My Attitude to Alcohol

NinetyTwoTeam

OP I hate to spoil the ending but the cutting back just won't work. You'll be right back at square one.

You can't have serious intentions about tackling an alcohol problem while simultaneously planning for a night of drink in the future!

A night out where, if you did manage to stay sober up til that point, you'll be highly likely to 'reward: yourself with a massive bender, made even more dangerous by your tolerance now being lower. It's what they call in the program 'half measures', they are fuelled by denial, and they will lead to nothing but a firm reminder from the universe that you are an all or nothing type of person, and moderation for you is a fantasy. You cannot control your drinking once you get started.

And I guarantee you won't stop after the one night, you will probably drink in the following days if there is money to do so.

This isn't me lecturing or judging you, alcoholic behaviour follows certain patterns which are common to those who 'can't stop once they pop'.

Every day all I do is keep avoiding taking the first drink. That's priority one. Because without that first drink, I cannot get drunk. And without drink, my life is calmer and happier and whatever problems are there I can cope with them sober and no use them as an excuse for the high stool where I will only end up adding a hangover and an empty pocket to them.

Do it for yourself OP and once you're off it a good while you will feel so good you may not even desire that night out. (Or at least you will realize how messed up it is, to see how much better sobriety is and still desire to get drunk, and maybe then you will get an accurate picture of the true depth of your issue.)

tomwaits48

there's a really good forum on reddit called /stopdrinking which may help you OP.

Stonedpilot

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

OP I hate to spoil the ending but the cutting back just won't work. You'll be right back at square one.

You can't have serious intentions about tackling an alcohol problem while simultaneously planning for a night of drink in the future!

A night out where, if you did manage to stay sober up til that point, you'll be highly likely to 'reward: yourself with a massive bender, made even more dangerous by your tolerance now being lower. It's what they call in the program 'half measures', they are fuelled by denial, and they will lead to nothing but a firm reminder from the universe that you are an all or nothing type of person, and moderation for you is a fantasy. You cannot control your drinking once you get started.

And I guarantee you won't stop after the one night, you will probably drink in the following days if there is money to do so.

This isn't me lecturing or judging you, alcoholic behaviour follows certain patterns which are common to those who 'can't stop once they pop'.

Every day all I do is keep avoiding taking the first drink. That's priority one. Because without that first drink, I cannot get drunk. And without drink, my life is calmer and happier and whatever problems are there I can cope with them sober and no use them as an excuse for the high stool where I will only end up adding a hangover and an empty pocket to them.

Do it for yourself OP and once you're off it a good while you will feel so good you may not even desire that night out. (Or at least you will realize how messed up it is, to see how much better sobriety is and still desire to get drunk, and maybe then you will get an accurate picture of the true depth of your issue.)

This would involve him admitting he is alcoholic to avoid drink entirely. Highly unlikely with the level of denial going on.

As with many many alcoholics it can take a real 'fright' to admit being one. Some have to be seriously hospitalized and some will never ever admit it, invariably drinking themselves to death. Seen it many a time in people.

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Stonedpilot

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Sorry to hear but many alcoholics will drink themselves to death or to insanity such is the extent of the denial.

The OP if what he/she is saying is in a bad way and won't accept it thus continuing the destructive drinking.

MrJones1973

You sound like you have a great social life! Try limiting booze to the weekend only. Take a day off and write down all the trouble this has been causing you. Go into great detail. Then write down a positive overview of what you want to be-ie the alternative you. Focus on that. See a counselor that is a must but I would not run down to AA-AA is not as successful as people make out. It does not work for everybody. Some people successfully reduce intake without total abstinence
A mate of mine had serious issues with booze a few years back. Lost his marriage over it but what turned him around was a book-RECOVER by DR PEELE

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the advice, I value each and every post.

So, it's the Saturday morning after the Friday night before - and I'm not hungover. On the face of it, that might not sound like much of an achievement but, considering how I've always drank on Friday nights - whether with cans at home or out with friends - it certainly feels different.

It's also a surprisingly refreshing experience. On Saturday's I'm always lazying about, lacking productivity and brooding over regrets from the night before. But today, here I am, watching my flatmate recover from what seems like an interminable, toxic hangover. Without wanting to engage in Schadenfreude, I am, I must admit, relishing the sight.

Today is Saturday, though, and that comes with its own set of challenges.

