Is this a reasonable request to ask of a partner

LegacyUser

I'm just wondering is it reasonable of me to ask my girlfriend to send me a text when she gets home after a night out to say she's home safe. Nothing else just that she's home ok?
There's nothing else sinister to this or anything, just from yere experience is it weird or controlling or anything I'm not aware of? Thanks for the help in advance

Mr. Incognito

Ask = Sweet

Insist= Controlling

whiskeyman

Of course!
Very caring.
I always did it.
Nice to keep in touch and wish her goodnight also and thanks again for lovely evening.

amcalester

Are these nights that you're out together or is she out with her friends?

baby and crumble

I think it's fair enough. Even when I was just living with mates I'd text them to let them know I wasn't coming home so no one worried about me.

Don't insist on it if she doesn't want to do it- and bear in mind that she might easily forget if she's had a few drinks and she's not used to doing it.

eviltwin

Depends. It's nice to know someone is home safe but why are you so worried in the first place? Unless she's walking home alone chances are she will be fine. It's not healthy for you to be worrying like that. What if she forgets or her phone goes dead or she doesn't text when you expect it, are you going to be panicking, thinking the worst etc. It's nice to get a text but unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one every time she's out.

JustAThought

amcalester wrote: »

Are these nights that you're out together or is she out with her friends?

Tbh its nice, but bit controlleyish. That you are having a row over it meNs she probably thinks it is a bit unnecessary, or a bit contrillyish. Sometimes my mate insists I do it & if I forget by the time I get up I've had half a dozen missed calls. I lts nice of them to care but what are they going to do? Ring the police and say I was drunk & not home yet? To report me - an adult - as missing the police need 25 hours and probably a family mber or parents. Are you going to drive the roads looking for an unconscious body and possibly miss her in the dark? Are you staying up wondering if she is in yet or wanting to talk
To her as she is buzzing with her night out - asking where she was and who was there aNd what she was doing? If she needs help she will ring you. Otherwise you're just another chain to navigate with a few pints or glasses if red wine in her that delivers a problem if you forget in your fog or the nighs giddiness. she knows you love her & will help her if she calls. Leave it at that.

D0NNELLY

It's only ok if she thinks it's ok.
It's irrelevant what you or any of us think.

bee06

JustAThought wrote: »

Tbh its nice, but bit controlleyish. That you are having a row over it meNs she probably thinks it is a bit unnecessary, or a bit contrillyish. Sometimes my mate insists I do it & if I forget by the time I get up I've had half a dozen missed calls. I lts nice of them to care but what are they going to do? Ring the police and say I was drunk & not home yet? To report me - an adult - as missing the police need 25 hours and probably a family mber or parents. Are you going to drive the roads looking for an unconscious body and possibly miss her in the dark? Are you staying up wondering if she is in yet or wanting to talk
To her as she is buzzing with her night out - asking where she was and who was there aNd what she was doing? If she needs help she will ring you. Otherwise you're just another chain to navigate with a few pints or glasses if red wine in her that delivers a problem if you forget in your fog or the nighs giddiness. she knows you love her & will help her if she calls. Leave it at that.

Why do you think they are having a row over it? Maybe he's getting other people's opinions before he asks.

OP, my husband would alway ask me to text him if I was out before we lived together to make sure I got home OK. We both still text each other after a night out if we were away on a hen / stag so the other person knew we were "home" safe.

ziggyman17

I text my wife every morning when we are both on our way to work, even though we only kissed each other goodbye about 30 minutes before hand, and she will send me a text on her lunch break and then she will text me when she is on the bus home................

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

GingerLily

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I text my wife every morning when we are both on our way to work, even though we only kissed each other goodbye about 30 minutes before hand, and she will send me a text on her lunch break and then she will text me when she is on the bus home................

To me that would be overkill, and I'm the over sharer in my relationship! But each couple is different, I guess you need to figure out what works for everyone involved.

ziggyman17

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I text my wife every morning when we are both on our way to work, even though we only kissed each other goodbye about 30 minutes before hand, and she will send me a text on her lunch break and then she will text me when she is on the bus home................

Not normal behaviour IMHO.

OP, ask if she wouldn't mind texting you on those times you're out together.

