In laws making my life hell, what options are left?

Neyite

Go to minimal contact as much as possible, and don't rise to her bait.

If you are planning kids this is a woman and her daughters you do NOT want in your children's lives - look at how it's damaged your OH. Read Toxic Parents or Toxic inlaws by Susan Forward - both of you, and keep reading similar. It's going to be a steep learning curve for both of you.

If they give you the opportunity and fall out massively with you both, grab it with both hands and ignore the flying monkeys sent to reel you back in. The two of you need to be a strong team and if you are, you'll be able to distance yourselves from them.

The Raptor

I just want to add there are some great facebook groups on narcissist parents. There are people out there with the same type of parents and even worse. I found them great for the support. Counselling for me was pretty useless, they tried to change my thoughts on things. Like, I can't stop feeling the way I do. I'm not sure if it was that particular counsellor.

He should give counselling a go and deal with his issues or his family's treatment of him. He had a lifetime of nasty parents. He needs to go low contact at least. For me, I had enough over a year ago and went no contact. I was 33 years old. These people will never change. It took me a long time to realise that. Accepting my mother's behaviour towards me, I was only giving out the impression that it was OK to treat me like crap. I just had enough and walked out. She can apologize or not. It was her issue, not mine, I had to look out for myself. Something happened before the Christmas and I had to start up contact again. My grandmother died, and I also found a funny looking spot which I rang my mother in a panic. When I left after the funeral, it was made out that I would be welcome at home for Christmas. Christmas eve and I was told not to bother coming home. I thought just maybe, after a year of no contact, she might realise how awful she was towards me. hey, my family never apologised for their behaviour, and here I was going right back to them, then the bombshell was dropped, don't bother coming home for Christmas. My point being is they never change. They only want to hurt you and they get great satisfaction out of it.

LegacyUser

Ok, I am trying to remember everything in this reply as there has been so many opinions which I am so grateful for, it really helps!

I’ll just go in order. I only engaged with her after the above for him. I thought it was better to stand by him… When this all happened he understandably went mental at her, saying how unacceptable it was and that it was out of line. That time and everytime since, if he stands up to her, they blame it on me. He stopped doing this to protect me, I think. Like in the sense that if he didn’t stand up for it, I couldn’t be blamed anymore kinda thing…
I agree we tell them too much and that stems from in the beginning when I said not to tell them our business, then if they found out after, they’d “ask him to come up and help with something” when I was at work, and sit him down for an intervention because he was lying to them. He has never lied, only kept our business to himself. So after that, it got so much that we just started telling them things.

Our current house is in the city where they live, not near my parents… They only met for the first time this past new year which my mother and granny were present, dad was working. They were apprehensive but like me, done their best to be nice and hospitable. The night went great and there were no issues really. She did have a few and start jibing at his weight in front of my family which was humiliating for him, but having known what she is like they just tried to cheer him up and ignored her.

Unfortunately. We have discussed moving back to my homeplace but there just aren’t any opportunities there, that’s why I moved away so young in the first place. On one hand we have discussed moving somewhere else, but I have been here for six years and him his whole life. We both have very good friend circles here, and he has just gotten an amazing job he has been trying to get for years…. We don’t feel like we should have to uproot all that when we have done nothing wrong… Not to mention the rest of his family are here which mostly know absolutely nothing about this. He gets on great with all of his aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents etc as do I. They welcomed me with open arms. His mother hates this also because as you would have guessed, the majority don’t speak to her. She doesn’t speak to her own family because of arguing and she always blames it on them. I don’t know if it is their fault or hers in that case but our experience leads me to guess…

I do realise in the future it might have to happen. We have discussed having children over the next ten or so years, and I really fear to think what would happen if we did. I can only imagine it as hell

CowboyBillyBob, as this has been going on for so long, we have been through that. It’s beyond that point hence why I feel we are stuck… We have asked them to sit down in a neutral setting three times altogether. It always ends the same way. She is sorry, and she was doing it out of concern. She promises it will never happen again and she loves us both. Tears have been involved at one point which made us feel guilty. If it is him alone they just scream and abuse him, they know I will speak back. He never did at first so that’s their tactic. He does now, but they just get worse then.

