Baby pictures on Social Media. From polite request to remove to threats of violence.

LegacyUser

Hi,
Just looking for some feedback on an incident which happened over the weekend. My wife and I (in our mid-30's) had our first child last Christmas. We are private people and we agreed together that we wouldn't post any photo's of her on facebook or any social media. It's a personal thing, I don't want to post anything publicly. Any photo's we have shared with friends or family have been private messenger, what's app etc.

For the last 5 months, there has never been a single photo published. However, over the weekend at a family party, our daughter was part of group family photo's. The following day, two photo's of her were posted to Facebook by my wife's sister in law on her profile. To provide a bit of background, my wife's sister in law is a little weird to put it mildly. She would visit her in laws every Christmas and that it. It's none of my business as I know nothing about her. However, she was the only person on my wife's side who didn't visit the hospital when our daughter was born. We didn't make a major deal of that, not wanting to cause arguments, but for me it was an insult. She works 5 minutes from the hospital, so it's not as if major travel was involved.

Having seen the photo's my wife contacted her brother by private message. She said she was uneasy with our daughter posted publicly and if the photo could be deleted she appreciated. She got an almost immediate response that she should drop it and let it go. He didn't need any hassle. Not satisfied with this, I sent her a message which said if she didn't mind could she delete the photo. The messages were tactful, but privately we were annoyed and peeved particularly considering the hospital snub. Not one of either of our families posted anything with our baby. We felt it would be assumed by others that posting baby pics was verboten considering we didn't plaster her on our own pages. Both my brother in law and his wife are quite active on facebook and would have seen all our limited facebook activity. For reference, my wife's neice asked if she could post photo's of baby to her instagram. She was told not to and she had zero issues with that.

The photo was deleted. No response was given to confirm that.

The following day, her brother rang his house. He started ranting and raving to his mother and his older sister. They rang us to ask what was going on and we explained the interactions we had.
I received a message from my brother in law yesterday. The messages are detailed below.

Before this gets completely out of hand I'm messaging you to say myself and my wife went to the cinema at very time you both sent us your wish to remove the photos . My wife had her phone off and I only saw it and replied before I turned mine off . There was better ways to have that sorted. When we came out we both messages saying do it now . I can assure you she meant no offense . We could have solved it in a better way . There was no offence meant from our side I'm letting you both know that now . Cheers

Note: They weren't told to take them down. The message sent was "Can you please delete the photo of *Baby* on FB?"

My reply.
Hi. There is nothing getting out of hand. I don't want any public photos of *Baby* on Facebook. If it was anyone else I'd make the same request. It was a polite request that seems to be getting out of hand for no reason. I understand that no offence was meant. *My wife* let you know yesterday in her text that she knew there was no harm meant but asked nicely for the photo to be removed. I don't understand what the problem is. Any photos we share with family have been private. Personally, we'd like to keep it that way. Thanks.

I notict that he immediately starts 'Typing.....' the second I send the message. I get frustrated but I try to remain tactful. It's clear he needs to have the last word on this.

No. I don't see where you're coming from. I don't think you see where we're coming from. I think it should have been assumed that we wouldn't like photos made public considering we've never posted photos publicly ourselves. *My wife* text you to avoid upsetting *your wife*. She was upset after being told to overlook it by you. It was a simple text asking a simple favor. Nobody said *your wife* meant any harm. Since she was born there hasn't been one photo of her on Facebook. We'd like to keep it that way. *My wife* would like that respected. No need for arguments or anything. It's that simple.

He goes full on DEFCON 1

Well then I'm afraid you should tell people because we can't read minds now if you want be ****en smart and keep this bull**** up I'd gladly sort it out with you don't think I won't. My wife innocently put a family photo up on Facebook if you have a problem with that to the extent that you want to see another side of me then be my guest . This is the last time I'll say it to you both there was no harm in what *my wife* did and to " Tell us " not ask us to take it down was a bit below the belt for me . Now I can't read your mind or my sister's I have explained what happened I seriously can't do anymore. Now as I said you and I have never had cross words but if you want it to go that I'll sort that out no problem. We honestly did not know you both had an issue with posting stuff right now I'd happily leave it lay if you will . If you wish not to then I'll come to you it's up to you

I didn't reply to it. My wife and her brother were always close. She is sick at his behavior. My query is, are we being too sensitive? Is it wrong to try and establish that we don't want photos posted? Was it too much to ask that the photo be taken down? How do you respond to something that escalates from a polite request into threats of violence? Is it too much to assume that where a 20 year old niece has the common sense and tact to ask parents if she can post their baby online that the same common sense should be assumed by a 47 year old man and his 40 year old wife? Where to from here? Any comments or advice appreciated.

LegacyUser

Note: There was a missing reply in the original post above. The full exchange is below for clarity.


Before this gets completely out of hand I'm messaging you to say myself and my wife went to the cinema at very time you both sent us your wish to remove the photos . My wife had her phone off and I only saw it and replied before I turned mine off . There was better ways to have that sorted. When we came out we both messages saying do it now . I can assure you she meant no offense . We could have solved it in a better way . There was no offence meant from our side I'm letting you both know that now . Cheers

Hi. There is nothing getting out of hand. I don't want any public photos of *Baby* on Facebook. If it was anyone else I'd make the same request. It was a polite request that seems to be getting out of hand for no reason. I understand that no offence was meant. *My wife* let you know yesterday in her text that she knew there was no harm meant but asked nicely for the photo to be removed. I don't understand what the problem is. Any photos we share with family have been private. Personally, we'd like to keep it that way. Thanks.

