Bad marriage problems.

Lifeistough

Hello all. I have never done anything like this before so here goes. I am a married guy. Have been so for the last 22years. As in all marriages I guess it starts out ok. But there was always something in the back of my mind that was not sitting right with me. We had been going out for 4 years before we married. Looking back I suppose I should have seen it. This is after we got married Only small things but she always seemed to win out with them. I am not one for confrontations. It may have been something I wanted to do but would have been gently advised against it. And that progressed through the years only I was advised to stand down on bigger issues as well. Unfortunately I never stood up for my self and let it continue. We have 5 lovely children. And I can't fault her for how she brought them up. But I am now at the stage where I am at a crossroads. I dislike the woman. I have moved into another room in the house. . I have told her I need space and have got serious verbal abuse for standing up to her. I have been given a job promotion which involves moving to an office 70 miles from home. . So been as I want to use this as an excuse to finally leave her I would appreciate some feedback here. Maybe male and female. Have some of ye been through this. I don't know how to approach her with this out of the blue news. But I just want out. Any help will be appreciated. As I said I have never told anyone about this only suffered in silence

Xterminator

Hi OP

i have to say, i understand why you are unhappy. thats completely understandable.

however as consenting adults you have the marriage you created, you have brought has 5 children into the mix, you are talking about leaving ? As a 1st step ? would you not consider counselling before throwing in the towel on a 26 year relationship?

you suffered in silence for years, but this doesn't help the relationship. as such, you are at fault (for where the relationship has ended up ) here equally in my opinion. If you are not happy and you dislike your partner, i doubt she feels emotionally fulfilled either.

OP you dont anywhere in your post acknowledge the hurt breaking up could cause to your wife or children. the financial or emotional impact. Even if you do end up leaving, wouldn't it be best to attempt to do so in good terms?

i think you need to take a stpe back from your unhappy state of mind, and consider the impact of your actions on everyone in the family.

Nichololas

Xterminator wrote: »

OP you dont anywhere in your post acknowledge the hurt breaking up could cause to your wife or children. the financial or emotional impact. Even if you do end up leaving, wouldn't it be best to attempt to do so in good terms?

i think you need to take a stpe back from your unhappy state of mind, and consider the impact of your actions on everyone in the family.

Staying in an unhappy marriage because of the emotional impact a separation would have on the kids, doesn't necessarily do the kids any favours - I'm saying this as the child of a separated couple who did exactly that, for too long. While there was anger and emotional turbulence when they separated, ultimately it was far better to see them as happy, separate people than as a perfunctory, love-less couple. We do model our own relationships after our parents to a large degree, after all.

OP, you should definitely talk to a solicitor ASAP. You should also give couples counseling an honest shot, it may jog a few things clear and - who knows - maybe completely save your marriage. Good luck!

Lifeistough

Nichololas wrote: »

Staying in an unhappy marriage because of the emotional impact a separation would have on the kids, doesn't necessarily do the kids any favours - I'm saying this as the child of a separated couple who did exactly that, for too long. While there was anger and emotional turbulence when they separated, ultimately it was far better to see them as happy, separate people than as a perfunctory, love-less couple. We do model our own relationships after our parents to a large degree, after all.

OP, you should definitely talk to a solicitor ASAP. You should also give couples counseling an honest shot, it may jog a few things clear and - who knows - maybe completely save your marriage. Good luck!

Thank ye both for input. Firstly there is no financial problems to deal with. . I want nothing from her. She can have everything. All I want is to be happy and free from the he'll I have to put up with . I don't have a problem telling her that I will be living close to my new job. In fact I will enjoy it. I don't have any feelings for the woman anymore. This is all her own doing. Also our kids are very happy and have never witnessed her abuse of me. So I know they will be ok. May I add its all verbal. But I have had enough. The woman deserves to be alone.

Colser

Lifeistough wrote: »

Thank ye both for input. Firstly there is no financial problems to deal with. . I want nothing from her. She can have everything. All I want is to be happy and free from the he'll I have to put up with . I don't have a problem telling her that I will be living close to my new job. In fact I will enjoy it. I don't have any feelings for the woman anymore. This is all her own doing. Also our kids are very happy and have never witnessed her abuse of me. So I know they will be ok. May I add its all verbal. But I have had enough. The woman deserves to be alone.

