Dating Issue - genuinely just want opinions on my latest date

liamtech

First time posting here although i have glanced at a few threads and chats before - just looking for opinions tbh!

Had a fantastic date on saturday - met online on a site - chatted for a few days and agreed to meet - lots in common - interests, music, TV and the Gym!

Anyway long story short we met and had a wonderful night! so much so that half way through the lady announced she would really like to see me again! - Definite attraction and when she moved to kiss me - well i was delighted! and reciprocated OF COURSE - dancing, few drinks music and i made sure she was in a taxi home before i set off to get the nitelink!

Next day i texted her - it was one of those texts you send after a first date that went well - i had a great time, really glad i met you, and cant wait to meet again! I want to be clear as a new comer to this forum that aside from some heavy duty kissing which was entirely mutual i might add - nothing happened!

Anyway i received a response - not word for word but effectively - had a good time - i dont want to see u again - goodbye -

Now im not one that reacts badly to being rejected - hell i wouldnt last lo9ng in this world if i was - but it was WAY out of the blue and didnt tally with anything that had gone before - no explanation just cheerio

The trouble is its not the first time that something like this has happened! several dates i have had that seemed to go very well, and where the interest APPEARED real and mutual - only to be told shortly there after - no thanks! I want to be clear that the above example is certainly the most extreme case, and obviouysly fresh in my mind - but in general these were great dates - with genuine interest and attraction, and chemistry! Proper mutual interest, and the latest example - well honestly the compliments that i was payed by this lady were very touching and she seemed ecstatic

Is it possible many of these women are married or something? or rebounding? again we arent talking about an average date with 'nothing going on' between man and women -

Anyway i appreciate any opinions given and il answer any questions you guys have

thanks

nuckeythompson

Alot of girls use these apps for free nights. After a while you suss them out in fifteen minutes

Airyfairy12

I dont know anyone that uses dating sites for free nights out.

Op it could have been anything, maybe she got back together with an ex, maybe she was humouring you on the date and didn't feel any chemistry, maybe she didnt like the tone of the text you sent her..where you very forward? I recently had a date with someone and it seemed to go well until afterwards I got an intense/creepy text and that was that, he was quickly deleted and blocked. Tbh it could be anything, we can only speculate. Best thing to do is move on and not overthink it, her change of mind could be completely unrelated to you for all anyone knows.

liamtech

nuckeythompson wrote: »

Alot of girls use these apps for free nights. After a while you suss them out in fifteen minutes

thanks for the reply man - tbh im aware of that type of date - and have almost totally avoided them if im honest - im not working at the moment so money is not readily available for buying dozens of rounds - got caught out once with a girl who 'forgot' her purse - i like an eejit said not to worry and offered to take care of the evening - regretted that when her taste for 'double Vodkas and Redbulls' became apparent

The date mentioned above - and several preceeding that one back in january and february were genuine - we bought rounds one at a time - and if anything, perhaps i bought an extra one to be nice

The reason i asked if you guys reckon the ladies might be attached is that in the course of conversation, on a first date we often talk about dating in general - and how there are so many married people on tinder and POF!

liamtech

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

I dont know anyone that uses dating sites for free nights out.

Op it could have been anything, maybe she got back together with an ex, maybe she was humouring you on the date and didn't feel any chemistry, maybe she didnt like the tone of the text you sent her..where you very forward? I recently had a date with someone and it seemed to go well until afterwards I got an intense/creepy text and that was that, he was quickly deleted and blocked. Tbh it could be anything, we can only speculate. Best thing to do is move on and not overthink it, her change of mind could be completely unrelated to you for all anyone knows.

You are probably right but when it came to being forward - i have to say - she was in the drivers seat on that one! what annoys me is - logically speaking - kf there was no chemistry, she did a fantastic job of convincing me that there was! im pretty honest with people- i am not a serial dater - and when im on one where im not interested in the lady - i will politely say so at the end of the night - but saturday was the exact opposite

December2012

Have you had dates with people where there wasn't chemistry?

How good is your perception of chemistry and a positive response? Were you only hearing what you wanted?

liamtech

December2012 wrote: »

Have you had dates with people where there wasn't chemistry?