I hope to replicate my latest "success", staying home and remaining productive. This week, I've only drank twice - Monday and Wednesday. In previous weeks I drank 4-5 times per week, two of those times being Friday and Saturday nights. So compared to previous weeks, I've had a very good week.

Strangely, last night I didn't feel the urge to purchase alcohol.

I knew I wasn't going out with friends but, given those circumstances, I usually wander over to the local store and purchase 8 cans. Last night, though, I felt no such compulsion. I think commentary from this thread, combined with the legitimate fear for my long-term health, has catalyzed a repulsion to alcohol I hadn't hitherto experienced.

I'm not suggesting I've made it, nor am I suggesting I've taken every necessary step back from the precipice - it would be nothing short of folly to think this. What I am saying, though, is that I'm ebbing away at the issue, recognizing there is a real and serious problem, and countering it as best I can.

Sure, there will be challenges ahead - but I hope, given the substantial progress I've waded through this week, that I have reason to be yet more hopeful for the future.

Thanks again for your advice. Keep it coming. My liver sends its regards, too.

bikubesong

Hi OP, I'm glad you're feeling so positive.

I've been reading this thread but held back from posting - other posters articulated the advice I would have given, and I think you've had some really good advice to mull over. I'm sober nearly a year myself, and it's not for say that you're an alcoholic - only you can make that distinction.

I would just caution you to be wary over the coming weeks and months. If moderation works for you and you can continue to drink at a 'manageable' rate, then that's brilliant, but you will be part of a very lucky minority. Don't underestimate how easy it is to slip back into old habits. Two nights this week, two nights next week, three nights the following week...and soon you're back where you were when you wrote your opening post, likely with some new problems/another friendship lost to boot.

I wish you the best of luck.

sarahf2k16

drinking_away wrote: »

I think I may have a problem with alcohol. I'm not suggesting that I'm an alcoholic, nor am I asking for any diagnosis. I've opened this thread to discuss my attitude to alcohol, how damaging it has been to my life and what advice you may or may not have to help me recalibrate my focus.

In summary, I regularly binge on alcohol even when I have little funds. I'd spend well in excess of €50 on one night - the last weekend, I binged Friday, Saturday, Sunday and last night. I don't drink to "drown my sorrows". I simply enjoy socializing with friends and my significant other. However, these regular binges are coming at a significant cost - and not just financial. Over the past decade, I've probably lost over two dozen good friends due to something I've said or done while drinking. That being said, the vast majority of times when I drink, these negative episodes don't happen.

Drinking is also impacting my work productivity. I've even missed important deadlines as a direct result of consciously choosing to go out. I almost never go out for 2-3 pints; it always leads to at least 8 drinks, a blank phase and getting up too late the next morning. That being said, I don't think I have a problem with drink per se - in the "dependent" sense. I don't feel cravings for the substance. I simply think I've underestimated how damaging alcohol consumption has been to my life.

With these broad contours in mind, have any of you experienced something similar and what advice can you offer me? I regularly try to limit my alcohol consumption but I've seldom reached beyond 5 days before the aforementioned binges commence. Again, I'm not looking for anything diagnostic here. I'd like to hear what advice you have for me and how you read my situation. Sometimes it's good to hear outside perspective.

Hi there,

I can relate a lot to your post. I was concerned about my drinking for many years - I always acknowledged I had a problem (found it very difficult to try drink without getting drunk/blackout) but could never imagine that I could be an alcoholic - I didn't want to not drink, I just wanted to control it.

After many more years and blackouts I finally accepted that I cannot control it. Sure I can manage a few nights/weeks but I was never going to not blackout.

I stopped obessessing over whether I was an alcoholic or not - whether I was bad enough to be one - I have a feeling you've had the same thoughts for some time now. I fully appreciate how daunting the idea of not drinking is and how people struggle to see alcoholism as anything less than physical dependency. I realised I didn't have to take that risk - I didn't have to wait for it to get any worse.

I never had a physical dependency in the sense that I could go days or weeks without a drink but once I took that FIRST drink, there was no telling how the night would end! So I stopped... After years and years of wanting to or not wanting to.

I am now a year sober and finally have some peace of mind. Everything got better. Friends and family adjusted to the idea. I forced myself not to care what others thought (the fear/shame of being a dry sh1te) because guess what? I didn't give a f**k what people thought of me when I did drink (nothing was my fault, I didn't MEAN to get drunk and say/do that) so why care of what people think of me being sober? I spent enough time trying to be the craic in the pub with great success socially only to feel miserable and resentful in myself behing closed doors. All I wanted was to feel happy in myself - and I am finally getting there.

