Love triangle...

Jalapeno Dan

I started seeing a colleague last Jan. It lasted about four months, but felt a bit disjointed and felt like the wrong time as she was literally just out of a relationship. We ended it in Apr, but remained very close, both of us thinking that it might start up again in the not too distant future.

I dated other girls, but was never too interested in any of them, nice as they were. She went on some dates, and the same for her. Although then she men an American guy in Jun who was in Ireland on a temporary work visa with his company. They went out, he returned to the US after a month or two, with the intention to return, ultimately in Jan. They agreed to stay faithful to each other.

After he left, her and I still remained close and flirtatious, but nothing more. Then twice in Dec we ended up in bed together. When he returned in Jan as they had planned, I had an open and honest conversation with her about how I felt. She had a lot of mixed emotions, but is still with him seven weeks later (he’s due to return to the US next week).

She admits she has strong feelings for me, that I’m ‘marriage material’, and says she trusts me 100 per cent (and she can). She tells me she doesn’t really feel she can trust him, and that her gut is telling her to go with me...and she always goes with her gut, she says. But she obviously likes him.

In the time the American guy he has been back over, her and I have grown a lot closer and she agrees that if we got back together it would be far better than the last time. We have deep, emotional and flirtatious conversations that, if I were in the American guy’s shoes, I wouldn’t be happy with her at all! But she still remains committed to him, that there’s "just something about him” and tells me that once he returns to the US (aiming to come back to Ireland again), that doesn’t mean they’re finished and the relationship will continue.

I’ve suggested days out with her to watch the rugby and whatnot (after the US guy leaves) with no expectation from me beyond just spending time together. She said that’d be her perfect day, but then she said she’d ultimately just feel bad about it (any suggestion by me is met with ‘can’t’ rather than ‘doesn’t want to’)

I honestly don’t think it’s a case of her having her cake and eating it. I just think I came to the party late and now have to take my medicine!

I’m been patiently holding it together for the last couple of months while he’s been here, but I’m now at my wit’s end! Any advice??

Nichololas

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

But she still remains committed to him, that there’s "just something about him” ...

That really says it all.

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

I honestly don’t think it’s a case of her having her cake and eating it.

I think it is. She's stringing you along in case it doesn't work out with the American. It's probably not malicious or intentional (for a given threshold), but that's what it is.

If you did get back together what would stop her seeing someone else there was "just something about"? She slept with you while being "committed" to the American.. Run!

Mr. Incognito

I honestly don’t think it’s a case of her having her cake and eating it. I just think I came to the party late and now have to take my medicine!

Nail. Head.

Get out. There are better people out there.

Guy Sajer

"...if I were in the American guy’s shoes, I wouldn’t be happy with her at all!"

To use your own quote, I think this has been your warning. You also say she agreed to be faithful with the American guy while he was away but you ended up in bed during that time?

If it's a fb situation that's fine but if you are looking for long term I would steer clear of this girl. She says you're trust worthy but IMO she isn't.

leggo

She's playing both of you like fiddles, and you're the second fiddle. She's stringing you along with words, feeding you just enough to keep you interested, but ultimately going with the guy she actually likes. She sounds like a nasty piece of work - even if she's making nice to your face - and one day, when you don't get what you want and are over it, you'll be embarrassed by this whole scenario because the end result will make it all so clear. That is, unless, you get out now of your own accord and know you rumbled her for what she was and kept your dignity. It's a life lesson, take it as such and find someone more deserving of your time.

Dial Hard

Jalapeno Dan wrote:

I just think I came to the party late and now have to take my medicine!

But you didn't, you were there long before this guy came along.

The very simple fact of the matter is that if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. No ifs, ands or buts.

I know it sucks but it really is that simple, OP. Walk away now before you have your head wrecked and your heart broken.

retro:electro

Ah stop. She's playing you for a fool and keeping herself occupied while her man is away. You shouldn't have to feel like you've to convince someone to be with you. If she wanted you she'd be with you.
Even if you did end up getting together; could you honestly be in a relationship with someone who could so easily and casually cheat on their partner, continually!?

batmanrobin

Sorry, OP, but she is very much having her cake and eating it too. You are what is known as "the backup plan". You're the guy she'll fall back on if things don't work with the Yank - him being the guy she really wants to be with. Hell, she even referred to you as "marriage material" for gods sake! If you're so wonderful ask yourself this, why isn't she with you? Why has she chosen this other guy over you?

These things aren't complicated, OP. They're rather simple really. When someone truly likes you, they'll be with you. They won't make excuses, there won't be someone else, it'll be you they are with.

You're excusing a lot of bad behaviour. If I were in your shoes, I'd be telling her to hit the road. Put a bit more value on yourself, cut her out of your life, and start to move on.

