Unacceptable behaviour in a relationship

LegacyUser

Hi all,

This has been annoying me for quite a while and have been seriously considering walking away from my relationship in the last week. I love my girlfriend very much and when she tells me she loves me she is being very sincere, I believe her.

The issue is my girlfriends behaviour when we go out, she seems to constantly need to make eye contact with other guys. This is not the fleeting, "caught looking" eye contact we all experience from time to time, after all we all like to check out the talent, this is seeking out and then making suggestive gestures, smiling and lowering her eyes in a submissive "come f*#k me" way usually coupled with flicking her hair. If she doesn't catch their eye the first time she will continuously glance in their direction until she succeeds. I have discovered that this may be related to some sort of insecurity on her part, the need for constant male validation that she is desirable, but I'm unsure.

I'm not an overly jealous person, my girlfriend is good looking and I've seen loads of guys checking her out in the past, par for the course in my opinion. If anything it's the disrespect that she is showing our relationship and the snide looks/smirks that come back towards me when this happens that's getting to me. There is only so much kicking an ego can take.

I here then looking for a way to approach this with her. I know she's going to fully deny it which I think only leaves me with one option - walk away. It's a major deal breaker for me.

Thanks

ibarelycare

You haven't even spoken to her about it and you're already saying your only option is to walk away. Is this something that's been going on a while and, if so, why have you allowed it to? Are you afraid of confrontation? The next time she's doing it just straight up say to her "what are you doing?" and take it from there.

timmy880

It seems like you have come here for a rant rather than advice but here it goes anyway....

It seems like you are looking for a reason to walk away. She looks at guys in a "come f*#k me" way and you've not even spoken to her about it?

Some people like being looked at for their confidence. Whether they're doing it intentionally or not. My wife always jokes "nobody was looking at me" when she isn't feeling great!

If you think it's too disrespectful to you or it's intentional then you should talk to her first. Not do a runner. Especially if you love her like you claim to.

mats14

If he did this and this OP was a woman you guys would suggest her to leave a j.erk/as.hole and you would be right.

But since he is a man Im giving him the same advice. Leave her. You are right, this is unacceptable! The real reason behind this is not relevant. Dump her yesterday.

One more thing. Women are always looking for BBD (bigger better deal). its called hypergamy. The one you have been dating is crazy enough to do this while you are around her, thats good news since you have found about this early on. Most women acts like this when they are out with their girl friends (girls nights out) antd their naive huby/bf is at home thinking what a good gal she is. If she acts like this around you, how do you think she acts when you are not? Better? i doubt it...

LegacyUser

timmy880 wrote: »

<Snip>

I have spoken to her about it, but it's usually when it happens and that only ends in an argument. She totally denies it and accuses me of being insecure. But I can't deny what's happening right in front of my face, and ignoring it just ends in resentment

silverharp

it just looks like you have been too passive, why didn't you address it at the time when it happened? if you want to discuss with her bring it up next time it happens when she cant deny it, if she does then move on, how could you trust her when she is out without you?

Big Bag of Chips

I think it is very disrespectful to your relationship. She's basically flirting with fellas right in front of you. And then pleading ignorance when you point it out. So if she's actively seeking out male attention when you're sitting in front of her, what is she doing when you're not there?

I'm not suggesting she's cheating on you but I'd find that constant attention seeking tiring. It might work for some but it wouldn't be for me. I think I'd always feel like I'm just filling time for them until something better catches their eye.

It's a genuine issue for you, and if she doesn't agree then I agree that it would seem your only option is to walk. We all set our own standards in our relationships and if your partner continues to do something that you find unacceptable (reasonably, in my opinion) then you don't have to accept it. You don't have to be in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable and you're likely to find someone who doesn't do that!

tea and coffee

mats14 wrote: »

If he did this and this OP was a woman you guys would suggest her to leave a j.erk/as.hole and you would be right.

But since he is a man Im giving him the same advice. Leave her. You are right, this is unacceptable! The real reason behind this is not relevant. Dump her yesterday.

