relationship: going, going.......

LegacyUser

Hi Boardsies,
I’m going to keep the details as gender neutral as possible to get a balanced view from everyone.
First the background….
I’ve been married for just going on 10 years.
We have a single child aged between 5-10 years and we both love that child very much (for the sake of argument we’ll say the childs name is Robin)
We both work extremely hard (full time – 40+ hrs per week) and are home every evening to spend as much time as possible with Robin. My partner tends to do homework and then I play with Robin until it’s time for bed.
This isn’t about parenting – my partner is a very good parent.
My partners job tends to be very stressful so I can generally tell what sort of mood they’re in as soon as I get in the door myself. The mood will generally stay the same all night, so I won’t elaborate.
Lets just say if they’ve had a bad day…we’re all on tender-hooks for the night.
……it just drives me mad that they bring the negative feeling home and dump it all over me.
I sit and listen and then….well, there’s really no point in adding to the situation, so I just nod and sympathise..
My job is considerably easier, but I hate it, and I never bring my problems home from work – never.

For all the moaning and giving out my partner does about their work colleagues, if there’s a night out to be had, they’ll be the first one to organise things, and generally arrive home a LOT the worse for wear.
If I suggest WE go out for a night (dinner/drinks/cinema) I practically have to beg - and if my partner eventually relents its almost under protest that we go out.

After homework my partner generally just sits in front of the TV and plays with their phone/tablet for the rest of the night.
Conversation is extremely limited – it’s civil more than amicable.
Because they’re up early for work the next morning, they usually go to bed early and I try to calm myself, watch a little TV, and then go to bed myself.

The point behind all this information, is that after all of this, my partner is actually refusing me, not only sex, but also ANY form of physical contact. When I ask about an early night for the two of us, they usually point out that they’re up early in the morning and need sleep.
I have the luxury of a lie-in every morning before getting up at 6am to wake Robin, do breakfast, get us dressed, do the school run and then get myself into work for 8:30.
I should point out that the reason my partner is up so early is so that they can get into the gym every morning before work. I might get to go in the evening if I’m not too tired after work.
I’m average looking – never had a problem with attracting members of the opposite sex when I was younger , and although I’ve put on a few pounds over the years, I don’t have to cover myself up when I’m going out.
Anyway.
With all the non-contact, listening to everyone elses problems, and general estrangement from my partner, I’m just feeling lonely and unbelievably insecure right now – and have been for the last 18 months (or longer)
I’ve tried to talk to my partner about it but my emotions just get the better of me. I get called “needy” if I’m tell my partner I LOVE YOU more than once a day.
I get called “desperate” if I try to initiate any form of physical contact. And if I persist about our love life, I’m told I should “go and see a sex therapist, because I’ve got a problem”

It came to head last October when I broke down in tears after a wedding. We were in bed the next morning and I attempted to CUDDLE my partner, but they just got up and went for a shower. When they came out of the bathroom I was sitting on the bed, head in my hands, just crying –– I actually felt physically sick
I still can’t forget that morning – it was the worst day of my life. The drive home was awkward and you can probably guess that the atmosphere at home was terrible that night.
It’s never been brought up since. Life just goes on.
I concentrate on Robin now, and know that I’ll get some affection there – but a hug from your child (while heartwarming and loving) is poles apart from the physical touch I need from my partner.
I’m just so lonely when Robin is away with the in-laws on holidays. I crave my partners touch, but on the rare occasion that we do have sex ( its been 4 times this year so far) I feel like I’m the only one whos actually trying – my partner just wants to get it over with.
We still share a bed, but we might as well be sleeping in separate rooms.
I suppose the initial reaction to anyone reading this from the outside would be that my partner is more than likely having an affair, and that I’m just a sad little moaner who is too emotionally unstable and should see my partner for what they are…and move on with my life- get out of the relationship.

I can’t say for certain, but I’m about 80% sure my partner hasn’t strayed. They may have been tempted, but there’s a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that just won’t go away.

I can’t leave my child – I adore my child with every fibre of my being, and although I do love my partner I’m just emotionally torn apart by their actions and attitude.
I don’t know the ins and outs of custody , and I’ve never had to think about it until now.
My partner is the chief income earner in the house and I know we wouldn’t be able to survive with out them.
We split all costs between us – I’d say evenly enough. But at the end of every month I struggle to meet ends meet. My partner doesn’t have that problem.
Last year I bought a very expensive present for my partner for their birthday – it cost me just under €1,000. When MY birthday came around just a few weeks later, I can confidently say that they probably didn’t spend €5 on my present – not even a card.
I said nothing and just threw it in the bin….that REALLY got to me.…….it was just soul destroying.

Last week, we went out for dinner.
Robin is away with the grandparents for the week, so I thought we could do with an evening out.
I offered to pay, but my partner said we should split the bill. Honestly? Split the bill? We’re married and have been for all these years.
When we got home, I initiated physical contact but was again rejected.
At this stage I’d had enough. I told my partner all I wanted was a little affection – not sex.
I said they should put themselves in my position, and asked how would they feel if I was the one doing the rejection – no answer.
I said that if THEY were being rejected on the same daily/weekly basis, that they would surely have suspicions about ME having an affair – again, no reply.
I know I touched a nerve there because things really turned frosty after that.
My partner stuck around for about another 15 minutes and then went to bed – alone.

