husband/partner on dating site - advise please

NM

Hi all,

Just wondering what you would do, if you found out that your husband / partner was on a dating site...?

I haven't confronted him yet, have know for a few weeks... to be honest I'm not sure I have the energy to deal with the implications (war). We have a young baby who hardly sleeps so my brain is fried and not sure if I'm thinking straight.

To put into context...we have been having a though time, due to a lot of external stress factors such as finance, lack of family support etc. There is also a lack of intimacy, which I'm mostly blaming on the different stresses and my extreme sleep deprivation  (I Max get 2-4 hours a night), my partner blames the lack of intimacy on me solely.
We have 2 older kids too, the oldest is being assessed for autism, which has shown to be a lengthy and (also) stressful process. So I suppose there's a lot of stuff going on in the background...

However, to me it's a major deal breaker to deliberately use a dating site, while in a relationship (regardless of the state of the relationship). His profile has an easily recognisable profile photo and a profile text mentioning looking for like minded and sex!

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Feeling oddly numb :-(

leggo

Your instincts aren't wrong. Even during stressful times, when you marry someone your commitment is to looking for ways to make your partnership work before looking for it elsewhere. Be prepared for denials, lies, the whole shebang whenever you confront him over it.

But also you have to think: what do you want to happen here? Let's assume he's met up with people off it and had sex (since that seems to be his intention and it almost doesn't even matter if he was successful in doing so or not)...are you willing to forgive that and try save your marriage if he is too? Or do you want to end things?

If it's the former, then confronting him as calmly as you can in a safe space (safe meaning an environment that he's going to feel he can open up to you, with a view to coming clean and saving your marriage) and trying to talk things through is your first step.

If it's the latter, then I'd start making preparations for separation before confronting him. Get your plan in place, seek legal advice regarding the house, custody of children etc, then hit him with the facts armed with all of that.

NM

leggo wrote:

But also you have to think: what do you want to happen here? Let's assume he's met up with people off it and had sex (since that seems to be his intention and it almost doesn't even matter if he was successful in doing so or not)...are you willing to forgive that and try save your marriage if he is too? Or do you want to end things?

Thanks!

It's very hard to know what is the right thing going forward. We have 3 kids to consider too.
Maybe it was all harmless?

lifeandtimes

NM wrote: »

Thanks!

It's very hard to know what is the right thing going forward. We have 3 kids to consider too.
Maybe it was all harmless?

I wouldn't say harmless but it may be a case of him lookong for an ego boost due to the lack of intimacy.

However this is not your fault in any sense,as you have a young baby I'm sure your body is srill out of sorts after the birth and this couples with lack of sleep is enough of an excuse not to be intimate for a while,especially if you have 2 other children he should know this.

If he wanted to really be intimate he would do everything in his power to make it easier for you,take the baby so you can get a few hours kip,prepare dinner and sort out the other children for bed etc. Well this is what I did and it worked wonders.

But instead he sets up a profile on this site.

You will need to confront him and find out of he did cheat or not and then it's up too you to believe him or not.

After that then you can decide if you want to make the relationship work.

And I'll say it again none of this is your fault

messy tessy

NM wrote: »

His profile has an easily recognisable profile photo and a profile text mentioning looking for like minded and sex

I'm really sorry but this bit doesn't sound like it's in anyway harmless.

Big Bag of Chips

As a couple you are going through stresses. But he has chosen to deal with that by signing up to a dating site. Don't let him use the excuse of stress or lack of intimacy or anything else as reasoning for it. You're going through similar and you didn't feel the need to sign up (although, I'm sure you're probably thinking even if you had the inclination to do it, where would you find the time!)

Isn't it well for him with 3 young children to have the freedom and time to be looking for "like minded for sex". I think you have to say it to him. For one thing, he's using his real photo, so who else in your locality has seen him? Be prepared though for it all to be twisted to be your fault. He'll be like a cornered rat and will look for any way out.

He'll drip feed you half truths: He'll blame his friends (it was a laugh). He'll blame you (he's getting no attention). He'll admit he set it up, but it was only because he was curious, he didn't intend doing anything. He hasn't met anyone. If you find out he has then it'll be her fault for stalking him and not taking the hint.