I know it’s nothing against me personally, this would happen with any person he moved in with… I hope. I am driving myself crazy trying to believe this because it has made me so down on myself and I am compulsively cleaning all day every day. Yeah that’s good because it means I’m not moping around but I tend to go too far. It feels like it is never clean enough or good enough even though I might think it is, I then think well if she was to show up right now it would be “filthy”. I know I shouldn’t listen, neither should he, but it wears down on us some days and we just feel low.

He has brought the money up with them before and they won’t tell him even how to get it and refuse to give it back. They signed it over a month or two after moving out so he has no idea where it has actually gone. At this point he thinks they have either spent it or are just never giving it back and to be honest, like someone said above, it might be the best well spent 10,000 to get away from them. He is rightly extremely annoyed as he was living at home working two jobs, paying 100 towards the home and then saving almost all of his wages apart from that. He worked extremely hard to save it and he is so annoyed that it was all for nothing but it’s just another weapon to use.

I do know her maiden name and where she came from….She has spoke about this and her family I’ve met have spoken about it. Her excuse is always ‘that’s how my family treat each other so I don’t know any better’ That may be true, and I am sorry it happened, but that should make you more aware of not treating people like ****. You have had long enough away from this to realise and try and change…
We have tried to sit down and be nice and talk it out without arguing. It worked, for a few weeks. We have tried minimal contact, but each time we did admittedly cave because it just got so bad. We are partly to blame in that respect but we just didn't know what else to do..

We have both read these and I have came to the conclusion I am not having any contact under any circumstance. He is unsure what to do, he has booked counselling. He is not contacting them and if they contact him, he will most likely ignore it. If they do call to the house, I will not leave them in and explain if he wants to speak to them they can do so in another environment, or I can leave. As for his sisters, the youngest didn’t get involved and they will speak as normal. She has always been the one to care for him and see if he is ok…She is barely 18 and has more maturity than the rest. The other sister never speaks to him except in passing and the text she sent last week was the first time she made an effort to say anything in months. So that isn’t really an issue. We know she is just influenced and someday that will wear off aswell and she will see how insane this all is..

This thread has strengthened our minds so much and I honestly cannot thank you all enough for being kind. I know it all sounds crazy, I wish I embellished or exaggerated because that would mean it hasn’t gotten that bad haha. We were so used to listening to abuse and put downs we almost forgot we are allowed to say no or keep distance…. We haven’t heard from them since and it’s one of the quitest most normal weeks we have had in a while. I know it will only be a matter of days or weeks before something else happens, but I know I don’t have to deal with it now. I only ever dealt with all of this because I felt like I was leaving him alone to deal with it and that felt wrong… Sorry this whole thing was so long, and thanks everyone far having patience to read it. You have no idea how much you’ve helped.

To the people in similar situations, you have made it easier to see this will probably never end but it isn’t an issue with us… I hope you live happy lives and know nothing is wrong with you either.

Thank you all.

LirW

OP, you are an angel to stand by his side like a rock.
I'm also quite positive about him getting out of this situation well enough, he doesn't seem weak.

One thing I'd like to suggest: Please get legal advice regarding the money. They basically stole your OHs money, money that you might need for something in the future. And 10k is not an insignificant amount, in some parts of the country it can be a house deposit.

I wish the two of you best of luck to get out of this horrid situation.

Emme

I agree that you should get legal advice regarding the money. They have stolen from your partner.

The Facebook page " Freedom from Parental Narcissistic Abuse" is one of the best. I recommend that you both look at it.

By the sounds of things his 17 year old sister might need your help in years to come but sort yourselves out first. You can't help anybody else otherwise.

Narcissistic abuse usually goes back generations (it does in my family) and it is very common in farming families. That's why it is so hard to break the chains of abuse.

Good luck going forward. Your OH really is lucky to have your support. I wish I had the support of someone like that years ago and even now. I'm single and it can be damn hard because I still have to deal with my parents. It's a long story. I am in my 40s and had to work it all out myself so to speak.

I had some counselling but not all counsellors "get" narcissism. Some foolishly think you can sit down and reason with these people. You CAN'T, no matter what anyone says. Remember that.

The Raptor

You mentioned something in your last post that if they call to the house they can talk to your partner in a different environment or you will leave.

You shouldn't have to leave your home for them. It is your home, not theirs.

