Being so frugal is driving me mad

HeavyHeaded

I've always been very sensible with my money. I don't waste it but don't deprive myself. In the last two years I have moved to Dublin and feel like I have become so frugal. I get paid a decent wage. Not brilliant but enough to allow me to save about 500 a month. I resent having to pay ridiculous amounts for insurance, transport, rent etc to the point that it gets me so down.

I will save up over a couple of months and have a few thousand saved and then feel bad that I spend it on a holiday instead of saving it. I have some savings (18k approx) set aside for a rainy day but feel I should be adding to it.

I don't smoke, drink very little yet I feel like my money is always gone. I hate feeling so bad about it as I know I should be enjoying life as I'm only 32. But I panic that if I don't save every cent and then I need it for a really rainy day (buy a house, need a new car etc) that I will be putting myself in a difficult situation.

How can I chill out about this it's honestly driving me mental and causing me a lot of stress

leggo

Are you saving for anything in particular and immediate, e.g. a mortgage? If not, it sounds like you're doing pretty well in terms of financial planning, you could let yourself off the leash a bit to enjoy life a bit more. Keep the savings you have banked and maybe halve what you're currently saving, using the other half to do stuff with. Then when you've got something on the immediate horizon, like a mortgage, you can scale back on the enjoyment and save heavily again.

It's great to save and all so I absolutely wouldn't discourage it, but life is for living. If you're saving but sacrificing a life and your happiness as a result, what's the point to begin with? If you can do both, which it seems you can, then do it and don't feel bad about it.

evolving_doors

Any way you could ditch the car and use a bike?

Putting away €500 pm isn't bad on top of Dublin rent. I suppose it depends on setting goals...
If you're saving for deposit then find out how much you'll need + >10k rainy day fund.
What age do you want to purchase house too?
Holidays cam be expensive so maybe reevaluate what you want out of them and see if you could cut costs that way!

Feeling Guilty for spending money and the odd blowout is a waste of time though. Especially if you're still able to pay rent comfortably and save.

There's a 'frugal living' forum here somewhere so I'm sure others will give you a perspective on how they balance needs and wants. Edit: here it is http://touch.boards.ie/forum/1530/2

Maybe consider 'investing' some of your savings in a new hobby.

Passenger

At least you're fortunate enough to be able to save something and sensible enough to monitor your spending habits. €500 a month is decent savings, all things considered. You have to live your life at the same time so there's no point in depriving yourself either.

What is your end goal financially? To save for a house deposit, go traveling?

Living in Dublin, with the cost of rent that's around right now, and still managing to save €500 a month is a bit more than a "decent" wage.

baby and crumble

OP I'm 35 and tbh your post has depressed me because I have zero savings. Zero. No, sorry, I think I might have €400 in the credit union. Granted (thanks entirely to my partners savings) we own our own house, but I'd love to be putting away €500 a month in savings- it's just not possible for me at the moment. You should be really proud of what you're doing, well done.

HeavyHeaded

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I hate feeling so bad about it as I know I should be enjoying life as I'm only 32. But I panic that if I don't save every cent and then I need it for a really rainy day (buy a house, need a new car etc) that I will be putting myself in a difficult situation.

This problem (and it is a problem) usually stems from either upbringing or an experience. Were you raised in a poor or extremely frugal household? Have you had times in your life where you were completely broke and in a bad way because of it?

I would honestly consider counselling on the subject.

HeavyHeaded

I had a normal upbringing. We weren't rich but I never wanted for anything.

I've had the same savings for maybe 3 years now and though I have added to it I've taken it back to travel. Asia, Australia, America etc and I love to travel but I guess I feel guilty because I'm older and maybe should be settling down.

I don't have immediate plans to buy a house. To be honest spending half a million on a house is just more than I would be willing to spend. I think I would resent the house if that makes sense.

It's really frustrating. For example if I go out for a meal and it's not nice I feel resentful that I wasted money and it bothers for a few days. I have no guilt when it brings me joy. I guess I hate waste.

silverharp

Maybe consider buying a place ? Then at least you are putting your savings to work and you will probably be able to pay off chunks of your mortgage along the way.
At the moment it sounds like you have no plan which is probably part of the stress.

baby and crumble

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I've had the same savings for maybe 3 years now and though I have added to it I've taken it back to travel. Asia, Australia, America etc and I love to travel but I guess I feel guilty because I'm older and maybe should be settling down.

