Is there anything wrong with settling?

LegacyUser

I've been seeing this guy for a while and it's been going ok. He's really nice and good company, we've loads in common and we get on really well. On paper he's the perfect match for me. I just don't feel any attraction to him. Everything else is there just not that.

He's recently started saying a lot that we've been seeing each other a good while now and I have a feeling he's building up to something. I'm in my forties and I'm not getting any younger and even when I was young they weren't exactly beating a path to my door. I've had a couple of long term relationships in the past where the attraction was there and they all ended with me having my heart smashed. I don't know if I want to put myself through all that again. But I don't want to end up alone either.

What I'm wondering is if settling is ok - has anyone done it and ended up happy? I've heard older people I know like in their 60s say that in the long term you become more like friends or companions anyway. Can you have a good relationship without that spark?

zoobizoo

Is it fun?
Is he interesting?
Is he interested in you, as a person?

Good basis for a relationship.

Could you see yourself becoming attracted to them or is that an impossibility?

MayoSalmon

Well OP..I sincerely hope he sees this message and makes his mind up for you.

milli milli

If you're not attracted at all to him, then that's not fair on either of ye. You're in your forties which is still young.
How are you going to have sex with him if you're not attracted to him?
Are you hoping that eventually the relationship will become more like companions - that's a long time.

Of course relationships aren't all about sex, but it is what differentiates them from friendships. Being in a sexless relationship is very damaging for the others self-esteem.

I don't know OP. I'm sure some people could (and do) settle. But I just couldn't. I'd want my partner to be as crazy about me as I'm about them. I'd rather stay single than settle to be honest.

Gunslinger92

I'll start by saying I'm 15+ years younger than you, so probably not as much experience as you with dating.

However, I think that, when describing a new relationship, you say that it's just "okay", that's not a good sign. You should (imo) be full of excitement and telling anyone who'll listen how great they are and how well it's going. That's what it's been like for me anyway.

Another thing is that it's completely unfair on the guy to stay with him if you aren't attracted to him. In fact, that would be doing yourself a disservice too.

SimpleDimples

Would you like if someone just settled for you?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Is it fun?
Is he interesting?
Is he interested in you, as a person?

Good basis for a relationship.

Could you see yourself becoming attracted to them or is that an impossibility?

Yes we have fun together and he seems interested in what I've got to say and he's an interesting person. We like the same kind of things. He treats me very well. All the things you would want in a relationship and some of the things that were missing from previous relationships I've had. My last partner was mentally very abusive and left me a bit of an emotional mess. The one before was physically abusive. It's been nice to be treated so well for a change and its been a surprise to me. I like not feeling like I have to walk on eggshells all the time. It's just that I can't feel any spark. In the beginning I thought that it might grow over time but it just hasn't happened. I do really like him just that feeling is missing.

Yellow pack crisps

The problem is that maybe eventually that will be ok for you, but will it be ok for him? I have seen couples and it's quite apparent one has attraction and one doesn't and problems manifest in many ways and unhappiness becomes the root.

Even people with mutual attraction go through dry periods but the difference is they have the potential to reclaim their sex life because that fundamental attraction is still there, take that away and the future becomes cold.

Yellow pack crisps

MayoSalmon wrote: »

Well OP..I sincerely hope he sees this message and makes his mind up for you.

So the op has enough kindness and thoughtfulness to come on to a board to seek advice and she is met with this response?

cruizer101

How long do you mean by a good while? Are we talking months, years?

Also surely there must be some attraction there or you would never have started seeing him.

Whatdo1do

Whatdo1do wrote: »

What I'm wondering is if settling is ok - has anyone done it and ended up happy? Can you have a good relationship without that spark?

I'm single and in my 40s and I've no intention of settling! If anything, I feel like I have the luxury of taking my time and finding the right person. I've never known myself better or been clearer about what I want.

I plan on living another 30 odd years at least and I hope to find someone that's better than "ok" to live it with.

Sephiroth_dude

Do the guy a favour and end it, let him find someone who appreciates him and no you shouldn't just "settle for someone" you'll be miserable for the rest of your life!

Xterminator

Hi OP

i think the wording of your title has ensured lots of people post negatively here.

had you said are there other situations where a relationship can work, other than 'true love' then most people would recognise that for generations people have married and got on very well, based on respect, friendship and common interests.

there is some basis to say that these relationships are actually more stable than the fiery passionate ones, as they are less likely to violently implode.

if you are realistic, honest and communicate well; and are well matched personalities - i would say thats as good as starting point as bring 'in love'.

