Parents contributing to / paying for kids' weddings and or mortgage downpayments

zmgakt7uw2dvfs

So far, I am the only child out of my siblings and I to get married. My wife and I paid for our own wedding in full (we kept it small and pretty low key; the whole thing cost only 3k).

But I've been hearing from others that their parents helped out with wedding costs and mortgage downpayments, or that they expect their parents would do so when the time comes.

I would not expect, and would never ask, my parents to pay for part of my wedding or house for that matter. Am I an outlier in contemporary Ireland?

Ficheall

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

So far, I am the only child out of my siblings and I to get married. My wife and I paid for our own wedding in full (we kept it small and pretty low key; the whole thing cost only 3k).

But I've been hearing from others that their parents helped out with wedding costs and mortgage downpayments, or that they expect their parents would do so when the time comes.

I would not expect, and would never ask, my parents to pay for part of my wedding or house for that matter. Am I an outlier in contemporary Ireland?

Thinly-veiled "I have a trumpet" post.

One eyed Jack

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

So far, I am the only child out of my siblings and I to get married. My wife and I paid for our own wedding in full (we kept it small and pretty low key; the whole thing cost only 3k).

But I've been hearing from others that their parents helped out with wedding costs and mortgage downpayments, or that they expect their parents would do so when the time comes.

I would not expect, and would never ask, my parents to pay for part of my wedding or house for that matter. Am I an outlier in contemporary Ireland?

Hardly!

There are plenty of people who neither expect nor receive financial assistance from their parents, and plenty of people that do receive financial assistance from their parents. Everyone's circumstances will vary depending upon an infinite number of factors.

I know plenty of people who were fortunate enough that their parents insisted on paying for everything for them who consider themselves unfortunate because they wanted to pay for everything themselves, and I know plenty of people who paid for everything themselves who consider themselves unfortunate because they didn't have parents who could afford to pay for anything.

Some are grand, some have a fierce sense of entitlement, and some of them are incredibly petty and bitter. Perspectives vary really.

BillyBobBS

We got married in a registry office and went for a meal with family and friends afterwards. We did this because we couldn't afford anything bigger. Imagine that, living within our means.

Glenster

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

I would not expect, and would never ask, my parents to pay for part of my wedding or house for that matter. Am I an outlier in contemporary Ireland?

Depends how old you are. If you were in your early twenties I wouldn't have an issue with you getting your parents to pay for your wedding. Or a deposit on a house.

That's how it was done in the old days.

But now people are getting married older and you would expect someone older(certainly in their thirties) to pay their own way.

riffmongous

Well maybe their grandparents paid for the parents wedding/house? In that case the parents would be selfish for not paying it forward

PM me nudes

riffmongous wrote: »

Well maybe their grandparents paid for the parents wedding/house? In that case the parents would be selfish for not paying it forward

Wat

witchgirl26

I know I won't get a contribution towards any house purchase from my mam but in terms of a wedding, there is some cash that was put aside for the two girls in the family to help out with that. It wouldn't cover the cost of a wedding at all but more a bit of a help. It's not something I'd expect though or be waiting for.

Honestly I'd prefer to do it myself rather than be relying on parents to help me out. I'm a grown up and have a job that pays more than what my mam's pension pays so I should support myself and not expect her to. After all it's her money & she can spend how she wants!

elefant

witchgirl26 wrote: »

I know I won't get a contribution towards any house purchase from my mam but in terms of a wedding, there is some cash that was put aside for the two girls in the family to help out with that. It wouldn't cover the cost of a wedding at all but more a bit of a help. It's not something I'd expect though or be waiting for.

Honestly I'd prefer to do it myself rather than be relying on parents to help me out. I'm a grown up and have a job that pays more than what my mam's pension pays so I should support myself and not expect her to. After all it's her money & she can spend how she wants!

Is there more of a tradition of helping out daughters with wedding costs than sons, or what?

witchgirl26

elefant wrote: »

Is there more of a tradition of helping out daughters with wedding costs than sons, or what?

Yeah I do think there would be. Traditionally before it would have been the bride's family who paid for everything. Honestly I don't know was a contribution made towards my brothers' weddings as I wouldn't have been involved in that side of them.

