Girlfriends birthday/selfish or....

beaner92

I've been with my gf for 4 years now. Every year for her birthday I get a cake made, I spend a nice amount of money on a thoughtful present. Things she will use and even reminisce about and smile.

Same thing for Christmas great presents ! She thanks me profusely.

Hoooowever when it comes to my birthday, well there's zero planning, zero effort , zero thought. I.e. Last Christmas I bought her a 5 day stay at powerscourt and vouchers to all her favourite stores(11 stores on grafton street) and a nespresso machine.

She bought me a polka dot mug, cadburys chocolate powder and a bag of refresher sweets. And a Yankee candle.

We both earn the similar salaries. Pay cheap rent in Dublin City in our apartment.

I cannot fathom why this happens.

Back to my birthday I got a box of maltesers and.
A card. . Her birthday I planned a trip on the set of her favourite tv show . And a surprise cake cutting and finger food with her closest friends at our apartment .

Now her birthday is coming up in a few days and I don't even feel like doing anything. And I feel terrible. I love seeing her face light up opening her gifts and spending the day with her. But I feel like this is the only way to get my point across. But I'm open to correction so tell me how best to go about it!

LLMMLL

beaner92 wrote: »

<Mod Snip> No need to quote entire post.

Your gifts are quite extreme. Maybe get one nice, thoughtful gift. Also have an adult discussion where you say you feel not much effort is put into your birthday. Don't have this discussion on her birthday. Don't try and make a point by not doing anything and hope she picks up on it.

EagererBeaver

a) you spend too much and appear to equate expressions of lone with financial outlay on presents

b) who pays cheap rent in Dublin?!

Get her a box of Malteesers and a card, seriously

While your gifts sound very generous and extreme, this shouldn't mean that she has to go the whole hog too, but she clearly doesn't care about even pretending to make an effort

Sam Kade

Some people are obsessed with giving and receiving presents, some are not, your girlfriend is the latter. You'll just have to accept it or else move on.

beaner92

Sam Kade wrote: »

Some people are obsessed with giving and receiving presents, some are not, your girlfriend is the latter. You'll just have to accept it or else move on.

I am definitely not obsessed with gift giving. I'd much rather save my money. But I just feel effort should be made to make your partner feel special one day a year.

But as a posted above suggested. I'm going to buy Her a card, a box of maltesers and a mug . If she doesn't say anything I'll take it as she's just fine with my company. Meaning we will both enjoy cheaper birthdays in the future!

Sam Kade

beaner92 wrote: »

I am definitely not obsessed with gift giving. <Mod Snip>

Yeah right, this thread contradicts that.

sammyjo90

I think some people are just BETTER at gift giving..not necessarily more obsessed than others.

My sister for example always manages to buy me something great..fun /quirky. And when I go to try and do that I come up short every time and have to resort to something crappy and meaningless.

At least she is getting you something

RacoonQueen

I agree with sammy. I love giving gifts and putting a lot of thought and effort into them. People tend to love what I give them too - other people just can't do that. I'm always told I'm 'hard' to buy for...I'm the only one in my family for example with hobbies, so beats me how I could be hard to buy for

Sleeper12

It shouldn't be a competition

Ben Gadot

Sounds like she doesn't give a bollox. Whether that's a good or bad thing depends on who you talk to. How does she react towards your gifts? Is there an expectation there?

Mars Bar

Mod

Moved from TLL to a more appropriate forum. Please read the Relationship Issues charter before continuing to post.

Mars Bar

bee06

beaner92 wrote: »

I am definitely not obsessed with gift giving. I'd much rather save my money. But I just feel effort should be made to make your partner feel special one day a year.

But as a posted above suggested. I'm going to buy Her a card, a box of maltesers and a mug . If she doesn't say anything I'll take it as she's just fine with my company. Meaning we will both enjoy cheaper birthdays in the future!

Special doesn't equal spending loads of money. It sounds like you are going totally over the top and she is making no effort what so ever. The only way it will get resolved is if you actually talk about it. She's not a mind reader and if you haven't actually expressed any dissatisfaction at Christmas or birthdays for the last 4 years she doesn't know there is an issue. Especially if you keep going over the top with her presents.

woodchuck

OP you go waaaaaaay over the top with your presents from the sounds of it!!

I wouldn't get her a cheap present just out of spite. How about you just scale it back this year. Get her one thoughtful and not overly expensive present and leave it at that.

