I'm stuck, advice please?

diazaprob

Hey guys,

This may start off beginning like a work issue, but I think as we go on it may be more suited to personal issues. My background: male, mid-twenties, have a lot going for me I’ll admit, for example I’ve already completed a Level 8 degree and got a 2.1 in my Level 9 Postgrad.

Anyways, got a new job at one reputable company (I’m sure they probably can’t be named on here). Everyone is brilliant, so nice, I’ve made friends etc but it’s just not for me. It’s very phone based and that is just not my kind of work and it never will be. The problem is I’m at the stage where I’m taking 20-30mg of valium a day just to cope with this. I’m not a socially bad person but being in basically a call centre is not easy for me. For example I’m brilliant at all the admin work involved. I also cannot afford to leave this job, financially I have to be working, I’m sending out CV’s to more appropriate places, but I can’t bear another week in there.

If I was to leave I know my family, friends would be shocked, it looks like a great job from the outside. I don’t even know what I’m asking here. Taking a step down and working a retail job or something is something I feel like I cant do now either than I’m so qualified. I feel trapped I guess.

Any advice? Thanks in advance guys!

Airyfairy12

I think the real issue is your inability to deal with situations that you dont like. We'v all worked in jobs that we hated, I used to work in a nightclub to get myself through college, it was the worst job I ever had, customers starting fights with me for trying to clean tables, scrubbing vomit off toilets and piss off the floor, customers treating you like dirt, I had a customer aggressively fling a bit of lime in my face that she picked up off the floor and have been threatened with violence from customers while trying to take away the empty glasses off the table, walking home alone fearing they might be still outside.
Working in a clothing department mindlessly folding, hanging and sizing clothes 10 hours a day on repeat because as soon as youve tidied one area customers will have wrecked it 5 seconds later and then dealing with aggression and bullying from managers that think youre beneath them. I hated these jobs with an absolute passion but I never once felt the need to self medicate to get through them.
Im not trying to belittle you or your problem but I would find it concerning that despite everything else seemingly going well in your life (Good friends, family, well educated) a job you dont like (because its boring) has pushed you into taking strong medication to cope.

Your qualifications don't put you above retail work, there are thousands of graduates in Ireland working retail jobs to get by. The only advice is to continue sending cv's and applying for other jobs. In the meantime id be questioning your inability to cope with situations you find uncomfortable.

diazaprob

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I think the real issue is your inability to deal with situations that you dont like. We'v all worked in jobs that we hated, I used to work in a nightclub to get myself through college, it was the worst job I ever had, customers starting fights with me for trying to clean tables, scrubbing vomit off toilets and piss off the floor, customers treating you like dirt, I had a customer aggressively fling a bit of lime in my face that she picked up off the floor and have been threatened with violence from customers while trying to take away the empty glasses off the table, walking home alone fearing they might be still outside.
Working in a clothing department mindlessly folding, hanging and sizing clothes 10 hours a day on repeat because as soon as youve tidied one area customers will have wrecked it 5 seconds later and then dealing with aggression and bullying from managers that think youre beneath them. I hated these jobs with an absolute passion but I never once felt the need to self medicate to get through them.
Im not trying to belittle you or your problem but I would find it concerning that despite everything else seemingly going well in your life (Good friends, family, well educated) a job you dont like (because its boring) has pushed you into taking strong medication to cope.

Your qualifications don't put you above retail work, there are thousands of graduates in Ireland working retail jobs to get by. The only advice is to continue sending cv's and applying for other jobs. In the meantime id be questioning your inability to cope with situations you find uncomfortable.

Thanks very much for the reply, never expected one so quickly! My problem with the job is not that it's "boring", to be honest its actually far from boring and throws up some interesting situations! It's basically I can't do it properly as it makes me so anxious, so a valium (or two, or three maybe at this stage of tolerance) calms me and allows me to do it acceptably. My initial hope was that I'd gain the confidence while doing it with a valium to then be able to do it without one. I'm writing this and I realise it probably sounds like a fcuked up way of thinking.

