Weddding Afters- do you bother?

road_high

Just wondering the general low down re Afters invites these days? Do many people go? I've a lot of 1st cousins getting married these days and most of them invite me jus to after's! I rarely see the point in going, especially one that was almost an hours drive away lately.
I'm not in a relationship at the moment (but happy with that!!) and feel these are even worse to pop along to on my own as people tend to have their little groups by then!.
Also tend to get a guilt trip from my mother about not going (I know!), but to me it's just an afters- if they wanted me there they'd invite to the full day!
Opinions?

splinter65

I was asked to an after last night.
Was too tired to go but would have loved it.
Great idea.
Doesn’t require a new outfit or any other outlay spared the long boring bits. Nice few hot bites, good band, what’s not to like?
Present/Card no more than €20 though.

StupidLikeAFox

People get really offended by getting afters invites which I find bizarre. "Not good enough to be invited to the full day" etc etc

For simple budget reasons people cannot invite everybody, so end up inviting some neighbours/cousins/work colleagues to the afters.

honeybear

I don’t like invites to afters

Toots

It would depend on where the afters were and whether or not it was a weeknight. If it was within an hour's drive or so, I'd happily go. Sometimes it's a lot easier to go to the afters instead of the whole day, especially if the sproglings aren't invited - it's a lot easier to get a baby sitter for a few hours than the whole day.

pauliebdub

It depends on how close I was to the couple, when its on and the location, I've been invited to work colleagues and cousins afters, the ones I've attended I've enjoyed. I rarely enjoy going to weddings so not bothered about just being invited to afters.

LastLagoon

I only go to the afters even if I get invited to the full thing-weddings are bad enough without all the hanging around before/after the church,sometimes a big drive ,starving and getting pissed because you start drinking too early
Unfortunately have A family one coming up soon that I won’t be able to dodge

scarepanda

I don't think it's fair to assume that if they wanted you there that they would invite you the the whole thing. You need to take into consideration the size and location of the wedding as well.

I'm getting married next week, and we have a good few invited to the evening. Not because we didn't want to invite them to the whole day but because we are having a small wedding and we simply didn't have the room to invite everyone. We had to be ruthless with the guest list to the point that not all our uncles and aunts have been invited to the whole day, just the evening. I would have loved to invite everyone, but then it wouldn't have been the wedding we wanted to have and/or some of our closest friends wouldn't have been invited.

_Dara_

I don’t mind afters invites. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don’t.

I went to the afters of my cousin’s wedding a few weeks ago. I don’t like him that much; it was a family obligation. As we were heading there, I said to my sister “At least there’ll be cake. I’m looking foward to cake.”

The “cake” was made out of cheese!

anewme

_Dara_ wrote: »

The “cake” was made out of cheese!

Heaven

_Dara_

Oh and I’d much prefer to be asked as an afters guest then a second-wave full day invitee. Invite me to the full day or don’t invite me to the full day - either of these is cool. But no feckin’ way would I ever accept an obvious second tier full day invite. You want me at the full day or you don’t. If I’m not an initial full day invitee, we’re not that close. We’re either acquaintances, peripheral friends, colleagues or relatives that aren’t that close to each other. An afters invite will do for this purpose.

_Dara_

anewme wrote: »

Heaven

No. I like cheese but not in this context. The afters food was sausages, cheese and sautéed spuds. Nothing sweet was offered. There needs to be something sweet, IMO.

anewme

_Dara_ wrote: »

No. I like cheese but not in this context. The afters food was sausages, cheese and sautéed spuds. Nothing sweet was offered. There needs to be something sweet, IMO.

now that really sounds like my kinda wedding!

cooperguy

The only afters invites at my wedding next month are to a couple of my niece's friends so that she can have some pals to have a bit of craic with in the evening time. The only afters invites iv received in the last while were people from work inviting some work people to a local wedding.

tringle

I don't go to many weddings (small family and small circle of friends) but much prefer just to go to the afters. Much less hassle, cheaper and no new dress needed. I don't take offence, I see the full day as the people you have to invite and the afters as the people you want to invite. Also a full day is just too bl@@dy long. 9am start at the hairdressers, midday at the church and you don't get fed until 6pm.