As for her presents to you, yes, they're on the cheaper end of the scale, but it shouldn't be a competition either. There may be another reason for this anyway besides money... are you hard to shop for? Or maybe she's actually uncomfortable with your over the top presents and is giving you smaller/cheaper ones in an attempt to get you to scale yours back a bit in kind!

Tigger99

Your gifts sound very intense and over the top. A surprise cake cutting and finger food? Are you trying to overcompensate for something in the relationship, does she show you affection, treat you well generally? Do you feel secure in the relationship?

I think you would be insane to buy more of that type of ott presents. Considering the previous presents, she may expect it so I would say to her that you'll be a lot more low key with presents this year as that's how she seems to prefer present giving.

I'm actually astounded at the presents. Unless my boyfriend could easily afford it, I'd be incredibly uncomfortable with receiving a five day trip to Powerscourt or expensive vouchers from him.

Wesser

Your present is way over the top.
I advise you to buy her a polka dot mug a Yankee candle a chocolate drink sachet and a refresher sweet for her birthday. I am serious that is serious advice

Your presents are certainly extreme but hers are fairly crappy by most people's standards. Find a nice middle ground and the both of ye will benefit

retro:electro

Your gifts are totally ott and excessive. However if you like doing that for her then that's your prerogative. You're either doing it for her because you love her or you're doing it to get the same in return. Which is it? Maybe she thinks you're being excessive too and thus why her gifts to you are more unassuming?
Personally I would be embarrassed if my partner went to such lengths for me.

Colser

You're gifts sound great but a bit extreme imo and hers sound pretty mean tbh.Is she tight with money generally or is it that she's just not into giving presents that require a bit of thought and effort?

Big Bag of Chips

My friends husband used to buy lavish expensive gifts (he couldn't afford!). My friend used to hate it. Obviously she was thankful and appreciative, but she told me she'd appreciate a CD of her favourite band just as much.

He was over compensating for a gambling problem she wasn't aware he had, though.

5 nights in Powerscourt, and vouchers for 11 shops? Why? That is WAY ott, no matter how much you earn. Do you ever have to borrow for these gifts? Or use a credit card?

If you like giving and you like seeing her reaction then why stop? If you're only doing it to get similar in return, then stop.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be mortified if someone was lavishing those sorts of gifts on me. Maybe she's giving you those other gifts as a way of telling you to stop blowing your money like this. I'm sorry but it sounds like you're over-compensating or almost grovelling. Do you feel grateful she's going out with you?

daisybelle2008

Vouchers for 11 shops on Grafton street?! Sweet Jesus that is absolutely nuts, never mind a holiday to Powerscourtand a Nespresso. I'd agree with the other poster and try to understand your motivation. Are you insecure in the relationship? Too be honest I'd feel a bit suffocated by that showy extravagance and wonder if it would be thrown back in my face if I wanted to end things. There is something off about it, like you are being purchased or invested in by someone insecure. Maybe she is trying to give you a hint to tone it back by giving small gifts?

ShaShaBear

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Vouchers for 11 shops on Grafton street?! Sweet Jesus that is absolutely nuts, never mind a holiday to Powerscourtand a Nespresso.

TBH I'd feel like my partner was trying to rent the relationship if he was buying me that kind of stuff! Ever think maybe by buying you small, insignificant gifts, she is trying to get the point across to you that its not that big of a deal?!

Flibble

I remember a friend of mine being in a relationship where there was a constant pressure to think up these amazing, expensive thoughtful gifts for each other. Dublin city wide scavenger hunt, 30 gifts for the 30th, a cardboard model of a shopping centre made into a personalised board game containing her fave shops & a voucher for each inside etc etc etc. It became a competition & less about trying to do something nice for each other.

Honestly OP, relax. Stop trying to demonstrate your love for her in ridiculous ways, it's creating resentment in you & you seem to want it to create a sense of obligation in her. Buy her smaller, thoughtful gifts, and save your money to do stuff together more often, perhaps.

It's far too much unnecessary pressure!!

punisher5112

She fell on her feet there.

You honestly need to calm down on amount spent and take a leaf out of her book.

DeltaWhite

Honestly op I agree with the other posters who say you're being ott with the gifts. I went on 2 dates with a guy last year and on our 3rd date he gave me a €200 bottle of champagne for my birthday. It was too much and I tried to give it back to him because I did not feel comfortable taking it. He wouldn't take it back and I hate to say but I stopped seeing him pretty quick after that. Every date was over the top and I could not be in a relationship with someone like that. I would never be able to compete with someone who forks out for birthdays like that. Sometimes the small and simple things in life are more enjoyable, and it sounds like your girlfriend is trying to send you that hint.