I don't want to say you're an alcoholic. Maybe you are, maybe you're not. I knew drinking was not going to end well for me - I was hoping/waiting for the sense to kick in someday.

The question is do you want to be thinking/feeling the same about your drinking in 10 years time? Do you want to wait for one more horrible thing to happen to stop? I was sexually assaulted in a blackout when I was 18 but didn't stop drinking for 7 years afterwards - that wasn't enough to make me control my drinking yet I was too ashamed to tell people cause surely that would make me an alcoholic? It took a few months of being sober to realise how erratic my thinking and behaviour patterns really were in the past.

I hope reading this offers some insight. Your post made me think of an article you might like - http://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/third-door

QueenRizla

drinking_away wrote: »

Thanks again for your advice. Keep it coming. My liver sends its regards, too.

Advise you keep your posts, in future if you ever decide to come down to earth and seriously address your addiction they will give you a good laugh.

doylerkelly

I'm so glad I came across this thread OP as it totally relates to my life. I lost my marriage and a lot of friends through alcohol. I can blame nearly every bad thing in my life on my alcohol behavior. I turn into a different person when I'm drunk. I cant have 1 or 2 I have to keep going until I cant get any more drink. It messes with my head and causes me nothing but anxiety and depression for days afterwards.
People may ask 'Then why drink', because it is an addiction. I say i'm never drinking again, then next thing I promise myself 'Ah I will just have 1' and then that's when 1 turns to 2 then 3 etc
I've missed out on so many things due to been hungover, events with friends I was to go to, id cancel at the last minute cause i'd be too hungover. I've taken a lot of advise myself from the good advise you have received on this thread, so thank you to all other posters that have given the OP advise as I've taken it on board myself. Alcohol can be dangerous if you rely on it. I wish you all the best OP I really do know how hard it is.

Chancer3001

This thread has opened my eyes to my own addiction too.

Clearly addicted but like a smoker who tries to quit and fails ... you have to WANT to give it up be able to stop.

And I'm not there yet. I'm still in the "sure it's mighty craic" headspace even tho I'm slowly realising that's bollox

LegacyUser

I was hoping that this thread would help others and, sure enough, it has.

Let's keep that productivity going.

I managed to survive the weekend, something I hadn't managed to do in many a year. In fact, it's almost been an entire week since I last had a sip. The good news is that I don't feel a compulsion to do so, either.

Two weeks ago I drank upwards of 5 days for the week (3-4 days in the weeks previous). Last week, I reduced my drinking to 2 days. This week, I'm hoping for just 1 day of drinking. If I can rigidly maintain this standard, I'll be doing very well in the months ahead.

Even during that 1 day, I want to try and limit my consumption, not falling back into bad habits and overconsuming to compensate for my abstinence during the rest of the week.

I'll let you know how it goes.

For those interested, what's keeping me going is this:

a) Massively increased cost savings (€100-150 a week saved minimum)
b) Innumerable health benefits - weight loss, liver, cholesterol, blood pressure improving
c) Most valuable; waking up fresh every day and being 100% productive
d) Not sinking into depression knowing I did regretful action(s) the night before

Alcohol is a veritable negation of all of the above.

It's dawning on me, as I hope it dawns upon those with the same affliction, that alcohol is simply not worth it anymore.

alittlescared

OP, I hope you are getting on well and staying positive.

This thread struck a chord with me. I have had similar experiences to many posters regarding their experiences, especially sarahf2k16 below (sorry to hear of your assault). I highlighted the parts below that relate strongly to me.

I have also had experiences with other alcoholics between friends and family and know exactly what it is like to deal with it from the other side.

I have posted in the Non-drinkers forum the odd time over past 2 years about my relationship with alcohol.

I can go weeks without it. I'm currently about 5 weeks sober. I never drink during the week. It's just if I do happen to go out on that Saturday with the lads, I promise myself I'll sip my pint, I'll have water in between, I will take breaks...but I never do. I get in rounds, drink as quick as everyone else and next thing you know, black out. If I have any more than 3 pints, it's a guaranteed blackout. Very very strange things have happened during a few of these blackouts, I probably should be dead based on 2 of these, just pure luck I'm not. Most of the time I'd be fine, make it home to bed and just write the night off as a success even though I don't remember the majority. I'm always nice, coherant, pleasant to be around, good craic etc. Only I can't remember it. It's the 1 in 10 times that it goes a bit bat**** crazy that scares the absolute crap out of me.

