Do I have to leave my Job?

LegacyUser

Hi I am writing this as a last resort to get some clarification before I have to leave my job.

I work in a semi state company and share an office a man a lot higher up the ladder than me, so basically he is my boss I suppose although .

I have had jobs before where I suppose I was bullied a bit and wasn't very happy but never did anything about it, but looking back it affected me deeply.

So my problem here isn't that he is bullying me , it is the opposite.

I have a serious crush on him and I am engaged to be married. This is not what I want and I am struggling deeply with this. It has been going on for over a year . I told my partner about it and he was very understanding and even felt guilty as he felt that he had a part to play in it.


This man is married with children and not only that he is a lot older than me. Like older than I would even / normally approve of.

I have never had any interest in married men and would be the first to tell a married man to f off if they showed any interest in me.

My partner has been very understanding, as I said and even helped me to get over it.

When I say this is going on for over a year, it comes and goes, sometimes it goes for a couple of weeks and I think I have this under control and then it gradually seeps back in.

Before people start bashing me for having a crush on this married man, I have no control over this. (apart from not acting on it of course). I have never had innapropriate crushes on married men before.

I am not even physically attracted to him. It is his personality that pulls me in. He is just the nicest man I have ever known. He makes me want to be a better person. I know that is not a bad thing , but sometimes the crush starts affecting me, like now and I over think it.

I know I would never act on it. I am afraid, he and other people will or have already noticed that I have a crush on him. It also hurts to have such strong feeling s for someone and not to be able to tell or show it.
Apart, from the crush and even when sometimes the crush does subside , I still am very fond of him and care about him very deeply.

As far as my partner is concerned, he thinks it has cooled off , as it had the last time I spoke about it. Now I have to tell him that it s back again.

I have no intention of acting on it, but I am worried about x mas parties coming up and me having too much to drink and confessing everything.

I am so happy in this job otherwise , I don't want to leave but I cant continue to work with someone I have such strong feeling s for. Then I think , what if I leave and end up working with horrible people like it has happened to me before.

Another thing that worries me, is if he notices. Would a middle aged man notice that a younger woman has a crush on him or would he think I am just friendly?

I don't touch him or wear low cut tops or anything like that. I just mean in my general body language.

This man is very nice to me and I don't know if it is because he is just a very nice person or if he also may feel the same. A man in his position would have to be very careful about these things and he is a professional person. It does cross my mind if he does feel the same and is struggling with this also. Obviously I cant discuss it with him.

I don't know what I expect from this post. Any ideas or past experiences would be appreciated. I keep thinking this will pass and decide to stay but then it just comes back again.

I know I would never act on this , I have no intention of starting an affair and I don't even know if he is that way inclined anyway.

He is a good man so I presume he wouldn't. I don't know if he looks at me as daughter or a as a woman.

Help. This is driving me crazy. I am otherwise of sound mind and do not go around breaking up families. Please don't judge me. Should I leave my job?

zoobizoo

Don't drink at work parties would be a simple piece of advice.

Gael23

For the benefit of both of you, I think you should leave or transfer to a new role if that's an option.

Rubberchikken

I think this man's kindness and professionalism is in such contrast to others that you worked for/under that you've confused it with 'Love or even a crush.

That's normal and to be expected I think.

I wouldn't recommend you leave your job unless you're truly unhappy.
You've spoken to your partner about this. You realise your not going to act on it. Worrying about a Christmas party or how much you'd drink or how you'd behave is way too premature.

Accept that you finally have a good work role model. Appreciate this man's kindness and professionalism and learn from it and let it help build up your self esteem.
Good luck

Pelvis

For the love of god don't tell your BF about this.. again. If I were him and my GF had to remind me from time to time that she has a crush on a guy she shares and office with, she would not be my girlfriend for very long. It's the ultimate head wreck.

retro:electro

If you are already worried about getting mouldy at the Xmas party and spilling the beans then either don't go to the party or go and don't drink. If it's already playing on your mind then it's going to happen.
I feel sorry for your partner in all of this. He seems like a decent person and very understanding, you're very lucky to have him.