The J Stands for Jay

It sounds like you put no thought whatsoever into your gifts. A load of vouchers and a generic coffee machine like you'd give your in-laws?

Pkiernan

beaner92 wrote: »

I've been with my gf for 4 yeas now..... But I feel like this is the only way to get my point across. But I'm open to correction so tell me how best to go about it!

Why not tell her how you feel ?

LegacyUser

Christ, no one wants or needs 5days in Powerscourt you'd be bored off your t*ts! It definitely seems like you're overcompensating. A nice treat is nice, this is excessive and not at all attractive. She did the right thing in not getting you a lavish gift if she wants to set a new reasonable standard. Who are you trying to impress, because it isn't her!?

Big Bag of Chips

beaner92 wrote: »

I spend a nice amount of money on a thoughtful present. Things she will use...

Last Christmas I bought her a 5 day stay at powerscourt and vouchers to all her favourite stores(11 stores on grafton street) and a nespresso machine.

I was just about to post what McGaggs said!
Vouchers aren't thoughtful presents. A stay in a hotel isn't a thoughtful present. A Nespresso machine is the "in" present these days. Not exactly thoughtful.

The trip to the set of her favourite show (Coronation St?) that's probably thoughtful.

I think you have confusing "expensive" with thoughtful. I love mugs. Love them. And I love getting a mug personally chosen for me by someone who has an idea of what I'd like. It could cost €1.50 from Dealz for all I'd care. Vouchers, no matter what for, are the most impersonal present you can ever give someone.... And you gave her 11 of them.

Her birthday is in a few days. This year surprise her. With something that costs less than €20. A mug, new pyjamas, a big bar of her favourite chocolate. Something like that.

If she leaves you, then you'll know. And have saved yourself a fortune at the same time. My guess is she might be a bit relieved.

freshpopcorn

When I read the thread first OP I thought your gifts were normal but when I read it again I think you did give here a lot at Christmas. One of those things would have done.
I think you know the score with her now OP. Giving expensive gifts is not for her. Does she put any thought into the gifts are the things shes gives you things you'd like?
Do you come from a family who gives each other good presents? We generally try and give each other good stuff and sometimes it would be expensive enough and others it wouldn't but it's something the person would like. Same with Birthday cakes we'd often get a cake/Pavlova that the person likes made at a bakery. I'd happily give somebody a gift that only cost a few euro but I hate giving people rubbish but to some people present shopping is I have to buy something and that's that. So anything will do.
I'd give up with the expensive gifts now because they don't seem to be her thing and she's only with you for the gifts you'll find out.

dixiefly

beaner92 wrote: »

B]I.e. Last Christmas I bought her a 5 day stay at powerscourt and vouchers to all her favourite stores(11 stores on grafton street) and a nespresso machine. [/B]

Bill Gates wouldnt even buy that much!

I cant add much to what was advised but would maybe suggest something fairly modest (cetainly no more than €100 worth) and go for a meal.

notsoyoungwan

Wtf?? 5 days in powerscourt, vouchers for 11 Grafton St shops and a nespresso machine?? Op, I earn almost 200k annually and I wouldn't spend that much on a Christmas present. It's ridiculously extravagant and OTT. Neither would I like receiving gifts like that, because of the extravagance and the sense I was being bought but also because as others have said, they're actually quite generic gifts.

The present I cherish most, out of all those I've ever received, from family, boyfriends, friends, cost less than a tenner. My sister put a photo of her kids and me in the centre of a big frame, got the kids to handwrite things about me all around it and titled it "reasons we love notsoyoungwan". The things the kids wrote were typically childish things like "she brings us sweets", "she buys us cool presents" , "she reads us stories", "she lets us paint her nails", "she loves us", "she gives fab hugs", "she lets us have sleepovers in her house" etc etc. When I opened it, it brought tears to my eyes. I was really overwhelmed. It's now hanging on my bedroom wall and every single day I look at it and smile. That's a thoughtful present, not just throwing money at something.

meeeeh

Your girlfriend's presents are the type you give to people you don't care about. And yours are the type someone desperate for love and attention would give.

