The biggest hurdle you have faced with your OH

sashafierce

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pwurple

Barf to people on Facebook being couple-y. I don't know anyone who does that thank goodness!

Illness I suppose was rough, not that it was something we would have split up over, but it was emotionally frightening and exhausting.
Fights and arguments, I guess this was mainly when we were stressed and tired with a newborn. There were plenty of times I was thinking, Jaysus this would be easier without him getting in the bloody way, or why can't he do anything right. But we hung in there, and tried not to take the exhaustion, hormones and crankiness out on each other (not always successfully!), and got out the otherside of the nappy phase in one piece. I can see how it breaks people up though, and it has done for a lot of our wider circle. You really both need oceans of patience for it. 

Our friends were the greatest help there. We kept up a social life, once a month went out with our friends and that bigger picture, hearing about everyone elses lives etc kept our small issues all in perspective. We found it easy to get wrapped up in our own little universe at that time. Breaking out of that tunnel vision helped a lot. 

So yeah, grand in general. We're together nearly 20 years, and know eachother pretty well now. Sure, I'd like if he spent a little less time on his phone, he'd like if it I didn't work so much. but neither of us are particularly needy about attention. We don't really fight or argue. We do have lively differences of opinion of course, or discussions about money, but certainly nothing violent and we generally respect eachother's point of view.

sashafierce

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Macha

Division of household chores.

pwurple

sashafierce wrote: »

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To be honest, I am a bit of a pragmatist/ cynic. I am not one of those people who thinks there is one true love, or one person for everyone.

If he had a gambling & drinking problem, I wouldn’t be that crutch for very long, children or no children. I’ve told a fella to Bog off for similar, long time ago. And if there is violence as well... sometimes you are better off solo than with someone who is dragging you down.

_Dara_

My being diagnosed with advanced cancer. Niiigggs to that. :pac:

Before that, depression and job worries. All the hassle has come from my end. I live with guilt daily. It's a constant bedfellow.

baby and crumble

We're 14 years together.

Both have had depression, both have have to leave jobs because of it.

Relations with cancer. Lots. Illness, death, scares, the whole shebang.

Her Uncle with disabilities had a breakdown and we had to battle for 2 years to get his mental health sorted because the hospital "don't know how to deal with him" :rolleyes:

Job losses, both of us with cancer scares, and tbh loads of other stuff I'm not divulging on a public forum. Suffice to say we've gone to couples therapy, and we're not 100% sorted yet but it's definitely made us stronger.

You're not the only ones, OP. Chin up.

sashafierce

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Bambi985

I'd be of the opinion personally that sometimes enough is enough OP. Sometimes something will be too much of a hurdle to overcome and sticking around is to the detriment of your own health and happiness.

Now I'm a very loyal person and it's the number one trait I seek out in a partner, so I've found myself outstaying my welcome in relationships in the past, but what I've learned recently is that my needs and my ambitions for a certain kind of life aren't just going to melt away and there's an expiration date on how long my patience is going to hold up waiting for someone to change.

Very few people actually change, when it comes down to it. Alcoholism, gambling addiction and terrible money management would simply be intolerable deal-breakers to me in a relationship these days.

sashafierce

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Flibble

I was going to answer this but I actually can't on as a public forum, the hurdles I've faced in nearly all of my relationships have been immense.

I do remember doing a personality test in class when I was in secondary school, and mine said that I'd likely get caught up in relationships where I was the crutch for the other person. That has definitely, absolutely, come true. But then, I think I felt validated as a person for years by being someone's support through the rough.

My current relationship is DEFINITELY my forever relationship, without a doubt, but we're in the midst of a massive life-changing hurdle that I could walk away from at any moment if I wanted too, but I'm staying because I love him to bits.

It f*cking sucks though, but then life never goes in a straight line, tis all about the rollercoaster.

