Boyfriend won't bring me home after 2 years

XarcherX

Hi there, as the title says, I am with my boyfriend over 2 years now, he's 39 I'm 34.
He's sweet, funny, caring, affectionate and I love him.
I have a 6 year old i introduced him to after 8 months, he's really good with her, he's met all my family, been to a lot of my family events, we've been on holidays a few times and spend about 3 nights a week together.
But - In all that time I've met his parents once. It was about 6 months in and he invited me to go to a family event where his extended family were having dinner at the hotel afterwards. Even that day I was just introduced to them, we weren't sitting at the same table so I didn't get to talk to them much.
Since then, nothing.. and it's really starting to bother me.. he lives less than 5 minutes from their house and goes there for dinner at the weekend. He's even gone as far as driving to the door twice to drop in something and left me waiting in the car. He just won't bring me over there.
The reason I haven't said anything to him about it is cos I wanted to wait until he felt comfortable enough himself, I didn't want him to invite me just cos I said it.
It's just really hurtful after this length of time, I'm starting to think I'm a just for now girlfriend.
On top of that, he has never actually talked to me about our relationship or feelings or anything along those lines.. the very rare times we have discussed anything it's always come from me and I'm not the best at talking about my feelings either so it's like pulling teeth! But I've tried!
I know nobody on here will know what's going on in his head but maybe someone could tell me how to approach this? These are huge red flags in my book.. I don't want to lose him I'm beyond crazy about him but this is driving me nuts

Gorgeousgeorge

XarcherX wrote: »

<Snip> The post is just there ^. Please don't repost it.

Talk to him. Explain your feelings about the situation.

WIZWEB

In four years I got to meet my last ex's mother once for approximately five minutes. Then he made an excuse to drive us off. I brought it up a few times but gave up eventually. Combined with a multitude of other red flags was why I eventually left. In fairness I think he was embarrassed by her alcoholism and mental health problems. Ironic considering I'm a professional who worked with such clients so would not be judgemental. He never introduced me to his father who I apparently reminded him of! He spends hours regularly in their home considering they also only live five mins from him. I never got invited to a single family event in all that time! He was at several with my family. As the previous poster suggested go have a talk with him. Be clear, specific and demand an explanation. If you're not happy with the response take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

leggo

People can have complex relationships with their families. Maybe he's ashamed of them and not you? Maybe he's had disastrous results in bringing women home in the past and is wary. Going off your OP, there's as much evidence of the above as there is that it's something to do with you. You just don't know, so ask him, you're more than entitled to at this stage.

Ursus Horribilis

I'm afraid your only answer here is to talk to him. I know you're scared because it's not in your nature and you're worried about what you're going to hear. But really, you are better off having the right information. It's understandable that this is bothering you and you deserve to know where you stand. You can read into this any way you want to and I don't believe any of us can give you a definite answer one way or the other. What's in my mind is a recent thread from this very forum http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057796741 (For those who don't want to click, it's the thread from the woman whose boyfriend's family yell at her and verbally abuse her) In that thread the general consensus was that she should stop visiting and minimize contact with them. You've only met his parents briefly so you don't know what they're like, how they view you, what the house is like, if one or both of them have issues... I could go on. And on the other hand, if your boyfriend doesn't see a long term future with you, why would you waste your time in a relationship that's got a sell-by date? Be brave - ask

Aspadeaspade

OP I would be a lot more inclined to think it's directly related to his relationship with his family more than anything to do with you. In the past I've kept my partners and family separate because I don't get along with my family. The only way to know for sure is to ask him. Good luck!

LittleMuppet

My ex was like this. When I finally confronted him over it, it turned out that he was embarrassed of his house because it wasn't as ‘nice‘ as my parents house. OP, it could just be something as simple as that but you won't know till you ask. I hope it all works out for you.

LegacyUser

He and his family were out together in public and he's in their home regularly, personally I'm not buying the idea that it's somehow a bad relationship with them, or embarrassment or anything like that. If it was about the family home, after 2 years he should have given you at least a hint that's what it's about.

I have a feeling your suspicions are nearer the mark and he's not fully committed. It's also possible he hasn't mentioned your daughter to them, though obviously you might know different. You wouldn't be the first to experience that.