I self-medicate because it works, and I'm posting here because I know its not a sustainable solution. I know at some point I'm going to have to stop, and then I'll get withdrawals etc. I know my attitude is wrong, I know I should be going in there with a "can-do" attitude instead of "I'll be fine because I have my valium". I'm considering taking a few days off at the moment, I can't continue to do this to my brain everyday.

And at the same time I'm applying for other jobs to get away from this one. I am honestly just confused and don't know what to do.

Thanks again for your reply.

dar100

Op what is the actually issue that makes you feel you need medication to cope with your job? It's not clear why you take them, other than you dislike the job?

Airyfairy12

Youre going to give yourself an addiction. What happens if dont like the next job? will you self medicate for that too? I just think you could benefit from learning some healthy coping skills to deal with your anxiety. Ive anxiety too and I understand exactly how much you can be totally overcome by it but theres other ways of dealing with it rather than creating a different problem that you'll have to cope with down the road in the form of withdrawals which are no joke either.

What is it about the job that you cant do? Does the company offer any training or are there any courses you could do to improve? Could you ask work colleagues for tips or help with the area youre struggling in?

Nobody wakes up everyday with a 'can do' attitude, we all have days where we'd rather stay in bed, particularly when we've got to go work. Do you find it hard to cope if things arent going very well for you or going how youd like them to?

Wesser

Where do you get the valium?
Is it on prescription or on the black market.

Wesser

Where do you get the valium?
Is it on prescription or on the black market.

You need to go to your GP and get set up on a detox programme.

diazaprob

dar100 wrote:

Op what is the actually issue that makes you feel you need medication to cope with your job? It's not clear why you take them, other than you dislike the job?

A fear of being inadequate I suppose.

diazaprob

Wesser wrote:

Where do you get the valium? Is it on prescription or on the black market.

Does this matter?

Wesser wrote:

You need to go to your GP and get set up on a detox programme.

I've been thinking about this, but also have no medical card, high rent, bills, loans to pay.

diazaprob

dar100 wrote:

Op what is the actually issue that makes you feel you need medication to cope with your job? It's not clear why you take them, other than you dislike the job?

It's a call centre, and it's never going to my thing, I can't deal with distressed customers etc. The job looks fantastic from the outside ie the job description, the company, the name of the role itself etc. But it's a glorified call centre and I am not able to pick up the phone and have 20 conversations a day with strangers about their problem and how I'm going to fix it. Valium gets me through this at the moment. I think that's as specific as I can be about it without maybe giving the company or myself away. I'm sure the industry has been well guessed by ye after reading this.

dev100

diazaprob wrote:

It's a call centre, and it's never going to my thing, I can't deal with distressed customers etc. The job looks fantastic from the outside ie the job description, the company, the name of the role itself etc. But it's a glorified call centre and I am not able to pick up the phone and have 20 conversations a day with strangers about their problem and how I'm going to fix it. Valium gets me through this at the moment. I think that's as specific as I can be about it without maybe giving the company or myself away. I'm sure the industry has been well guessed by ye after reading this.

Detach yourself from your customers problems no one likes to listen to people rant rave but just realise to not take it personally it's the system that they want to vent about .

You will experience all sorts of stresses with jobs no matter what job you are doing in the future but you learn how to deal with them thru experience.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Take it from.me & let me make a generalisation; lots of people would love to Fall back on the meds you use in situations that make us feel like your situation makes you feel.


Most of us don't and have not. Speaking on phones around colleagues hearing your conversation (with it probably some fumbles and waffle) exposes you for not being perfect & having an individual style. Dealing with customers can be damned difficult (even moreso when your company have **** policies etc). You're going to make some mistakes.
Public speaking is another area where these difficulties often arise.