I've stopped for months before trying to "reset" whatever is in my brain that won't allow me remember, or just go out and have 3 pints and be happy with that. I've moderated slowly coming back on to the pints. A few weeks later, I'm back at square one. I just cannot control myself once that first drink is had. I love being out with everyone, especially day time sunny pints. But is that just a cover for my love of alcohol, I don't know?

I am very scared of quitting altogether for the "dry ****e" reason sarahf2k mentioned, what my friends would make of me and the fear of not being included because I don't drink. A lot of people will say, are they your real friends then. I know they are and I know they'd probably still accept me. I just don't have the courage. And that's the main issue, I do not have the courage to go tee total. I know I have the will power to do it but not the courage.

My OH knows I have some difficulty with booze, but not everything and not what happens on the random blackout nights. The fact I need to hide this is a bad thing.

Luckily, we have had kids recently and this means I can't go out as much as I once did so things have calmed down a lot which is great but I still have the odd night out/wedding where I drink a lot and don't remember much. I still attend concerts where I can't remember seeing the act I've paid good money to see. I make excuses to drink. Sure you've gone 5 weeks without, you deserve a night out. You're at your friends wedding/stag, lets get sh!tfaced. I get frustrated because I know I shouldn't but I want to be included but I don't want to blackout but I want to have the craic and be good craic but I don't want to let anyone down but the night will be more fun. It's a vicious thing that is eating me up inside and I know the only way to stop it is by quitting. But I'm a chicken who can't.

Others have mentioned https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/ it is a very good resource with high user numbers. It is mostly american though so can be culturally different. There is an irish sub but it's not too frequented.

Another resource I've found is Hello Sunday Morning. It is an Australian ran website promoting soberness. It is a nice website which people contribute to and you can set yourself goals to reach.

Please excuse the rambling in my post, I'm sorry. I just need to get it out as I don't talk to anyone about it. I'm not addicted, I just can't control it. I understand this and someday I hope I just knock the whole thing on the head.

OP I hope you get an understanding of your situation.

sarahf2k16 wrote: »

Hi there,

I can relate a lot to your post. I was concerned about my drinking for many years - I always acknowledged I had a problem (found it very difficult to try drink without getting drunk/blackout) but could never imagine that I could be an alcoholic - I didn't want to not drink, I just wanted to control it.

After many more years and blackouts I finally accepted that I cannot control it. Sure I can manage a few nights/weeks but I was never going to not blackout.

I never had a physical dependency in the sense that I could go days or weeks without a drink but once I took that FIRST drink, there was no telling how the night would end! So I stopped... After years and years of wanting to or not wanting to.

I am now a year sober and finally have some peace of mind. Everything got better. Friends and family adjusted to the idea. I forced myself not to care what others thought (the fear/shame of being a dry sh1te) because guess what? I didn't give a f**k what people thought of me when I did drink (nothing was my fault, I didn't MEAN to get drunk and say/do that) so why care of what people think of me being sober? I spent enough time trying to be the craic in the pub with great success socially only to feel miserable and resentful in myself behing closed doors. All I wanted was to feel happy in myself - and I am finally getting there.

I don't want to say you're an alcoholic. Maybe you are, maybe you're not. I knew drinking was not going to end well for me - I was hoping/waiting for the sense to kick in someday.

The question is do you want to be thinking/feeling the same about your drinking in 10 years time? Do you want to wait for one more horrible thing to happen to stop? I was sexually assaulted in a blackout when I was 18 but didn't stop drinking for 7 years afterwards - that wasn't enough to make me control my drinking yet I was too ashamed to tell people cause surely that would make me an alcoholic? It took a few months of being sober to realise how erratic my thinking and behaviour patterns really were in the past.

I hope reading this offers some insight. Your post made me think of an article you might like - http://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/third-door

LegacyUser

Jaysus the denial! Stop patting yourself on the back for cutting down. You haven't given up! It's responsible for a whole lot of sh*te in your life and yet you want to hold on to a smaller part of it. Doesn't that in itself tell you something, that you won't or can't just quit it!? You'll be back to square one if not worse after one bad night. It isn't sustainable.