If one partner is fooling the other - ie pretending, well thats a terrible place to start, and not fair on the partner who is being tricked with false pretences.

batmanrobin

There's everything wrong with it! And it's a pretty rotten thing to do to someone else. How do you think your partner would feel if he knew you saw him as an option? Someone to just pass the time with? I can't imagine he'd be very happy with that, or that he'd want to stay with you. Don't be so selfish, OP. He deserves better than that.

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Is it fun?
Is he interesting?
Is he interested in you, as a person?

Good basis for a relationship.

Could you see yourself becoming attracted to them or is that an impossibility?

Yes we have a lot of fun together. We chat constantly. He seems to care what I have to say. We like a lot of the same things. He treats me really well. All the things you would want in a relationship and somethings that were missing from my previous relationships. My last partner was very mentally abusive and left me a bit of a mess. The one before was violent. I've been enjoying the relaxed feeling of being with him and not feeling like I'm walking on eggshells the whole time. Its just that that feeling isn't there. In the beginning I thought/hoped that it might grow over time but it hasn't happened.

I don't want to hurt or mislead him. He's a really good guy.

Xterminator

Yep, tell him the truth, let him make up his mind. for sure.

But also you have a decision to make too. it has to work for both of you.

banoffe2

Hi OP
I think you have figured it out for yourself.
IMO without a spark its going nowhere, there has to be an attraction, even if he is the nicest guy in the World
I was in a similar situation before and was hoping the other person might grow on me, and to be honest I was disappointed that I didn't have a trace of spark and it was very clear to me and friends that it was very one sided, we had a lot in common and like yourself had a few shared interests.

I hated breaking the news that for me it was friendship, I was feeling under pressure with all the kind texts, gestures, gifts, being introduced to friends, family at events etc., being made feel so welcome, especially when people I had never heard before knew my first name eventhough we had only been out a half a dozen times over a period of a few months and we were both looking at a different picture.

Incidentally the friendship survived and if that changes I can accept that too.

Is it possible to have friends of the opposite sex? I lost some when they discovered it was going no further than friendship but those who stayed are real friends and no hidden agendas.

Is companionship an option for ye or friendship?

The very best of luck to you.

December2012

Are you sexually compatible?

Why do you think there's no spark? Are you used to associating passion with drama?

Is he settling too? Or does he think it's different?

Big Bag of Chips

I'd agree with questioning whether or not you are just used to dramatic relationships, and because this isn't one you're questioning it.

The problem with settling with someone who doesn't really do it for you, is what happens a few years down the line and you meet someone who DOES do it for you? Do you stick with the 'meh' relationship? Do you end it and move on? Do you have an affair and try to have both?

If you don't feel something more than friendship for him, then that's just how it is. It's not his fault, it's not yours. I have loads of people in my life that I like, that I have a laugh with, that I have great chats with, that I know I could depend on them at any time to help me where needed, but they're friends. Nothing more. What makes a friend a boyfriend is that extra something. And if you don't have it, and you settle, you risk finding it with someone else.

professore

It's marriage (assuming OP you are talking about marriage) under false pretences. You and him would both be better off alone than going ahead with this. Just tell him how you feel, that there is no chemistry between you. No shame on it.

Vela

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd agree with questioning whether or not you are just used to dramatic relationships, and because this isn't one you're questioning it.

I've had this put to me before and I think that you still just 'know' if there's nothing there.

OP, what you're talking about is a friendship. It wouldn't be fair on him and you'd end up leaving him eventually.

Augme

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

So the op has enough kindness and thoughtfulness to come on to a board to seek advice and she is met with this response?

Kindness and thoughtfulness? Where? I'm assuming you read a different OP to me because the one I read didn't show any signs of kindness or thoughtfulness on the OP's part. She's asking the question purely from her own selfish point of view and doesn't seem to give a crap about her other half.

otnomart

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm single and in my 40s and I've no intention of settling! If anything, I feel like I have the luxury of taking my time and finding the right person. I've never known myself better or been clearer about what I want.

I plan on living another 30 odd years at least and I hope to find someone that's better than "ok" to live it with.

This !
OP,
You are in your 40s (so am I) therefore you don't even have the pressure of the biological clock ticking - which placed a lot of 30-somethings in unhappy marriages.
So embrace this, be honest with this guy, and both go your separate ways to find someone right for you both.

alberto67

Whatdo1do wrote: »

Its just that that feeling isn't there.

In the beginning I thought/hoped that it might grow over time but it hasn't happened.

I don't want to hurt or mislead him. He's a really good guy.

You have the answer above, let him go. He has the right to be with someone who is attracted to him. You don't want to lead him on.

