Honest - Advice Please

Hopeless romantic2016

hi there

I am looking for some honest, unbiased advice, I am at a stage where I genuinely no longer know what to do and I don't know where to go from here

I am a 30 year old woman, I have a career i love and family and friends whom I adore.

I met my ex partner in 2013 - I was finishing for my studies and so I had no time to date - this man pursued me for an entire year until I was ready to date him.

He is a kind and caring man. We began going out in 2014 and moved in together in 2015. He moved out in January 2016 and said he had, had enough.

during our relationship I had been quite insecure and possessive, he has told me this affected his relationships, friendships and his family in a negative way.

since he left I had been in counselling and went travelling alone to "find myself" and get my head straight. It was a very rough break up.

I met him before I left Ireland in May 2016 to apologise for all I had put him through and expressed the hope that perhaps we could talk about things when I returned, he told me he wouldn't give me false hope and he didn't know what he wanted.

I returned home in September 2016 to start working in my field. In October 2016 he contacted me and we had lunch he expressed that he would like to work on things but we would need to take things slowly.

We were getting on great. At times he would be short tempered but I put this down to the way I treated him in the past. He has constantly commented on how much I have changed and that he loves me. In January 2017 I expressed concern that we weren't progressing and asked him if he was considering us getting back together as I was beginning to feel uncomfortable in limbo. He took this as an ultimatum, got very angry and told me he couldn't give me what I wanted right now.

we didn't speak for three weeks and when he contacted me in February I told him perhaps it was time we both moved on with our lives, he told me he loved me, he wanted me and he just wasn't ready to get back with me yet but that he wasn't dating anyone else and could we continue to take things slow.

At times I feel very guilty that I am perhaps being selfish by wanting him to make a decision, I know how much I hurt him in the past. Another part of me feels like he may never be ready to get back with me.

His mother is recovering from cancer and he has told me that he doesn't want to worry her or tell anyone that we are back together until he knows we are solid.

It's been 7 months and things have gone from him not being ready to him not knowing what he wants.

I am afraid that if I walk away I will ruin whatever progress we have made but feel that if I stay I am damaging myself as I am living in limbo- with no idea of what is really going on here - I don't like having an intimate relationship with someone I'm not in a relationship with and it is just very confusing.

I had suggested it may help him figure out what he wants if dated other people and he told me if I wanted to date other people then he was gone. which wasn't what I had meant at all.

I do not know what I can do anymore. I feel like a door mat and that everything is on his terms.

Can someone please offer me some insight here.

Should I hang in here ?

thanks, Confused

njs030

Op this isn't your first post is it? I recognise quite a few of the details.

Seven months later he won't commit to a relationship, is blaming everything on you but insists you hang around and wait for him or else he's gone...and you're having an intimate relationship?

Yes you're being a doormat.

Walk away. Someone who values you wouldn't leave you hanging. Wouldn't expect you to take all the blame and would make you feel loved and wanted.

It's important to have some self respect and dignity and you have none at the moment. Walk away and stop letting him control you, he knows how to find you if he cares enough.

Big Bag of Chips

He doesn't want to commit to you, but he wants you on standby for company and sex whenever he feels like it. You seem to be giving him the power to decide everything. This relationship isn't working for you. That means that rather than him giving you an ultimatum, you are allowed give him one. Step up, or you're gone.

You may have treated him badly in the past for whatever reason, but that doesn't give him a free pass to have you on a tight leash plodding along behind him wondering where you're going. It's telling that any time you try discuss it you're immediately met with the threat of breaking up with you, yet he won't actually do it. He's subtly controlling you and the relationship. Unless you can talk about where your relationship is going, then it's going nowhere.

Hopeless romantic2016

is it at all possible that he is just extremely hurt about the way I have treated him and that is why he is on the fence about this?

I find it so confusing because he says one thing and just refuses to take anything I say on board rather focusing on everything that was wrong in the past

he told me he feels I betrayed him in the past by doubting who he was as a person and now he is being upfront and honest with me about where he is at

I'm just not sure why none of that sits right with me

baby and crumble

In all honesty OP, that entire thing sounds like a total headwreck. Ye've been back and forth for ages, plus the fact that he "pursued you" for a year- presumably whilst you were saying no- makes me wonder. Not sure about what, but it seems weird to me.

Honestly, my advice is just get out of this scenario. As others have said he's keeping you hanging, possibly because he genuinely doesn't know what he wants, but like 6 months is enough time to be figuring that out. His short temper and tendency to blame you for everything would be a deal breaker for me.

Big Bag of Chips

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

is it at all possible that he is just extremely hurt about the way I have treated him and that is why he is on the fence about this?

Maybe. But just because that's how he feels it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. He can't be with you but continuously use the past as a stick to beat you with. He either moves past it or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, or can't, then what's the point in being in a relationship with him.

