Separation - feeling lost

dh74

I know that this has been done to death on this forum, but I need to vent :

My wife told me on last week that she wants to separate. I knew something was wrong when I got home from work and she blanked me completely.
She told me it was not my fault - I had done nothing wrong
She told me when the kids were playing upstairs.
She said that she had no feelings for me anymore, she didn't want to be intimate with me anymore (the last time we were close was at Christmas - she told me that she hated that) We have had no physical contact of any type since then.
The thing is, We have slept in separate bedrooms for the last few months - she said that it was to give me a good night sleep if she went to sleep with the kids when she was going to bed ( I go to bed early because I am up around 5.30am for work and she would normally go to be after midnight)

I suggested that we try marriage counselling but she refused - said there was no point.
Neither of us has family that we can turn to so we are stuck in the house until she gets work then she wants me to move out and then she will cover half of the mortgage. I will have nowhere to go as I have no real friends. (we struggle for money as it is so I have no idea how I can cover a rented place)
She is setting up a mediation meeting for us to go to, but I have to call too to accept the meeting. She seems to have it all planned.

Since then we have continued to be civil to each other. She seems so cold and um-emotional towards me, where I feel like a bag of crap or whatever analogy you can think of.

To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement. I am total shock, holding back the tears at work. I dont know why I am posting this here as she might know its me if she reads this. There is more detail I could add, I'd be here all day.

I dont know how to be, I am concentrating on the kids to keep me going.
Is the marriage dead?
Is there any hope?
What can I do?

I know people break up every day and I know the advise that I would give, but when it happens to you, then what?

Just want peoples thoughts / Insights / advise....

thanks for reading

Dr Crayfish

A friend of mine told his wife last month that he doesn't love her any more and they have since separated. He has now moved back home for the time being and is looking for his own flat. He was living a lie for a long time. They have 3 kids of various ages the eldest being 15 now.
People don't just say these things without putting a lot of thought into it first, and I mean a hell of a lot.
Acceptance is key here, you need to respect her decision and work on the best way to split, and arrangements with the kids etc.
She's not going to suddenly fall in love with you again.

nikkibikki

Sorry to read that OP. It does sound like she has her mind well and truly made up and has been thinking about it for a while. Sleeping in the other room was a way of breaking it gently I am guessing. Mediation, counselling and legal advice to start with, get your own legal advice before you agree to leave the house. It doesn't have to be the Dad that leaves the family home.

racso1975

As much as you might want the relationship to work out it does take 2 people and it would seem from the above that this is not the case. I am really sorry for your troubles also as its a terrible situation to be in and you can feel very very lost.

She has obviously thought about this a lot more then you in the sense of her getting a job and you stumping up half the mortgage while then renting buying somewhere else. It does not need to be like this.

The mediation is a good approach to begin with. If money is a problem it can be done free. At the end of it a mediation agreement will be provided for you and you can go to court to make it legal. It covers living arrangements such as the house, current savings, maintenance, custody, holidays etc its works out so much cheaper then doing it through solicitors etc.

If you have any further questions on the above fire away I'll only be too glad to answer.

You do need somebody to talk about this too. You have said you do not have family but do you have a friend you can discuss it with if not then you might want to consider a counselling

Airyfairy12

Did she say why she feels this way? did something happen that made her turn cold towards you? I would sit down and talk everything through with her. Im so sorry youre going through this, it sounds awful.

laserlad2010

I think the best advice that I have read on Boards is that you should not move out. Wait until after the mediation meeting.

This is as much your house as hers, you pay all of the mortgage. If she cannot stand you then she can move out herself. Once you move out you will be on the back foot for all negotiations going forward and could find yourself homeless if money is tight.

I think you should remain civil and stay put until a meeting clarifies things.

The Princess Bride

Definitely don't move out OP.
If you've been in separate bedrooms then continue to do this for as long as is necessary, until you've had mediation at least.

She needs to find work as is her plan.
If she's happy to pay half the mortgage with you moved out then perhaps she'd consider doing so from then so at least you might be able to save some money for whatever lies down the road for you.