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

I would actually suggest you going for counselling.
It seems like the other jobs affected you more than you realize and now there's a compensation element happening here.
I would not look to leave a job you are otherwise happy in.
A counsellors impartial perspective will help greatly.

Neyite

Any chance it's limerance OP?

LegacyUser

Hi .
Thanks so much for all the posts.
Trying to get on with things as normal today.
Someone mentioned counselling and I actually did that a while back. Counsellor said its complete ly normal to have a crush and is only a problem if a . I act on it or b. Beat myself up over it . I am beating myself up over it. I was in bed half the weekend feeling depressed over it.
Have felt like this before over him and then it passes.

Don't think the bullying in a previous workplace has anything to do with it. I've gotten over that and also would have made good friends in that workplace too. It was more of a cultural problem there as well.
Someone said to act on it . I could jt do that to my partner or to him. He is married . it would be completely wring.
He is also 20 years older than me. How embarrassing. Again . this is not something I chose.
What ever it is I know I need to knock it in the head and separate myself from it .
I will also look up limerance as someone suggested.
My partner is being understandable about it because I think he knows deep down this man is older than me and not a threat to him. He understands that we work in close proximity and how that can cause relationship s or friendships to grow.
He also is away a lot so realises I don't get everything I need from him emotionally.
I've asked myself is he just a safe crush to have because he is old married and not my normal type but it is going on too long for that to be the case. I don't know .... Just have to try get over him I suppose and not drink at x Mas party

retro:electro

If you're in bed and depressed half the weekend over it then it sounds more than just a crush. It sounds very unhealthy.

December2012

Change job. It will be good for your mental health to not deal with this for 8!hours a day

m'lady

As already suggested, just don’t drink at the Christmas party, and to be frank- I don’t understand why that never occurred to you, unless you actually wanted the whole ‘confession’ type scenario and maybe, just maybe secretly hoping he’d confess too?

By the sounds of it this man has acted in a professional manner and is treating you like a colleague, so I wouldn’t be reading too much into that.

Also again as already suggested- don’t be telling your boyfriend how you are feeling from here on- seriously I think that’s a bit too much- I know if I was to do the same I’d be told to get stuffed!!

Is there something lacking in your relationship that unknowingly to yourself this man has offered?

I don’t think I’d be too quick to move jobs or transfer, as I think you need to deal with the root of this problem as this could happen again in a different job down the line.

Melisandre121

Without sounding too Freudian, how was your relationship with your dad? It sounds like you have some sort of longing/attraction towards this man that goes much deeper than a crush. It seems like you might view him as some sort of kind father figure, maybe that was something that was missing for you growing up and that's what he represents? Or I could be totally off the mark.

Either way, sorry to hear it's affecting you so much. Could you by any chance keep your job and move to a different office??

silverharp

would you have a "non insulting way" of changing where you sit? another office or downgrade to an open plan area. makeup some plausible excuse?

Purple Mountain

OP I think you should make another appointment with your counsellor.
The situation seems to have escalated since you last were there if you're so full of anxiety / dread you are bed bound over it.
Please seek a professional and impartial ear.
x

Faith

I wonder if this crush might represent something that you feel is missing in your life or relationship? I'm married and still get crushes, and I think it's totally normal. The difference seems to be that I find them a pleasant diversion that lasts for a couple of weeks, but yours seems to consume you. What does this man represent, do you think?

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies.
I looked up limerence and it could be a little. Probably more of a crush.
I'm not constantly down over it. I was in bed this weekend because it just caught up on me. I was down in myself for having a crush on someone else. Most weekends I am busy and don't think about it too much.
I am acting fine in work and everything "appears" to be fine. It's not getting me down so much this week now but I know in a few weeks it will get me down again.
When I went to the counsellor she said to just let the crush run it's course and I suppose that's what I need to do.
I might start looking at other job options and keep my eyes open.
I get on very well with this man so I would also miss him if I left.

