Sexting and dating apps...Do I trust him and stay or go?

cottonsocks

Hi everyone,

I'll try not to make this long but I desperately need to hear some thoughts on this situation.

I'm 31, Irish, and have been living in London for the past 7 years. I have been dating an English guy for almost 3 years now.

Our relationship to date has been fantastic, and nothing like I certainly had ever experienced before, and he has expressed the same sentiments. However, something that has been an issue for the last 18 months or so, is that I have questioned his desire to have sex. It doesn't seem to be very often, and he never ever communicates about sex outside of the actual act of sex. He has rarely if ever really sexted me, or sent me any kind of pictures, without my asking, nor has he engaged in it. This has caused increasing levels of tension within the relationship. He claims he has a mental 'block' when it comes to talking about sex. it came to a head in August when we had probably the worst row we have ever had (and we don't generally row) when I lost it over his lack of caring about investigating why he didn't seem to want sex, and why he just wouldn't talk about it with me.

Fast forward 2 months to last week - I notice over a weekend, he is frequently showering and in the bathroom. I noticed his phone being taken with him too. A few days later, I was suspicious, so I looked at What's App on his laptop and got the shock of my life. There were about 12 random girls sending him messages, to which he had been frequently responding to both sexually and otherwise, including pictures from both him and her. His were in his boxers etc, and topless in a towel, but still graphic. As I was on the laptop and he was on his phone (he was on a work night, luckily I know this was true) I could see him live messaging them. I was absolutely livid and shocked. I called him immediately to come home. He admitted it straight away, however, he told me he paid £30 to gain access to the messages he received and then he and girls swopped actual phone numbers for what's app messages. That night, I looked up the website, and found he had actually paid £60 to gain access to the messages. I immediately confronted him and he told me he was too embarrassed to admit how much he had spent.

The next day, I made him leave the flat. I feel totally disgusted. I had thought we had a fantastic relationship with no issues. in June 2016, I found he had been on websites such as Ashley Madison etc, under fake made up profiles, he told me he was 'curious' but I do know the profiles were bogus and he messaged no one on them. However, I still never understood why he would be curious enough to look.

He seems devastated that we have finished. His reasoning for what happened was that he was finding he was under increasing pressure to deliver what he felt he could not to me, i.e. stimulating sexual conversation and interaction. We had chatted a number of times about him going to see a therapist however he didn't go. Instead, he choose to message anon girls to see how sexting felt. This is his reasoning. He says he felt 'bored' with the fact we had the same old negative conversation, and that our most recent argument 2 months prior felt so bad he says it made him feel different about the relationship, and this is why he ended up doing what he did. He joined the site on a Saturday and I found out the following Wednesday. The day I kicked him out, he booked a sex therapist and attended a few days later. I had been softening this week when I heard he went, and thought he really was making an effort, so on Monday I allowed him to come to the flat to talk. Emotions were very high and we ended up arguing, crying, and then sleeping together. He left the next morning to attend the therapist.

I had thought it may be possible to reconcile with him, but on Wednesday this week I was dealt the next blow. I found an app online which tells you when someone was last active on Tinder. I discovered he activated Tinder, Bumble and Happn last weekend and deleted them the day I found them. I immediately rang him and screamed down the phone that he was lying again. Yes, granted, I had told him it was over and technically he was single... but he claimed he was only on them after we broke up because his friends had said at the weekend to go on them as they may make him feel more positive about being single. His defence was he wanted to see what was out there and that he wasn't on there to meet anyone, he was just feeling so low and down after everything that had happened with us, and he joined them independent of his reasoning for the previous episode of sexting. I do know that over the last few months, he has increasingly been beating himself up over me implying he isn't 'normal' when he only wants sex once a week and never talks about or thinks about sex, and this is what subsequently lead to him seeking an outlet where there was little emotional involvement if he practised sexting and he could simply opt out of the conversation, where as with me, he says he panics and worries he will say the wrong thing.

I don't know what to think - until now, there has been nothing wrong in our relationship. I genuinely thought we were perfect. My trust is blown to pieces. I am annoyed he went on apps after we broke up, but it could be forgiven, but given the reason we broke up in the first place I think it was possibly the stupidest move yet.