If she's out with other friends, ask her to make sure she checks in with one of them on those nights, so they all know they're home safe and sound.

Mission accomplished.

eviltwin

Patww79 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Each to their own but I don't have time to be texting home every time I get to where I'm going and I'd hate to feel its expected. I don't think it's healthy personally to have to check in or to be on alert waiting for a message. Things can happen but if someone doesn't get back to you its probably because they got delayed rather than anything nefarious.

LegacyUser

amcalester wrote: »

Are these nights that you're out together or is she out with her friends?

OP here, when she is out with her friends. Just so you know, I don't ask what she gets up to or anything like that whatsoever its just to know shes home ok

LegacyUser

To be perfectly honest the only reason I ask for a text to know shes home safe; Is because of a few incidents with friends and a previous partner.
I have had 2 friends roofied on nights out, one of which it didn't end well, the other I ended up in A&E with her. The other reason is a previous girlfriend of mine was raped on a night out (before I met her).

I am a very easy going person with everything but I'm trying to see how it is unreasonable to ask for such a thing. I do the same thing when I am on a night out and always have. Maybe I got used to doing it with my ex?

I see some posters getting at the notion that I am trying to find out what she was doing or who she was with -> that's absolute nonsense and I don't and wouldnt put up with someone who was like that at all.

leggo

I get anxiety when I'm with a girl and they travel home at night where there's any walking or getting a taxi and I don't hear from them afterwards (if they're driving or getting picked up there's no real reason to worry as it'd be a freak accident then). An ex used to use this against me, it was horrible, because I do genuinely worry. I used to have to see if she'd logged in on Whatsapp to know she was alright (long story, I had reasons).

I'd never insist, mind, but after that ex I also probably wouldn't get with someone who wouldn't give me that common courtesy either.

If they're out with mates or family, no, that's their business and I'll hear about it when I see them. That's when it becomes controlling IMO: when it's about you needing to know where they are at all times.

amcalester

KerryOsam wrote: »

OP here, when she is out with her friends. Just so you know, I don't ask what she gets up to or anything like that whatsoever its just to know shes home ok

I understand that and wasn't suggesting that you were being controlling but that's how it may seem.

Someone above made a good suggestion of asking her to text a friend she was out with.

Dial Hard

I'd find it a bit weird if it was expected of me, tbh.

Do you do the same when you're out without her?

woodchuck

OP what would you do if she said she'd text you, but she didn't? Would you be up all night worrying? Call the police? Realistically, if something happens, there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

While it might seem like a reasonable request to some, personally I would find it controlling. If I'm on a night out, I'm out to have fun and don't want to feel obligated to "check in" at some point.

retro:electro

If it's something that will put your mind at ease then I don't see how it's any skin off her nose to do it, is she refusing it do it?
I'd usually text my bf I get to my destination safely, doubt he'd even notice if I didn't, just a habit more than anything.

MrDublinGuide

It's not weird.far from it.It's caring.

Tokyo

Much depends on situation and how/why the request was made. For example, if I'm out late in a group and people are drifting home alone, I'll often tell my female friends "drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe". (solo female taxi passengers getting harassed is a small, but real risk where I live.) None of my friends have ever had an issue with it, and most are grateful for the concern.

There 's a difference though between:

A: I'm going home alone.
B: Ok. Drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe.

and

A: I'll be home at 10.
B: Ok. Text me when you get back so I know you're home at 10.

The examples I give are at somewhat extremes to each other, the point I'm making is it can be reasonable, and it can be controlling.

If you are doing it out of concern for safety, and she's interpreting it otherwise, then it might be worth having a chat with her as to why she doesn't like it. You mention that you ask her to text due to past experiences with friends - maybe she's had past experience with a controlling parent or boyfriend, who insisted that she keep them apprised of where she was all the time. Ultimately you can't make her text you, but at least you might get an answer.

Eimee90

My boyfriend always asks me to do so when im travelling alone, even if ive done it a thousand times before. To be honest i love that about him, and i feel safe

osarusan

There is (or was) an app for Android called Buzzer which uses GPS to determine arrival at pre-programmed locations and then trigger automatic messages. If that app has bit the dust, I'm sure there are other similar apps.