Ride or die, as they say.

sashafierce

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Bambi985

No one has a perfect relationship. Don't be fooled by Facebook! Every couples has issues, particularly when they've been together long term. Sickness, death and struggle are a part of life, doubly so in a partnership. Some couples break, others struggle beyond them but even the most seemingly solid of couples have often come through things you'd never have imagined.

Glad your fella is seeking help and I admire you for staying. In my case, the promises became empty and the crashing disappointment too hard to take. I lost trust and respect and I lost so much of myself to it all. I left quite recently and it seems to have been a wake up call - there's been AA and there's been apparent sobriety and honesty with his family about it all. I'm glad for him but uninvested at this stage because there's simply too much at stake for me in it all. I want a good life, a solid relationship, a family, financial stability, contentedness...all of the things that I could never rely on because of the drinking.

I wish the best for your OH but don't ever be afraid to walk away. You deserve a happy, secure life as much as anyone.

Flibble

sashafierce wrote: »

Appreciate your reply.

That's exactly how I feel, like a crutch. What a perfect expression. Things have been **** a long time but he has finally reached out for help and says he is trying to change now and won't be going back to his old careless ways.

I want to believe but from experience people can't just change. I'm so frustrated and feel like all my friends have perfect relationships so there's no one to talk to.

The key thing is if it feels like you're putting so much more into it than you get from it, it's time to bail. A relationship should, overall, enhance your life.

I've been through similar stuff in older relationships and it depleted me so so much, that I was damaged for years. That kind of crutch-role really takes it out of you.

The relationship has to feel worth it: you're not a superwoman with endless depths of caring, you have your limits.

A fruit tree will only produce fruit once it has enough energy to look after itself first. You HAVE to be #1.

beertons

Macha wrote: »

Division of household chores.

We solved that be getting a cleaner. Hoover's, washes floors and changes bed clothes. We don't row as much now. Best money ever spent.

LollipopJimmy

Weve been through deaths, major work issues etc but choosing where to go for dinner... it sends me into a murderous rage

meeeeh

There are pressure mostly connected ultimate work. When the first one was born first month or two were hard because we were also moving house. I don't think I was ever in the situation wondering if it's worth it.

Happiness can't be judged by facebook photos but while people go through life stresses it doesn't necessarily mean they will question the relationship they have with their partner. Partner getting seriously ill would be a big shock for me but drinking and gambling would be a lot bigger test.

pwurple

sashafierce wrote: »

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Sounds like you are staying with him out of pity. Or that you are worried people will think you are cruel to go.

I don’t think that is good for either of you. If it’s over, it’s over. There is always something happening in someone’s life... oh he just got a new job, oh he just got let go, oh he has a cold.

I have a friend who stays with a fellow she literally cannot stand at ths stage she is so bitter. She financed his college, he didn’t put much effort in, slunk through it failing everything, dropped out. Didn’t bother getting a job, plays playstation all day and night. Continue to bankroll. Had a baby, zero help, continues to playstation, she has to pay a creche, he won’t even pick the child up when sick, she has to call her mum. The baby is now 8. Still the playstation, and now teaches the child to play too. She is working 50 hours a week in a v physical job, hires a childminder and they eat 100% takeaway because she has no time/energy to cook. All they do is fight and all she does is complain about him. But he has depression, so she doesn’t want to kick him when he is down by throwing him out.

What would you say to this woman?

Teyla Emmagan

pwurple wrote:

What would you say to this woman?

GTFO

sashafierce

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SusieBlue

Think we may be going through one of those hurdles right now. In the space of a year I've gone back to college by night, changed careers, and we've moved in together. He's also suffering with depression (only recently disclosed to me but I had suspected for awhile).
The adjustment hasn't been seamless.

