feeling low... Wife gone back to work..

ziggyman17

My wife has got a job after 5 years of looking. I am very happy for her, but I feel sick to the stomach.. I work from 7am till 1pm and for the last 5 years my wife was always at home when I returned, now I come home to an empty place , she starts at 7am and finishes at 3.30pm, for those 5 years we lived in each others pockets daily, now Im afraid for some strange reason of what the future holds and I am doing so much worrying that I hope I do not put a strain on our relationship, feeling paranoid........ I know this is silly but has anybody any experience of what I going through and have any advice ?

ziggyman17

I know so am I.... I am thinking, what if she finds new friends in work and I do not match up to them....... I do feel very in secure at times, but I have to say this takes the biscuit...........

Koptain Liverpool

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I know this is silly but has anybody any experience of what I going through and have any advice ?

It's not just silly OP. It's absolutely crazy.

So you're in such a state because she'll get home 2 hours later than you?

This is not normal and it sounds like you have serious issues in some regard.

You should consider counselling perhaps to try and get to the bottom of it.

silverharp

I could imagine an issue if you were coming back to an empty house in the evening but honestly don't see an issue here. Relax, get some grocery shopping done, watch a tv show only you like, get a gym membership.

siblers

Most people would be delighted to have the house to them self for a couple of hours each days, god knows I would be

Big Bag of Chips

I know you are acknowledging that your feelings are irrational. But you need to acknowledge that you are bordering on controlling and possessive. You are upset because your wife will be out of the house and meeting others. Most partners would be delighted for their other half to finally be getting out and building their own life and social circle. I doubt your marriage is that fragile that a few new work colleagues are going to turn your wife's head. And if that does happen, then it is nothing to do with the work colleagues!!

Honestly, ziggy, there's a sinister element to this where it would seem you would be happier if your wife were isolated and alone at home. With no friends or supports around her. Depending solely on you for her social life. I hope that's not the case, and I hope you can see how controlling that line of thinking is.

You should be delighted for your wife. As a couple you should be working together towards the happiness of both of you. You should be celebrating a new chapter for her. More money for you as a couple to do things together. A life outside of the home with friends she can go out with occasionally. Living in each other's pockets isn't a positive thing!! It's healthy to have a little bit of time apart to follow your own interests too. Do you have any hobbies or something you might like to take up in the evenings.

If you both want what's best for each other, your relationship can only get stronger with the support of each other. I really hope you haven't put a dampner on this for your wife by telling her you are upset about her success.

GingerLily

Don't you want wife to have friends outside your marraige? Do you think you might be overly possessive of her?

miamee

Your wife used to be at home, alone, waiting for you to come home from work.

Now you will be at home, alone (for a couple of hours max), waiting for her. If you enjoyed coming home to a welcome from your wife, maybe she had the kettle on or asked about your day at work, can't you look forward to being able to give that to your wife now?

It's worrying that a couple of hours out of the day are worrying you but from your second post, I think you are more worried at the fact she will be meeting new friends and colleagues and having a life outside of the home that you have no connection to. Would that be more accurate?

ziggyman17

Its all on me.......... Its all my own insecurities that are playing in my head.. My wife is the most beautiful person I have ever known and its my silliness of thinking that I could lose her that is eating away at me, and yet this is all in my head as my wife is oblivious to this, I previously had a bad relasonship, were I was treated like a dog, literally, I am going to a counselor next week to get the bottom of my self inflicted problem..

GingerLily

Please do OP because resenting your partner over this could be the thing that breaks up your marraige. The needier you become the more likely she is to pull away, it can be self fulling

Good luck!!

professore

The quickest way to lose someone is to be insecure and needy. You need to work on your self esteem issues OP. Therapy is a good idea. Also you need to get out more yourself and have a life apart from your wife. That way you won't be thinking thoughts like this 24/7.

ziggyman17

Told my wife how I was feeling last night, she got very upset, I told her the issues were all my own doing.. I really put my foot in it.. I agreed to stop this carry on and she said put this away and move on.. I hope she lets his slide and forgives my silliness, I have to stop this or my marraige will be over.. this all steems from my lack of self confiedence..,

Conor Bourke

ziggyman17 wrote: »

Told my wife how I was feeling last night, she got very upset, I told her the issues were all my own doing.. I really put my foot in it.. I agreed to stop this carry on and she said put this away and move on.. I hope she lets his slide and forgives my silliness, I have to stop this or my marraige will be over.. this all steems from my lack of self confiedence..,

Sweeping it under the carpet sounds like a recipe for disaster imo. It's freaking you out enough to start a thread here and you should be commended for communicating honestly with your wife. Others have mentioned counselling, I would agree that it should be considered as it will help you find a way to build your self esteem and confidence so you're not crippled by these destructive thoughts.

ziggyman17

the main problem I have is a server lack of self confidence, and is making my mind run at a million miles an hour with lots of thoughts....