Someone asked about my relationship with my Dad. We have a good relationship but I suppose he wasn't the picture perfect American soap Dad. He would be away a bit and sometimes drank too much. I also went to counselling over this. My dad is a good man and we do have a good relationship now.

The oldest man I have had a relationship with was 11 years and I did feel in the end he was too old for me and swore off older men. My current partner is only a couple of years older than me. I just don't know. I still have the crush but it's not getting me down like it was the other day.

Sometimes at weekends if I meet up with friends and were chatting I wonder what it would be like if I was out this man instead. Silly I know.

Anyway I don't have any intention of stealing another woman's man. I don't know anything about his relationship , only that he is married. He doesn't have a reputation for chasing other women or any thing like that.

Looks like its a bit of limerence / crush and it's the cross I have to bear for the moment. When it will pass I don't know. I don't see it going away anytime soon as it has gone on for over a year now.

I cant move offices / change seating arrangement. Its just not an option where I work .

Hopefully it will pass someday and I wont drink at the x mas party......

up for anything

Stupidcrushonboss wrote: »

He also is away a lot so realises I don't get everything I need from him emotionally.

It sounds to me like you're not getting much from your partner in spite of him being such a nice understanding guy. There can't be much going on for you with him if you're harbouring such a huge and consuming crush for the last year. You're obviously looking for a bit of excitement and to spice up your life... in a safe way at the moment but not for much longer the way you're coming across. Maybe you need to be free to look around and find someone who makes you feel alive. Your partner obviously doesn't if you spent half the weekend in bed pining for someone else.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't understand why you feel the need to keep bringing this to your fiance? Put yourself in his shoes (age of your crush is irrelevant). How would you feel if he came to you and told you he has such strong feelings for a friend/colleague someone he spent every day in very close proximity too? I understand that you might have felt guilty about it at first and admitted to him. But for it then to turn to something he "helped you get over" and even took responsibility for??? Seriously, I don't get that.

You should not go to your bf again with this. If you feel the need to continually confess this to your bf then the only thing you should be telling him is you have to finish the relationship. I know you can't help your feelings, but I honestly don't see how telling your bf and making him feel second best could be helping you to get over it, or healthy for your relationship in any way.

You seem to be infatuated. Something's got to give. You either move job and try to forget him, or you end your relationship and stop stringing your bf along, and worse allowing him to take responsibility for your feelings. Plenty of people can conduct relationships when one partner is away. If you are openly admitting that you don't get everything you need, emotionally, from your partner, then I'm confused as to why you stay in a relationship. If he changed job, and was around more often, do you think your feelings for this man would lessen?

I'm just not sure you're being honest to yourself, or your partner about your relationship. You seem to be more likely to discuss your 'relationship' with this man then you are to discuss your actual relationship with each other.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure it's wise to marry your "current partner" when you feel like this about this other man? It's not normal to have a crush of this magnitude on someone, especially when you're engaged to be married. And it's mind-boggling that you told your fiance about this. I mean, why would you do that? It all makes me wonder is there some sort of deep-seated neediness in you which isn't being filled by your fiance. Why are you not crazy about him? He seems curiously absent in anything you've written about your relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

...your fiance.... He seems curiously absent in anything you've written about your relationship.

This sticks out, OP. You've written a number of lengthy posts and your fiancé barely gets a mention, except to maybe push a bit of blame his way. Even the title of your thread is concern about your job, not your relationship!!

I feel sorry for your fiancé. He is way down your list of priorities, and he doesn't even know it. Maybe you should tell him, again. But this time be honest. Be clear. Make sure he knows exactly how deep these feelings go. That you imagine days out with this man, that you've spent days unable to get out of bed and face the day with thoughts of not being with this man.