How good is your perception of chemistry and a positive response? Were you only hearing what you wanted?

yea i absolutely have - like i said im not a serial dater - but i have had several where in or around 15 minutes in - its clear to me that im not romantically interested - other times as i have chatted with a date, its become obvious to me that we just dont click -

The date i described in the opening post was the polar opposite to this - interests were alligned to the point where we had detailed conversations about various films and sch - im not saying we agreed on everything of course but - it was a great date and we clicked - on every level - the lady who was very attractive to me, was vocal in her confirmation that she was interested - the phrase 'where have you been all my life' was echoed in a flirty manner several times -

previous dates that i mentioned were pretty similar tbh -

Without wanting to seem cold, its hard to conclude anyting other than the ladies in question were lying about having common interests AND being interested in me romantically - the latest one flabbergasted me with her response the following day - quite literally -

it was like having an AMAZING interview for a job - being told your right for this! and definitely be back for a second round interview - then receiving an email saying your not qualified or suitable at all - a total U-Turn

tara73

it's strange, yes, and I fully undertsand your frustration.

we can only speculate, people often have the weirdest reasons for their acting which often are behind our horizons. and also often people behave incoherent without them knowing, they have issues, act subconsciously. human behaviour is, unfortunately, most of the times not logical.

could be she's getting a kick out of leading men on/if they fall for her and then telling them to f** off. Would be my first guess, because her behaviour sounds extreme. But there could be many other reasons too.

I guess most important is to not take it personal, I know it's hard, but it's the only way to get over such stuff. She only met you that one evening so she doesn't really know you at all. The thing is on her side, has nothing to do with you being not good enough or anything in this direction.

liamtech

tara73 wrote: »

it's strange, yes, and I fully undertsand your frustration.

we can only speculate, people often have the weirdest reasons for their acting which often are behind our horizons. and also often people behave incoherent without them knowing, they have issues, act subconsciously. human behaviour is, unfortunately, most of the times not logical.

could be she's getting a kick out of leading men on/if they fall for her and then telling them to f** off. Would be my first guess, because her behaviour sounds extreme. But there could be many other reasons too.

I guess most important is to not take it personal, I know it's hard, but it's the only way to get over such stuff. She only met you that one evening so she doesn't really know you at all. The thing is on her side, has nothing to do with you being not good enough or anything in this direction.

Yea i agree with you - certainly the getting a kick out of knocking down interested guys is a possibility - and of course people are not logical -

just that this type of thing REALLY puts me off dating tbh -

Tigger99

I've had a few dates where we got on well, had a few drinks and a snog and both people suggested meeting again only to have one of us send a similar message the next morning.

In my case, I sent the thanks but no thanks text when I had a great time with them but realised that we weren't compatible long term when I thought about the date afterwards, without beer goggles One was big into drugs, another didn't want children, a third was angry with the world.

Honestly if I were you I'd do a bit of self reflection in terms of the women I'm meeting and any common themes.

athtrasna

To be honest your text message sounds a bit keen to me. Might make me hesitate to see you again if I got a message like that so soon after the first date.

liamtech

I get what you guys are saying - tbh the message is almost a standard 'post 1st date' message - i was in a long term relationship for years, which ended 3 years ago - i was totally out of the dating game, but almost every 1st date i have had was followed up with the lady in question sending a kind message thanking me for the date, and saying how they had a good time etc

Seems a standard to me - again without typing it here - i can confirm it wasnt sexual or suggestive - heck i wouldnt even call it flirty it was just a basic thanks and would really like to do this again as discussed

as to me having issues a kin to drugs or anger - nah - honestly dont - funny thing was the areas i am obsessed with (we all have them) were common! films, genres, etc

anyway i get what you guys are saying - all opinions welcome and i may become a regular here - its great to hash out opinions

silverharp

might it be being out of a job?

liamtech

silverharp wrote: »

might it be being out of a job?

Certainly could be but to be honest - known before hand - also i am trying to complete a masters so its not like i am a coach potato - if a person was reluctant to date a guy based on employment status - thats fine, if a little shallow - i know many people out of work

Cupcake_Crisis

I think it's just one of those things tbh. You'll drive yourself mad trying to figure out the logic behind it. It could be that she was intentionally leading you on, or it could be that she just didn't feel the same chemistry you did. The dating world is brutal, you'll run into a lot of this.

santana75

liamtech wrote: »

, few drinks music and i made sure she was in a taxi home before i set off to get the nitelink!

