Boyfriend won't bring me home after 2 years

XarcherX

Hi there, as the title says, I am with my boyfriend over 2 years now, he's 39 I'm 34.
He's sweet, funny, caring, affectionate and I love him.
I have a 6 year old i introduced him to after 8 months, he's really good with her, he's met all my family, been to a lot of my family events, we've been on holidays a few times and spend about 3 nights a week together.
But - In all that time I've met his parents once. It was about 6 months in and he invited me to go to a family event where his extended family were having dinner at the hotel afterwards. Even that day I was just introduced to them, we weren't sitting at the same table so I didn't get to talk to them much.
Since then, nothing.. and it's really starting to bother me.. he lives less than 5 minutes from their house and goes there for dinner at the weekend. He's even gone as far as driving to the door twice to drop in something and left me waiting in the car. He just won't bring me over there.
The reason I haven't said anything to him about it is cos I wanted to wait until he felt comfortable enough himself, I didn't want him to invite me just cos I said it.
It's just really hurtful after this length of time, I'm starting to think I'm a just for now girlfriend.
On top of that, he has never actually talked to me about our relationship or feelings or anything along those lines.. the very rare times we have discussed anything it's always come from me and I'm not the best at talking about my feelings either so it's like pulling teeth! But I've tried!
I know nobody on here will know what's going on in his head but maybe someone could tell me how to approach this? These are huge red flags in my book.. I don't want to lose him I'm beyond crazy about him but this is driving me nuts

Gorgeousgeorge

XarcherX wrote: »

<Snip> The post is just there ^. Please don't repost it.

Talk to him. Explain your feelings about the situation.

WIZWEB

In four years I got to meet my last ex's mother once for approximately five minutes. Then he made an excuse to drive us off. I brought it up a few times but gave up eventually. Combined with a multitude of other red flags was why I eventually left. In fairness I think he was embarrassed by her alcoholism and mental health problems. Ironic considering I'm a professional who worked with such clients so would not be judgemental. He never introduced me to his father who I apparently reminded him of! He spends hours regularly in their home considering they also only live five mins from him. I never got invited to a single family event in all that time! He was at several with my family. As the previous poster suggested go have a talk with him. Be clear, specific and demand an explanation. If you're not happy with the response take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

leggo

People can have complex relationships with their families. Maybe he's ashamed of them and not you? Maybe he's had disastrous results in bringing women home in the past and is wary. Going off your OP, there's as much evidence of the above as there is that it's something to do with you. You just don't know, so ask him, you're more than entitled to at this stage.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm afraid your only answer here is to talk to him. I know you're scared because it's not in your nature and you're worried about what you're going to hear. But really, you are better off having the right information. It's understandable that this is bothering you and you deserve to know where you stand. You can read into this any way you want to and I don't believe any of us can give you a definite answer one way or the other. What's in my mind is a recent thread from this very forum http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057796741 (For those who don't want to click, it's the thread from the woman whose boyfriend's family yell at her and verbally abuse her) In that thread the general consensus was that she should stop visiting and minimize contact with them. You've only met his parents briefly so you don't know what they're like, how they view you, what the house is like, if one or both of them have issues... I could go on. And on the other hand, if your boyfriend doesn't see a long term future with you, why would you waste your time in a relationship that's got a sell-by date? Be brave - ask

Aspadeaspade

OP I would be a lot more inclined to think it's directly related to his relationship with his family more than anything to do with you. In the past I've kept my partners and family separate because I don't get along with my family. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. Good luck!

LittleMuppet

My ex was like this. When I finally confronted him over it, it turned out that he was embarrassed of his house because it wasn't as ‘nice‘ as my parents house. OP, it could just be something as simple as that but you won't know till you ask. I hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

He and his family were out together in public and he's in their home regularly, personally I'm not buying the idea that it's somehow a bad relationship with them, or embarrassment or anything like that. If it was about the family home, after 2 years he should have given you at least a hint that's what it's about.

I have a feeling your suspicions are nearer the mark and he's not fully committed. It's also possible he hasn't mentioned your daughter to them, though obviously you might know different. You wouldn't be the first to experience that.

It may not be your style, but I think you're going to have to be fairly direct and ask him what's the story. Be prepared for the fact that you may not like the answers and may just get excuses that won't sit any better than what you have so far.

redfox123

I'm just curious about this, 'he has never actually talked to me about our relationship or feelings or anything along those lines.. the very rare times we have discussed anything it's always come from me and I'm not the best at talking about my feelings either so it's like pulling teeth!'... How have you actually sustained any kind of relationship? I know everyone's different but two years and no talk of how you both feel?? How does it keep going, does he just keep contacting you and meeting up and talk about your day? Or are you the one driving the relationship.
I don't know, I think this would be more important than the parents house thing..because it could be a symptom of an underlying lack of a real commitment or seriousness about the relationship, from his side, but you don't know til you ask. I think that's the question and discussion needed. I know it's scary but you don't want to waste your time, you're both in your 30s you deserve to know whether it is going anywhere.

