I don't know what I'm doing

kt75

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I can understand that. It's for sure not because no one's interested. I don't believe there's any person alive who doesn't have someone who's interested. But, and I may be projecting some of my own thoughts on to you so sorry if I am, I think when you go through something like sexual abuse there will be a part of time where you keep it to yourself and i think that time is the key. You feel different to everyone else and so can't connect and you're used to keeping yourself to yourself. Rather than pushing people a way as such, you isolate yourself away. You probably take a step back from people and watch them without realising you're doing it and this is probably at the start of friendships when bonds are formed and that's what is missed out on.

So then you come to a $holes who spin you a yarn and its so tiring keeping yourself to yourself, sure what harm could it do just giving in and trusting someone who seems genuine. I know what it's like to get your judgment impaired and to feel like you're somehow attracting these events. But it's just such a hard thing to do to find a genuine person to trust. You're caught in a catch 22 between wanting to keep your guard up, but equally not wanting to miss out on something special..

I wish I could tell you how to fix it, but I'm still learning myself. I think most people are tbh. But there's nothing wrong with you and if I were you I would work with the people already in your life and try to strengthen a bond with them. I think that might give a foundation of sorts.

Thanks a lot of that feels so true.

neverever1

It just goes to show just how nasty and horrible people can be when they think they can get away with it. People who put an image of being decent out but behind it they are rotten to the core. You've been very unlucky kt75 but I think there's more people like you've experienced than we think.

Counselling works for some people, so it's worth a go. As you've noticed though, it can be hit and miss. If it's miss you can feel worse after spending a lot of money on them.

I don't know if this will sound harsh. I don't mean it to. Some men can smell weakness and they take full advantage of it. They'll make you feel like sh1t because they know they can. This is not your fault, it's them being lowlifes, but you are letting them away with it. You are not standing up for yourself. It can be really difficult. You have learnt to be a certain way through no choice of your own. To change this will take a lot of work. I'm sorry, I don't know how to change, I haven't been able to figure that out. Maybe it'll be through counselling, maybe another way but at the end of it you have to be able to be strong and tell someone to go **** themselves if they're not treating you right.
You have no respect for yourself, you don't treat yourself right and these 'men' see this as a green light to abuse you. You have to build your own self confidence and self esteem. Forget about any relationships until you have done this. Again I'm sorry but I don't know how to do this either but it's what you have to do. When you figure this out, you can then look at relationships and go out with real men, someone who reaches your standards. Always remember that the men in your past are scum, you are a better person and get the last laugh by making your life great and be happy.

kt75

neverever1 wrote: »

I don't know if this will sound harsh. I don't mean it to. Some men can smell weakness and they take full advantage of it. They'll make you feel like sh1t because they know they can. This is not your fault, it's them being lowlifes, but you are letting them away with it. You are not standing up for yourself. It can be really difficult. You have learnt to be a certain way through no choice of your own. To change this will take a lot of work. I'm sorry, I don't know how to change, I haven't been able to figure that out. Maybe it'll be through counselling, maybe another way but at the end of it you have to be able to be strong and tell someone to go **** themselves if they're not treating you right.
You have no respect for yourself, you don't treat yourself right and these 'men' see this as a green light to abuse you. You have to build your own self confidence and self esteem. Forget about any relationships until you have done this. Again I'm sorry but I don't know how to do this either but it's what you have to do. When you figure this out, you can then look at relationships and go out with real men, someone who reaches your standards. Always remember that the men in your past are scum, you are a better person and get the last laugh by making your life great and be happy.

Thanks. I'm definitely done with relationships for the foreseeable future at least. I've never thought of any of them as scum. I don't even have it in me to be angry with them - I just always feel hurt and used and bad about myself. I never really gotten angry at them. Maybe that's a sign that there's something wrong with me. I did something tonight I've never done before and confided in my sister. I was just upset and it came pouring out. We get on really well but I dont open up to her any more than anyone else. I think she was more shocked then I was that I told her anything. She was fuming effing and blinding and calling him all sorts. That's a reaction I don't seem to have in me.

seenitall

kt75 wrote: »

She was fuming effing and blinding and calling him all sorts. That's a reaction I don't seem to have in me.