You need to tell him you know. You can't go on living together and pretending you don't. But, as you rightly say, you need to prepare yourself for what will happen afterwards, and it is likely you will see and hear a side to him that you've never experienced before. It doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship, but unless he starts being honest, then what chance has it got. He won't be honest at first, you can prepare yourself for that, but as time goes on, he might realise what he's risking.

njs030

To add to the excellent advice from bboc above be prepared to hear that it wasn't him, he knows nothing about it and it must be one of his friends setting him up "for the craic".

judeboy101

He could be used as a catfish profile? Is he half decent looking?

RoebuckWilson

notjustsweet wrote: »

To add to the excellent advice from bboc above be prepared to hear that it wasn't him, he knows nothing about it and it must be one of his friends setting him up "for the craic".

Adding to this, in a been-there-done-that situation. Denial is incredibly likely. It's emotionally taxing no matter what you do. Consider getting 'evidence'. Hopefully you'll be wrong. I wasn't however.

leggo

judeboy101 wrote: »

He could be used as a catfish profile? Is he half decent looking?

The second she brings it up, she'll be able to rule this out or not based off his reaction. If he gets in any way defensive, the jig is up. Personally if I heard someone had been using my photo on a dating site, I'd piss myself laughing and feel a little flattered and ask to see it. But it's not something that would in any way stress me or cause me to get defensive because I'd know I'd done nothing wrong.

NM

judeboy101 wrote:

He could be used as a catfish profile? Is he half decent looking?

Sorry not sure what a catfish profile is...take it means some sort of bait?

I am certain that he wrote the profile text himself. What he wrote about himself is correct and the style of writing is very much his.

What I'm not entirely sure about is his intention with the dating profile...

eviltwin

I would take screenshots of the profile in case it accidentally gets deleted.

The fact he's using his photo and not even attempting to hide his identity here is the most worrying aspect. It's like he doesn't care if he's caught.

How did you find out about the profile btw?

NM

eviltwin wrote:

The fact he's using his photo and not even attempting to hide his identity here is the most worrying aspect. It's like he doesn't care if he's caught.

eviltwin wrote:

How did you find out about the profile btw?

Went to use his computer to do the groceries online (my laptop went on a lenghtly configuration trip) name of site came up in drop down menu. Checked the site later when the doubt got the better of me.... it's was a free site where i could see profiles without being a member.

NM

NM wrote: »

Sorry not sure what a catfish profile is...take it means some sort of bait?

I am certain that he wrote the profile text himself. What he wrote about himself is correct and the style of writing is very much his.

What I'm not entirely sure about is his intention with the dating profile...

Catfish means it's a fake profile with his picture on it. Although these wouldn't normally have the correct name either.

Airyfairy12

He's considering cheating on you, that would be enough for me leave regardless of kids, finances and stress involved. They never change. Im not into online dating, I tried it a few times at the persuasion of some female friends but one thing that struck me was the amount of married men on these sites, it was enough to turn me off dating entirely.
Its basically an easy way for men to cheat and get hook ups, instead of randomly meeting someone and going through the whole getting to know them stage they simply set up a page, state what they want and wait for someone interested to get in touch. Did you look at the inbox or private messages on his dating page? That should give you a good indication of how serious he is.

Augme

NM wrote: »

Thanks!

It's very hard to know what is the right thing going forward. We have 3 kids to consider too.
Maybe it was all harmless?

If you think he looking to have sex with other people is harmless. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way either. I do think in situations like this the option of both of you having an open relationship should be explored.

NM

Augme wrote:

If you think he looking to have sex with other people is harmless. I don't mean that in a sarcastic way either. I do think in situations like this the option of both of you having an open relationship should be explored.

Not sure I would be able for that...

bmwguy

What about the lack of intimacy? A lot of men I know have been consigned to a sexless marriage in their 30s and 40s and they have all got it elsewhere.

It's going to happen. Can happen the other way around too. Bit much to expect him to have no intimacy. Don't mean to be harsh but that's not fair....

Whoopsy daisy

What about setting up a profile and messaging him, see how far he would take it and what kind of sneaking around he would do? I know with a baby and zero sleep it's the last thing u want to do but at least u would know what he's capable of
Maybe you could get a close friend to do it for u and send you screen shots of his replies

Airyfairy12

bmwguy wrote: »

What about the lack of intimacy? A lot of men I know have been consigned to a sexless marriage in their 30s and 40s and they have all got it elsewhere.