No. I don't see where you're coming from. I don't think you see where we're coming from. I think it should have been assumed that we wouldn't like photos made public considering we've never posted photos publicly ourselves. *My wife* text you to avoid upsetting *your wife*. She was upset after being told to overlook it by you. It was a simple text asking a simple favor. Nobody said *your wife* meant any harm. Since she was born there hasn't been one photo of her on Facebook. We'd like to keep it that way. *My wife* would like that respected. No need for arguments or anything. It's that simple.

Well then I'm afraid you should tell people because we can't read minds now if you want be ****en smart and keep this bull**** up I'd gladly sort it out with you don't think I won't. My wife innocently put a family photo up on Facebook if you have a problem with that to the extent that you want to see another side of me then be my guest . This is the last time I'll say it to you both there was no harm in what *my wife* did and to " Tell us " not ask us to take it down was a bit below the belt for me . Now I can't read your mind or my sister's I have explained what happened I seriously can't do anymore. Now as I said you and I have never had cross words but if you want it to go that I'll sort that out no problem. We honestly did not know you both had an issue with posting stuff right now I'd happily leave it lay if you will . If you wish not to then I'll come to you it's up to you

Eimee90

No you were right. Its your child. They should have asked you. They are embarrassed thats why he is going on the defensive.

I do think you should have rang them though. This texting back and forth is childish and leads to misunderstandings.

Beta Ray Bill

Hi OP

This sounds like a tricky situation.
I'd have replied to his first reply with:
"Nice one, Thanks :-)"

Sometimes it's better that you just end it at that ya know?

It doesn't matter what your feelings about them are, you got what you wanted right? So leave it at that.
There was no need for the big reply, as that just inflames the situation.

As for what to do now, I'd say just leave it. Do not text back, just let things cool down.
By the sounds of it you wont see them again til Xmas, so it'll be well forgotten about.

I'd also say that the Law in Ireland is very clear relating to photography and posting images online. (Subject of Image vs Content of Image).
If your kid is the subject of the image well then you are within your right to have it take down.

I'd also say that if you are that concerned about people posting "family" pictures online that contain your kid, you shouldn't allow your kid to be in any pictures that you aren't taking yourself.

GingerLily

This is all a bit dramatic, the photo was deleted, can you all not leave it at that?

bmwguy

I think putting pictures of children on Facebook is the height of stupidity but I suppose people can do what they want with their own kids. I know several of my friends have massive problems with their own wives plastering their kids all over Facebook and it's almost a marital problem for them now, leads to big rows. Kids should not be on Facebook or any social media.

Putting other people's kids on social media is rude and ignorant. You are correct here.

One suggestion? Don't bring up the hospital snub thing with them they will throw it back at you saying you are picking on them for everything. You are right about the social media but the hospital thing wasn't necessarily a snub I have never once gone to a hospital to see a newborn they are usually out in a day or 2.

Focus on the online pictures. Read about the amount of pictures that get circulated to paedo rings. It's huge. Imagine one of them took a fancy to someone's kid. Easy to stalk and track people through FB when every aspect of life is posted.

bee06

I do think you were within your rights to ask for the picture to be taken down but I don't understand why you are even getting involved. Your wife and her brother should talk about it themselves instead. And I think she should have rang him to ask rather than sending a message. So much is lost in translation in messages.

Yourself isit

Where's the threat of violence?

unknowngirl!!

grahambo wrote: »

I'd also say that if you are that concerned about people posting "family" pictures online that contain your kid, you shouldn't allow your kid to be in any pictures that you aren't taking yourself.

I agree 100% with what the above poster has said. I would never dream of putting my child on social media and therefore I avoid situations where there could be crossed wires.

In fairness to your inlaws the majority of people now post on FB and if it was a family photo, with everyone else fine with it being shared, it's not really their fault. Your brother-in-law's reaction is ridiculous but you could have avoided all this by not putting your child in the picture. You could have waited until the picture was taken and then popped your child in and said you wanted one for your own collection that wouldn't be online.

It's not really fair to assume that everyone knows your no social media rule. If you had of stated it at the party, it would be different. You didn't though and this drama has been created unnecessarily. Make it clear from now on before the pictures are taken.

Airyfairy12

"The hospital snub" ... the world does not revolve around you, your wife and child.

Unless they pay any attention to your social media (Which they clearly don't and why would they?) why or how would they know your policies on posting baby photos on facebook. The photos were removed and you're making a big drama over nothing.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Im confused. You say he needed to have the last word but then the next message is from you, very much escalating the situation. How do you know that what he was typing wasn't a conciliatory message? Or did you leave one of his messages out?

Anyways, they don't care about your kid as much as you do. They don't necessarily pay enough attention to your Facebook posts to have copped your policy, I'm sure your baby is the most amazing thing ever to you, but in the blizzard of Facebook pictures of basically identical babies they probably genuinely missed it. I have no clue if any of my fb friends have a no picture policy for their babies, because I don't really care about babies. Plenty of people don't. They're obviously not going to be as savvy about social media etiquette as a twenty year old.