Bambi985

I think if you can take one thing from this thread OP it's that you are not alone in this. It's shockingly common and what's more, hidden in plain sight among all the "craic" and "banter" and "let's get hammered wahey!" that you see on the Irish social scene. It's clear that a lot of suffering and pain goes hand-in-hand with that and it's something I've even stopped and thought about since reading through all the stories in this thread. Are more of my "heavy drinking" "great craic" friends going through this too?

Anyway. You seem smart and level-headed and determined to figure this one out and I wish you the very best of luck and health in the months and years ahead.

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zoobizoo

The interesting thing about the "you're a dry ****e" attitudes is that people are so concerned about the opinions of others.


Once you can get over that, it makes it a lot easier.


When you start taking control, you'll feel more empowered.

Yes those friends who know you for the way you were will have to adjust to the way you are now. And if they are mature they will.

Can you imagine going out for dinner and deciding not to have dessert and everyone taking the piss, telling you you've changed, and making a decision not to invite you out again ...... wouldn't happen.


And your new friends, the ones you make who like to get up and do stuff, like to go on adventures, or runs, or surfing or whatever... they'll know you for being the non drinking you....

zoobizoo

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I remember him. They had an intervention for him after they found him face down in the sand on a beach one night.


Irish culture has us drinking at 16, college at 18 and being bombarded with drinks promotions, start work at 21/22 and after works drinks.....

I was sooooooo drunk last night..... is a badge of honour, not shameful

it was only when I went abroad that I realised the extent of our drinking culutre.

LegacyUser

Ahherenow71 wrote: »

Jaysus the denial! Stop patting yourself on the back for cutting down. You haven't given up! It's responsible for a whole lot of sh*te in your life and yet you want to hold on to a smaller part of it. Doesn't that in itself tell you something, that you won't or can't just quit it!? You'll be back to square one if not worse after one bad night. It isn't sustainable.

I'm not patting myself on the back. I'm trying, as best I can, to voice progress. If I had spent the last 10 days drinking heavily, you would similarly have criticized me. In your eyes, it's a lose-lose situation.

I drank once over the past 8 days, that time was yesterday - I had 4 drinks over a period of 5 hours.

I was not even tipsy, let alone drunk. I was home early and had no hangover. I've since had a highly productive day. The experience has taught me that it is possible to go out, have 2-3 drinks, enjoy yourself without having to go too far and suffer the many real consequences sketched out in this thread.

I hope to replicate this experience next week, becoming more accustomed to moderation mid-week and no alcohol at weekends. I think I'm on the right path, despite the profligate negativity of your post. That would make 2 days of moderate drinking in a 20 day period.

Dr Crayfish

drinking_away wrote: »

I'm not patting myself on the back. I'm trying, as best I can, to voice progress. If I had spent the last 10 days drinking heavily, you would similarly have criticized me. In your eyes, it's a lose-lose situation.

I drank once over the past 8 days, that time was yesterday - I had 4 drinks over a period of 5 hours.

I was not even tipsy, let alone drunk. I was home early and had no hangover. I've since had a highly productive day. The experience has taught me that it is possible to go out, have 2-3 drinks, enjoy yourself without having to go too far and suffer the many real consequences sketched out in this thread.

I hope to replicate this experience next week, becoming more accustomed to moderation mid-week and no alcohol at weekends. I think I'm on the right path, despite the profligate negativity of your post. That would make 2 days of moderate drinking in a 20 day period.

Well done, just be careful it doesn't slowly slip back into the way things are, which can happen. I think I drank 3 times in 2 months a while ago, which is very little for me, so I allowed myself a bit more, but then it snowballed. The more I drink, the more I tend to drink! You may have normalised getting 8 cans on a Friday, as if it's not that much, but if you hadn't drank in a while, 4 would probably have the same effect.
It seems like a lot of people on this thread almost want you to fail and know you better than you know yourself, don't mind them. Try the moderation thing, if it doesn't work, go back to the drawing board and see where you're at. Personally I know a few people that used to be proper messers, on alcohol and drugs, but now have families and sure they like a drink now and again but it doesn't negatively impact their lives.

zoobizoo

Hope it all goes well for you. I don't think anyone wants you to fail. I reckon that people who've either been through it or have seen people go through it have heard a lot of excuses / reasons to continue etc and may not have encountered a successful moderation attempt.

drinking_away wrote: »

I was not even tipsy, let alone drunk.

Just with regards to the above, that you weren't tipsy or drunk.... with that in mind, why drink then if you aren't doing it to get some form of buzz?

