26 and missing out on concerts, festivals, and life in general.

LegacyUser

With Electric Picnic coming up and seeing so many excited social media updates from people going to it, I can't help but feel once again terrible about how I live my life and how pathetic my social life is.

I just feel like life has slipped away from me over the ages of 20-25. Instead of things improving for me, I'm missing out on more events each year due to my lack of friends.

I have only been to one proper music festival in my life, which was Oxegen 2010. It lashed rain and our tent was crap, so it wasn't the most enjoyable experience sleeping there, but the craic and music were enjoyable. That was with my ex-girlfriend and her friends, though. I'm sure most people have been to multiple ones because they had the option, they have the social life.

Since then, I can count the music events I've gone to on one hand:

One during 2012, with one of my only friends.
Two in 2013, the first with my best friend and the second with my two other friends.

Everyone else has big groups of friends they can go to festivals or concerts with and I just feel horrible without having the basic same level of fun in my life as everyone else. I'd wager most people who like music, which is nearly everyone, have gone to numerous music festivals and lots of concerts with all their many friends.

My current friends have drifted to being acquaintances really because they have girlfriends and they rarely do anything that doesn't involve their partners besides come out for drinks once every few months.

I just feel isolated and kind of terrible that I've let my life become so lonely. I've always been the quiet introvert type. But it's utterly pathetic to not have 4 or 5 people in my phone I can call and say "hey, do you want to go to this festival?" like everyone else does. I don't even know enough people to play my favorite sport football with, so I don't play it.

Large swathes of my life have been spent unable to do fun things or have fun because my social circle is so small.

I guess I'm just looking for input on my problems and any advice at all would be nice. Seems like friendship groups that do these things together need to be built over years in school, college, work. Time has already ran out for me in that case.

LLMMLL

Do you really believe that "everyone" has lots of friends and goes to music festivals all the time? They don't.

If you truly are a classic introvert you probably wouldn't find 3 days hanging out with a big group of people all that fun anyway.

Seems to me you have 2 issues. 1: not happy with current social life. 2: have an unrealistic perspective that other people have amazing social lives and that your life is somehow already over, fuelled by social media use.

retro:electro

How you have described festivals there is how most people experience festivals. Covered in mud and crap, pissing rain, drinks spilled all over you and general grubbiness. But we stick it out for the craic, which you had. I've actually only ever been to one festival myself op, and know plenty of people who have never been. So you're misinformed if you think most people are hot footing it cross country going to all these amazing gigs. For most people, every day life is a mundane slog, with the occasional great night out or fun event thrown in.

Do you find yourself checking social media a lot and comparing yourself?
People only ever put their best face forward on social media and the life you see represented there shouldn't be confused with real life.
Do you have any people at work who you could meet up and go for drinks with and build something with from there? Also, it's never too late to get back in touch with old friends.

dobman88

Sounds like a dose of FOMO imo. You're not missing out on anything, you're just afraid you are.

Vojera

You have to remember that social media is just the "highlights" reel of anyone's life: you only see the good parts, the fun concerts, the nights out, the days at the beach. It doesn't show you what someone's life is really like and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

It's becoming more and more common these days for people to feel low about themselves because they're comparing their day-to-day lives with these edited highlights of other people's days. And the first thing for you to do is to stop it. Stop comparing yourself to other people, stop poring over their instagram/fb/snapchat accounts and thinking how great their lives are. Consider taking a break from social media completely if you need to.

Your biggest problem seems to be that you are lonely. You say you want a bigger circle of friends, but what about the friends you have? Are they good friends? I would rather have three good friends than ten acquaintances. It's not about the number of friends but the quality of friendship. Adding ten acquaintances/drinking buddies isn't going to solve your problem, imo, because those aren't good connections.

Also, these events aren't going to fall in your lap. If you want to go to things, the best thing is to start organising trips yourself. Why can't you ask your friends to go to festivals? They might say no, but they might say yes! Ask them to the cinema, out for drinks, to go on a walk, whatever you fancy. Or see if there's a local 5-a-side you can join to meet more people and enjoy your football. Being more proactive will help you feel more in control of your life and hopefully you'll start to feel more positive about things.

Permabear

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missvicky

Op, I'm 29 and have never gone to a festival and have only gone to a handful of gigs. I also have a small circle of friends,non of which are from school or college, that I would meet up with every couple of weeks. That's just how life goes sometimes. What you see on social media is people putting their best face forward, you don't see what goes on behind the scenes.
Don't be too hard on yourself, your really not missing out on life at all.

zoobizoo

LLMMLL wrote: »

Do you really believe that "everyone" has lots of friends and goes to music festivals all the time? They don't.