Say what? You were kissing and and then you politely put her into a taxi and while you got the nightlink??? To me its obvious why she cut off contact after that. You needed to bring her back to your place that same night or go to hers. You were being way too much of a nice guy when what she wanted was to get it on. Man you need to take your chances when they're there in front of you. She wanted sex. With you. That night. And you went home!!!! Just learn the lesson and dont be the nice boy you think society wants you to be.

retro:electro

I think it's the "I'm really glad I met you" bit of your text that may have put her off. She may have thought whoa, I'm just in this for a bit of fun he seems a bit forthright. You seem sound though, I'm sure you'll meet someone lovely soon.

redfox123

If a person genuinely likes you, they will hold back. There will be no over the top exclamations and vacuous platitudes such as your date was saying without any hesitation. It's very scripted with no genuine emotion behind it, it's like 'practice' flirting. Could be she didn't fancy you and felt comfortable enough to be fake flirty, have a good laugh and enjoy the night because she may as well have since she made the effort to go out. But I can bet she saw you as a friend/brother type and hence why the date was so good; there was no nervousness or watching what she said and wanting to actually impress. As soon as I don't fancy someone or know it won't go any further, all nervousness goes out the window and I get on with them really well! Not all but I think women can act kind of coy and feminine if they like someone, they want to put their best foot forward and not put someone off by being all over the top. Also, you may have come across very keen which could have been off putting.

Could be that, or lots of other things, you don't know. I would though in future not have any expectations on dates and go with the flow. No matter how well it goes ultimately you have no control over whether she wants to see you again or not it's her choice, and most the time with dating it won't go anywhere, so you may as well relax and enjoy as much as possible, like you both did.

Xterminator

If a person genuinely likes you, they will hold back.

i disagree with that statement.
you cannot say that if someone doesn't hold back they are not being genuine.
just NO to that statement.

some people you meet wear their hearts on their sleeves. they dont hold back, they say what they think.

OP for may years fellas who had lots of dates were great, they were lads, etc. Girls who had lots of dates were viewed differently. I think technology has closed that gap, and now the 'laddetes' can get out there, and if they desire never see the same guy twice. It sounds like you might have met a couple of them.

But not everyone is the same, perhaps you are looking at long odds but you only need to find one diamond, among the rest to make it worthwhile.

liamtech

santana75 wrote: »

Say what? You were kissing and and then you politely put her into a taxi and while you got the nightlink??? To me its obvious why she cut off contact after that. You needed to bring her back to your place that same night or go to hers. You were being way too much of a nice guy when what she wanted was to get it on. Man you need to take your chances when they're there in front of you. She wanted sex. With you. That night. And you went home!!!! Just learn the lesson and dont be the nice boy you think society wants you to be.

OK well there was quite a few responses overnight so thanks!

Firstly the above - tbh in the days prior to meeting we had discussed the dos and donts of dating and the above is really not what either of us were into - now i realize that could have been a pretense? but tbh i saw no evidence to suggest that was a possibility

As to holding back, well i certainly didnt see an of that!

The idea of 'not really fancying someone' and then relaxing into a genuinely friendly and fun, albeit not romantic evening sounds closer to the mark, except for the one SERIOUS problem.. ie.. what she said and how she acted were the polar opposite - if anything the resounding message was 'YES' to fancy, attraction and fun

Finally the ladettes idea put forward by XTerminator - seems plausible to me - go with the flow and fain interest despite it not being real - i suppose a stereotypical opinion of guys is that we do that - iv had many an encounter with ladies online who consider (and will readily state) that 'All guys are the same' and 'we are only after one thing'

TBH the encounter has substantially put me off dating - i like the way i behave - im not over the top but im no prude either - i dont feel like second guessing a persons intention - i sit down, have a drink, conversation, some banter if its appropriate, and take a night as it comes. more importantly, im not dishonest - if a girl who, despite being a lovely person, is not romantically interesting to me, i will not make any moves, and if a move is made by them, i will politely refuse

I think it can be cruel to lead someone down the path and then cut the cord and say cheerio - then again, im sure it happens with alarming regularity

cactusgal

liamtech wrote: »

i like the way i behave - im not over the top but im no prude either - i dont feel like second guessing a persons intention - i sit down, have a drink, conversation, some banter if its appropriate, and take a night as it comes. more importantly, im not dishonest