Of course you're within your rights to control where and how pictures of your child are made public but cheese and rice, chill out would you.

K_P

I think you're being very over sensitive. It seems like the pic of your baby was actually a larger group photo which included your baby. You didn't make it clear that you didn't want pictures of her online and when you did, they removed the pictures, albeit with some unnecessary drama. The pictures are down, now forget it and move on.

neonsofa

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

"The hospital snub" ... the world does not revolve around you, your wife and child.

Unless they pay any attention to your social media (Which they clearly don't and why would they?) why or how would they know your policies on posting baby photos on facebook. The photos were removed and you're making a big drama over nothing.

Also, I had so much appreciation for those who didn't insist on coming in to the hospital when I hadn't showered or done my makeup, changed etc. Not everybody likes hospital visits from family and perhaps she felt she was being nice by not crowding. I mean there is plenty of time, baby isn't going anywhere.

coffeyt

I think you handled the situation perfectly, my husband and I are of the same opinion with both of our children. Our oldest is nearly three now and we have never posted pictures online of either of them. Having said that we did make it clear to family and friends day one that we did not want any images of them posted. It has never been an issue and they have been in plenty of large family pictures since and no one has published these.
Having said that my cousin did post an image last year when he was helping out in our garden of my son trying to help. He did it without thinking. I messaged him in a similar vein to you just explaining our wishes and asked would he mind removing the picture. He did so straight away and messaged basically saying, jeez so sorry completely didn't think when I posted it, I've taken it down right away, followed by a smiley face. That in my opinion is how any normal person would react to the request. I can't see why your wife's brother had to make a big deal out of it. A simple sorry didn't realise it was something you didn't approve of, it's been taken down would have done. I would just try and let it go and move on.

Ash.J.Williams

Are people supposed to visit maternity hospitals? I always thought the fewer the better due to hygiene etc

njs030

You have every right now to want photos of your child on social media, my sister had a baby 6 months ago and she's posted 2 photos since- on was a birth announcement and one at the christening. It's very obvious she doesn't want photos of the child up so we all took the hint without needing to be told!!

However I think you overreacted, if they don't have children and didn't visit you in the hospital there could be a reason linking the two.
You and your baby aren't the centre of everyone's world and what might be a wonderful event for you could be painful for them, a little bit of thought for others wouldn't go amiss here.

One message asking them to take it down was enough, no need to react badly you could have left it a day to see what happened.
I'd suggest you let it go now tbh.

neonsofa

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

Are people supposed to visit maternity hospitals? I always thought the fewer the better due to hygiene etc

Sure i thought most people are in and out in a day or two, unless there is a specific reason to be kept in, in which case I don't see why they'd want family coming in. It just seems so stressful to me! Even home visits stressed me out!

zoobizoo

Next time phone instead of texting.

Apart from being the adult thing to do, it is a more effective way of communicating.

I've had a similar family issue that turned to **** because of texting.


As an aside, I never visited the hospital to visit any of my sisters / sisters in law when they were in hospital. I never realised it was the done thing and more recently mothers are in and out before you know it.

valoren

This seems to have escalated frighteningly quickly. You're entitled to not have your baby online without permission. You made that clear. And the pic was removed. Win. Seems to me like he has been butt hurt by you having that win. It's now escalated to a power struggle. He seems to have made a mountain out of a molehill. Unfortunately you took the bait. You end up repeating yourself, talking to a brick wall with such people. As for his last message, he basically says he'll beat you up should you ever 'pwn' him again. I wouldn't take that lightly. I'd suggest a clear the air meeting. In public. To let him know you won't tolerate such ridiculous behavior going forward. If it escalates at least you'll know one thing. Your brother in law is someone you certainly don't want in your child's life. And he'll only have himself to blame. Your conscience is clear OP imo

valoren

GingerLily wrote: »

This is all a bit dramatic, the photo was deleted, can you all not leave it at that?

Looks like OP and his wife made their point. Photo was removed. Then brother in law escalates it by texting his grievances and OP took the bait.

bee06

valoren wrote: »

Looks like OP and his wife made their point. Photo was removed. Then brother in law escalates it by texting his grievances and OP took the bait.

I disagree, I think the brother in laws message the following day explaining the situation and saying there was no offence meant was quite reasonable. The OP could have just said, no problem, no offence taken, thanks for taking it down and left it at that.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, are you sure there wasn't an element of you being annoyed over the 'hospital' snub and you were waiting for something like this so you could vent at them?

I don't understand how the texts got to the level they did. But it's your child and having their pic on fb is your decision to make, for now. Was the pic a family photo that your daughter happened to be in? Or was it a solo shot of her clearly visible?

Either way, the photo had been removed now, I think? So just say thanks for removing the photo. And leave it at that.

tea and coffee

I agree with those that said once he messages you to say it was down you should have said "cheers for that. We just don't want any pics of (baby) on Facebook " and left it at that without getting a dig in. You're obviously upset about the hospital thing and are not a fan of SIL but they aren't psychic and didn't go against your expressed wishes (only implicit ) and probably meant no harm. If it was malicious on the other hand, then ok, I'd be peeved but it doesn't sound like it. Not everyone has the same values as you : that's what makes the world what it is!

strandroad

Eh you expected them to be mind readers and then threw a tantrum when they weren't... because you already felt insulted by their perceived "snub" from months before.
You got your result, should have left it at that. You're creating feuds out of nothing.

