Not sure what to make of this

LegacyUser

My girlfriend of one year is going travelling for three months after Xmas with one of her friends.

She told me the other night while she was really drunk that she might kiss another random guy while she was away, but it wouldnt mean anything and it would be an accident (yes she said this).

She instantly regretted saying it and said she didnt really mean it and shes drunk and just being overly honest.

This girl is genuinely mad about me and I trusted her totally up to this point.

Should I put this down to a drunken comment or is this something I should be really worreid about?

leggo

Gah, this sucks. People needs to get the travel bug out of their system and relationships only serve to get in the way of it, they rarely win out and even if they do it just breeds resentment. There's nothing you can do sadly, this is what she wants, and the comment would reveal she's thought about it and would probably be okay doing that.

If I were you and the relationship was good elsewhere, I'd suggest taking a break while she goes travelling where both of you can do what you like, then see how the lay of the land is when she gets back (if you can stomach that, it's fair if you can't). It's the tough but smart play if this is something you can potentially see going the distance.

WIZWEB

OP you've only been together for twelve months and she is going away for quarter the time you've been exclusive. Nothing wrong with her choice to go. It's a long time apart from what is expected to be the 'honeymoon' period of getting to know each other. Her comment understandably took you off guard. You're upset about a possible kiss during a three month 'break'. Ask yourself how you might feel if there's more. Will you end up stalking Facebook etc to alleviate or prove your fears. It's a long enough time to also impose chastity upon yourself. It's also a reality check. You can let paranoia eat you apart while she's away or you can accept that she like you will be free agents with personal needs during that time. You may sorely miss each other and be an even stronger unit upon return or one or both may decide to extend this freedom. As the saying goes if you love them set them free. Even if that's just for a very long holiday.

bucketybuck

Face it, she told you that because that is exactly what she is thinking of doing. Drunken words are usually sober thoughts.

She is heading off travelling and she definitely considers it a trip for her to relax and enjoy herself in all the usual ways. Fair enough, but don't kid yourself that she intends to stay faithful to you, she has already told you that she won't. And really don't kid yourself that it would just be a kiss, if she is hooking up with other men while abroad she will have sex at some point.

I did get a good laugh from the "accident" comment though. Yeah, an accident that she is thinking about committing months in advance, thats a good one.

Big Bag of Chips

Tell her while she's away you might accidentally kiss someone too, and see how she reacts. If she's ok with it, then maybe she's floating the idea of "being on a break" while she's away.

I don't know, OP. It's a tough one, but I think if I were you I wouldn't fancy the idea of sitting in at home waiting for someone who has told you they are probably going to cheat on you.

silverharp

you didn't say what age you are? if ye are "just out of college" keep it flexible maybe say nothing. If you are late 20's I'd expect loyalty on both sides, its only 3 month

Icepick

Talk to her about exclusivity first.

hal9550

I think it could be possible to agree to a break but ONLY if you are comfortable. From her comment it is hard to come to any other conclusion that it is probably going to happen, and it is something she has considered. She has floated the idea of it, and you are right to be concerned.

In my dealings with the lady, i would absolutely and definitively remind her that the door swings both ways.

Something else to consider would be that a holiday romance for her is going to be entirely different to a romance YOU could have AT HOME while she is away. She has fun abroad and comes home. You could in theory meet someone who is going to be around when she comes back, at home, and given that it is a domestic romance, she might return to a breakup. Perhaps bring this hypothetical possibility to her attention. All well and good to leave what happens abroad, abroad.. But what happens at home while she is abroad could have a lasting effect on you, and the relationship.

Icepick wrote: »

Talk to her about exclusivity first.

If you mean the so-called 'exclusivity chat', I really dont agree with this. I abhor the idea of an exclusivity chat in general, especially when some time has passed, and in the case of 1 year, i think it is implicit that OP is exclusive with this lady. It would appear perhaps she doesnt want to be, perhaps for the holiday.

