Head all over the place

sallyanne12

Sorry for posting about this but I'm very upset about what happened last night. Myself and my boyfriend have been living together for a few months now. I thought we were a good couple and I thought he loved me. However, last night we went out into town for my friends birthdays. she had her boyfriend there and many friends. One of her friends who I never met before was there. This girl is hot. Very slim, dark hair, tanned complexion. The way she held herself was attractive however I wouldn't describe her as genuinely good looking. She is very glamorous, wears a lot of makeup but makes the most of herself. But I knew she is the type my boyfriend would find attractive as she had a bad girl look about her (tight jeans, belly top and a tattoo spread across her perfect flat belly) About 2 hours into the night, I went to find my boyfriend. He was in the smoking area deeply kissing this girl. They both looked so turned on so I left them to it. I walked back to my other friend and burst into tears. He came over to me later in the night asking what was wrong and I didn't tell him, so he has no idea how I feel. I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like it's partly my fault because I've stopped dressing up and I have gained a lot of extra weight around my waist. I do feel that I have a pretty face and I'm a size 10. I just don't want to lose him but I'm so hurt over this and don't know if I can trust him. He never even admitted to it and is actin the same, telling me he loves me

basillarkin

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Sorry for posting about this but I'm very upset about what happened last night. Myself and my boyfriend have been living together for a few months now. I thought we were a good couple and I thought he loved me. However, last night we went out into town for my friends birthdays. she had her boyfriend there and many friends. One of her friends who I never met before was there. This girl is hot. Very slim, dark hair, tanned complexion. The way she held herself was attractive however I wouldn't describe her as genuinely good looking. She is very glamorous, wears a lot of makeup but makes the most of herself. But I knew she is the type my boyfriend would find attractive as she had a bad girl look about her (tight jeans, belly top and a tattoo spread across her perfect flat belly) About 2 hours into the night, I went to find my boyfriend. He was in the smoking area deeply kissing this girl. They both looked so turned on so I left them to it. I walked back to my other friend and burst into tears. He came over to me later in the night asking what was wrong and I didn't tell him, so he has no idea how I feel. I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like it's partly my fault because I've stopped dressing up and I have gained a lot of extra weight around my waist. I do feel that I have a pretty face and I'm a size 10. I just don't want to lose him but I'm so hurt over this and don't know if I can trust him. He never even admitted to it and is actin the same, telling me he loves me

Dump him

KKkitty

OP just dump him. Tell him what you saw and that there's no going back. You deserve better.

dee_mc

You're focusing on your own body image issues here and directly comparing yourself to this other girl, almost rationalising your boyfriend's decision to cheat on you with her.
The fact is, regardless of what she looks like or how perfect her stomach is or how much weight you have gained or whatever else, he cheated on you. He betrayed your trust and was unfaithful to you.
You deserve to be treated better than that.
You need to tell him that you saw him kissing her - of course he's acting as though nothing happened and telling you he loves you, sure he thinks you know nothing about what happens! He thinks he got away with it.
It's up to you whether you decide to continue the relationship or not, but you need to talk to him about this and if you get what you feel is a genuine assurance that he will never cheat on you again, maybe together you can rebuild the trust and move forward.
Separately, I think you need to find a way to build your self confidence: counselling, exercise, ditching yer man, whatever it takes. I can see how your confidence would take a battering after seeing your partner wearing the face off some young one but from reading your post I feel, rightly or wrongly, that this is more of an ongoing self-worth defecit?
Good luck, and don't take any excuses from him because the way he went about cheating on you in a public place where he could so easily be caught out by you or any of your friends was really tawdry and insulting to you and your relationship.

Ursus Horribilis

The first thing that leapt out at me was how hard you were on yourself. Most women would kill to be a size 10 and you are far from being the big girl you seem to think you are. So please stop fixating on your looks.

If your relationship is this superficial and based on you looking like a supermodel, then it's as well you've found out what your boyfriend is really like. Looks fade over time, you'll probably gain more weight and if you ever have kids you could get stretch marks etc. If this fella's head is so easily turned by other women then you're well rid. There will always be someone younger, hotter and sexier than you out there. They should not be your competition.