One more thing. Women are always looking for BBD (bigger better deal). its called hypergamy. The one you have been dating is crazy enough to do this while you are around her, thats good news since you have found about this early on. Most women acts like this when they are out with their girl friends (girls nights out) antd their naive huby/bf is at home thinking what a good gal she is. If she acts like this around you, how do you think she acts when you are not? Better? i doubt it...

Women are always looking for a better deal??? Generalisation much? Off to the Red Pill forum with you!

mats14

tea and coffee wrote: »

mats14 wrote: »

If he did this and this OP was a woman you guys would suggest her to leave a j.erk/as.hole and you would be right.

But since he is a man Im giving him the same advice. Leave her. You are right, this is unacceptable! The real reason behind this is not relevant. Dump her yesterday.

One more thing. Women are always looking for BBD (bigger better deal). its called hypergamy. The one you have been dating is crazy enough to do this while you are around her, thats good news since you have found about this early on. Most women acts like this when they are out with their girl friends (girls nights out) antd their naive huby/bf is at home thinking what a good gal she is. If she acts like this around you, how do you think she acts when you are not? Better? i doubt it...

Women are always looking for a better deal??? Generalisation much? Off to the Red Pill forum with you!

Of course Im generalising which means it is generally true.
just because you and 5 of your friends arent like that doesnt mean it is not generally true. If I said tea and coffee is generally not an username here would you deny it just because your user name is tea and coffee?
Hypergamy is real just like polygamy is real. And BBD means exactly that - hypergamy. Look it up...
OP - if you are smart read my post again and think with your head - Is there anything I wrote not the truth? Dump her ASAP.

tea and coffee

I don't particularly wish to engage with you (and your 3 posts on Boards), but it is not factual. Show me a study that says the majority of women in the world or the West or even Dublin are always looking to cheat and consequently always looking for "better" partners? It's as untrue as "all black people are thieves" or " all muslims support the ideals of Deish".
Perhaps you know 1 or 2 women like that so your opinion on this is as valid as your dismissal of mine, which is not as it happens based on "5 of my friends".

To the OP: it is not respectful behaviour. I would ask her about it when you're not out and about as to why she engages it.

dudara

@mats14 - generalisation is not welcome here in PI & RI. We ask that advice is specific, helpful and constructive. Please take the time to read the charter before posting again

dudara

Ursus Horribilis

tea and coffee wrote: »

I don't particularly wish to engage with you (and your 3 posts on Boards), but it is not factual. .

Type some text from Mats14's posts about his Will Smith's ears into Google and you'll see they've been popping up on other forums since 2015... Make your own mind up about that.

Anyway back on topic. OP, if this is making you so obviously unhappy and you can't resolve it with your girlfriend then probably it's time to walk.

tea and coffee

Cheating isn't always about sex.
If women always went for the hottie then what do the rest of the male population do?
Why would the hot office guy have to approach the woman; would she not approach him in that case?
Do men not practise this apparent phenomenon also? In particular in relation to physical attraction?
I respect your viewpoint but fundamentally disagree.
Your lack of posts and extreme opinions would lead me to be more suspicious of your motivations than someone who contributes over a wide range of topics.
Anyway, our discussion is a sidebar and in no way helpful to the initial query. So over and out!

Potatoeman

tea and coffee wrote: »

Cheating isn't always about sex.
If women always went for the hottie then what do the rest of the male population do?
Why would the hot office guy have to approach the woman; would she not approach him in that case?
Do men not practise this apparent phenomenon also? In particular in relation to physical attraction?
I respect your viewpoint but fundamentally disagree.
Your lack of posts and extreme opinions would lead me to be more suspicious of your motivations than someone who contributes over a wide range of topics.
Anyway, our discussion is a sidebar and in no way helpful to the initial query. So over and out!

Yeah but it's still cheating. Most of the stuff that guy is talking about is more of an American thing as people date multiple people. Not to say people don't look for a better deal/option.