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This post has been deleted.

silverharp

OP, does his family know you have a kid? if your bf "neglected" to mention it at the time then it might explain the awkwardness now? either way bring it up , he is old enough to not be overly concerned about what his family thinks and should be mature enough not to think youd judge him poorly based on some aspect of his family.

amtc

Not everyone has the same family dynamics. Personally I wouldn't bring someone home as whereas my mam is fine my dad is a nightmare as he is a smart alec. I know how to deal with him but for example I was going out with a guy for years who drove a country registered car and my dad didn't want it outside the house in case it decreased house value. Whereas I knew to give him a smart answer back the guy didn't.

I'd be more worried about the lack of communication. I'm not saying that you need to have everything planned but two years at this stage should be going somewhere or at least you should agree that it's suiting both of you.

Calypso Realm

Have to say this IS very strange, esp since he appears to have a reasonably good relationship with his parents in that he visits regularly etc. In addition it is a concern he's never talked about the relationship you two have after all this time . Out of interest, has he integrated you with his friends, colleagues etc and if so, how soon were you introduced?

Agree the only way to find what's really going on is to talk to him. There may be a valid reason (at least in his eyes) for his behaviour so far.

XarcherX

Op here, he is actually fairly close with his parents. I bumped into his Mam by chance twice and both times she was lovely to me. They know I have a child too, my daughter was with me the second time I bumped into her. She seemed really nice. From what he's said they sound like nice people so it's not that.
I've met his friends a good few times there's no issue there. It just bugs me that's it's been this long and I haven't been allowed to set foot in the door. In fact he's gone out of his way at least twice to avoid going there with me.
I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's not as important as us being able to talk about our relationship, which we don't do... at all!

kylith

You're going to have to bite the bullet and ask, I'm afraid.

milli milli

redfox123 wrote: »

I'm just curious about this, 'he has never actually talked to me about our relationship or feelings or anything along those lines.. the very rare times we have discussed anything it's always come from me and I'm not the best at talking about my feelings either so it's like pulling teeth!'... How have you actually sustained any kind of relationship? I know everyone's different but two years and no talk of how you both feel?? How does it keep going, does he just keep contacting you and meeting up and talk about your day? Or are you the one driving the relationship.
I don't know, I think this would be more important than the parents house thing..because it could be a symptom of an underlying lack of a real commitment or seriousness about the relationship, from his side, but you don't know til you ask. I think that's the question and discussion needed. I know it's scary but you don't want to waste your time, you're both in your 30s you deserve to know whether it is going anywhere.

Yes this is what stood out for me too, not the family thing.
Have either of ye said you love each other?
If you're not talking about feelings it sounds like a casual setup. However, maybe ye are both unable to talk about feelings which is fair enough - love is in actions too (actually moreso that words really).
Is your partner doing things for you - does he really listen to you, is thoughtful & mindful of you, he compromises, he does things to show he cares, doesn't take you for granted, etc.

If he is doing these things, then great. You need to chat with him about the family thing. If he cares about you and how you feel then he should be open to discussing it.
If he's not doing these things and is not bothered by excluding you from family time then it's time to have a serious talk with him.

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I haven't met his parents or other family yet. I'm not bothered about it. I figure it will happen in its own good time.

I know for me and my family, my mother was a stay at home mother and didn't work. From the outside it might look she has all the time in the world especially now that we are all grown up but that's not it. She's kept busy at home doing jobs and chores. There seems to be a early a never ending a supply of laundry like towels and bedclothes and clothing. When ever there is a dry day, the bin bag with a backlog of bedclothesI a comes out. I know with my own mother, she hates getting visitors because her track is stopped.

If my boyfriends family has a similar set up. A stay at home mother and some siblings grown up and living at home. If his mam is anything like my own, his mother is probably going to hate people coming in on top of her. He said something before which has me believe that his mother and mine are fairly similar.

Op, maybe it's a similar thing going on with your boyfriend. Maybe his parents are kept busy within the family home. Maybe your boyfriend had good intentions of taking you home but the time wasn't right.

Calypso Realm

XarcherX wrote: »

In fact he's gone out of his way at least twice to avoid going there with me.

What were the circumstances, context etc?

Addle

Took ages for my OH to bring me home.
The house he grew up in is very different to the house I grew up in.
He was embarassed.
I thought it was an issue but after a long time I was finally brought for a visit and am now I'm glad he's not bothered about me going to his folks.
Their house is filthy and I feel very uncomfortable in it.
I stayed once and will never again.