Big Bag of Chips

I find it funny that she has said she doesn't trust him!!!

She doesn't know what she wants. She wants you both. But if he's around she just wants him. For your own sake you need to back off. She might come to you, but while she has you both she doesn't need to make a decision. And if she does come to you, you need to make it very clear to her that you are not interested in being her bit on the side.

Bambi985

Honestly, to me it sounds like she's mad about Mr American but lining you up as a back-up if it all goes down the sh1tter. Which it probably will because long-distance is a recipe for disaster especially when neither of them are that committed. She's already cheated on him, remember.

are you happy to be second best here? Mr "you'll do til someone better comes along" if you ever even get a look-in down the line? if you were my mate i'd be telling you to have a word with yourself, find yourself someone who sees you and only you.

because that's the thing. When I met my boyfriend, there was only him. On my mind, in any room I walked into where he was, as a romantic option in my life. other guys weren't on my radar anymore, no-one else hitting on me would ever get anywhere. not because i'm a sap and he's the "one", but because all the stupid flirtations and hookups and tinder dates and all the bullsh1t that came before seemed so uninteresting compared to what i had with him.

Stop going to the rugby with her and stop these deep and flirtatious conversations that you both know are inappropriate but that she loves because she's getting her ego stroked and you hang onto like a dog who's being fed scraps of a bone.

Tell her you respect her decision to be with Mr America but that it means things can't continue with you as they have been. And yes, cut her out. there's no other way really.

Katgurl

Oh my god. You're behaving like a doormat. She wants him but thinks you're a safe bet. She hasn't even dressed this up, she's told you straight.

Cut her off and don't look back.

You deserve far far better than this.

njs030

People can be really harsh on here when it's not them in the situation but I wonder when they like someone are they so no nonsense about it.

Op she may well be confused and unsure, of course when he's here her time with him is limited so she wants to spend it with him but are you really happy to be left on the sidelines knowing she's with him, being intimate with him etc?
It must be really hard for you when he's around so maybe next time he leaves use the hurt you've felt at being ignored to not answer the phone and don't go back.

Be a choice not an option.

Skibunny77

Op, would you treat someone you really liked the way she is treating you? I get that she might be mixed up, she probably likes the feeling of being desired, but ultimately, she is being completely unfair, essentially toying with your head and heart. The best thing to do would be to wish her well, let her go and go off to find someone who actually wants to date you and treats you well!!

robbiezero

notjustsweet wrote: »

People can be really harsh on here when it's not them in the situation but I wonder when they like someone are they so no nonsense about it.

Op she may well be confused and unsure, of course when he's here her time with him is limited so she wants to spend it with him but are you really happy to be left on the sidelines knowing she's with him, being intimate with him etc?
It must be really hard for you when he's around so maybe next time he leaves use the hurt you've felt at being ignored to not answer the phone and don't go back.

Be a choice not an option.

Yes, I would be. There is absolutely no way I would be in a relationship with anyone where I wasn't the absolute first and only choice for them and vice versa.
It would gnaw away at me otherwise the thought that I wasn't good enough for her to give up the other lad and I think a lot better of myself than to settle for that scenario.
Also I'd find it hard to trust someone like her, what about the next guy that she thinks there is something about.

At the very least, don't be her doormat, tell her either he is out or your out or at least let her know you will never be more than a FB to her (no point in cutting that out until you find someone else).

leggo

notjustsweet wrote: »

People can be really harsh on here when it's not them in the situation but I wonder when they like someone are they so no nonsense about it.

Op she may well be confused and unsure, of course when he's here her time with him is limited so she wants to spend it with him but are you really happy to be left on the sidelines knowing she's with him, being intimate with him etc?
It must be really hard for you when he's around so maybe next time he leaves use the hurt you've felt at being ignored to not answer the phone and don't go back.

Be a choice not an option.

I think people are being 'harsh' (though I don't think it's harsh, but that's the tone you're picking up) on her, not the OP. All I've seen is sympathy for him and saying he deserves more.

Jalapeno Dan

Thanks all! It's funny, when I posted this I was looking for some reassuring 'don't worry, it'll work out' comments. But reading through your replies, my eyes are wide open now! I don't even recognise myself in my original post.

I know I can't just turn off my feelings, but I can regain a bit of self-respect! I'm unsure of my next moves, but I'm done being a doormat. Knowing her, I know (I think) that's not her intention, but it's what she's doing regardless.

There's no trust in her current relationship, so the whole things a sham, but that something she'll have to figure out the hard way!

Thanks again all!

benny79

I put it to you this way she knows how you feel but when he's here she is ending up in his bed.. harsh but true! So how does that make you feel?? Your been used..