It's going to happen. Can happen the other way around too. Bit much to expect him to have no intimacy. Don't mean to be harsh but that's not fair....

Considering that the OP is stressed with trying to get her autistic child diagnosed, a new baby thats not sleeping (her body probably hasnt even recovered yet and her hormones will be all over the place), taking care of a third child, sleep deprivation, family and money problems, she's not a machine. Her partner is a grown man that should have some consideration and not be so selfish to wreck their marriage because she's not giving him enough sexual attention.
This is not her fault. He is wrong.

Macmillan150

Is there a real lack of intimacy? <SNIP>
If there is a real problem with lack of intimacy, this may be a sign of desperation in an otherwise trustworthy man. Don't lay the blame at his door unless I'm very far off the mark. Which of course I very well might be.

Ann84

Sorry OP but I think you know exactly what is going on, you read his profile and I am sure he put up his objectives on the site.
I think you are afraid of the reality that your marriage will likely be over if you raise this with your husband, or maybe you are thinking that it is already over and that scares the heck out of you as you have financial worries and 3 kids - totally reasonable reaction, however...

You can't bury your head.
You can say nothing, turn a blind eye and pretend he isn't dating other women, but you'll be forever waiting to come home to packed suitcases and him professing his love for another woman...
Or you can be honest for both of ye and confront him, ask him does he want to go to counselling, get off dating websites and try to salvage your marriage. He will say yes or no and you have your answer now and you can wake up tomorrow on the first day to a new life, with or without him...

Or you can decide just him going on a public dating site is too far for you, tell him to sling his hook and start rebuilding your life without him.

Whatever you decide, don't let fear make your decisions for you, don't be a fool. Life alone is a million times better than an unhappy relationship, sounds like your giving him a lot of excuses but frankly, both of ye made 3 kids, if he doesn't want to be a family to raise them, that's on him.
Don't give away your happiness putting up with nonsense, you deserve to be happy too

Wesser

sandraiwhite@ya wrote: »

Is there a real lack of intimacy? <SNIP>
If there is a real problem with lack of intimacy, this may be a sign of desperation in an otherwise trustworthy man. Don't lay the blame at his door unless I'm very far off the mark. Which of course I very well might be.

I think you need to read the posts again.

Really sorry you find yourself in this situation OP

It all depends where you draw the line I think?

- Going as far as setting up a profile
- Whether or not he's already acted on it (if you are able to trust any answer that isn't a denial)
- Whether or not there's anything he can show you from here that could leave you able to work on the relationship from here, if that's what you want based on the answers to the above

None of this is your fault, you've clearly got more than enough on your mind at the moment.

I would only say that it seems common under these types of stress for the woman to lose interest in intimacy, which (assuming, as seems only fair, that he is also under at least some level of the same stresses) is very likely to have been felt by him as a rejection and an additional stress on top of everything else, and right when this intimacy may have been most important to him.

That's no excuse, he's an adult with responsibilities.

But if this strikes you as completely out of character for him, it may be worth considering if you are of a mind to hear any pleas from him. If I can generalise, I think that in the main women really underestimate how much of a fella's self esteem, wellbeing, balance, whatever is inextricably tied to the health of his sexual relationship.

It might be viewed as akin to how (again this is generalisation) the stereotypical guy being somewhat oblivious to his partner's emotional needs over a long period can leave her doubting his commitment or feelings.

That may or may not be worth tuppence in the circumstances, as I said. I hope you get if nothing else clear and honest answers from him to give you a fair platform for whatever decision you make. Best of luck.

NM

bmwguy wrote:

What about the lack of intimacy? A lot of men I know have been consigned to a sexless marriage in their 30s and 40s and they have all got it elsewhere.

bmwguy wrote:

It's going to happen. Can happen the other way around too. Bit much to expect him to have no intimacy. Don't mean to be harsh but that's not fair....

Of course it's not fair. Just like it's not fair that I don't get sleep. Just like its not fair that i cant enjoy a glass of wine etc. Of course it's probably not entirely the same. But I suppose if you really can't just can't live with very little sex for a period of time and you just must go look for it elsewhere, then have the decency to leave the marriage first.

It's not as if I'm a sexless heartless being, I'm just a very tired overwhelmed busy mum. I'm not trying to make excuses, but when you breast feed you don't have much time to yourself or partner (at least not with this hungry baby).