This relationship, from what you say has never actually been good. For either of you. Maybe it's time to realise that and make a decision. You sound like a person who isn't very sure of themselves. You're letting him dictate the terms of the 'relationship'. That's not what a relationship should be. It should be easy, fun, relaxed, you should know where you stand. This is none of those things, and he won't discuss it with you. Not a good sign.

Bambi985

Stop apologising, you're not Hitler. You're just someone with a few insecurities, like most of the general population, and he is taking full advantage. He knows he can string you along to his heart's content and you'll go nowhere as long as he dangles the vague hope of a relationship over your head. If anyone should be apologising it should be him. He's treating you like muck.

What do your family and friends think of him? I think it's very easy to see this type of guy for who he is when you're not emotionally involved. He's not good for you and he doesn't care about you in the slightest.

Hopeless romantic2016

Bambi985 wrote: »

Stop apologising, you're not Hitler. You're just someone with a few insecurities, like most of the general population, and he is taking full advantage. He knows he can string you along to his heart's content and you'll go nowhere as long as he dangles the vague hope of a relationship over your head. If anyone should be apologising it should be him. He's treating you like muck.

What do your family and friends think of him? I think it's very easy to see this type of guy for who he is when you're not emotionally involved. He's not good for you and he doesn't care about you in the slightest.

my family and friends are very divided... some of them adore him, others don't like him at all.

All agree it shouldn't be so difficult for him to make a decision.

I don't know what to do anymore as I thought he was it for me, he tells me I don't listen to him and he doesn't feel respected by me when I pressure him into talking about whether or not we are getting back together.

That he has laid it all out and we just need to take things slow.

So part of me feels I should be more patient and another part of me feels like if he doesn't know what he wants then obviously that means he doesn't want me.

His actions are the confusing bit, at times he makes me a priority and puts me first and other times he acts like I'm an inconvenience in his life. He apologises for being "cranky" when he out right dismisses how I feel.

I know i would never treat him this way and I know he is a good person so it doesn't make sense that he would just lead me on

i honestly don't think he would do that but obviously the situation says differently

Big Bag of Chips

To strip this back and make it simple: If there is something about a relationship that makes you unhappy you have a right to try address it. If your partner refuses to take it on board or chooses to not and continues to do the thing that upsets you, then you have a choice. You either accept it and live with it or you decide the relationship isn't for you.

It is really that simple.

He can choose how he wishes to conduct the relationship. But you can choose if that's what you want.

Hopeless romantic2016

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

To strip this back and make it simple: If there is something about a relationship that makes you unhappy you have a right to try address it. If your partner refuses to take it on board or chooses to not and continues to do the thing that upsets you, then you have a choice. You either accept it and live with it or you decide the relationship isn't for you.

It is really that simple.

He can choose how he wishes to conduct the relationship. But you can choose if that's what you want.

I have tried to discuss this and explained that I didn't know how much more of limbo I could take and he told me that if I can't give him this time and space I am just proving him right.

I suppose I'm afraid if I walk away now I will ruin whatever progress we have made and he will never want to fix things.

Friends of mine have told me to leave and if he doesn't try to fix things then I have my answer but I just think that they are games I don't want to be playing.

Big Bag of Chips

But he's playing games with you! He's keeping you dangling to see how long you'll stay dangling! He's told you that.

If he wanted to be with you this wouldn't be so hard.

Bambi985

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I don't know what to do anymore as I thought he was it for me, he tells me I don't listen to him and he doesn't feel respected by me when I pressure him into talking about whether or not we are getting back together.

Imagine trying to get anything significant done or discussed with this man? Imagine trying to bring up marriage or babies or moving house or any number of normal life events that happen within a relationship. And it's all about how "pressured" he's feeling and how awful a person you are for making him feel uncomfortable.

I'll bet he's one of these charmers too that half of your family and friends are enamoured by and the other half can see right through.

I'm not sure where you're getting the impression that he's a good person tbh. He doesn't sound all that great to me. He sounds like a selfish man with no consideration for your feelings and absolutely no character or conviction. Happy enough to mess you around until something better comes along and grabs his attention. Happy enough to guilt trip you into silence over your insecurities and how they played out when you were together, which is no surprise really given the kind of man he is.

Are you being blinding by your age here, as many women tend to be? Are you thinking, "I'm 30, I need to get this nailed down, this needs to be the man I settle down with.." and that's fogging your vision? Don't do that. You're still quite young and have the chance to walk away and build a better future for yourself with someone who loves you and wants to be with you every chance they get. Hold out for that. Put some bloody value on yourself, even if you have to fake it for the moment, and walk away from this car crash of a man.

njs030

Op what progress have you made? From what you've said all thats changed is he is using you as someone to have sex with when he feels like it without commitment.

This is going to continue indefinitely unless you change it. He doesn't care enough about your pain to make a decision so you have to decide, either put up with things how they are or walk away and show him you value yourself more than being treated like this.
It doesn't have to be forever. Maybe some space and realising you're not waiting around for him will clarify his thoughts and make him realize what he wants and he will commit.