You cannot reason with these people. If you or your partner can't go no contact, contact should be kept to a minimum. Look up the grey rock technique. Well basically you or your partner give them no news on your life, no good news or no bad news, they hate you if you have good news and will take delight if you have bad news. You don't give it to them. He basically be as interesting as a grey rock. You don't explain yourself to them and give yes or no answers. Keep things to a minimum and very very short. You become boring. Narcissists thrive on drama, if they don't get it from you, they will learn that you're no good and boring and seek it out elsewhere.

Kazza16

Ah here OP, enough is enough! Whatever about your DP and how he handles them, if I were you I would shut them down immediately. This woman is a narcissistic monster and the only way to handle her is to shut her down. Take screenshots of the all of the nasty text messages she has sent, send them to her and tell her that you will be posting these on social media for all of the friends and family to see if she says one more nasty thing about you or her son.

That will shut the nasty old hag up!

And if down the line, your dp kisses and makes up with up with them that doesn't mean that you have to! I would stay well away - imagine what it will be like if you get married and have children?!

Good luck!

Emme

It's an act of self defeat to sink to the level of narcissists. If you engage with them in a negative way you are still under their control.

Narcissism is a common theme in Irish literature. Some of Marina Carr's plays have a narcissistic character. The mother in Brian Friel's "The Beauty Queen of Leenane" is a great malignant narcissist and the tragic outcome of the play is all too common in real life narcissistic families. It's showing in Dublin at the moment. If you and your OH can, go see it.

JustAThought

She sounds like a vile evil bitch. She has somehow got away with this horrific behaviour all her life and thinks she can now abuse you and suck you into her whirlpool of evil vomit & anger & controlling and lies.

Forget the 10k - that is her sons & her issue - he will never see it again & she may relish doling it out to him & being in control of him from afar in a petty mean thieving way. I would say He has no hope fo getting that back or any joy from it if he ever recieves it - it is another controlling device used to manipulate him and keep him close to her. You are now drawn into a figjt between himmand her over money - thay she controlls - you are now in her power & are fighting with her & she is winning & inncontrol... Just whay she wants. That 10k is not yours, you will never see it or enjoy it, and she will make sure neither will he. Write it off.

Tbh I see no happy ending in this so
long as he has her in his life - and she will always be his mother. If you get married or have kids she will be there - I would seriously consider why you are fighting so hard for this man and your relationship when he is allowing this vile controlling abusive woman into your life & to continue to be in his. This sounds like an ultimatum and really it is - either he grows a pair and accepts that you are now his priority and stands up for
you and what you have together,and your relationship and future or he remains savaged inside the barbed wire territory of his mothers control forever. Which sounds like whay sje wants. She must have ruined his fathers life - did the father never stand up to her? Did the father allow her to be so cruel and abusive to his son all through his life? What kind of people are these? This is so abhorrent and unusual and utterly destructive an damaging and cruel it beggars belief.

She is clearly long term mentally ill - depression often forces people to extremes of hate and jealousy for others. This is not a logical fix cajoling situation but whether you are prepared to take this stress, anxiety and evil controlling behaviour for the rest of your life and that of your children if you have any. You are in your twenties? Is this the kind of family, environment and situation you want to be in for the next 5,10 or 20 years? You are already anxious and agrophobic. Do you want to add stressed, miserable and mentally ill to that too? Is what he is prepared to yeild to you worth all that? Years of an abusive woman being cruel, screaming abuse, harassing you at your home, and playing control mind f*** with you both? Always there, always waiting with her vomit and abuse and vile words and manipulation?!

She thinks you are beneath her/him. She spreads lies about you. She makes up hate filled stories about you. She thinks it is ok or normal to have screaming abuse with you on the phone - and them begs for forgiveness saying it was in your best interest/she thought it was true? These are all classic symptoms of a violent long term domestic abuser - only it is so vile to see it in an old woman against her young sons lover. She wants to and has already succeeded in pulling you into her world of poison, violence screaming ,personal abuse, and trauma - all controlled by her.

How long are you going to keep him your life? It is not just a question for her son about his mother, who has sadly been a victim of this behaviour and in this environment all his life and says he knows no better ( and sounds like he is following the lead of his father also facilitating and enabling her even if he dosn't know better or has no idea how to behave or what is normal) but it is also a serious issue for you as an individual in relation to your boyfriend.