TheCatSpangler

You're not attracted to him. You'll either meet someone you are attracted to and then leave him for them, or he'll seek that attraction from someone else when he stops kidding himself that its there from you and he'll leave you for them. If you settle you're settling for a finite situation that ends badly with one or both of you going off with someone else where mutual attraction exists.

If you really are as good friends as you say (that's what it is in reality when the attraction isn't there, friendship) then much better to disolve the 'romantic' relationship on good terms and possibly maintain the friendship, versus the inevitable crash and burn and bad feeling.

BetsyEllen

You may have another 40 years on this planet, do you really want to spend that time in a sexless and mediocre relationship?

Think of all the fun you could have and love you could experience in those years with someone else or many others.

Do not settle - it's an incredibly cruel thing to do to him and a regretful thing to do to yourself.

kerryjack

BetsyEllen wrote: »

You may have another 40 years on this planet, do you really want to spend that time in a sexless and mediocre relationship?

Think of all the fun you could have and love you could experience in those years with someone else or many others.

Do not settle - it's an incredibly cruel thing to do to him and a regretful thing to do to yourself.

At 40 looking for love and attraction is difficult and waiting for Mr right might never happen, the graveyard is full of people that waited for mr right, chances are he is happy to settle as well. If ye be kind to each other, respect each other. sex on a sat night after a bottle or 2 of wine ye will live long and happy lives like the rest of us.

BetsyEllen

kerryjack wrote: »

At 40 looking for love and attraction is difficult and waiting for Mr right might never happen, the graveyard is full of people that waited for mr right, chances are he is happy to settle as well. If ye be kind to each other, respect each other. sex on a sat night after a bottle or 2 of wine ye will live long and happy lives like the rest of us.

I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't fancy, regardless of being drunk.

kylith

OP, how would you feel if it were reversed and he told you he'd settled for you?

kerryjack

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't fancy, regardless of being drunk.

OK I hope you will always have someone you fancy to have sex with.

BetsyEllen

kerryjack wrote: »

OK I hope you will always have someone you fancy to have sex with.

So do I but if I don't, I'll be having no sex and that's just fine with me!

Hopefully I'll never be so desperate for a ride that I resort to sleeping with people that I don't find remotely attractive and have to drink 2 bottles of wine before our scheduled Saturday night fumble.

alberto67

BetsyEllen wrote: »

So do I but if I don't, I'll be having no sex and that's just fine with me!

Hopefully I'll never be so desperate for a ride that I resort to sleeping with people that I don't find remotely attractive and have to drink 2 bottles of wine before our scheduled Saturday night fumble.

Agree. In that case, I'd rather ride my pillow.

kerryjack

alberto67 wrote: »

Agree. In that case, I'd rather ride my pillow.

Luky pillow

alberto67

kerryjack wrote: »

Luky pillow

I know... a bit holed now

Emme

Whatdo1do wrote: »

Yes we have fun together and he seems interested in what I've got to say and he's an interesting person. We like the same kind of things. He treats me very well. All the things you would want in a relationship and some of the things that were missing from previous relationships I've had. My last partner was mentally very abusive and left me a bit of an emotional mess. The one before was physically abusive. It's been nice to be treated so well for a change and its been a surprise to me. I like not feeling like I have to walk on eggshells all the time. It's just that I can't feel any spark. In the beginning I thought that it might grow over time but it just hasn't happened. I do really like him just that feeling is missing.

OP have you had counselling for your previous abusive relationships? It could be that you are not used to somebody treating you well. There is no drama and danger in this relationship and you are not used to feeling safe with somebody. If you are used to drama safe might feel boring. The "spark" isn't the be all and end all. You can spend your life looking for the "spark" and end up alone whereas many relationships start with a slow burn and grow over time.

If you would prefer to spend the rest of your life alone than be in a relationship with this man by all means end it. However I would not advise you to end this relationship without giving it a lot of thought. It is hard to meet somebody who is kind, caring and considerate. No relationship is perfect. I am going to go against the grain and advise you to give this relationship a chance. In the meantime get some counselling for your previous experiences.

There are plenty of men out there who are abusive. If you end it with this man he will have no problem meeting somebody else. It might not be so easy for you to meet somebody else.

Pterosaur

So he treats you well but there's no spark? I assume theres a spark from his perspective?

Whereas with previous, there was a spark but you were not treated well?

I don't know, it is a tough one. Go it alone, hang on for something that might have more spark, or "settle" for the good guy with no major spark from your perspective.