Don't wish your life away, OP. Travelling is investing in your future, because when the time comes to settle down (maybe you're single or not at the moment, I dunno) you can look back on your life and have no regrets. I was never able to travel like you have, I just couldn't afford it, all my money went on my education. I'll be honest, I have a horrible feeling that when I'm 50 I'm going to look at my 20's and 30's and think I should have done more, seen more.

Do you want to settle down? Do you have a partner? Are you in your "career" job? If not then why get ahead of yourself? Pressuring yourself to do things on everyone else's time frame is really pointless. You'll resent that more than anything.

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I don't have immediate plans to buy a house. To be honest spending half a million on a house is just more than I would be willing to spend. I think I would resent the house if that makes sense.

Well you don't have to spend €500,000 on a house. That's mad money. Decide on your budget (ours was forced on us by our mortgage allowance!) and do it that way. I have a friend who pretty much bought the same house as we did (in an estate, 3 bedroom, garden, etc), just in a "nicer" part of Dublin. Ours cost €170,000, his cost €420,000. We didn't buy too far apart in timing either. You cut your cloth to suit your measure.

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

It's really frustrating. For example if I go out for a meal and it's not nice I feel resentful that I wasted money and it bothers for a few days. I have no guilt when it brings me joy. I guess I hate waste.

You probably need to figure that out, OP. Disappointment is part of life. You can't know what you like without experiencing things you don't. Sometimes you make massive mistakes with money. I know I have. But getting bothered for days about a meal that wasn't as nice as you wanted is a bit worrying.

Dr Crayfish

I fail to see why you're stressing out, you're saving more and probably have more savings than anyone I know, and I'm 36. You're doing everything as you're supposed to do. Loosen up a little and spend maybe? Although, I have a friend like you, who is hard to be around actually, because anytime we do anything that costs anything he can't enjoy it as he's spending money.
Like the above poster my place only cost 170k-ish at the time, close enough to town, but in a "nicer" area it could cost 300k. You don't need to spend anywhere near 500k on a house.

Honestly if you're unable to enjoy your life because of spending money, and everything costs money, I'd say there are deeper issues at play here that you might want to look into.

HeavyHeaded

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

I fail to see why you're stressing out, you're saving more and probably have more savings than anyone I know, and I'm 36. You're doing everything as you're supposed to do. Loosen up a little and spend maybe? Although, I have a friend like you, who is hard to be around actually, because anytime we do anything that costs anything he can't enjoy it as he's spending money.
Like the above poster my place only cost 170k-ish at the time, close enough to town, but in a "nicer" area it could cost 300k. You don't need to spend anywhere near 500k on a house.

Honestly if you're unable to enjoy your life because of spending money, and everything costs money, I'd say there are deeper issues at play here that you might want to look into.

I'm not saving though. I haven't saved in years because I've spent it all and feel bad even though I've spent it on sensible things. I have no idea why I feel bad. I think the possibility of something coming up and me not being able to afford it panics me. I see friends buying houses and I'm not in a position to as I don't want a house in Dublin but I work in Dublin so I'm torn.

baby and crumble

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I'm not saving though. I haven't saved in years because I've spent it all and feel bad even though I've spent it on sensible things. I have no idea why I feel bad. I think the possibility of something coming up and me not being able to afford it panics me. I see friends buying houses and I'm not in a position to as I don't want a house in Dublin but I work in Dublin so I'm torn.

What on earth could come up, in an emergency, that will wipe out €18k? Seriously?

HeavyHeaded

baby and crumble wrote: »

What on earth could come up, in an emergency, that will wipe out €18k? Seriously?

I know!!!! But I can't help the panic or what if my car decides to stop working as I need it to get to work.