It may not be your style, but I think you're going to have to be fairly direct and ask him what's the story. Be prepared for the fact that you may not like the answers and may just get excuses that won't sit any better than what you have so far.

redfox123

I'm just curious about this, 'he has never actually talked to me about our relationship or feelings or anything along those lines.. the very rare times we have discussed anything it's always come from me and I'm not the best at talking about my feelings either so it's like pulling teeth!'... How have you actually sustained any kind of relationship? I know everyone's different but two years and no talk of how you both feel?? How does it keep going, does he just keep contacting you and meeting up and talk about your day? Or are you the one driving the relationship.
I don't know, I think this would be more important than the parents house thing..because it could be a symptom of an underlying lack of a real commitment or seriousness about the relationship, from his side, but you don't know til you ask. I think that's the question and discussion needed. I know it's scary but you don't want to waste your time, you're both in your 30s you deserve to know whether it is going anywhere.

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silverharp

OP, does his family know you have a kid? if your bf "neglected" to mention it at the time then it might explain the awkwardness now? either way bring it up , he is old enough to not be overly concerned about what his family thinks and should be mature enough not to think youd judge him poorly based on some aspect of his family.

amtc

Not everyone has the same family dynamics. Personally I wouldn't bring someone home as whereas my mam is fine my dad is a nightmare as he is a smart alec. I know how to deal with him but for example I was going out with a guy for years who drove a country registered car and my dad didn't want it outside the house in case it decreased house value. Whereas I knew to give him a smart answer back the guy didn't.

I'd be more worried about the lack of communication. I'm not saying that you need to have everything planned but two years at this stage should be going somewhere or at least you should agree that it's suiting both of you.

Calypso Realm

Have to say this IS very strange, esp since he appears to have a reasonably good relationship with his parents in that he visits regularly etc. In addition it is a concern he's never talked about the relationship you two have after all this time . Out of interest, has he integrated you with his friends, colleagues etc and if so, how soon were you introduced?

Agree the only way to find what's really going on is to talk to him. There may be a valid reason (at least in his eyes) for his behaviour so far.

XarcherX

Op here, he is actually fairly close with his parents. I bumped into his Mam by chance twice and both times she was lovely to me. They know I have a child too, my daughter was with me the second time I bumped into her. She seemed really nice. From what he's said they sound like nice people so it's not that.
I've met his friends a good few times there's no issue there. It just bugs me that's it's been this long and I haven't been allowed to set foot in the door. In fact he's gone out of his way at least twice to avoid going there with me.
I suppose in the grand scheme of things it's not as important as us being able to talk about our relationship, which we don't do... at all!

kylith

You're going to have to bite the bullet and ask, I'm afraid.

milli milli

redfox123 wrote: »

I'm just curious about this, 'he has never actually talked to me about our relationship or feelings or anything along those lines.. the very rare times we have discussed anything it's always come from me and I'm not the best at talking about my feelings either so it's like pulling teeth!'... How have you actually sustained any kind of relationship? I know everyone's different but two years and no talk of how you both feel?? How does it keep going, does he just keep contacting you and meeting up and talk about your day? Or are you the one driving the relationship.
I don't know, I think this would be more important than the parents house thing..because it could be a symptom of an underlying lack of a real commitment or seriousness about the relationship, from his side, but you don't know til you ask. I think that's the question and discussion needed. I know it's scary but you don't want to waste your time, you're both in your 30s you deserve to know whether it is going anywhere.

Yes this is what stood out for me too, not the family thing.
Have either of ye said you love each other?
If you're not talking about feelings it sounds like a casual setup. However, maybe ye are both unable to talk about feelings which is fair enough - love is in actions too (actually moreso that words really).
Is your partner doing things for you - does he really listen to you, is thoughtful & mindful of you, he compromises, he does things to show he cares, doesn't take you for granted, etc.

If he is doing these things, then great. You need to chat with him about the family thing. If he cares about you and how you feel then he should be open to discussing it.
If he's not doing these things and is not bothered by excluding you from family time then it's time to have a serious talk with him.

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I haven't met his parents or other family yet. I'm not bothered about it. I figure it will happen in its own good time.

I know for me and my family, my mother was a stay at home mother and didn't work. From the outside it might look she has all the time in the world especially now that we are all grown up but that's not it. She's kept busy at home doing jobs and chores. There seems to be a early a never ending a supply of laundry like towels and bedclothes and clothing. When ever there is a dry day, the bin bag with a backlog of bedclothesI a comes out. I know with my own mother, she hates getting visitors because her track is stopped.