Unless you are willing to do whatever it takes to save your relationship with your fiance you need to lay it all out to him and be clear. Give him a chance to decide if this is a relationship he wants to pursue, before you legally commit to each other.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for the replies.
I know I didnt mention my fiancé much but I have talked to him about how bad I feel over it and do feel bad over it so i was writing the post to seek advice over my job. I can deal with my relationship issues with my partner . just needed some advice about my job .
This week has been alot better for me. I'm not obsessing about it . just getting in with things. I did have a dream about him but it wasn't sexual and suppose that's normal when I'm with him all day.
I suppose I just have to set a time line on this like say if its not solved by January then I'll look for another job .
In the meantime I'll take on board the comments about my relationship but I do feel I left him out of it because I was looking for advice about my job
My partner is understand ing about the crush and says people that work together can form bonds etc. Thanks

robbiezero

"Understanding" is a long way down a long the list of things I would be feeling if my fiancee came home and told me she had a crush on a much older married man. I wonder if you have all that much respect for him, the fact that you told him and also I wonder if you could have much respect for someone who is such a wet rag.
Maybe that is what you are missing and what you see in this other guy - self-confident, assured, dignified etc.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah, I think you don't have a problem with your relationship because either, you haven't been honest enough with your bf about the extent of it, or you have, and he's just rolled over and been understanding about it all so you don't think there's any threat to your relationship there, you can treat your bf like crap and he'll stick around waiting for you to decide what you're going to do.

Do you love your bf?
Can you see yourself happily living as a couple for the next 50 years?
Is he the one you want, truthfully?

When we enter a relationship, and marriage we commit ourselves to that person. And we make a choice to be faithful (unless specifically agreed to have a more unorthodox relationship). You don't see fulfilled enough and happy enough with your partner for a long and fulfilling marriage to work.

Of course overtime we will feel attracted to others. Marriage doesn't make you blind, or cut off all feeling, but the bond and strength of your relationship is what is supposed to keep you faithful to your partner. If this man wasn't married, if he was single and showed interest in you, is your relationship with your fiancé string enough to stop you from acting on it? It doesn't seem it is from your language here.

It seems you're settling.

As for your job, this will only affect you if you continue to allow it to. Spending half the weekend in bed, pining over a married, older work colleague... Come on. What do you think will be different by January?

One way to look at it is how is this man with everyone else? Is he nice and friendly to everyone? He probably doesn't notice you in the way you are obsessing he might. You're his colleague. He's nice to you. He probably even likes you, as a colleague and a friend.

You can't help your feelings, as you've said. So what do you think will be different by January? And if it's cooled off by then, what's to stop it resurfacing again in March?

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder is your fiancé settling too? Because I'm a bit gobsmacked that you've told him all this and he's being "understanding". Why isn't he spitting feathers or hurt or showing some sort of stronger emotion?

Big Bag of Chips

Exactly how honest have you been with your fiancé? If he read this thread and what you've posted do you think he'd still understand that people who work closely together can develop feelings like this? For the record, I worked, for 10 years in a department where there was only me and a slightly older man. We worked very closely, and shared an office for 10 years. I was very fond of him and we had a nice relationship. Never, ever in 10 years did I consider anything else between us. Never.

Would you show this thread to your partner? If he read what you've typed how do you think he would feel? Would your relationship still not be a problem for you? If he is so understanding that this can happen colleagues is there a chance he feels the same about someone else?

Colser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I wonder is your fiancé settling too? Because I'm a bit gobsmacked that you've told him all this and he's being "understanding". Why isn't he spitting feathers or hurt or showing some sort of stronger emotion?

I agree...also maybe the OP is annoyed that he didn't react like that.
I think you're bored and looking for drama OP,surely you could have come up with the idea of not drinking at the Xmas night out yourself or better again not going at all if you genuinely feel you might do something stupid.I think this has less to do with your boss and more to do with your relationship...sounds like boredom or dramatics to me.