Smile111

I wouldn't waste
my breath explaining anything to him.Just dump his sorry ass.If he did this so easily on a night out with you there! How many times has he done it when you are not there and god knows besides.

Dump him now and don't fall for any false promises.

LaLa2004

Be glad that he has shown you his true colours and get rid of him. This is easier said than done when you are living together. Hold your head high - you deserve better than this dope.

Rubberchikken

sorry, but he sounds like a complete waste of space.
and please stop finding fault and comparing yourself to this female. you've done nothing wrong. you put your trust in this guy and this is how he repays you.
when you can, tell him what you saw. don't listen to his excuses, 'it wasn't what it looked like' etc, and tell him to drive on.
you really don't need someone like this in your life, no one does.

take care

Airyfairy12

You cant trust him, youve watched him kiss someone else and lie to your face about it, why would you trust him? Without causing any arguments I would be quietly packing my things and moving out without a word to him. He's playing you for an absolute fool, where is your self respect?

gifted

Say bye bye to that waste of space....

Big Bag of Chips

You have choices. You can say nothing at all and carry on, allowing him to make a fool of you. That girl knew he had a girlfriend. She knew you were there. And now she knows he thinks so little of you that he'd get off with her, with you there. How many others who know you saw them too? Or noticed that they were particularly 'friendly'.

Or, you can tell him you know. If you tell him be prepared for him to turn this around. Completely. Firstly he'll deny it. Until he can't deny it anymore. Then he'll blame her (she threw herself at him, had you waited a second more you'd have seen him push her off). He'll blame you (you don't show him enough attention, etc) he'll blame his friends/your friends/the barman for serving him drink and getting him drunk.... And on and on the excuses will go).

The problem with this situation now and the thoughts you find yourself having is, there will always be someone prettier, more attractive, more glamorous than you. Always. It's the way of the world. Same way there will always be someone prettier, more attractive etc than 'yer wan' too. Now that you feel that his eye is roving BECAUSE other people will be more attractive than you, you are always going to feel like that. Any night he goes out, with or without you, you are going to feel like sht wondering what he's up to. You're going to be sizing up every woman he speaks to driving yourself mad wondering.

Your relationship can survive this, if you both want it to. Of course it can. But it can only survive it if you speak to each other and be honest. He won't be honest with you at first, because he'll do his best to minimise the hurt, but maybe in time he will come around. You cannot continue this relationship as you are. You're lying to him, and he's lying to you. It's not good.

Tell him.

lawred2

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Sorry for posting about this but I'm very upset about what happened last night. Myself and my boyfriend have been living together for a few months now. I thought we were a good couple and I thought he loved me. However, last night we went out into town for my friends birthdays. she had her boyfriend there and many friends. One of her friends who I never met before was there. This girl is hot. Very slim, dark hair, tanned complexion. The way she held herself was attractive however I wouldn't describe her as genuinely good looking. She is very glamorous, wears a lot of makeup but makes the most of herself. But I knew she is the type my boyfriend would find attractive as she had a bad girl look about her (tight jeans, belly top and a tattoo spread across her perfect flat belly) About 2 hours into the night, I went to find my boyfriend. He was in the smoking area deeply kissing this girl. They both looked so turned on so I left them to it. I walked back to my other friend and burst into tears. He came over to me later in the night asking what was wrong and I didn't tell him, so he has no idea how I feel. I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like it's partly my fault because I've stopped dressing up and I have gained a lot of extra weight around my waist. I do feel that I have a pretty face and I'm a size 10. I just don't want to lose him but I'm so hurt over this and don't know if I can trust him. He never even admitted to it and is actin the same, telling me he loves me

Seriously? What is the question here?

Dump him this morning.

JillyQ

You need to tell him what you saw and dump his sorry ass a fast as possible

Hannibal_Smith

This is the girl you saw him kissing. Imagine all the others you don't know about! Get rid of him. Today.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there.

You are in shock. Everyone says dump him but they arent emotionally invested. They arent living with him. They havent gone through all the stages of a relationship to get there.

You need to get some space.

1. Go to a trusted friend or family members for a few days.
2. Text him or email him telling him what happened and giving him a day or so to move out.
3. After you have had some space you can decide whether you want to begin your relationship from scratch.