Get your girlfriend small but thoughtful gift. Her reaction should tell you a lot.

bee06

My husband always says the best presents I get him are the baskets I make up of his favourite things. It could be a basket of hula hoops, his fav chocolate, biscuits etc. Doesn't cost much but it takes thought and effort to put together. As many people have said money does not equal a good present. It's very easy to throw money at a present situation.

punisher5112

If she bought me a Ferrari or f1 I would totally change my opinion.....

squonk

How is the rest of the relationship? Meeeh's post got my wheels spinning. Is she just with you for the payoff? The fact her presents are so crap has me wondering!

Persephone kindness

My ex had nothing. But his nothing was my nothing. And vice versa. What was his was mine.

Sorry OP. I don't measure love in things. Or gifts. Only you know how you are treated.

I would rather be with a guy who had nothing but his heart was big enough to give me the world.

leggo

The first Christmas/birthday/Valentines you spend together you might spend a bit of money and spoil each other. Then, in my and other couples I know experience, it becomes a thing where you'd discuss how much to spend on each other. Like it's perfectly normal to have conversations about this just because it's not practical to spend a ton on partners for every occasion. I'm wondering why these conversations have never been had here? Like why has she never been like "stop spoiling me, it's too much" or why have you never been like "how much will we spend this time?"

I think whatever the answer is to that is the answer to your problem...and it might be uncomfortable.

arayess

her presents are pretty sh1t tbh
yours are way over the top too.

there is no hope for either of you

dellas1979

Maybe she is mean with money? Maybe she values savings more? Maybe she does love getting the expensive gifts?

We dunno.

But if giving expensive gifts at this stage is making you uncomfortable, then simply just stop.

Also, maybe you can ask your ownself why expensive gifts are so meaningful to you? What is it a demonstration of?

osarusan

I agree with others that your gifts are way over the top.

That said, there's no way she can't have noticed the disparity between the value of the gifts you are getting each other.

Some posters have said that maybe she's just not all that into presents, which is fair enough, but if that were the case, I think she'd be a bit more forthcoming about it, rather than allowing your extravagance to continue.


So, for 3 or 4 birthdays (Christmas too?) this has been going on. I wonder if your presents get even more costly as time goes on, to see how she responds when it's her turn.

Have either of you ever said anything to each other?

meeeeh

dellas1979 wrote: »

Maybe she is mean with money? Maybe she values savings more? Maybe she does love getting the expensive gifts?

We dunno.

But if giving expensive gifts at this stage is making you uncomfortable, then simply just stop.

Also, maybe you can ask your ownself why expensive gifts are so meaningful to you? What is it a demonstration of?

In fairness to op there are cheap and thoughtful gifts and there is gathering of gifts you got at office party and passing them on to your oh. All that was missing is a Christmas three car freshener. I would be seriously insulted by gifts like that and it has nothing to do with value.

dellas1979

meeeeh wrote: »

In fairness to op there are cheap and thoughtful gifts and there is gathering of gifts you got at office party and passing them on to your oh. All that was missing is a Christmas three car freshener. I would be seriously insulted by gifts like that and it has nothing to do with value.

The OP seems to be equating expensive gifts to mean something meaningful. Most of us (maybe longer in the tooth) people know thats not meaningful. From a saving her money point of view, yes. I get a feeling she loves the expensive gifts. For the wrong reasons. She doesnt seem to have said "John, wow-I appreciate all the gifts, but something small would be just perfect too". He hasnt said anything about her communicating that she doesnt like this. In this case, Id see it as scrounger on her part.

Am curious if this is the case. And if so, should ask himself why.

I dont equate expensive gifts as meaningful. Neither would I equate a car fresher (!) as something meaningful (to me).

I got a present lately (was a bday) of a balloon in a box. Was fantastic to open! And I also got a print out photos of trips Id been on. And a beautiful quote that they said reminded them of me.

If someone spent that amount on me for any occasion, I would be worried for them financially and have a word. She (apparently) has never said anything.

meeeeh

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dont equate expensive gifts as meaningful. Neither would I equate a car fresher (!) as something meaningful (to me).

My point was that op's partner gave him completely thoughtless gifts. Most of the stuff he listed you could get as free extra when ordering over fifty euro of stationary on Viking. I absolutely agree that op's gifts are way over the top but he at least put some thought into them, she did not. I think it's better to give nothing than what her gift was.

Airyfairy12

How do you pay cheap rent in Dublin?