If my boyfriends family has a similar set up. A stay at home mother and some siblings grown up and living at home. If his mam is anything like my own, his mother is probably going to hate people coming in on top of her. He said something before which has me believe that his mother and mine are fairly similar.

Op, maybe it's a similar thing going on with your boyfriend. Maybe his parents are kept busy within the family home. Maybe your boyfriend had good intentions of taking you home but the time wasn't right.

Calypso Realm

XarcherX wrote: »

In fact he's gone out of his way at least twice to avoid going there with me.

What were the circumstances, context etc?

Addle

Took ages for my OH to bring me home.
The house he grew up in is very different to the house I grew up in.
He was embarassed.
I thought it was an issue but after a long time I was finally brought for a visit and am now I'm glad he's not bothered about me going to his folks.
Their house is filthy and I feel very uncomfortable in it.
I stayed once and will never again.

XarcherX

milli milli wrote: »

Yes this is what stood out for me too, not the family thing.
Have either of ye said you love each other?
If you're not talking about feelings it sounds like a casual setup. However, maybe ye are both unable to talk about feelings which is fair enough - love is in actions too (actually moreso that words really).
Is your partner doing things for you - does he really listen to you, is thoughtful & mindful of you, he compromises, he does things to show he cares, doesn't take you for granted, etc.

If he is doing these things, then great. You need to chat with him about the family thing. If he cares about you and how you feel then he should be open to discussing it.
If he's not doing these things and is not bothered by excluding you from family time then it's time to have a serious talk with him.

Yes we have said I love you, and to be fair he is very caring, affectionate & always includes me and the little one in plans we make etc. It's jut that he hasn't gone any further than that. I tried to talk to him 2 or 3 times about the future and that it was bothering me that we never spoke about anything and he got a little defensive and shut me down/ made me feel awkward for bringing it up anytime I did.
With the parents thing I don't want to go into too much detail as he may be on boards, I don't know! I'm sure he'd know it's me from what I've written so far! But anyway so recently enough we were in his house and he had to go home for an hour and could've asked us to go with him but didn't. My little one asked him could she go with him and he said no. I mentioned this to him after a while and he said it was because he had heaps of relatives visiting and didn't want it to be awkward for me.

XarcherX

Just to add im finding it very hard the last while to completely act myself around him and pretend everything's rosy when this lack of talking is constantly in the back of my head and I feel it's ruining any time we spend together. I know I have to talk to him and I will.

Calypso Realm

Addle wrote: »

Took ages for my OH to bring me home.
The house he grew up in is very different to the house I grew up in.
He was embarassed.

This is the sort of situation I've been wondering about,, since what you've described isn't that uncommon, judging by similar scenarios I've heard of, so far. However in most of these instances the partner's original home was in a different county/country-far away from where the couple were, at the time, residing. They'd also had the parent/s to stay with them from time to time.

Tigger99

I'm glad you are going to talk to him because it doesn't sound like he's as invested as you are.

If he gets uncomfortable and tries to change the subject or acts awkward you could say that this is important to me and I want to talk about it.

Addle

Calypso Realm wrote: »

This is the sort of situation I've been wondering about,, since what you've described isn't that uncommon, judging by similar scenarios I've heard of, so far. However in most of these instances the partner's original home was in a different county/country-far away from where the couple were, at the time, residing. They'd also had the parent/s to stay with them from time to time.

Mine wasn't far away and he lived there when we first started seeing each other!

Whatever the reason op, you're not happy about it. Tell him it's making you question your relationship. Be honest.

Augme

It could be possible that his parents are very religious and wouldn't like the idea of him seeing someone who is single with another mans child. Could be all the other reasons as other people have mentioned. I don't see the big deal myself and I have never cared about meeting girlfriends family. I do agree with others that the lack of discussion on the state of your relationship is a bigger deal.

amtc

This is not about his parents' house really. It's more about he's integrated into your life totally but you are not only to a certain extent into his friends. He's 39...has a girlfriend and a readymade family...but hasn't integrated you into his life totally.

If that suits you, then that's ok. I think you need a chat.

bucketybuck

You are both grown ups in your thirties and have been going out for 2 years, if you can't just ask him straight out what the deal is then you have bigger problems than meeting his parents...

tara73

bucketybuck wrote: »

You are both grown ups in your thirties and have been going out for 2 years, if you can't just ask him straight out what the deal is then you have bigger problems than meeting his parents...

she wrote in one of her last posts she's tried to talk about their future etc. several times and he gets just defensive!

amtc

tara73 wrote: »

she wrote in one of her last posts she's tried to talk about their future etc. several times and he gets just defensive!