Maybe I'm a bit square in my viewpoint, or maybe it is completely different for men and women. But I wouldn't start intentionally seeking out men while in a relationship! If I had the inclination to do so and was thinking about other men, it would be because I had given up on the relationship and there was nothing left for me. But I wouldn't act on it while still living together.

Macmillan150

Wesser wrote: »

I think you need to read the posts again.

My post was edited and isn't what I was trying to say at all

leggo

NM wrote: »

But I wouldn't start intentionally seeking out men while in a relationship! If I had the inclination to do so and was thinking about other men, it would be because I had given up on the relationship and there was nothing left for me. But I wouldn't act on it while still living together.

Okay OP, but that's your take, and your husband may feel differently. I'm not defending him at all, I've had your side all the way here. But you can't apply how you would feel if you were to do this as a substitute for talking to him and asking what his motivations are. If you want to know and try save your marriage, ask.

Again, I can't stress this enough, if saving your marriage is the priority then it's important you get honesty from him in confronting him. So if you spring it on him like a "Gotcha!" move, you're likely to just get lies. If you say it to him calmly, saying that your priority is to save the marriage, but you need honesty, then telling him that you know he's on a dating site and need to know everything or there's no saving it, then you have a chance at getting the truth. If he chooses to then lie to you anyway, blame it all on you and give you the typical excuses, you've got a decision to make with that in mind.

seenitall

NM wrote: »

Of course it's not fair. Just like it's not fair that I don't get sleep. Just like its not fair that i cant enjoy a glass of wine etc. Of course it's probably not entirely the same. But I suppose if you really can't just can't live with very little sex for a period of time and you just must go look for it elsewhere, then have the decency to leave the marriage first.

It's not as if I'm a sexless heartless being, I'm just a very tired overwhelmed busy mum. I'm not trying to make excuses, but when you breast feed you don't have much time to yourself or partner (at least not with this hungry baby).

Maybe I'm a bit square in my viewpoint, or maybe it is completely different for men and women. But I wouldn't start intentionally seeking out men while in a relationship! If I had the inclination to do so and was thinking about other men, it would be because I had given up on the relationship and there was nothing left for me. But I wouldn't act on it while still living together.

Hi OP,

So, you are getting angry. That's good, because you damn well should be angry. I had my doubts at first, because your opening post reads as very dispirited and confused, and that is easily understandable under the circumstances too.

The reason your man is being so brazen about trying to cheat is because he is counting on your confusion and general lack of initiative; he is the one who sees you the most, at home, struggling with an autistic child, a breastfeeding newborn and a third child, and he knows well enough that you will most likely be staying put come what may, at least for now; there is no one easier to get around, make a fool out of, or ride rings around, than a good natured person in a vulnerable position.

I have no practical answers for you; you are in a tough place and I don't want you to feel like you HAVE TO bring it all up with him, if you are actually scared to do so for fear of his reaction and things changing for the worse, not better.

Sadly, it reads to me that you may be justified in your assessment; if there would be "war", as you say, if you confronted him over this, than that really tells us all we need to know about the state of your marriage, its future outlook, and the character of this guy.

So I wouldn't be rushing into any confrontations, that will just potentially sap even more of your precious energy that you need for your baby, and are most likely to lead to more stress and a worse outcome anyway.

I would bide my time for now, if I were you. Keep your own counsel, and keep your eye on a much happier future for you and the kids. Gather evidence. Only confront him when and where you are absolutely ready for the "war", and the wars that will follow.

Need I tell you that I feel, from what you wrote, that your marriage, as a loving or supportive partnership, is dead in the water? Or that what your man is doing is (IMO!) completely irredeemable ? I think you've noticed that already.

The best of luck to you. Mind yourself.

Macmillan150

But you say yourself there is a lack of intimacy. You say your husband blames you for this so he has obviously spoken to you about his concerns. Why are you only getting 2-4 hours sleep if your husband has enough energy for this carry on? Things don't add up. You need to get more sleep by dividing childcare up. You need to express a bottle or let your husband do one night feed with formula. Something has to give here. And it's your marriage that's giving at the moment.
Some people feel a lack of intimacy more than others so you can't assume that your dh should just cope with it either.

NEhope

Snip... I'm not getting into this.

team_actimel

You need to sit down with your husband and address the lack of intimacy. Even suggest having an "intimate night" scheduled once a fortnight or every three weeks.