You are not just half of an abused couple or a quarter of the family abuse circle comprising the facilitating father and equally abusive sister and her and your weak or passive boyfriend, but you are also an individual in your right who also can make the choice not to be part of this circle of control,abuse and interpersonal evil - at all. You are now part of an abusive domestic situation. How awful. Did You ever think You would be an abused woman, in a toxic controlling hate filled long term dysfunctional and problematic relationship? I bet not. Despite your love for your OH, you can still choose to walk away from it all. It is a valid and reasonable choice. And you do not have to protest your love for your Boyfriend and atay in it just because you love him. There is a greater part to your love for him. It is his reaponses, his conditioning, his understanding of what is acceptable and normal behaviour, and his not having the background to see or probably ever understand how utterly abnormal and dysfunctional this is. Just because your OH has grown up with and is trapped in this cycle
of family abuse forever does not mean that you are. And it does not mean that your life should be dictated to by her or made cruel and difficult by her and this family and their behaviours and values.

If your BF cannot see this and will not do anything permanent and meaningful that removed this problem and toxic and burnen from your shoulders and life, is not prepared to PROPERLY stand up for you just as his father seems to have failed to do all his entire life, then sadly, he is also part of this problem. You are worth a lot more than all of this and deserve a lot better. How many years are you going to wait while he fugures it out in therapy - even assuming he gets any meaningful insights or changes a lifetime of grooming & patterns of thinking?

You personally also need to be seriously considering how many years of this absuse and upset you will tolerate and whether 3 or 5 or 10 years of this will he what it takes for you to walk away from it all. And whether this is the kind of poisonous family and life you want your children (future) to be brought up
In. As a well brought up, beautiful, intelligent woman who has had a normal happy sparkling life and loving warm family and good normal values you are entitled to a happy, normal, joyful life and bright future in a loving, supportive, joyful family environment and happy dreams. You do not have to tolerate or plan to put up with this - EVEN THOUGH you love him. Fixing his sadly utterly dysfunctional family and how he engages with them and you is not your reaponsibility or job in life. You are young and have lots of opportunities and happy years you can yet have. Choosing to walk away from all of this toxic poison & nightmare , despite your love for your BF, is still a very plausible and valid choice. Not all love & circumstances are the kind where you can or should keep a relationship going. Sadly . We hear lots of past ex stories where there were one or many key items that the oerson knew prevented a long term happy relationship or marriage - your story is one the best models for one of them.

You have heard of intergenerational abuse and toxic families. You are now part of one. And you should strongly consider permanently removing yourself from ALL of it while you still can and still have your fragile mental health. He ( your loved OH) is also part of the problem, sadly.

Not all relationships last, not all end in marriage or children. We have all fond memories of ex's that just would never work out - and we look back and know innout hearts that although it was a hard and difficult decision to make, that it was the best decision for the rest of our lives and future happiness.

jimmycrackcorm

LirW wrote:

One thing I'd like to suggest: Please get legal advice regarding the money. They basically stole your OHs money, money that you might need for something in the future. And 10k is not an insignificant amount, in some parts of the country it can be a house deposit.

I think the boyfriend should take an initiative to stand up for himself by telling his mother that there is to be no further contact from them unless it is to give him back his 10k. This is leverage.

nikkibikki

She is not going to change at this stage so there is zero point in thinking that it's possible to reason with her. Your partner needs a good counsellor and a lot of sessions in order to process all this but she is destroying him. Both of you need to get away from her. Move house and don't give her your new address. Block her from your phone and I'd strongly recommend that your partner do the same. Who cares who she blames? What does it matter? The opinion this woman has of you is not relevant. She has treated you both with disgust and disrespect for a long time so she does not deserve to be treated with respect. It has gone beyond that.

KKkitty

This so called human being is vile to the core. Change your numbers and stop contact altogether. Seems to me like his mother resents you both for getting your own place. She doesn't have her son around to be a punching bag for her outbursts anymore. His siblings don't know any better after years of seeing him being treated badly so are just following suit. How dare she treat you both the way she has and still is. She seems like a control freak who if things don't go her way she's like a volcano about to erupt. Get the 10 thousand back and might I add a restraining order against her. She can't have full reign in visiting you whenever she wants.

valoren

The straw that broke the camels back is when his 20year old sister text him saying ' You're a fat disgusting mess. You have one income in your filthy house and you think you are doing well at 25? You should have more respect.' He replied saying this is nothing to do with her, he has issues with his parents and he would appreciate if she didn't get involved. This ended with name calling and cursing on her end. Not sure if this was actually her or she is being influenced but it's the one thing that broke him because she never speaks to him except in passing, has never been in our house, and would not know our financial situation.