How long has she been like this OP?Has she many friends,does she work outside the home?Not disputing how you feel at all but wondering is she resentful that you have a job and life and she might be left with the children and housework and she's lashing out verbally due to this?

I do agree that a couple are better off apart even with children involved if one or both feel like you and there's no chance of getting back on track.

Lifeistough

Rereg wrote: »

Trollish.

But to be honest. I actually don't want anything. I just want peace. And no more verbal abuse. She is welcome to the house and I have no problem providing financially for her.

Lifeistough

Rereg wrote: »

Trollish.

Yes I can see why you would think that. . Give the bitch nothing for the way she threatened me. Actually I don't do stress. I have felt a lovely calm come over me since I made my decision. I have thought hard about this and I just want to get away from all the nastiness. . it will give me great pleasure walking away from her

The Princess Bride

Everyone deserves to be happy.
I left a long marriage after some unhappy years.

You know what?
Life goes on.
Your children will live their own lives and your wife will too.
People will gossip, some will be shocked but ultimately only you can live your life.

And there are too many couples going through the motions while inside they're dying.

Best of luck.

There's good advice here.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1533

Lifeistough

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Everyone deserves to be happy.
I left a long marriage after some unhappy years.

You know what?
Life goes on.
Your children will live their own lives and your wife will too.
People will gossip, some will be shocked but ultimately only you can live your life.

And there are too many couples going through the motions while inside they're dying.

Best of luck.

Thank you princess. Totally agree with you. Well I'm not bothered about the talk or gossip. I feel sorry for the ones that are trapped in a bad relationship and can or won't do anything about ut

LegacyUser

I can't see any bad behaviour in there apart from you saying you got verbal abuse for standing up for yourself. That would be unacceptable generally, but you don't say what standing up for yourself consisted of, how you went about it, what the verbal abuse was, or any context to it. If you made some off the wall decision, upset your children, squared up to her and frightened her, or anything like that, I'd expect some swearing in response, so your lack of description tells us nothing.
What were you gently advised against? Maybe your intentions were off the wall and that gentle advise was totally sound. You also don't say who gave you the gentle advise. You also haven't said what the issues were before you got married that you feel you ignored.

It's easy for people to say end it and often they'd be right, but you could be about to lose your home, access to your kids, your whole life, as well as affecting the lives of 6 other people in the house and lots of people close to your family, when there may be no need for any of that and a couple of sessions of counselling could change everything.

Do you have any actual examples of what has brought you to feel this was about your wife?

Nichololas

Nichololas wrote: »

you should definitely talk to a solicitor ASAP.

Lifeistough wrote: »

I want nothing from her. She can have everything. All I want is to be happy and free from the he'll I have to put up with.

While I understand you're on a high having made this decision, this is a very careless attitude. Will you be happy living in a crappy bedsit with no spare cash? Or with having your access to your children dictated by her?

My advice to you would be to cool off a bit. You have a great opportunity to separate from her unofficially under the guise of your promotion. So proceed as if this is the case, spend some time away, think long and hard about things.

Above all, keep your powder dry. You are dealing with someone who thinks they have the upper hand and doesn't like being told what to do, I would imagine someone like that could come out fighting.

Dial Hard

Deleted User wrote:

While I understand you're on a high having made this decision, this is a very careless attitude. Will you be happy living in a crappy bedsit with no spare cash? Or with having your access to your children dictated by her?

Exactly. Only this week both the Times and the Indo carried the same story from a chap who gave his wife everything in his keenness to get away from her and is now seriously regretting it because of the example he's potentially setting for his own children.

GingerLily

You don't seem concerned about looking after your own children, 70 miles is too far to be an active father. I think your being rather selfish about this. I'm not suggesting to stay in your marriage by the way but your priority should be your children and it clearly isn't.

groovyg

GingerLily wrote: »

You don't seem concerned about looking after your own children, 70 miles is too far to be an active father. I think your being rather selfish about this. I'm not suggesting to stay in your marriage by the way but your priority should be your children and it clearly isn't.

I'm working with colleagues married with kids whose commute is more than 70miles each day and back, they are leaving at 6 in the morning and back late in the evening. Its a reality for alot of couples out there.
He could take the promotion, move out, live in the area and commute that way he is close to the kids but commuting will suck the life after a while.

