Drunk partners plays mind games

HeavyHeaded

It's almost 2am. I'm in bed crying my eyes out with frustration. I don't know if my situation is normal. If I'm normal. I don't know.

I'm a worrier. My partner is a drinker. When he drinks he does not give a damn about me. When he drinks he lies. When he drinks he does not reply to my texts. My calls. Nothing. He knows I'm a worrier and it's like he gets a kick out of seeing me in a state.

Am I dramatic? Yes. Do I like being this way? No.

Take tonight. I couldn't log into netflix so I text him for the password. He seen my text and ignored it. An hour passed. Another message ignored. I tried calling. My calls were cancelled. He got angry then and said he was in his parents house in bed. He wasn't. Unnecessary lies. This blew up into a fight. Which lead me here out of frustration and needing someone to talk to.

I work long hours, I get really bad anxiety. I'm currently finding it hard to sleep at night. I get a lot of pain that may be arteritis according to family members who went through similar pains. I don't need these childish drunk games. I'm too old for this (30s)

I don't know what to do. Surely if this is meant to be the person I'm supposed to be with then things wouldn't be like this

Also, I've been to counselling on this before. I know the solution lies with him but he won't resolve it.

LegacyUser

No, the solution dues not lie with him. It lies with you.

twilight_singer

"Surely if this is meant to be the person I'm supposed to be with then things wouldn't be like this"

Think you have answered your question right here.
A partner should love and respect you enough to communicate with you properly

bigpink

Pack bags and run

KKkitty

If your partner is the problem maybe it's time to ditch him. I don't know how long you've been with him but if you have any doubt get out plain and simple. You can do better than him I promise. Focus on you.

Hannibal_Smith

Does he drink a lot? Is he out frequently? What's he like when he comes home. If my partner is out I wouldn't text him looking for the Netflix code and vice versa. I leave him to it of a night. If by chance i do text and he sees it and doesn't respond, I assume he's glanced at his phone but is chatting so hasn't the chance to respond.

But we don't go out separately a lot, so it's not a big deal. I'm not sure if your other half is out every knight and leaving you to it? When you're in his company and he's drinking what's he like? Have you got help in relation to your anxiety?

gifted

That's not a partner....

HeavyHeaded

I get that people might not text their partners on a night out. But we always have. He's attentive until he has the drink that moves him from sober to drunk.about twenty minutes before I asked him the net flix password he text me asking was I ok. By the time I replied he had moved into drunk state.

I could see him reading the messages and ignoring them. He knows this enrages me but he still done it. He deliberately ignored me. He wouldn't answer my calls. He kept me up even though he knew I had to be up early for work. He didn't care. He told me he was home in bed when he wasn't. A blatant lie. I don't believe anything he says when he is drinking. He is nasty when drinking, but only to me. That's what angers me. It's only me he is like this to. It's all mind games with him.

I know he will wake up this morning and text me saying that he will be home soon like nothing is wrong. He will make out like I am being dramatic. I don't want to leave him. We have a house, jobs away from home. We are together a long time. But I am mentally absolutely wrecked with his teenager behaviour. What kind of person in their 30s gets drunk so easy and disrespects the one person in the world who gives a damn about them.

HeavyHeaded

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I don't know if my situation is normal. .

It's not.

Get out of the relationship and move on.

HeavyHeaded

RoboKlopp wrote: »

It's not.

Get out of the relationship and move on.

Like what are other people partners like when out drinking?

I've no other experience with drunk partners except my own. I don't know if it's normal for people to be ignorant when drinking. I know myself that no matter how drunk I am I still know whats important to me. No amount of drink could haze the line that I would cross it into disrespecting anyone.

Colser

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Like what are other people partners like when out drinking?

I've no other experience with drunk partners except my own. I don't know if it's normal for people to be ignorant when drinking. I know myself that no matter how drunk I am I still know whats important to me. No amount of drink could haze the line that I would cross it into disrespecting anyone.

Why doesn't he come home after a night out?

HeavyHeaded

Colser wrote: »

Why doesn't he come home after a night out?

Well in this case we live in Dublin and he was down the country back home for the bank holiday as I work bank holidays and he doesnt

beans

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I don't know if it's normal for people to be ignorant when drinking.

If I drink rum, I can get pretty ignorant and sloppy, and my wife doesn't like it. As a result, I don't drink rum anymore. I think the main problem is not adjusting the behaviour when it becomes an issue.

HeavyHeaded

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Like what are other people partners like when out drinking?