LegacyUser

silverharp wrote: »

you didn't say what age you are? if ye are "just out of college" keep it flexible maybe say nothing. If you are late 20's I'd expect loyalty on both sides, its only 3 month

She's late twenties and I'm early thirties. TBH I'm to old at this stage for this crap.

I've done tonnes of traveling while in relationships and never cheated.

Someone suggested we go on a break for this period, but where does this stop? Next time I go away without her am I allowed cheat? Where do we draw the line?

I think I'm slowly making my mind up on this. It's such a pity cos I thought she was perfect

WIZWEB

OP that's why I came across so blunt in my earlier post. With this spanner your partner threw in the works you've either got three months of paranoia to look forward to or you give yourself a 'break' from this madness, Communication is key. However if you can't believe she'll stay faithful (why should you after her original assertion) and can't handle that (you shouldn't have to) then you need to consider other options. Oh and none of us are perfect. Putting someone up on a pedestal sets them up for a fall.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with you, OP. I think she might be inching towards suggesting a break, but you of course have the right to not agree to that. I think a break is the cowardly way of suggesting a break up, or, having your cake and eating it. It seems she'd like the freedom to 'accidentally cheat', but the safety net of coming home to a loyal bf.

LegacyUser

We had a big discussion about this last night. She said she doesn't want to cheat at all and doesn't know why she said what she said and that she's never even considered cheating on me, it was a spur of the moment drunken comment made to see how I'd react. She said she loves me but I don't always show her how much I love her and that's most likely why she said it, to see how I'd react and what I'd say.

She said she'd even cancel the trip rather than have me breakup with her, but I'm not having that either as that would bring with it resentment from her and therefore more issues further down the line.

This is a headwrecker, I'll need a few days to think this over

LegacyUser

Forgot to mention she said she doesn't want a break and all and that she will be 100% faithful while away

silverharp

Peoweag wrote: »

She's late twenties and I'm early thirties. TBH I'm to old at this stage for this crap.

I've done tonnes of traveling while in relationships and never cheated.

Someone suggested we go on a break for this period, but where does this stop? Next time I go away without her am I allowed cheat? Where do we draw the line?

I think I'm slowly making my mind up on this. It's such a pity cos I thought she was perfect

this is more like early 20's gap yah' stuff. given your ages unless she had this planned before you met it seems a bit complacent on her part. its not something i ever did but i'd only do it if i wasnt invested in the relationship. good luck whatever you choose

bucketybuck

Peoweag wrote: »

She's late twenties and I'm early thirties. TBH I'm to old at this stage for this crap.

Yeah, I think everybody assumed this was an early 20's backpacking scenario.

A grown woman telling a grown man that she is heading off to find herself and intends to see other men when she is gone? For your own dignity and self respect how can you accept that situation?

It doesn't matter what she says now because how could you believe her if she promises not to hook up with anybody? Are you really going to spend the next 3 months thinking about your partner in a bar abroad, legs around some cute public schoolboy she just met?

Maybe it can work out if you both take a break and see where things are further down the road, but I really don't believe you can ignore the words she has said to you and act as if everything is fine as they are.

Big Bag of Chips

Peoweag wrote: »

she said what she said and that she's never even considered cheating on me, it was a spur of the moment drunken comment made to see how I'd react. She said she loves me but I don't always show her how much I love her and that's most likely why she said it, to see how I'd react and what I'd say.

It's a dangerous game to play. And honestly, if you've never even considered cheating on someone, then you'd never even consider telling them that'd you'd cheat. If she wanted to see how you'd react, then she has to be prepared for whatever that reaction is. Even if the reaction is that you tell her you haven't the time or inclination to involve yourself in immature mind games.

It's not easy to end an established relationship, but I personally couldn't relax, or trust a person to be faithful if they had told me they probably wouldn't be.

hal9550

Peoweag wrote: »

We had a big discussion about this last night. She said she doesn't want to cheat at all and doesn't know why she said what she said and that she's never even considered cheating on me, it was a spur of the moment drunken comment made to see how I'd react. She said she loves me but I don't always show her how much I love her and that's most likely why she said it, to see how I'd react and what I'd say.