I don't know if its something you'd be interested in. In some ways it's easier (no forgetting and maybe subsequent worry/arguing) but maybe it's too invasive.

MrDublinGuide

mike_ie wrote: »

Much depends on situation and how/why the request was made. For example, if I'm out late in a group and people are drifting home alone, I'll often tell my female friends "drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe". (solo female taxi passengers getting harassed is a small, but real risk where I live.) None of my friends have ever had an issue with it, and most are grateful for the concern.

There 's a difference though between:

A: I'm going home alone.
B: Ok. Drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe.

and

A: I'll be home at 10.
B: Ok. Text me when you get back so I know you're home at 10.

The examples I give are at somewhat extremes to each other, the point I'm making is it can be reasonable, and it can be controlling.

If you are doing it out of concern for safety, and she's interpreting it otherwise, then it might be worth having a chat with her as to why she doesn't like it. You mention that you ask her to text due to past experiences with friends - maybe she's had past experience with a controlling parent or boyfriend, who insisted that she keep them apprised of where she was all the time. Ultimately you can't make her text you, but at least you might get an answer.

What a perfect explanation well done

JustAThought

MrDublinGuide wrote: »

What a perfect explanation well done

Or not. My heart freezes when I read these. Tracking your GF with an app. Texting her friends? Insisting she text you when she has said she dosn't want to. The girl wants to be left alone; and NOT to be notifying her current boyfriend of where she is, umplied what she is doing; how late she is out & who ahe is with ' just in case he wants to text them instead'. OP. What is it about NO that causes ambiguity for you? And covering it up with tracker apps, GPS buzzers and adding harassing her friends only does make it worse. At this rate of controlling & refusing to accept her wishes I guess you can soon expect to be an ex.

LegacyUser

JustAThought wrote: »

Or not. My heart freezes when I read these. Tracking your GF with an app. Texting her friends? Insisting she text you when she has said she dosn't want to. The girl wants to be left alone; and NOT to be notifying her current boyfriend of where she is, umplied what she is doing; how late she is out & who ahe is with ' just in case he wants to text them instead'. OP. What is it about NO that causes ambiguity for you? And covering it up with tracker apps, GPS buzzers and adding harassing her friends only does make it worse. At this rate of controlling & refusing to accept her wishes I guess you can soon expect to be an ex.

Hold the phone right now. I never ever suggested a bloody app where in the name of god did you get that from? Where are you getting this NO from? She never said no? Infact she thinks it's ok. It me that's questioning it? You seem to have some deep rooted issues theRe, they are not related to this issue at all.

timmy880

Completely depends on the type of relationship ye have. If it's something that ye do after nights out then its just a caring reminder. I would always say it to my partner before we started living together but it's something we do anyway! It's nice to know they got home safe.

But if ye just never do it and then all of a sudden you start saying it then it could come across as suspicious. You're post is a bit too vague to judge at the moment but I assume since you've created a thread on it that it has caused an issue with your partner.

Rachiee

I think its reasonable request but if someone asked me to do it i wouldnt. i have a few friends who ask it of me as far as im concerned if im kidnapped and murdered they'll find out the next day, i feel its silly to be concerned and dont want to encourage their sillyness so flat refuse but then im not in a relationship with them so maybe if I was and it seemed important to them i would. But again only if i had been out with them not others.
Incidentally i never text me family to tell them ive landed if im on holiday, none of us do agaim if theres a crash it'll be on the news.

whoopsadoodles

Not an unreasonable thing to ask, no. I wouldn't be waiting up for the text but would know when I woke that all is good. I have no issue doing it.

I used to ask that I got a text if he wasn't coming home. Nothing at all controlling. I don't have a controlling bone in my body for stuff like that but it was nice to know if I woke at 6 and he wasn't home that he wasn't dead. I wouldn't hear from him again except when he inevitability rang for a lift

LegacyUser

KerryOsam wrote: »

Hold the phone right now. I never ever suggested a bloody app where in the name of god did you get that from? Where are you getting this NO from? She never said no? Infact she thinks it's ok. It me that's questioning it? You seem to have some deep rooted issues theRe, they are not related to this issue at all.