Ursus Horribilis

ziggyman17 wrote: »

the main problem I have is a server lack of self confidence, and is making my mind run at a million miles an hour with lots of thoughts....

All the more reason you need counselling. It's a real shame you spoke to your wife about this because you've taken the good out of her getting that job. Was that your plan?

ziggyman17

no certainly not, but I am a professional in putting my foot in it, it feels like with this new job, she is moving on and I am left there, It might sound cold and silly but that is what it feels like...

eviltwin

This is unacceptable. A job after five years looking, she must be over the moon and all you can do is make it about you. It's not like she will even be working mad hours or anything. There are huge positives here if you could see them, extra money, a few hours to yourself to relax.

You need to sort yourself out before she starts the job because if you are like this now God only knows how paranoid you will be once she's out and has new people in her life and a bit of independence. You'll just drive her away. Please get counselling. Living with this level of dependency on another person is soul destroying and stifling for everyone.

lawred2

ziggyman17 wrote: »

My wife has got a job after 5 years of looking. I am very happy for her, but I feel sick to the stomach.. I work from 7am till 1pm and for the last 5 years my wife was always at home when I returned, now I come home to an empty place , she starts at 7am and finishes at 3.30pm, for those 5 years we lived in each others pockets daily, now Im afraid for some strange reason of what the future holds and I am doing so much worrying that I hope I do not put a strain on our relationship, feeling paranoid........ I know this is silly but has anybody any experience of what I going through and have any advice ?

2 hours later than you?

Both home by 330 in the afternoon?

Sounds like an ideal set up.

You need to get a hold of yourself.

lawred2

ziggyman17 wrote: »

the main problem I have is a server lack of self confidence, and is making my mind run at a million miles an hour with lots of thoughts....

Thoughts of what exactly?

ziggyman17

eviltwin wrote: »

This is unacceptable. A job after five years looking, she must be over the moon and all you can do is make it about you. It's not like she will even be working mad hours or anything. There are huge positives here if you could see them, extra money, a few hours to yourself to relax.

You need to sort yourself out before she starts the job because if you are like this now God only knows how paranoid you will be once she's out and has new people in her life and a bit of independence. You'll just drive her away. Please get counselling. Living with this level of dependency on another person is soul destroying and stifling for everyone.

she has already started the job, 2 weeks now and each day has got worse, I know it is all on me with my lack of self confidence, I have to try and change because before I know it, my marriage will be over...

Ursus Horribilis

You said you're going to see a counsellor next week, right? The best way you can make this better is by going to counselling and stopping the rot.

lawred2

ziggyman17 wrote: »

she has already started the job, 2 weeks now and each day has got worse, I know it is all on me with my lack of self confidence, I have to try and change because before I know it, my marriage will be over...

Worse in what way?

ziggyman17

lawred2 wrote: »

Thoughts of what exactly?

of losing her.......... I am starting to realize that I am a very controlling person, and this is not a nice thought to have but it is the truth, and it is killing me inside, that I am so possessive, I should be able to trust my wife because there has never been any trust issues, but this stems back from a previous relationship I was in were I was walked all over........ but it is terrible that I now seem to be repeating the process with me now in the bad role...

Big Bag of Chips

Are you doing anything to deal with it, OP? I feel sorry for you because it must be awful to live in your head. But I feel sorry for your wife too, because it is a lot of pressure being completely responsible for another adults happiness. And that's what you've made her. Your happiness rests on her shoulders, and her keeping within certain parameters that keep you happy.

That's not good.

You can talk all you like about it being your issue and being your insecurities, but that's not much help unless you address them. Properly. It IS your issue. And if you continue to carry on like this you WILL upset and annoy your wife. There's only so much reassuring you can do for someone who's determined not to listen. Also, these thoughts you are having are quite insulting to your wife. Do you think her marriage vows mean so little to her? Do you think she's that weak that she'd be flattered by a bit of company and walk out on her marriage?

You need to actively take control of this. If you can show your wife you are serious about sorting this out for yourself, you will have her support. If you sit around moping and repeating how it's your insecurities then she WILL tire of it. She may still honour her marriage vows and be determined to make your marriage work, but she will feel sad and alone. If you love her, you won't want that.

ziggyman17

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you doing anything to deal with it, OP? I feel sorry for you because it must be awful to live in your head. But I feel sorry for your wife too, because it is a lot of pressure being completely responsible for another adults happiness. And that's what you've made her. Your happiness rests on her shoulders, and her keeping within certain parameters that keep you happy.