She said she'd even cancel the trip rather than have me breakup with her, but I'm not having that either as that would bring with it resentment from her and therefore more issues further down the line.

This is a headwrecker, I'll need a few days to think this over

Yes it is a headwrecker, but it is one of her own making.

I think given what you have said you need to have ANOTHER chat with her. In my view the following points should be raised:

• Does she understand that what she said has damaged the trust in your relationship
• Did the idea of a 'break' in the relationship ever actually occur to her, in this case or in the past
• Why did she make the statement - for this one i would ignore the simple 'i was drunk' excuse - there has to be some reasoning there behind the comment
• Confirm that you (it appears from your posts) would not be comfortable with a break and intend to be 100000% faithful

If she still argues that she will be faithful, then you have to ask yourself honestly whether you trust her


Quote

She said she loves me but I don't always show her how much I love her and that's most likely why she said it, to see how I'd react and what I'd say.

I would examine this more closely as to be honest, to me, it seems like a slight dodge, or reflection of the issue back onto you as though your actions have her thinking this way.

osarusan

Peoweag wrote: »

She said she loves me but I don't always show her how much I love her and that's most likely why she said it, to see how I'd react and what I'd say.

Sounds like a load of rubbish really, nonsense from somebody flailing around and trying to come up with a 'good' excuse.

Big Bag of Chips

hal9550 wrote: »

I would examine this more closely as to be honest, to me, it seems like a slight dodge, or reflection of the issue back onto you as though your actions have her thinking this way.

This is a very valid point. We can all be guilty of going on the defensive sometimes, but she knows she's messed up big time here, and she's now trying to make that your fault.

So if she cheated on you, that would be your fault too, would it? Would it be a test to see your reaction and get you to put in more of an effort?

She's coming across as very manipulative, and maybe not quite as perfect as you believed she was.

MartyMcFly84

Its a shame that she ticks so many boxes for you for it to end completely.

Its a tough one. I would probably suggest taking a break from the relationship and both of you go and do your own things. When she is back you can see how you feel, if there is something still there or not. You might meet someone else in the mean time or find that you would like to get back together, or that you like being single again.

Sometimes people didn't get a chance to travel when they were younger and still have that backpacking urge to get out of their systems. I dont know her circumstances. But if this is a first time for her going on a trip like this I would be more forgiving than if she has done trips like that before. Then it would seem she is taking the piss.

retro:electro

She sounds really immature. If she was 18 or even early twenties I'd make allowances for her attitude- but a woman of her late 20's teasing you about cheating for a reaction is a total head spinner. Who does that? People usually grow out of those notions by the age she is and the experience of travel takes on a whole new meaning- and it's not running around blotto cheating on your partner back home. I don't blame you for reconsidering.

Virgil°

Yeah not sure how to proceed here OP.

In the very best scenario her actions fall far short of someone who belongs in a mature committed relationship. She went fishing for a reaction with a stick of dynamite and in the fallout likely caused irreparable damage. Some things cant be unsaid or forgotten and this is a prime example.

In the worst case shes been contemplating a no holds barred singledom taster holiday behind your back and just let it slip by accident. Everything shes said since has been a really bad attempt at backtracking and placating you.

I'd never get over the latter. So its up to you to decide how likely the former scenario is and see if you can get over it. And i do mean truly get over it. There'd really be no point in continuing if this is going to be a thorn in your mind for the rest of the relationship.

Estrellita

Sounds like she knows she might be unfaithful. The back-tracking seems like she is ensuring she has something to come home to.

You seem more invested in your relationship with her than she is. If you love and value someone you don't speak of cheating 'accidents' you MIGHT have. I don't care if she said she was testing you. She's already playing the blame game to cover her back side. Telling you she loves you and doesn't want to break up doesn't mean she's invested in you, but maybe doesn't want to return home single. It's a bit shít, she's told you she may cheat but she's keeping you on so you don't meet anyone else.