I know it's all very stupid but it feels everyone is buying houses and having big weddings and I panic thinking I'm doing something wrong

Bambi985

I know the feeling OP. I'm the same age as you and a big saver, I have a significant chunk nestled away and growing at a decent rate, but when you see friends throwing 30k at a wedding and then getting into a 500k mortgage and having babies all in the space of a few years, you can tend to think "WTF?? How am I supposed to afford all of this?? How does anyone afford all of this??"etc and you can end up going down a rabbit hole of "I'm not doing things right".

I guess you have to be strong and not be taken in by the "I'M 32 I SHOULD BE GETTING MARRIED AND GETTING A HOUSE AND HAVING BABIES" societal pressure that can set in at this age, and remember who YOU are and what YOU actually want. I don't know if you're single or otherwise, but gently remind yourself that travel is important to you, it's your passion and you've been responsible about budgeting to allow for it - so stop beating yourself up about that as a first port of call. You'll never regret travelling at any age, it broadens the mind and is an education like no other so to that end, that's been your personal investment the last couple of years.

What I'd then do is sit down with a pen and paper and write up a couple of medium and long term financial goals, so that you can at least feel like you're on a road to somewhere and that might allay your guilt over spending money on things that you want. What do you hope to accomplish in the next five years? Buy property or rent long-term? Could a wedding be on the horizon? Or starting a family? Perhaps a long trip to somewhere you haven't been yet? Define some goals and set out a budget for yourself - how much you'd need for each and how much you should save per month to allow for that. Factor in "social" money too as there'll always be a wedding or a weekend trip or a birthday or night out to put a dent in your pocket - that's not frivolous spending, that's just life for most people.

Perhaps it's even an idea to visit a financial advisor to get a bit of professional insight into how you can organise your finances in line with your goals and feel less guilty for spending money on LIFE, which is essentially all you've been doing.

You sound very responsible and copped on and perhaps just need a little guidance on how to best manage your money so that it's not on your mind all day every day and you can stop regretting big spends on things that weren't ultimately worth it in your mind - which happens to us all, all the time!

evolving_doors

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I know!!!! But I can't help the panic or what if my car decides to stop working as I need it to get to work.

I know it's all very stupid but it feels everyone is buying houses and having big weddings and I panic thinking I'm doing something wrong

I think you're coming to the 'grass is greener on the other side of the fence' part of your life. It's probably more of a life stage you are at than a financial quandry (which is why you probably mentioned 'big weddings' too).

Look, sure we all measure ourselves against our peers, but when it comes to money everyone is in a different place. I know one guy who had been saving since working on a farm as a teenager and eventually bought his house outright, another who pisst around while waiting for their folks to die and collect the inheritance! Others who got a loan from parents to get a deposit. Others who just slogged it out on their own for years for a deposit and got stung at the height of the boom. Another one who had a favourite spinster aunt who left him a house out of the blue!

Unless your financial circumstances change, you just got to cut your cloth to measure. Forget about buying a house at the moment if it's too expensive, who knows the market could crash again and you'll be just in time!

Don't apologise to anyone, you're playing with the hand you've been dealt (:Dwithout starting a life of crime). Go easy on your own head.

HeavyHeaded

Thanks all for the words of wisdom

Yes I'm in a long term relationship. While marriage might be on the cards a big wedding certainly isn't so I don't have that saving worry.

I guess people put on a front about having money and affording houses and cars etc when we don't know where that money came from

I guess I'm at an age where I feel I should be sensible with my money. Everything I saved in the last year went on a month in Australia over Christmas and I have no regrets however I do feel it was a lot of money that could of upgraded my car etc.

Dr Crayfish

Upgraded your car, come on is that really a necessity? I share the use of a car with 3 others, some beat up old Toyota, and I love it!
Are you trying to keep up with the Jones's to some extent? Do you worry about other people's perceptions of you? What about your partner, is she worried about money? Seriously, chill out, you are earning plenty, and between you and your partner if you wanted to get a mortgage you'd get a pretty decent one by the sounds of things. Life isn't fair really, for anyone, and no one has it easy, you're in a good position trust me!

retro:electro

Op you're in a very fortunate situation. I would wager that most people your age, myself included, are living week to week with no savings.
18k savings for "a rainy day" is very admirable. Well done. There is no need for you to be so uptight about money- you're doing well and should relax and enjoy it a little more, no doubt it's hard earned.