What if he heads home never to return she ends up with you! What would you say on your wedding day or tell your kids.. Mammy was into someone else he didnt want her so she settled for option 2 which was me...

It wouldnt be me... P.s I know its hard as you like her very much but there the facts.

Oink

OP, is it possible that deep down you know what you should do? And that you are only asking other people because you're desperate for a different answer to what your brain is telling you?

njs030

robbiezero wrote: »

Yes, I would be. There is absolutely no way I would be in a relationship with anyone where I wasn't the absolute first and only choice for them and vice versa.
It would gnaw away at me otherwise the thought that I wasn't good enough for her to give up the other lad and I think a lot better of myself than to settle for that scenario.
Also I'd find it hard to trust someone like her, what about the next guy that she thinks there is something about.

At the very least, don't be her doormat, tell her either he is out or your out or at least let her know you will never be more than a FB to her (no point in cutting that out until you find someone else).

I did say be a choice not an option but I think when you really like someone it's very hard to see how badly they are treating you. Comments like doormat etc so seem a tad harsh though perhaps that's just me.
Op might be all fired up now but when it comes down to actually putting it into practice it's not quite as easy as "just walk away" when you're emotionally invested in someone.

Rekop dog

Yeah let her go man. She'll probably come chasing if you ignore her for a bit but it'll eventually revert back to the same dynamic in time.

If she truly cared for you there wouldn't be a dilemma here. Truth probably is she isn't all that invested in either of you.

dellas1979

Your next move?

If you think you can be friends with someone you have feelings for, youre in for a shock.

The girl does know what she is doing. When we have feelings for someone, we'll do just about anything to believe"what am amazing person they are". Judgement is clouded.

You like/love an imaginary version of this person "ah shur, poor her seeing 2 guys". Its quite manipulative. But you are responsible for pulling your head out of the clouds. Youre responsible for your part in this. And you are responsible for how it ends for you.

The best indicator of future behaviour is past and present behavior, and her behaviour far from smells like roses.

Please rejoin reality.

Big Bag of Chips

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

There's no trust in her current relationship, so the whole things a sham, but that something she'll have to figure out the hard way!

Dan, I know you're very fond of her, but you seem to see her as some sort of victim in all this. Saying she'll have to find out the hard way that there's no trust in their relationship. She's no victim. She's the one lying to him!!!! People who cheat tend to be mistrustful of others. They judge everyone by their own standards. She has no evidence, I assume, that he has cheated on her, but she knows for a fact she has cheated/is cheating on him. She justifies her cheating by telling herself he's probably doing it too. The last time you were together it was the excuse of her just being out of a relationship and that's why it didn't work out for you two. Now the excuse is she's with this American fella. If she wanted you there would be no excuses. I think she likes you, but not enough.

She's saying nice things that she thinks will make you feel better, but in fact they're just making things worse and confusing you and stringing you along. I do think you're right that she's not deliberately doing it to upset you. But it's not going to stop, unless you put a stop to it. Good luck, she'll probably try a few different things to reel you back in if she realises she risks losing your friendship. But you get to make the decisions, not her. You get to decide whether she's in your life or not. She doesn't want you. If she tells you she does, it won't last. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

bucketybuck

Why do you think its just a triangle?

I mean, she's fucking her boyfriend when she can, she's fucking you when he isn't around, so why can't she be ****ing some other guy when neither of you are around?

What, you think you would know about man no.3? That she would have told you? I bet her boyfriend would say that too.

Jalapeno Dan

Thanks again for the much need kick up the posterior!

Funny story, started giving her a discreet cold shoulder in the office since Tue. She seems a bit attention starved on Wed and Thu! I previously said I like her perfume, and then low and behold the corridor between our offices on Thur afternoon was filled with her perfume!

I always offer to lend a hand to her section when they're up against it, but they never actually need me. Then all of a sudden on Thu I got a call from her looking for a hand (never before)! I of course gave her a dig out, but no cutsie carry-on, which she seemed a little disappointed with. Then last night a late night 'thanks for your help, etc' text. I just sent a delayed reply saying 'no probs'.

I also used to drink my coffee out of a mug she got me a while ago. I switched mugs and it was the first thing she noticed!

Best of all, I've a date lined up on Sat with a girl I met on Tinder this week.

Big Bag of Chips

Haha! She's so transparent, OP. I'm glad you're on to her though. She'll keep upping it now to get your attention again. I think maybe your next reply to a text should be a hurried - "just heading out to meet someone, probably see ya Monday".

I don't think she's a bad person, but I don't think she sees you the same way you see her.

Jalapeno Dan

To be honest, she's not a bad person...otherwise I would never have been into her in the first place! She's actually a very good person (current behaviour excepted), but is making a total balls of the situation she finds herself in!

