Promiscuous behaviour and feelings of shame

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm female in my 30s.

I'll try to keep this straightforward. I'll ask please you don't judge too harshly as i'm really struggling with this and my self esteem is at rock bottom. I recently have kissed a guy I know and gone a bit further on a couple of drunken occasions. Thing is he has a gf. They are having problems. When it first happened I was recently out of the worst breakup of my life and wasn't at my best. The guilt and shame is eating me up as I have never carried on with someone elses bf like this. I have known this guy most of my life. His family knows my family etc. I think my mum suspects.

I went out and got seriously drunk a week ago and ended up going home with a guy(we didn't sleep together) and we all went to the pub the next day and I really hit it off with him. He then tells me he has a gf. He has messaged me a few times since saying I hope he doesn't think he's a d*****d. Thanks for being so lovely and so kind. He said he'd like to even meet as friends. I should not even have responded to him I know.

That same weekend I ended up sleeping with an ex, and feel physically sick at the thoughts. I just went on a path of self destructive behaviour that weekend, I had a huge fight with my mum who said terrible things to me, like i'm a horrible person and that she was going to tear my head off. My relationship with her is troubled to say the least, she's has narcissistic tendencies and severe addiction issues. She is very abusive towards me and makes horrible remarks all the time. My ex knows the back story and thinks I only go on these drinking binges when she's upset me. I think I went back to his rather than go home. I barely knew my own name, so had to ask him if we slept together.

I have always tried to be a good person and look out for other people all the time. I just feel like absolute rock bottom and cannot believe my behaviour. I'd be ashamed of my life of people knowing and have a younger sibling who I want to be a role model for. I don't know how to deal with these feelings of guilt and shame. I feel like my reputation has been tarnished.

Emme

Shamefulfeelings wrote: »

Hi,

I'm female in my 30s.

I'll try to keep this straightforward. I'll ask please you don't judge too harshly as i'm really struggling with this and my self esteem is at rock bottom. I recently have kissed a guy I know and gone a bit further on a couple of drunken occasions. Thing is he has a gf. They are having problems. When it first happened I was recently out of the worst breakup of my life and wasn't at my best. The guilt and shame is eating me up as I have never carried on with someone elses bf like this. I have known this guy most of my life. His family knows my family etc. I think my mum suspects.

I went out and got seriously drunk a week ago and ended up going home with a guy(we didn't sleep together) and we all went to the pub the next day and I really hit it off with him. He then tells me he has a gf. He has messaged me a few times since saying I hope he doesn't think he's a d*****d. Thanks for being so lovely and so kind. He said he'd like to even meet as friends. I should not even have responded to him I know.

That same weekend I ended up sleeping with an ex, and feel physically sick at the thoughts. I just went on a path of self destructive behaviour that weekend, I had a huge fight with my mum who said terrible things to me, like i'm a horrible person and that she was going to tear my head off. My relationship with her is troubled to say the least, she's has narcissistic tendencies and severe addiction issues. She is very abusive towards me and makes horrible remarks all the time. My ex knows the back story and thinks I only go on these drinking binges when she's upset me. I think I went back to his rather than go home. I barely knew my own name, so had to ask him if we slept together.

I have always tried to be a good person and look out for other people all the time. I just feel like absolute rock bottom and cannot believe my behaviour. I'd be ashamed of my life of people knowing and have a younger sibling who I want to be a role model for. I don't know how to deal with these feelings of guilt and shame. I feel like my reputation has been tarnished.

OP your promiscuous behaviour could be away of acting out over your troubled family background (drinking binges etc). You are currently attracting emotionally abusive men which is common when you have been emotionally abused by your family. Try to get some counselling and if possible move away from home. If necessary contact Alcoholics Anonymous. Stay away from men for a few months until you get yourself into a better place emotionally.

Bambi985

Relax woman. If getting drunk and having sex with an ex or kissing a fella who subsequently turned out to be an arsehole is the worst thing you do in life, then you're doing well!