LegacyUser

Hi . thanks for replies.
I take it on board. Maybe he doesn't realise the severity of it . I did talk to a counsellor about it and she said that crushes are completely normal.
For now I am focusing on my relationship and detaching from my colleage . not in an obvious way but emotionally. I am not thinking if him out of work. I talked to a friend about it and she thinks it comes on when I'm stressed and she may have a point and also when I'm bored.

I have been reading that crushes are normal so I suppose all I can do is accept it and move on. As I said I dont intend on acting on it.
I'm not a bad person . I just developed feelings for someone over time that I should nt have. I'm sure if my coworker was of my own age I would have had more awareness and probably had my guard up more. I think i let my guard down because it was safe.
I know people think my fiance isn't reacting . I m sure he's hurt over it but I just don't think he thinks there is anything to worry about . he is not a jealous person in general anyway.
I do love my fiance and yes things can be difficult sometimes with him being away alot but things are changing at the moment where he won't be away as much.
I seem to have it under control at the moment .

Big Bag of Chips

Crushes are normal. But a crush doesn't usually cause a person to stay in bed half the weekend. That's veering towards infatuation. A crush doesn't take over your life to the point where you feel the need to go to counselling over it, or leave your job because of it. I hope you continue to concentrate more on your relationship and less on this man. If you find yourself slipping back to old ways you will have to leave your job.

stuboy01

have a friend whose wife said she was developing strong feelings for someone in her office.
His reaction: 'you have to leave your job'.
she refused, he ended the marriage and kicked her out of the house.
A normal reaction in my opinion.
your fella's reaction would be setting off alarms for me if he was my wife (if that makes sense)
unless you have underplayed the 'crush' when telling him and made it kinda jokey.

MartyMcFly84

This sounds way beyond a crush to me.

I was in a 7 relationship and my long term girlfriend fell in love with someone about 10 years older in work and left me. What you are describing reminds me somewhat of the situation I found myself in. My ex was besotted with the person she met in work and fell head over heels in love. I could not understand how she could have such strong feelings for this person. They knew each other a while but over the space of a week decided to take the relationship further and she fell madly for this other person to the point neither she or I could make sense of it.

You need to seriously think about your next steps. Do you want a relationship with your current partner? If so you need to address what is wrong. In my case my ex and I were together for a long time so I probably took things for granted and could have used a waking up, and this other person was offering on a plate everything our relationship was missing.

I have a feeling you are telling your partner about your "crush" because you feel guilty about it and it helps resolve your own guilt when you tell him.
However I would be surprised if you are telling him the full story, that you are bed ridden because of your feelings for another man...

It sounds like there is something seriously lacking in your current relationship and your heart is open to finding it somewhere else. You have to either decide you want to fix your relationship, and move away from current temptation. Or that you want to end your relationship and open yourself up to new experiences and possibilities.

Really that is what is comes down to.

LegacyUser

Hi .
I do think some people are a little harsh saying I should break up with my partner . if I may say so.
I wasn't going to the counsellor especially for my crush but for something else now and again so spoke to her about that too when it was bothering me.
I've been in my relationship for a long time so I feel its normal that at times its going to be boring . I'm not discussing bins or bills or boring things with my boss so obviously its a bit more exciting .
Anyway. I dont know . I still have feelings for him but the infatuation is not there and I keep my distance physically and don't do anything untoward.
I be been reading up on emotional affairs and it may be borderline that although I do not discuss any personal issues with my partner or give out about my partner to him or say anything to show that there us any weakness in my relationship.
Over the course of a long relationship I'm sure things like this may pop up. I am not dead I'm in a relationship . I am not doing anything wrong just happened to let my guard down with someone because I would never have seen him as someone that I would fancy.
My partner is a not settling. He understands I went through a hard time and that this started around then as a distraction. I dont know. I can't figure it out. All I can say is I dont have any intention of acting on it and I dont fancy any one else or look at other men .

