Feedback on a Current Story of mine

dat one kid

So curently, I've been writing a story called 'Alex Harlow' on a site called 'Quotev'. It's 5 chapters in (including the Prolouge) and it has been going for almost 10 weeks. In this time, I'd say that it's doing quite well. However, I would like some feedback. Here is a link to the story
https://www.quotev.com/story/9383472/Alex-Harlow/1
Please do keep in mind that the story has only just touched the tip of the iceburg and there're a lot more events that need to be covered and the events that have happened will effect the main character and will be brought up again in the future.

km85264

It's a lively story, I'm guessing you're having a lot of fun writing it. Go for it!
If I can offer two pieces of advice:
- don't introduce the Alex back story at this point. After chapter 1 you had me bought into the primary story line, then you have 3+ chapters of a secondary storyline. You need to keep the focus, keep the pace up. Also, Alex was a very intriguing character, dangerous and unknown. The victim-of-bullying backstory is taking away that intrigue.
- your prose is a little clunky in places. You lose pace here and there, some of the dialogue doesn't flow. It's a very good exercise to read your work aloud, you get a much better feel for what the reader is getting from it.
None of this is intended as criticism, you know your work is good so, like I said, go for it.

dat one kid

km85264 wrote: »

It's a lively story, I'm guessing you're having a lot of fun writing it. Go for it!
If I can offer two pieces of advice:
- don't introduce the Alex back story at this point. After chapter 1 you had me bought into the primary story line, then you have 3+ chapters of a secondary storyline. You need to keep the focus, keep the pace up. Also, Alex was a very intriguing character, dangerous and unknown. The victim-of-bullying backstory is taking away that intrigue.
- your prose is a little clunky in places. You lose pace here and there, some of the dialogue doesn't flow. It's a very good exercise to read your work aloud, you get a much better feel for what the reader is getting from it.
None of this is intended as criticism, you know your work is good so, like I said, go for it.

Thank you very much! Yes, I do have a lot of fun writing this sotry. If I may reply to some of your feedback:
I know that the 'background of severe bullying' is pretty cliche and uninteresting, however, as said in the story, this is only the tip of the iceburg to Alex's story and I wouldn't call it the primary storyline.
The rest of it was rather helpful. Thank you very much!