If you truly are a classic introvert you probably wouldn't find 3 days hanging out with a big group of people all that fun anyway.

Seems to me you have 2 issues. 1: not happy with current social life. 2: have an unrealistic perspective that other people have amazing social lives and that your life is somehow already over, fuelled by social media use.

This sums it up.

No one has a big group of good friends.... it doesn't happen.

The only time I had a "big group of friends" was when I joined a club and for the first few months, everyone got on..... then, like in any situation, you realise that you get on with some people more than others, there are people who you don't like, there are people who annoy you, you sleep with a couple and in the end you hang out with those who you like...

Like work pals, in my 25 years in employment, I have made 2 good friends. And I've worked in a lot of places.

Hanging around in groups is a pain in the hoop... hanging around with a couple of people you have fun with is a pleasure.

Have you ever been on a stag with more than 8 lads? You end up in bland places to suit the bland people rather than doing what you want to do.


I hear you regarding friends with gfs - particularly at your age. My friends all disappeared.

And, having friends who don't do things or plan things certainly doesn't help.

Find people who are active and do stuff... because you can't motivate lazy friends

baby and crumble

Do you actually want to go to music festivals? Personally I hate them and I've been to one- I lasted all of one night and I had to leave, I was bored out of my tree and so annoyed because I couldn't sleep. I have 2 friends who actually like them (and they'll happily go on their own because they enjoy them so much), everyone else has gone to a couple "for the craic" and ended up being miserable.

There's also zero wrong with going to events on your own. That's how you meet people.

Once you get past college you really have to make an effort to make friends and keep them. Find something you're interested in and join a group to meet new people. I've met some of my very good friends recently by indulging in two hobbies I wanted to try. You say you've no-one to play football with- there are tons and tons of groups of lads and mixed gender groups playing football and tag rugby etc every week.

jacksie66

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Wanderer78

I'm introverted but that hasn't stopped me from experiencing many concerts, traveling and what not on my own. Get out there and live it op. Best of luck

Airyfairy12

You can't honestly believe that everyone has gone to music festivals and has 4/5 people to ring up whenever and expect them to go to events. Ive been to one music festival in my life and it was enough to put me off them. Thousands of people, mud, rain, cold, hour long queues for gross toilets, the cost of the tickets then the rip off prices of food and drink at the festival, losing your friends, drunk people, people p!ssing right in clear view. Its sh!te imo, anyway youve been to concerts and gigs. Probably more than most.
If you want to go then go by yourself or do what allot of people do and sign up to volunteer at a festival you'll not only get in for free but you'll meet others that are there by themselves too.
Your friends dont like to play football with you? So join a football team or club.
I get a sense from you that youre resentful towards your friends for not doing what youre interested in and for settling down in relationships, the only one responsible for your social life is you, you need to expand your social circle yourself rather than waiting for others to do it for you.
You seem to think you have worse than most people. Lose the woe is me attitude, it wont help you.

I'm in my 30s and have been to only one festival. I've only been to a handful of big concerts. And I most certainly don't think I'm missing out on much.

Look into meetup.com and join some of the groups there.

missmatty

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Ive been to one music festival in my life and it was enough to put me off them. Thousands of people, mud, rain, cold, hour long queues for gross toilets, the cost of the tickets then the rip off prices of food and drink at the festival, losing your friends, drunk people, people p!ssing right in clear view.

Agree, went to Oxegen once around 2009 and it put me off them for life, doesn't appeal to me at all.

zoobizoo

It's about the OP people, not whether or not you like to go to festivals .....


OP, I would have thought the same as you prior to taking up my hobby .

I was in my early to mid 30s and friends from home were all a bit boring....

I tried arranging weekends away - never happened. Tried to get them to go to gigs - never happened. So I reached out to some 'looser' friends, people I wouldn't necessarily arrange to meet up with but with whom I got on well.

Lo and behold, went away for a couple of weekends doing this adventure sport and ended up meeting people through that, people who I still hang out with. Active people are more likely to be involved in more activities or are more open to new things and are more open to meeting new people.

So you're far from late when it comes to making friends.

There are also people I've made friends with in the last 10 years who I'd rather meet up than some of my old school friends....

Airyfairy12

zoobizoo wrote: »

It's about the OP people, not whether or not you like to go to festivals .....

I think people are trying to emphasize that not everyone goes to festivals or gigs for lots of different reasons, as the OP thinks they do..

witchgirl26

OP I'm 32 and have never been to a music festival. And any concerts I've been to have mainly been with 1 particular friend and my sister. I don't have a large group that I can call to go to things but that doesn't make it a bad thing.