It really depends on the custody arrangement that is put in place if they separate.

Lifeistough

[Ok. I appreciate the last few posts. Quiet interesting and I appreciate them greatly. So later on I will sit down and answer as many questions as possible and give some examples of what I have to put up with.

Gavinz

If the genders were reversed then the majority of advice would be leave him.

OP, life is too short.

If you're unhappy, then just get out.

You don't want to still be having this internal conversation ten years down the road.

The children will be alright.

GingerLily

groovyg wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

You don't seem concerned about looking after your own children, 70 miles is too far to be an active father. I think your being rather selfish about this. I'm not suggesting to stay in your marriage by the way but your priority should be your children and it clearly isn't.

I'm working with colleagues married with kids whose commute is more than 70miles each day and back, they are leaving at 6 in the morning and back late in the evening. Its a reality for alot of couples out there.
He could take the promotion, move out, live in the area and commute that way he is close to the kids but commuting will suck the life after a while.

It really depends on the custody arrangement that is put in place if they separate.

The OP hasn't mentioned any interest in looking after his own children. Maybe that was an oversight but coming from a family where my dad left us all not just my mother, I'm a bit sensitive about this issue.

Leekidders

You should be honest with her, you deserve to be happy. You only live once and therefore try make the best of it. Good luck ðŸ€

WinnyThePoo

GingerLily wrote: »

You don't seem concerned about looking after your own children, 70 miles is too far to be an active father. I think your being rather selfish about this. I'm not suggesting to stay in your marriage by the way but your priority should be your children and it clearly isn't.

70 miles isn't that far away at all

jimmycrackcorm

GingerLily wrote:

The OP hasn't mentioned any interest in looking after his own children. Maybe that was an oversight but coming from a family where my dad left us all not just my mother, I'm a bit sensitive about this issue.

It's an oversight simply because the OP is asking advice about leaving his wife. Let's not forget either that the law sites no favors for father's in this country. No doubt, he has already discounted the fact that there is no way he could get custody and the law will collaborate to minimize his access to his children on everyone the whim of his spouse.

It's a painful decision to leave especially if his wife isn't working as he will have to pay for a separate life and his family and the oft spoken examples of living in a bedsit instead of a comfortable home are apt. But as someone said, life goes on and can only get better for everyone, kids included.

Lifeistough

Hello all.Ok firstly the kids age range from 21 down to13 as maybe ye alll figured they were younger. Two of them are gone from home. One working. One in college. In my opening post I said they never witnessed her abuse. It should be that the did on many occasions. She didn't care. And I would ask her to go to a room to talk about what ever it was and she would say no. Let them hear what I have to say to u. Think she enjoyed letting them see her putting me down. Well that all backfired. Because all five of them now that they are older see her for what she is. And I have discussed my current position with them and all five fully support me. In fact they encouraging me to leave. . Look even when we were going out my choice of where to go would most of the time be overruled by hers. .even on our wedding invites I couldn't ask Some of the people I wanted just because she didn't like them. I rem her showing holiday destination abroad once and I casually looked and just said that it looked ok. This was abroad. When we got there she didn't like the place and I got full blame because I looked at place and said it seemed ok. Result. Ten days of hell. Lol. She would phone me at work about something trivial and I could be in a meeting or just busy. And she would insist I spoke to her then even though I would tell her I would phone back in ten mins. . Look I could go on and on. But basically she a controls freak. A bully. And always has to have the upper hand. And I not going to stay around for any more. . The finances for both of us are not a problem in any way. The kids are ok bout my decision. I know some of ye are saying don't rush. Get a solicitor. Etc. Easy said . But at this stage this is my chance. Escape. I don't have any feelings what so ever for her . So I am going to be telling her my decision asap.

sReq | uTeK

Lifeistough wrote: »