Can anyone please give me your thoughts on this situation? Do I stay or go? In every other regard, I have had no reason to not trust him or rely on him. I just don't know what to think anymore.

Any questions let me know, I will answer and hopefully it will help me decide what to do.

strandroad

I don't know about the apps to be honest... but with this partner or the next why on earth would you like to reprogramme their natural sex drive so forcefully? It's not like you were celibate and abandoned. Plenty of people have sex once a week and they don't like sexting. Or even texting for that matter. If your preferences or needs vary, you sit down and work out a compromise, not badger one side into submission. It's likely that you did make him feel like a freak (how he decided to deal with it is another question).

Ursus Horribilis

Wow, this guy is full of excuses isn't he? He's all talk but his actions don't match his words. There are two big problems going on here. The sex problems you and he are having - at best the pair of you appear to be sexually incompatible. The other is that he has an established track record for cheating.

I remember you had another thread here during the summer about this guy. That thread and this one make me wonder how perfect your relationship really is. It just sounds like way too much drama for a relatively short relationship. My advice is to stay broken up. You'll probably never trust him again anyway.

retro:electro

Just walk away. This sounds like more hassle than it's worth. He's an out and out liar. Just be done with it.

_Whimsical_

Even if he is being completely honest with you about why he has engaged in this behaviour, and I doubt he is, it would be a weird and immature way to go about tackling the situation.

There are people out there who are not that into sex but still crave the attention, flirting and ego boost from women or men they'll never touch. It's the thrill and none of the intimacy and the responsibilities that come with it. I think what you've found out so far might prove the tip of the iceberg of his issues. A couple of years in and he still doesn't want to share his whole self with you, his sexuality, his truth, his full time if he spends part of it engaging with strangers for sexual kicks. I think you should do yourself a favour and find someone who has more to give to you and less focus on himself and netting his next ego boost.

Sephiroth_dude

Personally I would just walk away, what is your own gut instinct telling you?

kellso81

Listen to what you're saying, he doesn't feel comfortable and doesn't want to sext yet you're constantly pressurising him and fighting with him to perform a sexual act he doesn't want to do. I don't think that's a healthy relationship and it might be better for the two of you to walk away.

The Princess Bride

You're not even 3 years together.
You say it's fantastic yet for 18 months you've had problems with communicating about sex.
Halfway through this 3 years he was on Ashley Madsion.
And now this?
You just don't sound compatible to me at all.
It really shouldn't be this difficult so early in a relationship.

For the record, not wanting to sext or send sexy pics doesn't make him abnormal.
It just makes him him.
Personal choice etc...

Caranica

The Princess Bride wrote: »

For the record, not wanting to sext or send sexy pics doesn't make him abnormal.
It just makes him him.
Personal choice etc...

The issue surely is that he's sending these things to other women but not to the OP.

Leopards don't change their spots OP, sadly I think it's a case of kicking this guy to touch and getting on with your life. Look after yourself.

jimbobalob309

Your problem is you're listening to all his excuses, which are outlandish to anyone that isn't emotionally involved. Wanted to "see what it was like to sext someone" so starts sexy conversations with 10+ women? Megalolz at that one.

You're not compatible and no way in hell is this going to end well. With respect OP you're 31, how much longer are you going to stick around in a relationship that's going backwards if anywhere? These are precious years, get the hell out and give yourself the chance to meet someone decent who doesn't have more issues than Vogue magazine when it comes to sex and fidelity.

Icepick

It's the kind of behaviour sexual repression creates. He needs professional help and you need to figure out if you ever can be sexually compatible.

Augme

Honestly OP, where is your self-respect?

Ursus Horribilis

OP, have you gone for any tests to see if he has passed on sexually transmitted diseases to you? If he has been such an enthusiastic user of all these apps and sites, there is a good chance he has had sex with these other women. You would be very naive to think otherwise.

Unanimous

cottonsocks wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I'll try not to make this long but I desperately need to hear some thoughts on this situation.

