A Problem With Self-Medication???

LegacyUser

Hey guys, registered user going un-reg for this, as its quite personal, as the forum suggests :P

I suppose since Im asking the question I already know the answer to a degree.. but I would like advice all the same. My problem is (and I hope I'm using the correct terms etc) is that I self-medicate a lot. Ive started to realise it lately and its becoming a bit unsettling for me. I'm a male in mid 20's by the way!

Just initially for background.... Like most young lads, I started to drink when I was 15/16, sneaking out of the house bringing whatever beer I could get and meet up with the lads and have a few cans and have the craic, and I have to stress at this point I viewed alcohol as nothing more than devilment really I suppose. I was in no way, shape or form dependent on it. I could have just as easily went and not drank if ye get me, and enjoyed myself too. Alcohols not really the problem. But it could have been. I probably became socially dependent on alcohol over the next 2-3 years following this (I mean I couldn't go out without having a few drinks, Id see no point in it). Got to college and the going out 2-3 times a week started as it does for many students. Certainly hit a point in college where if I was having a hard time or whatever id get a bottle of wine or if there was a match on id easily drink 6-7 cans for the sake of it, Id take any excuse to drink. I was on the road to having a drink problem I would say if I kept this up.

My life and social habits totally changed around my 3rd year of college, and what changed it was me consuming my first ecstasy pill. I seen there was a whole new level out there. Drinking? Fcuk me, as anyone who has had MDMA will tell you, there is no comparison. I probably didnt drink for months, only used ecstasy when I went out. And its a controversial statement Im sure but I totally believe that being opened up to drugs saved me from being an alcoholic, as I seen partying could be done better I suppose. My drinking lessened considerably. I probably walked around with my head in the sky for a year, delighted with my discovery. I suppose only those that have experienced this too can relate.

But being opened up to drugs is now my problem. Ive calmed down from the initial taking of ecstasy and whatever and would rarely do it now, only at the odd festival or whatever, its not a problem. My problem is Ive become dependent on other drugs for certain situations, prescription drugs to be precise. I cant study properly anymore without study drugs like adderall or ritalin (if I dont have access to these Ill load up on caffeine), and I know this is a mental thing because I could study fine for my whole life before I was ever exposed to these.

Ive been taking valium or xanax for quite a while (but never enough to get withdrawal). I take it if Im going into a social situation that I might be nervous about like meeting a new person etc, just because it was convenient at the start and made it easier as it took away nerves. For example, I took a xanax on my first day at a new course as I was nervous about meeting the new people. But now, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing a thing like this without one.

I wont do a job interview without a line of coke or a xanax to either calm me or give me confidence to talk myself up. Not that I cant do this anyway but I just do it better on these substances. And now I feel like Im putting myself at a disadvantage if I go to an interview or whatever without a line or a pill.

Im not a bad person in social situations really, Im shyish enough I guess, but I can make friends, I can talk to people. Im not the worst conversationalist. My problem is that Im just not as good at these things as I am when Im taking whatever substance I choose to enhance me.

Why Im here is I know this is wrong. Im reading over this and it probably looks like Im an addict but I know Im not, I use these drugs in certain situations... as an enhancer is what I call them. I can do it anyway but Im better if I had a line of coke or a pill for confidence. I need to get myself out of this mindset.

Whats the steps to take here? Does anybody else do this? Do I have some underlying problem? I know Im not the most confident person in the world and this probably contributes to this. I think any opinions would help me here.

Id also like to add Im in no way a scumbag or anything as a lot of these kind of drug users would be viewed as. Ive worked for years, funded my own college education, play sports, have a masters degree to my name. Anyone would think Im the most normal lad in the world.

Also another note, I don't get these drugs prescribed to me. I have no anxiety problems, or problems that would require me to have a prescription for these. I get them through other mediums, I know this is wrong and I'd appreciate if the discussion didn't descend on the rights and wrongs of this.

Thanks in advance.

Neyite

If you got a random drug test at work, and failed it, what would be the implications for your career long term, or your job prospects?

If you got caught buying your supply from your dealer or came to the attention of Gardai that way, what effect would a drug conviction have on your life? What countries would that kind of conviction stop you from visiting?

You see, when you explain it all so reasonably, you think it makes sense - and it does - to you. It's like that for every other drug user too. But it's illegal and could have consequences for you that follow you around forever.

Have a read of this guys story. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057705680

baby and crumble

You say that your drug use "enhances" you- are you sure of that? Lots of people think they're great craic or making perfect sense but if you were to look at yourself or your conversations afterwards, you might not agree.

Wesser

I wouldn't call it an enhancer I woukd call.it a crutch. Do you need these substances to face these situations ? If so you are dependant in a way and therefore they are a crutch.
You need to get professional help before you slide down a slippery slope. You are already on the slopes imo.
There are a myriad of excellent services available to help you both hse and private. Your first port of call is your GP who will assess you and point you in the right direction.

Tell me how

OPENING POSTER wrote:

Why Im here is I know this is wrong.

Most important line in your OP.

Whether it is because of legal, social health impact reasons doesn't really matter. You "know" it's wrong.

I disagree with your view that you're not an addict. In my (unqualified) view, you are. Maybe the highly functioning, non compulsive type but an addict nonetheless.

I've heard, and believe, that acknowledging this is critical in changing a person's behaviour.

Find a strong person who you can open up to (such as your GP maybe) tell them the full story and follow the advice they give you.

LynnGrace

I second the advice of going to your GP.

Fair play, you have realised that you need to do something, so follow up on that. It won't be easy, but GPs have heard pretty much everything, I am sure, and he/ she will be best placed to help.

All the best.

CorkFenian

I would say go the GP route, (really depends on your GP)

As someone who had a different experience to this without the MDMA, using benzos, Xanax etc I couldn't recommend this course more

http://www.dublinbuddhistcentre.org/meditation.htm

Talk therapy is great for that as well....It will help you enormously

Once you're satisfied that you've gone as far as you can with GP.......

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all replies

I read that AMA thread linked above. One of the quotes from the recovered user hit me.

"You summarised it perfectly in the first paragraph, it all boils down to fear, feeling fearful for no reason. For me anyway, worrying, ridiculous fears, not funny enough, not smart enough.. blah blah.
You find a substance which takes these insecurities away and there is no going back really."

I think that is me.

Ill take a line of coke before an interview out of fear that I'll be too nervous and not confident enough. It does the job. Ill take a valium if I'm nervous about going somewhere new or doing something difficult. It calms me and it does the job.

It's almost out of convenience, that's my mindset...

peckerhead

As someone who spent a long time self-medicating (primarily with alcohol), my take is that the line between abuse and dependency is a very, very fine one, and the longer you do this the more powerful the hold becomes. It's a simple matter of habituation.

I hope the answers you get on this thread will give you food for thought, OP, and that you'll go and have an honest chat with your GP. Believe me, nothing you tell him/her is going to shock them.

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Xterminator

HI OP

i think you are realising something is not right, but still a little in denial.

Ive become dependent on other drugs for certain situations, .....I cant study properly anymore without study drugs like adderall or ritalin

then

it probably looks like Im an addict but I know Im not

But my definition of an addict is someone who is dependant on a substance/drug. Not someone who is strung out and cant cope with life, which i think is closer to your perception of addicts. There are plenty of functioning addicts out there who can do their job fine and get by and id place you in that category.

im not being harsh, but i think you cannot move forward without recognising this.

have a good read of this article.
http://www.independent.ie/irish-news/health/crisis-of-the-prescription-drug-addicts-34370811.html

give an idea of the options going forward. if you can talk to your GP, that would be a great place to start.