splinter65

Cringe moment here. A friend of mine was in a group of new colleagues of the groom who had recently started a new job. He had stuck a evening invite on the notice board at work and a bunch of them chipped in for a present and decided to go. They had a couple of drinks in the hotel bar first as the band still seemed to be setting up when they arrived and then went to the function room just as evening food was being served.
The mother of the bride challenged them almost immediately, quite aggressively, (too much champagne I think) threatening to call security “ you can’t just walk in here this is my daughters wedding!”
Just lucky the groom spotted them . Very awkward.

super_furry

I wouldn't be offended, I just wouldn't bother. You're either invited to a wedding or you're not, this whole, 'sure drop down for a few pints afterwards' thing is nonsense. Particularly when you have to travel or stay overnight.

Caranica

Unless it's a very clear group eg a club I'm a member of and a gang is invited from the club and it's close enough then no thanks. Recently got invited to the afters of a wedding that was a three hour drive away, tbh that was an insult, it was as if they felt they had to invite me to something. Needless to say I didn't go, between petrol and accommodation it would have cost almost as much as a full wedding

lazygal

We did afters invites, purely for logistics reasons and only invited people living within a reasonable distance. Had a good turn out. We rarely go to them ourselves until it's handy. I've gotten a few invitations from cousins for afters at the other end of the country, which are obviously duty invites and require nothing more than a card declining and a small token cash gift.

scarepanda

We did the same as lazygal, the evening list mainly consisted of neighbours, uncles/aunts and parents friends, all local and none had to travel more than 40 minutes, most were within 20 minutes of the hotel. We'd a relatively small wedding so had to be ruthless with the full day guest list. But we had a great turn out for the evening, way more than I had expected tbh.

davo2001

lazygal wrote: »

I've gotten a few invitations from cousins for afters at the other end of the country, which are obviously duty invites and require nothing more than a card declining and a small token cash gift.

If I'm not going to a wedding (especdially an afters only invite) then there is no way I'm giving a cash gift!!

elperello

_Dara_ wrote: »

Oh and I’d much prefer to be asked as an afters guest then a second-wave full day invitee. Invite me to the full day or don’t invite me to the full day - either of these is cool. But no feckin’ way would I ever accept an obvious second tier full day invite. You want me at the full day or you don’t. If I’m not an initial full day invitee, we’re not that close. We’re either acquaintances, peripheral friends, colleagues or relatives that aren’t that close to each other. An afters invite will do for this purpose.

What is a second-wave full day invitee?

jennyhayes123

I wouldn't be insulted by only getting an evening invite at all, I have been to many of them when I was younger but have got to stage now where I have no interest so don't bother. Same ole same - chit chat with those who have been there all day... was your dinner nice, everyone looks so nice etc. Your on a completely different buzz than everyone there all day

flaneur

What's this thing in recent weddings with the "afters" being a second party a day later too?

Also I'm not really looking forward to the next wedding in going to. I'm single after a long term relationship and I'm just keen on going, but I have to go regardless.

mcgiggles

Don't mind getting afters invites at all, don't get the whole people being offended by "only" getting an afters invite. People take everything so damn personally these days. I haven't got many but I would only tend to go if they are close enough to go home, or if I could kip in a friend's house.

GingerLily

I received a wedding afters invite to a wedding where my OH was invited to the whole thing, I was also invited to the hen. I was also bit insulted and didn't go to either, but I think that's a bit of an extreme case.

I've been to afters that were convenient to get to, and I usually appreciate the invite as long as I'm not expected to go, but am welcome if I can

love_love

Knowing how expensive weddings are, I never begrudge an evening invite. Being "insulted" seems like a very extreme reaction. No-one is under any obligation to invite you in the first place, and would you rather not have been invited at all? I understand the logistics of not necessarily being able to attend, or not feeling the expense is justified if it requires an overnight stay etc, but to be insulted that someone invites you to help them celebrate their special day seems like a strange way to feel.

splinter65

I think the “insulted” bit is the underlying “ye didn’t think enough of me to ask me to the main event, but I’m handy to make up the crowd in the evening and bring a cash pressie too. Go on ta feck”.

scarepanda

That's not always the way it is or the intention of the bride and groom. We specifically asked for no presents in our invitations, both full and evening. But asked that if a guest wanted to give us something to make a donation to a charity of their choice. I was very conscious of the cost of weddings on guests and tried to reduce the cost as much as we could. We knew some people would want to give us gifts regardless, but again didn't want anyone to be under pressure financially to put X amount in cash into an envelope, which is why we asked for them to make a donation instead. We didn't ask to be told how much anyone gave towards their chosen charity, or even the charity itself.