Hi OP.
That was not his sister texting him. It was his mother. Using her phone to attack him, to taunt/bait him into replying.
She knew he was starting to cop on and wanted to use a different tactic to prolong the drama.
Tell him that wasn't his sister. She was being used here as a pawn, like everyone else in his family.
The next time he get's such a message from his sister, or anyone in his family do not reply by text.
Simply ring. I could almost guarantee you that it goes unanswered.

The Raptor

valoren wrote: »

Hi OP.
That was not his sister texting him. It was his mother. Using her phone to attack him, to taunt/bait him into replying.
She knew he was starting to cop on and wanted to use a different tactic to prolong the drama.
Tell him that wasn't his sister. She was being used here as a pawn, like everyone else in his family.
The next time he get's such a message from his sister, or anyone in his family do not reply by text.
Simply ring. I could almost guarantee you that it goes unanswered.

You'd be surprised with these types of families. I brought up an issue with my brother and he ****ed me out of it, everything was my fault, loads of name calling and insults. It was uncalled for but everything came from him, it wasn't anyone else texting on his behalf. The golden child and flying monkeys in a narcissist dysfunctional family will always hate the scapegoat and will insult them any chance they get.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, thanks for all the replies and all of the support.

I'm the 'victim' so to speak. I dont know what to call myself at this point...something of a pariah to my own family i guess.

My partner set up this post in order to get some advice from people who do not know us and are not involved.
I really want to thank everyone for so much advice and help. Since the post, there has been one instance of contact from my father who rang me. I took the advice of so many of you and worked up the balls to speak my mind and say what I needed to say. Unfortunately I didnt have the time to speak all of my mind but I got the important things said.

How I don't appreciate being called all the things I was called every time we see each other. How I dont appreciate the names my wonderful partner was being called.
How i really and truly dont appreciate the interference in MY life.

Needless to say I was pretty shaken after it. Ive never stood up my parents like this and I felt physically sick but mentally I felt like i could take on the world.
It took a few days but I eventually got over it and I felt all the better for it, but thats not to say I havent had a few days where I slip into a mood and leave me anxious, depressed and not wanting to face the outside.

I feel so much better now despite having one of those moments today. I somehow go it into my head that I was never going to amount to anything (how stupid of me!) but thanks to my amazing girlfriend I got over it. Feeling a bit drained but over it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied even the ones who said my partner should leave me before it gets worse...thanks for that..I appreciate everyones opinion and have taken everything on board.

Thanks!

Emme

Well done. You are lucky to have the support of a good partner but YOU have to stay strong. Beware of hoovering and flying monkeys:

http://narcissistschild.blogspot.ie/2013/08/getting-sucked-back-inall-about.html

http://narcissistschild.blogspot.ie/2014/06/the-flying-monkeys-in-your-life.html

LegacyUser

hi all, op here.
sorry to bring this thread up again but been some significant events...
After this thread we decided to take the advice and cut contact
They showed up unannounced to our house three times, peering in the windows and we didnt let them in
all was quiet other than that until yesterday. I was out shopping and they were in the same shop as me. I turned to avoid them and they called my name out so I said hi back. They were chit chatting hows life work etc and I just kept repeating. yeah all is fine.