If I was the guy though, I am not sure I would like the thought of being "settled on", although maybe he is besotted enough with you to settle for being "settled on".

kerryjack

There is not as much pressure any more to have a life long partner. Not like years ago when a women needed a man to provide for them and a man needed a women to cook for him, 50 years ago people thought getting married was the only show in town, For me marriage is a load of bull that you can walk away from any time, its when 2 people decide to have a child together now thats a serious commitment and should not be taken lighty. The sad reality is a lot of people got married down through the years just to please there parent's thats not happening anymore and thats a good thing.

LegacyUser

Hi I'm the op. Just to answer a few questions. I did have counselling recently but I didn't find it very helpful. I didn't really gel with the counsellor, and I didn't find her particularly interested. It wasnt really what I was expecting to be honest. She didn't really ask me questions to do with what I was saying. It was a free HSE service for people who experienced sexual abuse as a child and we never even really talked about the abuse and the effect it had on me. I can't really afford private counselling at the moment.

As for confusing the lack of drama with spark I honestly don't know. I do like him a lot but I don't fancy him. It's for superficial shallow reasons to be honest and I know you're not supposed to go by looks alone. He has kissed me and while it was nice it didn't really have any real effect on me. Like it didn't get my heart racing or anything.

The whole sex thing is very complex and complicated for me in general anyway. It has never been something that was important to me. No man I've been with has ever been able to make the earth move for me if you know what I mean. Although I do enjoy the intimacy when it's someone I find attractive I've never really gotten much more than that out of it. I think it's getting to the stage where he's looking for it to happen very soon but I would never expect him to stay in a sexless relationship. I would be able to meet his needs in that department, like I have with other men I've been with. Its a kind of feeling where my mind and body disconnect from each other. Its very hard to explain and I've never been able to talk to anyone about it before because it just seems too weird.

I think settling is the wrong word to use in the op. What I'm trying to get my head around is if you can have a good relationship without strong physical attraction when all the other factors are there. Anyway most people seem to think you can't. I don't want to hurt him but if that's the case then maybe the right thing to do is let him go.

Big Bag of Chips

Whatdo1donow wrote: »

I think settling is the wrong word to use in the op. What I'm trying to get my head around is if you can have a good relationship without strong physical attraction when all the other factors are there. Anyway most people seem to think you can't.

I don't know. Every relationship will be different and what works for 1 couple, won't work for someone else. I have gone out with less-than-conventionally-handsome men, and been really really attracted to them. I was attracted to them as a person.

Do you think you could be happy with him? Truly happy? Happy to spend 40 years with him, happy? If so, then what he looks like will grow to be less and less important. Are you attracted to him? As in, do you look forward to meeting him and spending time with him? Do you miss him when he's not around? Are you drawn to him and want to spend time with him, despite the minor things about his looks that are putting you off?

Looks, whilst obviously important initially to draw our attention to someone, are probably the least important thing in a relationship, in my opinion anyway! Looks change, the personality and the person inside, generally doesn't change a whole lot. So if you are drawn to the person, that's what matters.

If you're not drawn to him, or attracted to him in any way, then best not to drag it out much longer.

professore

Whatdo1donow wrote: »

Hi I'm the op. Just to answer a few questions. I did have counselling recently but I didn't find it very helpful. I didn't really gel with the counsellor, and I didn't find her particularly interested. It wasnt really what I was expecting to be honest. She didn't really ask me questions to do with what I was saying. It was a free HSE service for people who experienced sexual abuse as a child and we never even really talked about the abuse and the effect it had on me. I can't really afford private counselling at the moment.

As for confusing the lack of drama with spark I honestly don't know. I do like him a lot but I don't fancy him. It's for superficial shallow reasons to be honest and I know you're not supposed to go by looks alone. He has kissed me and while it was nice it didn't really have any real effect on me. Like it didn't get my heart racing or anything.

The whole sex thing is very complex and complicated for me in general anyway. It has never been something that was important to me. No man I've been with has ever been able to make the earth move for me if you know what I mean. Although I do enjoy the intimacy when it's someone I find attractive I've never really gotten much more than that out of it. I think it's getting to the stage where he's looking for it to happen very soon but I would never expect him to stay in a sexless relationship. I would be able to meet his needs in that department, like I have with other men I've been with. Its a kind of feeling where my mind and body disconnect from each other. Its very hard to explain and I've never been able to talk to anyone about it before because it just seems too weird.

I think settling is the wrong word to use in the op. What I'm trying to get my head around is if you can have a good relationship without strong physical attraction when all the other factors are there. Anyway most people seem to think you can't. I don't want to hurt him but if that's the case then maybe the right thing to do is let him go.