Good for you, OP. So, this girl has rejected you for whatever reason, but you've acted in a way that is you, and that reflects your character, and you are, and should remain, satisfied with that. You sound like a nice guy with a good head on your shoulders. I know it stings to be rejected, but I'm confident you'll meet the right girl in time

I've been in your position where I've had dates, thought they went well, and still ended up being rejected. It sucked, but I was myself, presenting who and what I am, and I was happy with that. When I met the right guy, he was happy with that, too

liamtech

cactusgal wrote: »

Good for you, OP. So, this girl has rejected you for whatever reason, but you've acted in a way that is you, and that reflects your character, and you are, and should remain, satisfied with that. You sound like a nice guy with a good head on your shoulders. I know it stings to be rejected, but I'm confident you'll meet the right girl in time

I've been in your position where I've had dates, thought they went well, and still ended up being rejected. It sucked, but I was myself, presenting who and what I am, and I was happy with that. When I met the right guy, he was happy with that, too

I appreciate the word pal - im veering toward taking a breather from dating for a while - despite the lovely evening i feel that if i had a date in the weeks to come, i would second guess it.

Again though i appreciate your words and well done on meeting the right guy - if he has a sister please tell her to keep me in mind! :pac:

Cupcake_Crisis

I think it's important as well to not let a couple of bad dates change how you behave on dates. Don't fall into the 'women only want a bad boy' trap, because it's a load of all crap.

Bambi985

I find it way, way easier to flirt with someone when I don't fancy them. Almost to the point where it's been a problem for me in my dating life - attracting men that I'm not into while the ones I actually fancy think I'm cold and aloof :-D

It sounds to me like you fell into the friend zone fairly quickly after meeting and your date felt at ease and nerve-free enough to have a bit of banter, have the craic, poke fun and throw all the cheesy platitudes your way. "Where have you been all my life" is fairly meaningless in the run of things, and having a cheeky kiss is par-for-the-course on an internet date after a few drinks.

Also bearing in mind that tinder and its like tends to foster a "try them out for size" attitude in people that you don't find as much in offline scenarios. When you can line up a different date for every night of the week as most women on tinder can, you tend to be less invested in any one person and more likely to be put off for the most superficial or trivial of reasons. It can also foster a false sense of intimacy, when you're over-and-backing with someone on whatsapp for days and feel like you already know them before even meeting. Definitely requires a thick skin and taking everything and everyone with a pinch of salt.

amtc

I had a wonderful date years ago...so into each other...finished each other's sentences...gazing across a table. He was there when I got there and said he had a sore ankle so I told him not to get up. I did think it odd that he didn't go to the bathroom in six hours despite having as many pints. So as we go to leave he gets up and he was tiny teeny tiny. It's not that I'm tall (5 6) but he would've fitted under my arm. I did get a really nice text later but I just couldn't bring myself to lead him on and so sent a text as the op describes. Call me shallow, but if he was confident in it I would've probably have gone on a second date.

redfox123

Xterminator wrote: »

i disagree with that statement.
you cannot say that if someone doesn't hold back they are not being genuine.
just NO to that statement.

some people you meet wear their hearts on their sleeves. they dont hold back, they say what they think.

:rolleyes: ok so I forgot the usual small print 'I have to make it clear not everyone is like this but as a general rule in normal human interaction in the dating world etc etc'. I just meant most people, if they are into someone, will not be like oh I'd marry you, I think I love you, you're the one, we're soul mates, where've you been all my life blah blah on the first few dates (or even first few months) because guess what they are terrified of scaring the person away because they want to see them again, and don't want to blow it . If they are a well balanced person they will take the time to gauge their own feelings too, they value themselves and if it's going well will hold back that little bit knowing they don't know this person really at all, so most are not forthright with feelings or intentions early on out of respect and not knowing where they stand with the other person too.

leggo

That's dating, it's a harsh world these days. Just keep doing what you're doing, though, be yourself and don't try let it compromise you and something will click. Remonstrating on things that didn't go well won't help you, it'll get you overthinking and questioning yourself until you're no longer the person you're happy with, and you'll be in a mess. Just look at it as this person wasn't interested, that's okay, you did nothing wrong and it's just another experience under your belt. That advice sounds generic as anything, but really there's nothing more to it...