It’s been horrible ever since. We talk, but as I said before, it’s civil. There’s no fun, no laughter, no joking, and most definitely no physical contact….all the things I miss and loved in the past.
I just don’t know what to do.

That’s my story. I’m not really looking for advice, ……. but any advice/remarks given, would be appreciated.
I know I’m not perfect – no one is.
All I want is a more relaxed atmosphere at home, but I don’t think I’m being treated as an equal partner in this marriage.
Am I being unrealistic?
I just needed to get this off my chest and I know that all you Boardsies out there are a tolerant lot.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read through this.
Fran.

strandroad

Is there any affection, not necessarily physical, offered by your partner to you at all? If not, when did it stop?

rcarroll

all I can say is I sympathise. What an awful feeling to be rejected by your partner. If there could be an explanation I'd try get to the bottom of it - is there a reason for your partner to be cold, something that happened, or something that's not working for them in the relationship? Because you're together so long and have a child maybe it's worth working on and going to counselling?...you might need to break it down to them how serious the situation is, that you're considering leaving over it, for them to get the wake up call to deal with it. As things stand, it doesn't look good and neither of you can continue as things are, I couldn't see my partner break down crying over my coldness to them and not be affected by it...walking away at that point is to me a very serious sign things might not go the way you'd hope..

I want to add that it doesn't necessarily mean your partner is cheating, but it does point to them having checked out of the relationship

Yellow pack crisps

That's a very sad life you live. Your child will also pick up on your unhappiness and will affect his way of seeing relationships, something to consider. I'm not advocating you leaning your partner but regarding money you will be ok, people mostly are although it will be a lot tougher it would be the least attractive offer on the table if nothing changes.

I won't go into the cheating aspect because to be frank no one here can tell you if your partner is or isn't, that's for you to work out.

Your partner doesn't sound like a nice person to be honest and something always lies behind that fact. The change comes about by better. Communicatin and actually working things out, if they are not willing to do this by the many means available then that is really the answer you need. I suggest you pick a time when both of you are alone, make a pot of tea and have the things you want to rectify written down and have a brutal and honest discussion, give them the chance to fix things but be prepared to walk away, this situation is not good long term for you or your son if it continues.

Best of luck as I was genuinely sad reading your post.

cruizer101

Op I feel genuinely sorry for you. You need to convince your partner to discuss and I would say go to therapy/councilor if not you need to look at leaving. The relationship you have, if it can even be called that, is not healthy for you, them or your child. Affection is a basic human need. I can't really offer much more advice but take care of yourself and take action on this it will not get better by itself and the longer it goes the harder it will be to fix.

Another day

Gone...this is not a relationship, it actually doesn't even seem to be a friendship. What a sorry story 😦

One final chat or if you don't feel able to verbalise your thoughts and feelings then write everything down including options available...joint counselling, communication or going your separate ways. If you go your separate ways make sure you have all your information together, birth certificate of child, copies of bank statements, details of any loans, copies of bills etc.

Whatever happens you cannot continue to live a platonic, unsatisfied marriage/partnership. Your future has to be better than this. And believe me your child picks up on the atmosphere and 2 happy separate parents are better than 2 unhappy ones sharing a house.

Best of luck...

Airyfairy12

Sorry to hear your situation, your partner sounds very cold and youve done all you can to make this work. You sound like a lovely person and anyone would be lucky to have you but youre not going to get the affection you want from your partner. They don't have to sleep with you or act a certain way regardless of how it makes you feel. It sounds like your partner has fallen out of love, its unfortunate but it happens and both of you sound miserable.
All you can do is leave the relationship, it wont be easy to leave, breakups never are and it will be a huge readjustment in regards to all areas of your life but its your only choice, you wont change your partners feelings towards you.
You shouldnt have any custody problems, youre not an abusive or irresponsible parent, also your child is old enough to express their wants and needs so theres little chance of you getting pushed out of the child's life. Start saving what you can or move in with family for a short time if its possible until you can manage to sort your out own place.

Maybe then you'll have the chance to meet someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you.

kylith

Agree to go to a sex therapist, if they go with you.

December2012

Go for relationship counselling, together preferably. You need somebody to help you communicate better with each other.

It's not healthy to live in that environment

racso1975

I was where you are many years ago. You are made feel it's your problem....like the snide dig to go see a therapist. Bit by bit your confidence and self worth will be torn away from you. It may be civil currently but will end being not even that. Probably one person will move out of t bedroom. Robin has already picked up on this I can guarantee that.
I had all those fears you had about the children, in my case, access money housing etc

I moved out and have not regretted it a day since. I know my children are not living in constant tension or fake atmosphere. I know they have 2 parents who love them in loving homes. On a personal front I've found what love actually is with an amazing person and feel so much better about myself it's unreal.

As said above you can try counseling and therapy if only for the reason that you can always say you tried everything and be able to leave with no what ifs hanging over you.