You will be fine.
You're in shock now and grieving the loss of the relationship and the potential loss of the family unit as you know it.

Look after yourself and don't make any impulsive decisions.
And don't leave the house!

LegacyUser

Hey op, I'm really really sorry to hear about this.

Unfortunately it sounds like her mind is made up. Im a guy in my mid 30s and went through a similar situation nearly 2 years ago now - i know every emotion you're going through and can relate to every word you've written...

I have to say, exactly like you've described it was the toughest thing I've ever had to endure.
I remember that exact feeling of holding back tears in work - wondering how something like this can happen. How your life can be flipped upside down. My ex cheated on me - so this made everything much harder and still does. Hopefully you can remain civil with the mother of your kids going forward.

The shock of it all takes a long time to come to terms with - i still have ups and downs about it - give yourself time to process everything.

Unfortunately its far too common now - seems to happen to so many families. I felt the exact same as you - alone, felt like I had no one to talk to, suddenly felt more alone than i ever did. Dont worry - you are not alone.

Some things that i found really helped me, hopefully these help you in even just a very small way:

- Start focusing on yourself to try and make yourself happy. Take 30 minutes to go for a walk or jog before or after work or on your lunch break. Exercise is amazing to help clear the head and release some of the stress of the whole situation.

- I turned to drink for a while - try to avoid this - it made everything much worse. Emotions and feelings go off the charts in a situation like this. I dont drink much now at all and dont miss it one bit.

- Focus on your kids. You are still and will always be a hugely important pillar in their lives. Be strong for them, try and focus your energy on them. I find spending my time and energy with the kids, going for walks, to parks, cooking, painting, playing football helps forget about the situation we're in.

- Dont move out - i nearly did the same thing, in the end my ex moved, I was left to deal with the mortgage on my own and she found her own place.

I really wish you the very best for the future - things will work out ok.

dh74

thanks for all the comments guys.

A few more thoughts I would like your opinion on?
when I got home yesterday, We sat down and had dinner together, the chat was polite and civil but nothing emotional and I got the feeling that for her, things were grand. There was no tension whatsoever.
How can she drop this bombshell and continue as if nothing has happened? It was just like any other ordinary day, if you get what I mean.
We even sat down and watched some TV later on in the evening, again - like any other evening?

While I was playing football with my child in the garden, I thought to myself "I cant leave this, I cant leave the house just because she says so. If she wants to break up, then she can go, I cant see my kids only at the weekend, she can.."

that thought gave me peace for the rest of the night and I actually had a decent night sleep for the first time all week. I wouldn't put any restriction on when she could see the kids.

Its going into a long weekend, and I must admit that I am not looking forward it. Everyone at work delighted by it, but for me, its a weekend of uncertainty and mentally tiring.

There is more that I want to say but wont for now as maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Thanks again for all the replies..

nikkibikki

OK this might not be easy to hear but try put yourself in her shoes and it might be clear why there is no tension. She has obviously been feeling checked out of the marriage for a good few months, a year or more perhaps even. She has told you and that has set the ball rolling on your separation. She has taken the first step towards what she wants and it must be a huge weight off her shoulders. A huge relief. And a tension reliever. She doesn't have to hate you to not love you. Ye have kids so ye need to have a civil relationship, maybe that's what she is trying to create now, ye're new co-parenting relationship. Plus, also bear in mind, she could be trying to keep you as sweet as she can so she can come out of this with as much as possible. Have you shown any emotion yourself? Perhaps she's also relieved that you appear to her to be taking it so well?

I really feel for you OP and please look after yourself. Your kids need you to be strong.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to keep your cards close to your chest on this one. As mentioned things are probably calm now because are has laid out her plan and you haven't disagreed to it. So in her mind it's all going to go smoothly and she's going to get the lovely little life she's dreaming of, without you in the house.

