Heard GF's phone w/ Tinder Bing

LegacyUser

Hi all

to cut a long story short, I was having dinner with my GF last night and heard her phone go off and it was identical to the sound of tinder. When I asked her if it was Tinder she said 'No I've never been on Tinder' and then 2 minutes later she went to the toilet for around 15 minutes.

Trusting relationship, had very few probs, but this was definitely the Tinder notification. She said it must be her emails but it's an iPhone - I have one too and my mail app doens't make that sound.

I don't want to be a bunny boiler but I feel like I want to ask her to show me the phone... not sure what I should do but want to handle this correctly or just let it go. Feeling very anxious today.

Thanks

tony1kenobi

1) You can change notification sounds on an iPhone

2) It was probably a big poo.

I'd not worry about it at all.

Lilmiss82

And how does one know what a tinder notification sounds like??

LegacyUser

Yep, but she said she doesn't know where the sound came from and didn't try to explain it. I know that she has cheated on guys in the past so a red flag was raised. We have just put an offer on a house so maybe I'm just going a bit mad.. ha!

I know what a Tinder noise sounds like... I was single all my life before I met this woman! LOL

chuckles30

So she could have the notification for her email using the same tone as Tinder (without even realising it) if she's never used Tinder. So she got an email, went to the loo and replied to the email while there - nothing unusual there.

If you still have doubts, find some reason to send her an email the next time you're with her and you'll hear how her email notification sounds....

AidanadiA

From having tinder on my phone it also sounds like twitter notifications, Instagram, snap chat and many other apps.

You could ask to see her phone, but it won't help your relationship. She will be aware of how little you trust her and when you see nothing there the next thought that will cross your mind is "did she just delete the app? "

You either trust her or you don't.

If you trust her just leave it be.

If you don't, log into tinder when she's near you set the miles or km's to 1-2 and have a look through. If she shows up she's on Tinder, if she doesn't you are now on tinder and can be called a hypocrite. It's up to you.

LegacyUser

OP_asdn wrote: »

Yep, but she said she doesn't know where the sound came from and didn't try to explain it.

Why would she try and explain it? If she was trying to hide she would have tired to explain it away as another app etc but she said she's not on tinder and left it at that.

My phone makes all sorts of sounds at me even though I try to turn notifications for everything, some apps make you change that when you do updates or in order to post pictures etc and you have to go back and manually change it back and the majority all sound pretty much the same.

OP_asdn wrote: »

I know that she has cheated on guys in the past so a red flag was raised.

So your claim of no trust issues in your OP wasn't exactly truthful. Either you trust her or you don't but best to make your mind up before you buy a house together.

LegacyUser

AidanadiA wrote: »

If you don't, log into tinder when she's near you set the miles or km's to 1-2 and have a look through. If she shows up she's on Tinder, if she doesn't you are now on tinder and can be called a hypocrite. It's up to you.

Guys, I think this was a moment of madness. I met her for lunch today (we work in the same company but different teams) and I apologised. I think just the fact that I'm commiting made me freak a bit... But at least it didn't go further and we didn't argue or whatever. Think we are back on track!
Thanks for all the responses

Lilmiss82

OP_asdn wrote: »

I know what a Tinder noise sounds like... I was single all my life before I met this woman! LOL

I know! I'm just kidding! I'd say it was innocent... surely if she was going behind your back she wouldn't be silly enough to leave her phone on loud so that you would hear it whilst in her company. :P

sozbox

tony1kenobi wrote: »

1) You can change notification sounds on an iPhone

2) It was probably a big poo.

I'd not worry about it at all.

You can for many apps but I don't see any option to change it for Tinder either in the app settings or the system settings.

OP, get a buddy who's on tinder to have a look. Especially if you're considering a mortgage with her.

leggo

Not sure if it's still possible, but up until very recently you could go into groups with friends you have from Facebook. That way you could easily check if someone you're friends with is on Tinder, as only Tinder users came up*. You could check off a really good friends phone, but only do so if you're 100% sure they won't tell anyone as it could be opening a can of worms if it got back.