Keep a close eye on his presence on this dating website. If he is still active on it after you have tried to sort out your intimacy issues then confront him.

GingerLily

team_actimel wrote: »

You need to sit down with your husband and address the lack of intimacy. Even suggest having an "intimate night" scheduled once a fortnight or every three weeks.

Keep a close eye on his presence on this dating website. If he is still active on it after you have tried to sort out your intimacy issues then confront him.

I wouldn't be able to be intimate with my partner if I knew he was planning on cheating on me without confronting them at least first.

They're his kids too, why hasn't he put in more effort to actually looking after his family instead of burdening his wife with the lions share?

It's ridiculous the expectations that are put on some people, particularly new mothers, in relationships, until she's able to get a half decent nights sleep of course sex is going to be her last priority!!

team_actimel

GingerLily wrote: »

I wouldn't be able to be intimate with my partner if I knew he was planning on cheating on me without confronting them at least first.

They're his kids too, why hasn't he put in more effort to actually looking after his family instead of burdening his wife with the lions share?

It's ridiculous the expectations that are put on some people, particularly new mothers, in relationships, until she's able to get a half decent nights sleep of course sex is going to be her last priority!!

Has he not been putting in enough effort to look after his family?

I'm not excusing him and he is a selfish person for doing so but I really hope for the OP's sake that he has mistakenly signed up to this dating website and realises his mistake. I know I'm being naïve in saying so. With 3 children thrown into the mix we can't just advise the OP to dump her husband.
Many have forgiven and moved on after their other half's one indiscretion.
He might not have cheated yet and just sending ego-boosting messages.

GingerLily

team_actimel wrote: »

Has he not been putting in enough effort to look after his family?

I'm not excusing him and he is a selfish person for doing so but I really hope for the OP's sake that he has mistakenly signed up to this dating website and realises his mistake. I know I'm being naïve in saying so. With 3 children thrown into the mix we can't just advise the OP to dump her husband.
Many have forgiven and moved on after their other half's one indiscretion.
He might not have cheated yet and just sending ego-boosting messages.

The OP would have to confirm, but if she can't even get more than 4 hours sleep a night and he's got enough time and energy to be messing around dating sites setting up profiles and asking for s*x I do assume he's not pulling his weight.

I've not suggested she leave her husband, but the lack of s*x is a symptom of their dysfunctional relationship, not the cause. Ignoring the dating profile and jumping into bed with him won't actually fix anything except wear the OP out even more, I'm extremely worried about her mental state, I can't imagine how difficult her situation is.

woodchuck

GingerLily wrote: »

The OP would have to confirm, but if she can't even get more than 4 hours sleep a night and he's got enough time and energy to be messing around dating sites setting up profiles and asking for s*x I do assume he's not pulling his weight.

THIS!!! Times a thousand.

OP what exactly does your husband do to help out? Because it doesn't sound like enough from the sounds of things. He's got some nerve looking for sex elsewhere because you're worn out looking after the family. It says a lot that he's putting his own sexual needs above helping you out at home. I'm not saying to leave him, but there are obviously issues that need to be worked on.

NM

woodchuck wrote:

OP what exactly does your husband do to help out? Because it doesn't sound like enough from the sounds of things. He's got some nerve looking for sex elsewhere because you're worn out looking after the family. It says a lot that he's putting his own sexual needs above helping you out at home. I'm not saying to leave him, but there are obviously issues that need to be worked on.

I just want to clarify that my husband is helping out with the kids. There seem to be a misunderstanding that he is not helping out at all, and therefore have the extra time on his hands
He is a great dad and loves his kids.

woodchuck

NM wrote: »

I just want to clarify that my husband is helping out with the kids. There seem to be a misunderstanding that he is not helping out at all, and therefore have the extra time on his hands
He is a great dad and loves his kids.

Is he also only getting 2-4 hours sleep a night though? I find it hard to believe that he's doing anywhere near as much work as you do if he has time and energy to be on dating sites...

eviltwin

You have to talk to him OP, sooner rather than later. So far as you know it's just a profile on a dating site. The longer you sit on this the greater the chance it escalates to something more serious you may not be able to come back from.

I'd also check his profile again to see how long it's been active for. If this is a recent account that's one thing but this could be something that's been going on longer than you realise.