I've no other experience with drunk partners except my own. I don't know if it's normal for people to be ignorant when drinking. I know myself that no matter how drunk I am I still know whats important to me. No amount of drink could haze the line that I would cross it into disrespecting anyone.

You'd keep in contact for a start and not ignore your partner.

HeavyHeaded

beans wrote: »

If I drink rum, I can get pretty ignorant and sloppy, and my wife doesn't like it. As a result, I don't drink rum anymore. I think the main problem is not adjusting the behaviour when it becomes an issue.

I've said this to him before. It's only since he start drinking beer about 4 yeas ago that this started.

I'm the same with tequila or wine. I don't like what it does to me. (Hangover for days)

redfox123

You need to stop using him and needing him to soothe your own anxiety. He is NOT the person to do it. He doesn't sound like a great partner to you no, but that's a separate issue to your own anxiety. Deal with that. I was the same as you, I hated that it felt like he didn't care. But really I should have just been getting on with my own life, giving him all the freedom he wanted, and I hate to admit it but I was needy and that is the most unattractive thing, and made him angry. I think you should break up with him because it sounds like it's turned nasty, but then seriously face your own anxiety and try dealing with it in a healthy way.

I would say end it because it sounds like he drinks too much, and that's not good in any healthy relationship, he won't cut back because he doesn't want to/see an issue. And you can't make him. Clearly he doesn't care enough, so that's it, accept it and move on. But aside from that know that in a relationship, you've got to respect the other persons free time to themselves. It will implode if they feel trapped or have to constantly reassure a very insecure partner. The more you cling the more they want away.

TheChizler

If my girlfriend is on a night out I don't text her or call unless it's very important, I wouldn't want to distract her from friends etc. I've always treated texts as optional to respond to immediately myself and she knows this. If it's important call me. The hanging up calls and not calling back is poor form all right but how are you so sure he's doing it intentionally to spite you and not hanging up in a noisy environment and forgetting to call back drunkenly? Has he told you? I'm not saying it's much better but is it really mind games? Do you send many texts and make many calls during a typical night out?

skallywag

OP, how often is this happening?

HeavyHeaded

redfox123 wrote: »

You need to stop using him and needing him to soothe your own anxiety. He is NOT the person to do it. He doesn't sound like a great partner to you no, but that's a separate issue to your own anxiety. Deal with that. I was the same as you, I hated that it felt like he didn't care. But really I should have just been getting on with my own life, giving him all the freedom he wanted, and I hate to admit it but I was needy and that is the most unattractive thing, and made him angry. I think you should break up with him because it sounds like it's turned nasty, but then seriously face your own anxiety and try dealing with it in a healthy way.

I would say end it because it sounds like he drinks too much, and that's not good in any healthy relationship, he won't cut back because he doesn't want to/see an issue. And you can't make him. Clearly he doesn't care enough, so that's it, accept it and move on. But aside from that know that in a relationship, you've got to respect the other persons free time to themselves. It will implode if they feel trapped or have to constantly reassure a very insecure partner. The more you cling the more they want away.

Oh I've certainly become needy. I feel like it's a result of his constant lies when he's drinking. I expect fights and lies when he is drinking that just the mention of him going to drink brings on the anxiety.
However I can tell he thinks I'm just making this up

HeavyHeaded

TheChizler wrote: »

If my girlfriend is on a night out I don't text her or call unless it's very important, I wouldn't want to distract her from friends etc. I've always treated texts as optional to respond to immediately myself and she knows this. If it's important call me. The hanging up calls and not calling back is poor form all right but how are you so sure he's doing it intentionally to spite you and not hanging up in a noisy environment and forgetting to call back drunkenly? Has he told you? I'm not saying it's much better but is it really mind games? Do you send many texts and make many calls during a typical night out?

Generally I've always said to him let me know where your going and when your home. If he done this I wouldn't need to text him at all he would just let me know he's home safe and that would be it.

That's where I think the mind games come into it. He knows there is a simple solution to this but he decides that fighting and lying and being a prick is easier than a simple "I'm home now. Night"

HeavyHeaded

skallywag wrote: »

OP, how often is this happening?

Whenever he is out. At least once a month. If we drink or are out together it's not an issue.

What's annoying is any minute now hell text asking what I want for dinner and act like nothing happened.

TheChizler

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

That's where I think the mind games come into it. He knows there is a simple solution to this but he decides that fighting and lying and being a prick is easier than a simple "I'm home now. Night"

I might be picking you up wrong but it sounds like you're not waiting for him to text you first here?