The one thing I think is really important in this is Robin. Like it or not you are now tied to this partner for life. If you do end up splitting up you need to find a way to co-parent and communicate with each other for the betterment of Robin. Do not use or let Robin end up being a pawn in your arguments.

Best of luck with it and always remember you do not need to shoulder the blame and there are so many people out there to talk to.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies guys.
The comments all just reinforce my own thoughts....and the ultimate step will be tough.

As I said before, I've tried to broach the subject and talk things out - just between the two of us, but I'm getting nowhere.
This has been going on for the last 18-24 months and the physical side of things is just becoming less and less and less

I've decided to go back to basics and write my partner a letter. Not an email, not a typed letter - just go down the handwritten route and see what happens.
I'll let you know how I get on.
Thanks again for your support - It's great to know that even though I've never met any of you, you can offer a shoulder to lean on....you really are brilliant - all of you.

Steviesol

From what I can see he is a perpetrator of domestic violence. That is no way to live, lots of supports out there, best of luck what ever you chose.

ManOfMystery

Just curious OP, did anything happen around the 18-24 month mark that could have been a catalyst for this? A row, an incident, or otherwise? Did they change jobs or roles? Or did it just slowly start? If your partner was more affectionate before that, after 8yrs of marriage, it would seem strange that they would suddenly become so cold without any warning as such - unless something triggered it.

Steviesol wrote: »

From what I can see he is a perpetrator of domestic violence. That is no way to live, lots of supports out there, best of luck what ever you chose.

Whoa. Domestic violence? 

First, we don't know if the partner is a 'he' or 'she', not that it matters. 

Secondly, whilst they don't sound like a particularly warm or affectionate individual, there's absolutely nothing in the OP's post to suggest they're suffering from domestic violence - and that includes emotional abuse. They're emotionally and physically distant; that's not quite the same thing as taunting or manipulating someone, or abusing them.

tara73

WhereIsTheLoveGone wrote: »

I said that if THEY were being rejected on the same daily/weekly basis, that they would surely have suspicions about ME having an affair – again, no reply.
I know I touched a nerve there because things really turned frosty after that.
My partner stuck around for about another 15 minutes and then went to bed – alone.

It’s been horrible ever since. We talk, but as I said before, it’s civil. There’s no fun, no laughter, no joking, and most definitely no physical contact….all the things I miss and loved in the past.
I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry, I think your partner is having an affair. everything indicates to this. Doesn't want sex, doesn't want any other physical contact anymore, no emotions for you anymore.

As horrible as it is, I would try to find out and get proof of it if there's an affair. The proof about it will help you in a (possible) seperation process.

Dial Hard

tara73 wrote:

As horrible as it is, I would try to find out and get proof of it if there's an affair. The proof about it will help you in a (possible) seperation process.

Just on this, it actually won't; all divorces in Ireland are considered "no fault".

OP, I hate to say it but I think your relationship is over. I'd start making arrangements to formally end it.

professore

Start the separation process. Then you will see how they really feel about you, but I think you already know. No point spending your life and raising a child in a cold house like that.

And if they are cheating - it looks like that, but does it really matter at this point whether a roommate is cheating on you?

LegacyUser

I found myself in exactly your situation and survived it for many years thinking it would change. Finally my partner openly had an affair and we split. I've felt nothing but happiness since and it's had an incredible positive impact on my children to have that stress lifted.

LegacyUser

Again ...thank you all for your input.

Just for the record, there is absolutely NO domestic violence in our relationship.
There's never been a raised hand - plenty of raised voices alright, but definitely NO violence.
No walkouts, and no threats - I don't think I'd be able to tolerate any of them.

Things have gone downhill over the past 18 months as I said, but if I'm honest it's probably been building for a while.
My partner does have a stressful job and the pressure has probably been growing for the past 2 years - maybe that's where this all started - I just don't know.

Over the weekend I decided to take the chance and again revisit the entire situation with my partner.
I asked straight out was there another person involved...either currently or in the recent past.
The answer was a direct No....I'm willing to take that at face value for the sake of argument.
I believe that at this stage there's no point in my partner lying.
If this marriage is finished , this was the perfect opportunity for them to end it.

I asked if they agreed that our marriage was in pieces....the response wasn't immediate, it took a few seconds... but I could see that on reflection, they agreed that we are just treading water at this stage.

I asked if this was what they wanted from a relationship, or more importantly a marriage - they agreed immediately that this can't go on. and we need to change thing fast.
The conversation was short. I said that there was a lot more that i wanted to say, but didn't want a confrontation there and then.
I told you all that I was writing a letter - and that's what I did.
Hardest thing I've ever done. Writing a letter to the person I love, telling them how I feel and that I'm not sure whether they feel the same way.
Trying to make sense of the way we don't talk anymore. We don't laugh, we don't have fun and that there is no longer any physical contact.
I asked them to put themselves in my shoes - how would they feel??