SB_Part2

woodchuck wrote: »

Is he also only getting 2-4 hours sleep a night though? I find it hard to believe that he's doing anywhere near as much work as you do if he has time and energy to be on dating sites...

If she's breastfeeding at night there is no real need for him to be awake. Unless you expect him to hold her boob for her.

lifeandtimes

SB_Part2 wrote: »

If she's breastfeeding at night there is no real need for him to be awake. Unless you expect him to hold her boob for her.

She can express milk and he feeds as well.

Maybe not immediately as young babies meed the bonding with mother but I did it with my partner to help her get some rest

SB_Part2

lifeandtimes wrote: »

She can express milk and he feeds as well.

Maybe not immediately as young babies meed the bonding with mother but I did it with my partner to help her get some rest

Maybe she doesn't want to express?

If it's a hungry baby as she said then she possibly could be up every 3 hours expressing as well.

Dee01

The issue is that he's in a dating site, not that he doesn't help. OP has clarified that he helps etc.

OP, If you're not happy with him being on a dating site, you need to face the war. You have a life, a home and three kids together. This has to be worth a conversation at least. No way I could ignore this if I knew.

daithi7

Dee01 wrote: »

The issue is that he's in a dating site, not that he doesn't help. OP has clarified that he helps etc.

OP, If you're not happy with him being on a dating site, you need to face the war. You have a life, a home and three kids together. This has to be worth a conversation at least. No way I could ignore this if I knew.

Absolutely, don't ignore this. The uncertainty Will eat you up and your husband/partner's behaviour may degenerate further. Make some space for ye to have a really good earnest heart to heart, say a Sunday lunch, walk, etc and see if you can get him to open up about this and then if you can move on from this. This is important, being an ostrich will do neither of ye any favours. Good luck op.

professore

It's not clear if the OP works outside the home or not. If he has a stressful job that requires a lot of brainpower then it is not reasonable to expect him to be up all night with the baby. He probably comes home to bedlam after busting his ass all day competing with people with no kids, getting **** for "taking a half day" listening to how hard his wife had it all day and how easy he has it.

You have a husband, he is as important as your kids are. When they are older, it will be just you and him. And if you want a husband that doesn't resent you, you will have to have sex with him a few times a month at least. How would you feel if he quit his job and sat round playing video games all day and ignored you? That's how he feels about you. Nothing in the marriage vows about that either.

Having said that, if he's on a dating site, you need to print out his profile and say what the **** is wrong with you to post a profile on here? If he is ashamed then you have a chance. If not then get divorced. It's a big line to cross. Also he's pretty stupid if he's posting his picture on a dating site in Ireland.

B0jangles

So much wrong with the above post - she should just shut up and put out no matter how she feels because if she doesn't 'take care' of her husband along with taking care of their children he'll resent her in the long-term?

How about the husband grow up a little and recognise that his 'needs' might be on the back burner for a while as long as there is a very young child to be cared for and another child is going through a possibly stressful process of diagnosis? Sleep deprivation is no joke.

He probably comes home to bedlam after busting his ass all day competing with people with no kids, getting **** for "taking a half day" listening to how hard his wife had it all day and how easy he has it.

Awww diddums, the poor wee pet


To the OP - I think that while the dating site profile is a very big problem in itself, it might be symptomatic of a deeper attitude problem you husband has to marriage and parenthood - you say he blames you solely for the lack of intimacy - the fact that he apparently is not taking the fact that you (both!) have a young baby to care for, as well as other children, into account suggests that either he has not really accepted that parenthood means your relationship will inevitably change to some extent, and/or that he doesn't really believe that the work you do in taking care of the children is 'real' work. In my opinion he needs to do a lot of growing up, and fast.

lifeandtimes

B0jangles wrote: »

Awww diddums, the poor wee pet

This comment is also an issue.

If he was to return home and say he was tired then his other half said this it does nothing but belittle him and the work he has done for the family.

Family it's not about who has it hardest, it's about supporting each other no matter how hard we each have it.

He may be wrecked but he needs to pull weight regardless and take some slack so his wife can rest and the opposite is true the wife needs to take some slack for him to make it easier for him. The mentality of wives or stay at home mams have a free pass to "having it the hardest" because they gave birth or stay at home all it's completely unfair.
She has it tough and so does he but both of them need to work together to support themselves and their family.

My opinion and how our family works is I return from work and take over duties for a few hours so my wife can rest,them I tag her in to take over so I can rest and once the kids are sleep and work is done we can both rest.