Might drop into a conversation that I've a date on Sat...that'll wreck her head for the weekend! Lol

bucketybuck

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

Might drop into a conversation that I've a date on Sat...that'll wreck her head for the weekend! Lol

You are still dancing to her tune, you just don't realise it.

Whats more important, that you have moved on and stopped the unhealthy relationship or that she believes you have moved on and acts accordingly?

If you had really moved on you wouldn't really care if she knew your plans this weekend or not, any more than you would care if any of your other workmates knew you had a date.

Whats your reason for telling her about a date, is it so that she sees the error of her ways and declares her love for you before its too late? You do realise she could easily do that and that it would be meaningless, right?

Stop looking for new and varied ways to distance yourself from somebody, you don't do that with people unless you still want their validation. Just live your life without thinking about her.

Jalapeno Dan

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

I previously said I like her perfume, and then low and behold the corridor between our offices on Thur afternoon was filled with her perfume!

I always offer to lend a hand to her section when they're up against it, but they never actually need me. Then all of a sudden on Thu I got a call from her looking for a hand (never before)! I of course gave her a dig out, but no cutsie carry-on, which she seemed a little disappointed with. Then last night a late night 'thanks for your help, etc' text. I just sent a delayed reply saying 'no probs'.

I also used to drink my coffee out of a mug she got me a while ago. I switched mugs and it was the first thing she noticed!

Might drop into a conversation that I've a date on Sat...that'll wreck her head for the weekend! Lol

Yeah Dan, you sound more involved with her than ever and the mind games are unbecoming. I wonder what'll happen when the American guy goes home next week.

bucketybuck

Deleted User wrote: »

I wonder what'll happen when the American guy goes home next week.

As a reaction to his cold shoulder she will make every effort to ensure the OP knows she is with the American guy and having lots of fun, that would be my guess.

Jalapeno Dan

Well, to be fair, I haven't moved on...it's been three days lads! But I have moved forward.

leggo

Yeah just to add a +1 to those saying avoid the games. You won't win that, being the more invested of the pair. But good luck with the date and on moving forward to people you could actually be happy with!

retro:electro

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

Thanks again for the much need kick up the posterior!

Funny story, started giving her a discreet cold shoulder in the office since Tue. She seems a bit attention starved on Wed and Thu! I previously said I like her perfume, and then low and behold the corridor between our offices on Thur afternoon was filled with her perfume!

I always offer to lend a hand to her section when they're up against it, but they never actually need me. Then all of a sudden on Thu I got a call from her looking for a hand (never before)! I of course gave her a dig out, but no cutsie carry-on, which she seemed a little disappointed with. Then last night a late night 'thanks for your help, etc' text. I just sent a delayed reply saying 'no probs'.

I also used to drink my coffee out of a mug she got me a while ago. I switched mugs and it was the first thing she noticed!

Best of all, I've a date lined up on Sat with a girl I met on Tinder this week.

Glad to hear it. Move on with your life and leave the attention seeker to sulk. Enjoy your date!

Rekop dog

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

Thanks again for the much need kick up the posterior!

Funny story, started giving her a discreet cold shoulder in the office since Tue. She seems a bit attention starved on Wed and Thu! I previously said I like her perfume, and then low and behold the corridor between our offices on Thur afternoon was filled with her perfume!

I always offer to lend a hand to her section when they're up against it, but they never actually need me. Then all of a sudden on Thu I got a call from her looking for a hand (never before)! I of course gave her a dig out, but no cutsie carry-on, which she seemed a little disappointed with. Then last night a late night 'thanks for your help, etc' text. I just sent a delayed reply saying 'no probs'.

I also used to drink my coffee out of a mug she got me a while ago. I switched mugs and it was the first thing she noticed!

Best of all, I've a date lined up on Sat with a girl I met on Tinder this week.

I told you she'd come chasing once you starved her of the attention, but it's not you she wants it's the validation you give her so don't get sucked back in.
Funny she got you a mug as that's exactly what she was treating you as.

Good luck on the date.

bucketybuck

Jalapeno Dan wrote: »

Well, to be fair, I haven't moved on...it's been three days lads! But I have moved forward.

And thats understandable, we can't switch these things off and on. But I do think its better to nip those sorts of behaviour in the bud now rather than later.

Big Bag of Chips

Ah feck it OP, nothing wrong with getting a little bit of enjoyment out of the situation for a while!

It might not be the most mature thing, but so what? She's after stringing you along for long enough, you deserve to get a bit of sport out of watching her watch you slip from her grip! Just so long as you're not doing it in the hope that she'll suddenly want to be your gf. You're right, it's only been a few days. In time you won't care, and you won't tell her things just to see her reaction. Enjoy the date. Try not to talk about your latest doomed romance