OP this girl is sending out signals for attention but I would be more worried about her when's she's out with friends and has had a few drinks. She is going to create a situation at some stage. I work with a girl like this (has a boyfriend too) and eventually something happened with one of the guys in the office. It just seems to be the case with overly flirty people in general.

tara73

OP, this is horrible, disrespectful behaviour from your gf. You pointed it out when it's happening and she is denying doing it. For what kind of fool she's taking you?

I know it's easy to say it behind the keyboard and not being emotionally involved, but you said it yourself, you consider leaving her because of it and it's completely understandable.
Maybe give her an ultimatum as a last chance, if she's doing it again you need to end it. But I doubt this woman is able to behave in a mature way.

All the best for you, many nice girls out there who wouldn't behave like this:)

B.A._Baracus

Hey man,
Get out of that relationship and do it fast.

Eimee90

mats14 wrote:

One more thing. Women are always looking for BBD (bigger better deal). its called hypergamy. The one you have been dating is crazy enough to do this while you are around her, thats good news since you have found about this early on. Most women acts like this when they are out with their girl friends (girls nights out) antd their naive huby/bf is at home thinking what a good gal she is. If she acts like this around you, how do you think she acts when you are not? Better? i doubt it...

Are we? Talk about a generalisation.

You need to address how you feel with your gf, op

LegacyUser

Well it kinda came to a head last night and this morning, she's away babysitting so it was done over text. Ended predictably, accused me of being jealous and controlling, no acceptance that she might actually be doing something wrong.

I have called her out on it in the past, and it ends up in a blazing row. I get told I'm not secure enough etc etc.

She seems to always want to put doubt in my mind. She's told me in the past I'm not her type, we don't have a future together, it won't work. It's all a bit of a head f#@k to be honest. She's even pointed out when lads are hitting on her/waving at her "those two are totally hitting on me"...

It's good to write this out, gives me a new perspective on it, though makes me feel like a total muppet...

LegacyUser

Oh and thanks for the replies/advice

mats14

All the best for you, many nice girls out there who wouldn't behave like this:)

At least not when you are around. OP the next time you will go out partying do yourself a favor. Look for a group of girls (ladies night out) and watch how they behave.

dudara

mats14 - warned for failing to heed mod instruction

dudara

mats14

She seems to always want to put doubt in my mind. She's told me in the past I'm not her type, we don't have a future together, it won't work. "...

and she is absolutely right!

It's all a bit of a head f#@k to be honest. She's even pointed out when lads are hitting on her/waving at her "those two are totally hitting on me

that alone shows you she likes to f*ck with your head/emotions which is toxic. get out now!

Believe me, she loves what you go through right now. She knows exactly what she is doing and how it effects you. Please give yourself a favor and dump her.

lazybones32

Op, you know what needs doing but it isn't easy to see it when you're in the relationship.
Being the best bf won't satiate her need for admiring looks from men, so I would suggest you end this as promptly as possible ((not by text though).
She can't/won't acknowledge the pleasure, esteem or value she gets from being fancied - but don't let it be your problem any longer.

You'll be in the dumps for days or weeks but it's the right move and you know it.

Big Bag of Chips

If you break it down it's not that complicated really.

She's told you in the past
- you're not her type
- you don't have a future together
- it won't work

Take her at her word and say good luck!

LegacyUser

It does seem that way alright. I half wanted to be talked out of it, seeing as everything else in the relationship works really well. She could make me very happy and she does 99.9% of the time. We were only discussing starting a family last week, I know I said she said in the past she thinks we have no future but lately it has gotten better, but I think it's indicative of the limbo I feel I'm existing in that it is still on my mind.

Arevaci

My sense with girls like these is to be very cautious. If you're enjoying the relationship then great, keep it going, but don't invest too much. By invest I mean your time, money, emotions etc. because the relationship could abruptly end once her flirtatious behaviors escalates into something more.

Pulling back from the relationship has two benefits:
You'll get a better sense why she's with you in the first place and how strong your relationship actually is.
If the relationship breaks down, you won't be left feeling like a muppet

December2012

Nobody should feel like they are a second or a third choice.

Her behaviour was unacceptable to you, you asked her to stop, and she won't. I'm sure your sad about it, but for what its worth, based on what you've said it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway.