B0jangles

lifeandtimes wrote: »

This comment is also an issue.

If he was to return home and say he was tired then his other half said this it does nothing but belittle him and the work he has done for the family.

Family it's not about who has it hardest, it's about supporting each other no matter how hard we each have it.

He may be wrecked but he needs to pull weight regardless and take some slack so his wife can rest and the opposite is true the wife needs to take some slack for him to make it easier for him. The mentality of wives or stay at home mams have a free pass to "having it the hardest" because they gave birth or stay at home all it's completely unfair.
She has it tough and so does he but both of them need to work together to support themselves and their family.

My opinion and how our family works is I return from work and take over duties for a few hours so my wife can rest,them I tag her in to take over so I can rest and once the kids are sleep and work is done we can both rest.

My comment was in direct response to Professore's completely imaginary circumstance, not anything that is in actual reality. All we know from the OP is that she is worn out, there is nothing whatsoever to suggest that her husband is totally worn out at work at all. His scenario also compared her staying at home with the children with her husband quitting his job and staying at home playing videogames all day - effectively dismissing the work a stay-at-home parent does as totally valueless.

professore

lifeandtimes wrote: »

B0jangles wrote: »

Awww diddums, the poor wee pet

This comment is also an issue.

If he was to return home and say he was tired then his other half said this it does nothing but belittle him and the work he has done for the family.

Family it's not about who has it hardest, it's about supporting each other no matter how hard we each have it.

He may be wrecked but he needs to pull weight regardless and take some slack so his wife can rest and the opposite is true the wife needs to take some slack for him to make it easier for him. The mentality of wives or stay at home mams have a free pass to "having it the hardest" because they gave birth or stay at home all it's completely unfair.
She has it tough and so does he but both of them need to work together to support themselves and their family.

My opinion and how our family works is I return from work and take over duties for a few hours so my wife can rest,them I tag her in to take over so I can rest and once the kids are sleep and work is done we can both rest.

Yes of course he needs to pull his weight, but it gets very grating to hear every day how "easy" it is for him and how patenting is the hardest job in the world. You are not just a parent, you are also a wife or husband.

Why does it have to be about who has it harder anyway? It should be a mutual enterprise. OP I don't mean to suggest you are like this, I'm just throwing out ideas, as these kind of things are not the kind of things people see if they are doing it themselves.

professore

B0jangles wrote: »

lifeandtimes wrote: »

This comment is also an issue.

If he was to return home and say he was tired then his other half said this it does nothing but belittle him and the work he has done for the family.

Family it's not about who has it hardest, it's about supporting each other no matter how hard we each have it.

He may be wrecked but he needs to pull weight regardless and take some slack so his wife can rest and the opposite is true the wife needs to take some slack for him to make it easier for him. The mentality of wives or stay at home mams have a free pass to "having it the hardest" because they gave birth or stay at home all it's completely unfair.
She has it tough and so does he but both of them need to work together to support themselves and their family.

My opinion and how our family works is I return from work and take over duties for a few hours so my wife can rest,them I tag her in to take over so I can rest and once the kids are sleep and work is done we can both rest.

My comment was in direct response to Professore's completely imaginary circumstance, not anything that is in actual reality. All we know from the OP is that she is worn out, there is nothing whatsoever to suggest that her husband is totally worn out at work at all. His scenario also compared her staying at home with the children with her husband quitting his job and staying at home playing videogames all day - effectively dismissing the work a stay-at-home parent does as totally valueless.

Yes it was more of a possible scenario than an imaginary one. The OP is the only one who can know how accurate or otherwise it is. We are all agreed that the OPs husband is a douchebag.

professore

I take issue with the whole "putting his needs to one side" thing. Of course he is completely out of order putting himself on a dating site. However if he helps out with the kids and is otherwise a good dad and husband, as I see it there are only 2 possibilities:

1.He is an incurable cheater and ass and it's all for show
2. The relationship and communication have broken down to such an extent he took the cowards way out.

Putting your needs to one side completely starts off with the baby stage and never ends once you have kids. Is that the kind of marriage people want? Is that the example you want to set for your children?

Augme

You might have seen it OP but this thread is worth a read. I hope Mods don't mind me linking to another thread in the forum.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057766380

The thread is from someone who is in your husbands shoes. It might provide some more information for you.