LegacyUser

Stupidcrushonboss wrote: »

Hi .
I do think some people are a little harsh saying I should break up with my partner . if I may say so.
I wasn't going to the counsellor especially for my crush but for something else now and again so spoke to her about that too when it was bothering me.
I've been in my relationship for a long time so I feel its normal that at times its going to be boring . I'm not discussing bins or bills or boring things with my boss so obviously its a bit more exciting .
Anyway. I dont know . I still have feelings for him but the infatuation is not there and I keep my distance physically and don't do anything untoward.
I be been reading up on emotional affairs and it may be borderline that although I do not discuss any personal issues with my partner or give out about my partner to him or say anything to show that there us any weakness in my relationship.
Over the course of a long relationship I'm sure things like this may pop up. I am not dead I'm in a relationship . I am not doing anything wrong just happened to let my guard down with someone because I would never have seen him as someone that I would fancy.
My partner is a not settling. He understands I went through a hard time and that this started around then as a distraction. I dont know. I can't figure it out. All I can say is I dont have any intention of acting on it and I dont fancy any one else or look at other men .

And its back again . obviously I need to start looking for a new job !

LegacyUser

I can relate to this but I am the older man in my situation. There is a difference in that we are both single with no children. I still would never make a move cos of the big difference. I think about her all the time when im off work and it gets me down sometimes. Its weird cos I can usually take or leave people in general but Ive never met anyone like her before. Im thinking about leaving the job just like you are.

Lollipops23

Stupidcrushonboss wrote: »

And its back again . obviously I need to start looking for a new job !

Without wanting to offend, you seem very emotionally immature.

I would recommend taking some time for yourself, by yourself.

LynnGrace

I'm not sure that there is anything further to be added to the advice you have already received. It seems a very drastic move to leave a job that you presumably like.
And what if, in the next job, there is someone to whom you are similarly attracted?

cloudatlas

Pelvis wrote: »

For the love of god don't tell your BF about this.. again. If I were him and my GF had to remind me from time to time that she has a crush on a guy she shares and office with, she would not be my girlfriend for very long. It's the ultimate head wreck.

I think her partner sounds very mature if I'm honest. There is a refreshing trust there and an acceptance that although they are together they realise that they are both sexual animals who if not act on their feelings look at other people.

Hannibal_Smith

Can I ask if your fiance told you he had a crush on a colleague, how would you react?

The guy in work is being kind to you. Full stop. You are turning it into an obsession. You need to look at why you're so invested in his kindness. If this is how you translate the kindness of someone you don't even find physically attractive, how would it be if you left your job and found another one with a person who ticked all the boxes, even physically.

Again, he's being kind because he's a nice guy. Nothing more.

Ursus Horribilis

LynnGrace wrote: »

I'm not sure that there is anything further to be added to the advice you have already received. It seems a very drastic move to leave a job that you presumably like.
And what if, in the next job, there is someone to whom you are similarly attracted?

This thought has crossed my mind too. I can't help but think this man is a symptom of a bigger issue. Either there is something lacking in your current relationship or there's something going on with yourself. By all means leave the job if you think it'll solve it. Just don't be surprised if this issue comes up again in the future.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I have been married for 15 years. In that time I have of course seen attractive men. I don't know if honestly I can say I have been attracted to anyone, but I can acknowledge an attractive man. I'm sure my husband has seen attractive women too, and thought they were attractive. I'm not a jealous person. I understand that there are millions of women more attractive than me in the world. I'm ok with that. But if I thought that my husband was half the weekend in bed, unable to function because of the strength of his feelings for another woman, and his distress over the fact that they could never be together then I most certainly wouldn't be ok with that.

Leaving your job because of these feelings seems like a "sticking plaster" solution. You're not actually really addressing the real issue, your just ignoring it and hoping nobody (your bf) will notice. Yes, people find other people attractive. But if your relationship is good enough and strong enough then that person is not going to be a threat to your relationship.