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

What's annoying is any minute now hell text asking what I want for dinner and act like nothing happened.

Have you tried having a conversation with him about it while sober? Letting him know how you feel. It may not even be registering with him as a problem.

lifeandtimes

You say he wasn't in his parents home,how do you know This? You say his constant lies,what has he been caught lying about?

You mention he text you an hour before hand so was im communication prior to this and then when you text him For Netflix after he didn't reply and you then went further by calling him. If I was out I sometimes read texts about to respond but can't for one reason or another(ordering a drink suddenly etc) calling him after would come off as clingy even in a committed relationship and maybe he is ignoring you instead of telling you to give him space to enjoy his night and having a fight start. Or maybe he was in bed and fell asleep.

You seem to have your own insecurities(and admit being needy) which are projecting upon the scenario where he is out and you are not,as you've said when you drink together there are no issues so this may be why the fights start

ash23

I don't text my partner when he's out or vice versa. Sometimes we would but usually when I'm out I'll be catching up with friends or family and my phone is on silent.
I wouldn't always remember to text him that I'm home either especially if I'm a bit drunk.
If he's out I'll be in bed asleep and have my phone on silent as he sometimes texts me or rings me when he's drunk.

I don't think either of us are ignorant or playing mind games.
Have you spoken to him? Asked him why he does it? Does he think it's a bit clingy to be texting during a night out etc. If he had told you he was still out how would you have reacted and is that why he lied and said he was at home?

For me personally I'd find that behaviour from my OH if I was out really annoying but different strokes etc.
You need to talk to him and see how he feels about these "rules" for when he's out because by the sounds of it he doesn't like feeling obliged to check in with you.

HeavyHeaded

Oh don't get me wrong. I can totally see how annoying it would be from the outside. And I'm sure it is annoying. But for me he does it intentionally. I've seen him be on Facebook posting stuff when I've text him and he's ignored me. If he told me I was annoying and he would text me when he is home ok and if I could trust him to do so then there would be no communication at all.

This is an ongoing thing where he has been so drunk that I'm worried for his safety that's why I like to know he's home safe. I've had nights where he told me he was home even though I was home and he wasn't there. So as u can see when he drinks he lies. He has brought this problem on himself like but I feel like I'm the one suffering.

professore

I was the man in your situation, so let me give you my perspective. My wife would call me at work and then when mobile phones came in, message me and call me several times a day, every day if I wasn't with her. Mostly it was OK as I liked talking to her, but it got wearing after a while.

Let me first say we did and still do everything together, so it was not a case of me leaving her sitting at home every evening.

If on the odd occasion (less than once a month, and less and less as you will see) I went out for drinks after work with my work colleagues, she would be texting me several times a night. It is impossible to have any sort of conversation, make any kind of connections or friendships and frankly very rude to have your head stuck in a phone all evening when you are out socialising - although it seems to be more common now with younger people.

Gradually you resent the excessive calls and texts. For a while I gave up going out altogether as it wasn't worth the worry of missing one of the texts or calls and the constant hen pecking and harassment about "why I didn't answer her texts and calls". In a noisy pub you won't even hear them!!!!

I will admit to staying out extra late or drinking more on occasion just to annoy her as to my mind she had ruined my evening.

So for a while I gave up going out altogether as the inevitable stress and arguments afterwards meant I ended up with no social life outside of sitting at home watching TV. Obviously this made me completely miserable. She then had her coffee mornings etc (she is not a nightlife type of person) and had a rich and varied social life and I had nothing. It got so bad that I considered leaving at one point. By the way I think this happens a LOT of men in marriages or long term relationships, and is very very unhealthy.

So I told her (I had to tell her quite forcefully in the end, as she was very dismissive and said I was over reacting) that it was not acceptable. I told her that I would tell her when I am going out and coming home approximately (i.e. before 10 or out all night don't wait up) - and not to contact me AT ALL unless the house was on fire. If she did, then I would have a look at my phone at some point in the evening. This works, because now there is no expectation that I will contact her at all, and sometimes I DO send her an odd text. I'm also relaxed as there is no pressure or expectation on me to do anything except enjoy myself and blow off some steam (the famous ME time that you read about that I only can get from this). It has improved things immensely for me and now in my mid 40s I am a much happier and well adjusted person than I was in my 30s, and ironically, so is she!

I understand now that I was as much to blame as she was, but it took me doing something to change it. I only wish she had been able to see what was happening, but she never did. Maybe you could do something now you have heard a story from the other side.

