Advice needed re online chatting

miss choc

So just need some advice from your girlies on this matter. A guy messaged me on POF about 3rd Oct a long message I might add and we are still chatting progressed from POF to whats app two weeks ago. First week I was sick so not in form for meeting up, second weekend he was busy with work. So it's been 16 days now and I think it has to happen now he has hinted 4 times for meeting up during the course of the 16 days. I know he seems interested as his messages are long and varied but I have found over the past 4 days I am initiating a bit more I like the sound of him as he is interesting and have lots in common but today I had a snook on POF and he was online very early in morning he had read my text at 5.57am too. I think this constant texting without meeting needs to be nipped in the bud before he starts getting bored and it's frustrating me by now cant do anything just texting. I understand he may be looking at other girls thats ok but I feel if I meet at least it might make the chatting a bit more solid. So nervous as I am I think I am going to broach the topic tonight for coffee I'm gonna be free this w/end and I feel if he really wants to meet he will fit me in somewhere I just don't know what to say in text terms. Any tips, advice help lol He is very comfortable to talk to and vice versa I don't think he plays mind games as one day I didnt hear from him and next day he texted and apologised so I havent been text ghosted yet it's 16 days so I want to bring it to the meet up level.

Meauldsegosha

miss choc wrote: »

I just don't know what to say in text terms.

"Hi, do you fancy meeting for coffee on Saturday afternoon? Say about 3pm."

That's all you need to say. Don't over think it.

miss choc

Yeah just be casual the fact he has thrown it into posts a few times just a bit irked he was online I know I'm being silly I just want to meet asap in case he gets bored.

njs030

miss choc wrote: »

Yeah just be casual the fact he has thrown it into posts a few times just a bit irked he was online I know I'm being silly I just want to meet asap in case he gets bored.

You're quite over invested in someone you haven't met yet, there's nothing wrong with him being online - you were also online to have seen him there remember?
It's better to keep some emotional distance until you've been on a few dates with someone and know a bit about them and there's an agreement to not see anyone else.

miss choc

Ha ha the only reason I went in was cos I got a notification message from another guy and I just happened to see him online I wasn't spying on him as I didnt really care I just saw it. He first started messaging me and his opening message was quite long totally different to the usual hi, how are yous, enjoying w/ends type, at first I wasn't sure but was intriqued.
We started messaging a lot as I was interested in his job, travel, hobbies etc and unfortunately crap got in the way so couldnt meet up but now I feel it needs to be done this week and I am going to bite the bullet if he says he is busy I will start having doubts, if a guy seriously wants to meet he will at least meet for a coffee for a few hours at least. I normally wouldn't initiate the meet up but I feel comfortable saying it and I want to get it out of the way tbh as I want to see if I really like him or not face to face. Still a bit nervous doing it though lol

njs030

It's nice to talk to someone you enjoy talking to but there's nothing wrong with him being online or talking to other people (and the same for you) until you have met someone a few times and decided not to see anyone else.

Don't be nervous, if he wants to see you he will and if he doesn't then there's plenty of others who will want to meet you.

Best of luck!

miss choc

Thanks I hate to see a society going forward in the future where there is textlationships everything is going so virtual and people getting lazy to meet up or life getting in the way it would just be nice to meet and if we click it's all the hassle done and if I dont at least I will know. The longer we text the worse it is for me cos my expectations are getting heightened I also say on my profile I dont want virtual penpals.

miss choc

Ok girls need a pep talk should I bite the bullet and ask tonight I know he is working till 9 -11 tonight or should I wait till tomorrow. Last message was from me last night that he read at 6.57 this morning I'll hate if I leave it late tomorrow and he doesnt reply till w/end I feel I need to get a plan moving. I think girls always need to get venue/time/day set in place more so than a guy they always can leave stuff last minute as in few hours beforehand that drives me mad. I want to be casual with a hi starting off and build it up but I don't want to come across as texting again ie too much. I wish I could read mens brains :rolleyes: I don't normally get like this but I like this guy

Meauldsegosha

You're over thinking this WAY too much. Giving that much headspace to someone you've never met is unhealthy.