As in, if you aren't getting tipsy or drunk, why not just get a non-alcoholic beer and avoid all risk?

QueenRizla

OP, agree with above poster, people in recovery from addiction would read a lot of delusion hiding behind flowery language and bravado in your posts. Fair play if you manage to contain your drinking, if you can't just be open to acknowledging that and going into a residential programme where you can properly address the psychological issues.

LegacyUser

drinking_away wrote: »

I'm not patting myself on the back. I'm trying, as best I can, to voice progress. If I had spent the last 10 days drinking heavily, you would similarly have criticized me. In your eyes, it's a lose-lose situation.

I drank once over the past 8 days, that time was yesterday - I had 4 drinks over a period of 5 hours.

I was not even tipsy, let alone drunk. I was home early and had no hangover. I've since had a highly productive day. The experience has taught me that it is possible to go out, have 2-3 drinks, enjoy yourself without having to go too far and suffer the many real consequences sketched out in this thread.

I hope to replicate this experience next week, becoming more accustomed to moderation mid-week and no alcohol at weekends. I think I'm on the right path, despite the profligate negativity of your post. That would make 2 days of moderate drinking in a 20 day period.

No, drinking is a lose-lose situation for someone with a drinking problem!

Eimee90

Your opening post, OP, used formal language almost to try to normalise the fact you have a problem with alcohol. You asked everyone not to diagnose you, yet presented severe issues with abstaining from alcohol and then asked people what they think. I think you already knew, OP, but wanted an absolute confirmation which is great, fair play. Now where to from here,

Just read the thread, well done, OP,

Noo

zoobizoo wrote: »

it was only when I went abroad that I realised the extent of our drinking culutre.

I didnt realise the extent of our drinking culture until I moved to Australia.....and Australians aren't known for their sobriety, so that's saying a lot.

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LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

That question has been asked twice now; I'd best address it.

I think it's possible to go out, enjoy the experience of alcohol, without letting it get to a point where you become too happy/giddy for your own good.

I guillotined the evening at the point where, if I had the fifth drink, I knew it would very likely result in a sixth, or perhaps a hangover or something worse.

Two to four drinks is my new limit. It allows me to enjoy alcohol, the environment and company I'm with, without going too far. I wasn't tipsy, nor was I drunk - but I enjoyed the relaxing time I had.

I hope that serves to clarify the issue.

zoobizoo

One of the best things my grandmother ever asked me was:

"And would you ever have 8 pints of tea on a night out?"


It got me thinking about the amount of liquid I was consuming. I wouldn't drink more than two or three cups of coffee or tea from the time I wake til the time I sleep.

It reframed the way I viewed things.

Drumpot

drinking_away wrote: »

I was hoping that this thread would help others and, sure enough, it has.

Let's keep that productivity going.

I managed to survive the weekend, something I hadn't managed to do in many a year. In fact, it's almost been an entire week since I last had a sip. The good news is that I don't feel a compulsion to do so, either.

Two weeks ago I drank upwards of 5 days for the week (3-4 days in the weeks previous). Last week, I reduced my drinking to 2 days. This week, I'm hoping for just 1 day of drinking. If I can rigidly maintain this standard, I'll be doing very well in the months ahead.

Even during that 1 day, I want to try and limit my consumption, not falling back into bad habits and overconsuming to compensate for my abstinence during the rest of the week.

I'll let you know how it goes.

For those interested, what's keeping me going is this:

a) Massively increased cost savings (€100-150 a week saved minimum)
b) Innumerable health benefits - weight loss, liver, cholesterol, blood pressure improving
c) Most valuable; waking up fresh every day and being 100% productive
d) Not sinking into depression knowing I did regretful action(s) the night before

Alcohol is a veritable negation of all of the above.

It's dawning on me, as I hope it dawns upon those with the same affliction, that alcohol is simply not worth it anymore.

You mentioned all the issues you have had with Alcohol. You have stated that you managed to "survive the weekend" ? Once you start drinking you have to fight off your urge to drink more alcohol to "survive" ? These are your words. .

There was a story I heard about a man who was addicted to jaywalking. He just loved the buzz of walking on front of cars and dodging them. As a young man he had the energy and fitness to make sure he didn't get knocked down or hit. It was such a rush. After his first accident, he was in hospital and was advised to stop this damaging behaviour. "The older you get and the more damage you to your body, the harder it will be to recover" he was told". The man thought to himself, "but I really enjoy running on front of cars, whats the harm?"