Then his mam asked me why he wouldn't talk to her. four times I said it's between you two, I dont want to talk about it. The fifth time I said you know what the reason he isn't talking to you is because the two of you bully the hell out of him, abuse him and youre a horrible person to your son.
She then started shouting at me in front of everyone that I was a tramp, I was jealous of his sisters because they're 'tall and good looking', that I was never there for him and never will be, that I was a slut because I wore a vneck top in a picture on facebook, and again shouting you're a dirty tramp repeatedly. All I said when this was happening is 'why? why do you think that I have never done anything to any of you this shouldn't involve me'
So they walked away, I followed and asked them why they were doing this, his dad then turned around pointed his finger an inch away from my face and spat you ARE a dirty ****ing tramp, **** off back home and leave our son alone.
His mother had to hold him back which was obviously intimidating to have a six foot four man in his fifties doing this in front of a shop of people.
I just dropped the stuff I was meant to get and went home, bawling my eyes out. My oh then called him and asked who the hell they think they are to talk to ANYONE like that in public, much less me. They just kept hanging up.
His sister then text and said 'you're only hearing one side of the story she attacked them aswell'
I admitted straight away when I first told him that yes I called her horrible and abusive and maybe I shouldn't have done that but she kept asking me and kept asking me so I was honest!!!! I stayed as calm as I possibly could but as soon as I was being shouted at I did raise my voice to defend myself.
I was so angry and so upset yesterday but we talked to his granny (dads side) and his mother actually done the same thing to her a few years back screaming and shouting at her for no reason, a woman in her 70s.
I am at my wits end at this point, I feel like dirt on the ground and so embarassed. We both have blocked them all on fb and stuff so hopefully they will leave us alone now. I feel so bad about myself because of what happened.

nikkibikki

Oh God OP. I don't know what to say. Can ye move? Does this warrant a barring order from the guards maybe? At least ye are both on the same page. You will always be at fault in their eyes for their son sticking up for himself and you, but forget about that, it doesn't matter. Ye don't need them in your lives. It sounds as if the extended family are well aware of what they are like so will take what they say with a pinch of salt. They made a show of themselves in public so plenty more people know what they're like too now.

You say they treated your OH's Dad's mother like this too? And he allowed his wife to do that to his own mother? I can remember I snapped at my mother in law over something once and my husband was very cross with me and rightly so, I was in the wrong and I wouldn't dream of doing it again. She's never done anything to deserve it.

valoren

Do not feel bad for yourself OP.
It seems like they have extended their bullying to showing up uninvited.
This is harassment. If it happens again call the guards. Block numbers?
Perhaps they will get the message then?
It's incredible how consumed they seem to be in destroying you.
They want to revert back to complete control of your OH. To go back to treating him like ****.
You block that. They'll do whatever to remove you from his life.

You're not alone. I've had to deal with toxic people myself. My brother's wife is a toxic, narcissistic bully. Like your MIL quite capable of exploiting the whole two sides to every story angle in order to manipulate and sell her lies to gullible people. Long story short, she befriended my wife when they started work together. It was how we met.

My SIL turned out ot be a bitter, insecure, nasty and hateful individual. My wife was everything she was 'pretending' to be. Smart, well liked, thoroughly respected at work, brilliant at her job, mannerly and respectful, and very good looking. She latched on to her, became instant friends with her. That ought to have been a red flag.

My sister in law thought we would simply go drinking every weekend, with her as the centre of attention being fawned over. That was her expectation. That we would provide her 'narcissistic supply', as we would listen to her abuse and insult family, friends and co-workers as we nodded in agreement, willfully tolerating her poisonous personality. Needless to say, we did our own thing.
After she had a meltdown in the lead up to my older brother's wedding, I reduced contact with her to family events alone.

She exploited the reduced contact. She accused me of intentionally having no time for my brother. She never said a word of this to me directly. She used it as a weapon to harass, bully, belittle and insult my wife with at any given opportunity. My doormat of a brother, like a coward, went along with her. Believed and championed the lies.

This resulted in her attempting to split us up. She had an agenda against us with the help of my own brother, a shell of himself, after years of suffocating and controlling abuse, and her own trashy family. Everything, words, actions and events were twisted around on us both, she was a classic malignant narcissist. She smeared my wife's name at work, attacked her character, tried to destroy her reputation. The toll it took on her was terrible. To top that all off, she twisted it around. She played the victim, she claimed she was the one bullied, harrassed. My wife was trying to get her fired etc. She even showed up with her mother to my wife's office (after SIL had been made redundant) and slandered her to anyone she could get her hands on for a couple of hours. Selling her lies.

My wife, like yourself, had done absolutely nothing wrong. She stood up for herself. That's all. It gave us both a serious life lesson.

To this day, I refuse to speak to them. They've been cut out of our lives. It is quite simply bliss. I don't know their year old niece. It doesn't concern me. He chose her side. It has even affected my relationship with my immediate family. Their thinking is that we need to get over ourselves, that there is two sides to every story, that nobody is to be blamed. My argument is that they are being cowards, who refuse to accept who is actually responsible, that there is right and wrong, that just because they are husband and wife does not give her a license to be a bullying asshole. That's what toxic, dangerous people do. They destroy. Relationships. Confidence. Self esteem.