Loveinapril

I agree with everyone else. You seemed to escalate the situation. You could have left it between your wife and her brother but you didn't. This is something that p!sses me off no end in families. It seems like you thought you were needed to 'sort things out'. You made it bigger than it needed to be. You then could have been less wordy in your reply by saying that you didn't want photos of your kid online. As others said, it isn't his or anyone else's responsibiity to keep abreast of your Facebook activity. You should have been clearer in your request. I am pregnant with my first child and I will be telling anyone who takes/ recieves a photo of my baby that I do not want it shared on social media. I will have a right to be pissed off if someone does it after I explicitly say not to.

Dial Hard

There's a pair of you in it, tbh.

"Hospital snub"? Seriously??? It sounds to me like there's some bad blood here that even predates the arrival of your baby and you're seeing ill intent and malice where there is none.

Big Bag of Chips

DEFCON1 wrote: »

..she was the only person on my wife's side who didn't visit the hospital when our daughter was born.

I'd be thanking her!! You're certainly not "at your best" after giving birth, and people mean well, but you could really do without the whole family and friends traipsing in to you.

We didn't make a major deal of that, not wanting to cause arguments, but for me it was an insult.

So you were insulted, that your sister-in-law that you don't really know much about didn't visit your wife? How did your wife feel?

The photo was deleted. No response was given to confirm that.

The following day ... I received a message from my brother in law yesterday. The messages are detailed below.

When we came out we both messages saying do it now . I can assure you she meant no offense . We could have solved it in a better way . There was no offence meant from our side I'm letting you both know that now . Cheers

Did you include "do it now" in your messages?

His ending to that seems polite and wanting to have it sorted.

Note: They weren't told to take them down. The message sent was "Can you please delete the photo of *Baby* on FB?"

That's what take it down means.

My reply...

Should have been "no bother, thanks".
There was no need for a long protracted message.

I notict that he immediately starts 'Typing.....' the second I send the message. I get frustrated but I try to remain tactful. It's clear he needs to have the last word on this.

Why were you frustrated? You asked for something it was done, with 'no hard feelings'. You then sent a long winded response, perhaps making it clear that you needed to have the last word? And then you sent...

No. I don't see where you're coming from. I don't think you see where we're coming from. I think it should have been assumed that we wouldn't like photos made public considering we've never posted photos publicly ourselves. *My wife* text you to avoid upsetting *your wife*. She was upset after being told to overlook it by you. It was a simple text asking a simple favor. Nobody said *your wife* meant any harm. Since she was born there hasn't been one photo of her on Facebook. We'd like to keep it that way. *My wife* would like that respected. No need for arguments or anything. It's that simple.

Absolutely no need for all that, whatsoever.

He goes full on DEFCON 1.......

Now as I said you and I have never had cross words but if you want it to go that I'll sort that out no problem.

I don't see any threats of violence. Just that you've never had cross words, but he'll 'go that way' if you want.

You, of course, are perfectly entitled to not want photos of your child online. Of course you are, and your brother-in-law acknowledged that and said no offense was meant. You are the one who escalated it. You are the one who got involved when there was no need to. I think you are the one who owes an apology to your in-laws.

K_P

DEFCON1 wrote: »

Is it too much to assume that where a 20 year old niece has the common sense and tact to ask parents if she can post their baby online that the same common sense should be assumed by a 47 year old man and his 40 year old wife? Where to from here? Any comments or advice appreciated.

It's also worth mentioning that in the comparison above you're crediting the 20 year old with common sense whereas it's possibly not that. She probably lives half her life online and is much more aware of social media etiquette, as are you. When it comes to social media, there's a vast generation gap and your 40 and 47 year old are likely on the other side of that gap than you, your OH and niece.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Tbh, I think you are completely in the wrong. Sure, they made a minor indiscretion, but you are spoiling for a fight, and now you have invented a threat of violence to add to your sense of hurt.

Your brother in law comes across as pretty restrained, he explained that there had been a delay in seeing the messages, that's all. You lost the rag and he's just telling you to calm down and not damage what had previously been a civil relationship.

I really think there isn't even a pair of ye in it, it's all on you and you should really reflect on what's really bothering you here. Wow, they didn't visit your wife in hospital, so what? Why does that bother you?

Ursus Horribilis

Maximus Howling Phone wrote: »

Anyways, they don't care about your kid as much as you do. They don't necessarily pay enough attention to your Facebook posts to have copped your policy, I'm sure your baby is the most amazing thing ever to you, but in the blizzard of Facebook pictures of basically identical babies they probably genuinely missed it. I have no clue if any of my fb friends have a no picture policy for their babies, because I don't really care about babies. Plenty of people don't. They're obviously not going to be as savvy about social media etiquette as a twenty year old.

I agree with the above. I can understand why you've chosen not to put photos of your daughter on Facebook. But blimey, to lose the plot over the baby happening to be in a group photo..seriously? Even if someone noticed your child, what does it matter? She's a generic baby, nothing special to most people. I doubt the local kiddy fiddler now has it in pride of place on his computer's hard drive. Or indeed anyone for that matter. Most people do not give a monkey's about your baby, no more than they don't give a monkey's about anyone else's.