Let me cut to the chase. At a similar age to you I would have had similar issues. I didn't medicate. I sucked it up, occasionally made a show of myself, I learned a tonne. The role(s) changed me in a positive way to be a better price person, calmer, rounder view of people & office life. But it wasn't easy & took me way outside comfort zone.

Seek advice- consuelling maybe. See a GP at min.
Confide in family or friends. We all need help at times.
Don't make excuses or try to rationalise why you are where you are - you know it's not the best way of getting on. Accept you need to change.
Do not use money as excuse. We have ample free and low cost supports in Ireland.

Honestly, best of luck.

diazaprob

Airyfairy12 wrote:

Youre going to give yourself an addiction. What happens if dont like the next job? will you self medicate for that too? I just think you could benefit from learning some healthy coping skills to deal with your anxiety. Ive anxiety too and I understand exactly how much you can be totally overcome by it but theres other ways of dealing with it rather than creating a different problem that you'll have to cope with down the road in the form of withdrawals which are no joke either.

What healthy coping skills are there? I don't want to be doing this, I'd much rather be coping like a normal person. And I also know withdrawals are no joke, which is a major reason I know this needs to stop.

diazaprob

dev100 wrote:

Detach yourself from your customers problems no one likes to listen to people rant rave but just realise to not take it personally it's the system that they want to vent about .

Sometimes I think I'm just plain over thinking it.

diazaprob

I've had past jobs where I've been perfectly fine. Never had to self medicate at college etc, and there are stressful situations thrown up there often as ye know (presentations and the likes). I've self medicated before interviews because of the nerves, the only one where I didn't self medicate, I got the job.

Also sorry guys I'm replying in bursts of posts I just can't multiquote

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baby and crumble

diazaprob wrote: »

A fear of being inadequate I suppose.

Op, I empathise. Particularly if this is your first "career" type job (seems like it might be, given your age and the fact you've done a masters too), it's easy to way overthink it. You feel like you have to be perfect at everything, particularly if you're working some sort of telephone line with folks ringing up to get you to fix their problems. It's easy to think you have to know all of the answers, all of the time.

That's impossible. You can't. I'm sure you have received a job description for this job, so check what it says. I doubt it says "must be an expert at all elements of the post immediately". You're allowed mess up, you're allowed not know things, you're allowed learn new things to help the next time. That's all anyone does in any job. I've been working in my sector for going on 20 years and I still learn new things every single day. So long as you're open and willing to learn that stuff. But self-medicating with Valium actually will do you more harm than good, because it'll dull your brain. That's kind of the point of it- it calms your brains workings to help get through stressful situations.

Look, you know this isn't healthy. Have you thought about talking to someone about your anxiety and fear of failure? It's something I struggle with a lot, and talking helps. There's a place for medication, but in your case it may not actually be necessary if you learn healthy techniques. Nobody can tell you what the best ones for you are, but for me, meditation, verbalising my fears with someone I trust, and learning to be ok with failure are what helps me most.

Your company may very well have an employee assistance program (EAP) which often allows you a few free sessions with a counsellor. Don't worry, the way you access them isn't via work, so work never have to know you've utilised it. They offer this stuff for employees because they know that all jobs can be stressful and anxiety inducing. So take advantage of that support.

Best of luck.

diazaprob

baby and crumble wrote:

Op, I empathise. Particularly if this is your first "career" type job (seems like it might be, given your age and the fact you've done a masters too), it's easy to way overthink it. You feel like you have to be perfect at everything, particularly if you're working some sort of telephone line with folks ringing up to get you to fix their problems. It's easy to think you have to know all of the answers, all of the time.

Yeah your right it is. Thanks I do think I am over thinking, but to stop doing it is easier said than done.

It probably is just a fear of failure, I've always had it in a way. I used to be a very accomplished footballer, and I was always motivated by a fear of losing rather than the joy of winning, I don't know if I'm rambling on here but it's probably related.

I might look into the possibility of my employer having a counselling kind of support system.

Thanks for all advice so far.

baby and crumble

I get it, I really do. I struggle with it- I think most people do to a point.