LLMMLL

She just went on a date and enjoyed herself. She probably wasn't sure what she thought for most of it. Would it make you feel better if after half an hour she became cold and distant and slightly rude? You had one date followed a day later by a polite rejection. As far as I can see she behaved perfectly appropriately.

There are two things I would say:

1. You will never know her reasons. This thread will not help you figure them out.

2. She didn't reject you in a cruel way. You just don't like being rejected. That's not a criticism. For the majority of people, even a mild sensitive rejection stings. If you need to take a break from dating to build yourself back up that's fine. But it's not going to sting any less if it hapoens again in a month. I'd recommend finding a way to deal with rejection or completely dropping online dating.

liamtech

LLMMLL wrote: »

She just went on a date and enjoyed herself. She probably wasn't sure what she thought for most of it. Would it make you feel better if after half an hour she became cold and distant and slightly rude? You had one date followed a day later by a polite rejection. As far as I can see she behaved perfectly appropriately.

There are two things I would say:

1. You will never know her reasons. This thread will not help you figure them out.

2. She didn't reject you in a cruel way. You just don't like being rejected. That's not a criticism. For the majority of people, even a mild sensitive rejection stings. If you need to take a break from dating to build yourself back up that's fine. But it's not going to sting any less if it hapoens again in a month. I'd recommend finding a way to deal with rejection or completely dropping online dating.

Thanks for all the responses - tbh i disagree with the above post - obviously no one likes to be rejected - but a mere rejection would not have prompted me to post this - i think perhaps i would be repeating myself if i started over and explained, so respectfully, perhaps read the original post

The point i was trying to make was not simply that the date went well - it was the behavior and attitude of the lady in question - she requested a second date - she said she was interested - and a second date was all but planned with her being the instigator of that line of planning - her behavior, being very forward only served as a reinforcement of this line of thinking - and then in a single line text the following day, all of that was retconned and in effect i was told not to contact her again - OF COURSE she has the right to do this, that is not in question at all!

Without wanting this to evolve into an argument i sense a touch of negativity and point scoring in your response? i specifically stated i have no issue with rejection it happens all the time! especially in dating - the purpose of this discussion/thread was simply to get opinions on dating - and to ascertain why this lady and others in the past, seem to imply both directly (asking for second date) and indirectly (through behavior) that they are interested - and then for no apparent reason, change there mind

to quote you "As far as I can see she behaved perfectly appropriately."

I do not believe it is appropriate in any sense of the word, to lead people on - and that is what i feel occured here -

In any case dealing with rejection is one thing that as i said, we all have to deal with

No offense intended at all and i appreciate yours, and everyones opinion - its just in the case of yours i feel as though, perhaps, you didnt read the post

Finally you asked whether or not i would have prefered if she became cold and rude - in a word - yes - i would - when a date turns this way, both parties usually and respectfully go their separate ways - no harm done - and i would certainly not be on boards asking 'why did this happen' and asking for opinions -

retro:electro

Look, she changed her mind. That's the ins and outs of it really. You don't know why and you'll probably never know why. You're tormenting yourself here going over it and in all honesty it's unhealthy! I see why it must be frustrating but it's just the name of the game when dating and you wouldn't be the first it has happened to. You need to stop mulling over it now and get on with things.

liamtech

anna080 wrote: »

Look, she changed her mind. That's the ins and outs of it really. You don't know why and you'll probably never know why. You're tormenting yourself here going over it and in all honesty it's unhealthy! I see why it must be frustrating but it's just the name of the game when dating and you wouldn't be the first it has happened to. You need to stop mulling over it now and get on with things.

agreed but i am happy to discuss dating and dos and donts - along with opinions on how to read how a date is going - for the record i dont find this tormenting in any way? i realize many will probably view this as a self delusion on my part - but in all honesty - i am curious as to peoples opinions

For the record too, i have received emails from people who have had similar dates - ie ones where it seemed well and both parties interested only to be dropped the following day

If i am giving you the impression that the experience has me distraught then im sorry i should have been clearer - anyway we seem to be meandering slightly

Jurgen Klopp

People can be oddballs and complicated creatures man. Just jot her down as a messer and move on to the next one is best for your head and I say the same for the girls that would get similar to what you experienced

Can't ever imagine kissing someone I know I wouldn't want to meet again

Baron Kurtz

Did you return a message to the rebuff?