miss choc

I know this online dating is so new to me and he seems a half decent guy I didnt text tonight cos just for breathing space we both got so caught up in finding out about each other and enjoying finding out stuff like a giddy teen, now I want to meet in person I know it mightened work and one of us not click but it has to be done

miamee

Did you ask him yet? The longer you leave it, the more likely he'll have other plans for the weekend

The longer you chat to someone by email/text, the more likely it is that you'll have built up an image of the person that might not reflect the real person. It can be a bit jarring to meet someone you feel you 'know' only to find that the way they talk/walk/act is different to how you imagined. I've done it a few times myself and it's better to meet up as soon as you both can.

miss choc

No not yet I knew he was busy last night and he wouldnt be home till after 11 which would have been too late I'm gonna text this afternoon and just get it out of the way all this pussy footing around he hinted 3 times in texts and just work (he had two interviews in two weeks with 2nd/3rd ones and his other work he does keeping him busy so I understand) and he lives just outside Dublin I need to pull it in and get a plan going I can be flexible so fingers crossed can sort out just a coffee.

miss choc

miss choc wrote: »

No not yet I knew he was busy last night and he wouldnt be home till after 11 which would have been too late I'm gonna text this afternoon and just get it out of the way all this pussy footing around he hinted 3 times in texts and just work (he had two interviews in two weeks with 2nd/3rd ones and his other work he does keeping him busy so I understand) and he lives just outside Dublin I need to pull it in and get a plan going I can be flexible so fingers crossed can sort out just a coffee.

Text him now.

miss choc

Did there 10 mins ago just said Happy Friday hasnt read it yet jeez I feel like a teenager again waiting

miamee

miss choc wrote: »

Did there 10 mins ago just said Happy Friday hasnt read it yet jeez I feel like a teenager again waiting

Did you literally only text "Happy Friday" ? I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a response, that just sounds like you are killing time and looking for a chat about nothing in particular. If you are serious about meeting up, I'd follow it up by saying you have some free time at the weekend if he'd like to finally meet up.

Neon_Lights

The longer it goes on the staler it gets

miss choc

Yeah I just wanted to touch base then I'd say it didnt want to lunge in with so wanna meet up for a coffee when I havent heard from him in a day. So over thinking at this stage I'm not gonna play it cool cos it would wreak my head if I havent heard anything by evening I'll follow it up with that. This is why I need tips not used to this

Meauldsegosha

miss choc wrote: »

if I havent heard anything by evening I'll follow it up with that.

If you haven't heard from him this evening don't send anonther text. You already sent one on Wednesday which he didn't reply to. Two texts not responded to = Time to move on.

miss choc

Yes I will see when he reads this even if a person is mad busy they have to take a lunch and break and have a look at their phone only takes a minute to say hello I'll mention meeting up this evening if nothing tomorrow I have my own plans for Sat night and I'll arrange stuff for Sunday In the past I never messed up my w/end's for flaky men

I don't understand any of this OP. Why did you only text "Happy Friday" and not "are you free such and such for coffee/drink"?

miss choc

As said I just said it to touch base keeping it light, instead of launching into "so let go out" I hadn't heard from him yesterday I will say it this evening then leave it. I just sent it on a whim to remind him hey I'll still here it's hard to overthink into what to say sometimes if he really wants to reply he will but I'm not gonna keep texting I'll ask him out for coffee no probs with that then ball is in his court

miss choc

miss choc wrote: »

As said I just said it to touch base keeping it light, instead of launching into "so let go out" I hadn't heard from him yesterday I will say it this evening then leave it. I just sent it on a whim to remind him hey I'll still here it's hard to overthink into what to say sometimes if he really wants to reply he will but I'm not gonna keep texting I'll ask him out for coffee no probs with that then ball is in his court

I guess I just don't understand what would have been so wrong with directly asking him out? Perhaps you are hoping it will come from him and that's ok but in my experience of dating there is absolutely nothing to be gained from taking the back seat and instead just wondering and thinking and analysing.

njs030

miss choc wrote: »

As said I just said it to touch base keeping it light, instead of launching into "so let go out" I hadn't heard from him yesterday I will say it this evening then leave it. I just sent it on a whim to remind him hey I'll still here it's hard to overthink into what to say sometimes if he really wants to reply he will but I'm not gonna keep texting I'll ask him out for coffee no probs with that then ball is in his court

If he doesn't reply it's better if you don't contact him again, if someone wants to talk you they will do so.
Honestly you're really overthinking this, it would have been better just to say it straight out but it's done now so if he replies just casually say "do you fancy a coffee over the weekend?" and if he doesn't reply just leave it.

