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When a lady doesnt mention her O/H

  • 19-11-2017 11:42AM
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭


    Started working with a woman a couple of months ago. We get on well, had a feeling she was into me and the feeling was mutual. One day I overheard her talking to another guy in the office that she had a boyfriend. Most other women in the office talk about their boyfriends etc regularly in front of me but this lady seems to keep particularly quiet in front of me?

    What's the beef?


«1

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,655 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    The answer I'm guessing you're looking for OP, is that she's attracted to you as you are to her, and therefore hasn't mentioned a boyfriend because of feelings for you.

    The reality is that whether it's true or not doesn't really matter, nor do her motivations for keeping it quiet - if that is indeed what she has done, and you're not reading too much into the situation - you mention that you have a feeling that she's into you, but it doesn't sound like that's a conversation you've ever had with her. There could be a multitude of reasons why she hasn't mentioned her boyfriend - maybe she simply wants to keep her private life and work life separate for now. There's no way of knowing for sure.

    Either way, now you do know she has a boyfriend, so the smartest way to proceed is by bearing that knowledge in mind, and keeping things professional.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Do you know the relationship status of every single person you work with? I doubt it. A lot of people like to keep their private life private. The only reason you're bothered is because you fancy her. Now that you know she has a boyfriend, you should keep things professional.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I worked for years with a guy who kept his private life very private. It was only by chance someone found out that he had a long term partner he was living with. Which was fair enough. He was only a colleague.

    Back to the OP, it's best to keep things professional and above board. Workplace romances are all well and good until something goes wrong. This has trouble written all over it so it's better to steer clear. Do you really want to be a colleague's bit on the side?


  • Posts: 11,195 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Its really none of yr business OP

    It's ok to feel the vibe off someone. But to project behaviour/motivation onto someone based on the vibe (which if not actually discussed may exist only in your own head) is a strange step


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,460 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Unless she's told you she's interested you may just be projecting. Ive been in countless situations with men were ive been myself, not flirty in anyway but they'll twist our encounters into something they aren't and then get annoyed when they dont get the sex/relationship/date they were expecting. Make life a little easier for yourself and dont jump to conclusions about her intentions. Why would she randomly tell you she had a partner unless it came up in conversation?
    Does she talk and behave towards everyone else the same way she does to you? Is she asking for personal contact info from you like whatsapp or facebook? is she messaging you anything flirty or suggestive? Someone acting nice towards you, chatting to you doesnt mean theyre flirting, she could just actually be a nice person. So if she's not giving you any special treatment and she hasn't suggested she likes you more than a friend you might be getting your wires crossed.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    maybe his wires are crossed and maybe she is giving mixed messages. some women do that as much as men project and get wrong impressions. some women are nice to men because they may want some help with something sometime . maybe she sees you as a potential 'friend'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭cailin.


    maybe his wires are crossed and maybe she is giving mixed messages. some women do that as much as men project and get wrong impressions. some women are nice to men because they may want some help with something sometime . maybe she sees you as a potential 'friend'

    This is a slightly archaic view. Woman needing man to fix things for her so she befriends male colleague?

    Maybe the woman just thinks the OP is nice and chooses not to mention her boyfriend because it's none of anyone's business?

    It's fine to be attracted to the opposite sex however it's extremely likely the woman sees the OP in a platonically unless she has clearly demonstrated otherwise; which she hasn't based on what the OP has said.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,989 ✭✭✭Noo


    Unless she's told you she's interested you may just be projecting. Ive been in countless situations with men were ive been myself, not flirty in anyway but they'll twist our encounters into something they aren't and then get annoyed when they dont get the sex/relationship/date they were expecting. Make life a little easier for yourself and dont jump to conclusions about her intentions. Why would she randomly tell you she had a partner unless it came up in conversation?
    Does she talk and behave towards everyone else the same way she does to you? Is she asking for personal contact info from you like whatsapp or facebook? is she messaging you anything flirty or suggestive? Someone acting nice towards you, chatting to you doesnt mean theyre flirting, she could just actually be a nice person. So if she's not giving you any special treatment and she hasn't suggested she likes you more than a friend you might be getting your wires crossed.