Though if you decide to go this way don't tell him any thing other than you're not waiting around any more, ignore his threats. If he cares enough he will treat you properly.

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

In all honesty OP, that entire thing sounds like a total headwreck. Ye've been back and forth for ages, plus the fact that he "pursued you" for a year- presumably whilst you were saying no- makes me wonder. Not sure about what, but it seems weird to me.

My spidey senses are tingling too B&C.

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

this man pursued me for an entire year until I was ready to date him.

He is a kind and caring man. We began going out in 2014 and moved in together in 2015. He moved out in January 2016 and said he had, had enough.

He pursued you for a year, you got together, moved in together and then a few months later he moves out because he's "had enough".

Everything else aside, that reads like classic "enjoys the hunt" behaviour.

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

during our relationship I had been quite insecure and possessive, he has told me this affected his relationships, friendships and his family in a negative way.

So, in HIS opinion you were insecure and possessive? So much so that it had a negative affect on his relationship with family and friends?? Sounds a tad dramatic to be honest.

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

At times he would be short tempered but I put this down to the way I treated him in the past.

At times I feel very guilty that I am perhaps being selfish by wanting him to make a decision, I know how much I hurt him in the past.

Seriously, he left you. What exactly did you do that was so bad that he quit the relationship a few months after you moved in together?

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I feel like a door mat and that everything is on his terms.

He absolutely wants everything on his terms. In fact, if you think back you'll probably find everything HAS been on his terms since he first met you, the only difference is that back then he was pursuing you and now he's dangling you.

Take a step back and have a good think about how things were, how they are and how you think they will end up. Because, at the very least, if I've read him right, even if you do get back together properly, he'll end it again.

Big Bag of Chips

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Take a step back and have a good think about how things were, how they are and how you think they will end up.

This is a very fair point. Can you ever see a time where this relationship will settle into a nice, easy, settled relationship where you both have a mutual respect and regard for each other? Where you are both equals and 'have each other's backs' when the need arises? Life is tough, and it gets harder as it goes on and you have more commitments and responsibilities. Jobs, rent/mortgage, health problems, aging parents, children of your own maybe, job losses, mental health issues... Are you confident that if you spend the (unspecified) required amount of time 'proving yourself' to him that he then will be there beside 100% for the rest of your life? Helping you through your struggles. Being a support to each other?

If you're not all that sure then there is no shame in walking away now. Let him twist it whatever way he likes. Let him say he was right about you all along. To be honest, the way he's treating you, he's making damn certain he's going to be as right as possible.

A proper, mutual relationship shouldn't start with an endurance test. These are supposed to be the easy days. If things have never really been easy, they are never going to be. And it sounds like you'll tie yourself to him just to prove him 'wrong', even if it makes you miserable.

BetsyEllen

I was in a similar situation until very recently. I let it go on for almost a year.

One thing I tell myself when my mind wanders to sending him a text now or giving him a call is that there are over 7 billion people on this planet. And I am wasting my time waiting for 1 to love me.

He's not going to change, he doesn't love you - you are a convenience to him and handy to have around.

Love shouldn't make you feel this way - you said 'I feel like a door mat and that everything is on his terms' - this is the person that is meant to enhance and compliment your life, make you feel valued and special.
Not confused and in limbo.

Hopeless romantic2016

would anyone suggest I just back off here and don't contact him and see what happens?

I was considering just not contacting him to speak about it, I mean he knows how I feel. I think it has been talked to death and there needs to be some action on his part.

We haven't spoken since Saturday night and I haven't initiated contact so I was thinking I would just let him get in touch with me and not contact him back. And he may realise for once that I am serious about not being able to do this anymore.

I have always been there and been available whenever he gets in touch and I do make it easy for him to walk in and out of my life.

Hopeless romantic2016

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I was in a similar situation until very recently. I let it go on for almost a year.

One thing I tell myself when my mind wanders to sending him a text now or giving him a call is that there are over 7 billion people on this planet. And I am wasting my time waiting for 1 to love me.

He's not going to change, he doesn't love you - you are a convenience to him and handy to have around.

Love shouldn't make you feel this way - you said 'I feel like a door mat and that everything is on his terms' - this is the person that is meant to enhance and compliment your life, make you feel valued and special.
Not confused and in limbo.

Thanks for the response-

Has your ex tried to contact you since you left ?
Expressed remorse or even noticed what his behaviour prompted you to do?

BetsyEllen

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

Thanks for the response-

Has your ex tried to contact you since you left ?
Expressed remorse or even noticed what his behaviour prompted you to do?

Yes every time I've tried to cut contact he's initiated it again after a period of silence.

During the past year I stopped contact a few times and every single time he came back - either with a phone call, a text or just turning up unannounced at the house (we live very close to each other) - I mistook it for some kind of romantic thing but actually I now see that he just couldn't handle being rejected, he wanted to be in control.

It will be the same with your guy - it's the control he likes, knowing he can have you when he wants. I look back on myself over the past year and cringe at how pathetic I have been and how I appeared to him.