You just have to remember that you WILL fail at something, at some stage. If you don't fail you cannot possibly get better. If you never fail you simply stagnate and never develop.

I hope it's ok with the mods but I'm going to link a video that I recently watched and it's actually really helped me rethink some of my own head stuff around this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrhvsQRKVUU

mrsmags16

I don't know where you are getting the diazepam from but it certainly shouldn't be prescribed and you are in denial about your reliance on it. In my view that is the main issue that needs to be tackled.

diazaprob

mrsmags16 wrote:

I don't know where you are getting the diazepam from but it certainly shouldn't be prescribed and you are in denial about your reliance on it. In my view that is the main issue that needs to be tackled.

I'm sorry but I may as well have totally admitted my reliance on it. Either you are not reading my posts or you are taking them up wrong. Thanks for your reply all the same.

diazaprob

baby and crumble wrote:

I hope it's ok with the mods but I'm going to link a video that I recently watched and it's actually really helped me rethink some of my own head stuff around this.

Thank you I will watch this!

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diazaprob

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Teva.

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diazaprob

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No I am not. Teva is the name of the pharmaceutical company.

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Airyfairy12

My 70 year old auntie has terminal cancer and was prescribed 10mg of Valium, youre taking higher dosage than a terminal cancer patient. Even a doctor wouldnt prescribe her anymore than 10mg and youre self medicating with 20 - 30 mg.. because your job makes you feel inadequate.

Feeling inadequate will be the least of your problems if you carry on down this road.

Wesser

I think you are in denial about how serious this problem is.
Fobbing off questions about the source of your drugs tells me it is probably not legal.
You could get in really serious trouble with the law over this.
I am not try g to scare you, just get you to wake up!
You need professional help and if you can afford 30mg if valium a day then you can afford to see a Gp.
30 mg a day is a serious dose.
Do you drive?
Do you take valium on the days that you are not at work?

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diazaprob

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Thanks for the advice, I intend on doing this.

Wesser wrote:

I think you are in denial about how serious this problem is. Fobbing off questions about the source of your drugs tells me it is probably not legal. You could get in really serious trouble with the law over this. I am not try g to scare you, just get you to wake up! You need professional help and if you can afford 30mg if valium a day then you can afford to see a Gp. 30 mg a day is a serious dose. Do you drive? Do you take valium on the days that you are not at work?

I don't drive and I also rarely take it on days I'm not at work, I've taken it at night on the very odd occasion to ease myself into sleep.

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I agree. But I had not touched the stuff in months until this work problem came about, I don't want to appear like I'm in denial, I know there's a bad problem but I can't agree with being called an addict. It solves my work problem and I never feel a desire to consume it outside of these times.

diazaprob

Also, I don't want any advice on the legal consequences of buying on the black market. I'm well aware of all of this.

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Speaking as a recovering drug addict who has never used benzos, man, try to get off the tablets..They're an epidemic in this country at the minute, and they ruin people..consider counseling and NA meetings..the anxiety won't go away while you're taking them..good luck

Big Bag of Chips

OP, people are giving you advice, but because you don't want to hear what they are saying, you are dismissing it.

You are taking a very high dose of a very strong prescription medication without any medical supervision, advice or monitoring. THAT is the problem. Your job is just a side issue.

If a job is causing you that much stress that you are overdosing on medication not prescribed for you then you need to quit the job and fk what anyone else thinks! Seriously, Valium isn't designed to be a long term, continuous use drug. It's why GPS are only allowed prescribe 3 months at a time instead of the usual 6 for other drugs. You need to renew the prescription every 3 months and a GP is likely to question if/why you are still taking it.

First thing you need to learn is how to cope, with jobs that are stressful and with people who think you should be doing stuff you're not happy doing. Do you know that approximately nobody cares what job you do/don't do. They don't sit at home every evening jealous of you and your "great job (on paper)". People are too busy dealing with their own lives and stresses to be thinking that deeply on you!!