I handed the letter over and said that there was a lot of thought gone into writing it.
I spent hours putting it together and tried to make sure there was nothing aggressive or hostile in there.
I said I didn't want an immediate answer - just think about it and let me know the next day.
Next morning we had coffee together, I got a full apology not just for the actions of the past months, but also for the fact that I had to put everything in a letter.
We have agreed to go to counselling in the hope that we can build bridges and move on.
Sunday was a good day.
We had some fun and laughs, even managed to be amicable - not just civil.
I suppose counselling will take a few weeks/months.
I'm optimistic - I'm hoping we can rescue or marriage.
Again - thank you all.
I'll let you know how we get on.

kylith

Good luck for the future, I hope it all works out for you.

Another day

Well done on facing things head on! It is never easy to put uncomfortable feelings into words and for you, I am glad they saw the truth in what you said. I sincerely hope counselling goes well and that whatever comes of it leads to a better life for you both.

Wishing you both every happiness for the future.

njs030

That's really positive op and well done for taking the step. Im sure there will be downs as well as ups but hopefully you'll deal with them as a team now and come through it stronger.

Best of luck for the future.

pc7

Very best of luck op, sometimes you have to see that you are going to lose something before you fight back to save it. Life, work, kids can all out a relationship in a bad place and with a bit of help you guys can get back to a good place.

LegacyUser

Hi folks......it's been a month since I last posted, so just wanted to update everyone who's been so supportive....and those of you who may have found themselves in similar situations.

Since my last post, things have been mixed.
On 17th August, I had a really tough day.
Everything just go to me and I broke down crying at home that night.
I think it took my partner by surprise, because they just stood there and let me get everything off my chest. After about 10 mins, I had to go outside for air....I really couldn't breathe.

We eventually got back to talking but I felt like everything was just getting in on me - we discussed the whole counselling thing again and the following day I made some calls and eventually (on recommendation from a friend) got an appointment for the two of us to see someone.
We have our first session next week.
Getting the appointment was tough - we decided to hold out for the person who'd been recommended rather than just go with some random counsellor.

The period between then and now has been equally rocky
I feel like an emotional wreck - the slightest thing can start me off crying.

We've been talking more over the last couple of weeks, but I get the feeling that something is preoccupying my partner.
I have a really strong feeling that there is or was another person involved in our relationship.
Maybe not now, but I think something has happened over the past 6-8 months and my partner is looking to rekindle that.....whatever it was
I know I'm paranoid at this stage, so I've just got to try to stay positive.

I have no concrete proof of anything, so you'll have to bear with me.

I find myself shouting at our child more often, and then reassuring the poor little mite that I'm just having an off-day. We hug, and I feel so much better.
It's all verbal....but I HATE shouting and screaming
I just feel like I'm taking my frustrations out on the child - I never used to raise my voice, but its happened a couple of times and I really hate myself for it.
I took the week off last week before school started, just to spend time playing and doing other kids activities. We had a great time - I had so much fun.
Every evening we got home and recounted the whole day to my partner (who couldn't get time off) - it was just brilliant.

Last week was my birthday - the less said about that the better.
I wasn't expecting anything......and I wasn't disappointed.
My partner suggested we all go out for a meal together - their treat.
It never happened.
For one reason or another, all I got was a SLICE of cake with a candle in it.
No card. No present. Nothing else.
I can't help thinking that this was just for show - purely for the childs sake.

Ok - that's where I am now.
Waiting patiently for next week.
Shaking at the prospect - but hoping this will be the start of a new and happy period in all our lives.
I just hope my partner shows up.
Thanks again folks

LegacyUser

Ok.
Sit down...grab a drink and lets go.
(Note to MODs at the very end)

It's been almost another month gone by.
I'm typing here, not just to keep all of you in the loop, but as much for my own piece of mind. It's like my own personal form of therapy.
I suppose the first thing I should start with is that I'M the male in this relationship.
Been trying to keep that under wraps for long enough - but the time is right.
Right.....
We've been to three counselling sessions since I visited here last. The first one was a rollercoaster of emotions. Plenty of tears, anger, frustration and soul searching. I basically laid my soul bare, and pleaded for my wife to listen to me and consider my situation. I told her I was dedicated to her and to fixing our problems. The counsellor sat and listened intentively. My wife said very little - showed very little emotion.
We had our exercises to do, and we started talking - slowly but more assuredly.
That week we were civil and definitely opened up the doors to communication.

The second sessions was a whole lot more intense. This time, we BOTH cried. Got a lot off our chests and definitely moved forward.
Again, as I had done in the past, I told my wife that I honestly thought she had been having an affair - again she denied it and apologised for treating me so badly. The reality had hit her that I had been trying so hard to make things work, while she just kept distancing herself from any problems and had just stonewalled me rather than facing the issues and trying to fix them.
My wife assured me that she still loved me, but this entire process was going to take time (I fully agreed with that) and we agreed that we BOTH needed to put a lot of effort into - not just for our child, but also for our marriage to have any chance of working.

Again, we had exercises to do and we booked our appointment for the following week.

This is the tough bit.
Next day, I was emailed evidence that my wife had indeed been having an affair - and it had been going on for close to two years.
Names, dates, places.
My world just collapsed. I took the afternoon off work and just walked. Walked for miles....turning things around in my head. Struggling to accept the truth, but realising that I had suspected this for a long time and that it really wasn't such a huge shock.
I went home and said nothing. I just kept sat in front of the TV. My blood was boiling. Anger. Bitterness. Desperation. Hate. Shock. Utter disbelief.
I took the next day off work to get my head straight and decide on a plan of action.

