How to be a good father and partner?

zmgakt7uw2dvfs

From another thread:

Permabear wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I thought this would make for a good discussion. What does make a good partner and father? What are the qualities and how are they connected, if at all. Is it something you instinctively have, or can it be learned? I have no answers.

suicide_circus

Fathers are unnecessary.

gifted

If the woman is happy the home is happy.....trick is to find out what makes her happy...that's the puzzle lol lol...

And the good father bit...make the kids happy...all the time.....

eviltwin

I don't think there is any great mystery to parenting. Love, support and respecting your children as individuals is paramount. There are lots of different ways to parent and no one is perfect.

OldMrBrennan83

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suicide_circus

Raging_Ninja wrote: »

You're doing it wrong - you need to marry upwards. Then you get half their s1it if it goes bad.

Id say if you were to examine the stats I think you'd find much fewer women willing to marry a man less well off that vice versa

leggo

To soil AH with a serious answer: for me being a man and a father is having the balls to be present and stare down your responsibilities instead of running away from them down the pub. To provide a life for your family, financially and/or through nourishment, and to live by example in being a guiding light to your children while giving emotional support to your wife. You don't have to always get it right but it's a responsibility to show those around you that, when you fall, you can get back up and be stronger from it, that's the best lesson I was given from the father figures in my life.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

leggo

Patww79 wrote: »

I know a good few good fathers and husbands and they go to the pub the odd time.

There's a line and most well know it. Generations of Irish fathers have pissed their kids' childhoods away behind a pint out of fear.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

mfceiling

It's not really that difficult. You make sure that you pull your weight around the house. Talk to your kids but more importantly listen to them. Kids are simple enough. They enjoy playing...don't need technology that much. My 3 are happy out making dens in the house or drawing pictures or playing scrabble. As long as you get involved and have a bit of fun it's all good. We go for walks, look for new things to do, ask them have they any suggestions...you don't have to throw money at them.

I'm far from the world's greatest dad or partner but I try (hopelessly at times). If my kids see me cooking or cleaning or hanging out washing then I hope they realise that "housework" isn't an exclusively female task.

To sum up...just muck in and muddle on.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Patww79 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I'll politely disagree and make my exit. He's stirring it with something way beyond the rebuttal of blaming men.

Burial.

Well it's becoming more and more unappealing and braindead for men to get married due to such high divorce rates and how men get such a raw deal in divorce proceedings. Female promiscuity is rising heavily, which is resulting in less stable relationships and marriages, unhappy relationships and massive increase in STIs.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Burial. wrote: »

Well it's becoming more and more unappealing and braindead for men to get married due to such high divorce rates and how men get such a raw deal in divorce proceedings. Female promiscuity is rising heavily, which is resulting in less stable relationships and marriages, unhappy relationships and massive increase in STIs.

High divorce rates? You do realise Ireland has the lowest rate in Europe, don't you?

Burial.

Leanna Wailing Seaport wrote: »

High divorce rates? You do realise Ireland has the lowest rate in Europe, don't you?

What has Ireland got to do with my post?

leggo

Burial. wrote: »

What has Ireland got to do with my post?

I'll give you a clue...we live there!

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Burial. wrote: »

What has Ireland got to do with my post?

Yes, stupid of me to assume we were discussing the topic on an Irish site in an Irish context.


Carry on so.

Burial.

Leanna Wailing Seaport wrote: »

Yes, stupid of me to assume we were discussing the topic on an Irish site in an Irish context.


Carry on so.

Stupid of you indeed. Life does exist outside Ireland I am afraid.

fepper

I suppose relationships are very much the same worldwide as they are in Ireland

Wibbs

Leanna Wailing Seaport wrote: »

High divorce rates? You do realise Ireland has the lowest rate in Europe, don't you?

He's just parroting the US based stats(which themselves aren't nearly so grim as claimed) that so many living beyond the US think is universal.

DoozerT6

Sorry your well-intentioned thread got hijacked, OP

ToddyDoody

Without reading the thread I'd say, keep your mouth shut and do what you're told.

andekwarhola

The key is to tell everybody about it at length.

osarusan

Patww79 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

When was that the general view here?

For most of my time in AH, and the last couple of years in particular, the trend definitely seems to be lads whining about how hard they have it and how it's all somebody else's fault.

Setanter

Engage with your children to the best of your ability, don't expect perfection from you or them.
Children have innate needs and desires and they respond but it may be many years before the good (and bad) that we do now manifests.

Dads may be surplus to requirements in some sections this post feminist world but it will take an extended generation to determine if that's a disaster or not.

MilesMorales1

My dad wasn't a dad in the sense of the word, he was an alcoholic beating abusive ****. I don't have a single good memory of him, and I don't think I learnt anything from him except fear. So I don't know, not that. If I have kids I don't know what I'd do with them. Maybe just engage them, or try to anyway, teach them stuff, make sure they never doubt I love them.