*Random (and probably not reassuring) story: I once accidentally caught a girl I know out cheating on her fella on it, I told her assuming it was a mistake that she just hadn't deleted the app in case someone else saw and she broke down.

Ursus Horribilis

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this as some people are. She has a track record of cheating on guys you tell us. Has she really changed her spots?

Also I don't buy that notification excuse. Especially as she says it's an email. In my experience, the email notification sound on your phone only changes if you deliberately go into the settings menu of your phone. And who goes into the jacks for 15 minutes, big poo or not?

If it was me I'd be getting a trusted friend to watch Tinder and I'd certainly not be buying a house with her for now.

Rekop dog

I'm not buying the trusting part one bit. You've brought up her past indiscretions, if you we OK with this I doubt you would have mentioned it. Something tells me you spend a lot of time worrying about this. How do you know anyway, find out from somebody else or did she tell you?

Also what was her reaction to you asking you about the tinder message notification noise? It's actually quite the accusation to throw at someone you've been in a relationship with for a decent amount of time. Perhaps she was upset hence the extended toilet break.

Maybe you're right, maybe you're not, but what is for sure is you don't trust her and I'd be putting all house plans on hold until you sort this one way or the other.

Ursus Horribilis

OP_asdn wrote: »

Guys, I think this was a moment of madness. I met her for lunch today (we work in the same company but different teams) and I apologised. I think just the fact that I'm commiting made me freak a bit... But at least it didn't go further and we didn't argue or whatever. Think we are back on track!
Thanks for all the responses

Or maybe it's your gut screaming at you. Woman with track record of cheating suddenly has Tinder noise on her phone. Are you sure you want to commit to someone like this? Why did she cheat in the past and what makes you think she won't now?

Yellow pack crisps

Tinder thing is nonsense! Only buy a legally binding pain in the hole to get out off house with someone you completely trust and completely are committed too. If that's the case, congratulations and if not the case, well put it off until you figure it out.

Paddy Cow

OP_asdn wrote: »

Yep, but she said she doesn't know where the sound came from and didn't try to explain it. I know that she has cheated on guys in the past so a red flag was raised. We have just put an offer on a house so maybe I'm just going a bit mad.. ha!

I know what a Tinder noise sounds like... I was single all my life before I met this woman! LOL

Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is. A house is a huge commitment. Whether you want to admit it or not, you have trust issues. She has cheated on guys (not one guy) in the past and disappeared for 15 minutes after you are sure she gets a Tinder notification. Even if it was innocent, there is doubt in your mind. Get to the bottom of it or it will fester and become worse. Better to have an argument now and break up than commit and have to factor in a house.

Ursus Horribilis

I've never used Tinder so I had to visit YouTube to check what its alert sounds like. And I've got to say it's pretty distinctive. Unless your girlfriend happens to have installed a new app recently which uses the custom sounds created for Tinder, then I'd love to know what you think the alert was. When you spend time around someone and their smartphone, you get to know what their alerts sound like. Are you sure you aren't burying this under the carpet because you're afraid of going back to being eternally single again?

retro:electro

This thread is nuts.
Op says he thinks he heard Tinder notification
OP YOU ARE PARANOID CRAZY PERSON

OP admits he overreacted and things are now ok
OP THINGS ARE NOT OKAY SHE IS DEF CHEATING

I wouldn't assume she's cheating op just by the sound of a ding a ling. Don't judge her by past relationships. If she's never given you cause for concern before well that's a good sign.

Neon_Lights

There are sites you can use to check if you're SO is using tinder.

That and going to the toilet is a tad suspicious.

What resonates here is that you're about to buy a house with her, and she does have a track record according to you. Maybe hold off on the long term transactions.

It may be worthwhile finding out if she's satisfied? Does she want to experiment/swing? She could be meerly looking in the shop window but not buying or actively seeking.

Whether or not she's interested in seeing other men, the modern relationship can be as amorous and complex or simple and monogamous as you want.

The important question being what the appropriate course of action is based on this.

Us Irish are so awkward when it comes to putting it all out on the table. I think it's generally the best way to avoid getting hurt in an age of instant gratification.