That's because deep down, you believe that you deserve the shoddy treatment you get, in your heart of hearts you believe that you are meant to be used, abused and abandoned. That it's only right, since your whole life started like that anyway. That's what you've known from a young age. Why would you then get angry with someone who is just giving you the treatment you deserve? It wouldn't make any sense.

That's what childhood abuse does, OP. It does so much damage to our sense of self and our self-love, that it makes us believe we are worthless and were born to be abused. That is why we don't get angry with our abusers, rapists or users.

The day you get angry about how you have been treated will be the day you will know you are on the road to healing and happiness.

My advice is to try some counselling again, OP, you will need some support or guidance as you get to grips with this. I think telling your sister is you finally breaking out of your self-imposed acceptance of the status quo, I think you are ready to start changing things.

If a particular counsellor isn't much help, find another one, try a few even. That support can be invaluable, once you find the right person - just as with any relationship.

Best wishes!

ETA: there are a few low-cost or pay-what-you-can-afford counselling services out there, it doesn't need to cost the earth the way it used to. Google is your friend

kt75

I've been feeling really down the last few days and everything has been getting on top of me. Ive been overthinking and obsessing about him and about everything that's happened the last few years. I can feel a bout of depression coming on.

My cousin got in touch and persuaded me to go out for a drink in town. I have a feeling my sister must have said something to her. Last time I tell her anything. We ended up getting completely hammered. I've never had that much to drink before. She wanted to leave and go home and someone she knew in the pub said they'd make sure I got a taxi. My memory of the night is very hazy. I don't remember saying goodbye to her or how long I stayed in the pub after she left or getting in a taxi or very much after that until I woke up beside him the next morning. When I went to get a taxi home I didn't even have a clue where I was. It turned out I was over an hour away from home.

I feel even worse now than I did before. I feel really nasty and embarrassed and ashamed. I'm not sure why I'm posting this here but I don't really know what else to do. I can't help feeling that it's no wonder I get treated the way I do, that I'm just too easy.

bp

Please don't feel badly about yourself. It is not your fault, none of this is. You were a child when the abuse first occurred and were unable to stop it, a child cannot.

Some people are so messed up they purposely hurt others to feel better about themselves/ give them an ego boost. They seek vulnerability for their own sick gain.

With regards getting drunk you finally opened up some of what you are feeling to a family member and are vulnerable. This led to coping via drink.

Please call someone - Simaritans or someone - just to talk. You are not a bad person. We all need help with our emotions/ mental health whether we had good childhoods or otherwise

Take care of your self. Maybe give up drunk for a while, look for a therapist who you connect with and maybe try yoga to calm your mind, to help you process your thoughts.

Keep posting here you are not alone but it won't be fixed over night either

kt75

bp wrote: »

Please don't feel badly about yourself. It is not your fault, none of this is. You were a child when the abuse first occurred and were unable to stop it, a child cannot.

Some people are so messed up they purposely hurt others to feel better about themselves/ give them an ego boost. They seek vulnerability for their own sick gain.

Thanks I wish I could make myself believe that deep down. I keep going over every mistake I've made regarding men in the past few years and I can't help but blame myself or stop thinking nasty things about myself. Waking up beside a complete stranger the other morning with no idea where I was was a new low for me though. I'm disgusted with myself. I seem to be a magnet for men that seem great but turn out to be no good. My family seem to know nothing about it thankfully. My cousin texted me yesterday to see if I had gotten home okay and recovered from the other night and it turned out that she left before me, after this bloke promised to put me in a taxi. I had thought he was someone she knew but she says he was just someone who came over and started talking to us. I know if it got back to my mother she'd think the worst of me. She's very old fashioned on that front. I sometimes listen to some of the things she says about other people and think if only she really knew me what would she think?

bp wrote: »

With regards getting drunk you finally opened up some of what you are feeling to a family member and are vulnerable. This led to coping via drink.

Please call someone - Simaritans or someone - just to talk. You are not a bad person. We all need help with our emotions/ mental health whether we had good childhoods or otherwise

Take care of your self. Maybe give up drunk for a while, look for a therapist who you connect with and maybe try yoga to calm your mind, to help you process your thoughts.