Ive been there. Caught my gf cheating when we were living together. I went to the pub and gave her a few hours to take her stuff and go which she did and moved out the rest a few days later when i wasnt there.

It was a tough few months but im dating someone much better now who i love to bits.

Give yourself that initial space and take it from there.

I Am_Not_Ice

OP, your boyfriend obviously doesn't think very much of you. You need to end this sham of a relationship ASAP. I know it won't be easy - few breakups ever are - but your own happiness has to take priority now. Be strong, calmly explain to him that it's over, and move on.
Good luck with it.

Ursus Horribilis

Mr Incognito makes a very good point about us all not being emotionally invested in this relationship. It isn't as black and white when you're right in the middle of this and it's the man you love. The thoughts of having to sort accommodation, being single again, having to tell people you've split, being afraid you won't meet someone else and feeling inadequate are all very very big ones. That is an awful lot of stuff to process. I hope that you don't run scared from these big questions and settle for being silent.

What your boyfriend did is him telling you what he is. The sort of man who thinks so little of his so-called life partner that he'll eat the face off another woman in a public place. The sort of man who, despite only just moving in with his girlfriend, clearly has eyes for other women. Now that you know what he's capable of, are you sure you want to put yourself through this for the rest of your life. Fretting any time he works late or goes out for a few hours. Worrying about what he'll get up to any time he goes socialising without you. You can't keep him on a leash, you can't watch him 24/7. What is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you can't trust them. He has proved to you that you cannot trust him.

If you decide to tell him what you've seen, he might try to insult your intelligence by denying it was him and that it must be someone else. He also might try to turn this back on you, twist his words and blame you for this. You are not to blame for what happened. He is. Nobody forced him to snog this woman and no weasel words that come out of his mouth can ever explain that away.

Sephiroth_dude

Dump his sorry ass, you deserve better, none of this is your fault btw.

sallyanne12

Thank you to everyone for all your advice. I really appreciate everyone helping me. It really is difficult as a poster pointed out, it's easy to say leave but hard when you're so invested.
So I couldn't keep it to myself and I told him I saw. He denied it and said he didn't kiss anyone. Then I got cross, looked him in the eye and said "I saw you clearly right in front of me. You have to admit it because I stood there and waited for several seconds and it was clear to me what was happening, you both wanted it to happen"
Once he knew he was caught, he then said "it didn't mean anything, you're overreacting" I wish I could control myself but I shouted at him And he reacted as if I was crazy. He said all men do that and that I'll never find anyone who doesn't. He said any man who says he wouldn't take an opportunity like that is lying. He said he wants me for life and it won't happen again when I kept asking if it would ever happen again. But his whole attitude towards it worries me. He doesn't see it as wrong. He said all men do it. He said men pick a woman for life and have fun with easy girls. He said it's just fun and doesn't mean anything. What if he gets someone pregnant? Is it still just fun? I don't think he realises how serious it is.
I questioned him "how would you feel if I kissed a boy" and he said "I'd leave you, it's so much worse a girl doing it." I asked how and he said "it's in mens nature and to never make a mistake is to fight against nature. Look I'm with you and I am good to you on a daily basis. You shouldn't look at one mistake. Look at the bigger picture." He is a very good boyfriend and before this happened I couldn't fault him

Ursus Horribilis

Sorry Sallyanne but that last line should read he *was* a very good boyfriend. Even then, that has to carry a health warning. He has told you, loud and clear, who he is. You surely can't stay with him after this?

readyletsgo

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for all your advice. I really appreciate everyone helping me. It really is difficult as a poster pointed out, it's easy to say leave but hard when you're so invested.
So I couldn't keep it to myself and I told him I saw. He denied it and said he didn't kiss anyone. Then I got cross, looked him in the eye and said "I saw you clearly right in front of me. You have to admit it because I stood there and waited for several seconds and it was clear to me what was happening, you both wanted it to happen"
Once he knew he was caught, he then said "it didn't mean anything, you're overreacting" I wish I could control myself but I shouted at him And he reacted as if I was crazy. He said all men do that and that I'll never find anyone who doesn't. He said any man who says he wouldn't take an opportunity like that is lying. He said he wants me for life and it won't happen again when I kept asking if it would ever happen again. But his whole attitude towards it worries me. He doesn't see it as wrong. He said all men do it. He said men pick a woman for life and have fun with easy girls. He said it's just fun and doesn't mean anything. What if he gets someone pregnant? Is it still just fun? I don't think he realises how serious it is.
I questioned him "how would you feel if I kissed a boy" and he said "I'd leave you, it's so much worse a girl doing it." I asked how and he said "it's in mens nature and to never make a mistake is to fight against nature. Look I'm with you and I am good to you on a daily basis. You shouldn't look at one mistake. Look at the bigger picture." He is a very good boyfriend and before this happened I couldn't fault him