Have a heart to heart, or piece it together, don't get aggressive, just try to find out what she wants.

Rekop dog

anna080 wrote: »

. Don't judge her by past relationships. If she's never given you cause for concern before well that's a good sign.

If a girlfriend told me she'd cheated on multiple previous bf's it probably wouldn't sit too well with me. I think even the most secure person would be a bit wary after hearing that. You'd want to be a bit egotistical or naive to think she'd change her standards of past for you. I'm sure the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't 100% true but I definitely believe someone who has cheated before is more likely to cheat in the future in comparison to a person who's never cheated. People are wired differently and some just have a looser moral compass than others. That in itself is cause for concern imo.

retro:electro

Rekop dog wrote: »

If a girlfriend told me she'd cheated on multiple previous bf's it probably wouldn't sit too well with me. I think even the most secure person would be a bit wary after hearing that. You'd want to be a bit egotistical or naive to think she'd change her standards of past for you. I'm sure the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't 100% true but I definitely believe someone who has cheated before is more likely to cheat in the future in comparison to a person who's never cheated. People are wired differently and some just have a looser moral compass than others. That in itself is cause for concern imo.

That's all true but I wouldn't assume they were cheating on me just from the sound of a bing either. Her past isn't great but she may have moved on and love the op.

Rekop dog

anna080 wrote: »

That's all true but I wouldn't assume they were cheating on me just from the sound of a bing either. Her past isn't great but she may have moved on and love the op.

I think OP is so hyper sensitive due to knowledge of her cheating in the past that he's probably overly paranoid to things like the notification noise. None of it points to a trustful relationship and can't see this ever changing knowing what he knows.

Ursus Horribilis

It's not just a sound of a random bing. Unless he has cloth ears he'll know the difference between an email, a text, a Candy Crush notification and A Tinder one.

Jurgen Klopp

I suppose if you wanted to find out for sure you could always setup a throwaway Facebook account and use it to check. Wait until she's in the house and lower the search parameter to the lowest whatever it is say a mile and adjust the age range and you shouldn't be too long finding out

Frankly the fact she's cheated in the past on not just one but numerous boyfriends does not make you in any way bad for having suspicions

LegacyUser

I would love to give your partner the benefit of doubt - but I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss this as innocent either. If you've been on Tinder for a long time - you know the sound instantly.

Im not sure if you can change the notification sound - but I'm pretty sure you can't use the tinder notification sound (easily) for another app.

My ex wife cheated on me about 2 years ago - she used to lock herself in the bathroom while texting the guy she cheated on me with.

Im not saying your partner is doing this - but as I read your post, it all seemed to sound familiar.

Only you know what to do here - only you know her.
Before committing to a mortgage together - do whatever you need to do to ensure she's not lying to you. Have a full and honest chat - if she has nothing to hide she would show you her phone without any hesitation.

Committing to a lifetime of debt and a mortgage with someone is enormous - and ties you together for a lot of your lives. Dont brush this under the carpet if you're having doubts.

leggo

Yeah sorry I'm with the people saying trust your gut here. You don't just blindly trust people, that's how you end up getting hurt. Trust is earned, so trust trustworthy actions.

The Apple apps and certain others have changeable ringtones based off the default list within the phone. The fact she said she didn't know what it was (it comes up on your screen when you get a notification, that's an easy solution) then disappeared is VERY untrustworthy. How would a trustworthy person act in that situation? They'd laugh at the suggestion and be like "no, that's my Mam texting me" then show it to allay their partner's concerns/prove them wrong, then might be a bit mad for the insinuation. OP's girlfriend got confused and defensive. The fact that the OP now feels like he went a bit mad is textbook gaslighting. You shouldn't feel like you're going insane just because you thought you heard something, it's something that could've been cleared up in seconds but wasn't for some reason...

I'm not saying act on this, you've no concrete evidence, but it's definitely worth looking more into and holding off the long term financial commitments.