A poster in the thread made people aware of an app related to this issue and that's what the poster you quoted was addressing. And the idea that this was a source of conflict between you and your girlfriend comes from the wording of your OP. You also didn't dispel that idea as it took hold in the thread.

sbsquarepants

KerryOsam wrote: »

I'm just wondering is it reasonable of me to ask my girlfriend to send me a text when she gets home after a night out to say she's home safe. Nothing else just that she's home ok?
There's nothing else sinister to this or anything, just from yere experience is it weird or controlling or anything I'm not aware of? Thanks for the help in advance

It's reasonable enough - but from my own personal experience it's caused me no end of trouble. Before we lived together the missus would always say the same to me - let me know when you get home - I'd swear blind I would, then go out get drunk and forget all about it, cue a big row the following morning!
Must have happened 50 times. Be prepared:)

KerryOsam

KerryOsam wrote: »

I ask for a text to know shes home safe;

I am a very easy going person with everything but I'm trying to see how it is unreasonable to ask for such a thing. I do the same thing when I am on a night out and always have

KerryOsam wrote: »

She never said no? Infact she thinks it's ok. It me that's questioning it?

So what's the problem. Why are YOU questioning it if both of you are OK with it?

neonsofa

Imo it is whatever the couple agree on/are comfortable with.

I had a partner who insisted on texts to "check I was safe". He would also collect me from my dinner with friends on his way home from work "so I didn't have to go home alone". He'd ring me the morning after "to catch up and see how it went". All seemed like lovely thoughtful things to my friends. In actual fact the text was to make sure I wasn't out late, the lift was to make sure I came home at a reasonable hour (9pm, had barely finished dinner). The call in the morning was where he would ask every single detail- did I dance (wasnt allowed), did any men come over etc. He was such an abusive controlling partner and it all started out with small things dressed up as concern. And in a way I think he thought his concerns were valid albeit not for my safety but moreso for his security in the relationship if that makes sense.

Not for a second saying this is what is happening here but I would have a problem with partners now if they insisted on it. Requesting a text when he knows I might be coming home alone late at night-grand no bother. Saying that after every night out I must send a text when I'm home- I'd think it's unnecessary and would say as much. If he insisted after me saying no then it would ring alarm bells. So it all comes down to what the couple agree on.

eviltwin

If texting is your thing and you are both okay with it then it's not a problem. It's only a problem if one person feels that checking in is a violation of their privacy. Then it's getting into murky territory.

It's understandable the OP is anxious given past experiences of his partners but don't let that anxiety control you. It's not healthy to worry all the time. You need to let it go and be able to enjoy your own time without constantly worrying about her.

amtc

I text my dad to let him know I'm home and he texts me....we are both living alone at moment. If out will always text mates to check home. I would consider this normal. As do they.

Dr Crayfish

Is it's causing you worry then just don't ask for it, leave her to it. She's not going to die or f*ck someone if you don't get a text. Or maybe she will but you can't be worrying about these things. Contrary to popular belief women aren't constantly running a gauntlet of sex offenders and murderers.

osarusan

JustAThought wrote: »

Or not. My heart freezes when I read these. Tracking your GF with an app. Texting her friends? Insisting she text you when she has said she dosn't want to. The girl wants to be left alone; and NOT to be notifying her current boyfriend of where she is, umplied what she is doing; how late she is out & who ahe is with ' just in case he wants to text them instead'. OP. What is it about NO that causes ambiguity for you? And covering it up with tracker apps, GPS buzzers and adding harassing her friends only does make it worse. At this rate of controlling & refusing to accept her wishes I guess you can soon expect to be an ex.

I think this was meant to quote my post, but I don't know where you got the rest of the stuff you seem to just have made up.

The app isn't a tracker app. It doesn't track movements. You programme it to recognise a location (in this case 'home') and when the phone reaches the location, a message is automatically sent to a chosen contact. That's it.

As somebody else said, the only opinion that really matters is the OP's partner. If they don't like the idea of sending texts and think it's invasive or controlling, they're certainly not going to like the idea of an app that does it for them.

But if they have no problem with the idea but are just worried they would forget to send texts sometimes, they might think it's useful.

blacklilly

neonsofa wrote: »

Imo it is whatever the couple agree on/are comfortable with.