XarcherX

milli milli wrote: »

Yes this is what stood out for me too, not the family thing.
Have either of ye said you love each other?
If you're not talking about feelings it sounds like a casual setup. However, maybe ye are both unable to talk about feelings which is fair enough - love is in actions too (actually moreso that words really).
Is your partner doing things for you - does he really listen to you, is thoughtful & mindful of you, he compromises, he does things to show he cares, doesn't take you for granted, etc.

If he is doing these things, then great. You need to chat with him about the family thing. If he cares about you and how you feel then he should be open to discussing it.
If he's not doing these things and is not bothered by excluding you from family time then it's time to have a serious talk with him.

Yes we have said I love you, and to be fair he is very caring, affectionate & always includes me and the little one in plans we make etc. It's jut that he hasn't gone any further than that. I tried to talk to him 2 or 3 times about the future and that it was bothering me that we never spoke about anything and he got a little defensive and shut me down/ made me feel awkward for bringing it up anytime I did.
With the parents thing I don't want to go into too much detail as he may be on boards, I don't know! I'm sure he'd know it's me from what I've written so far! But anyway so recently enough we were in his house and he had to go home for an hour and could've asked us to go with him but didn't. My little one asked him could she go with him and he said no. I mentioned this to him after a while and he said it was because he had heaps of relatives visiting and didn't want it to be awkward for me.

XarcherX

Just to add im finding it very hard the last while to completely act myself around him and pretend everything's rosy when this lack of talking is constantly in the back of my head and I feel it's ruining any time we spend together. I know I have to talk to him and I will.

Calypso Realm

Addle wrote: »

Took ages for my OH to bring me home.
The house he grew up in is very different to the house I grew up in.
He was embarassed.

This is the sort of situation I've been wondering about,, since what you've described isn't that uncommon, judging by similar scenarios I've heard of, so far. However in most of these instances the partner's original home was in a different county/country-far away from where the couple were, at the time, residing. They'd also had the parent/s to stay with them from time to time.

Tigger99

I'm glad you are going to talk to him because it doesn't sound like he's as invested as you are.

If he gets uncomfortable and tries to change the subject or acts awkward you could say that this is important to me and I want to talk about it.

Addle

Calypso Realm wrote: »

This is the sort of situation I've been wondering about,, since what you've described isn't that uncommon, judging by similar scenarios I've heard of, so far. However in most of these instances the partner's original home was in a different county/country-far away from where the couple were, at the time, residing. They'd also had the parent/s to stay with them from time to time.

Mine wasn't far away and he lived there when we first started seeing each other!

Whatever the reason op, you're not happy about it. Tell him it's making you question your relationship. Be honest.

Augme

It could be possible that his parents are very religious and wouldn't like the idea of him seeing someone who is single with another mans child. Could be all the other reasons as other people have mentioned. I don't see the big deal myself and I have never cared about meeting girlfriends family. I do agree with others that the lack of discussion on the state of your relationship is a bigger deal.

amtc

This is not about his parents' house really. It's more about he's integrated into your life totally but you are not only to a certain extent into his friends. He's 39...has a girlfriend and a readymade family...but hasn't integrated you into his life totally.

If that suits you, then that's ok. I think you need a chat.

bucketybuck

You are both grown ups in your thirties and have been going out for 2 years, if you can't just ask him straight out what the deal is then you have bigger problems than meeting his parents...

tara73

bucketybuck wrote: »

You are both grown ups in your thirties and have been going out for 2 years, if you can't just ask him straight out what the deal is then you have bigger problems than meeting his parents...

she wrote in one of her last posts she's tried to talk about their future etc. several times and he gets just defensive!

amtc

tara73 wrote: »

she wrote in one of her last posts she's tried to talk about their future etc. several times and he gets just defensive!

That's because he's having his cake and eating it. That's why I said if it suits them, fine. The problem is that drifting isn't suiting the op. She doesn't want to wake up in ten years time to the same three nights a week semi relationship...or maybe she does?

I wonder what happens at Christmas? Not necessarily the day but surely there must be some kind of get together?

Icepick

XarcherX wrote: »

I tried to talk to him 2 or 3 times about the future and that it was bothering me that we never spoke about anything and he got a little defensive and shut me down/ made me feel awkward for bringing it up anytime I did.

This is your main issue. If you want to have a serious relationship with him, you are wasting a lot of valuable time by not talking about it with him or splitting up if he has different plans.

Eric Cartman

I have had numerous relationships end because of this, its never been anything to do with the girls themselves, but even when you tell them before it gets exclusive they never really seem to believe it. OP , it may be nothing to do with how your other half sees you, the future etc.. if you cant deal with it then better off leaving but as somebody who's been on the other end, having a partner get in to arguments / get upset on a regular basis because they cant understand your family situation is draining, upsetting in itself and really makes people like me feel ignored and resentful.