That's not good.

You can talk all you like about it being your issue and being your insecurities, but that's not much help unless you address them. Properly. It IS your issue. And if you continue to carry on like this you WILL upset and annoy your wife. There's only so much reassuring you can do for someone who's determined not to listen. Also, these thoughts you are having are quite insulting to your wife. Do you think her marriage vows mean so little to her? Do you think she's that weak that she'd be flattered by a bit of company and walk out on her marriage?

You need to actively take control of this. If you can show your wife you are serious about sorting this out for yourself, you will have her support. If you sit around moping and repeating how it's your insecurities then she WILL tire of it. She may still honour her marriage vows and be determined to make your marriage work, but she will feel sad and alone. If you love her, you won't want that.

I booked a counselor for next week but canceled thinking I could work it out myself, but last night was bad, the things I said to her were awful, I feel so ashamed today of what I said, we made up and I said sorry and she forgave me, we are both totally in love with each other, it is not only one way, but the more this goes on then it will only end one way.... its like seeing a car crash before it happens........my mind feels like mashed potatoes and I have never felt like this before, it feels like I will break in to tears anytime, it is madness and the madness is that I know that........ I love my wife, more than anything else in the world and I would be suicidal if I lost her...

eviltwin

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I booked a counselor for next week but canceled thinking I could work it out myself, but last night was bad, the things I said to her were awful, I feel so ashamed today of what I said, we made up and I said sorry and she forgave me, we are both totally in love with each other, it is not only one way, but the more this goes on then it will only end one way.... its like seeing a car crash before it happens........my mind feels like mashed potatoes and I have never felt like this before, it feels like I will break in to tears anytime, it is madness and the madness is that I know that........ I love my wife, more than anything else in the world and I would be suicidal if I lost her...

If you were going to deal with it by yourself you would have done it by now. This won't just go away, if anything it may only get worse now your wife has a life of her own. Phone the counsellor on Monday and make another appointment. Whatever is driving these insecurities has nothing to do with your wife, it's all from you and I'm sure you know that. There is nothing she can do to make you feel better, you have to do this yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

ziggyman17 wrote: »

last night was bad, the things I said to her were awful, I feel so ashamed today of what I said, we made up and I said sorry and she forgave me,

She might forgive you, now. Once. It will still be on her mind though. Even though you apologised and she accepted, the words have been said. You can't unsay them. You really really need to get a hold of this. I don't understand why you say on one hand every day is getting worse, and on the other you cancelled your counsellor because you thought you could handle it yourself.

I'm worried that you will keep putting this off and in turn keep putting pressure on her to leave her job. I know you're admitting this is your problem, but if you don't seriously get help to get over it, then I'd hope your wife has a good friend she can trust and confide in. Because she's going to need one to let her know that she is not in anyway at fault.

5uspect

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I know so am I.... I am thinking, what if she finds new friends in work and I do not match up to them....... I do feel very in secure at times, but I have to say this takes the biscuit...........

So what if she meets new people and makes new friends, she's your wife, married to you, loves you and has decided to spend her life with you.
You're supposed to be equal partners here, her going out and getting a job is her catching up with you, not moving on. She's been stuck out of work for five years while you got to go out and work do all the things you are afraid she'll do.

Those working hours sound great, you're now both earning so your standard of living will improve and you still get to spend all afternoon together. Take up a hobby for those two short hours that you have to yourself or do the house work so she doesn't have anything to do when she gets home.

lawred2

5uspect wrote: »

So what if she meets new people and makes new friends, she's your wife, married to you, loves you and has decided to spend her life with you.
You're supposed to be equal partners here, her going out and getting a job is her catching up with you, not moving on. She's been stuck out of work for five years while you got to go out and work do all the things you are afraid she'll do.

Those working hours sound great, you're now both earning so your standard of living will improve and you still get to spend all afternoon together. Take up a hobby for those two short hours that you have to yourself or do the house work so she doesn't have anything to do when she gets home.

Doing the housework would have the added benefit of keeping this lad's mind occupied.

thierry14

You sound like you have some phobia man

Go see a professional, it's not normal behaviour, honestly if you live your wife get yourself treated

How was your childhood?

Many friends?

Have you been cheated on in the past by a lover?

What were you like when she was working 5 years ago?

Any kids?

Pets?

Gavinz

I get home two hours before my wife OP. I love the empty house and time to myself.

What's the issue?

bee06

Gavinz wrote: »

I get home two hours before my wife OP. I love the empty house and time to myself.

What's the issue?