LegacyUser

Some of the advice here is gold and I am looking at both sides of the coin and going to apply what I think I need. it's all dandy I suppose to dish out advice (which is why I came here) but the entire context and the various shades of grey here need to remind me to take it with a pinch of salt. The tone very much changed over two pages (and my mood) so I will see where I stand when I see her later today.

She cheated on boyfriends when she was 16/17... she's 35 now. Just as a side note!!!

I am going to talk to her again and I might just ask her to prove to me what the sound was or I'm delaying the offer on the house.

JeffKenna

87% chance that she is cheating on you when she has before.

I'd consider leaving the relationship.

LegacyUser

JeffKenna wrote: »

87% chance that she is cheating on you when she has before.

I'd consider leaving the relationship.

Can I ask, and I'm not being smart here, where did you get that stat?! I've cheated when I was younger but wouldn't do it again in a life time. Am I bound to that stat? Is she?

lifeandtimes

JeffKenna wrote: »

87% chance that she is cheating on you

Where did you get that figure from?

Neon_Lights

lifeandtimes wrote: »

Where did you get that figure from?

69 + 18 = 87

Virgil°

tony1kenobi wrote: »

1) You can change notification sounds on an iPhone

Yeah but who would actually bother to go to effort of doing this? Not most people i wager. And fewer still replacing a sound with the Tinder notification sound. For what reason? And why wasn't this her explanation? Should've been easy to allay his fears if she's that smartphone savvy.

Lilmiss82 wrote: »

And how does one know what a tinder notification sounds like??

Because its a distinctive sound and hes used the app before presumably? Possibly even to meet his current gf.

I'm with the skeptics here OP. If your gut is sending out warning signals don't ignore them. Are you sure it was the Tinder sound? I believe you can pay a few quid to a website(swipebuster i believe its called) to search users for your partner on it and see if she has it and when she was last on it. I'm not entirely sure how i feel about this solution, its a bit full on, though it's up to you. I mean she could be completely innocent and you just misheard or something.
But it might be the best few euro you've ever spent.

All the best OP.

SimpleDimples

OP_asdn wrote: »

She cheated on boyfriends when she was 16/17... she's 35 now. Just as a side note!!!

Are you seriously judging someone on something they did 20 years ago as a teenager?

I'm in my mid 30s and cheated on a boyfriend when I was 18 - only a kiss but once and only time every cheating. Would think anyone that that considers me as a high risk potential cheater needs their head examined!

Either way a relationship without trust means you shouldn't be in it!

Personally, I think you sound paranoid.

leggo

SimpleDimples wrote: »

Are you seriously judging someone on something they did 20 years ago as a teenager?

I'm in my mid 30s and cheated on a boyfriend when I was 18 - only a kiss but once and only time every cheating. Would think anyone that that considers me as a high risk potential cheater needs their head examined!

Either way a relationship without trust means you shouldn't be in it!

Personally, I think you sound paranoid.

I think you're taking that one quote very personally when it wasn't anything to do with you. I'm similar to you and cheated once at a very young age, knowing that I never want it to happen again (FWIW I fall short of saying "it'll never happen again" because that's the point: it's resisting temptation, not presuming, understanding that often cheating can happen and it can be a temporary error of judgement that has permanent effects, therefore it's a permanently conscious effort not to slip).

Having said that and knowing people can change, just because they can doesn't mean that they have. So I wouldn't not be with someone because they cheated when they were young, but I'd note it and judge them harsher than someone I believed never had if any corroborating evidence came into play, like it has now. The OP heard the Tinder ringtone. It's very distinctive, not easily confused. His partner didn't give any explanation, got defensive and disappeared. If that's not a good reason to be paranoid, I don't know what is. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not all out to get you!

SimpleDimples

leggo wrote: »

I think you're taking that one quote very personally when it wasn't anything to do with you.

Not taking it personally at all!! Just think it's laughable that someone is someone takes the actions of a teenager into account 20 years later. To me it's madness but each to their own. :-)

Ursus Horribilis

I was surprised that the cheating took place so long ago too. It doesn't really matter though. If it wasn't the Tinder notification on her phone, what was it?

...this was definitely the Tinder notification. She said it must be her emails but it's an iPhone - I have one too and my mail app doens't make that sound.