Your feelings for this person are so strong, that they are a threat to your job and your relationship. Strangely, you don't think these feelings are any threat to your relationship at all. As someone else mentioned what happens if your next job has someone who is also nice to you, and is a bit younger, and easy on the eye, and single?

LegacyUser

SameAs wrote: »

I can relate to this but I am the older man in my situation. There is a difference in that we are both single with no children. I still would never make a move cos of the big difference. I think about her all the time when im off work and it gets me down sometimes. Its weird cos I can usually take or leave people in general but Ive never met anyone like her before. Im thinking about leaving the job just like you are.

I'm sorry that you feel like that and completely understand how it gets you down . do you mind me asking how much older you are than her ?

LegacyUser

LynnGrace wrote: »

I'm not sure that there is anything further to be added to the advice you have already received. It seems a very drastic move to leave a job that you presumably like.
And what if, in the next job, there is someone to whom you are similarly attracted?

I have been in many jobs and this has never happened to be before .

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I have been married for 15 years. In that time I have of course seen attractive men. I don't know if honestly I can say I have been attracted to anyone, but I can acknowledge an attractive man. I'm sure my husband has seen attractive women too, and thought they were attractive. I'm not a jealous person. I understand that there are millions of women more attractive than me in the world. I'm ok with that. But if I thought that my husband was half the weekend in bed, unable to function because of the strength of his feelings for another woman, and his distress over the fact that they could never be together then I most certainly wouldn't be ok with that.

Leaving your job because of these feelings seems like a "sticking plaster" solution. You're not actually really addressing the real issue, your just ignoring it and hoping nobody (your bf) will notice. Yes, people find other people attractive. But if your relationship is good enough and strong enough then that person is not going to be a threat to your relationship.

Your feelings for this person are so strong, that they are a threat to your job and your relationship. Strangely, you don't think these feelings are any threat to your relationship at all. As someone else mentioned what happens if your next job has someone who is also nice to you, and is a bit younger, and easy on the eye, and single?

Hi sorry I can't reply to all the posts individually.

I have taken a bit of time out. I am feeling silly and unprofessional and afraid that people have noticed.

I have been reading up a lot on limeremce and I think it fits the picture.

What I can't figure out is why him. I can normally control my emotions and with him when my crush is in full flight I can't stop thinking about him and then feeling guilty over it and the cycle begins .

I really wonder if he notices .

I thought about saying it to him in a professional way and telling him I realise its just a crush and I picture him being horrified or shocked and I dont . I am not going to tell him .

Its not about my relationship because I would get a bit of male attention anyway from lads my own age and I just brush it off.

I can't explain it . I avoid men that show me attention . I'm not looking for someone else . I'm looking to get over this.

I m going to take the limerence idea on board and actually since I have accepted that it might be that it is helping me. I will even do a 12 step programme if I need to.

The thing that also crosses my mind is that this could be completely all in my head ....

I have never experienced this before . its was unhealthy when it got to the stage where I was down and in bed . I'm determined to fight it .

NinetyTwoTeam

I don't think people are being harsh saying you should leave your partner at all.

You should, for his sake. It's so close to cheating , basically cheating in all but the actual deed. I suspect he has no idea how strongly you are infatuated with this older man. I would say most people who actually DO cheat don't even feel that strongly about the person they cheat with!

You say you're partner has been very understanding, I find it hard to believe anyone would be cool with their partner having an all consuming obsession with a person they spend nearly every day with, all the while knowing the person is married with kids. IMO your comments about the Christmas party etc indicate you are not as averse to something happening with this man as you claim.

To act on this would mean breaking your partners heart, throwing away a good job, destroying the lives of your crush's wife, kids, damaging his career. To even be considering this is beyond irrational, it's outrageous. All because he's 'nice'?!

If your partner really knew how strong your feelings were and was understanding of it, the man would be a saint. And you say that being super nice is what attracts you to your boss. So by that logic you should be attracted to your partner!