Wesser

I think your responses have inflamed the situation unnessescarily and that your personality is oversensitive and too easily risen ( the hospital snub)

Wesser

You don't know why she didn't visit you in hospital. Maybe she couldn't face seeing you as she is unable to concieve herself. Seriously you have no idea what goes on in some people's lives.

notsoyoungwan

The "hospital snub" issue is baffling to me. I have 17 nieces and nephews. I didn't visit a single one of them in hospital. I waited til they were settled in at home before I visited. I figured that the last thing a woman who had given birth needed was a visitor, even my sister to whom I'm very close.

You have totally over-reacted here, OP.

Ursus Horribilis

To provide a bit of background, my wife's sister in law is a little weird to put it mildly. She would visit her in laws every Christmas and that it. It's none of my business as I know nothing about her.

If she barely has a relationship with her in-laws and the OP barely seems to know her, why should she visit? I'm guessing by extension that she doesn't have much to do with the OP's wife either.

It all reminds of threads that go a bit mental in the After Hours forum. All that's missing is the "Wow that escalated" comment.

Big Bag of Chips

Btw, my husband visits my family, once a year at Christmas. We live 20 mins away. He has never visited any of my nieces or nephews in hospital after birth. There could even be one or two he has never actually seen. I don't see why it matters to anyone.

Actually, it doesn't matter to anyone!

orthsquel

OP I think you're dragging other issues into the matter that have no bearing on the actual situation, such as the sister in law being weird, the hospital snub, family issues etc. You're projecting different issues - that you clearly have with this couple as well as negative emotions towards them - into this situation and creating a drama out of it.

It's fairly reasonable to ask for a picture to be removed off social media.

If he had texted back "busy right now, deal with later" after your wife's message would you have been as equally annoyed at his initial response now? Or if he had ignored the message until later that night or the next day?

I think his response explaining at being at the cinema was very fair. But I think you are allowing your own negative feelings towards them turn it into a toxic drama for no particular reason except you feel slighted by them for other reasons. I read a sense of frustration in his final reply that you're taking a simple mistake too far and looking to have a feud with him for some unknown reason and that whatever the issue you have with it to go sort yourselves out rather than starting a family fight over a photo, which was already resolved.

I think your level of anger towards them over something innocently done without malice is just looking to create a family feud. And I think you're just looking for excuses to find fault with them by accusing them of making threats of violence - I think you are seeing something in nothing and really, you should be asking yourself why and perhaps addressing the personal issue you have against them, as there's some unresolved issues you have with them that are going to be colouring every action they do or don't do in a negative light from now on.

Wrongway1985

I'd address this being tactful business as you call it , beating around the bush is another way to put that, you seem to be stumbling over yourself if it's a nervy moment to receive messages from a family member and second guess the responses it's not healthy...
so you'd stop that and pick and up the phone instead as suggested by another poster.

On the photos of the kid you're entitled to have your wishes granted, a number of people would think it's odd of course but you've chosen to be private about the matter, this incident is sure to be discussed after the issue out of it and in long run im sure due to this happening others will be inclined not to make the same such mistake.

amtc

Just to follow up my very good friend has a baby in the last year and it was really strictly enforced by the hospital that only her husband and their parents went. I visited them at home later. She was only in for a day anyway. Even her sister didn't visit!

My mam was only talking to me recently about the pressure of 'entertaining' in hospital when I was born. Ok it was in the 70s and she was in for a number of days. She said she had groups of work friends, two families, and other friends so she felt all eyes on her plus none of them knew each other.

On the substantive issue of the photo, it could've been handled by all sides better. You do sound a bit precious. Hope it hasn't soured relations ongoing

The_Conductor

Any Irish maternity hospital has visitation rules- regarding who can visit Mom and baby in hospital- for numerous reasons, not leastly to allow Mom and baby to get used to one another. It is not usual for extended family to visit a maternity hospital to see a new baby- and depending on the hospital, you are quite liable to have the riot act read to you by nursing staff if you allow this to happen. Your sister-in-law not visiting the hospital- was what most considerate people would do- leave you alone for a few days to get used to your baby.

That said- I fully appreciate not putting children up on Facebook or other social media (indeed, I throw a freak if someone posts a picture of me- I hate having my photo taken, and I hate the idea that it might be on the internet somewhere). I can fully appreciate your position on that. If, however, it was part of a family or a group photo- and you did not specifically request it not be posted- then- they aren't mind readers- its not like they tried to post a portrait picture of your child to Facebook without your permission.........

Honestly- from the little you've told us here- it sounds like there is something behind all of this that must make some sort of sense- because the story, as relayed, really doesn't.

If your sister-in-law took photos of your child, on their own, regardless of the context- playing or whatever- and posted them to Facebook, they are plainly in the wrong. If its as part of a group photo- its a far fuzzier area- its not that they were going out of their way to put photos of your child (where-ever).

Vis-a-vis the conversation you had by text (or whatever platform you use)- you really did go out of your way to try and create a scene. Sure- your brother and his wife could have handled things a bit better- but by god, you launched a thermonuclear attack at a relatively mild indiscretion. To say you could have handled it better- is an understatement.