I don't own an iPhone but I am aware that changing the ringtones and notifications away from the ones Apple forces on you involves a lot of jumping through hoops. From what I can hear, most people don't bother but stick with the Apple ones. So if it wasn't the distinctive Tinder tone what was it? And why was she in the bathroom for 15 minutes not long after she got the notification?

LegacyUser

Hi all

thanks again for the replies - everything has been sorted.

I chatted to her last night about the situation. She handed me her phone and said to go through it as much as I wanted - obviously she has had ample time to change things if she wanted to. I went to her app store and saw that Tinder had been downloaded but it was a very old version from years ago which was in her app download history. I then remembered that we had downloaded it together when we just started going out so I could show her it. Completely forgot and we were both smashed.

The tinder app that was in her history is a version that was released when we had first started going out. If that was the tinder bing a few nights ago the app would be in her history as the latest version - it doesn't add up. All apps on her iPhone update automatically (I get the 'Facebook changed everything on me without me knowing' line a lot). The other apps in her App Store were all up to date. She still doesn't know what the sound was but has been on Adverts recently... she said maybe it was chiming over that but she thought it was a non-issue at the time and now can't figure it out. She said she'll leave her phone on loud today to see if it happens again but that there is nothing at all to worry about.

Thanks all - this issue is now sorted in my eyes and I'm going to move forward. As I said initially I do trust her but I think it's only fair that we all get a bit weird some times. I don't think that this is indicative of a inherent issue or means the end but a blip over a bing. Drawing a line and moving on.

MissShihTzu

Perhaps the Tinder thing is a sign of you having doubts? I dunno...

If she cheated with guys almost 20 years ago, I would not be too hung up about it. I think you personally are having doubts about buying this house. And I don't blame you - it's a huge commitment and risky enough if you're married, never mind if you are not. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, having been bitten in the arse buying a flat with a boyfriend, which went t1ts up fairly shortly after!

I would be putting off the house purchase until you sort out in your mind what's going on and what you want to do.

What I would also strongly advise you to do if you go ahead with the purchase, is to get some sort of legal agreement drawn up setting out who pays what and what happens if you split.

sozbox

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I was surprised that the cheating took place so long ago too. It doesn't really matter though. If it wasn't the Tinder notification on her phone, what was it?



I don't own an iPhone but I am aware that changing the ringtones and notifications away from the ones Apple forces on you involves a lot of jumping through hoops. From what I can hear, most people don't bother but stick with the Apple ones. So if it wasn't the distinctive Tinder tone what was it? And why was she in the bathroom for 15 minutes not long after she got the notification?

Tinder has its own distinctive notification sound. You can't use that sound for other apps on an iPhone. So if he heard it then he heard it and it's probably Tinder.

The house offer is probably making you have doubts and second guess the relationship but that's a good thing, you should be absolutely certain about her before getting into a 30 yr financial commitment.

The only way is to check Tinder, but she could have hidden her account by now due to your suspicions.

I'd advise having a heart to heart chat with her, the thing that bothers me about this isn't the sound the phone made but the context around it, the lack of explaining, the 15 min bathroom trip right after.

She should have been reassuring you not acting like she did.

rondog

Sounds fishy to me.After all the elapsed time its quite easy for her to erase any trace of tinder.The sound and the disappearance for 15 minutes don't add up.
Tread carefully OP,a split up when a house is involved is VERY messy.

LegacyUser

rondog wrote: »

Sounds fishy to me.After all the elapsed time its quite easy for her to erase any trace of tinder.The sound and the disappearance for 15 minutes don't add up.
Tread carefully OP,a split up when a house is involved is VERY messy.

Thanks, Rondog, but it would actually be impossible to go back in versions like that. How were all the other apps up to date but not that one? How can you uninstall specific versions of apps from an app store? If she had the tech knowledge to do that then she would have been able to rid it entirely from her history and not show me at all. She wouldn't have had the tech know how to do that... I'm trusting her. Don't believe there was anything fishy going on here.