Even if this was merely game-playing, which I don't believe it is, who needs that? Late teens / early twenties is the cut off for that kind of crap.

In your shoes I'd consider a break up because of what she has said, the loyalty and the maturity levels aren't where they need to be for the long term.

However, this is your decision. If you don't want to say a split up then suggest a break while she's away. But make sure she knows it doesn't mean you're going to pick up where you left off.

Big Bag of Chips

Peoweag wrote: »

she said... that she's never even considered cheating on me,

You can tell her that you never even considered she'd cheat on you, but now you can't ignore or forget what she said. If you decided to forgive/believe her, and move past it, how do you think you'd get on while she was away. Would you trust her, or would you be reading in to every little thing. Checking her social media for give away signs, reading in to regular/irregular contact.

It's a head wreck alright. But it's a head wreck of her making. She's not going to cancel the holiday. That is just talk. She's not going to let her friend down and lose both of them a lot of money. She's just hoping she can sweet talk you round, and go off and enjoy her trip with your blessing.

lazybones32

Uh...do you think you might want to lighten up a wee bit, op? She has never given any inkling of cheating beyond a DRUNKEN comment...one that she said to YOU...to your face! And it was about a kiss, not about going slane girl or riding her way across country/continent.
Had you overheard her saying it to her friends, or heard them saying she said it, i'd agree that you've grounds for concern but this was drunk talk. But i guess you've never put the drunken foot in mouth...no, never.

You can either accept her explanation and trust her; make her jump through hoops to prove her fidelity to you, or break up.

LegacyUser

The cheating comment is probably nothing to worry about, it could well have been just drunk talk.

The real red flag here is that on reflection, she confirmed that it wasn’t drunk talk at all and that she planned it to “see what your reaction was”. She doesn’t seem to think everything’s as perfect as you do if she thinks you don’t show your love for her enough.

I don’t envy you mate, you’ve got a tough choice here.

Big Bag of Chips

I wouldn't think it's even as deep as that. I'd say her story is just shifting in an attempt to find one you are happy to accept. At first she said it, got a bad reaction so blamed being drunk, didn't get a great reaction to that either so changed the story to somehow managed to blame you. Expect the reason to change a few more times while she tries to get you to accept some version and wish her well on her holiday.

trishasaffron

Have you been avoiding commitment? At your ages its sounds to me like ye could be making permanent commitments & perhaps you've been avoiding this? & perhaps she's trying to get you to be more explicit as to your long term view?

bucketybuck

lazybones32 wrote: »

Uh...do you think you might want to lighten up a wee bit, op? She has never given any inkling of cheating beyond a DRUNKEN comment...one that she said to YOU...to your face!

What sort of world do you live in where people say shit like that just because they have had a few drinks?

Chancer3001

I think if you accept her made up stories and tell her head off and enjoy herself it's 100% she'll be with other people.

Just out of interest, are many of her friends travelling single/cheaty too ? If they are I assume she wants to fit in and have all the wild bants with her friends before she comes back to.you and settle down

Crazy flawed thinking by her

lazybones32

bucketybuck wrote: »

What sort of world do you live in where people say shit like that just because they have had a few drinks?

Apparently i live in a world where in-depth character judgements are made based on one drunken statement.

hal9550

lazybones32 wrote: »

Apparently i live in a world where in-depth character judgements are made based on one drunken statement.

Lazybones its not just a drunken comment. Its the fact that when questioned later, the lady changed the story to suggest she had said it, deliberately, to see what OP thought of it. in effect she FLOATED the idea of cheating on her boyfriend, TO HER BOYFRIEND.. to see what he would think. and then had the temerity to claim its because OP doesnt demonstrate that he loves her.

To suggest that OP should "lighten up a wee bit,", and relax, given the obviousness of what the lady said in this case, is bizarre in my mind.

lazybones32

hal9550 wrote: »

Lazybones its not just a drunken comment. Its the fact that when questioned later, the lady changed the story to suggest she had said it, deliberately, to see what OP thought of it. in effect she FLOATED the idea of cheating on her boyfriend, TO HER BOYFRIEND.. to see what he would think. and then had the temerity to claim its because OP doesnt demonstrate that he loves her.