Doormats aren't attractive

Remember you said he pursued you for a year? That's probably what he likes, the thrill of the chase.
There is no chase now. You're there hanging onto his every promise and begging for more. There's no fun in that!

I can guarantee with absolute certainty that if you disappear he will come looking for you.
And although that sounds tempting to you, once he has you back (which he will) he will be bored again.

Just walk away. To be brutally honest you are 30 not 20 and not going to get any younger - you don't have time for this kind of crap.
I am the same age as you and I think hitting 30 changed things for me...this is not the kind of life I want for myself.

I want to grow older feeling happy and content, not chasing some insecure arsewipe who got his kicks from treating me like crap.

These are the best years of our lives OP, don't waste them on somebody that cares very little about you!

Hopeless romantic2016

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Yes every time I've tried to cut contact he's initiated it again after a period of silence.

During the past year I stopped contact a few times and every single time he came back - either with a phone call, a text or just turning up unannounced at the house (we live very close to each other) - I mistook it for some kind of romantic thing but actually I now see that he just couldn't handle being rejected, he wanted to be in control.

It will be the same with your guy - it's the control he likes, knowing he can have you when he wants. I look back on myself over the past year and cringe at how pathetic I have been and how I appeared to him.

Doormats aren't attractive

Remember you said he pursued you for a year? That's probably what he likes, the thrill of the chase.
There is no chase now. You're there hanging onto his every promise and begging for more. There's no fun in that!

I can guarantee with absolute certainty that if you disappear he will come looking for you.
And although that sounds tempting to you, once he has you back (which he will) he will be bored again.

Just walk away. To be brutally honest you are 30 not 20 and not going to get any younger - you don't have time for this kind of crap.
I am the same age as you and I think hitting 30 changed things for me...this is not the kind of life I want for myself.

I want to grow older feeling happy and content, not chasing some insecure arsewipe who got his kicks from treating me like crap.

These are the best years of our lives OP, don't waste them on somebody that cares very little about you!

Thank you so much for your advice

njs030

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

would anyone suggest I just back off here and don't contact him and see what happens?

I was considering just not contacting him to speak about it, I mean he knows how I feel. I think it has been talked to death and there needs to be some action on his part.

We haven't spoken since Saturday night and I haven't initiated contact so I was thinking I would just let him get in touch with me and not contact him back. And he may realise for once that I am serious about not being able to do this anymore.

I have always been there and been available whenever he gets in touch and I do make it easy for him to walk in and out of my life.

He probably will contact you because he wants control of the situation. Can you refuse to go back without commitment though?

Hopeless romantic2016

notjustsweet wrote: »

He probably will contact you because he wants control of the situation. Can you refuse to go back without commitment though?

I am hoping my silence with show that I'm serious about not being able to continue this without commitment.

I am actually naively hoping that if I don't talk to him about this again and just remove myself from his life that he will wake up and see that I am willing to leave.

BetsyEllen

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I am hoping my silence with show that I'm serious about not being able to continue this without commitment.

I am actually naively hoping that if I don't talk to him about this again and just remove myself from his life that he will wake up and see that I am willing to leave.

It might work. But just be wary that if it does and he comes back I doubt it will last.

I don't think he's the one for you...when someone has made you feel bad for so long, it's very hard to have a normal, healthy relationship after that.
Him saying 'yes let's get back together' isn't like flicking a switch and all the problems going away. It will be the exact same situation apart from you are now allowed to call him your boyfriend.

He can still string you along in plenty of other ways...if he's been so reluctant to put a relationship label on what you have, what about in the near future when you want to move in together again, get engaged or have kids?

frogstar

I'm sorry but love shouldn't be this complicated.

To quote the movie, he's just not that into you. If he wanted to be with you he would. Simple as.

I've been there and wasted years over it. I wish i had the sense to move on sooner. I'm happily married now and while we have our ups and downs like any couple, getting together was just "easy" No BS.

njs030

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I am hoping my silence with show that I'm serious about not being able to continue this without commitment.

I am actually naively hoping that if I don't talk to him about this again and just remove myself from his life that he will wake up and see that I am willing to leave.

Moving that along if he calls you tonight and says yes he wants to be with you as Betsy says above do you then think everything will magically OK?

Are you the same person who posted a while ago? I ask because I remember details that match yours and remember he wasn't the saint you're making him out to be here.

Perhaps in your desperation to get back with him youre overlooking how badly he treats you?

Bambi985

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I am hoping my silence with show that I'm serious about not being able to continue this without commitment.

I am actually naively hoping that if I don't talk to him about this again and just remove myself from his life that he will wake up and see that I am willing to leave.

Honestly this is so painful to read. You're just not getting it OP. You're so blinded by this need for this man to validate you, to recognise you, to want you and respect you that you're not seeing the wood for the trees.

You're silence should show NOTHING other than silence. It should have no ulterior motives, the sole reason should be to give him and his shoddy treatment of you a massive middle finger and to assert yourself and give your self-worth the nod that it will never get from him.