    Your post reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend recently. We have another friend who drop dead stunning, fabulous looking girl, pretty face great body, isn't aware of how fabulous she is! Has an amazing personality. Naturally guys just flock to her, she is super nice, friendly to everyone, she'll help out guy friends and even invite them to things socially etc. Of course it isn't until they find out shes a lesbian do they turn all nasty on her. We commented that its an interesting insight into some guys behaviour and their interpretation of a womans behaviour. She would have not lead them on in anyway yet the amount of guys who think they are on dates with her or get nasty when the can't have anything more is incredible.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,599 ✭✭✭sashafierce


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    This post has been deleted.

    Well I'd say her boyfriend wouldn't be feeling to good about it


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    Or maybe she's equally nice to everyone and she doesn't see it as flirting.


  • Posts: 26,920 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I wouldn't talk about my love life in work. It's got nothing to do with my job and doesn't really belong in a professional setting. She could be the same. Plus she should not feel like she has to say she does, which is what you're seeming to insinuate.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    This post has been deleted.

    I would hope that she didn’t do this. I have no time for it, and I think it’s quite a nasty thing to do. The only person left not ‘feeling good’ about it is the poor lug being used to boost someone’s ego.

    Having said that, I didn’t read the OP that way. I thought more a case of mis-read signals.

    Whatever the reason she didn’t mention her BF, the fact is that she has one, and the OP should leave it at that


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    This is a slightly archaic view. Woman needing man to fix things for her so she befriends male colleague?

    Maybe the woman just thinks the OP is nice and chooses not to mention her boyfriend because it's none of anyone's business?

    It's fine to be attracted to the opposite sex however it's extremely likely the woman sees the OP in a platonically unless she has clearly demonstrated otherwise; which she hasn't based on what the OP has said.
    i don't think it is archaic. women are very clever. women have told me they do this to men quite recently. i think it nieve to think it archaic. some women love 'friends' so long as they stay 'friends'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    i don't think it is archaic. women are very clever. women have told me they do this to men quite recently. i think it nieve to think it archaic. some women love 'friends' so long as they stay 'friends'

    Ok this is going to blow your mind. Not all women think the same.

    Or indeed engage in manipulate behaviour you refer to.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 112 ✭✭cailin.


    i don't think it is archaic. women are very clever. women have told me they do this to men quite recently. i think it nieve to think it archaic. some women love 'friends' so long as they stay 'friends'

    Maybe you have had bad personal experiences of misreading signals from women who want to just be your friend. Women don't actively put on the damsel in distress front to get things done by men -- it's frankly a ridiculous notion to assume women are all out to manipulate men.

    Crossed wires can happen, attraction to people or colleagues is also normal but the female colleague of the OP shouldn't have to explain why she doesn't discuss her love life. I certainly don't in a work setting because it's personal information.

    It being made into a 'situation' is due to the OP's interpretation of his colleague's behaviour.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    Ok this is going to blow your mind. Not all women think the same.

    Or indeed engage in manipulate behaviour you refer to."


    i did not say all women did. i said some. so don't be trying to jump in for the thanks


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    "Maybe you have had bad personal experiences of misreading signals from women who want to just be your friend. Women don't actively put on the damsel in distress front to get things done by men -- it's frankly a ridiculous notion to assume women are all out to manipulate men.

    Crossed wires can happen, attraction to people or colleagues is also normal but the female colleague of the OP shouldn't have to explain why she doesn't discuss her love life. I certainly don't in a work setting because it's personal information.

    It being made into a 'situation' is due to the OP's interpretation of his colleague's behaviour."

    I didn't have bad experience. why you put it on me because you cannot accept the reality that some do. another thanks hunter


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    "It being made into a 'situation' is due to the OP's interpretation of his colleague's behaviour." that is just your interpretation you do not know what is going on. she may see the op as being more inexperienced where women are concerned


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,411 ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Jack Magee, what you're suggesting is possible, but not very likely. Frankly your view of women is quite insulting and while there are some women out there who paint us all in a bad light, most of us aren't like that. What is much more likely is that the woman in question just wants to keep her private life private.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    ack Magee, what you're suggesting is possible, but not very likely. Frankly your view of women is quite insulting and while there are some women out there who paint us all in a bad light, most of us aren't like that. What is much more likely is that the woman in question just wants to keep her private life private."