Get yourself to a GP, one visit. Get a referral to the community mental health team where you will be dealt with for free. Depending on where you are in the country there might be a waiting list. Or you might be lucky. GPs can fast track you through in some cases if they think it is necessary.

Nothing is worth this, especially not if you're only doing it because OTHER people think you should!

amtc

I took valium once for my back as a muscle relaxant...only a small dose...and went back to my doctor after five days. Can honestly say I never felt better...grass was greener...sun was brighter...flowers looked better. I explained all this to my doctor who promptly explained no way was he giving me any more!

I did work with a guy who bought valium otc in spain...had a big coke habit and used them to come down.

Try and deal with underlying issue

njs030

Op you need to see a doctor before you do anything else.
Withdrawal symptoms from Valium can be life threatening and with the amount you are taking you are definitely addicted.

This isn't a judgement, just go to your doctor and they will help you to come off it.

blairbear

OP, I just want to echo the posters who have been alarmed at the size of the benzodiazepine dose. 30mg is very, very significant. And of course they're not prescribed; no doctor would prescribe such a massive dose on an out patient basis for somebody with work-related anxiety. As a doctor myself, I really only see patients in acute alcohol withdrawal, or to treat those who have taken massive amounts of stimulants, on bigger doses, (In-patients, of course), although I know many addicts take countless amounts of "D10s" daily.

You are not in danger of becoming addicted; you are addicted. I bet there are a few days where you take 40mg too, but you haven't really faced up to that. Maybe 50mg? It was only that one time, so it doesn't count, right?

You're going to ruin your career, OP. You can't keep going into work buzzed, and getting progressively MORE buzzed over the course of the day, without anyone noticing. They probably have noticed already.

You need addiction counselling and treatment. Please, please go to your GP. Nobody will judge you or be angry. They will just try to help, but you need to be on board with helping yourself too.

Writing your post was a good, small, first step.

suicide_circus

Sounds to me like you've aquired a pretty serious benzo addiction. Time for rehab.

diazaprob

As much as I'd like to go to a GP, I have questions about that process. How receptive to drug problems are doctors? I don't want to be treated as another junkie etc. I appreciate everyone's posts and I do agree with a large extent of them. I know I have a problem. That's why I posted, that's why I'm here.

diazaprob

notjustsweet wrote:

Op you need to see a doctor before you do anything else. Withdrawal symptoms from Valium can be life threatening and with the amount you are taking you are definitely addicted.

I think I have a different view of what addiction means. To me, addiction is needing a drug every day and getting cravings etc. Am I wrong? I'm not disputing the fact that I may be addicted but I'm taking it as it's convenient and helps my work. If this is also addiction, then yes I'm addicted.

diazaprob

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

OP, people are giving you advice, but because you don't want to hear what they are saying, you are dismissing it.

I'm not dismissing advice, don't worry it's hitting home, even if I'm not showing it. And I am grateful

blairbear

diazaprob wrote: »

I think I have a different view of what addiction means. To me, addiction is needing a drug every day and getting cravings etc. Am I wrong? I'm not disputing the fact that I may be addicted but I'm taking it as it's convenient and helps my work. If this is also addiction, then yes I'm addicted.

Ah here, OP, come on!! Alcohol is convenient; I can buy it across the road from my workplace! And maybe a glass of wine or two would help me on a tough day at work... Would that make it okay?? Does that make it normal?! No. Not even a little bit. Heroin is convenient enough too. I could easily go buy a bag of gear if the mood took me. Again, convenience and availability doesn't make it okay. You can buy solpadeine over the counter but the codeine in it is an opiate and very very addictive. Some addicts in hospital are literally there with only that; a codeine addiction.

GPs see a huge number of patients with substance abuse issues. If you want to ensure an open-minded, forward thinking GP, go to a young practice in town or city centre. GPs do specific psychiatry training in hospitals and are well versed in substance abuse.