Alpha_zero

All one needs is a concubine

Grandeeod

leggo wrote: »

To soil AH with a serious answer: for me being a man and a father is having the balls to be present and stare down your responsibilities instead of running away from them down the pub. To provide a life for your family, financially and/or through nourishment, and to live by example in being a guiding light to your children while giving emotional support to your wife. You don't have to always get it right but it's a responsibility to show those around you that, when you fall, you can get back up and be stronger from it, that's the best lesson I was given from the father figures in my life.

Nice sentiments. But do you think that your posted ideals should also apply to mothers and wives too? I'm noticing a vibe in the thread thats leaning towards dads being mad drinkers and kids suffering as a result. I assume financially and emotionally. I know its a "father" thread, but your nice post just made me think if you were approaching the topic from a one sided perspective without any consideration of a mothers responsibility.

Realt Dearg Sec

Grandeeod wrote: »

leggo wrote: »

To soil AH with a serious answer: for me being a man and a father is having the balls to be present and stare down your responsibilities instead of running away from them down the pub. To provide a life for your family, financially and/or through nourishment, and to live by example in being a guiding light to your children while giving emotional support to your wife. You don't have to always get it right but it's a responsibility to show those around you that, when you fall, you can get back up and be stronger from it, that's the best lesson I was given from the father figures in my life.

Nice sentiments. But do you think that your posted ideals should also apply to mothers and wives too? I'm noticing a vibe in the thread thats leaning towards dads being mad drinkers and kids suffering as a result. I assume financially and emotionally. I know its a "father" thread, but your nice post just made me think if you were approaching the topic from a one sided perspective without any consideration of a mothers responsibility.

The thread is about what makes a good father, be a bit weird to list out what makes a good mother.

To answer the question, lots of attention and positive feedback, read and play and sing, give them a big hug before bed, and make sure they know they're loved. I'm sure it gets more complicated later, but so far, in the first two years, that's basically the gist of it from what I can tell. Change the odd ****ty nappy and make sure they're fed.

It's not rocket science, i haven't been able to figure out why other parents make such martyrs of themselves when describing having a baby. A lot of parents like to think of themselves as heroes for doing their job, and that probably makes it seem difficult from outside.

Realt Dearg Sec

Burial. wrote: »

What has Ireland got to do with my post?

What had your post got to do with being a good father?

pc7

I'm listening to my oh and son giggle and sing songs as he goes to sleep. Seeing the father he is has made me love him all the more. He makes time to play with him, love him, kiss him, hug him and make him laugh. We are equal in the house in terms of housework pretty much, so that helps as I work too (when not on maternity leave).
We try catch up when smallies are asleep (2 under 2) so it's hectic but we know it won't always be this busy. The kids are only lent to you, they'll go on and make their own life and it'll be us two again. But I feel we are so lucky and I don't take it for granted.
Most parents be they father or mother are just trying to do their best, it's all you can do and hope it's the right thing.

Grandeeod

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

The thread is about what makes a good father, be a bit weird to list out what makes a good mother.

Does anybody read anymore? I specifically made the point that it was a "father" thread and just wanted to know what the poster thought about the mother side of things. Lets not create any drama. Cheers.

harry Bailey esq

Journee Wonderful Nitroglycerin wrote: »

I thought this would make for a good discussion. What does make a good partner and father?

Bluntly,ride your wife as much as your body allows,bring home the bacon so she and your kids can live in relative comfort. Be decisive,in both the relationship and life in the general. Your spouse will respect you more and your kids will consider you as a godlike hero who can do absolutely anything and solve every problem,and that's for life. Don't get me wrong, if she picks a fight over a transgression you happen to be guilty of immediately admit your in the wrong,don't draw an argument out over a couple days, take your mutual anger out on each other in the bedroom. Back to bringing home the bacon,it has to be done,and in my reckoning if you were to ask most successful men what they've regretted most over the years, not spending enough time with the kids would be fairly high on the list. My own da was a workaholic,but he was also very spontaneous,surprise days out were his thing. One minute we'd be hanging around watching TV, an hour later we'd be sliding down the rainbow rapids out by booterstown. I'll say this though,I wouldn't stress over it,your probably doing a great job of it as it stands. God speed man.

Grandeeod

harry Bailey esq wrote: »

Bluntly,ride your wife as much as your body allows,bring home the bacon so she and your kids can live in relative comfort. Be decisive,in both the relationship and life in the general. Your spouse will respect you more and your kids will consider you as a godlike hero who can do absolutely anything and solve every problem,and that's for life. Don't get me wrong, if she picks a fight over a transgression you happen to be guilty of immediately admit your in the wrong,don't draw an argument out over a couple days, take your mutual anger out on each other in the bedroom. Back to bringing home the bacon,it has to be done,and in my reckoning if you were to ask most successful men what they've regretted most over the years, not spending enough time with the kids would be fairly high on the list. My own da was a workaholic,but he was also very spontaneous,surprise days out were his thing. One minute we'd be hanging around watching TV, an hour later we'd be sliding down the rainbow rapids out by booterstown. I'll say this though,I wouldn't stress over it,your probably doing a great job of it as it stands. God speed man.