LirW

elefant wrote: »

Is there more of a tradition of helping out daughters with wedding costs than sons, or what?

Sure, otherwise you can't afford the fancy dress for 4 grand that you wear for like 12 hours!

sashafierce

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LadyMacBeth_

My parents and my OH's mum paid for our wedding. We didn't expect them to and we were very grateful, we tried to insist that we'd pay ourselves, we didn't have a lot of money at all but we were going to do it as cheaply as possible and neither of us minded that, it was our own decision to get married. They really wanted to help us so we let them, it was still a small wedding and a cheap enough one compared to most (5k).

We're saving for a house now, to get one at some point in the future. I don't expect any money from my parents for it but I suspect they will probably help me out to some extent, they have hinted at as much. I have a disability so I can only work part time and my means are limited as a result which is why I think they really want to help out, and they aren't rich but they're doing pretty well so I think they want to do that for me. I also can't get life assurance so I need to buy a place that my OH can afford to pay for herself if anything happens to me.

I am grateful for what my parents have given me and I never expected it but I don't like the begrudgery that some people show if they find out that your parents helped you out financially, it's just bitterness and envy I think.

fg1406

My parents nor the in laws didn't pay for our wedding. They both gave us a gift of money but we saved for the day ourselves. We are in the middle of a house purchase also which we have been saving for, for the past 2.5 years. Neither of us have received a cent from our families nor would I expect anything. I wouldn't accept anything even if they offered.

BobMc

My mum and dad gave us some money towards first house, I'd a nice bit saved in credit union, missus had nothing,

We paid for the wedding and Dad paid for a round of drink. We didnt expect anything towards either and where gratefull for any assistance.

pilly

As a parent this is something that worries me. My husband went to live in America over 10 years ago and hasn't contributed a penny towards our children's upkeep since, cest la vie, I can live with that.

But when it comes to my daughters wedding (yes it's usually the brides parents) I do feel she will be expecting something that I just don't have.

BillyBobBS

pilly wrote: »

As a parent this is something that worries me. My husband went to live in America over 10 years ago and hasn't contributed a penny towards our children's upkeep since, cest la vie, I can live with that.

But when it comes to my daughters wedding (yes it's usually the brides parents) I do feel she will be expecting something that I just don't have.

Sorry about your husband, terrible situation.

If your daughter "expects" you to contribute money you don't have then it's a bad reflection on her tbh. Maybe tell her to live with realistic expectations.

LadyMacBeth_

pilly wrote: »

As a parent this is something that worries me. My husband went to live in America over 10 years ago and hasn't contributed a penny towards our children's upkeep since, cest la vie, I can live with that.

But when it comes to my daughters wedding (yes it's usually the brides parents) I do feel she will be expecting something that I just don't have.

Hopefully she will understand, given your circumstances, you have basically provided for her as a single parent. It should never be an expectation from children and it should only be given if the parent has it to spare.

Permabear

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pilly

BillyBobBS wrote: »

Sorry about your husband, terrible situation.

If your daughter "expects" you to contribute money you don't have then it's a bad reflection on her tbh. Maybe tell her to live with realistic expectations.

Yeah, I know, it's probably partly my own fault as I have always provided for all 3 with never a mention of hardship. It's really a societal thing of brides parents paying that puts the pressure on and she sees her friends parents pay.

In saying that, maybe I'm being unfair to her because she hasn't actually stated what she would expect.

Maximus Alexander

Just went sale agreed on a first home and didn't get any help from anybody, nor would I expect to. Similarly, we are engaged to be married and won't be expecting any financial assistance. We just live within our means. My parents already did enough for me in getting me to adulthood.

zmgakt7uw2dvfs

Permabear wrote: »

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Even if I could pay for my child's wedding - and I actually can - I wouldn't. I see it as their responsibility to pay for their own lives beyond a certain stage.

EndaHonesty

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

Even if I could pay for my child's wedding - and I actually can - I wouldn't. I see it as their responsibility to pay for their own lives beyond a certain stage.