So something doesn't add up here... Either you're not being honest with your partner, or you're not being honest about why you're attracted to this man.

If I was your partner and read what you've posted, I'd be devastated. And I wouldn't want you to continue carrying on as if you love me when I'm really a very very distant second. The only reason you're stringing him along is you're pretty sure your boss won't reciprocate due to being married, so you're selfishly keeping your partner tied down while you fantasize about some other bloke for days, weeks on end.

You should keep your job, let your partner go so he can find someone who loves him properly, don't act on your feelings towards your boss, and try to find someone single who makes you feel the way he does. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it's what makes the most sense. I don't think leaving your job will solve whatever issues are there, you'll just be adding unemployment on top of an irrational obsession. How do you plan to explain leaving this job to your partner and future employers?

doitlikeadude

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You can't help your feelings, as you've said. So what do you think will be different by January? And if it's cooled off by then, what's to stop it resurfacing again in March?

Maybe the OP is hoping something will be declared at the Xmas party as she has already mentioned being worried about this event but isn't saying she won't go?

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for replies.
I am not hoping some thing will happen at x mas party obviously. I dont want something to happen .
I am just aware of disasters that can happen at x mas parties with a lot of people and drink etc. I have heard the horror stories so would just be wary .
That's all .
I dont want to end my relationship. Reading up on linerence it is something that can happen to anyone and is most likely linked to childhood. So that's what I am going to WK on . I do not want to finish my relationship.

doitlikeadude

Stupidcrushonboss wrote: »

Hi thanks for replies.
I am not hoping some thing will happen at x mas party obviously. I dont want something to happen .
I am just aware of disasters that can happen at x mas parties with a lot of people and drink etc. I have heard the horror stories so would just be wary .
That's all .
I dont want to end my relationship. Reading up on linerence it is something that can happen to anyone and is most likely linked to childhood. So that's what I am going to WK on . I do not want to finish my relationship.

You've been reading up on limerence since you started this thread. It's not helping you I assume. Neither is anything else. To answer your original question. Yes just leave your job. It may save your relationship but who's to say if you do leave you won't fixate on someone else because clearly something is lacking in your relationship

LegacyUser

doitlikeadude wrote: »

You've been reading up on limerence since you started this thread. It's not helping you I assume. Neither is anything else. To answer your original question. Yes just leave your job. It may save your relationship but who's to say if you do leave you won't fixate on someone else because clearly something is lacking in your relationship

It is helping me since I started reading up on limerence as I am not thinking about it as much now and I can see it for what it is. A one sided crush .

I am just afraid of it coming back again as it has before so I'm keeping tabs on it .

I didnt choose for this to happen . I dont want something to happen . I am not a home wreaker .

padser

Stupidcrushonboss wrote: »

It is helping me since I started reading up on limerence as I am not thinking about it as much now and I can see it for what it is. A one sided crush .

I am just afraid of it coming back again as it has before so I'm keeping tabs on it .

I didnt choose for this to happen . I dont want something to happen . I am not a home wreaker .

Have you just considered acting on it? The "bang it out" solution so to speak?

If the feelings are this strong, maybe they mean something? Maybe it's meant to be? Maybe stop fighting it and see where it leads?

Best case scenario, maybe you end up in a happier place

Worst case scenario, you realise it's a mistake and can just try and put the whole episode behind you!

LegacyUser

padser wrote: »

Have you just considered acting on it? The "bang it out" solution so to speak?

If the feelings are this strong, maybe they mean something? Maybe it's meant to be? Maybe stop fighting it and see where it leads?

Best case scenario, maybe you end up in a happier place

Worst case scenario, you realise it's a mistake and can just try and put the whole episode behind you!

Hi thanks for your reply .

No I couldn't act on it . it is just wrong on so many levels. My partner, his wife and kids and on a profession level too it would be wrong . Even if we were both single the age difference would def raise eyebrows. Maybe in the next life ...... Best get over it for now ..I'm wking on it and its def helping. ...