Read more detail of this here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=99293343

You deal with toxic people by not dealing with them. It's is very hard to walk away when confronted but it really is for the best. They will continue on confronting you both from the sounds of it.

Rise above it if at all possible, let them stew in their own hatred. From reading what you've both written, the only solution here is to walk away. Permanently. Period.

seenitall

Hi OP,

No contact, no contact, no contact. The two of you have to start taking it very seriously. Call the guards if they keep stalking you around your house, and close up emotionally like two clams. No indulging emotional blackmails, no more entertaining insults. When you come face to face with any of them in a shop, the ONLY life-saving, life-affirming thing to do is to walk by as if there is only thin air where they are standing, even while you are being accosted, insulted, shouted at.

I recognise the demented behaviour all right. I cannot emphasise enough that no contact and no communication is the only thing that will save you both a lifetime of misery from here on in. And ideally, of course, moving as far away as possible. I had to move 2000 miles away, to a foreign country, to get away from a narcissistic parent, and it did help. Enormously.

The best of luck to both of you, and you also have to remember that you need to be strong, united and go NO CONTACT.

Kalimah

I recognise a lot of your story Valoren - particularly the bit where you were told to get over yourselves, and that there were two sides to every story. I have a sister in law, married to my husband's brother, who has NEVER spoken to me in 30 years- no exaggeration. I came into the family and she treated me like dirt from day one. I greet her and she turns away grunting at me. I asked my mother in law what had i done to upset her, and was told I'd have to try harder!
It caused untold misery for me- the rest of the family completely ignored it. My husband said say nothing -it'll only cause a row. I'm sorry I didn't.
We ignore her now, and thankfully there aren't too many family events that we have to endure her sour puss.
My advice is ignore, ignore , ignore.
Actually on second reading Valoren the observation about the family being cowards is so accurate. My SIl is toxic and dangerous.

KKkitty

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Block them on Facebook and all other social media. Get a restraining order. To attack you in public is beyond disgusting. Hope you're both going to be OK.

Big Bag of Chips

You've just learned a very tough and public lesson. Any interaction you have with these people will be twisted. The way they operate and interact with people is through conflict and bullying. It's all they know. If it doesn't exist they'll create it, or outright lie that it happened. It was probably a good thing that this happened because at least now you are in no doubt as to what you are dealing with.

Do not have any more dealings with these people. At all. Ignore them. If you bump into them walk by as if you haven't seen them/don't know them. Maybe move area too. You moved to that area on their request/insistence. You don't need to be there now.

Move, and don't tell them.

Ghekko

Just read some of this thread. My heart goes out to ye. I'd suggest (if not already done so) for your partner to seek counselling. For a parent to belittle their son like that is disgusting and the way they have spoken about you and to you is shocking. He will thrive now that he has distanced himself from them. No more emotional abuse and verbal abuse - onwards and upwards with a little help from supportive friends. It will be difficult at first and you will find conversations between you both may be about them. This will make you both angry. They are not worth talking about or getting angry or upset about. Start trying to focus on the positives in your lives and gradually their behaviour will be something for you both to look back on and pity.

As suggested block them from social media along with any close relatives who will inevitably fill them in on your lives. Don't answer calls. Delete texts without reading them. If you do bump into them bite your tongue and walk away, even if it means leaving a shop without a purchase - better that than have them confront you again. They sound completely unhinged.

Fakediamond

Hi OP, sorry you had to encounter them in those circumstances. Never forget that this is not your fault, it's all on them. It takes time to fully understand and see through this type of vindictive and manipulative behaviour, outsiders wouldn't even believe it, if they haven't experienced it for themselves. Even when it is seen, people tend to excuse it and put it down to mental illness, when really it's more in the realm of power and control, think domestic violence, that's a better "fit".

Re-read this thread, and follow up on the ideas suggested, keep educating yourself about narcissists and their methods of control and abuse. It's funny but once you really "get" them, it's much harder for them to control you. I think it also helps you to spot a narcissist a mile off, when you meet them in the future, whether in the workplace, or wherever else.

You and your partner will get better and stronger at this, don't engage, never respond, never stand there and take the abuse, just walk away, hang up the phone, delete the text messages without reading them. It's very empowering and liberating when you can do it.