Big Bag of Chips

If ALL the other Apps were updated and not that one, that's fishy, especially if she regularly claims that things just update automatically. My phone is Android, so I can't speak for iPhones, but I can go into my list of Apps and pick any one and "uninstall updates" which will return it to it's original version.

It sounds like she cleared all evidence, cookies, caches, whatever for Tinder and then have you free reign of the phone. You don't necessarily have to be tech-savvy. You just need to have needed to clear some space at some stage and it walks you through what to remove!

You heard the Tinder App. It might have been a Tinder notification from a long time ago. But the fact that she is still claiming innocence is fishy. Phones don't just Bing a notification. You also get a description of what notification you are getting. She's not being completely honest, for whatever reason. Maybe she hasn't cheated, but her stories aren't adding up either.

I know you want to believe her, and maybe you being suspicious is enough to now make her cop on. But I wouldn't be too quick to jump to "it's all sorted". I know you either accept it or not, and in the absence of any real proof it might be foolish to throw away an otherwise good relationship. But if it was me, I'd be more on my guard around her. And though I might let this one go, if I saw a pattern of unexplainable things happening I'd be less likely to just accept them at face value.

Ursus Horribilis

And further to BBOC's post, I'd be asking why a woman in a serious relationship would still have Tinder on her phone? It still sounds very fishy to me. She had plenty of time to get her ducks in a row before showing you your phone. I bet she has Tinder's notifications disabled and you won't hear another "bing" from that app

njs030

As BBOC says her apps update automatically that means ALL apps, they get pushed through from the app store it's not done when the user opens the app.
Was it her that told you that it was the opposite? Who "remembered" you downloaded it together out of interest?

The fact it's an old version means she has deliberately gone in and rolled it back, that's really strange behaviour. Someone innocent would have had an up to date app the same as every other one.

MissShihTzu

I don't think the OP will be back. He's got the answer he wants to hear...

Ursus Horribilis

Good luck with the house OP. You'll need it!

Bunny Colvin

I think it's crazy how some posters are dismissing this. I'd definitely be threading carefully OP.

1) You heard the Tinder notification, it's very distinct.
2) Her behaviour afterwards was strange.
3) The way she handed you the phone the next day sounds suspicious to me. Why didn't she offer to do it immediately? If she had nothing to hide then why wouldn't she.
4) SHE HAS PREVIOUS FOR CHEATING.

Look, if you're thinking of buying a home with this girl proceed with caution.

Ursus Horribilis

OP_asdn wrote: »

Thanks, Rondog, but it would actually be impossible to go back in versions like that. How were all the other apps up to date but not that one? How can you uninstall specific versions of apps from an app store? If she had the tech knowledge to do that then she would have been able to rid it entirely from her history and not show me at all. She wouldn't have had the tech know how to do that... I'm trusting her. Don't believe there was anything fishy going on here.

So how do you explain how Tinder never auto-updated on her phone? From my experience of owning an iPad and an Android phone, stopping something from auto-updating is nigh on impossible. It is possible to go back in versions.

So if she's in a serious relationship, why did she not uninstall Tinder from her phone?

Why did she go to the toilet for 15 minutes?

never_mind

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So how do you explain how Tinder never auto-updated on her phone? From my experience of owning an iPad and an Android phone, stopping something from auto-updating is nigh on impossible. It is possible to go back in versions.

So if she's in a serious relationship, why did she not uninstall Tinder from her phone?

Why did she go to the toilet for 15 minutes?

OP has explained this. The girl didn't have the app on the phone - I presume he meant it was in the cloud with a time stamp/ version code beside r stating it's last date of download. If it was on her phone recently it'd have been automatically a newer version which he has explained. I don't think you're following

Ursus Horribilis

So why did it "bing" if it wasn't on her phone?

never_mind

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So why did it "bing" if it wasn't on her phone?

OP has already said she doesn't know. The OH has already proved it couldn't have been that app - it's not possible to track back on versions on the iOS App Store. If it's on your phone it updates automatically. As it's an old version in the cloud (not her actual phone) it means it hasn't been on it since the date they downloaded it together. She could be on other apps who knows.. it wasn't tinder imo