Maybe your initial message killed it. Play it cool, Gill. Play it cool!

Gangu

Would you just ask her why? Is that too crazy an idea?

LLMMLL

liamtech wrote: »

The point i was trying to make was not simply that the date went well - it was the behavior and attitude of the lady in question - she requested a second date - she said she was interested - and a second date was all but planned with her being the instigator of that line of planning - her behavior, being very forward only served as a reinforcement of this line of thinking - and then in a single line text the following day, all of that was retconned and in effect i was told not to contact her again - OF COURSE she has the right to do this, that is not in question at all!

Without wanting this to evolve into an argument i sense a touch of negativity and point scoring in your response? i specifically stated i have no issue with rejection it happens all the time! especially in dating - the purpose of this discussion/thread was simply to get opinions on dating - and to ascertain why this lady and others in the past, seem to imply both directly (asking for second date) and indirectly (through behavior) that they are interested - and then for no apparent reason, change there mind

to quote you "As far as I can see she behaved perfectly appropriately."

I do not believe it is appropriate in any sense of the word, to lead people on - and that is what i feel occured here -

In any case dealing with rejection is one thing that as i said, we all have to deal with

No offense intended at all and i appreciate yours, and everyones opinion - its just in the case of yours i feel as though, perhaps, you didnt read the post

Finally you asked whether or not i would have prefered if she became cold and rude - in a word - yes - i would - when a date turns this way, both parties usually and respectfully go their separate ways - no harm done - and i would certainly not be on boards asking 'why did this happen' and asking for opinions -

I'm not sure what you mean by point scoring. I don't see where there are points to be scored.

I think you have a perspective issue. You describe being led up the garden path but you were rejected probably less than 24 hours after a first date. It's not like you were discussing getting engaged. The way you describe her message in the OP sounds polite but in your last post it's described as "don't contact me again" which would be rude. Are you starting to portray her as some kind of villain in your mind?

I'm sorry if you don't like the tone of my post but I think what you're looking for here is lots of opinions on what her reasons might be to lessen anxiety you feel about the situation. And I think that anxiety is coming from hurt at rejection. Do you really believe another 100 opinions on why she might have changed her mind will help you understand in any meaningful way?

tara73

anna080 wrote: »

Look, she changed her mind. That's the ins and outs of it really. You don't know why and you'll probably never know why. You're tormenting yourself here going over it and in all honesty it's unhealthy! I see why it must be frustrating but it's just the name of the game when dating and you wouldn't be the first it has happened to. You need to stop mulling over it now and get on with things.

I think the OP is not mulling it over, it's just people come on here posting that this woman behaved perfectly normal or approbriate when she hasn't. It's pretty clear when reading the original post and the other explanations from the OP.
I think it's fair enough the OP want to stand to correct this.

And he already said he will take a break from dating for a while, so it's not he's sitting there and mulling, it's a way of getting on with things also to leave the dating scene alone for a while if that's what feels best for him atm.

liamtech

LLMMLL wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean by point scoring. I don't see where there are points to be scored.

I think you have a perspective issue. You describe being led up the garden path but you were rejected probably less than 24 hours after a first date. It's not like you were discussing getting engaged. The way you describe her message in the OP sounds polite but in your last post it's described as "don't contact me again" which would be rude. Are you starting to portray her as some kind of villain in your mind?

I'm sorry if you don't like the tone of my post but I think what you're looking for here is lots of opinions on what her reasons might be to lessen anxiety you feel about the situation. And I think that anxiety is coming from hurt at rejection. Do you really believe another 100 opinions on why she might have changed her mind will help you understand in any meaningful way?

Absolutely get what you are saying and no offense intended by either of us im quite sure - I just got the impression that people had the wrong idea of this conversation thread - Perhaps they felt that i was licking my wounds, and venting out of frustration and sadness? but its not the case, i was merely looking for opinions on the behavior of both men and women when dating for the first time

Kissing, expressing interest and asking for second dates is not how i would behave with someone i had no interest in, and i was really just seeing what people thought about this. and if anyone had any opinions on why this would happen. FYI while im by no means a 'jack the lad' in terms of women, iv been on a fair few dates over the last few years - and on more than one occasion i have been the rejecting person - I am also not portraying anyone in the role of villain - we all have the right to refuse romantic overtures - My wish in seeking the opinions of others was simply to understand why someone would behave in a VERY positive romance oriented way on a date, and then U-Turn the following day - if i behaved like this with a lady - ie gave her the impression i was VERY interested, and requested second dates etc - only to wake up and say - Nah not interested - to be honest, i would feel VERY embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior

Anyway iv enjoyed listening to the opinions and points raised here

zoobizoo

redfox123 wrote: »

If they are a well balanced person they will take the time to gauge their own feelings too, they value themselves and if it's going well will hold back that little bit knowing they don't know this person really at all,

This is what stood out for me in the whole thread.