I had a partner who insisted on texts to "check I was safe". He would also collect me from my dinner with friends on his way home from work "so I didn't have to go home alone". He'd ring me the morning after "to catch up and see how it went". All seemed like lovely thoughtful things to my friends. In actual fact the text was to make sure I wasn't out late, the lift was to make sure I came home at a reasonable hour (9pm, had barely finished dinner). The call in the morning was where he would ask every single detail- did I dance (wasnt allowed), did any men come over etc. He was such an abusive controlling partner and it all started out with small things dressed up as concern. And in a way I think he thought his concerns were valid albeit not for my safety but moreso for his security in the relationship if that makes sense.

If we didn't go out with the same man it scares me that there are more than one of them!

Emme

I think it's reasonable to check if somebody got home after a night out. If she is leaving your place ask her to send you a short text to to say she got in safely. And if you're leaving her place you should let her know you got home safely.

This isn't controlling, it's caring. Controlling defines the guy who stood outside the ladies toilet in Bruxelles waiting for me because I had been away from him for 15 minutes.

If she's on nights out with friends and you want to know if she gets home safe it's up to her. If she tells you she's going out with friends there's no harm in asking would she mind letting you know she got home safe. Leave it up to her. If she doesn't tell you she's going out with friends you don't know so you can't ask.

I don't recommend using apps to check up on anybody unless they're children under 18.

blacklilly

Emme wrote: »

This isn't controlling, it's caring. Controlling defines the guy who stood outside the ladies toilet in Bruxelles waiting for me because I had been away from him for 15 minutes.

I don't think it's fair for you to use your definition of what is controlling to argue whether some other action is/isn't.

If the OP's GF is not happy with his request, it is quite probably that she feels it is controlling/over bearing behavior.

zoobizoo

Reminds me of when I lived at home and my mother wanted me to call to let her know if I wasn't going to be home that night.

Invariably, I wouldn't call because by that time, it was late and I didn't want to wake her - or I was out enjoying myself and wouldn't remember to.

She'd get into a strop because "the front door was unlocked". Had she known I'd stay out, she'd have put the chain lock on the front door even though the alarm was on and the main chubb lock was locked.

It was down to her fear (someone will break in) .... a slightly irrational fear seeing as the lock was on, the alarm was on and the house had never been targeted before. She's a natural worrier

Does this all come down to your worry and anxiety?

What are the chances of anything happening to her and ......... what are you going to do if you don't get a text? That's surely going to cause more worry. If you call/text and she doesn't answer, your mind will start thinking of all the possibilities... you'll keep calling and texting her phone..... and she'll wake up seeing the missed calls and texts. I've seen friends with 20/30 missed calls after a night out... it comes across as over the top.



I wouldn't ask my wife to contact me if she was out and I never asked any girlfriend to do it because I believe that they will be safe.

neonsofa

blacklilly wrote: »

I don't think it's fair for you to use your definition of what is controlling to argue whether some other action is/isn't.

If the OP's GF is not happy with his request, it is quite probably that she feels it is controlling/over bearing behavior.

Exactly BL.
Also it is not really the one action/request that is controlling per se, it is the context in which it is requested. If he constantly asks for text messages then it will be one request too many, if it is one request that she is happy to do then it obviously isn't controlling. We cannot say something definitively is or isn't controlling- like in my post earlier, everybody thought my ex was a lovely caring guy, he was actually a manipulative controlling abuser. It is what the couple deem acceptable, not anybody else.

freshpopcorn

I was actually watching crimecall last night and the Gardai are running a campaign from the start of March and it's aimed at at people up to the age of 39 because these people are mostly likely to get attacked/robbed and apart from planning your journey\transport they advised to let somebody know that your home safe via text\etc.
So in all honest I don't think your being totally unreasonable.

dar100

JayZeus wrote: »

Not normal behaviour IMHO.

OP, ask if she wouldn't mind texting you on those times you're out together.

If she's out with other friends, ask her to make sure she checks in with one of them on those nights, so they all know they're home safe and sound.

Mission accomplished.