And OP, you are not superior to or better than the other "junkies". You may have a more easily concealed drug of choice, but that's where the differences end. You don't want a doctor to judge you but you're judging similar people yourself.

http://www.na-ireland.org

njs030

diazaprob wrote: »

I think I have a different view of what addiction means. To me, addiction is needing a drug every day and getting cravings etc. Am I wrong? I'm not disputing the fact that I may be addicted but I'm taking it as it's convenient and helps my work. If this is also addiction, then yes I'm addicted.

You seem to need it to get through work don't you? So you have an addiction.
I think some people see addicts as different to the rest of us but they aren't really - Ant from Ant and Dec is currently in rehab recovering from a painkiller addiction, it can happen to anyone when we rely on medication as a crutch and especially when we don't do so under proper medical supervision.

Please listen to the doctor who posted above and go for help, doctors will help you and won't judge you so don't worry. You will get better and will be able to make decisions about work and your future with a clear head.

Big Bag of Chips

You definitely have a drug dependency. You depend on a huge amount of a prescribed drug just to be able to get through your day in work. A job that's not even that stressful, just that you don't like. That's not normal.

And if that's what you have to do to be able to simply face the working day, then you need to quit your job. Although if you do quit the job and find you still are reaching for the Valium, then you'll have to look closer at why you are so dependent on it.

Doctors have seen and heard an awful lot worse than anything you can say to them. You have to go to your doctor, and you have to be completely truthful. Otherwise it's just a waste of everyone's time.

diazaprob

blairbear wrote:

And OP, you are not superior to or better than the other "junkies". You may have a more easily concealed drug of choice, but that's where the differences end. You don't want a doctor to judge you but you're judging similar people yourself.

I'm sorry but I'm taking everyone's advice here but don't compare me to a dole stealing junkie. I pay my taxes the same as everyone. This is part of Ireland's drug problem, everyone who has a problem is labelled a junkie. Maybe I am being judgemental, apologies to anyone offended by me believing I'm above a social welfare junkie.

diazaprob

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

And if that's what you have to do to be able to simply face the working day, then you need to quit your job. Although if you do quit the job and find you still are reaching for the Valium, then you'll have to look closer at why you are so dependent on it.

Yeah I'm gonna go in next week with a different attitude, a different perspective after everyone's helpful comments here, and see how I get on.

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

Doctors have seen and heard an awful lot worse than anything you can say to them. You have to go to your doctor, and you have to be completely truthful. Otherwise it's just a waste of everyone's time.

Yeah that'd be my only concern, that a doctor might have no empathy. I will do this. Doctor will be visited. Thank you BBoC you've been especially helpful.

diazaprob

blairbear wrote:

And OP, you are not superior to or better than the other "junkies". You may have a more easily concealed drug of choice, but that's where the differences end. You don't want a doctor to judge you but you're judging similar people yourself.

I'm probably concentrating on the negative comment too much but I'm offended. You know your son or daughter that gets their college grant? Yeah I pay my tax towards that. Your medical card? Yeah I'm contributing to that too. Your sick sibling who needs illness benefit? I pay into that fund too. So please don't put me in the same bracket as a waster junkie, yeah I might have a benzo problem and a big problem as ye guys have told me, but I'm also totally a step above social welfare wasting junkies.

juneg

Could you talk to your parents about your difficulties? It might help you if the problem was shared.

Stroke Politics

OP, did you need Valium at any stage in your adult life before taking the current job?

Having worked in 3 different call centres in my late 20s early 30s, my experience was that it was very bad for mental health. The constant queue of calls, the relentless monitoring by team leaders, the targets. We can't all "make every call your best call", or have the customer "hear the smile in your voice ".

In the centres I was working in, I would say 40% of colleagues were on Prozac or self medicating with alcohol to get through the week. The staff turnover was huge because of the constant stress involved with talking to 100 strangers, some very irate, each day.

Take a break, talk to your family. No job is worth the effect on your life....