To suggest that OP should "lighten up a wee bit,", and relax, given the obviousness of what the lady said in this case, is bizarre in my mind.

Read the op's three posts. He doesn't paint that bad a picture...really drunk woman says something stupid; instantly regrets saying it and apologises. When the subject is raised days later, she gives a different answer as to why she said it (can she remember saying it or trying to cover her a$$?) apologises; promises fidelity; offers to cancel trip rather than break up (same woman who has the op genuinely convinced of her love for him). But this must be an elaborate trick?

But i totally accept i was wrong in telling him to relax a little: he has only had his trust and faith in this perfect woman undermined by a drunken remark and her less than satisfactory explanation. OTT on my behalf😀

hal9550

lazybones32 wrote: »

Read the op's three posts. He doesn't paint that bad a picture...really drunk woman says something stupid; instantly regrets saying it and apologises. When the subject is raised days later, she gives a different answer as to why she said it (can she remember saying it or trying to cover her a$$?) apologises; promises fidelity; offers to cancel trip rather than break up (same woman who has the op genuinely convinced of her love for him). But this must be an elaborate trick?

But i totally accept i was wrong in telling him to relax a little: he has only had his trust and faith in this perfect woman undermined by a drunken remark and her less than satisfactory explanation. OTT on my behalf��

It really depends on your perspective Lazybones..

• If i got drunk
• Told my GF that while away i MIGHT kiss other women
• Apologized said i was messing
• Then said ACTUALLY i said it deliberately, but its because she DOESNT SHOW ME how much she loves me -
• and that i said it PURELY to see how she reacted
• Then recanted again , and offered not to go on my trip

I dont think its 'OTT' to suggest my GF might have some doubts and trust might diminish between us.

And that is what has happened to OP.. in my view

Big Bag of Chips

Ploeweag wrote: »

She instantly regretted saying it and said she didnt really mean it and shes drunk and just being overly honest.

"Overly honest".

A weird thing to say if you don't mean what you say and don't understand why you said it. Maybe there's truth in 'in vino veritas'

Sounds like the only mistake she made was actually saying it out loud to you instead of just keeping it to herself and going off and cheating on you in the hope you'd never find out.

Ann84

I think you should listen to what she said - it sounds like (inadvertently) you make her feel insecure, she in fact said it, I think that was honest... it’s not the right way to go about it and maybe your communication as a couple sucks but sounds like she is insecure about going away and just wanted you to tell her you’ll miss her and love her loads and it’ll all be fine...

The fact that she offered to cancel the trip, this is completely out of character and has since tried (poorly) to explain makes me think that she is worrying and it’s not coming out right.

I say this because this is exactly the kind of doomsday nonsense I come out with to my now husband who has learned that I am just upset about something - it’s not right but insecurity and vulnerability don’t suit everyone - I’d suggest talking to her more

bucketybuck

lazybones32 wrote: »

But i totally accept i was wrong in telling him to relax a little: he has only had his trust and faith in this perfect woman undermined by a drunken remark and her less than satisfactory explanation. OTT on my behalf��

You keep making sarcastic comments and trying to imply that the OP is overreacting to a silly drunken comment.

No.

I and many others am old enough and ugly enough to know that normal people do not say or do **** like that. Normal people do not tell their partner they intend to cheat on them. They certainly do not joke about it when the question was already hanging there due to one of the partners going travelling for an extended length of time.

You might say crap like that when you are drunk but that is on you, it is not common behaviour in solid relationships.

mada82

Dump her. It will just eat away at you.

MissShihTzu

My Gran used to say 'Drunk talk is sober talk'. I would listen carefully to what she told you, and make your own mind up.

I personally think this girl sounds very immature. Saying she 'might' cheat just to see your reaction and saying you don't love her enough? Sounds like a teenage thing to me...