I do fully 'get' that you don't want pictures of your children on social media- I don't want pictures of mine on social media either- however- you have to accept that there is a big difference between someone doing modelling or portrait pictures- and someone being captured in a group photo or randomly in passing. They are not one and the same- and flipping over a group photo- really is setting out to create a scene from the get-go.

Perhaps there is something behind the acrimony you obviously have towards your brother and his wife- however, from the scenario you've outlined- and the discourse you had with your brother- while both of you could have handled things better- you, are the one who comes out looking foolish and petty in this instance.

Teyla Emmagan

I think an apology is in order OP (by you). And make it in person or over the phone. Your BIL must think you are a sh*t stirring tool.

Cork Lass

One word springs to mind here - precious.

EagererBeaver

To me this is open and shut. People who put photos of other people's kids on social media are morons.

You were absolutely right to take the approach you did.

retro:electro

I don't get it. You bemoan her for "snubbing" your wife at the hospital and then cause holy war because they shared a family photo which included your child on Facebook. One minute they're quietly accused of snubbing, the next of over sharing. You say you're private, but then you admit to having every tom dick and harry in on top of your wife in the days after birth? Most people wait til the family are at home and comfortable. It's not like they posted a pic saying "here's X's new baby, welcome to the family". They shared a family photo and probably didn't even realise/remember your policy. You'd probably accuse her of "snubbing" again if she'd left your child out of the photo.Your approach was awful and I think you owe him an apology.

Also, if she's so "weird" as to only visit her own family one a year, she'd hardly be arsed visiting your wife in hospital and wait til she gets home like every other decent person.

Big Bag of Chips

To be honest, OP, you're going to great lengths to point out how polite and "tactful" you were and how your brother-in-law jumped straight to threats of violence. But my reading of it doesn't see that. Your brother came back with a reasonably polite explanation and you sent two unnecessary messages back turning a molehill into a mountain. He didn't threaten violence at any point. Yet you have twisted this while scenario into you being a victim, stemming back to a perceived slight when your wife's sister-in-law didn't visit your new baby in hospital.

On a side note, when I had my first baby, the woman opposite me had the world and its mother in to visit on day 1. Ive never seen so many people around 1 bed. The baby was born during the night so was only 12+ hours old. That night she couldn't settle the baby who was hysterical. She called a nurse in to help her and the nurse told her in no uncertain terms that she had too many visitors that day. Too many people surrounding the baby, holding her, handling her, passing her around. She told her that she needed to get on the phone and tell everyone to stay away. The dad could come in but nobody else. She said the baby needed a bit of peace, was over handled and over stimulated by all the people and the noise.

You obviously have your version of events, from your point of view, but you should be aware that not everyone will see it the same. From my reading of this, you escalated this very unnecessarily and now seem to have caused a lot of bad feeling within your wife's family.

Time to actually be "polite and tactful" now and apologise. Although you have yourself painted as a real victim, going back to the hospital thing, so I don't think you're going to see it that way.

LynnGrace

I suggest an apology, admitting that you over-reacted, and do whatever you can to repair the rift.
I think it's up to parents to decide whether or not they want to share photos of their children on social media. Some do, some don't.

From my reading of this, they genuinely didn't realise that you did not want your baby's photo on Facebook. They took it down, when you contacted them, and that should have been the end of it really.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for taking time to reply.

I forgot to include one of my replies in the OP, so I have included the messages at the end here for clarification. Apologies for any confusion there.

I see a lot made of the Hospital snub. I honestly didn't care who called or who didn't. I'm of the opinion that less is more also. To explain, I included this to provide some background to the relationship we have. Very polite, no arguments, hello and how are you type stuff. It was also included to convey the idea that while my wife 'could' have had a problem with it, but she is not the kind to cause trouble or sit up trouble. She is not a **** stirrer at all. She has known her sister in law for 20 years, has never had a bad word with her or any falling out, but that there wasn't a single word from her throughout her pregnancy or after just struck her as plain weird. It has her thinking if she has offended her in some way or other. She never mentioned this and judging by her brother's volcanic reaction I can understand why she did. While distant cousins send messages of congratulations, to see radio silence from her about it all seemed off and perhaps odd. But no problem. It was her prerogative to keep schtum, to see the baby in her own time. We're certainly not precious about it. We've never broached that to them either. Again, it's included to show that no problems were made by either of us that she didn't visit. I included this to contrast the idea of my wife keeping the peace about about perceived 'snub' against the tonne of bricks that has landed on my wife in response to a polite request to remove a photo. It is a reaction that is completely disproportionate. I see it as the attitude of while we can freely sh1t on you, don't even think about doing it to us.

During that same time in hospital, which was a section, where she was in for a week, the brother in question here made a visit. It was out of hours, unannounced. He dropped off gifts, we took some photos that we shared with him personally. My wife and I mentioned in passing conversation that we weren't the kind to be posting to facebook. While he was never explicitly told not to post, I think that our point of view ought to have been heeded. He mentioned to me in the past that he sometimes has memory problems having had an accident as a teenager. With that in mind I'd give him a pass there but it is not uncommon knowledge that we don't agree with photos posted to social media. My older brother for example posted his 12 week scans, birth photos etc on Facebook. I don't agree with him there but I wouldn't dream of posting a photo without running it by him. That's just a principle my wife and I share. We feel if there was any doubt about posting, then a simple request if it was ok could have prevented this. To see it turned into "We're not mind readers" is for me a cop out. Ask. If in doubt. Ask. The photos in question were of a cake. My sisters niece had asked to hold the baby, and seemingly happend to be called into a photo. We're not in the pictures, they were taken off the cuff and we didn't know they were being taken, we were at the other end of the room.