Better off out of it!

Ursus Horribilis

cognitive dissonance wrote: »

It does seem that way alright. I half wanted to be talked out of it, seeing as everything else in the relationship works really well. She could make me very happy and she does 99.9% of the time. We were only discussing starting a family last week, I know I said she said in the past she thinks we have no future but lately it has gotten better, but I think it's indicative of the limbo I feel I'm existing in that it is still on my mind.

Never date anyone based on their potential or what you think they might do. Your girlfriend's behaviour drove you to start this thread and most of us can understand why. Her behaviour is not acceptable, her attitude stinks and you deserve better. Quite frankly, bringing children into this would be just about the sh*ttiest thing you could do to a human being. Stop trying to talk yourself into thinking you're in a relationship that's normal and healthy. It's not. You're currently in a position to walk without ties. I strongly suggest you do.

leggo

When I'm out with a girl, some may consider this weird, but I don't mind other guys checking her out. I don't even mind her talking to these guys and then coming over and swooping in to take her back (not in a cruel way, mind). It's cool to know you're with someone that other people like. With one ex, we used to even play a game where we'd spot and compare other people checking us out when we were out.

BUT these things are fun and harmless because, ultimately, we're still coming back to each other and it's being done as an honest, inclusive thing.

Your girlfriend seems to be suffering from major self-esteem issues, hence this self-sabotage behaviour ("We've no future together" etc). She's one of those who don't seem to love themselves so judge and mistreat others who like them...yet crave validation from others at every instance because they need it. And here's the thing OP: these people are used to being themselves. It's how they know to get along. So if you're hoping she'll 'break', confess all, smarten up and confess her undying love for you, you're likely going to be kept waiting. She may tell you what you want to hear if you go to dump her, but then she'll go back to her old ways immediately because she'll judge you as a fool for falling for her tricks again.

If she was posting here, she'd get told that she needs to take some time to learn to respect herself before she gets in a relationship, because that's what she needs. She can't respect herself so doesn't respect you. Sadly it falls to you to make this decision for her, get rid and find someone who is capable of respecting and appreciating you. She won't learn or change otherwise.

j4vier

ibarelycare wrote:

You haven't even spoken to her about it and you're already saying your only option is to walk away. Is this something that's been going on a while and, if so, why have you allowed it to? Are you afraid of confrontation? The next time she's doing it just straight up say to her "what are you doing?" and take it from there.

So that just means she ll be more cautious when she does it? People need to be judged by their actions, not what they tell you.

SimpleDimples

leggo wrote: »

Your girlfriend seems to be suffering from major self-esteem issues, hence this self-sabotage behaviour ("We've no future together" etc). She's one of those who don't seem to love themselves so judge and mistreat others who like them...yet crave validation from others at every instance because they need it. And here's the thing OP: these people are used to being themselves. It's how they know to get along. So if you're hoping she'll 'break', confess all, smarten up and confess her undying love for you, you're likely going to be kept waiting. She may tell you what you want to hear if you go to dump her, but then she'll go back to her old ways immediately because she'll judge you as a fool for falling for her tricks again.

This ^^^^^ 100%.

Don't try to fix her or save her either as it won't happen. Deeply unhappy, insecure individuals like this everywhere who crave attention, validation, put others down in order to build themselves up etc. Could you be bothered dealing with such nonsense?

SarahMollie

Yeah OP, I'd suspect that she's the one with insecurity issues here, not you. Actually I'd argue that being strong enough to call her out for unacceptable behavior rather than simply putting up with it shows that you clearly have some self worth rather than being an insecure person.

If you love someone, you don't undermine them. You don't plant seeds in their heads that they're not good enough or that you don't take them seriously. You don't behave in a way that makes them doubt you, ie flirting with others. Thats not loving behavior. She views her ego boost as more important than your feelings, a complete lack of respect IMO.

Its normal and fine for adults in relationships to occasionally have their head turned by an attractive person, but most of us would try to be discrete and not draw out partners attention to it, rather than engaging in lingering looks with the person in question just for an ego boost.