Perfection for those of us at a certain age. Not so sure the mellenials will agree though.

fepper

Grandeeod wrote: »

Does anybody read anymore? I specifically made the point that it was a "father" thread and just wanted to know what the poster thought about the mother side of things. Lets not create any drama. Cheers.

Its looks like pc7 above has answered that question for you....

Grandeeod

fepper wrote: »

Its looks like PC7 above has answered that question for you....

You are quite correct. She has. A nice read.

stimpson

Don't marry a mental woman
Agree on rules for raising the kids
Back each other up in the moment even if you disagree
Be consistent with discipline
When they are out of order get down to their level, make eye contact and explain why their behaviour is unacceptable
Don't raise your hand to them. At best it's lazy parenting.
Don't sweat the small stuff - know when to let it slide
Put food on the table
Treat them with respect and demand respect in return
Put them to bed early so they get enough sleep and you get some time with the missus
Make time to bring her out occasionally
Play with them
Tickle them
Hug and kiss them
Tell stupid jokes
Answer all of the "Why?" questions around the age of 4
Try not to lose the head
Enjoy the time before they grow up

It's not that hard really.

One eyed Jack

How to be a good father and partner?

Be the man that your children and your partner need you to be.

It's that simple really.

harry Bailey esq

Grandeeod wrote: »

Perfection for those of us at a certain age. Not so sure the mellenials will agree though.

Don't get me started on the unisex toilet crowd...

snowflaker

Be there for your children.

Encourage them.

Provide for them as best you can.

Protect them.

Nurture them.

Hannibal_Smith

What makes a good father and partner? Surely thats very subjective? What makes a good father and partner is very dependent on the relationship and what the other person in the relationship wants from a partner/Co parent?

Why only fathers btw? Shouldn't it be, what makes a good parent and partner?

Grandeeod

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

What makes a good father and partner? Surely thats very subjective? What makes a good father and partner is very dependent on the relationship and what the other person in the relationship wants from a partner/Co parent?

Why only fathers btw? Shouldn't it be, what makes a good parent and partner?

I've been told off already on that aspect, despite being nice about it.

One eyed Jack

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Why only fathers btw?

Because the OP started a discussion about only fathers. Why not only ask what makes a good father and partner?

Shouldn't it be, what makes a good parent and partner?

Should it? If you feel it should be something else, then start another thread rather than engaging in whataboutery.

leggo

Grandeeod wrote: »

Nice sentiments. But do you think that your posted ideals should also apply to mothers and wives too? I'm noticing a vibe in the thread thats leaning towards dads being mad drinkers and kids suffering as a result. I assume financially and emotionally. I know its a "father" thread, but your nice post just made me think if you were approaching the topic from a one sided perspective without any consideration of a mothers responsibility.

No, because threads about men that become "Yeah but women are bad too!" and vice versa are annoying as ****.

Syphonax

Being a pure bachelor, Id say its best not to try and just enjoy the single life with no kids, whatsoever, ever, save for the nieces and nephews :cool:

Professor Moriarty

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

What makes a good father and partner? Surely thats very subjective? What makes a good father and partner is very dependent on the relationship and what the other person in the relationship wants from a partner/Co parent?

Why only fathers btw? Shouldn't it be, what makes a good parent and partner?

Did you have a mother and father? If so, did they bring different strengths and weaknesses to your upbringing? If not, do you feel a little cheated?

Hannibal_Smith

One eyed Jack wrote: »

Because the OP started a discussion about only fathers. Why not only ask what makes a good father and partner?





Should it? If you feel it should be something else, then start another thread rather than engaging in whataboutery.

Erm...because like I said in my post, it's very subjective.

And yeah, it should. Why put fathers under a spotlight? Why question what good attributes they should have? Making other fathers feel sh*t because they don't meet the criteria on someone else's list.

Ironic you should take issue on my questioning what the OP posted, while telling me how/what I should post :pac:

Hannibal_Smith

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Did you have a mother and father? Yes If so, did they bring different strengths and weaknesses to your upbringing? Yes If not, do you feel a little cheated? No

What's your point? And why are you making it personal to me?

Professor Moriarty

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

What's your point? And why are you making it personal to me?

Why not? Don't you have an opinion on your own upbringing?

Hannibal_Smith

Professor Moriarty wrote: »

Why not? Don't you have an opinion on your own upbringing?

Why would I want to share it with you even if I did?

Professor Moriarty

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Why would I want to share it with you even if I did?

Suit yourself. Lived experience trumps idealism every time.