You're right. You have done nothing wrong. You don't want the marriage to end, or the family to break up. You want to at least try counselling. She doesn't. Now, as others have also said, this will have been on her mind for quite some time. Long before Christmas too. It could be years building for her. If she genuinely has fallen out of love with you, it's unfortunate but it has happened. But do not leave that house under any circumstances. If you do you will be seen to have "abandoned" her and your children. Money is going to be tight regardless of who pays what. She says she will live in the house and pay half the mortgage.... While you pay the other half of the mortgage, full rent somewhere else and maintenance to her and the children too? Stay in the house. But don't tell her you're not going to leave yet. For now, it's all calm and still pleasant, as soon as you start resisting her plans things have the potential to turn very nasty, and you want to protect your children from that.

Is there anyone you can talk to? Any friend you can confide in? If not I would suggest you find a counsellor and go yourself. As time goes on your anger, and upset, and resentment at her will grow. You need to let that out somewhere where your children won't witness it.

You sound like a good man. Your wife doesn't sound like a bad woman, and I'd say she's also trying to figure out what's best for her and your children, but you will be far down her list of priorities. You need to start looking after your own interests now while keeping in mind that your children need to be affected as little as possible.

As others have said, don't do anything until you've had a few mediation appointments. And encourage your wife to get a job now, not in a few months time. Tell her she needs to start putting things in place, now.

laserlad2010

dh74 you need to visit a solicitor urgently. I am sorry to say but you need to leave the pity party behind now. Your wife, as others have said, has probably been planning this for some time and may have gotten legal advice.

You need to obtain legal advice and do not agree to anything. It is likely that she will bring a solicitor or even a legal document to the mediation meeting and I am concerned that you will be blindsided.

I hate to say this, but you are in the beginnings of a war now to hold on to your house, your kids, your finances and your wellbeing. By all means remain civil but do not expect your wife to remain so, especially if she feels you are resisting her "idyllic paradise plan".

All the best.

peckerhead

As someone going through a judicial separation (the expensive kind, after mediation has failed and when no separation agreement can be hammered out), I heartily second all of the above.

Good luck, OP, I feel for you. It's very hard to give advice to strangers, especially without knowing more of the specifics (which I agree that you shouldn't go into here) — but I can imagine how devastated you're feeling. As the others have said, try to spare the kids as much as possible — depending on their ages, they may already have picked up on a lot more than you'd imagine. But if the two of you can avoid scenes of conflict or high emotion in front of them the whole process will be a little less painful, for you as well as for them. They love you both and you both love them, and that's what they're going to need to keep hearing/seeing in your behaviour. But it's going to be tough. Mind yourself and, once again echoing others here, tread carefully. Get legal advice before you agree to leave the house.

silverharp

she is certainly coming across as very entitled by saying you should move out of your house but keep paying the bills given that you don't have money to burn, BBoC's post has bags of common sense. The only other thing I could think of is find ways of saving for yourself and put some cash (and I mean cash) aside so you have some reserve for whatever might happen later. I don't know what your situation with your house is, whether you have equity to lose or its mostly owned by the bank but don't settle for being put on the financial rack, consider insisting that the house is sold if it means lower future obligations.

dh74

Thanks for your post, a real eye opener

Do you really think that I need to see a Solicitor this early? Theres not much to tell him other than the fact that my wife has asked for a separation?

I dont know if my wife has seen a Solicitor yet - Should I ask her out on this?

She also says that there is an 8 week waiting list to see a mediator, so Its a few more weeks of torture I guess.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to start talking to her. You have a lot of questions, and you are entitled to look for answers. Your wife mightn't exactly have the answers, but once this becomes a reality for her and she realises it's really happening she's going to have to face up to the reality of it. Not the imagined everything will work out perfectly and we'll all move along without an hassle she has in her mind at the moment.

lollsangel

You need to consult a solicitor at your earliest convenience. I know when my exhusband and i split up (i walked out) he tried to blindside me. He wanted to keep the house, but wanted me to pay the mortgage, wanted me to pay bills from after id left(also pay ones that id previously given him money to pay) . Despite me being the breadwinner he thought he was entitled to everything.