I get the fear that you're missing out on something but as much as the media go on about festivals, they are not the be all and end all. If you really want to go, you could look at getting work at one of them - I know a couple of people who did that as they didn't have people to go with. Made a few friends at it, got to see a few acts, got a tent and paid.

Time has not run out for you at all so don't be thinking that. I have a few friends from school/college/work but one of my biggest social circles now is through my hobby which is choir. I joined by myself not knowing a single person there and in 4 years have travelled with them, had nights out etc. I would be quite shy with people initially so get that it's intimidating to join a group but there's probably others there feeling the exact same.

If you really like football maybe look into some of the 5-a-side groups and see if you can join. I know from friends that there's usually teams looking for extra players. You know you'll already have one thing in common with them at least if you go for something like that.

Wrongway1985

Been to maybe dozens of festivals (all abroad) some friends have went the odd years but I'd have one a year did perhaps 2 festivals on my own. I've met people from all over the world, since I've met up with them for a festival(s) or other events the following years sure noone from my hometown might not be there but I've gone with the familiar faces I'd gladly share a laugh with or see a show with again.

Gigs...couldn't even count the amount I've gone to alone tbh heaps, as you know a number of your fave acts touring schedule doesn't fit yours, you might sacrifice a day owed in work to see someone on a cold Tuesday night in November but a friend only half fussed about X band? Not bloody likely I'd have thought!! Go on your own or miss out simple as.

Football; you have any acquaintance a cousin or a friend of a friend something like that?, Say you're always looking for a game and could they you shoot a text if looking for numbers.

Is the main issue OP missing events that appear to be done as part of a social group or actually having to increase social contacts? The ship certainly hasn't sailed I like others talk more so to people I've met in the last 5 years than in school/college, strange you lob work in with school/college that's obviously ongoing is there not a lot of turnover there?

sashafierce

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Ursus Horribilis

This isn't about Electric Picnic, is it? Or indeed any other music festival. You're lonely, your friends have drifted and you've come to the conclusion that the norm is to have a large group of friends.

I'm afraid your only solution is to try harder to meet new people. If you're an introvert it's going to be harder. It's still doable though. If you're invited to anything, go. Join a sports club if that's your thing. Take up a new hobby that involves other people, look and see is there anything of interest on meetup.com. Call up your existing friends and don't let those friendships drift any further.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This isn't about Electric Picnic, is it? Or indeed any other music festival. You're lonely, your friends have drifted and you've come to the conclusion that the norm is to have a large group of friends.

My issue is about electric picnic, football, nights out, pub quizzes, pretty much everything fun that other adults seem to have no problem doing because they have the friends to do these things. Could many other people really say that if they were interested in going to a pub quiz, for example, they would struggle to find 3 people to come along with them and form a team?

Loneliness, of course, is the underlying issue. That was the main motivator behind my post. But at 26, it is difficult to look forward instead of back, which also plays a huge role in feeling stuck.

As I've alluded to, my idea, based not only from social media or some random thoughts plucked from my mind, but from what I see around me in the world, is that most people don't have these issues socially. They have the friends to do things, they've lived the normal life.

I do keep in contact with my current friends. One friend will often go for a walk or a coffee with me, but I feel like I'm still severely lacking options. A walk or a coffee with one friend every so often is just not the same level of sociability and variety of friends that everyone else has.

Again, I feel stuck in my predicament because my thoughts are mostly about what I've missed out on in life compared to everyone else.

Bigbagofcans

missingoutonlife wrote: »

But it's utterly pathetic to not have 4 or 5 people in my phone I can call and say "hey, do you want to go to this festival?" like everyone else does. I don't even know enough people to play my favorite sport football with, so I don't play it.

You're far from the only one.
I don't have 4 or 5 people in my phone who I could ring up and they'd come to a festival with me.

I suggest you look at the Meet Up website. They have lots of people looking to go to gigs and festivals together.
I see there's an Electric Picnic forum on it with people arranging to meet up as they are all going on their own.

Ursus Horribilis

I forgot to say in my post that Electric Picnic seems to have become a lightning rod for your unhappiness and has made you take stock. It has also served as a distraction for some people I think. If you want to go to a festival that badly, then just go.