HeavyHeaded

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Upgraded your car, come on is that really a necessity? I share the use of a car with 3 others, some beat up old Toyota, and I love it!
Are you trying to keep up with the Jones's to some extent? Do you worry about other people's perceptions of you? What about your partner, is she worried about money? Seriously, chill out, you are earning plenty, and between you and your partner if you wanted to get a mortgage you'd get a pretty decent one by the sounds of things. Life isn't fair really, for anyone, and no one has it easy, you're in a good position trust me!

I don't mean upgrade to a 2017 Audi. I currently drive a 2003 but need it to get to and from work and it's been having issues lately. I panic I will need to upgrade and currently my car as an 2010 is 10k+ .

I'm not as snobby as I'm coming off. I don't care for brands or fancy things.

Ursus Horribilis

Were you always this uptight about money? I'm not sure that advice anyone can give to you that'll change your mindset. There seems to be something deep-seated at the back of it. What does your partner have to say about this fixation? You don't need me to tell you that it has the potential to scupper your relationship down the line, especially if household bills/costly kids come along.

baby and crumble

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I guess people put on a front about having money and affording houses and cars etc when we don't know where that money came from

My advice to you is definitely stop comparing yourself to others. I have friends from school so comparable upbringing and age and all of us are living very different lives. Some have kids, some bought houses, some built houses on family land, some are aggressively single and I'm getting married this year and bought a house a few years ago. But all of us are happy in our own ways.

I've also realised that even though I have no savings and am only just on my career track proper at 35, lots of my friends and aquintances see my life as something to aspire to. I don't say that to brag. But they see me getting married, decent job and a nice house. But that doesn't mean I'm better or more successful than them. And half the time I'm looking at the same people who are single or going on holidays all the time thinking "lucky feckers".

And you're right, nobody knows how or wherefore I am paying for my wedding, or my house, or our car or whatever. It's nobody's business. And tbh I don't think many people care and if they do good luck to them.

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I guess I'm at an age where I feel I should be sensible with my money. Everything I saved in the last year went on a month in Australia over Christmas and I have no regrets however I do feel it was a lot of money that could of upgraded my car etc.

You ARE being sensible. But you can't be sensible all your life or you'll find yourself at 50 with a house and 2 kids and no memories and no stories to tell those kids. I see it with my Dad. He was an amazing Dad and looked after us all but he had no life once we were born. And he regrets it now.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Yellow pack crisps

Your problem is really that you're a worrier, thats what you need to fix. As things stand you have a awesome life.

Neon_Lights

I would speculate OP and accumulate wealth, you have a nice little Pot there to dabble some amount with

HeavyHeaded

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Your problem is really that you're a worrier, thats what you need to fix. As things stand you have a awesome life.

You are completely correct there. I totally worry, irrationally. I know that myself as it's in all areas I worry not just with money.

Teyla Emmagan

Anxiety. Sounds like you you have taken all your anxiety about everything and just fixated on the money part of your life. Anxious when nothing is wrong is how I am, you sound similar. Not bring able to control your thought patterns. Bit of CBT and mindfulness is great for it. "Recognise the thought and let it float away". I went on a day course with Padraig O'Morain. Was very helpful, you could give it a shot.

Galbin

You strike me as someone who has anxiety. I honestly feel that some cognitive behavioural therapy might help you not just with this, but the general anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety over the past few years myself and found CBT very helpful.

Romantic Rose

In the wise words of Dolly Parton...

'Don't get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life'.

That's all.

HeavyHeaded

Any help to feel less worried and anxious over stuff would be great.

To not be panicking about things that haven't happened. Worrying about money in a ridiculous way.


I will look up CBT not, not sure I've ever heard of it.

Teyla Emmagan

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I went to see a psychologist in a local clinic for my anxiety and he did a few sessions on CBT with me. It's all basically about not letting the things you are worrying about affect you. It helps you control your thoughts, in other words. For you, obviously, it will be fretting about money. Give it a shot, you sound like you are being eaten up.

dellas1979

Well, up to 30 years of age, I saved everything I could. I was afraid to spend on anything! I didnt understand it myself. By 21, Id lived in a few different countries, and believed Id seen it all.