For us, our evening guests were simply a case of numbers. If we had a normal sized wedding they would all have been invited to the full day. But being quite small we had to be ruthless. Yes I know that will still come across as some people not being as high up our list of importance, but you can't invite everyone and you need to draw the line somewhere.

Only one person that I know of has taken exception to not being invited to the full day. But to be honest, if they could get miffed at 'only' being invited to the evening then I'm quite happy we didn't invite them to the whole they.

eviltwin

I wouldn't be offended by an evening invite but I wouldn't go. Too much hassle.

love_love

splinter65 wrote: »

I think the “insulted” bit is the underlying “ye didn’t think enough of me to ask me to the main event, but I’m handy to make up the crowd in the evening and bring a cash pressie too. Go on ta feck”.

That's such a cynical way to look at it. I'm not inviting people based on who will cough up the most dough. We're only asking people we genuinely want to share our day with us. I would imagine most people are the same.

lazygal

splinter65 wrote: »

I think the “insulted” bit is the underlying “ye didn’t think enough of me to ask me to the main event, but I’m handy to make up the crowd in the evening and bring a cash pressie too. Go on ta feck”.

Nah, loads of people have people their parents might want to ask, they barely know and never see but they don't want to cause a row so they placate the folks with the evening invite strategy. People read too much into these things, I know 99% of the ones we get from cousins are because the aunts and uncles have told the happy couple to send lazygal and himself an invite and they're meeting them halfway.

splinter65

love_love wrote: »

That's such a cynical way to look at it. I'm not inviting people based on who will cough up the most dough. We're only asking people we genuinely want to share our day with us. I would imagine most people are the same.

That’s not how I feel personally. It’s what I have heard other people say repeatedly for 30+ years. It’s part of the Irish psyche. “Oh not good enough for your fancy wedding I see!”.
You must have heard it at some stage.

love_love

splinter65 wrote: »

That’s not how I feel personally. It’s what I have heard other people say repeatedly for 30+ years. It’s part of the Irish psyche. “Oh not good enough for your fancy wedding I see!”.
You must have heard it at some stage.

Oh I know it wasn't your opinion, you were just sharing that particular perspective. I haven't heard of the mentality of not being good enough for a wedding, that's a confusing one. I have heard about inviting people for gifts, but I thought that was by far an outlier, and not something people would jump to conclusions about (and I've never actually known for it to happen). Maybe I'm just luckier than I realised within my family and group of friends!

_Dara_

elperello wrote: »

What is a second-wave full day invitee?

When a couple sends out their invites and get back the RSVPs, if they get a lot of nos, some couples will then send out invitations to people who didn't make the first cut. :pac:

thedeere

It’s the party after the afters party now.

_Dara_

flaneur wrote: »

What's this thing in recent weddings with the "afters" being a second party a day later too?

I never attend second day events. And I have to say, every single time, the couple has been completely fine with that, no pressure.

We're going to a wedding in Galway on Saturday, a good friend of my hubs. We're really looking forward to it but had planned to head back to Dublin early enough the next day. However, my hubs is coming under pressure (not from the couple, from some of hub's friends) to attend the second night party. We'll be out of our B&B by around 11am so it would mean we'd have to hang around Galway all day with our suitcases and his suit or try and book a second night at the B&B or crash with friends. My husband would also have to take a day from next year's annual leave allocation in order to attend. Plus it's more expense coming up to Christmas. Total hassle. I suppose we should have anticipated a second night shindig and planned accordingly but we honeymooned this year so he just didn't have the annual leave left to take the Monday off and didn't think it was important enough to use some of next year's leave. He left it up to me to decide and I was like "Back to Dublin, please!". I'm not usually pleased for him using the "The missus won't let me out" excuse but he can use it this time if he wants. :pac:

I think if planning a second day party, it should be an brunch or lunch or something, pushing it out to evening means a lot more time and money. Unless a lot of people live local of course and that there's no pressure on out-of-towners to attend.