Now I'll include the initial text exchanges we made for clarification.

My wife "Hi *Brother*, do you mind asking *your wife* if she could delete the photo of *baby* on facebook?"

His immediate reply was "Look can you let it slide, pls overlook it, I don't need this now on top of everthing else ok?"

Fobbed off basically. For me I wasn't happy with the photo posted or his reply to forget it. I decided that if I were to ask her that it might carry more weight than from his kid sister. So I messaged her and said "Hi *his wife*, can you delete the photo of *baby* that was posted today? We don't want photos of her on facebook if that's ok?" I comment of the particular photo if it could be removed.

Within an hour the photo was deleted. I got no reply to confirm, so to draw a line under it I replied with a simple 'Thanks for that'.

For us that was the end of it. Sensitive jerks or principled parents?
We thought that was the end of it but it wasn't.
My wife's sister and her mother later that evening dropped up to his house to hand over their portion of the bill and to drop off some cake. From what they told us, he started ranting over how we were making a big issue out of some innocently posted photos and he didn't know we didn't want photos posted. His wife came out and said as much. My wife's sister in law backed us up and told him that we should have a say on what and wasn't posted of their child. To clarify, the sister is the eldest and holds an extreme disliking for her brother's wife. I'm not sure if things have been unsaid here that inflamed him but she would have relished the opportunity to put her in her place so to speak. Not my business.

That was that until the following day. It turns out that he rang the sister back and chewed them out of her lecturing him about what was happening. He said as much to his mother. The other brother and his wife called in and mentioned something about a 'hullabaloo' being made about some photos posted up.

As you can see there was no hullabaloo. This was being blown out of proportion completely by him. They rang to tell us what happened. I said that if they hear anymore that they should tell him to contact me to clarify if required. I didn't want something innocuous turning into a wider family drama. Within an hour of that call, I had the first message.

What riles me up is that this was sorted. That he was adamant that we were the one's making a problem of it by being insensitive. He repeatedly mentions that his wife meant no harm. I mentioned repeatedly that we knew understood that. Now having been on his facebook feed, he is prone to fostering arguments. To illustrate, he has a serious dislike of Football. When Jose Mourihno became the manager of United, he posted a comment that all united supporters are muppets, that anyone who like football must have something wrong with them. Naturally, this provoked a reaction. There followed a ding-dong one upmanship that typically ends with him saying you better not meet me on the street or 'you'll see another side to me'. Now the messages between us were becoming like that. And while this is not facebook comments to strangers, this had the potential to has consequences. I tried to be tactful. He made his postion clear. I made mine clear. Wanting the final word, he says it should have been done this way or that way. He had to get the final word in. Perhaps I needed to do it too. Unmovebale force, immovable object type stuff.

Now we've not replied to the last comment. It's a threat of violence. I'm reading between the lines. My wife's family have said not to retaliate, that he is a little unhinged and would think nothing of taking a hammer to you. I've heeded thier advice. We're planning to arrange a clear the air meeting to avoid that. We'll do it in public with cctv in case he becomes punchy so to speak.

To further complicate matters, we have a christening in 6 weeks. It's a family meal. No big party.
I'm of the mind to tell him to go fk himself for talking to me like that but I want to talk about it. The texting is dangerous I know. Face to face, or on the phone is better I know.


FULL Transcript for clarity.

Before this gets completely out of hand I'm messaging you to say myself and my wife went to the cinema at very time you both sent us your wish to remove the photos . My wife had her phone off and I only saw it and replied before I turned mine off . There was better ways to have that sorted. When we came out we both messages saying do it now . I can assure you she meant no offense . We could have solved it in a better way . There was no offence meant from our side I'm letting you both know that now . Cheers


Hi. There is nothing getting out of hand. I don't want any public photos of *Baby* on Facebook. If it was anyone else I'd make the same request. It was a polite request that seems to be getting out of hand for no reason. I understand that no offence was meant. *My wife* let you know yesterday in her text that she knew there was no harm meant but asked nicely for the photo to be removed. I don't understand what the problem is. Any photos we share with family have been private. Personally, we'd like to keep it that way. Thanks.

That's exactly what I'm saying we didn't know that . What would have been the right thing to is just tell *my wife* that over a phone call or a chat . As I said already we went to the cinema it wasn't until "we" came out that we had a chance to digest it can you follow me on that ??? Then I get a lecture from *older siste* an hour ago . Nothing to do with yourselves I know but loon this could have been done in a better way . I now have my wife feeling like she did something really wrong and two sisters who can't understand where we are coming from. We didn't know you both wanted things private and I fully respect that but can ye not see where I am coming from no ??


No. I don't see where you're coming from. I don't think you see where we're coming from. I think it should have been assumed that we wouldn't like photos made public considering we've never posted photos publicly ourselves. *My wife* text you to avoid upsetting *your wife*. She was upset after being told to overlook it by you. It was a simple text asking a simple favor. Nobody said *your wife* meant any harm. Since she was born there hasn't been one photo of her on Facebook. We'd like to keep it that way. *My wife* would like that respected. No need for arguments or anything. It's that simple.