Hope you do get to meet him but do relax a bit and remember he's just a person!!

miss choc

He texted back now about 10 mins ago "how are you hows your weekend shaping up ******" In for the kill now lol

Neon_Lights

miss choc wrote: »

He texted back now about 10 mins ago "how are you hows your weekend shaping up ******" In for the kill now lol

Tell him you're looking forward to a weekend filled with debauchery

Edit:... and Oh wbu?

panda100

This thread makes me despair at modern dating. Just ask to meet him for a coffee OP. This endless text messaging wrecks my head with online dating.

miss choc

I have it's a waiting game now he hasn't read the message yet I'm not gonna ask him again I wish neon lights but I'll check him out first if I ever get that coffee meet up. I understand though it can be hard to meet up life gets in the way due to personal stuff not making excuses but I have often postponed for personal reasons unfortunately I'm not in my 20's and carefree anymore where I can just go out on a whim have to plan it in advance

Galwayguy35

Did ye meet up for the date?

miss choc

Well he was out on Friday night and then yesterday afternoon I was busy and going to a friends birthday last night so he is going to try and meet for a coffee tomorrow as he will be going northside I will just see how it goes I wont be getting all dollied up and fake tan till I know time/place for sure. It will be normal Monday for me till I know.

njs030

miss choc wrote: »

Well he was out on Friday night and then yesterday afternoon I was busy and going to a friends birthday last night so he is going to try and meet for a coffee tomorrow as he will be going northside I will just see how it goes I wont be getting all dollied up and fake tan till I know time/place for sure. It will be normal Monday for me till I know.

Fake tan for a coffee?

notjustsweet

notjustsweet wrote: »

Fake tan for a coffee?

Sure what harm A bit of a glow might be nice.

miss choc

Well make up I meant I'm so tired these day I'd need a bit of a tan to look alive

njs030

God you're all so glam!!!
Swit sooo

Neon_Lights

notjustsweet wrote: »

Fake tan for a coffee?

Have you never heard of a pumpkin latte? GODDD

pilly

Well any further update OP?

miss choc

Ahh lads last text 7pm on Sat nothing since so I did my own stuff yesterday sans date wasnt gonna hang around wondering. I dont know what is going on his profile is mad detailed saying honest, genuine and no mind games and he seems to be doing that or could be just hes mad busy and not stressing on contact as men dont. I know he was busy with work and interviews and stuff but just a 30 second text to say cant do Monday would have been manners or maybe thats the way men flow now. I know a lot of girls would say just leave it as he doesnt owe you anything but I am a bit miffed 3 wks in contact and he initiated first two meet ups and his does a disappearing act I feel like waiting a few days and just sending a text not going all crazy but just a dignified contact as that it's rude to do that to a person and no matter how busy you are you squeeze in a tiny time in your day to contact it's not like he's working flat out 24/7 only other thing I'm thinking is he might be chatting to another girl online and weighing up options which is grand but I just would have preferred if he didnt want to take it further to let me know men are such cowards behind the phone. Advice girls? I understand too if this is his behaviour from the off I may have dodged a bullet.

whoopsadoodles

miss choc wrote: »

Ahh lads last text 7pm on Sat nothing since so I did my own stuff yesterday sans date wasnt gonna hang around wondering. I dont know what is going on his profile is mad detailed saying honest, genuine and no mind games and he seems to be doing that or could be just hes mad busy and not stressing on contact as men dont. I know he was busy with work and interviews and stuff but just a 30 second text to say cant do Monday would have been manners or maybe thats the way men flow now. I know a lot of girls would say just leave it as he doesnt owe you anything but I am a bit miffed 3 wks in contact and he initiated first two meet ups and his does a disappearing act I feel like waiting a few days and just sending a text not going all crazy but just a dignified contact as that it's rude to do that to a person and no matter how busy you are you squeeze in a tiny time in your day to contact it's not like he's working flat out 24/7 only other thing I'm thinking is he might be chatting to another girl online and weighing up options which is grand but I just would have preferred if he didnt want to take it further to let me know men are such cowards behind the phone. Advice girls? I understand too if this is his behaviour from the off I may have dodged a bullet.