Jesus.

Dump the twat!

LostTazMan

sallyanne12 wrote: »

...He said any man who says he wouldn't take an opportunity like that is lying. He said he wants me for life...

With regards to this piece of your post, that is what he would like you to believe, so he can continue to take advantage of you.
Any man who cares for their partner will not cheat on them. Of course he wants you for life, as his housekeeper and fallback girl for when he can't get someone else.
His view when the roles are reversed says it all for me.
If you stay with this overgrown child he will take everything you have and never be there for you when you need him.
For your long-term health and happiness dump him now. He is not ready for a relationship, and if he gets away with it he will keep doing it until a "better" option comes along. You are worth so much more than that,so don't waste your time and tears on him.

BelovedAunt

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for all your advice. I really appreciate everyone helping me. It really is difficult as a poster pointed out, it's easy to say leave but hard when you're so invested.
So I couldn't keep it to myself and I told him I saw. He denied it and said he didn't kiss anyone. Then I got cross, looked him in the eye and said "I saw you clearly right in front of me. You have to admit it because I stood there and waited for several seconds and it was clear to me what was happening, you both wanted it to happen"
Once he knew he was caught, he then said "it didn't mean anything, you're overreacting" I wish I could control myself but I shouted at him And he reacted as if I was crazy. He said all men do that and that I'll never find anyone who doesn't. He said any man who says he wouldn't take an opportunity like that is lying. He said he wants me for life and it won't happen again when I kept asking if it would ever happen again. But his whole attitude towards it worries me. He doesn't see it as wrong. He said all men do it. He said men pick a woman for life and have fun with easy girls. He said it's just fun and doesn't mean anything. What if he gets someone pregnant? Is it still just fun? I don't think he realises how serious it is.
I questioned him "how would you feel if I kissed a boy" and he said "I'd leave you, it's so much worse a girl doing it." I asked how and he said "it's in mens nature and to never make a mistake is to fight against nature. Look I'm with you and I am good to you on a daily basis. You shouldn't look at one mistake. Look at the bigger picture." He is a very good boyfriend and before this happened I couldn't fault him

Jesus christ. You can't really believe this. As a man, the lack of self esteem that many women have is completely baffling to me.

Teyla Emmagan

a) All men don't do it. He's just trying to persuade you of that so you're stupid enough to let him do it again, and again and again.

b) He has no respect for you, or this other girl. He actually sounds like a horrible person.

c) If you don't want to be a doormat who puts up with a serial adulterer then the buck stops here. Or it will be one humiliation after another for the rest of your life. If he can't "see" the issue now he never will.

Take a big breath, get your head together and get rid. You sound lovely, a million decent men would treat you properly.

Hannibal_Smith

I'm sorry but it's not easy to say 'dump him' when you're not emotionally invested and that's just a lazy excuse to hide away and avoid making a brave decision.

Read your last post again. He lied to you, said you were over reacting, said it is a thing all men do and you are lucky to have him because he's good in all other respects? If you were someone else reading that post what would you think?

Your boyfriend, going on your last post, is a sexist pig who sees nothing wrong in men cheating, but considers it an awful thing if a woman does it. Can you not see that if he sees nothing wrong he will do it again?

If you want to use the 'I'm emotionally invested' mantra to stay with someone who has head f*cked you that much that you think him cheating is excusable, that's your choice. But it will not fix your issue and you will be here again.

Stand up for yourself. You owe yourself more than you owe him or your relationship. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong in breaking up with someone who has taken your trust, danced on it, handed back to you and said...make the most of this it's the best you'll get.