The text you sent saying "I'm so glad I met you" might have made her think a bit more about the situation: 'I hardly know this guy' 'I kind of wanted to meet someone more X'. 'Hang on, did he say he wasn't working - I want to be married in two years and having kids in three!!'.

So rather than putting your cards on the table after one meet, you pull them back a bit, and be more breezy.

Maybe she sensed, and this might sound harsh, a slight desperation from the text - not from the date.



A boss of mine interviewed a guy I thought was the perfect candidate for this particular job. The applicant was enthusiastic, he made an effort, he emailed in advance of the interview, he really wanted the job. His letter said how hard he would work for us. He'd been out of work a while. If the decision had been down to me, I'd have given him the job.

The boss.... he thought the guy sounded "desperate" and didn't give him the position.

Perception can be everything

retro:electro

tara73 wrote: »

I think the OP is not mulling it over, it's just people come on here posting that this woman behaved perfectly normal or approbriate when she hasn't. It's pretty clear when reading the original post and the other explanations from the OP.
I think it's fair enough the OP want to stand to correct this.

And he already said he will take a break from dating for a while, so it's not he's sitting there and mulling, it's a way of getting on with things also to leave the dating scene alone for a while if that's what feels best for him atm.

It was one date! She behaved perfectly fine. She doesn't owe the op an explanation. IMO he's acting like she left him at the altar. It's all too intense. If the level of intensity he's showing here showed it's head in any way on the date then I can understand why she said she's not feeling it, sorry if that sounds harsh.

tara73

Gangu wrote: »

Would you just ask her why? Is that too crazy an idea?

tbh, I don't think this is a bad idea, because obviously, OP, this case got to you and in a way is tormenting you. so there's nothing wrong in asking. you most probably won't get an answer, but you never know. At least you tried, and did it for yourself to find closure, not because you run after her.

liamtech

tara73 wrote: »

tbh, I don't think this is a bad idea, because obviously, OP, this case got to you and in a way is tormenting you. so there's nothing wrong in asking. you most probably won't get an answer, but you never know. At least you tried, and did it for yourself to find closure, not because you run after her.

Hi - again i think tormenting is perhaps a little extreme - its more of an annoyance - dating is fine - rejections are fine -

as to requesting a reason, i believe it is rather pointless to be honest - its just the mismatch between behavior and the result that i found annoying - again no one would suggest a villain exists in this case, or that anything fundamentally wrong has taken place - just that i would not behave as this lady had if i intended to have no further contact after a date - in any case i appreciate everyone opinion - i believe il never know!

If at first you dont succeed - well il try again at some stage!

Im going to leave it for now, il check back to see if any other opinions are raised

thanks guys and gals!

amtc

I kind of thought that as well...that asking why wasn't a bad idea. But then I thought what would you gain...at best you'll get nothing and at worst you'll been seen as some kind of stalker.

It is what it is. You'll never know. Just one of those weird things. Anything could've happened...her ex could have called that night and asked to try again...her best friend could've disclosed feelings after learning she was on date...she could've been scared at strength of her feelings...it could just have been as simple as the sky was blue that day!

If nothing else...it gives you a background for a good dating story...for next time. Make a laugh of it! It'll get you a second date for someone you like.

santana75

Another take on it OP, would be from the point of view of attachment styles. Theres a book called "Attached" which is a great read and could shed some light on your issue. They talk about online dating specifically and studies showing that 70% or more of people who do online dating are the avoidant style. The rest are Anxious style. Secure attachment styles rarely participate in online dating. So I would guess she was avoidant and no matter how well you did or how great you thought things went, she was always gonna bolt. Thats what avoidants do. Maybe give up the online stuff and only deal with women in the real world.