Advice:

Don't contact him to tell him he is rude. You've no idea what's going on in his life and he may end up being the one to think he has dodged a bullet.

You say that men are cowards behind a phone, but you are the one who wouldn't ask him for ages just to go for coffee.

Leave it be. The ship has most likely sailed.

Just don't tar all men with one brush because of this please.

miss choc

Soz not all some are cowards
I did I used to agree when he mentioned it was just awkward to find time due to my personal issues I cant just go on a whim as I am a full time family carer and he was busy with interviews and two companies I was free two w/ends for him but he was out with a friend then busy next w/end I guess I should have seen sign it was difficult unfortunately. I'm guessing it was just no time on his part as he apologised twice that it's hard for him to meet up and he is new to the dating scene or that he is chatting to someone else. I know I dont/didn't kinda want to do that psycho bitch rant at him he doesnt owe me anything it's just sad in this day and age that ghosting happens. If tables were turned I would never do that no matter how busy I am I try and have a little piece of my day to contact someone if I like them. If I don't like someone at the start I dont initiate contact or I'll say sorry not interested just to be polite but maybe thats just me. I've moved on to another few anyway I won't waste time chatting to another guy now

miamee

Look, if he has no time or can't make time for a coffee with you then he certainly has no time for a relationship. Forget about him and move on.

miss choc

Exactly Miamee if he has time to sleep and eat he would have time to have a quick meet up. Unless it's a good reason if he came back I don't want to know it has kinda tarnished any potential first date now but sure this newbie online dater lives and learns and it makes you weed out the non runners.

pilly

I wouldn't take it too personally OP, this happens quite a lot. Some people are only on these sites for the texting and never have any intention of meeting up with anyone, not sure why, maybe they just get enjoyment out of the texting.

Anyway, take it as a lesson learned, don't waste your time texting someone for weeks, just set up a meeting fairly sharp.

Neon_Lights

The moral of the story. Act fast, early bird catches the cock (as in male bird)... like...

miss choc

Lol I'd be happy with a coffee and snog at this rate. It is so silly if some guys just want to text with no intention of meeting up I'm guessing it's a boredom thing late at night or hungover or they just like the thrill of the chase and an ego massage. My guessing cos you can't form a physical bond on texting alone. I wouldnt be surprised down the line people will have relationships without meeting anything goes in this world.

Neon_Lights

miss choc wrote: »

Lol I'd be happy with a coffee and snog at this rate. It is so silly if some guys just want to text with no intention of meeting up I'm guessing it's a boredom thing late at night or hungover or they just like the thrill of the chase and an ego massage. My guessing cos you can't form a physical bond on texting alone. I wouldnt be surprised down the line people will have relationships without meeting anything goes in this world.

Just meet up as soon as you can, if they don't seem a bit off.

njs030

miss choc wrote: »

Lol I'd be happy with a coffee and snog at this rate. It is so silly if some guys just want to text with no intention of meeting up I'm guessing it's a boredom thing late at night or hungover or they just like the thrill of the chase and an ego massage. My guessing cos you can't form a physical bond on texting alone. I wouldnt be surprised down the line people will have relationships without meeting anything goes in this world.

Some people are lonely and just want someone to talk to and some company, it doesn't make them bad people but if it's not what you want then arrange to meet up ASAP.

To be fair though you can't be going on about him not meeting up when you weren't able to either.
In future try to find time quite early on before you become attached.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Maybe it's just me but I'm always wary of people who explicitly describe themselves as honest and genuine and so on, and specify they're "not looking for/sick of drama". It's like the "I'm not racist" of online dating.

Chalk it down I'd say OP, it's annoying but the moment has probably passed. Learn from it and move on, there'll be more men

amtc

Marcel Eager Rug wrote: »

Maybe it's just me but I'm always wary of people who explicitly describe themselves as honest and genuine and so on, and specify they're "not looking for/sick of drama". It's like the "I'm not racist" of online dating.

Chalk it down I'd say OP, it's annoying but the moment has probably passed. Learn from it and move on, there'll be more men

Somebody wise once told me that if someone says you can trust me, you shouldn't!

Listen, anybody has 15 minutes to say hi.