I spent a few hours that morning on the web. Finding out about him. (He's married. Kids. No longer living here.)
I thought about contacting him, but in reality, what was the point?
I thought about contacting his wife....but again...why bother? For all I knew, she was the one who emailed me?!?!?!
I looked into ways and techniques to confront a cheating spouse. How to accept what had happened, and where to go from here.
It's amazing the information that's out there. The help. The forums. The advice pages.
Cut to the chase.
I made my decision. Confront her.
And I did.
I should say now, that I'd made the decision that, even after this heartbreaking discovery...I still DO love my wife.
I decided that the confrontation would include an ultimatum. HIM or ME. No other choice. I pointed out that there were CONSEQUENCES if she chose him.....
....and CONDITIONS if she chose me.

The conversation was tough.
She denied everything.
He was just a friend.
I asked to see her phone - not a chance.
Fine. I had everything I needed anyway. I told her everything I knew.
The facts. The evidence. Everything.


She broke down and confessed.

I walked out. Needed to clear my head. I came back about an hour later.
Head clear.
Calm.
Focused.
I asked for her phone. Entered the password (HIS NAME) - I think that really took her by surprise that I'd worked it out
Straight into her messages...and there they were...all the messages, texts, arrangements.
Apparently that's what women do. They keep the messages, to look back at them when they're feeling lonely.
The final nail in her coffin.

I've skipped through a lot of the minor details today. There are bits not even you guys need to know. They're just for me.

So.....you're all probably wondering (if you've followed this to here) where I am now??

Well, I'm still with my wife.

She IS my wife.
She IS the mother of our child.
She's beyond remorseful and cries every day.
Sleep is a problem.

Deep down, I know I still love her - but love needs to be rebuilt.
Trust needs to be rebuilt.
Forgiveness takes time.
I'm focused on moving forward.
Focused on being strong for her and helping her whenever I can.
She cheated. I know that.
It's going to take time to come to terms with that.
The deception.
The betrayal.
The earth shattering realisation that our bond has been broken.
BUT....we WILL move on.
We will rebuild our relationship. Our marriage,
We'll draw a line in the sand...a line I never want to revisit.
Never want to have to refer to it again.
I've made my decision - for better or worse.
All contact with him has been severed. We wrote to him telling him to stay away. It's over. No more contact. If he tries, she's said she'll tell me. We'll cross that bridge when or if we come to it.
Hopefully never

Things have been really good this week so far.
We're talking like never before.
We've agreed to spend more time together.
We've agreed to be intimate - when I'm ready.

Last night we kissed like teenagers - for the first time in probably 3 years.


I'm confident.
Probably completely mad....but confident.
I'm in a MUCH BETTER Place.
Transparency is key.
Without honesty and trust going forward, we'll never make it
Thanks for reading folks.
You guys have been my rock.

Mods: not sure if it's ok to post the address of the website I used for support getting through this.
It deals with Confrontation, Acceptance, Realisation and offers advice on how to decide what to do. www.husbandhelphaven.com
It's helped me look at things from a logical, practical point of view and make my decisions based on my own take of things
You can decide whether to leave it here or delete

WIZWEB

OP you show yourself to be an amazing human being. Tenacious, loving, caring, empathetic and optimistic. However you've been continuously lied to and rejected by your partner for two years. You were abandoned emotionally, personally, sexually, physically and psychologically while she betrayed you and his wife. You've got lots of evidence of this and that she still has strong feelings for him. Remember she didn't disclose it to you so trust will be hard to build. Her recent current password being his name just one example. Don't get obsessed with him though. He has disrespected his partner too as did your wife who chose to engage in this and for a long time. I feel for his wife as well as you as she has been cuckolded like you but is still possibly left in the dark. Whatever separated your wife and him she took this out on you. Perhaps he went back to his wife and you received the brunt of your wife's frustrations though this appears to last as long as their affair.

An incredibly cruel act. I couldn't share a bed for two years with someone I didn't love. Yet your wife did just that. She continuously punished you for her inappropriate actions. She didn't leave you in those two years while doing that so why would she now. Perhaps there are other benefits for her staying. That isn't love. Agreed in some cases there is recovery from similar circumstances to yours. I sincerely hope you both achieve that space. Your partner appears to have all the power and real control here. Her actions have not matched her words for a longtime. Yet you were punished.

Good that you are both getting counselling though I would suggest that you also consider separate individual counselling elsewhere for yourself. This so you can work on your boundaries, confidence, build back up your self-esteem and work through your personal pain. This may if circumstances are right even strengthen your bond with your wife. Your child will be fine whether or not you and your wife remain together. This as long as you both love them which you obviously do. Ultimately your individual counselling will improve your bond with yourself in case you are being presented with an illusion.

