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15 Considerations for the aspiring fitspo

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  • 18-06-2017 5:58pm
    #1
    COH
    Registered Users Posts: 7,118 ✭✭✭


    1 - Education. You don't need it. Fall back plans are for the unfitsporated. Just keep curling and using big worlds to photosynthesise your creatine-phosphate hypertrophy.

    2 - Move out of home. Don't do this - Just keep telling your mates you have your own sweet set up and that you can do what you like, and besides, your mum is sound. The real world is for chumps. And your mum is sound. So sound.

    3 - Muscle mass. You don't need this either as long as you aren't fat. The absence of fat is literally the definition of fitness.

    4 - Camera crew. You need at least two of these following you around documenting the exercise selection that masks your terrible movement, lack of strength and inability to perform anything with good form.

    5 - Tights. You need to train in tights, male or female. Not only will they hide your bread-stick legs but they'll show people what you are all about sexually as you do your zero-ROM glute bridges.

    6 - Insurance. Why would you need insurance you might ask? You don't. Nothing bad ever happened to anyone in the real world and your mum will take care of any issues that arise down the line.

    7 - Self acceptance. This one is really important - Tell people to love their bodies while doing everything in your power to change your own using performance enhancing drugs, cosmetic surgery, and a variety of cable exercises.

    8 - Opinion. Have one on everything even if you haven't a clue what you are talking about. Sex, geo-politics, religion - just jump straight in and take a stance, this will show how worldly and deep you are.

    9 - Be different by doing the same thing as everyone else. Risks are for losers.

    10 - Know your market aka The 'old you' of 4 weeks ago before you did your one week bulk and three week cut.

    11 - Long term planning. Waste of time. Your holiday is 5 weeks away and that will give you two bulks and three cuts before you have to worry about the future.

    12 - Money. (aka the stuff your mum uses to finance your life) - find a way to avoid having to make any while preaching about success on instagram. Real success means not needing money, and you don't because your mum is sound remember? That is success (yours, not your mums obviously).

    13 - Longevity. What is this? Exactly - supersets, pyramid sets, upsets, down sets, side to side sets, all mean a longer set and the key to eternal happiness.

    14 - Sponsored athletic ambassador. This is the real goal here. Just sell out, and if you are attractive enough by conventional western standards irrespective of your skill set your dream might just come true. Not attractive enough? Show us your tits and ass and hashtag your fitness journey. Key point: Ugliness is the opposite of fitness.

    15 - Online. Stay here. Real world experience doesn't count for sh*t and its much easier and time efficient to copy and paste your way to victory.


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