I cannot stress enough the importance of a good lawyer

Good luck OP

Bandana boy

A solicitor at your earliest convenience , Start listing all the assets you have and where and how your money is controlled.
If you only have a joint account it could be worth opening a Personal account get your wages paid into it and only fund exactly what is required into the joint account .

If your going to fight for custody of the children this could get very nasty very quickly.

Buffman

dh74 wrote: »

Do you really think that I need to see a Solicitor this early? Theres not much to tell him other than the fact that my wife has asked for a separation?

Yes, definitely, there's some good advice in the other posts regarding why. At the moment nobody is looking out for your interests, you need some impartial legal advice from your point of view.

You have more than you might think to tell the solicitor, you're already being asked to leave your home and then continue to pay half the mortgage for a house you don't live in. That's a major red flag.

Also, if you haven't read this, it's worth a look.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

do not leave that house under any circumstances.

I can't emphasis this advice enough, do not move out.

dh74 wrote: »

I dont know if my wife has seen a Solicitor yet - Should I ask her out on this?

No harm to ask, don't be surprised if the answer is yes or she gets defensive.

dh74 wrote: »

She also says that there is an 8 week waiting list to see a mediator, so Its a few more weeks of torture I guess.

Again, she is in the driving seat of the whole situation at the moment, another reason you need independent legal advice.

As with most things in life, you have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Good luck.

XsApollo

First thing is do not move out.
It's your house also, stay in separate rooms ,be civil , do not cause arguments or the like.
She might be civil now , but when she realises you are not going to move out, it might get nasty. I'm making a general statement there as I don't know her.
Women have all the power in this situation.
A simple call to the guards if ye are arguing , that ye are having an argument and you will be told it's best to leave for the night or whatever.
Be careful , be civil , even if ye argue or whatever record the arguments.
Get advice of a solicitor that is used to family issues.

It's a sad place to be when the other person in a relationship says they want out of it, but they expect you to leave.
If she wants out, let her leave.

dellas1979

Does it really matter if she has consulted a solicitor yet?

She has told you the marriage is over. She has probably been emotionally detaching from the marriage for longer than you think.

Now you know whats going on, its time for you to emotionally detach.

The best piece of advice I ever got, in highly emotionally situations, is to remove the emotion from the situation.

You need to think as practical as hell now, for your own well being and your future. And be smart about this. Shes trying to play smart (for her wants/needs-she will not be thinking of yours-thats your job). Be smarter.

Do not leave the house (as just about every poster has said here).
Talk to a solicitor prior to this mediation
Do not engage in any arguments

And remember when she throws everything in your face (and she will when she realises she not getting what she wants), 1. She ended it. 2. You pay the mortgage on the house. 3. Youre looking after your needs and yourself. 4. Youre not a bad person no matter how this is twisted for wanting to protect yourself and your future. 5. She also has the option to leave the house. And that is her choice to do so.

Do not let any "awh poor mary" moments into your head. She is entitled to feel how she does, and want out. But not to the detriment of your future financial and wellbeing.

Heckler

dellas1979 wrote: »

Does it really matter if she has consulted a solicitor yet?

She has told you the marriage is over. She has probably been emotionally detaching from the marriage for longer than you think.

Now you know whats going on, its time for you to emotionally detach.

The best piece of advice I ever got, in highly emotionally situations, is to remove the emotion from the situation.

You need to think as practical as hell now, for your own well being and your future. And be smart about this. Shes trying to play smart (for her wants/needs-she will not be thinking of yours-thats your job). Be smarter.

Do not leave the house (as just about every poster has said here).
Talk to a solicitor prior to this mediation
Do not engage in any arguments

And remember when she throws everything in your face (and she will when she realises she not getting what she wants), 1. She ended it. 2. You pay the mortgage on the house. 3. Youre looking after your needs and yourself. 4. Youre not a bad person no matter how this is twisted for wanting to protect yourself and your future. 5. She also has the option to leave the house. And that is her choice to do so.

Do not let any "awh poor mary" moments into your head. She is entitled to feel how she does, and want out. But not to the detriment of your future financial and wellbeing.