LincolnHawk

An afters invite is a slap in the face.
It's worse than not being invited at all. Now the onus is on you to make an excuse for not turning up to a wedding you were only partially invited to

elperello

_Dara_ wrote: »

When a couple sends out their invites and get back the RSVPs, if they get a lot of nos, some couples will then send out invitations to people who didn't make the first cut. :pac:

Thanks, I genuinely had no idea.
What next?!!

splinter65

elperello wrote: »

Thanks, I genuinely had no idea.
What next?!!

The world of weddings is kind of alternative reality which can only operate with military presicion, no room for sentimentality.
If you get an invite pretty close to the actual big day, you can take it that you were not a first choice as a guest, and, to a certain extent , you are now just making up the numbers .

missmatty

I wish we'd done the second wave thing now. We had to invite certain close relatives so we were tight on numbers for the invites, then it turned out we had an unusually high refusal rate due to ill health, communions and other things we couldn't have forseen. So we could have had an extra thirty people there that we would have really wanted to be there but didn't want to insult by asking last minute. It's difficult. We didn't do afters invites as it's not a thing where I come from, it's either the whole thing or nothing.

mcgiggles

splinter65 wrote:

The world of weddings is kind of alternative reality which can only operate with military presicion, no room for sentimentality. If you get an invite pretty close to the actual big day, you can take it that you were not a first choice as a guest, and, to a certain extent , you are now just making up the numbers .

splinter65 wrote:

If you get an invite pretty close to the actual big day, you can take it that you were not a first choice as a guest, and, to a certain extent , you are now just making up the numbers .

Unless your like me and my OH, who sent out invites weeks ago only to remember people in the last few weeks that we'd honestly forgotten to put on the list.. dopes! Haha

mcgiggles

elperello wrote:

Thanks, I genuinely had no idea. What next?!!

I think its a very American thing!

elperello

mcgiggles wrote: »

I think its a very American thing!

Explains a lot!
I was at a couple of weddings in the US and now I'm intrigued to know who were my understudies.

Electric Sheep

splinter65 wrote: »

That’s not how I feel personally. It’s what I have heard other people say repeatedly for 30+ years. It’s part of the Irish psyche. “Oh not good enough for your fancy wedding I see!”.
You must have heard it at some stage.

I've been to many weddings of many different types in the U.S. and NEVER heard of anyone being invited to just part of a wedding. I am pretty sure it would be considered extremely rude to do so.

Cultural differences, I suppose.

splinter65

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I've been to many weddings of many different types in the U.S. and NEVER heard of anyone being invited to just part of a wedding. I am pretty sure it would be considered extremely rude to do so.

Cultural differences, I suppose.

I’m fairly certain it’s not an American thing at all.

iluvfatfrogs

I think the American reference was in relation to the Day After Party (Day 2)

splinter65

iluvfatfrogs wrote: »

I think the American reference was in relation to the Day After Party (Day 2)

Sorry, I thought it was a reference to the “standby” guest list thing.

Electric Sheep

iluvfatfrogs wrote: »

I think the American reference was in relation to the Day After Party (Day 2)

I've never seen that either in the US. Just the rehearsal dinner which is before the wedding and attended by the wedding party and close family only.

mcgiggles

splinter65 wrote:

Sorry, I thought it was a reference to the “standby†guest list thing.

Can confirm the American statement was in reference to the standby list :-) I only say that as there was a lot of reference to it when I was on reddit wedding planning threads when we first got engaged!
Would assume the day after party is an Irish thing.. probably stemmed from "jeez we could all do with the hair of the dog after that wedding" haha

Ifonlyicould

I imagine that the 'insult' of a evening invite is that cousin Mary and other half got a full day invitation to our wedding and then when it was her wedding we get an evening invite .