Asking Betsy-Ellen if her ex got back in contact after the radio silence is the wrong question. Stop obsessing over that. Of bloody course he did. Of course this sort of a selfish, immature and ego-driven man is going to prick his ears when something is out of reach. That's the whole point. He wants you when you don't want him; once you're hooked it's game over, mission accomplished and onto the next conquest.

The right question is - did you get over him? Did you move on from him? And of course she did. Because she woke up and realised that she was no longer 20 and this juvenile cat-and-dog chase style of dating was getting old and getting her nowhere.

Right now you have none of that perspective that you get when you remove someone from your life and look back and see the situation for what it really is. Remove him from your life. Honestly there'll be five more threads on this before the year is out if you don't do the right thing for yourself, and at that stage you'll be 31 and even deeper into the misery and headfcukery and desperation of the situation. Let. Him. Go. And not in a conditional sense, based on it sparking his interest again. Let him go for good. It will be the best thing you do for yourself this year.

Hopeless romantic2016

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I feel like a door mat and that everything is on his terms.

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

none of that sits right with me

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I suppose I'm afraid if I walk away now I will ruin whatever progress we have made and he will never want to fix things.

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I was thinking I would just let him get in touch with me and not contact him back. And he may realise for once that I am serious about not being able to do this anymore.

I have always been there and been available whenever he gets in touch and I do make it easy for him to walk in and out of my life.

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I am hoping my silence with show that I'm serious about not being able to continue this without commitment.

I am actually naively hoping that if I don't talk to him about this again and just remove myself from his life that he will wake up and see that I am willing to leave.

OP, you're clearly not listening to anyone else so listen to yourself. You know he's treating you like a door mat, you know you make it easy for him to walk in and out of your life, none of that sits right with you and you're STILL hoping that by playing the silent game (yes, "game") he'll wake up and see that you're willing to leave and suddenly realise you're serious about not being able to continue without a commitment and ... and what?

And it will start all over again and you'll be back asking the same question in a few weeks.

As you say yourself, you ARE being naïve. As another poster said, love shouldn't be this complicated.

Like BetsyEllen, I spent a long time waiting for a guy to "shít or get off the pot" (if you'll pardon the expression) and it's at the point where you HAVE to demand a commitment that you should realise that you're unlikely to ever get one ... not months later.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you two actually in a relationship? Or is this a casual thing under the guise of 'taking it slow'? I ask because you mentioned if he wanted to see other people, and his response was if you date anyone else, it's over. What exactly would be over? If you are not in a proper relationship with him he has no right to dictate who you can or can't see. If he is not willing to commit to you he has no right to stop you seeing others.

I may be way off but I wonder is he dating others? The hot and cold. Being all about you sometimes and you feeling like you're bothering him at other times? Maybe you are bothering him. Maybe he's chatting to/dating/texting others and you are interfering with that. Maybe he's taking it slow with you and keeping you in the background while he waits to see if he gets a better offer?

I think it so sad how you are handing control of your happiness over to someone else. And someone who's not all that bothered about your happiness, at that. You have a say here. You are as entitled as him to pull the plug on this at any time. It is never going to be happy ever after for you. Never. There's too much of a power imbalance. He is in complete control of this 'relationship' and that will always be the way. Can you see him sharing the power with you? Or can you see yourself always toeing the line to his requirements for fear of him 'being right about you' and ending it.

That's not a normal, happy relationship. That's in the realms of an abusive relationship. You just can't see that yet. I hope you do before too much longer.

amtc

I suppose it's the cliche of he's just not that into you.

I've learnt painfully that if a man is that into you he'll move heaven and earth, otherwise you're just an option. Relying on crumbs from his table destroys your self esteem.

It's hard to keep in contact because all you're doing is picking off a scab every time it gets to healing.

Be good to yourself. 'Reclaim your power

groovyg

You have already dated and lived with the guy and it hasn't worked out. Moving in together is a big step in any relationship and when if falls apart at that stage you should have cut him out of your life for good. Also while you have outlined your faults I don't think its good to be taking all the blame for the relationship falling apart, nobody is perfect but it takes two to make a relationship work. It might be worth your while to go back to counselling because this guy is not good for your self esteem or self worth, if he really loved you would be back together.

Hopeless romantic2016

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you two actually in a relationship? Or is this a casual thing under the guise of 'taking it slow'? I ask because you mentioned if he wanted to see other people, and his response was if you date anyone else, it's over. What exactly would be over? If you are not in a proper relationship with him he has no right to dictate who you can or can't see. If he is not willing to commit to you he has no right to stop you seeing others.

I may be way off but I wonder is he dating others? The hot and cold. Being all about you sometimes and you feeling like you're bothering him at other times? Maybe you are bothering him. Maybe he's chatting to/dating/texting others and you are interfering with that. Maybe he's taking it slow with you and keeping you in the background while he waits to see if he gets a better offer?