That's because he's having his cake and eating it. That's why I said if it suits them, fine. The problem is that drifting isn't suiting the op. She doesn't want to wake up in ten years time to the same three nights a week semi relationship...or maybe she does?

I wonder what happens at Christmas? Not necessarily the day but surely there must be some kind of get together?

Icepick

XarcherX wrote: »

I tried to talk to him 2 or 3 times about the future and that it was bothering me that we never spoke about anything and he got a little defensive and shut me down/ made me feel awkward for bringing it up anytime I did.

This is your main issue. If you want to have a serious relationship with him, you are wasting a lot of valuable time by not talking about it with him or splitting up if he has different plans.

Eric Cartman

I have had numerous relationships end because of this, its never been anything to do with the girls themselves, but even when you tell them before it gets exclusive they never really seem to believe it. OP , it may be nothing to do with how your other half sees you, the future etc.. if you cant deal with it then better off leaving but as somebody who's been on the other end, having a partner get in to arguments / get upset on a regular basis because they cant understand your family situation is draining, upsetting in itself and really makes people like me feel ignored and resentful.

hal9550

wandered back on to this area of boards, and thought id offer my own experience

I have RARELY brought a lady home to my parents (either of them) due to a couple of reasons:

• Despite loving them, they are deeply flawed individuals. My mother frequently insults people for sport. From Weddings to family engagements, you can always count on her to star a 'scene'. Now i know they are old (both in late 60s) but with my mother in particular she can be almost abusive in things that she says. Frequently insults brothers GF on the basis she is overweight. WHY would i bring someone i care about (potentially love) into an environment where they will be belittled. I can deal with them, but i would NEVER ask someone else too
• I previously had a long term relationship that ended and both parents have a tendency to bring this up.. in my fathers case its less intrusive, but with my mother it is in line with the behavior i previously described.. Unfair comparisons based on everything including looks, weight, career, personality.. even accent

THAT said, i would frequently visit within reason as for better or for worse, they are my parents.


Then again i will also admit, i would explain this to a lady quite clearly


Just my experience

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hal9550

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Answering this i would say

• I did use the words "frequently visit within reason".. for me thats usually every 3-4 weeks.. not including birthdays, weddings and special occasions such as christmas
• Secondly they both have health problems and while not endorsing their behavior (AT ALL, i have had strong words with both), id genuinely prefer to be the dutiful son (For now anyway)

I dont get on with either, and in the case of my mother i can usually only tolerate her for brief intervals.. But at their age pal, well.. they wont be around much longer. Im pretty upfront with ladies (and friends for that matter).. and i have discussed my rather tenuous relationship when i did some counseling for personal reasons.


Anyway im off topic.. The point is that if i wasnt as open with people, for example a potential GF, it could appear as the OP stated. As though i am deliberately not bringing a lady to meet them due to the fact i am not taking her seriously. when in fact nothing could be further for the truth.


People have odd relationships with parents.. I chose not to inflict them on others unless it LITERALLY cant be avoided.

amtc

I'd kind of agree with the above. I wouldn't bring someone home ...as stated earlier my dad has a very odd sense of humour....my Mam would be grand but it's tricky enough when just the three of us so I wouldn't subject someone to a viewing! They'd be inspected, poked, prodded and not in a good way. I once brought two friends home when I still lived at home and my dad practically asked for a cv. It was coming up to my 30th and they were organising it and he asked if they were booking a phone box as no one would go. The clutch went in my car recently on the m50 and I phoned home. My dad came out...my best friend had subsequently arrived...and he ate me in front of her for the clutch. It was a mechanical fault.

So family dynamics are not all you see. I do see both my parents but separately as I'd never forgive myself if anything happened. Most of this is over the phone as it's easier. Mam likes eating out so I do that. I don't physically see my dad that much as he will pick me apart...my hair, what I'm wearing. And will do it in front of people. Most recently at my uncle's funeral. But they are 69 and 79.

But in this case...if you can't talk to someone you're on a hiding to nothing. That is much more crucial.

stargazer 68

hal9550 wrote: »

• Now i know they are old (both in late 60s) but with my mother in particular she can be almost abusive in things that she says. Frequently insults brothers GF on the basis she is overweight. WHY would i bring someone i care about (potentially love) into an environment where they will be belittled.
  