You couldn't fault him before this because you don't know what else he's done.

bmwguy

He doesn't really value your intelligence with a response like that. It's ok for men but not OK for women?

Little bit of manipulation going on there too with him saying you will never find a man that doesn't do it.

batmanrobin

Wow, just when you think you've read it all!

OP, you should have already dumped him. Really, this man is a pig. Trying to blame his gender for his cheating, as if it's something that is out of his control, is the biggest load of ****e I've ever heard. Cheating isn't specific to gender, it's specific to assho*es.

Would you really want this man being a role model for your kids should you have any? He'd do serious damage.

As another poster said, to say you're emotionally invested is something of a cop out. You need to think of it this way: you existed just fine before this man came into your life, you will most definitely exist just fine without him. Arguably, you'll be much, much happier without him.

I'd be stunned if he hadn't cheated on you in the past, but you can most certainly put money on him cheating on you in the future. He's pretty much told you he will, what with it being outside of his control and just nature. Ugh!!

DUMP HIM!

Penn

sallyanne12 wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for all your advice. I really appreciate everyone helping me. It really is difficult as a poster pointed out, it's easy to say leave but hard when you're so invested.
So I couldn't keep it to myself and I told him I saw. He denied it and said he didn't kiss anyone. Then I got cross, looked him in the eye and said "I saw you clearly right in front of me. You have to admit it because I stood there and waited for several seconds and it was clear to me what was happening, you both wanted it to happen"
Once he knew he was caught, he then said "it didn't mean anything, you're overreacting" I wish I could control myself but I shouted at him And he reacted as if I was crazy. He said all men do that and that I'll never find anyone who doesn't. He said any man who says he wouldn't take an opportunity like that is lying. He said he wants me for life and it won't happen again when I kept asking if it would ever happen again. But his whole attitude towards it worries me. He doesn't see it as wrong. He said all men do it. He said men pick a woman for life and have fun with easy girls. He said it's just fun and doesn't mean anything. What if he gets someone pregnant? Is it still just fun? I don't think he realises how serious it is.
I questioned him "how would you feel if I kissed a boy" and he said "I'd leave you, it's so much worse a girl doing it." I asked how and he said "it's in mens nature and to never make a mistake is to fight against nature. Look I'm with you and I am good to you on a daily basis. You shouldn't look at one mistake. Look at the bigger picture." He is a very good boyfriend and before this happened I couldn't fault him

Dump him. He's clearly shown he has no respect for you or women in general, and that if given the chance he will do it again. And again. And again and again and again. All men don't do what he did, and very few ever would.

This wasn't a case where a guy in a long term relationship fell in love with another woman despite trying to resist and stay in his relationship. Within 2 hours of meeting her, he was kissing her. That never happens unless both people wanted it to happen pretty much straight off the bat. He can't have antagonsied over the decision or taken into consideration his feelings for you at all, especially since he knew you and even your other friends were in the pub with them. He saw someone he liked and he went for it, and he did not give a damn about you when he did it.

You can't and shouldn't trust him. Dump him and be proud you did. It'll hurt for a while especially since you've been living together for a few months, but it'll hurt you more in the long run because he will do it again which he's clearly demonstrated to you, and you'll be deeper into the relationship at that point too.

nikkibikki

Oh God OP. He's basically just told you that he's going to keep doing this to you forever. Married, kids, the lot. He'll keep doing it. And he'll just say well I told you this is the way it is.

He's also told you that he doesn't see you as an equal. You are the one who'll look after him, cook, clean, and be a full time wife and Mammy turning a blind eye to him going out cheating. Is this what you want for the next 40/50/60 years? And to catch every STD going off him? And to have your kids growing up, if you have them, to see their mother treated like sh!te. They'll think that's a normal relationship. He probably thinks it's normal.

I'll be very cynical in saying that he did more than kiss her. And she's not the first.

Also, can any guys following this thread please let the OP know that not all guys behave this way or think it's OK to behave this way.

At the end of the day OP, he has shown you his cards. If that's acceptable to you, then by all means stay. But your self esteem has already taken a battering. It will get worse. The more you invest in him, the worse his mistreatment of you will make you feel.

Colonel_McCoy

What a manipulative pig of a human being.