MICKEYG

You are a better man than me OP. I would not be as understanding.
I wish you all the best.

tara73

MICKEYG wrote: »

You are a better man than me OP. I would not be as understanding.
I wish you all the best.

just as a side note, I dont think it has something to do with being a better person one way or the other. We all have different tolerance levels and every relationship is different means it's ok to break up with someone because you can't bear or trust anymore after such things happened and if some people can forgive and rebuild trust again it's equally ok.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you are a strong loyal person. You can get through this and have a good relationship with your wife. im sure you will have days where the doubt will creep in, but stay positive.

X

bucketybuck

I think that the OP is being incredibly foolish and is heading straight for further heartbreak. I would second the advice to get individual counselling and get some perspective on what she has done to you.

QueenRizla

OP the your wife distanced herself emotionally and physically for the last two years because she fell in love with someone else. Looks like he moved away/on and now making this work is 'an option' for her, kind of a rebound from the ending of her affair. She was frustated and took out her anger on you probably when it was ending with him.
She is working on it with you as a last resort not because she has fallen back in love with you. All the things that have happened, the lack of affection, sex, connection are not going to come back in the way you deserve. She lied at the counselling process, she is going through the motions now. If loverboy was willing to leave his wife you wouldn't have a shot. Don't settle for whatever crumbs she will offer. She has checked out long ago. Those early morning gym runs?(yeah right) , Late work nights out? And taking out her frustrations 'with work' on you. She is a very accomplished liar. Are you being realistic when you say you'll get back trust with this piece of work?

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all your comments.
Just for clarity......I'm well aware of the consequences that come with confronting a cheating spouse as opposed to them confessing of their own free will.
The simple fact is...I think I have to give this a go.
I ask myself the same question over and over again....

Is she remorseful because of what she did, or is she remorseful because she was caught?

I suppose there's probably a bit of both in there, and I think that's always going to be the case. I could dwell on the breakdown of the percentages of each, but where's that going to get me.....honestly??

I'm giving it a go.
I'm going into this with my eyes open .
My head is clear and focused.
If it doesn't work out - so be it.....but I'm going to give it 100% for the immediate future
We've agreed that whatever happens from here on , is on MY terms.

I appreciate the time and effort you've all put into your comments and suggestions. I think everyone's been fair and objective.
Subjectively, it's harder for me to sever the link. There's a lot more than just the two of us to consider.
There are those that will argue it's better for a relationship to end and start fresh with a new partner.
I am starting fresh.
I'm not looking for affirmation or derision from anyone. I'm sharing my experience (as I said earlier) as much for my own piece of mind as anything else.
Thanks again guys

Colser

Sorry OP but I think you're heading for more heartache /head wreck..I think you're in some kind of honeymoon period.From experience what happens now is that everything is great and wonderful for a time and then the **** hits the fan again when real life kicks in,it'll be a vicious circle going from madly in love to hating each other because it's almost impossible to forgive or forget something like that,whatever about the cheating it's the lies that will have you constantly wondering if you're being played again.I don't believe that any relationship gets over what has happened to you....just my opinion sorry.

retro:electro

I'd never be able to bounce back from this. Op I reread your original post again this morning and what she has put you through for the sake of her own satisfaction is nothing short of cruel. You have been extremely patient and understanding. I don't know how you've managed it. By the sounds of it, she doesn't deserve you. If this is what you really want then I wish you all the best going forward- but the very fact that she had his name as her password up until the day you confronted her should speak volumes to you.

QueenRizla

WhereIsTheLoveGone wrote: »

There's a lot more than just the two of us to consider.
We've agreed that whatever happens from here on , is on MY terms.
I am starting fresh.

You are not starting fresh, far from it. There is a lot of baggage in this relationship. When she was stressed about her lover she took it out on you and you, in turn, took it out on your child.
The level of deceit in lying to you for years, even when you were breaking down with the stress is not something you can just easily sweep under the carpet.
I am not sure what you mean by 'on MY terms' that doesn't sound normal in a healthy relationship that's starting fresh. She is a very accomplished liar even when confronted, just be careful.

bucketybuck

Just think on this. Every time you sat there with her in counseling and tried your hardest to figure out how to save your marriage, she sat there and lied about having sex with another man. Then she took out her phone and typed his name.

Every time she checked for a text, a whatsapp, the time, an email, anything at all, she was typing that mans name. Then she went right back to lying in your face.

I don't want to be harsh or rub things in your face but seriously, you are kidding yourself and then some.

lazybones32

This has to be the craziest thread i've ever read on boards...

You've decided your course of action op but my unsolicited piece of advice is: keep the number of the therapist. You will need their services again.

Can i ask a question? Why is her 'love' so important to you that you are willing to completely humiliate yourself to receive any expression of it?

pc7

OP no one can tell you what is the right or wrong thing, unless they are in your shoes and faced with your choice they can't say what they would do. I do think you've been very easy on her, my fear would be that with no consequences why wouldn't she do the same again.
Solo counselling sessions are a great idea and you 'can' change your mind going forward. Really wish you happiness and the best for the future. You've one life, you deserve to be happy and not second best.

pc7

Op just an additional thought, are you not interested in who sent you that information ? That would be killing me? Do you think maybe it was your wife?

Taylor365

If you are happy staying with her, stay happy.



But what is the other option? Have you explored it?

Is self-esteem stopping you from going alone?