When he got out of the hospital he made an effort to reduce down his Jaywalking but very quickly thought that the fun outweighed the risk. And sure what was the harm anyways, he had only injured himself and was still very mobile. So, accident after accident happened, he hurt different parts of his body.. Each time he was advised to stop hurting himself and each time he came up with reasons why he should continue on in his self destructive behaviour , no matter the consequences to his job, his family or his health... It even started to hurt other people as the people in cars knocking him down went through traumatic pain wondering what they could of done or if the accident was their fault..

Was this not a crazy thing for somebody to do ? To persist with an activity that seemed to cause so much damage to them physically and emotionally? Does this sound like somebody who sees the damage they are doing to themselves or those around them ? Do you really think that causing life issues drinking to excess or J-Walking are that different ? Swap running on front of cars with drinking alcohol.

He may choose areas where there are slower cars . He may choose a road that is easier to run across or a road that might not be as dangerous, but he still puts himself in harms way to get that buzz. . This is no different to experimenting with different drinking techniques, trying different alcohol, different pubs, drinking at home, forcing yourself to leave an event at certain times etc. . It really isn't that different, yet when its a J-walker its obvious madness, when its alcohol doing the damage people have an in built prejudice that prevents them from seeing it clearly. (Moment of clarity !)

I don't speak from an Ivory tower , I speak from personal experience. I speak as somebody who tried tapering off drink, somebody who had nights when I felt I had the solution. I remember one night drinking a glass of wine with my wife and leaving the remainder in the fridge . . Wow, what a success, we both thought . . I could go weeks without drinking, so I was not obsessed with drinking , right ?

No, my obsession was with controlling my drink. My obsession was about drink on a level that I hadn't considered. I was obsessed with not drinking near the end of my drinking days. I was scared of drinking, of what might happen when I drink, but I thought if I sorted out my head, my drinking would sort itself out. . This never happened.

I am physically sober over 4.5 years at this stage, but what you don't realise starting out is that it takes a long time to get mentally sober. I tried doing things on my own but I was relying on my own flawed thinking to help me get out of a hole. My own denial and skewered thinking made that impossible. I lied to myself "I can sort out my drinking myself", but really I didn't want to pass over the responsibility of my rehabilitation to somebody (therapist) who might actually tell me that the solution is to completely stop drinking.

In many cases, the last person to realise they have a problem is the person themselves. I was one of these people and see it all the time. I see people coming into AA with stories less dramatic then the OP and they cant see what is obvious to normies (people who don't have addiction problems).

My wife is my barometer in terms of normal drinking. Its amazing the amount of abnormal drinkers in this country. Not all are alcoholic, but drink is a massive problem.

The OPs description is textbook stuff. Having to put so much effort into controlling your drinking alone is enough to warrant external help. While you might think that "fixing this problem yourself" will yield greater results, my guess is that deep down you know you have a problem and bringing an impartial therapist into the equation will mean you have to face up to the problem properly.

I had the phone number of a therapist for 4 months, while I spent time doing exercises like yours. Controlling my drinking, patting myself on the back for having a night where I drunk and didn't wake up with more regrets. I had set the bar so low, it wasn't hard for me to justify my "progress".

There was a time that I might of been more soft with how I would respond to these kinds of posts. But I have learned there is nothing I can say that will make you or any other person drink. If your sobriety is decided by what an anonomous person on a forum says, then you don't really have a hope. Another thing people in denial do is blame somebody or something for their drinking. People have traumatic and upsetting experiences in their lives, but not everybody turns to mind altering substances to help them overcome it. If default to drink or take mind altering substances anytime your are upset you have a problem and an unhealthy way of dealing with life events that everybody has to deal with.

I really hope that the OP (and people reading this thread who have expressed concerns about their own drinking) are the exceptions and that you figure out a way to continue a life with drink not being a problem. But, I have listened to far too many stories like yours that don't end up with a happy ending. .

Suicidal thoughts can start to become like more natural solutions (then giving up drink completely). When my thinking was abnormal (controlled drinking is abnormal), then it makes sense that my thought process and reasoning is not normal. It makes sense for me to discuss my thinking with an impartial person (professional or not the person who sits at the bar beside me) to check to see if I am not out of my depth...

I know other people are supporting you OP and I hope it helps you get to where you need to get. But I think you have posted enough warnings to suggest that a complete abstinence from drinking is what you need for your "survival".