I think it so sad how you are handing control of your happiness over to someone else. And someone who's not all that bothered about your happiness, at that. You have a say here. You are as entitled as him to pull the plug on this at any time. It is never going to be happy ever after for you. Never. There's too much of a power imbalance. He is in complete control of this 'relationship' and that will always be the way. Can you see him sharing the power with you? Or can you see yourself always toeing the line to his requirements for fear of him 'being right about you' and ending it.

That's not a normal, happy relationship. That's in the realms of an abusive relationship. You just can't see that yet. I hope you do before too much longer.

I honestly have no idea what we are in -
We spend time together, date and do all the normal couple things. He has told he is willing and able to work on things he is just not ready to get back with me as he is still dealing with issues from our previous relationship.

He has told me that he doesn't want to tell his family we are back together until he knows we are solid.

He has also told me he isn't talking to anyone else nor is he interested in seeing anyone else and if I wanted to date other people he is gone as we cannot build trust in that situation.

Perhaps what he is saying is valid but because I feel like he is just not willing to make a decision it makes me question his intention for behaving in certain ways.

His behavior is erratic at times, hot and cold- I know he is in the final two months of his course and his mother is recovering from cancer so I really don't feel like he is actually taking any time to consider our relationship. It seems that he is just putting it on the back burner and hoping I will wait it out.

I don't know.

cactusgal

It may seem dated or pop culture-y, but the book "He's Just Not That Into You" really helped me at a time when I was dealing with a pseudo-relationship that had no future.

Him saying "I don't know" means "no." Him fobbing you off because of work, stress, a sick mother? Still no. He's had every opportunity to know you inside and out, he's looked at you as a complete package, considered all of his options ... And still said "no."

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It really is as simple as that.

Sorry, OP. He's not your guy. Life is a short and precious gift. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Big Bag of Chips

Or maybe instead of hoping you'll wait it out, he's hoping you'll get fed up and walk. That way he doesn't have to be the bad guy, and he has the added bonus of being 'right' about you :rolleyes:

Why don't YOU put it on the back burner? Why don't you tell him it's obviously not the right time for him to be dealing with this, and his exams and his mam etc and that you need a bit of headspace too to figure it all out. Take a break, a complete and total break for 6 months to both get your heads together and in 6 months time see where you both stand.

You are as entitled as he is to need space to figure it out. Unfortunately you don't believe that. You believe, and he has you believing, that you have to be there, hanging around in the background proving your loyalty to him in some bizarre test. I have a feeling it doesn't matter what anyone here advises you, you're going to stick this out until the bitter end. And the end will come when he walks away from you once and for all over some minor matter that finally 'proved' to him that he's right about you.

By the way, what does he mean by that? Right about what about you?

miamee

It shouldn't be this hard, Hopelessromantic. And it sounds really very hard. Stop waiting for him to make all the decisions and make one of your own. Take some control back and take some time away from this guy to really see all of the signs he has given you. Not the words he says but the things he is doing - pushing back against you when you want to talk, pushing back about telling his family, pushing back about whether you're in a relationship or not (but don't you dare think about seeing anyone else even though he's not sure he wants to see you himself). My advice, if you haven't contacted him since the weekend, then don't. But don't do it hoping he'll realise what he's missing or how serious you are or anything of the sort. Do it becasue contacting him does you no good. He is bringing norhing positive to your life from the sounds of things.

Everything seems to be in his terms, you are walking on eggshells around him, tiptoeing around subjects you want to talk about but he won't becasue he just can't be bothered. He is going to wreck your head for as long as possible and then he'll meet someone else and you'll be dropped like a hot potato. He might be a good person but he's not being good to you.

miamee

cactusgal wrote: »

It may seem dated or pop culture-y, but the book "He's Just Not That Into You" really helped me at a time when I was dealing with a pseudo-relationship that had no future.

Him saying "I don't know" means "no." Him fobbing you off because of work, stress, a sick mother? Still no. He's had every opportunity to know you inside and out, he's looked at you as a complete package, considered all of his options ... And still said "no."

If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It really is as simple as that.

Sorry, OP. He's not your guy. Life is a short and precious gift. Don't waste it on someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

I have learned this over time and with experience...any answer other than "Yes" is usually a dressed up or wishy, washy "No".

cactusgal

miamee wrote: »

I have learned this over time and with experience...any answer other than "Yes" is usually a dressed up or wishy, washy "No".

Yep.

"I don't know" and "I'm confused" = No

Big Bag of Chips

OP, what are you taking from what people are saying to you? It can't be easy to hear especially when you so desperately want him to want you, and you want this relationship to work.

You asked for 'honest - advice please'. And I think many people have been very honest and even sharing their own experiences. The thread has, I think been unanimous that this isn't the relationship you want it to be. And I'm sure you didn't really want to hear that from everyone. So, what are you thinking now? How are you feeling? Do you feel any differently now than when you originally posted?

Hopeless romantic2016

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, what are you taking from what people are saying to you? It can't be easy to hear especially when you so desperately want him to want you, and you want this relationship to work.