Keep posting here you are not alone but it won't be fixed over night either

I found a website that does online counselling last week. It was €50 for a week of unlimited messaging to a licensed counsellor. The one they gave me said that he would like to try CBT and got me to write down a list of all the negative thoughts I had in a day and then put them into categories. I didn't realise how many of them I had. Anyway he was supposed to reply yesterday with more work for me to do but he hasn't sent me any or answered my messages. Seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. And my subscription expired today so that's that for a while. So I'll have to wait another little while until I can afford something proper and local.

Tigger99

Jesus that's very ****ty of your cousin to leave you with a stranger. Ffs especially when you are understandably so vulnerable.

I'm glad you have started counselling.

Tiddlypeeps

kt75 wrote: »

I found a website that does online counselling last week. It was €50 for a week of unlimited messaging to a licensed counsellor. The one they gave me said that he would like to try CBT and got me to write down a list of all the negative thoughts I had in a day and then put them into categories. I didn't realise how many of them I had. Anyway he was supposed to reply yesterday with more work for me to do but he hasn't sent me any or answered my messages. Seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. And my subscription expired today so that's that for a while. So I'll have to wait another little while until I can afford something proper and local.

Did they do anything other than ask you to do that one exercise? Like did you have any sort of conversation with them at all? If it's as bad as what you described I'd be demanding my money back and if they refuse I'd be issuing a charge back. Sounds like a scam tbh.

I'd be pissed at your cousin if I were you too. Ultimately the bad guy is the dick head that took advantage of you while you were drunk, but you cousin certainly didn't help the situation by abandoning you with a stranger while you were drunk.

kt75

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Did they do anything other than ask you to do that one exercise? Like did you have any sort of conversation with them at all? If it's as bad as what you described I'd be demanding my money back and if they refuse I'd be issuing a charge back. Sounds like a scam tbh.

No that was the extent of it. It seemed reputable,lot's of counsellors with their qualifications listed and loads of good feedback but I suppose that you can't go by stuff on their own website.

Tigger99 wrote: »

Jesus that's very ****ty of your cousin to leave you with a stranger. Ffs especially when you are understandably so vulnerable.

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

I'd be pissed at your cousin if I were you too. Ultimately the bad guy is the dick head that took advantage of you while you were drunk, but you cousin certainly didn't help the situation by abandoning you with a stranger while you were drunk.

She's not someone who I would rely on generally but I suppose in fairness to her she was probably in as bad a state as I was. I'm just hoping she doesn't hear that I didn't get home till late the following morning or she might twig what happened. All I need is for my family to find out. I don't think I could handle their judgement on top of everything.

Hannibal_Smith

You're over analysing it. You blew off some steam, like anyone else. You had a one night stand, that's not a bad thing. Your sister is trying to rally the troops I suspect. That's nice of her and your cousin.

People make bad sexual decisions all the time, it's just that you're oversensitive about them. There's nothing wrong with having sex with some one and there's no need to pigeon hole it into anything.

Maybe cut down on the drink for a while and instead of focusing on the bad decisions you've made, concentrate on some good ones? Men and relationships is just one part of your life. What about the rest of it?

Emme

kt75 wrote: »

No that was the extent of it. It seemed reputable,lot's of counsellors with their qualifications listed and loads of good feedback but I suppose that you can't go by stuff on their own website.

It doesn't sound very reputable from what happened to you. I would advise you to seek face-to-face counselling through your GP. It may be possible to get low cost counselling because some counsellors work on a sliding scale.

LynnGrace

Emme wrote: »

It doesn't sound very reputable from what happened to you. I would advise you to seek face-to-face counselling through your GP. It may be possible to get low cost counselling because some counsellors work on a sliding scale.

+1.

A good counsellor will have the appropriate training and will be able to decide what is the best method to use with you. CBT is just one method, it may or may not be the one for you.

You have been through so much, please take time to be kind to yourself and to realise how strong and brave you really are.

There is a great post on the Psychology Forum about how to find a counsellor.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055169338

All the best OP, and take care.

Neyite

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