I'm 31, Irish, and have been living in London for the past 7 years. I have been dating an English guy for almost 3 years now.

Our relationship to date has been fantastic, and nothing like I certainly had ever experienced before, and he has expressed the same sentiments. However, something that has been an issue for the last 18 months or so, is that I have questioned his desire to have sex. It doesn't seem to be very often, and he never ever communicates about sex outside of the actual act of sex. He has rarely if ever really sexted me, or sent me any kind of pictures, without my asking, nor has he engaged in it. This has caused increasing levels of tension within the relationship. He claims he has a mental 'block' when it comes to talking about sex. it came to a head in August when we had probably the worst row we have ever had (and we don't generally row) when I lost it over his lack of caring about investigating why he didn't seem to want sex, and why he just wouldn't talk about it with me.

Fast forward 2 months to last week - I notice over a weekend, he is frequently showering and in the bathroom. I noticed his phone being taken with him too. A few days later, I was suspicious, so I looked at What's App on his laptop and got the shock of my life. There were about 12 random girls sending him messages, to which he had been frequently responding to both sexually and otherwise, including pictures from both him and her. His were in his boxers etc, and topless in a towel, but still graphic. As I was on the laptop and he was on his phone (he was on a work night, luckily I know this was true) I could see him live messaging them. I was absolutely livid and shocked. I called him immediately to come home. He admitted it straight away, however, he told me he paid £30 to gain access to the messages he received and then he and girls swopped actual phone numbers for what's app messages. That night, I looked up the website, and found he had actually paid £60 to gain access to the messages. I immediately confronted him and he told me he was too embarrassed to admit how much he had spent.

The next day, I made him leave the flat. I feel totally disgusted. I had thought we had a fantastic relationship with no issues. in June 2016, I found he had been on websites such as Ashley Madison etc, under fake made up profiles, he told me he was 'curious' but I do know the profiles were bogus and he messaged no one on them. However, I still never understood why he would be curious enough to look.

He seems devastated that we have finished. His reasoning for what happened was that he was finding he was under increasing pressure to deliver what he felt he could not to me,  i.e. stimulating sexual conversation and interaction. We had chatted a number of times about him going to see a therapist however he didn't go. Instead, he choose to message anon girls to see how sexting felt. This is his reasoning. He says he felt 'bored' with the fact we had the same old negative conversation, and that our most recent argument 2 months prior felt so bad he says it made him feel different about the relationship, and this is why he ended up doing what he did. He joined the site on a Saturday and I found out the following Wednesday. The day I kicked him out, he booked a sex therapist and attended a few days later. I had been softening this week when I heard he went, and thought he really was making an effort, so on Monday I allowed him to come to the flat to talk. Emotions were very high and we ended up arguing, crying, and then sleeping together. He left the next morning to attend the therapist.

I had thought it may be possible to reconcile with him, but on Wednesday this week I was dealt the next blow. I found an app online which tells you when someone was last active on Tinder. I discovered he activated Tinder, Bumble and Happn last weekend and deleted them the day I found them. I immediately rang him and screamed down the phone that he was lying again. Yes, granted, I had told him it was over and technically he was single... but he claimed he was only on them after we broke up because his friends had said at the weekend to go on them as they may make him feel more positive about being single. His defence was he wanted to see what was out there and that he wasn't on there to meet anyone, he was just feeling so low and down after everything that had happened with us, and he joined them independent of his reasoning for the previous episode of sexting. I do know that over the last few months, he has increasingly been beating himself up over me implying he isn't 'normal' when he only wants sex once a week and never talks about or thinks about sex, and this is what subsequently lead to him seeking an outlet where there was little emotional involvement if he practised sexting and he could simply opt out of the conversation, where as with me, he says he panics and worries he will say the wrong thing.

I don't know what to think - until now, there has been nothing wrong in our relationship. I genuinely thought we were perfect. My trust is blown to pieces. I am annoyed he went on apps after we broke up, but it could be forgiven, but given the reason we broke up in the first place I think it was possibly the stupidest move yet.