Just about the emotional detachment bit. This is true.

When my wife told me it was over I was in bits and couldn't believe how calm and unemotional she was.

She had checked out well before and told me the reason she had such long baths was because she spent her time there crying because she knew things were over while I was oblivious in the next room. By the time it came to a head she had done her grieving for our marriage.

dh74

Heckler wrote: »

Just about the emotional detachment bit. This is true.

When my wife told me it was over I was in bits and couldn't believe how calm and unemotional she was.

She had checked out well before and told me the reason she had such long baths was because she spent her time there crying because she knew things were over while I was oblivious in the next room. By the time it came to a head she had done her grieving for our marriage.

OP here

Thanks for all the messages of advice
I hope the mods let me continue to post, as I cant tell anyone just yet.

The emotional detachment part is causing me trouble. A big part of me cannot accept this is happening at all and that she will come crying to me saying she made a mistake.

Over the weekend we barely talked, she ignored me some of the time, left rooms when I entered etc.
When we did talk, she seemed very angry with me for some reason. When I complemented her on the family dinner, she grunted something under her breadth and looked like pitbull ready for a fight...I kept quiet. I wouldn't be the most outgoing person or confrontational so I just let her be.

There has been no more emotional talks or heart to heart talks. She has become very introverted around me.

So I am just keeping calm and polite around her and playful to the kids, but inside I still feel hopeless. Must remind myself to keep the chin up....

thanks

Big Bag of Chips

You have to understand that now that she has said it out loud it makes it all more real. Regardless of how long she has felt like this, or been thinking this it wasn't anything more than feelings or thoughts. Now it's real. Now she's said it and it has to be dealt with.

Even though she has said it and she seems definite, that doesn't mean she is certain she is making the right decision. She will flip flop between being sure and being sure she's wrong! Ending a marriage is a very big deal and not something that any reasonable person does lightly. So even though she's in the driving seat with regards the decision, that doesn't mean she won't be going through a rollercoaster of emotion either.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for her! But just to maybe explain why she's not being a hardnosed bitch over the whole thing or why she's not walking on air now that it's 'all sorted'. It's going to be a long process with every emotion possible being thrown in there too.

Jurgen Klopp

First thing that comes to mind for me when yoy said how angry and bitchy she is cause you don't seem to following along with her little plan of moving out

Ursus Horribilis

This has the potential to turn toxic at the blink of an eyelid. All I can do is reiterate the advice the others have given you. Regardless of what you think about nails in coffins etc. you need to quietly go and get legal advice as soon as possible.

WinnyThePoo

This is going to be one of the most trying times in your life. You need to Brave for your kids and for yourself.

Please get legal advice as soon as possible and do not put it off. You need to be prepared to defend yourself.

Xterminator

Hi OP

my advice is that you need a solicitor now, and some counselling.

Get legal advice now, so that you know what your options are. Make sure you understand what the legal process for separation and divorce are, how it works, and if you should contest separation etc.

I wouldn't tell you wife for now. remember you are hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. keep cards close to your chest on financial and legal matters.

Now i suggest you look into counselling too. Your emotions will be all over the place now, and trust me there is likely to be a bit of anger and resentment, sadness, grief all in the mix. If you have someone to talk to it can help, but a professional wil lhelp you sort out your emotions, and maintain a good relationship with your wife. Im sure i dont have to tell you, but shes going to be in your life for a long time, as the mother of your children.

I think you may have to sort your priorities out a little here. and im afraid your wife will have to drop below yourself and your children in that list of priorities. this might require a conscious effort on your part. im not saying you need to be less friendly etc, simply you need a be a lttle be cautious.

She is still the same woman you met, and if she is a fundamentally decent person, then hopefully with mediation you can both have a happy outcome with no acrimony and remain good friends and parents.

finally you asked about hope. i will make the assumption you meant for the marriage. it does happen. but you can drive yourself mad trying to figure out why, and what if. Be the best person and father you can, hold your head up high and see what the future brings.

also i'd recommend you take a little me time. join a gym, or renew an old hobby. just something. it might get you out of the house a day or 2 a week but will help you be your old self.