You posted here for a reason OP. How has your opinion of your partner changed?

alibab

Hi op you story has stuck a cord with me . I was just were you are 8 years ago but I am was the female . Ex husband having a affair . He was cold and distant and had emotionally moved on etc . He was nasty also and destroyed my self confidence making me out to be paranoid when all the time he was the one having the affair . He has 2 phones etc .

He got caught and there relationship ended . He came back begged forgiveness and we attended counseling. I remember my attitude at the time he was my husband and I still loved him I was going to forgive him and make it work . I remember this unnatural high that we were going to start again and rebuild and all would be ok etc . He was so genuinely sorry etc and I believed in the marriage.

These feelings didn’t last . As months rolled on the resentment settled once he felt he had me back etc all efforts stoped anc I gradually realized hold on it’s all about him and ultimately I could not regain the trust I just couldn’t do it . I was right to be wary 9 months later there was someone else he had no intention of trying to save a marriage but was just holding out for the next best thing to arrive . He had got away with it I had forgiven and it was a green light to do it again . A leopard never changes there spots as they say .

The marriage ended I am divorced and it’s the best thing ever happened to me . I would caution you to be very wary and to please thing rationally about this . You think you are ok but I can assure you it won’t last . Go back to counseling both singly and together.

Yellow pack crisps

If when you asked her the first time was she having a affair and she was honest That is something you can work on. She made you jump through hoops to find her out. There will never be honesty in your relationship, just a slow burning trail of suspicion, lies and make believe. If you can live with that, cool. What stood out for me is you were so happy to kiss like teenagers for the first time in years which has two truths to it.1. You are in complete denial. 2.she is able to throw you a bone and you will fetch. Raffles deserves better.

Ursus Horribilis

Funny how tears, begging for the truth, letters and counselling couldn't break this one down. But an email which gave her no room to hide changed her tune... I'm afraid I'd be very suspicious of her motivations. The coldness and cruelty with which she treated you speak volumes, as did the way she brazenly lied to you. I know you desperately want to save your marriage and that you're euphoric at the moment. But I can't help but agree with the others that you keep an individual counsellor's number on speed dial.

nikkibikki

I think you are actually relieved now OP. Now you know the truth.

If I were you, I'd love to know who sent the email. I'd say she's doing her own digging on that.

Has she changed the password on her phone?

Icepick

The key lesson here is what happened to your relationship before she had an affair.

Also blaming a very stressful job is nonsense. You either can deal with your job or you cannot. And if you cannot, either change your attitude or your job.

Neyite

Google Hysterical Bonding OP. You might find it helpful.

strandroad

What you're doing is basically leading a horse to water. Best of luck OP, honestly.

LegacyUser

Never expected this amount of replies, so soon.
Again, thank you all for your input.

There are answers I need to give, and as i said before, some things I need to keep to myself.
So, here goes.....

Colser: Yes. The circle has started. I feel doubt and confusion almost every day. I feel frustration and happiness in (un)equal degrees all the time.
I had to make a decision or else I'd be sitting on the fence mulling things over forever. If I'm wrong, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now I have to be positive.

Anna: I see your point - the password thing was an absolute kick in the teeth. ALL passwords have been changed now. I have complete access to all her social media outlets....and that's been reciprocated. She has access to all of mine. This is the rebuilding stage. I've got to start the trust-building somewhere.

QueenRizla: Apologies...Starting fresh was probably the wrong phrase to use here. I'm starting AGAIN. I know about the baggage. baggage can be discarded. I appreciate that I'm not going to forget about this, but I can TRY to repress my feelings for now. I'm aware that they'll still be there simmering under the surface, but as long as I try to remain focused, the positivity should follow.

BucketyBuck - vaild point. I appreciate the comment

Lazybones - Number isn't on speed dial, but it's there if I need it. I've spoken to a counsellor on my own - things are going slowly. No questions being asked....I'm just offloading, but it's an enormous relief for me. The more I unload, the more layers I uncover - it's like getting to the bottom of a hole. A fairly deep hole. Can't get into this too much, but as I've said before, I DO appreciate your comment.

Pc7: Dude....you're a shining light. I considered the source of the email. As I think I mentioned before, it was supposed to be from HIS wife, but the more I think about it, the tone and wording was all wrong. It definitely came from a man. The email doesn't really bother me....but your comment certainly got me thinking. Thanks.

taylor365 - Yep! my self esteem has taken a bit of a bashing. Right now I need positivity - and that starts with being happy. I am happy - or happier than I've been in a long time. Maybe it's just the physicality, or the intimacy. Maybe both. Not entirely sure. Just taking this step by step.

Alibab: sorry to hear you went through a similar situation, but delighted to hear you've recovered. Again, thank you for your comment - advice noted.

YellowPackCrisps: Think you're being a bit harsh....but it's your opinion, and I respect that. I'm not here to argue. I think it's tough for anyone who hasn't been in my situation to understand the range of emotions involved. Its a really tough place to be, emotionally and mentally. As I said before, I feel I have to go in some direction, and it might as well be this way for the immediate future.