    I cannot help if you chose to be insulted. no where did i say it was my view of all women. i said it was possible and worth considering. the op asked for opinions. i gave some popssibilities. some women like to have someone on the back burner, some are in fact very manipulative That is a fact.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    and as you do not know the person you do not know how likely or uinlikely it is. i did not say likely i said possible


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,070 ✭✭✭✭pq0n1ct4ve8zf5


    There's a quote button Jack.

    OP, it could be any number of things.

    Maybe she has no boyfriend and was strategically dropping an imaginary one into conversation with this specific co-worker. Maybe there was a particularly good reason to mention a real boyfriend in that specific conversation even though she usually keeps her private life separate. Maybe it's a new boyfriend. Maybe it is what you're hoping it is, though that seems like a messy situation best avoided IMO.

    What is it exactly that made you think there was romantic interest from her? Look at your interactions honestly and try to see if you're just misreading friendliness because you find her attractive. Apart from mentioning her boyfriend, does she interact with you differently than with other co-workers? Some people are just chatty and flirty and friendly, broad spectrum.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    There's a quote button Jack."

    you are a mod?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    It just goes to show how unthinking people are here when you see all the thanks for someone who corrected me for something i did not say. People do not read properly or think properly

    OP learn to think for yourself and consider all angles. Consider what she does talk to you about and why that might be and how if differs from what she talks to the guy who she did tell about her bf. Or you could always ask her why does not mention him to you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,579 ✭✭✭charlietheminxx


    Or you could always ask her why does not mention him to you.

    I would be livid if a colleague asked me this. Frankly, my personal life is my own business and while a couple of my coworkers know I’m in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t feel the need to declare it to all and sundry. My work life and personal life have a very defined line, plenty of professionals feel the same way.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,274 ✭✭✭Bambi985


    One day I overheard her talking to another guy in the office that she had a boyfriend. Most other women in the office talk about their boyfriends etc regularly in front of me but this lady seems to keep particularly quiet in front of me?

    What's the beef?

    The beef is probably that she's not "most other women" who talk openly about their relationships and their partners in the workplace. She might like to keep her private life private unless specifically asked a question or involved in a conversation where it naturally crops up.

    The beef you would like is obviously that she is into you and is refraining from mentioning him because she wants you to fancy her and pursue her, but I'm afraid there's absolutely no evidence pointing at that except in your own head.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,124 ✭✭✭by8auj6csd3ioq


    I would be livid if a colleague asked me this. Frankly, my personal life is my own business and while a couple of my coworkers know I’m in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t feel the need to declare it to all and sundry
    That is a fair point but the OP said she had told another guy. OP can you say if she knows the other guy longer than she knows you. I once shared an ofice with a girl for a couple of months but there would have been othere who knew her a lot longer working in othere offices


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    She knows the other guy a similar amount of time, about a month longer. We started working together about 3 months ago. Our jobs overlap a lot more than the other guy, so we'd talk a lot more than with the other.


    Anyhow thanks for the advice folks. I haven't really been chatting that much to her over the last week or so. I keep it purely work related. I change the subject to work whenever general chit-chat comes up.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,766 ✭✭✭GingerLily


    She knows the other guy a similar amount of time, about a month longer. We started working together about 3 months ago. Our jobs overlap a lot more than the other guy, so we'd talk a lot more than with the other.


    Anyhow thanks for the advice folks. I haven't really been chatting that much to her over the last week or so. I keep it purely work related. I change the subject to work whenever general chit-chat comes up.

    Are you freezing her out because she has a boyfriend? Would you do the same if up found out a male work colleague had a girlfriend?
    It's a pity you don't know how to have a healthy relationship with your female work colleagues.......


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