Buffman

dh74 wrote: »

Over the weekend we barely talked, she ignored me some of the time, left rooms when I entered etc.
When we did talk, she seemed very angry with me for some reason. When I complemented her on the family dinner, she grunted something under her breadth and looked like pitbull ready for a fight...I kept quiet. I wouldn't be the most outgoing person or confrontational so I just let her be.

Hi OP, as others have suggested, it sounds like she expected you to follow her plan and move out immediately, leaving her in a far stronger legal position. As you're (quite rightly) not following her plan, the 'psychological warfare' may have started in order to 'encourage' you to leave.

And to be very cynical about it, she may be hoping to trigger an argument/physical altercation, so she can go down the barring order route to legally get you out of the house.

(I'm not trying to insult or disparage your wife, just trying to give you 'worst case' scenarios based upon what you've said.)

dh74 wrote: »

The emotional detachment part is causing me trouble.

dh74 wrote: »

I suggested that we try marriage counselling but she refused - said there was no point.
Neither of us has family that we can turn to so we are stuck in the house until she gets work then she wants me to move out and then she will cover half of the mortgage. I will have nowhere to go as I have no real friends. (we struggle for money as it is so I have no idea how I can cover a rented place)
She is setting up a mediation meeting for us to go to, but I have to call too to accept the meeting.She seems to have it all planned.

I just want to remind you of that first post, she's refused counselling, and seems to have everything planned. She seems to have already emotionally detached.

You're disadvantaged in having to play catch-up to at least a few months of a 'head start' on that front. It will take time.

But please don't leave getting legal advice on the long finger, the sooner the better.

Best of luck.

Latdefino

dh74 wrote: »

OP here

Thanks for all the messages of advice
I hope the mods let me continue to post, as I cant tell anyone just yet.

The emotional detachment part is causing me trouble. A big part of me cannot accept this is happening at all and that she will come crying to me saying she made a mistake.

Over the weekend we barely talked, she ignored me some of the time, left rooms when I entered etc.
When we did talk, she seemed very angry with me for some reason. When I complemented her on the family dinner, she grunted something under her breadth and looked like pitbull ready for a fight...I kept quiet. I wouldn't be the most outgoing person or confrontational so I just let her be.

There has been no more emotional talks or heart to heart talks. She has become very introverted around me.

So I am just keeping calm and polite around her and playful to the kids, but inside I still feel hopeless. Must remind myself to keep the chin up....

thanks

Always remain calm, that's key.

I would ask her why is she so angry with you? It's very simple but it makes covert communication overt so she can't bullsh1t you.

Keep a diary of events and record everything, save all written communication, emails, texts etc.

dh74

OP Here for an update...

What a horrible weekend, spent most of it on my own as usual. I am used to that now, at least the weather was good..

In my original post I never mentioned that she dropped this on our wedding anniversary. She has been talking with another man for the last 6 months or so, about the state of our marriage. not once did she talk to me.:mad:

I dont know think there is anything going on between them, and I dont really care if there is but I have seen some text messages between them (dont blame me for looking, as I was curious and never had a reason before this to look) and they were talking about sex and stuff, she talks about how horny she is all the time and how she loves to please a man:eek: My wife has never shown me too much emotion or love and hasn't come on to me in around 5 years. To read theses types of messages has me in shock but I get the impression that the guy isn't interested in her like that, awww

By the way, I have seen a solicitor for some advice. He was helpful and has put me on the path of what I need to do. I have accepted the marriage is over but I will not roll over and give her everything she wants.

Thanks...:)

Teyla Emmagan

Why were you on your own? They are your kids too. You should be organising to spend time with them as well at the weekends. There's hardly any chance she'll move out if she can justifiably say "sure Sean wouldn't know what to do with those children, he never takes them by himself". Don't let any wedge be driven in there.

dh74

when I said by myself, I meant me at home with the kids. She was out.