I saw it as saving for my future. Wasnt sure what in my future I was saving for.

But then I realised I wasnt living in the present.

So, I bought myself a new car (cash-yes thats how much I was saving), and then went off travelling and having a great olde time.

It was (and still is) an investment in me. Giving me opportunities to grow and learn etc.

What I did to calm the fears of spending/saving money is (am like the Imelda Marcos of bank accounts):
- Ive one account with a large lump sum. I dont touch this. I let it sit there accumulating interest.
- Ive a bank account for hols etc. An an ejoying myself bank account.
- Ive a rainy day bank account (if I need car repairs etc)

I juggle money and savings between these. I still cant quite get my head around how someone would spend on something frivolous and that they cant afford. If I want a new handbag, Ill save up for the handbag.

And, well, right now, am in process of trying to build my own home. I have to say, if Id saved everything and held on to it all, Id be able to pay more than half the build straight away.

But I dont regret for one second spending my money on me!

messy tessy

dellas1979 wrote: »

- Ive one account with a large lump sum. I dont touch this. I let it sit there accumulating interest.
- Ive a bank account for hols etc. An an ejoying myself bank account.
- Ive a rainy day bank account (if I need car repairs etc)

Excellent advice! Will be copying this approach.

La.de.da

OP you seem to be in a great place financially and that's great. Fair play to you.
However what good is working so hard and saving if you can't enjoy the fruits of your labour?

I would suggest maybe getting some counseling. You shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying and treating yourself. You're right to be cautious and have a little saved for the future. But life's unpredictable......

Talking to someone might give you some perspective on what you want to do in your life.

HeavyHeaded

dellas1979 wrote: »

Well, up to 30 years of age, I saved everything I could. I was afraid to spend on anything! I didnt understand it myself. By 21, Id lived in a few different countries, and believed Id seen it all.

I saw it as saving for my future. Wasnt sure what in my future I was saving for.

But then I realised I wasnt living in the present.

So, I bought myself a new car (cash-yes thats how much I was saving), and then went off travelling and having a great olde time.

It was (and still is) an investment in me. Giving me opportunities to grow and learn etc.

What I did to calm the fears of spending/saving money is (am like the Imelda Marcos of bank accounts):
- Ive one account with a large lump sum. I dont touch this. I let it sit there accumulating interest.
- Ive a bank account for hols etc. An an ejoying myself bank account.
- Ive a rainy day bank account (if I need car repairs etc)

I juggle money and savings between these. I still cant quite get my head around how someone would spend on something frivolous and that they cant afford. If I want a new handbag, Ill save up for the handbag.

And, well, right now, am in process of trying to build my own home. I have to say, if Id saved everything and held on to it all, Id be able to pay more than half the build straight away.

But I dont regret for one second spending my money on me!

Thanks for the tips. That's kinda what I do. I have my "chunk" saved in one spot but haven't added to it in about two years. Interest isn't great on it either.

I think if I actually had a solid plan I wouldn't be as panicked it's not knowing that makes me panicked because I don't know what I'm aiming for. There's always the fear of becoming unemployed, though unlikely it's always possible.

So many what it's that a normal person wouldn't think of..

Get this book.

Helped me a lot.

miss nesbit

HeavyHeaded wrote: »

I had a normal upbringing. We weren't rich but I never wanted for anything.

I've had the same savings for maybe 3 years now and though I have added to it I've taken it back to travel. Asia, Australia, America etc and I love to travel but I guess I feel guilty because I'm older and maybe should be settling down.

I don't have immediate plans to buy a house. To be honest spending half a million on a house is just more than I would be willing to spend. I think I would resent the house if that makes sense.

It's really frustrating. For example if I go out for a meal and it's not nice I feel resentful that I wasted money and it bothers for a few days. I have no guilt when it brings me joy. I guess I hate waste.

I 2nd a lot of whats already been said. To change your mind set you need to practice it. Next time that happens say to yourself in your head 'i CHOOSE not to be bothered by this'. Its your choice how you want to react to it so force youself to react differently. Practice practice practice