You asked for 'honest - advice please'. And I think many people have been very honest and even sharing their own experiences. The thread has, I think been unanimous that this isn't the relationship you want it to be. And I'm sure you didn't really want to hear that from everyone. So, what are you thinking now? How are you feeling? Do you feel any differently now than when you originally posted?

I now feel like I am fighting a losing battle and it's all very hopeless.

The irony of all of this is I give people advice for a living- not relationship advice obviously.

Part of me wants to believe that none of these people known him or what he is going through but one thing for certain is life doesn't need to be this hard.

He keeps saying I will prove him right, in that I will do what I want to do and won't take his feelings into consideration. His big thing is that I don't listen to him or what he needs or wants.

When we were originally together I was quite difficult and everything was on my terms and I suppose it is because of that I feel like I owe him this time.

But this isn't my first post, he treated me appallingly when we broke up and I had tried to fix things and it was him who contacted me when I had moved on and stopped trying to fix things only to be stuck in this loop of tug of war.

He is in counselling for the way I treated him in the past and he has asked me to be patient.
I have no idea what to do at this point because of course I want to believe that he just needs time but i dont know anymore.

Big Bag of Chips

But maybe you two just aren't compatible, and no amount of counselling or time is going to fix that. It sounds like this relationship is just too much work, for both of you. And that's not the fault of just one person. It's not anyone's fault. As others have mentioned it shouldn't be like that. A relationship should just click. If it doesn't, we move on. He shouldn't have had to pursue you for a year because if it felt right you would have gotten with him quicker. He shouldn't have walked out on you after a few months of living together because if it was right the 'problems' either wouldn't have been an issue, or you would have been able to sort it out like couples do.

I think you're just not right for each other. You will both probably find someone much more suited to each other and you'll wonder why this relationship was so full of drama and why you both thought it was the way it was meant to be.

I think you need to wave goodbye to him. And you need to ignore all attempts to have a dig at you, or blame you and for him to prove he was right about you all along. But that doesn't matter. You two are clearly not right for each other. But that doesn't mean you won't be right for someone else.

Be brave, OP, and call it a day.

groovyg

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I honestly have no idea what we are in -


His behavior is erratic at times, hot and cold- I know he is in the final two months of his course and his mother is recovering from cancer so I really don't feel like he is actually taking any time to consider our relationship. It seems that he is just putting it on the back burner and hoping I will wait it out.

I don't know.

I know a girl who did this to her ex boyfriend, she was doing a post-grad programme and put him on the back burner thinking all would be hunky dory when the exams were over. Guess what happened when her course finished, he had moved on and told her to get lost.

You can't just put people on hold when you are stressed or have real life problems. Is he constantly going to remind you of how you treated him before because if he is then he's really not worth it. For your own sanity move on and cut him loose,
how long are you going to wait until he is ready to commit to a relationship?
He sounds like an immature idiot who wants to be with you when it suits him and seems to be still hung up on the way you treated him previously.

njs030

Did you treat him appalling? Are you sure there isn't some kind of emotional manipulation going on here?
I think most rational people looking from the outside would think he treated you quite badly by pursuing you and them ending the relationship fairly soon after you moved in together.
I remember your previous thread quite well as I was going through something similar and there was some serious red flags about his behavior. I won't say any more as its up to you to decide if you want to mention it in this thread.

One thing is for certain, there's never one right and one wrong party in a relationship breakdown and while he's happy to play the innocent party and hand you all the blame-and you're happy to accept it-nothing will change.

Teyla Emmagan

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote:

He is in counselling for the way I treated him in the past and he has asked me to be patient.

He is taking you for a ride OP and is using your guilt to string you along. And you're letting him. If he wanted to be with you at this stage he would give himself a kick up the h*le and move on. You have already invested too much in this relationship. Wipe the slate clean and start again with someone else. You have too much history with this guy and too much of it isn't good.

MonsterCookie

OP admits to having treated him badly but I'm not sure how that played out. Was it emotional or physical abuse? If so he could be struggling to overcome his feelings.

Hopeless romantic2016

MonsterCookie wrote: »

OP admits to having treated him badly but I'm not sure how that played out. Was it emotional or physical abuse? If so he could be struggling to overcome his feelings.

I was very insecure and possessive.
I made it practically impossible for him to go out with his friends as I would always argue with him because I wasn't comfortable that his previous ex was in their circle of friends.

He had a very close female friend whom he had been friends with since child hood and I was that insecure and jealous of their relationship that I used to argue with him whenever he would be meeting her for coffee to the point that I actually made him choose between his friend and me - which was all very immature appalling behavior.

I didn't make life easy for him at all. I was always questioning where he was and who he was with.

I was awful and I can't imagine from his perspective what that must have felt like.

It is for all the above reasons that I feel like I should be patient and that I feel like I should be more willing to forgive his erratic behavior.

He chose to come back to me and said we would need work, that we would have to take things slow and that I would need to be patient.