Myself and wife text on adverage about every hour or so when we are in work, away from each other!! To call it not normal is stupid!! We love to keep each other updated on our day etc

Redser87

If she lives alone I definitely think this is caring and sensible - but only if she also thinks so. If she lives with others they would probably be in a better position to look out for her.

eviltwin

dar100 wrote: »

Myself and wife text on adverage about every hour or so when we are in work, away from each other!! To call it not normal is stupid!! We love to keep each other updated on our day etc

That's chatting though it's different. I'm sure if you didn't hear back from your wife for a couple of hours you wouldn't be in a panic that's she's in trouble. Context is important here.

leggo

On apps: I was listening to a radio show before where the host was saying his wife was an awful woman for saying she was five minutes away when she was an hour away and, as a result, he'd be left waiting for her sometimes when he wouldn't have minded her being late if he'd have just known, so he'd have gone in for a pint or looking around shops instead of just standing there. Having gone out with women who had similar concepts of time, and being a punctual person myself, I totally get it. It's a total melt. So they both downloaded an app where they could track each other's location so she didn't need to say how long she'd be and he'd know to wait around or not, and said they both found it a dream (they're husband and wife in a trusting relationship so what was there to hide, after all?)

That'd be my ideal. When I'm with someone, I don't care where they are or what they're doing because I wouldn't be with them to begin with if I didn't trust them, but stuff like that does take away the needing to text and that crap that can go wrong and really wind people up for legitimate reasons.

I think it's just people's insecurities and bad experiences with controlling people - that are very real - that lead them to then project stuff like this as a problem, when in truth when used correctly apps like this can be a godsend to certain relationships! So don't blame the app or technology, blame the people that misuse it and cause issues like this to begin with.

To make sense of it as it pertains towards the OP: every relationship is different and each person has their own hang-ups. Little things like this can make or break relationships, because that's the practical reality of it after the initial infatuation period wears off, so incompatibilities should be noted and taken seriously. You're probably not wrong for your reasons in wanting to know your partner got home okay, and your partner likely isn't wrong in not wanting to feel obliged to let you know, but on this issue you're just not compatible. I'm not saying break-up with them over it, but acknowledge that you're different at the very least and try find a middle ground or at least have a conversation about those differences and why they're occurring.

bilbot79

It might be controlling, might not. Which is it?

professore

leggo wrote: »

On apps: I was listening to a radio show before where the host was saying his wife was an awful woman for saying she was five minutes away when she was an hour away and, as a result, he'd be left waiting for her sometimes when he wouldn't have minded her being late if he'd have just known, so he'd have gone in for a pint or looking around shops instead of just standing there. Having gone out with women who had similar concepts of time, and being a punctual person myself, I totally get it. It's a total melt. So they both downloaded an app where they could track each other's location so she didn't need to say how long she'd be and he'd know to wait around or not, and said they both found it a dream (they're husband and wife in a trusting relationship so what was there to hide, after all?)

That'd be my ideal. When I'm with someone, I don't care where they are or what they're doing because I wouldn't be with them to begin with if I didn't trust them, but stuff like that does take away the needing to text and that crap that can go wrong and really wind people up for legitimate reasons.

I think it's just people's insecurities and bad experiences with controlling people - that are very real - that lead them to then project stuff like this as a problem, when in truth when used correctly apps like this can be a godsend to certain relationships! So don't blame the app or technology, blame the people that misuse it and cause issues like this to begin with.

To make sense of it as it pertains towards the OP: every relationship is different and each person has their own hang-ups. Little things like this can make or break relationships, because that's the practical reality of it after the initial infatuation period wears off, so incompatibilities should be noted and taken seriously. You're probably not wrong for your reasons in wanting to know your partner got home okay, and your partner likely isn't wrong in not wanting to feel obliged to let you know, but on this issue you're just not compatible. I'm not saying break-up with them over it, but acknowledge that you're different at the very least and try find a middle ground or at least have a conversation about those differences and why they're occurring.

That would be my idea of hell. My wife was the one asking me to text when I arrived at the pub, before I left, I had to tell her what time I'd be home, if it was going to be late I'd have to call etc etc. Completely ruined my nights out as I was a ball of nerves trying to remember to do all those things, and stopped going out altogether.

When she went out I made no such demands.

I woke up several years ago and just told her it was not on, and she just had to get used to the idea that if I went out, I might not contact her at all, and if I didn't, it wasn't the end of the world - that it ruined my enjoyment completely. Ever since things have been better all round.