What stuck out for me here is the toxic relationship with your mother and the nasty break-up that both seemed to have massively hit your self-esteem. If you're honest with yourself I don't think you would have found yourself in either of these situations if your self-confidence was in tact.

So the question now is what can you do to prevent this kind of self-destructive behaviour from happening again? I'd suggest starting with a good counsellor who you can talk to about these issues and begin to see through the haze. Would you be willing to talk to someone about it? I think that would be a great start for you as obviously there's a lot to deal with.

Second step would be blocking Mr I Have a Girlfriend and cutting all contact with your ex. No need to engage with them about any of this - it's clear they don't have anything but trouble and more pain to offer you. Is there a friend or family member you can confide in too? I've found that especially with break-ups, you can stop thinking straight and start internalising things to the detriment of your own self-esteem, and sometimes hearing a good friend spelling things out for you and telling you that you're great can make a world of difference.

Stop beating yourself up though. You haven't committed any crime or killed anyone!

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP your promiscuous behaviour could be away of acting out over your troubled family background (drinking binges etc). You are currently attracting emotionally abusive men which is common when you have been emotionally abused by your family. Try to get some counselling and if possible move away from home. If necessary contact Alcoholics Anonymous. Stay away from men for a few months until you get yourself into a better place emotionally.

Hi,

Thank you for your response. I don't actually live at home and this day next week i'm flying to NZ. I was just down at home for a few days with some family stuff going on. I know my relationship with alcohol has become quite unhealthy not sure if I would consider myself an alcoholic, I could easily go a month or two without drinking or just go out for one or two. I am only back in Ireland a year and a half and then broke up with my partner who was Australian. My relationship with my family has just diminshed no end. My own brother told me "i'm in bits" compared to us, us being him and my other sister, meaning "I don't look good" or attractive. My mother has called me a slapper and my brother called me a hoor, because I was seeing a guy and because I have male friends. I'm raging my mother knows because I think I heard her gossiping about it to my sister and I feel like she would love to see me fall flat on my face, or to fall from grace.

LegacyUser

Bambi985 wrote: »

Relax woman. If getting drunk and having sex with an ex or kissing a fella who subsequently turned out to be an arsehole is the worst thing you do in life, then you're doing well!

What stuck out for me here is the toxic relationship with your mother and the nasty break-up that both seemed to have massively hit your self-esteem. If you're honest with yourself I don't think you would have found yourself in either of these situations if your self-confidence was in tact.

So the question now is what can you do to prevent this kind of self-destructive behaviour from happening again? I'd suggest starting with a good counsellor who you can talk to about these issues and begin to see through the haze. Would you be willing to talk to someone about it? I think that would be a great start for you as obviously there's a lot to deal with.

Second step would be blocking Mr I Have a Girlfriend and cutting all contact with your ex. No need to engage with them about any of this - it's clear they don't have anything but trouble and more pain to offer you. Is there a friend or family member you can confide in too? I've found that especially with break-ups, you can stop thinking straight and start internalising things to the detriment of your own self-esteem, and sometimes hearing a good friend spelling things out for you and telling you that you're great can make a world of difference.

Stop beating yourself up though. You haven't committed any crime or killed anyone!

Thank you. I just feel so low about it all. I want my sister to be able to look up to me. I have been seeing a counsellor for the past year, she actually was reduced to tears in a session because things are so horrible. I originally started seeing her about the break up but barely got time to spend on that, because of all the **** with my family.

I don't really have a family member I can confide in about this, but one of my best friends is in Australia who i'm going to see next week. My family aren't too interested in this break up. They just call him "your man". They are quite fixated with an ex of mine who can do no wrong in their eyes, because well now he's a pilot for one. They tell me I might regret it. But I knew he wasn't right for me and didn't support me in the way I wanted or needed.