You have been given good advice here by people. I'm afraid the only person who can help you is you. You are in danger of wallowing in self-pity and what good is that going to do? You have three choices as far as I can see

1. You accept that you're never going to be the sort of person who has loads of friends and make your peace with that. (There are more people than you think, by the way, who are lonely and don't have anyone to go for a coffee with)

2. You make the effort to meet new people and make more friends.

3. You sit home, wallow in self-pity and feel like crap next year when Electric Picnic comes around.

Which do you want?

Airyfairy12

missingoutonlife wrote: »

My issue is about electric picnic, football, nights out, pub quizzes, pretty much everything fun that other adults seem to have no problem doing because they have the friends to do these things. Could many other people really say that if they were interested in going to a pub quiz, for example, they would struggle to find 3 people to come along with them and form a team?

I would definitely struggle to get 3 people to go with me to a pub quiz. People are busy and/or just not bothered.

I know the groups of friends you're talking about but in most cases these groups aren't really 'friends' they're just drinking buddies and have no depth or substance to their friendships. Ive had friends like this in the past and when something went wrong in my life they weren't there for me at all.
Generally with these groups there's one or two people that are the glue that holds the group together, as soon as one of the main people leaves the group for whatever reason they generally all stop hanging out or go their separate ways.

If youre introverted it's going to be much harder to build friendships with these sorts of people who are more often than not very extroverted, drink 4+ nights a week and dont really hang out one on one especially not without the involvement of alcohol.

LLMMLL

Well if you basically only see one person once a month as a friend then yes most people would not be happy with that. But you still need to get rid of the idea that "everyone" (which you said again in your last post) has loads of friends who will go to any random event at the drop of a hat. Honestly, I'd say those people are in a minority. I have enough friends to make up a pub quiz table but I don't think one of them would be interested. None of my friends like the same kind of music so would struggle to get someone to come to a concert.

I know 2 people who would have very seemingly enviable social lives. One is severely depressed and at the end of the night when the drink starts to wear off becomes completely monosyllabic and miserable. His Instagram looks like he's having the time of his life. Thousands of followers telling him how wonderful he is. The other is a friend of a friend and is constantly too busy to meet up with my friend as he's at festivals, ski holidays etc. But whenever something goes wrong he goes straight to my friend because all his fun festival friends don't really have any interest in the bad parts of his life.

I'm not saying that all people who seem to have good social lives are miserable. But don't assume that they all have great lives. Focus on your own.

LegacyUser

I've done plenty of things in life but they've all been alone.

Traveled alone on the typical backbacking trip to southeast Asia in 2013: enjoyed it but spent most of my time alone there. I just seem to have an aversion to meeting people and my life has badly stagnated over the last couple of years. Can't seem to push myself to attend meetup events without alcohol, I've even looked into football groups and they seem too challenging for me. Probably have a bit of social anxiety and coupled with my natural introverted tendencies, I'm just a much lonelier person than most other people who always seem to have something going on in their lives. The reason I compare myself to other is because I've nobody else to compare with: I just want to have a normal fun social life. But my personality and my shyness are ruining that and after 26 years on earth if it hasn't improved, it never will.

zoobizoo

missingoutonlife wrote: »

that and after 26 years on earth if it hasn't improved, it never will.

There's nothing wrong with having a pint or two before going to a Meet Up if it enables you to meet new people.

At 22/23 I was like you.

There are two books I'd recommend you buy...

The Feeling Good Handbook and
Feel the Fear and Do it anyway

By putting myself out there and knowing if be fearful but telling myself "I can handle what ever come up" I helped myself through it.

I started my own business which forced me to deal with hundreds of people every month and with each small interaction I learned how to get on with people I didn't know.

You will learn through doing

Hollister11

I'll be honest. I'm 21, have a group of friends, go out often enough. But i have 0 interest in going to a festival.

My friends were considering it, but none of us really care enough to go. Some people go because they enjoy, and some feel they have to be SEEN there. If you have an interest go, but your not missing out on anything.

Bambi985

Would you think about doing a bit of counselling for a few months OP? It's pretty clear this isn't about going to Electric Picnic with a bunch of mates but it's about some deep-seated habits that you feel are holding you back from meeting people and having a happy social life.

As a first port of call I'd call time on your social media accounts if I were you. Delete the apps from your phone and stop logging in regularly. It's pretty well documented that these things contribute to people's insecurities and self-esteem and they shouldn't be used as a barometer for how "happy" a person is at all. As others have outlined, some of the most popular people on facebook can also be the most depressed, insecure, lonely, you name it. The one upmanship of it all prevent people from being honest or dealing with their issues most of the time.