UrsusH..: Thanks. Again, I see your point. Advice is only a phonecall away for me. I have confided in another person who's not a professional. They've been through a similar situation. the advice is comforting and makes sense. All I'm trying to do right now is be practical, rational and try to look at things logically. (obviously I'm focusing on the POSITIVES)

NikkiBikki: You're so right. Relief that it's out in the open. Relief that I'm sleeping. Relief that I've got some sort of appetite back. Relief that I'm not suspicious of everything she does now. Still have doubts, but in my own mind, that's to be expected. Time will help.

Icepick: I've just started tracing things back over the past couple of days. You're right about the job and the pressure. Packing in the job and moving on is on the table at the moment. There are variables. He no longer works there, or indeed anywhere near, so he's out of the picture. We're talking about it. Lets just leave that one to one side for now (Thanks folks!)

Neyite: WOW! Eye-Opener. VERY Helpful. Thank you...honestly. Thank you.

strandroad: not sure how to take that, or what you're getting at. BUT, I appreciate the sentiment at the end. It truly means a lot.

Ok folks, it might be a while before I get back to you again. Tough couple of weeks coming up. We both have a lot of talking to do and a lot of self-reflection to consider.
Thank you all again....from the bottom of my heart.
I take ALL comments on board. They give me more to think about, and that's a good thing.
Thanks again folks
Fran

Neyite

There's a book that's often recommended for couples trying to mend a relationship after an affair - Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I've not read it but I know that many couples have found it massively helpful.

You've chosen the much harder path and I wish you all the best. I also hope very much that your trust does not get abused again.

Mind yourself.

LegacyUser

Well,
It's been almost two months since I last posted, and here's where I am now...

Firstly, I HUGE thank you to everyone again.
Neyite, your recommendation for the book "Not just friends" was a revelation - Thank you soooo much. It opened my eyes to a lot of things. I think my wife was surprised how accurate and in-depth it was. It's helped me understand why things went wrong, and when.
It's not just about finding the problems, but addressing them and ensuring neither of us end up in a similar situation again.

If anyone finds themselves in the same boat as me....or thinks that their partner may be in the initial stages of either an emotional or physical affair, you should get your hands on this book and read it....re-read it, and re-read it again.
The insights are invaluable.

Things have been going really well for the last 8 weeks or so.
We continue counselling, but at wider intervals. It gives us a chance to work on our marriage in our own time, and discuss things without having our reactions and opinions...i dunno, scrutinised??
At the same time, we have the outlet of utilising the Counsellor for more difficult issues, should the need arise.
This isn't about confrontation.
I don't think it's about even rebuilding trust (for now)....It's about belief.
Belief that we can make things work.
Belief in the remorse.
Belief in.....well, everything.

Trust will follow, but for now I'm working on belief.

My wife is more attentive to my needs and thoughts.
We had a tough night a couple of weeks ago when I had a bit of a meltdown.
It wasn't aggressive or anything like that....just very emotional.
Again, there were a lot of tears (from both of us) but we talked things through and came out the other side.

I've got a tough week coming up - Christmas parties etc.
I know this will involve drink, mixed emotions and thoughts, and more than anything else, the internal debate about where she is and what she's doing.
It's just one night, and if you've ever been through inner turmoil, you'll have a rough idea of where I'm coming from.
I can't keep her boxed up in a prison for the foreseeable future - that would just lead to resentment. So, it's one night out. I'm (kind of) comfortable with that.

I feel safe in the knowledge that the ****er who was the other party to the infidelity won't be around. - Actually I KNOW he won't be there, so that's a huge PLUS!
I'm confident that there's no-one else out there who can come between us.

I'm basing my logic on the basis that the aforementioned ****er was a preying, devious little ****** who turned her head when our marriage wasn't going too well, and told her everything he needed to tell her, to get his leg over.

I believe that she is remorseful, and can see that our relationship (going forward) requires openness, honesty and commitment.
I believe that in retrospect, she knows why this thing happened and has promised me that it will never happen again.
She knows that if it does, we're finished. No second chances. This is a one time deal.
She accepts this - knows that this is a two-way commitment and has signed up for life.

She's told me that she loves me....and not just in reply to me telling her - she volunteers it.
She'll come and hug me out of the blue - something which never happened before.
She sometimes even initiates physicality.
She's more caring, more attentive and more aware of how I'm feeling.
She'll come and sit on my lap in the evenings and just wrap her arms around me without saying anything.

I’m really looking forward to Christmas.
I know there are plenty of people out there who aren’t ….who are having real difficulty.
I’m counting myself extremely lucky and taking everything one step at a time.

Thanks again everyone.

Neyite

Delighted the book helped

It sounds very positive though and sounds like you both have done a LOT of work in such a short time. I often feel that staying in the aftermath has to be the harder option in the long run and the option that takes longer to work on and heal from so I really wish you all the best.

I wouldn't worry about the meltdown, those are fairly common in a situation like this so it all sounds normal. And you'll probably have a few more setbacks here and there before you feel fully out the other side.

Hope you have a lovely (and uneventful!) Christmas.

HelgaWard

I think you are amazing. You showed your wife how much you loved her, and that you were willing to fight for your marriage. She's a lucky lady. Best wishes to your family for a happy 2018.