Be honest, this thread is just a means to tell everyone that you have some money... :rolleyes:

Wheety

BillyBobBS wrote: »

We got married in a registry office and went for a meal with family and friends afterwards. We did this because we couldn't afford anything bigger. Imagine that, living within our means.

Are you my wife?

Lux23

I will certainly pay for my wedding myself but I would imagine my Mam might buy some furniture or something for a new house. I wouldn't go
asking for it but happy to accept a small (ish) gift.

Lollipops23

I doubt very much mine will pay for my wedding. My dad is broke (and vocal about it, I think he knows a wedding will be on the horizon in the next few years). My mam and step dad are retired- they may give us a few quid towards it like buying the dress or something.

My OH's folks already helped him hugely by giving him money towards the deposit on his flat (he bought last year), so we really couldn't expect anything more from them.

I'll start saving now I guess.....

pilly

I'm pleasantly surprised to see here that there's not a sense of entitlement around getting money towards a wedding or house from parents.

One poster above said it perfectly imo, your parents have raised you up to now, they've done enough.

Ann_Landers

My parents helped me out a good bit in college financially so did not give me any lump towards my wedding. I didn't mind and didn't expect them at all. My sister, on the other hand, was an incredibly self-sufficent student and they never had to put their hand their pocket even once during her college years at all. So they gave her €5000 towards her wedding. Fair is fair!

I have a friend who is one of two children. Her brother has Asperger Syndrome, quite severe. My friend was another very self-sufficient student. As I guess her folks know that they are just going to have one wedding among their children, they paid for her reception.

From my experience, a lot of parents like to give their children a helping hand with either a mortgage downpayment or with wedding costs. I don't have a problem with this, I suppose they see it as an advance on the inheritance they might one day give their children. But parents shouldn't be under pressure to do those things.

riffmongous

PM me nudes wrote: »

Wat

Pay it forward? I thought it was a fairly common expression

Witchie

When I got married my parents paid for it as we were straight out of college and hadn't started our careers. We were happy to wait a year or so and save as we had planned on getting married in the Caribbean anyway and it wouldn't be a big flashy affair as it would just be the 2 of us. But then when I discovered I was pregnant, my parents suggested it would be less complicated if we were married before our baby entered the world so we brought the wedding forward. It cost about £2000 all in.

We were buying a house shortly after it and my dad gave us the £4000 deposit and some furniture he had picked up along the way to give us a start.

His reasoning (and he did the same for my elder brother in terms of a deposit for his house) is that he would rather give us some help when we were starting out in life than have us fight over inheritance (which we wouldn't anyway!) but he felt that he would like to give us a hand getting a good start instead of us getting money when he died and we would hopefuly be all set up and not need it as much.

My 2 younger siblings haven't bought houses and are showing no interest in doing so as of yet, so my older brother and I agreed that when (hopefully never ever ever coz can't imagine my life without them) our parents do die, that the younger 2 will get the bulk of what is left if not all as they haven't recieved their inheritance early like we did.

As a parent I am now considering selling my house and putting the money, after the mortgage is paid off, into high yield accounts or some investment funds so that when my sons (22 and 19 yrs old) decide to buy a property, they can have a helping hand from that money. I know it is not my duty and already my eldest is doing well financially and my youngest is working in 2 jobs while at university and they are so good and independet, so I feel that if I can help them a little with the burden of buying their first homes I will. I don't see myself living back in Ireland and if I do return I will rent somewhere small. I certainly don't need a 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house for just me, so why not use it to give my sons a start?

osarusan

riffmongous wrote: »

Pay it forward? I thought it was a fairly common expression

Not paying it forward (even if they can afford it) doesn't make them selfish though.

Bitches Be Trypsin

My parents definitely won't be paying for my wedding or a deposit for a house either. I don't mind though - we are really close and the emotional support means more to me than financial support ever could. If I marry my current boyfriend, his parents will pay 20% of the price of the house we wish to buy as a wedding gift.

Permabear

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Masala

Similar thread below on paying for a daughters wedding.....