OP you had one date. I understand being bemused but you don't really know her, she could have had a million valid reasons, and that should be the end of it. Shake your head at the strangeness of folk, and move on.
To go from that to saying you can only conclude all women are lying about having common interests and setting out to deceive you is really full on. A first date isn't a commitment, and I'm afraid "we should really do this again sometime" isn't either.
If you're not able to let go easily enough maybe you are right to take a break from dating. Or try to date more people and take it more casually. I'm not having a go.

starWave

From my experience, being the 'nice guy' will lead to rejections like this, as it can be unattractive to some women. Some will say they want to meet a nice genuine guy, but in reality they don't. If she wanted to progress thing further, and you put her in a taxi, then that's the end for her. She's probably wondering to herself why you weren't into her enough to take her home or whatever. <SNIP>

tara73

santana75 wrote: »

Another take on it OP, would be from the point of view of attachment styles. Theres a book called "Attached" which is a great read and could shed some light on your issue. They talk about online dating specifically and studies showing that 70% or more of people who do online dating are the avoidant style. The rest are Anxious style. Secure attachment styles rarely participate in online dating. So I would guess she was avoidant and no matter how well you did or how great you thought things went, she was always gonna bolt. Thats what avoidants do. Maybe give up the online stuff and only deal with women in the real world.

+1000, I think this is so,so,so true and that's what I mean she had issues and so many people have issues.
I think online dating is only for people with strong nerves, who can take all the weirdness and don't let it get to them.
So I second the advice to go and look for girls 'in the real world' rather than online.

Bambi985

santana75 wrote: »

They talk about online dating specifically and studies showing that 70% or more of people who do online dating are the avoidant style. The rest are Anxious style. Secure attachment styles rarely participate in online dating.

Really interesting theory and would tally with my experience of online dating being a whole world of fcuked up that I've never experienced to the same extent in real-life.

It's sort of a chicken-and-egg scenario thing though as the extent to which the online-shopping and multi-choice aspect to online dating plays into people's avoidant tendencies is a question too. You start to see people as not so much humans and more commodities so you don't follow the proper social etiquette i.e not treating people like sh1t with ghosting, hot-and-cold behaviour, swiping and moving on etc.

Honestly OP, it doesn't sound like you're cut out for online dating and I'd be thinking about taking a sabbatical before it starts to take a toll on your self-esteem. This kind of stuff is par for the course on tinder and all those other apps and you'll never get any reason for it or understanding of it.

Skibunny77

Op did she mention the second date, getting your hopes up etc before you kissed each other or after? This may seem like a random thought but I have often heard friends talk about how much they enjoyed a first date until they kissed the guy and the chemistry just wasn't there.

SarahMollie

Skibunny77 wrote: »

Op did she mention the second date, getting your hopes up etc before you kissed each other or after? This may seem like a random thought but I have often heard friends talk about how much they enjoyed a first date until they kissed the guy and the chemistry just wasn't there.

Or.... he was a bad kisser. Slobber, too forceful, not forceful enough, bad breath, or even just differing styles. It could be something quite simple, but for whatever reason she's made her choice, so probably best not to read too much into it.

Katgurl

She's not into seeing you again for whatever reason - this is not something you should ever take personally. Just as people are all unique so are their tastes.

She could have been caught up in the moment or drunk or wanted to feel something as she's trying to get over an ex or whatever. When your text came (which was entirely appropriate IMO) and didn't give her a little 'lift' she probably realised she wasn't into it.

I've been in this girl's shoes myself and I see it's disappointing for the other person but honestly I don't think she did anything too bad; she let you know the story straightaway. She didn't lead you on for days / weeks with ambiguous texting, last minute cancellations on dates or lies about being really busy right now.

You did come looking for advice on how not to end up in a situation like this again. First & foremost; accept you cannot know another person until you spend significant time in their company. Personally i always treat the first 'date' like a predate and keep it short and sober. THen if we both want to meet up again i do a proper date.

somesoldiers

I had a similar experience years back.met on website, met up three or 4 times even went round her house for a party and met her brother then...."no spark", oh ok, were you just having dates 2-4 to see if there was anything there I thought.
Shortly after met my wife and have 2 kids now. yer wan is still on the website, I am reminded to check when I see posts like this and it's an open profile I am not still on it.
Still "tired of the pub & club scene", still "looking for cosy nights in" all that waffle.though looking a hell of a lot worse now at 40+