His job involves long shift work, and he wants to do everything. He wants to excel in his job, spend time with me, and see his friends regularly. But its impossible. Because for the last few months, he's been on 3-4 over night shifts a week. Which leaves me home alone, quite a distance from a bus route and no car, up to 4 nights a week.
On his 3 days off, I'm not home till 6pm. We'll have dinner together and then he'll want to go out with his friends who also work 9-5.
He might only do this one night a week, maybe 2. But added with the night shifts it means I can be home alone 5-6 nights out of the week with no company, and it sucks.

And its so hard, because I obviously want him to see his friends.
But I feel like I'm always the one that loses out. We've had many fights about it but have yet to find a solution. He can't change job, he needs to blow off steam too, so I just have to tolerate it. We're only in our mid 20's so still very young.
Finding the balance is tough.

I will say it was never like this before we moved in together. If anything he saw too little of his friends, only once or twice a month. I think he's just so comfortable and he feels if he sees me for an hour or two in the evening he "did his duty" so to speak, so he's free to go.
Both of us are the first in our respective groups of friends to move in with a partner so we have no one to compare "normality" with.

We're together over 3 years and bar the odd silly argument this is our first "bad patch". And I'm reluctant to even call it that because for the most part we get on amazingly well, he treats me brilliantly, does so much for me in every sense. Its just something he's finding hard to find a balance with and its causing tension. I'm not going to turn around to him and tell him he isn't allowed out with his friends!

I know its totally different to your situation OP but I wanted to sympathise. Its so hard.

sashafierce

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eviltwin

We've had a lot, deaths, unemployment, depression, having a baby very early on, an abortion, a child with special needs......

We seem to work well when we are in crisis mode, we stay connected and have got through everything life has thrown at us and we are probably stronger for it.

Housework is probably the biggest on going issue.

retro:electro

Oh lots.
We moved in together straight after college but I soon moved home to care for a sick parent. When it was time to move back in together we signed a new lease and then he got a job elsewhere leaving me basically living alone. I see him only every two weeks. He has very pressurised job, and sometimes I can go two days without even getting a text back. It's worlds apart from how our relationship used to be but I feel like we'll get there eventually and I just need to stick it out for a few more years until he gets something nearer.

A lot of my friends tell me I have the best of both worlds, but it's really lonely living alone with the dog when he's supposed to be here. There have been times when we have almost split, a few weeks ago being the most recent. But we manage to work it out. I feel like there is a huge bit of his life that I'm not a part of, and that doesn't sit well with me. I really miss the relationship we used to have and I'm almost holding on in hope that we can get back to that someday.

sashafierce

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SusieBlue

anna080 wrote: »

Oh lots.
We moved in together straight after college but I soon moved home to care for a sick parent. When it was time to move back in together we signed a new lease and then he got a job elsewhere leaving me basically living alone. I see him only every two weeks. He has very pressurised job, and sometimes I can go two days without even getting a text back. It's worlds apart from how our relationship used to be but I feel like we'll get there eventually and I just need to stick it out for a few more years until he gets something nearer.

A lot of my friends tell me I have the best of both worlds, but it's really lonely living alone with the dog when he's supposed to be here. There have been times when we have almost split, a few weeks ago being the most recent. But we manage to work it out. I feel like there is a huge bit of his life that I'm not a part of, and that doesn't sit well with me. I really miss the relationship we used to have and I'm almost holding on in hope that we can get back to that someday.

I could have written that myself. Its the loneliness that gets to me, and I'm starting to resent any time he spends socialising without me. In my head, because he already spends 3-4 nights a week away from me (at work) he should spend the 3 he has off with me. But he obviously needs downtime with his friends too.
I can really relate to missing the old relationship..In a lot of ways I think we weren't ready to move in together at all.
Relationships can be so hard. The only thing getting me through it is knowing that you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.

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sashafierce

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Permabear

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pwurple

sashafierce wrote: »

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I see some similarities at the start... my story is just where it eventually led. The similarity is addiction issues she put up with because she loved him.

The part where he is losing keys, money etc... all my alarm bells are ringing.

Anyway, if that’s being dealt with, good luck. Hope it works out.