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057749637

GingerLily

My mother passed away and left me with a modest sum, I've put that away for a deposit for a house.
If she was alive and she could have afforded it I know how proud she'd be if she could help me get a house, so that's what I'll do with it.

freshpopcorn

I know lots of people and their attitude is we're not going to be spending the money now and if we leave it in a will a good bit will get eaten up in Tax so we might as well give it them now!

zmgakt7uw2dvfs

Permabear wrote: »

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There's a difference between not paying for a wedding and / or house and cutting someone off rather brutally across the board.

Also, I'm sure you're aware of the studies which show that children who receive what are effectively handouts tend to perform worse financially than children who don't. That being the case, I'm curious as to your thought process.

Galwayguy35

Don't see anything wrong with it if the parents want to help their kids out and can afford it.

GingerLily

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

There's a difference between not paying for a wedding and / or house and cutting someone off rather brutally across the board.

Also, I'm sure you're aware of the studies which show that children who receive what are effectively handouts tend to perform worse financially than children who don't. That being the case, I'm curious as to your thought process.

Can you give more information about these studies?
Do they distinguish between children that need handouts and children who can support themselves but accept gifts?

bee06

My parents paid for our wedding. It was in no way expected but my dad would have been really put out if I'd refused. My mom said it was something he'd been talking about since I was born. He also gave me a substantial cheque when I bought my first apartment. It was left in a drawer until it expired and then the money went back into his account.

Permabear

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Fanny Wank

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

Am I an outlier in contemporary Ireland?

Probably - I'd have said most people would say "deposit" instead of "down payment"

riffmongous

osarusan wrote: »

Not paying it forward (even if they can afford it) doesn't make them selfish though.

Ah ok, selfish wasn't the right word to use there

zmgakt7uw2dvfs

Permabear wrote: »

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I refer you to chapter 5 of Millionaire Next Door (I can't remember if it includes direct citations, but the whole book is a case study). Net income is not the concern -- rather, net worth is. One can have a high net income but a relatively low net worth due to expenditure etc.

eviltwin

Permabear wrote: »

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I would like to think if I had the money I'd continue to support my children into adulthood but I would see giving them a large lump sum to put towards a wedding as a waste of good money. Education or housing is an investment but handing over thousands for a massive piss up? Not a chance.

GingerLily

eviltwin wrote: »

I would like to think if I had the money I'd continue to support my children into adulthood but I would see giving them a large lump sum to put towards a wedding as a waste of good money. Education or housing is an investment but handing over thousands for a massive piss up? Not a chance.

A lot of people still view weddings as family events, which is why some parents feel happy to help out, it's not a gap year in Thailand!


Also I think there are a good few parents these days that want to hurry their children to start families, which typically includes wedding then house then babies

Lia_lia

My parents won't be giving me any money towards a wedding or house because they don't have money to give me. Same with my partner's Dad. We are luckily able to save an alright amount of money.

I've no problem with people getting money from parents for weddings/houses if they can afford it. My closest friend had her wedding paid for by her Dad. He also paid for her house deposit. He is able to afford it so why not. I'm sure my parents would do the same if they had the money.

Cupcake_Crisis

I know my parents wedding was paid for my my grandfather, as was tradition at the time. I wouldn't want mine paid for, it would feel weird to me. I know they couldn't really afford it and would hate to think they were stretching themselves out of obligation.

I wouldn't want help with a mortgage deposit either, but I know when the time comes they'd buy me a few big ticket items to furnish it as a gift.

tomwaterford

Mine wouldn't have the money


Not that I'd ever look for it if they did,as bad as am I at adulting....

Ive never looked for a hand out off them.....I'm cam see why they would offer to pay if rich ....but that scenario will no apply to me

EndaHonesty

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

I refer you to chapter 5 of Millionaire Next Door (I can't remember if it includes direct citations, but the whole book is a case study). Net income is not the concern -- rather, net worth is. One can have a high net income but a relatively low net worth due to expenditure etc.

That book is a study of millionaire families in America. It's hardly relevant to Ireland.

Do you have any actual evidence to support your claims?

LordSutch

Alayah Raspy Lavatory wrote: »

Parents contributing to / paying for kids' weddings and or mortgage down payments.

...and why not?
It's been this way since the beginning of time.