You say he goes out "at least once a month" as if this is somehow almost excessive. It isn't, especially if you don't have young children, or even if you DO .... I would say that some ME time is very important.

lifeandtimes

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

Oh don't get me wrong. I can totally see how annoying it would be from the outside. And I'm sure it is annoying. But for me he does it intentionally. I've seen him be on Facebook posting stuff when I've text him and he's ignored me. If he told me I was annoying and he would text me when he is home ok and if I could trust him to do so then there would be no communication at all.

This is an ongoing thing where he has been so drunk that I'm worried for his safety that's why I like to know he's home safe. I've had nights where he told me he was home even though I was home and he wasn't there. So as u can see when he drinks he lies. He has brought this problem on himself like but I feel like I'm the one suffering.

You dont trust him and that's the problem,you say if he told you you were annoying and he would text you when he was home that would be all and good if you cpould trust him but you don't so you want to be constant communication with him when he is out which is where the fights come from as no person wants their partner checking on them and on their case.

Break up with him because if you don't trust him then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

As other posters and myself included say we don't text our partners when out but that is because we have trust and this doesn't lead to arguments.
If you want that in a relationship break up with him and work on your insecurities and find a partner you trust

LegacyUser

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I'm worried for his safety that's why I like to know he's home safe.

There are some serious red flags on your behaviour OP, but here's what really sticks out for me. You've said that you're a worrier and that you get overly anxious and start to badger him with texts/phone calls and stop yourself from sleeping when you know you have to be up early while he's out at home.

I went out with someone like you. I lasted 3 months before I left and it blew up spectacularly. She was incredibly anxious, always worrying, and it turns out had really bad OCD (which has since been diagnosed by a professional). She would constantly text me while I was down the country at home. I would sometimes see the messages but not be able to respond or I would cancel the call when she tried to ring. I used to go out with a club cycling at the weekends. She would work herself up into a tizzy while I was gone. I had to text her when I got to the group meeting point, when we got to the turn around point, when we got back to the group drop off, and then I would come home. Once I missed texting her before I cycled home because I was chatting with friends and then cycled home with one of the group. When I got home she flipped out. She had worked herself up into a lather convincing herself that I had died somewhere on the route. She was about 5 min. away from going out and driving the route we normally cycle to see if I was in a ditch somewhere. All because she was "a worrier" and "a bit anxious" and "concerned for my safety"....

It's absolutely draining being with someone with anxiety and I could see how with a little drink in him, your boyfriend could become a bit petty. My ex-OH ended up in CBT but by then the damage was done and I couldn't take being with her anymore. Her anxiety ruled over everything we did. So yeah, I could see how on a night out your OH might ignore your texts and phone calls, say he's home so you'll go to sleep and leave him be.

I would highly recommend you seek help for your anxiety. You don't have to live like this. Being anxious/a worrier isn't beyond change. I don't know and can't tell you if your relationship can overcome this but I can tell you that it sounds like your OH is reaching the end of his tether and is not treating you nicely.

professore

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

This is an ongoing thing where he has been so drunk that I'm worried for his safety that's why I like to know he's home safe. I've had nights where he told me he was home even though I was home and he wasn't there. So as u can see when he drinks he lies. He has brought this problem on himself like but I feel like I'm the one suffering.

He's a grown man, not a child, who presumably can hold down a job, pay bills etc. He can take care of himself and doesn't need a second mammy keeping tabs on him.

professore

lifeandtimes wrote: »

You dont trust him and that's the problem,you say if he told you you were annoying and he would text you when he was home that would be all and good if you cpould trust him but you don't so you want to be constant communication with him when he is out which is where the fights come from as no person wants their partner checking on them and on their case.

Break up with him because if you don't trust him then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

As other posters and myself included say we don't text our partners when out but that is because we have trust and this doesn't lead to arguments.
If you want that in a relationship break up with him and work on your insecurities and find a partner you trust

Hmmm I don't think in my wife's case it was because she didn't trust me. I was never the type to go womanising anyway. She is more of the "control freak" type that tends to panic when everything doesn't go to plan, whereas I'm much more a "take it as it comes" type of person.

Dial Hard

It sounds like there's a pair of you in it, tbh.

I think you need to sit him down (sober) one last time and explain to him that all you want is a text from him when he's actually home (and not pretending to be), but also seek some help for your own anxiety issues. It's really not the norm to be this paranoid about a partner going out once a month.