Why not move in with a like minded female friend instead? You will get all of the companionship and none of the pressure of sexual expectations.

osarusan

Whatever you do, be honest with him.

He might decide he's not willing to settle for that, and so be it.

Or you might be lucky and find that he feels just the same and is happy to enter a relationship on those terms too.


But it isn't a pretense you can keep up for ever, and for a partner to find out say 5 years down the line that the other half of the relationship has been sleeping with them just to keep them happy ("meet their needs") rather than out of their own desire, might break them.

Masterofballs

What do you find not attractive about him?

I have read about people from abused backgrounds showing attraction for abusive people and when someone comes along who treats them kindly they do not find them attractive because its something that is alien to them and even something that scares them. To be honesty you sound like you have intimacy problems and that is totally understandable as you seem to have been treated very badly throughout life. I would try and go to as many therapists as possible to find the right one who will unlock you from the prison you reside in.

I hope you find happiness, some lines you write are terribly sad. HUGS.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note:

Couple of off topic posts deleted. Please remember PI is an advice forum, rather than a discussion forum.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you think you could be happy with him? Truly happy? Happy to spend 40 years with him, happy? If so, then what he looks like will grow to be less and less important. Are you attracted to him? As in, do you look forward to meeting him and spending time with him? Do you miss him when he's not around? Are you drawn to him and want to spend time with him, despite the minor things about his looks that are putting you off?

I thought maybe I could be. I feel very comfortable with him and feel a lot of affection for him, but maybe I'm fooling myself because I don't want to be alone.

professore wrote: »

Why not move in with a like minded female friend instead? You will get all of the companionship and none of the pressure of sexual expectations.

Because even though I'm defective I want to find and be with someone who l love and who loves me back. I thought maybe it was possible to have that with someone who you weren't necessarily physically attracted to, like maybe you could just have an emotional connection, but according to a lot of the responses I've read here that isn't an option. The relationships I've had in the past I've loved them and been attracted to them at the same time. And although they told me they loved me too, the way they treated me said otherwise. They were either mentally and emotionally abusive in one case, or physically or sexually abusive in the other. I've never been treated this way by anyone before and maybe it is selfish of me like some posters have said, but I've liked it. I've never been with anyone who has really loved me before and at 40+ that's more than a bit pathetic. I'd come to believe that I was basically unloveable.

Masterofballs wrote: »

What do you find not attractive about him?

I have read about people from abused backgrounds showing attraction for abusive people and when someone comes along who treats them kindly they do not find them attractive because its something that is alien to them and even something that scares them. To be honesty you sound like you have intimacy problems and that is totally understandable as you seem to have been treated very badly throughout life. I would try and go to as many therapists as possible to find the right one who will unlock you from the prison you reside in.

I hope you find happiness, some lines you write are terribly sad. HUGS.

Thanks. It's purely physical things which sounds very shallow.

Anyway, I think it's best to end it for his sake now. The last year or so I've been doing really well. I've been back working and enjoying it after being out a long time due to severe depression and a spell in a psychiatric unit. I thought maybe it would be a good time to meet somebody and gave the whole dating thing another go. The doctors have been gradually reducing my medication but I can feel myself slipping again and getting lower and lower, and it wouldn't be fair to keep him around if I'm going back there again. Its very bleak and its not very nice for the people around me. Thanks for all the advice.

crebel81

Masterofballs wrote: »

What do you find not attractive about him?

I have read about people from abused backgrounds showing attraction for abusive people and when someone comes along who treats them kindly they do not find them attractive because its something that is alien to them and even something that scares them. To be honesty you sound like you have intimacy problems and that is totally understandable as you seem to have been treated very badly throughout life. I would try and go to as many therapists as possible to find the right one who will unlock you from the prison you reside in.

I hope you find happiness, some lines you write are terribly sad. HUGS.

You are absolutely right in what you say. I had the same experience and came to the same conclusion when I initially met my now wife...I was missing some sort of "spark" and this spark turned out to mean abuse, drama, toxicity...all negative traits which my ex had.

OP, you are worth so much more

professore

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people are attracted to drama and instability. As a guy there are plenty of guys I know who are fun, spontaneous seem reasonably good looking as far as I can tell, and have their lives together but for some reason it's these guys that have real problems attracting women, or if they do attract them it tends to be the unstable crazies. Sometimes they luck out and meet a suitable girl but it's hard work.

The sneaky two faced guys who are abusive to their girlfriends and who can't hold down a job seem to have no such problems. Never understood that one.

Not sure if it helps you OP but it's what I've observed over the years.