Hello all.Ok firstly the kids age range from 21 down to13 as maybe ye alll figured they were younger. Two of them are gone from home. One working. One in college. In my opening post I said they never witnessed her abuse. It should be that the did on many occasions. She didn't care. And I would ask her to go to a room to talk about what ever it was and she would say no. Let them hear what I have to say to u. Think she enjoyed letting them see her putting me down. Well that all backfired. Because all five of them now that they are older see her for what she is. And I have discussed my current position with them and all five fully support me. In fact they encouraging me to leave. . Look even when we were going out my choice of where to go would most of the time be overruled by hers. .even on our wedding invites I couldn't ask Some of the people I wanted just because she didn't like them. I rem her showing holiday destination abroad once and I casually looked and just said that it looked ok. This was abroad. When we got there she didn't like the place and I got full blame because I looked at place and said it seemed ok. Result. Ten days of hell. Lol. She would phone me at work about something trivial and I could be in a meeting or just busy. And she would insist I spoke to her then even though I would tell her I would phone back in ten mins. . Look I could go on and on. But basically she a controls freak. A bully. And always has to have the upper hand. And I not going to stay around for any more. . The finances for both of us are not a problem in any way. The kids are ok bout my decision. I know some of ye are saying don't rush. Get a solicitor. Etc. Easy said . But at this stage this is my chance. Escape. I don't have any feelings what so ever for her . So I am going to be telling her my decision asap.

Play this intelligently. Get your affairs in order...do your younger kids want to live with you given how they feel about their mother. Think about this. Will she resent them knowing they support you. Will her anger be manifested towards them for 5 years until the youngest turns 18..

Speak to a solicitor. You have NO idea how nasty this could get.

Lifeistough

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Play this intelligently. Get your affairs in order...do your younger kids want to live with you given how they feel about their mother. Think about this. Will she resent them knowing they support you. Will her anger be manifested towards them for 5 years until the youngest turns 18..

Speak to a solicitor. You have NO idea how nasty this could get.

The kids are fully aware what she like. In Fairness she ok with them. So I'm pretty happy they will be ok. And they will be in pretty regular contact with me. As regarding solicitor etc. It don't bother me. She can have the lot. What She dontknow is that down through the years I have been putting finances away for my self. I work in a very specialised profession and un known to her have been providing lucrative services outside work. And have built up a very specialised client list . So no worries there

Lifeistough

Lifeistough wrote: »

The kids are fully aware what she like. In Fairness she ok with them. So I'm pretty happy they will be ok. And they will be in pretty regular contact with me. As regarding solicitor etc. It don't bother me. She can have the lot. What She dontknow is that down through the years I have been putting finances away for my self. I work in a very specialised profession and un known to her have been providing lucrative services outside work. And have built up a very specialised client list . So no worries there. . . . Oh just how nasty can it get really. If I agree to let her have everything then that's it. It don't bother.me. all I want is a peaceful life from here on in

bee06

Lifeistough wrote: »

The kids are fully aware what she like. In Fairness she ok with them. So I'm pretty happy they will be ok. And they will be in pretty regular contact with me. As regarding solicitor etc. It don't bother me. She can have the lot. What She dontknow is that down through the years I have been putting finances away for my self. I work in a very specialised profession and un known to her have been providing lucrative services outside work. And have built up a very specialised client list . So no worries there

What if she doesn't let you see your kids? I know the youngest are teenagers and have their own minds but there are plenty of terrible lies she could come up with. You really do need to be smart about this. It's not just money you could be losing.

Eire Go Brach

Do it. You are not happy. Maybe she is not either? Kids are old enough. The younger ones might struggle. But communication is key. Talk talk talk.
But just about everyone deserves to be happy. More importantly. When you dead you are dead. Just one life. Go for it.

But I would like to add. Don't use the job as an excuse.

daisybelle2008

Lifeistough wrote: »

In my opening post I said they never witnessed her abuse. It should be that the did on many occasions.

OP, why do you think you lied about that initially? Do you maybe in some way feel guilty or conflicted about what your kids witnessed?
It jumps out at me that you have been squerilling away money to escape for years. Just try to be honest with yourself, you seem to have convinced yourself there will be no emotional fallout. Often the person leaving will feel a lot of guilt, anger and frustration for not getting out sooner and washing over the fact this has had an impact on your kids over the years is denying this.
Be aware you are someone who hasn't expressed themselves to avoid confrontation for many years, behaving differently is going to be a shock to many people. You seem to think you will be able to do it quietly.

