrote: »

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by this reasoning the lady should be able to talk about her boyfriend to the OP. Can't have it both ways where the lady wants to talk about some of personal life but not others and she chooses. who is being hostile then?

She should be able to if she wants to but there are levels of personal information allowed. The commute to work, generic plans etc. She doesn't have to announce she has a boyfriend or update colleagues on the ins and outs of it. I only talk about some of my personal life with work colleagues as they're work colleagues not close friends.

dudara

Posters - there’s a bit of back and forth going on, which is detracting from the OP’s request. So let’s keep focused on offering advice to the OP.

Also, let’s have less of the “manipulative women” comments please, as they’re not really adding any specific help.

dudara

by8auj6csd3ioq

She should be able to if she wants to but there are levels of personal information allowed. The commute to work, generic plans etc. She doesn't have to announce she has a boyfriend or update colleagues on the ins and outs of it. I only talk about some of my personal life with work colleagues as they're work colleagues not close friends.

op should also have the choice of talking about what he wants. you cannot say she has that right but he does not. anyway i am finished with this as only certain opinions are allowed