LegacyUser

I've read it more than once and I'm still struggling to find the promiscuity in your OP. Even the most judgemental of curtain twitchers couldn't call that promiscuity. You have some problems at home and acted out a little, that's really, really nothing to be ashamed of and at a guess I would reckon at least 75% of people have done some or other version of that (drink, drugs, sex, creating drama, looking for attention, all in very mild forms such as yours), maybe more. An unfortunate few go on to turn them into patterns and addictions, but no sign that you're one of them. Relax and go easy on yourself, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and you're already well on the way to recognising the origin of your problem and getting a handle on it.

C3PO

To be honest OP .. if I were you I'd be more concerned about your drinking than your promiscuous behaviour!

LegacyUser

C3PO wrote: »

To be honest OP .. if I were you I'd be more concerned about your drinking than your promiscuous behaviour!

Yeah, I hear ye

charlietheminxx

OP am I correct in thinking you live with your mother? You need to leave, living with her if she's abusive is going to be detrimental to you. It sounds like a lot of what you're doing is escapism.

LegacyUser

charlietheminxx wrote: »

OP am I correct in thinking you live with your mother? You need to leave, living with her if she's abusive is going to be detrimental to you. It sounds like a lot of what you're doing is escapism.

No I don't live with her. Left at 18, stayed when I returned from Australia for a short amount of time, which was horrific. Never again. I just go down when there's something on etc, to visit.

Emme

OP by the sounds of things you need to spend as little time as possible around your family. Try to cut them out completely if you can. They are not helping.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP by the sounds of things you need to spend as little time as possible around your family. Try to cut them out completely if you can. They are not helping.

That's what my counsellor said, which is breaking my heart. But I think it's either that or end up having a nervous breakdown.

Emme

Shamefulfeelings wrote: »

That's what my counsellor said, which is breaking my heart. But I think it's either that or end up having a nervous breakdown.

Were you better when you lived in Australia and you never had to see them?

osarusan

I don't think there is much there that would be recognised as promiscuity these days, but you are still unhappy with how you are behaving while drunk, so I'd say you should make sure you don't get so drunk you do stuff you regret. If drinking is how you deal with problems in your life, then find something else that could take your mind off your problems/help you unwind.

You mention your reputation being tarnished, but I'd say that's only in your own mind - you feel you have let yourself down, but I don't think the behaviour you've described would make others think much about it.

Austria!

Shamefulfeelings wrote: »

Hi,
My mother has called me a slapper and my brother called me a hoor, because I was seeing a guy and because I have male friends.

Male friends! You hussy.

December2012

Work on building up your own emotional reserve.

Your family won't give you support. Do they give you friendship? Do they give you anything positive?

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Work on building up your own emotional reserve.

Your family won't give you support. Do they give you friendship? Do they give you anything positive?

In dreggs!!! Instead I spend most of the time worrying about them. I wouldn't even consider my mother a confidente. In fact I feel like she'd happily throw me under a bus (metaphorically) but I still love her unfortunately.

LegacyUser

Austria! wrote: »

Male friends! You hussy.

Lol

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

I don't think there is much there that would be recognised as promiscuity these days, but you are still unhappy with how you are behaving while drunk, so I'd say you should make sure you don't get so drunk you do stuff you regret. If drinking is how you deal with problems in your life, then find something else that could take your mind off your problems/help you unwind.

You mention your reputation being tarnished, but I'd say that's only in your own mind - you feel you have let yourself down, but I don't think the behaviour you've described would make others think much about it.

Well I was sure I heard my mam gossiping about the situation and sure she knows about me kissing the guy. I practice Reiki, go to the gym etc. I have nights out where i'm not in my home town or with this crowd and they don't seem to go as messy.

I kissed another girls bf, then a couple of nights later I was with another guy (who then told me the next day he had a gf) that night after leaving him I went to my exes house. Not my finest moment.

December2012

You can love her, but not like her. That's ok. Limit your exposure to negativity and build yourself up.