Advice on how to help my disabled brother

piddif

Hi all

I have a brother (he is in his mid-twenties) who suffered brain damage when he was born. The damage was to his cerebellum, which has resulted in his speech being slurred and his balance and fine motor movement being quite bad.

Today he has achieved a lot in his life. He has a BA in graphic design and a level 8 in Web Development. We live in Ireland.

However there is one significant problem - he is quite unhappy. He was bullied in high-school right after the death of our father (he went to a different high-school to myself and the other brother, we had no idea at the time) and has failed to make friends at university and to this day his only real friends are his family.

The problem is that he is very shy and afraid of social interaction. He (somewhat rightly) believes that people judge him to be mentally handicapped based on his speech impediment and so avoid social interaction with him. This has happened in shared accommodation and at university.

My brother is convinced that he must improve his voice, which will allow him to socialise and so his problem will be alleviated. I believe that his voice can be improved, but I'm not sure how significantly. I have tried to tell him that yes, he should try to improve his voice/speaking/pronunciation, but that he should also be trying to improve his social skills in general. He does not agree.

He is also carrying a great deal of anger over the reason he has a disability - the hospital were at fault when he was born. This resulted in court proceedings being issued and the hospital settled out of court. My mother is also not the best emotional support (but fantastic re: taking care of legal proceedings etc) for this sort of thing and that is another source of contention for him.

We are three brothers and we are all very close. I love my brother to bits. He is a normal man who is trapped by his disability (speech impediment) in a way that he has not come to terms with yet. He has at times mentioned suicide.

My question is this: How can I help him? I wan't him to be independent, to be able to source help on his own and to overcome his disability in order to get out into the world and socialise. He has the potential do all these things, but he has extreme negative thought patterns which are are debilitating.

Are there councillors out there for people with disabilities likes this? Are there any books by people with disabilities who have over come their problems successfully?

My family are trying their best to help him without being too overbearing. He does not want to listen to any advice I have because I don't have his disability and therefore cannot understand his situation. I agree with this and have suggested researching into speech therapists and councillors. I have also suggested he join different groups in the city, like reading clubs, improv sessions, social anxiety groups etc. Perhaps I was wrong to do this? I would like to know how I can help him without being mean about it... which I sometimes feel I am. Please, if you can offer any advice, I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you.

Dizzyblonde

I have no personal experience of your brother's situation, but I stumbled upon this thread and I feel for him and for your family. I think contacting Enable Ireland would be a good place to start, they have locations around the country and hopefully will be able to help your brother.
Best of luck.

artvanderlay

Would he go to general counselling by himself? That line jumped out at me "...he has extreme negative thought patterns which are are debilitating." A good therapist could help him with the negative thought patterns and maybe acceptance of his condition. He sounds like he has a lot going for him, and it's a shame he's beating himself up about all this. Family is great, but sometimes they can be a bit stifling, and if he is shy, even chatting to a new person in the form of a therapist, might boost his confidence. If he has mentioned suicide even, that's tough on him and tough on you to hear that. Could you also talk to a good G.P. who might give some advice and refer you to relevant services, like mental health supports and possibly even speech therapy. Could he afford private speech therapy just to see what are the possiblities for him with that. Maybe improv, reading groups might be a bit daunting for him if he is shy and conscious of his speech...maybe something less pressured where he can be amongst people without having to talk too much initially would be better, just so he gets used to being around people.

You're a good brother, and well done on seeking help for him. Hope it works out. You can suggest all you want, but ultimately he has to decide what he is comfortable doing.

looksee

You said the issue was settled out of court. Presumably there should be funds for just this purpose, get private counselling and support. Ultimately he will have to want to do it himself, but you could make some preliminary enquiries about suitable people. The first counsellor is not always the solution, he may need to talk to two or three, which can be disheartening, to find someone he can get on with. This is perfectly normal and needs to be approached patiently.