Well then I'm afraid you should tell people because we can't read minds now if you want be fcken smart and keep this bull**** up I'd gladly sort it out with you don't think I won't. My wife innocently put a family photo up on Facebook if you have a problem with that to the extent that you want to see another side of me then be my guest . This is the last time I'll say it to you both there was no harm in what *my wife* did and to " Tell us " not ask us to take it down was a bit below the belt for me . Now I can't read your mind or my sister's I have explained what happened I seriously can't do anymore. Now as I said you and I have never had cross words but if you want it to go that I'll sort that out no problem. We honestly did not know you both had an issue with posting stuff right now I'd happily leave it lay if you will . If you wish not to then I'll come to you it's up to you

skankkuvhima

Sorry DEFCON1, it's a little hypocritical of you to assume everyone knows your "policy" of no photos of your kids of facebook but you didn't consider your "weird" sister in law may have a similar "policy" of not visiting new mothers in hospital.

DEFCON1 wrote:

The photo was deleted. No response was given to confirm that.

This was the stage to say nothing further.

BnB

Here are the facts for you OP...

1) You and your wife don't want pictures of your baby on facebook. It's a bit precious, but that's your right.

2) You don't like your sister in law and have taken it as a personal insult that she didn't come to see your baby in hospital.

Hence, when the Sister in law (that you don't like and you have a grudge against since she didn't come to the hospital to see your baby) innocently put a picture of a family occasion (that happened to include your baby) on Facebook, you threw your toys out of the pram.

The photo that included your baby was such a crisis, both you and your wife had to fire off individual rude messages demanding (not asking) to get the family photo removed. It was removed, but you still had a problem because you didn't get some kind of confirmation to say your urgent request had been dealt with. And finally, when your Brother-in-Law gave you a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why it took a few hours to get to your urgent request, you acted like a complete moron.

You and your wife owe your sister & brother in law a serious apology. You were both completely OTT and downright rude. If I was in their shoes, I honestly wouldn't bother my backside even trying with you any more.

valoren

It seems OP like you tried to be tactful but it's backfired on you. And you threw petrol on the fire as you mention that he seems like a volatile chap. You're right to feel a bit peeved. It should have been deleted without it turning into a major issue. Sounds like he's the kind to not take orders, doesn't like being told what to do. That's his own problem not yours or your wife's.

He claims they're not mind readers. OK, but are you are supposed to be able to read his mind that he was at the cinema? Are you supposed to know how he feels it should have been dealt with? He's deflecting there. Then claims you should have phoned or called to the door. Again, it's a my way or the highway toxic attitude. He/She couldn't conform to a request without recrimination it seems.

I agree with your not wanting pictures up on facebook. I think what you've tried to do here is nip it in the bud before it sends the message to others that you're cool with posting pics perhaps. Unfortunately, you've let your resentment towards your sister in law cloud your judgement here and you've ended up making a mountain out of a molehill. I think when the picture was deleted as requested that was that. Sounds like you did nothing further other than send a thank you.

It seems from what you've described that he has exploited this incident into a family drama. That your older sisters problem with his wife is weighing on his mind and he's used her telling him off (rightly or wrongly) as a trigger to go on the offensive. The part where he says my sisters don't understand is telling. You asked them to delete it as a favour and it was deleted. You thanked them for doing that and he has manipulated this into a situation where his wife is under attack by his family and he's being the big man to defend her. That isn't your fault. He's making it out to be more than that and it's he should be apologizing to you. If he does, accept it, see the bigger picture and move on.

EagererBeaver

BnB wrote: »

1) You and your wife don't want pictures of your baby on facebook. It's a bit precious, but that's your right.

There is absolutely nothing precious about it whatsoever.

woodchuck

OP thanks for providing the full transcript of events. But to be honest, even with that, I still agree with the majority of the posters on here that this was handled very poorly.

"Look can you let it slide, pls overlook it, I don't need this now on top of everthing else ok?"

Something more was obviously going on with him. The kind thing for your wife to do would be to ask her brother what's wrong and maybe raise the issue of the photo at a later time. Instead you decided to immediately contact the wife to pressure them about the same (non-urgent) issue. I'd be pissed off too about how insensitive you were both being.

Things obviously escalated from there and it could have been handled better from both sides. Picking up the phone instead of texting would have helped for a start!

No. I don't see where you're coming from. I don't think you see where we're coming from. I think it should have been assumed that we wouldn't like photos made public considering we've never posted photos publicly ourselves. *My wife* text you to avoid upsetting *your wife*. She was upset after being told to overlook it by you. It was a simple text asking a simple favor. Nobody said *your wife* meant any harm. Since she was born there hasn't been one photo of her on Facebook. We'd like to keep it that way. *My wife* would like that respected. No need for arguments or anything. It's that simple.

I disagree with the message you sent above. You can't assume people know about your policy re: baby photos. I'm sorry, but you really need a bit of a wake up call here. Other peoples lives do not revolve around your baby. Some people plaster babies all over facebook and others don't, but nobody cares enough to keep track of everyone elses policies or lack there of. You were well with your right to ask them to take it down, but you handled it extremely poorly.

Pick up the phone or pay a visit to sort this mess out. And apologise for not handling the situation well!