Lifeistough

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP, why do you think you lied about that initially? Do you maybe in some way feel guilty or conflicted about what your kids witnessed?
It jumps out at me that you have been squerilling away money to escape for years. Just try to be honest with yourself, you seem to have convinced yourself there will be no emotional fallout. Often the person leaving will feel a lot of guilt, anger and frustration for not getting out sooner and washing over the fact this has had an impact on your kids over the years is denying this.
Be aware you are someone who hasn't expressed themselves to avoid confrontation for many years, behaving differently is going to be a shock to many people. You seem to think you will be able to do it quietly.

Oh sorry I didn't.lie about them witnessing her verbal abuse. It was a mis type which I didn't notice and corrected in my last post. They seen plenty. She was aware I was providing my professional services outside my job and had no issue with that or the earnings I was receiving. . I don't have any emotional issues about leaving what so ever. It's just the kind of guy I am. I'm very happy with my impending decision. And as for.what people think of that don't bother me at all in any way. We here in Ireland gossip about everything. So let them talk away. It will be old news in a week.

daisybelle2008

Lifeistough wrote: »

Oh sorry I didn't.lie about them witnessing her verbal abuse. It was a mis type which I didn't notice and corrected in my last post. They seen plenty. She was aware I was providing my professional services outside my job and had no issue with that or the earnings I was receiving. . I don't have any emotional issues about leaving what so ever. It's just the kind of guy I am. I'm very happy with my impending decision. And as for.what people think of that don't bother me at all in any way. We here in Ireland gossip about everything. So let them talk away. It will be old news in a week.

I wasn't at all referring to what people outside your family think. I think it's good you have finally decided what you want and are going through with it. I am talking about the years before this we're you haven't taken any action. Your kids have witnessed a lot of abuse, and you said this will 'come out of the blue' for your wife. The new you finally doing something about it is going to be a surprise within your family dynamic after all these years. don't underestimate the feelings and reactions this unearths from everyone including yourself to the change in status quo.

Colser

Lifeistough wrote: »

Oh sorry I didn't.lie about them witnessing her verbal abuse. It was a mis type which I didn't notice and corrected in my last post. They seen plenty. She was aware I was providing my professional services outside my job and had no issue with that or the earnings I was receiving. . I don't have any emotional issues about leaving what so ever. It's just the kind of guy I am. I'm very happy with my impending decision. And as for.what people think of that don't bother me at all in any way. We here in Ireland gossip about everything. So let them talk away. It will be old news in a week.

So why exactly are you posting here..you've your mind made up and I presume you're not worried about her reaction so what's the query?

I think you're doing the right thing and are lucky to be in an apparently great financial position but you're pushing all the blame on her and yet you knew what she was like before you married her and went along with it and then went on to have a few children.

Do you mind me asking at what stage during the marriage did you decide that you wanted out and do you think that any of the blame lies with yourself?

The Princess Bride

As those of us who've been in your shoes know, no matter how unhappy one is in a marriage, it's still not easy taking that final step to leave.
For me it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

Those who are happy in their relationship/marriage genuinely have no idea how it feels to be miserable.
It becomes toxic and can poison your every waking thought.

Re: your children.
She won't have any say in letting or not letting the younger children see you.
A 13 year old is old enough to make up their own mind.
See a solicitor who specialises in family law.

You're in for a difficult and different few years but it will get easier, I promise you.

Happiness is everything.

Lifeistough

The Princess Bride wrote: »

As those of us who've been in your shoes know, no matter how unhappy one is in a marriage, it's still not easy taking that final step to leave.
For me it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

Those who are happy in their relationship/marriage genuinely have no idea how it feels to be miserable.
It becomes toxic and can poison your every waking thought.

Re: your children.
She won't have any say in letting or not letting the younger children see you.
A 13 year old is old enough to make up their own mind.
See a solicitor who specialises in family law.

You're in for a difficult and different few years but it will get easier, I promise you.

Happiness is everything.

Thank you for that princess. . Have been busy all week re work transfer. . Very well said about people who are happy in a marriage not been able to understand how it feels to be in a bad one. But I'm focused now and have been giving small hints at home about my impending decision. . Which she seems to be taking reasonably ok. . . . So far... Lol.. And yes have briefly spoken to my solicitor. . So we see.how it goes.