Can anyone please give me your thoughts on this situation? Do I stay or go? In every other regard, I have had no reason to not trust him or rely on him. I just don't know what to think anymore.

Any questions let me know, I will answer and hopefully it will help me decide what to do.

I am not sure i like the way you handled the whole issue about him not sexting and all of that. i feel that you made him feel less than a man and so he may have gone to get experience else where. in my life when ppl try to get me to sext, i always feel really awkward and wonder what the right thing to say is. most of the times i end up cutting those ppl of because i feel really shy. if i were in his shoes, i would prolly also try to join a site to practice and gain experience.
That being said, i am not sure of his intentions and so its up to you to decide if you want to continue but in case of the future, i think you should put less pressure on ppl for things you want but they dont really want

bucketybuck

cottonsocks wrote: »

It doesn't seem to be very often, and he never ever communicates about sex outside of the actual act of sex. He has rarely if ever really sexted me, or sent me any kind of pictures, without my asking, nor has he engaged in it. This has caused increasing levels of tension within the relationship. He claims he has a mental 'block' when it comes to talking about sex. it came to a head in August when we had probably the worst row we have ever had (and we don't generally row) when I lost it over his lack of caring about investigating why he didn't seem to want sex, and why he just wouldn't talk about it with me.

I think you created a problem where one may not have existed and are now surprised that it turned into a real problem further down the line. You shouldn't be.

I hope you let him go, because I would wager that if you stayed together there would just be another 18 months of this sort of "tension", I doubt you would let him forget your version of these incidents too quickly.

Thats just my opinion from reading the OP, take it for what its worth.

Hmm_Messiah

I seem to be in the minority here, but I read this totally different

You come across as a bully - you have not even disguised the amount of confrontation you have had with him about sex and sexting ( wanting your boyfriend to "sext" seems just very juvenile to me, and suggests insecurities, or a total misunderstanding of the nature of human intimate sexuality)

Was he wrong ? Yes. Were you wrong ? YES ( in my opinion

Can his behaviour be explained as anything other than Cheating ? YEs ( in my opinion. These are anonymous people , much easier for him to communicate with ? people he cannot let down or fail, which seems to be something you are hammering home constantly to him - his failings and short comings in what you expect

I would not get hung up on the idea of Cheating . It might be there, but from what you spoken only in some virtual sense, which might be significant in an functioning relationship - but your relationship is dysfunctional


If you really feel the relationship is fantastic in other ways - then let him continue the counselling and maybe join him - so a therapist can communicate the core issue you have ( if its not just demanding sex to keep up either with your drive, or what you think is "normal")

IF you can't get to an acceptable situation regarding the sex / what each wants ( rather than expects/demands) towards what each can provide - then split up. But I would not be splitting up over these conversations he had in text - they very much do not sound like RESAL world to me , but rather than an escape from it


I am not sure how so many others are reading it differently - to your credit you seem straight forward in detailing how you approached the sex issues with him ( poorly, in my opinion)


3 years - if good over all, if you can see a future, then pursue the counselling for a while more - and at end of day I would be ending the relationship because of incompatibility rather than some sense of cheating, when the reality is much more nuanced than that


I actually read the first lines and thought you were in a long distance relationship, and that's why you craved/ wished for sexting and sex chat . Living as a couple is a very different thing , at last in my experience .

Estrellita

You say that you had the perfect relationship, but I'd say there was a side to him all along that you were blissfully unaware of.

If you've intimate issues then you talk to each other, failing that couples / sex therapy. You don't download dating apps, sign up to Ashley Madison and all the rest of it.

As I've said numerous times in my replies. He's not sorry, he's just sorry he's caught. He's not even that sorry, he is trying to blame all this on you and the 'negativity' in that part of your relationship. What a load of codswallop. All he's doing is having his cake and eat it. Undoubtedly hes rather pleased with himself when you swallow another load of his bullshít lies and decide that it's somehow partly your fault. When I read you'd slept with him after the row and the tears I winced for you. He's good, I'll give him that.

Time to snap out of it. Keep him on then you'll be forever tracking his lies and deceit. Come on girl, you're better than this.