  Just my experience

amtc wrote: »

It was coming up to my 30th and they were organising it and he asked if they were booking a phone box as no one would go. The clutch went in my car recently on the m50 and I phoned home. My dad came out...my best friend had subsequently arrived...and he ate me in front of her for the clutch. It was a mechanical fault.

I don't physically see my dad that much as he will pick me apart...my hair, what I'm wearing. And will do it in front of people. Most recently at my uncle's funeral. But they are 69 and 79.

.

[*]
[*]My cents worth - late 60's is not old! My father is 72 and my grandmother is 92 and wouldn't behave like that to anyone! So age is not the issue here!

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hal9550

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Compartmentalization is a part of everyones daily life, in my opinion. It can apply to 'not bringing work home', or not allowing a family member to cause problems..

As to not accepting behavior that is inherently unacceptable i agree IN SPIRIT? But this is a very black and white way of looking at a situation pal. If i took that line to its ultimate logical conclusion, i would not interact with my parents at all. I spent a few years attempting to persuade them of the nature of their behavior, and pointing out that they were 100% in the wrong! The balance i reached was to withdraw to a point, certainly dont drop around for coffee, but i still visit.. Because as i said, one of these days, there wont BE ANYONE to visit.. At least when that point comes i can look back and say, for better or for worse i tried..

Dovies wrote: »

[*]
[*]My cents worth - late 60's is not old! My father is 72 and my grandmother is 92 and wouldn't behave like that to anyone! So age is not the issue here!
[/LIST]

Agreed, but its deeper than age sometimes.. and like i said it has been pointed out to them before

In relation to the OP, there are many possibilities to explain his behavior, but not all are negative.. I would go as far as to say the majority are not at all negative. You mention he has difficulty speaking about personal issues, and the nature of your relationship.. But you also mention that he is great with your child, and the relationship sounds positive from the general tone of what you said.

Hypothetically

• what if there are genuine issues with his parents. Perhaps they are like mine in that respect.. Suppose they, for whatever RIDICULOUS reason, have decided they dont like you, or 'mummy' doesnt think you are good enough for 'her boy'. Suppose also, that they are very vocal in their criticism.. Now further to this, given the guy is shy about dealing with personal issues, is it possible that he doesnt want you to know these things, for fear that you may demand that he take action.
• Therefore, in order to avoid that possibility, he is trying to have it remain a 'non-issue' by preventing you from coming into contact with the parents. But like me, he too wants to visit his parents, becuase, well, they are his parents!?

That said, they only solution is for you to sit down and speak with the guy

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hal9550

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Ok well immediately can i say im genuinely sorry that you had to take that measure. but im sure that you made the decision that you believe is correct for yourself.. and i commend you on that of course

In relation to OP i agree with you again, to a point. It can be embarassing for men and women to admit that there is a serious difficulty, especially when that difficulty is with parents.. I think for the most part people tend to have a decent relationship with their parents, and beyond certain critiques and opinions offered, parents are mostly respectful of their childrens decisions. You and I and obviously exceptions to this and again, its unfortunate. I have genuinely been jealous of the relationships between children and parents, when i have observed them with friends and ladies i have dated

I just think that the OP needs to sit down and directly have the discussion but! I think OP needs to be gentle in her approach. My own personal opinion is that a 'bigger picture' exists here.. something is not right.. but my (relatively positive) hypothesis remains, that he is in fact shielding her from something.. possibly something very specific, that he is GENUINELY afraid to make public to her. The fact that he refuses/is-reluctant to discuss the future makes me further believe the issue is in relation to the parents (or a parent's) attitude to the relationship.. we have all seen dramas on TV where an overbearing mother/father looks down on their offspring's choice of partner, and issues a decree that states.. 'dont bring so and so' here, or 'I want nothing to do with you if you stay with'... and so on

The guy does sound far more genuine to me, and i strongly disagree with earlier posts insinuating that he is probably not seeing the relationship as serious. the evidence outlined suggests otherwise.. But he is making a mistake to shelve the issue.. clearly.. as OP has become upset by it.. Only together, with cards on the table, can the OP decide how best to deal with it, but again dealing with the issue, whatever it is, will be easier when they share the problem together.

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amtc

Sometimes realisations happen in the oddest ways. It is only this year I realised that relationships are about looking in the same direction. And I've had quite a few!

It really doesn't sound like the op and partner want to or can talk.