And secondly do a bit of research and see if you can find a good therapist in your local area, perhaps someone who specialises in social anxiety. There's nothing wrong with not having a large social circle - I can list my total number of good friends on one hand and I'd struggle to round up people to attend any social event but I'd still consider myself happy and sociable with enough outlets to keep me comfortable and content with my life. Any facebook activity you'd see on my profile would be sparse and would usually be when I've been tagged in a social event with a bunch of people I barely know - such is the nature of these things. They'll look like my good friends despite the fact that in most cases we'd see each other every few years at most and I could barely tell you their last name. Take social media with a pinch of salt!

As somebody who wholeheartedly adores his decidedly pathetic social life, op, I could take umbrage!

Being alone and being lonely are two vastly distinct concepts, and the only time I've felt lonely has been in groups. I've never felt lonely on my own. Are you mistakenly equating being in a group with not being lonely?

I think if you build up your strengths and abilities - e.g. if you like a sport/language/instrument etc put loads of effort into it - you will have more confidence in yourself and that will be attractive. The very, very, very last thing you want to be is needy/clingy as that makes people stay far away. People have enough going on without taking on that emotional pressure.

As said already Meet-Up can be good. I used it for a while for a language meet-up. There are also loads of hillwalking groups that could balance companionship with improving physical/mental health. You decide your interests and look for people who share them.

Rigor Mortis

You can take this as further proof of your plight or an encouragement to do something about it.
I'm 43,writing this in a tent in Stradbally. Around me are 4 tents with people I've met in the last three years. Ironically the nucleus of the group was someone not here, who I met at an old oxegen message board meet up.
Life hasn't past up by until you let it. If you're not great at making friends then you may have to work it harder than some. The key to making friends or at least strong acquaintances is to listen to people and sickened occasionally to.do something nice that goes out of your way for them.
Good luck Anne finally never use age as an excuse.

GalwayGrrrrrl

OP - you need to make a plan to meet new people. What skills do you have? What would you like to learn? As you seem to like music is there a local music group/band/choir that you can join? Maybe to learn some new music (group drumming is popular and fun). Look for a local music festival/arts festival and volunteer- you'll meet lots of new people.
If you are good with computers volunteer with Coder Dojo to teach youngsters. Like fitness, help out at Parkrun. Enjoy the outdoors? Scouts always need helpers. These are just a few things off the top of my head but it shows there are ways to gently push yourself out of your comfort zone and widen your social circle. Joining a local choir helped me hugely. We meet often for social events, go to concerts, drinks, shows etc.

Wompa1

missingoutonlife wrote: »

I've done plenty of things in life but they've all been alone.

Traveled alone on the typical backbacking trip to southeast Asia

I think you think other people are having much more fun and glamorous lives than they are. Don't believe what you see people post on Facebook or brag about. It's all for show. I didn't know know there was such thing as the typical backpackging trip to southeast Asia...not everybody gets to do that...

Anyway, you are the only one who can change your life. I advice against trying to find people to become co-dependent on...

jsms88

You're not alone OP. I'm 29 and in the very same position as you. If i wanted to go to something like electric picnic, I wouldn't have 4-5 friends who I could go with either. I'm shy and it takes me a long time to get comfortable with new people so making friends can be tough. I've gotten better at it in recent years but as I said, it's still a problem. It's just the way it is.

The main thing I can say to you is that there are lots of people in the same boat. Everybody else is not having the fantastic social life you think they are. Some might be but certainly not all (or even most).

AidanadiA

I think you get out what you put in.

I wouldn't have loads of friends and out of the few I do have to get them to hang out together to do a pub quiz, you must be laughing! But I have gone along to pub quizzes with a gang f people I didn't know (I only knew one person there).
I've gone to Scotland with a gang of girls and only knew my cousin.

Unless you go and join groups, go to events and make an effort it isn't going to fall into your lap.

If it helps I've never once gone to a festival like EP or longitude even though I've always wanted too. Other things are more import than spending the money on a ticket, bills, food on the table, roof over my head.

There are great get together groups on that you can join getout.ie etc.

Neon_Lights

I'm the same age in a similar predicament OP, the GF and I have decided to go travelling to Oz to plug this gap. Be abundant in terms of new experiences, places and generally escaping the drudgery and begrudgery of Ireland. Don't let anyone hold you back from doing what you want to do.

The way I see of it with friends, everyone's priorities change. Only a few you meet will basically make it like it's been yesterday since you've met. These are the true friends.

Fozzydog3

Get a couple off days off work and get a bnb down the country if you are careful with money you could easily do it under 100 euro if you were smart with your money.

If your social life is as you say, you might aswell get comfortable in your own company. And there's nothing wrong with that.