Your gifts for her are very extravagant, the most my ex got me for my birthday was a bottle of Chanel no 5 and I was over the moon with it, I still have some left that I save for special occasions. If you want to splash out on big expensive gifts for her thats your choice but dont do it with the condition that you get the same in return. If you feel youre being let down then stop spending so much on her. Why not just take her out for lunch (in a reasonably priced place) and maybe give her a 50 euro voucher for Brown Thomas or Mac or something?

con___manx1

Op your gifts are over the top. Better off saving the money and spending on a great Holliday somewhere or a weekend away. That way you will have memories instead of materials. That's just my opinion anyway.

jlm29

meeeeh wrote: »

My point was that op's partner gave him completely thoughtless gifts. Most of the stuff he listed you could get as free extra when ordering over fifty euro of stationary on Viking. I absolutely agree that op's gifts are way over the top but he at least put some thought into them, she did not. I think it's better to give nothing than what her gift was.

But maybe he absolutely loves Yankee candles, and refresher sweets, he didn't specify. I bought my oh a lotto ticket and a Swiss roll for his birthday. But he just loves Swiss rolls. And I'm pretty sure he would love to win the lotto too. I'm not a big tight, if he wanted something for €50, or €100 I'd buy that. But he's exceptionally difficult to buy for, and he's not interested in "stuff"

ibarelycare

Yeah the OP's presents are over the top, but people seem to be focusing way too much on that rather than the gf's apparent stinginess.

I'd like to know what her reaction is to the OP's presents. Is she not embarrassed receiving such extravagant presents when she doesn't return the favour? I think it's really bad form of her to continue accepting the expensive gifts from OP and then turn around and spend €20 on him. I'd be mortified if that was me and there's not a chance I'd let it go even once, let alone twice a year for 4 years. Plus my friends and family would (rightly) tell me I was a scab!

I'm very interested in what the relationship is like outside of the gift giving. And OP I'd definitely be just getting her something small for her birthday.

sbsquarepants

I have to say - I would actually be embarrassed/annoyed if someone was giving me presents like that (by that I mean you OP - it's way too much!)

11 gift cards! What the hell does anyone want with 11 gift cards - who even has 11 "favourite" shops?

Maybe something OTT like this for some milestone birthday but for a run of the mill once a year nothing day, it's madness and I'm not one little bit surprised she doesn't want to reciprocate, I certainly wouldn't want to either.

*eadaoin

I don't know why everyone here is hell bent on telling OP he's in the wrong for buying expensive gifts? The guy clearly likes to spoil his girlfriend and puts effort into getting her something special twice a year, there's nothing wrong with that, why is he being judged so harshly? If he can afford it why the hell not, his girlfriend clearly appreciates it and has expressed that to him.

OP, have you ever heard of love languages? If not, give it a google, there's a website and a book that you and your girlfriend might find helpful. The idea is that there are different ways that we express love and care, and different things that made us feel loved and cared for. Gift giving and receiving is one of the main love languages and it's absolutely not unusual to love giving gifts and feeling loved when you receive a gift with some effort put into it.

You clearly are a gift giver. Don't let this thread shame you for that, there's nothing wrong with it. What seems to be going wrong with you and your girlfriend is that she's got a different love language. She seems to enjoy the gifts you give her, but perhaps she doesn't express her love in the same way as you, so she doesn't automatically understand how this is making you feel.

Neither of you are to blame in this sense, but you clearly have different expectations that are not being communicated. The best thing to do is read up about love languages, then sit and have a chat with your girlfriend about it. She's not a mind reader, you can't expect her to magically know that you're unhappy about something and hope it will change. I seriously doubt that she is being selfish, you just have to communicate your needs to her instead of expecting that she innately understands them. If she was continually ignoring needs that you had expressed, then I'd be worried, but for now it seems like she's just not aware of how you're feeling.

I also wouldn't expect her to give back to the same level that you do. You do like to over the top with gifts, and not a lot of people would be comfortable spending money that way. However, I think you'd be happy if she just put a bit more effort into making things special.

Like all couples, you have different ideas of how relationships work, clear communication is the key to working this all out.

And remember, not everyone looks at life the same way that you do. A lot of our beef with other people tends to disappear if we understand that others have different rule books they live by, different expectations and needs, and different ways of interacting with the world. Most of what appears selfish really isn't malicious at all, it's simply each of us assuming that the rest of the world should think and act like we do. We're all guilty of this, but a little understanding, compassion and communication can make relationships work much more smoothly.

Good luck OP, she's lucky to have a guy who likes to spoil her