He claims he gave up so much of himself in our last relationship that he feels betrayed and it will take time for us to rebuild trust.

He also admits that's why he treated me so badly when we broke up because he was so angry for having compromised so much of who he was as a person for me and that nothing he ever did was good enough.

That's why I am so conflicted here because I know how much I hurt him and I don't know what to do here because I do love him very much and I wasn't very good to him when we were together.

dellas1979

Youre taking responsibility for like...everything...your issues, his issues, the relationship's issues. You must be exhausted.

You made a mistake in a relationship. You were aware and fixed your own issues. Youve apologised to him.

The only good way to get back with an ex is when both parties have mulled over everything and are happy to get back together and move on. It would essentially be a new relationship.

I am not getting any of that from your posts. He hasnt move on. Or is telling you that. He has his own issues to work on. On his own. Like you did. You cannot make that right by clinging on.

I would suggest to take what youve learned and apply it to a fresh, new potential relationship. And not pursuing someone, half out of guilt.

How it is now, how he is, and how he is treating you (for whatever reason) is not a recipe for a healthy relationship. And I think above all, and what youve learned, you would like this for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

Look OP, people here can go around in circles advising you, you can go around in circles justifying all the bad behaviour, but the fact is even after you treated him how you did, he still chose to stay with you. Why didn't he just tell you to piss off? He eventually left, so why bother coming back? If he wants to be in a relationship with you he draws a line under it and moves on. If he's not sure if he can do that, then he draws a line under the relationship and moves on. Either way this has been dragged on now for years. It's not actually getting any better and it's not going anywhere fast.

I don't think you will take notice of all the warning signs. Things your gut is telling you. Things your friends are telling you. Things posters here are telling you. It all points to this being a sht relationship, but if you think that's the best you can do for yourself, then nobody can convince you otherwise. I just think it's sad that a young woman is going to waste so much of her life waiting for something that will never come.

batmanrobin

OP, he's the one who got in touch with you? If that's the case it should have been without any of this "prove" yourself nonsense. He should have gotten in touch with the intention of drawing a line under the past, starting afresh, and being together in a relationship. You could still take things slowly within a relationship.

Instead, you have a situation where 7 months later you're still expected to hang around, not see other people, entertain him when he wants you, and don't annoy him when he doesn't want you? That about right?

A simple text telling him you are no longer interested will do you the world of good, then block and delete. Don't give him the option of getting in touch. He's happy to waste your time, upset you, and blame you for everything. Kick him to the curb!

Any issues you might have had do not warrant this treatment.

Vela

When you care about someone, it's easy to confuse what you want to happen with what *is* happening. It's tough, and I get that. But this whole scenario is a powerplay. He's simply keeping you on a leash and wasting your time.

Adult relationships don't happen like this. Ever.

LegacyUser

It is a horrible possition to be in. I was in a similar position to you with a man.

Like you I though if I made changes he would be happy. I though giving him some time to deal with a few things going on in his life then was a good thing. Every thing that was wrong between us I though and accepeted was my fault. I made some positive changes to my life and even then he had not even the decency to tell me how well I looked.
My friends told me - he is no good for you, he is just using you and I stood up for him.
He was blowing hot and cold with me for a good period of time.

During one of the cold periods I sent him an email and told him that one of family members had cancer and was going to be treated in a hospital close to where this man lived. He never even sent me as much as a text message to see how I was or how my family member was doing.

After this I realised that everything was about him and what he wanted. He was well able to tell me all of the things that were wrong in my life but was totally unwilling to listen to or make changes to his own life. The advice I give to him was ignored and as a result he now has a life long health condition.

After all this happend I realised that I was better off on my own than being with someone blowing hot and cold. I deserved better than being with someone who was just using me until in his mind something better came along. The truth was I wasted time on him when I could have gone off and found someone better.

My life has got better since then as I made a few changes and I have plans made from now to the end of the year. Meanwhile I heard a few things recently about this man. His life has become a total mess due to a lot of bad decisions he made so I had a lucky escape not getting into a proper realationship with him.

I won't say it was easy to walk away. You need to do the same. You deserve better than you getting from him at moment. I proved that hanging in their, thinking things are going to get better is just wasting time. At this stage your 30 so you have to think where do you want to be in 5 years time? If you want to get into a proper reationship, get married/have kids you need to consider this now and don't be wasting time when you could be with decent man.

Jurgen Klopp

To be honest from what you've said he's just trying to harm you like you did him.

Honestly i think it's best let it go. I don't think he'll be able to get past what you did to him and thus he won't be able to have a normal relationship with you

I'm not attacking him either if i had a whiff of what you done from a gf she'd be gone and there would be no "talking"

I just think he'll never be able to see you in any other way bar how you emotional abused him.

With all that water under the bridge, ye just ain't gonna work.

Jurgen Klopp

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

To be honest from what you've said he's just trying to harm you like you did him.

I have to say that occurred to me too, it's starting to feel like some kind of revenge plot.