The issue isn't what time his wife gets home. It's that she's working at all. He's afraid she'll meet more interesting / attractive people and leave him.

ziggyman17

bee06 wrote: »

The issue isn't what time his wife gets home. It's that she's working at all. He's afraid she'll meet more interesting / attractive people and leave him.

Thats the truth of it... horrible of me to think this way.

Ursus Horribilis

Pick up the phone first thing tomorrow and book that counsellor. Also, don't decide after one session that you're grand and don't need to go again. Going by the way you cancelled the first appointment before you even went, I can see you doing this.

Conor Bourke

ziggyman17 wrote: »

Thats the truth of it... horrible of me to think this way.

The irony of it is that if you don't find a constructive way of dealing with these feelings and continue to heap pressure upon your wife to be the sole source of your happiness, there's a high possibility of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy. Speaking as someone who was once in your wife's shoes, I know the pressure that your feelings place upon her. Initially I was supportive, I worried about him, tried to help him get over it but in the end it was too much. His thoughts and behaviour became worse, more controlling and isolating. I had to walk away for my own sanity. I was a shell of a person.

She loves you, she has chosen to be with you for the rest of her life but your outlook is incredibly unhealthy. Talking about ending your life if she ever left you is extremely worrying, but it gives a measure of exactly how distressed you are at the moment.

There are positives though- the fact that you can clearly see your feelings for what they are and don't feel justified or right for feeling the way you do (as some controlling and possessive people do). Also, that you're open to getting help is brilliant. Just try to remember that you need the help for YOU to be happy within yourself, please don't think that seeking help is just to prevent your wife from slipping from your clutches.

Best of luck, OP.

Loveinapril

ziggyman17 wrote: »

Thats the truth of it... horrible of me to think this way.

She loves you. She married you. Recognise that her behaviour shows you her feelings for you. Try to really notice that she loves you and keep telling yourself the reasons she does love you. Even if they are difficult for you to believe, repeat them to yourself when you are allowing your mind to go off on a tangent. Do not get into the self hatred cycle, keep changing your thought process as it happens. When you find yourself thinking "she likes her new colleagues better than me" immediately repeat to yourself "she loves me. She thinks I am kind. I am generous/ funny/ thoughtful/ helpful.. etc.".

You have certainly become dependent on her sitting around waiting on you so you need to fill your time so you BOTH have interesting things to talk about at the end of the day. Try to find a hobby and make new friends. As another poster says, don't quit therapy after one session. Commit for at least 6 weeks and really work at it.

ziggyman17

My wife has a big circle of friends as it is, which she sees now and again, but always keeps in touch with them on social media, the thoughts I am having are mad, me and my wife are madly in love with each other, always make sure we have date nights, and are always telling each other how much we love each other never argue... I do not know how these thoughts got into my head... but if I don't stop I could ruin things..

Ursus Horribilis

Ziggy, get professional help.

redfox123

If you don't deal with these thoughts now by speaking to a professional, and that's absolutely what you need to do, they will not go away, in fact they will get worse and the most innocuous thing will set them off and they will spiral and you will find yourself getting so angry at her for irrational reasons.
Think to yourself and be honest..have you thought about cheating on or leaving your wife? Have you thought that if someone came along that sparked your interest that you would just take the first chance you got to go behind your wife's back, deceive her, and then just leave her? If not, then why oh why do you think that badly of the person you claim to love? Do you think you love her more than she loves you? Do you feel inadequate? These are all the questions you need to find out with the help of the counsellor.

ziggyman17

redfox123 wrote: »

If you don't deal with these thoughts now by speaking to a professional, and that's absolutely what you need to do, they will not go away, in fact they will get worse and the most innocuous thing will set them off and they will spiral and you will find yourself getting so angry at her for irrational reasons.
Think to yourself and be honest..have you thought about cheating on or leaving your wife? Have you thought that if someone came along that sparked your interest that you would just take the first chance you got to go behind your wife's back, deceive her, and then just leave her? If not, then why oh why do you think that badly of the person you claim to love? Do you think you love her more than she loves you? Do you feel inadequate? These are all the questions you need to find out with the help of the counsellor.

No I have never thought about cheating on my wife, I would not even have a famous pin up crush, my wife is my pin up, I love her so much that I have never or would never look at another girl... this seems to be a self confident thing that I have.......

daisybelle2008

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I would not even have a famous pin up crush, my wife is my pin up, I love her so much that I have never or would never look at another girl...

That's not healthy. It's suffocating. You seem to have an idealised notion of love/romance and elavated your wife to some unrealistic goddess ideal. She is just a woman taking up a new job.
Were you with her long after your last relationship ended? Seems like you papered over the cracks of your last relationship by using this one to give you a sense of self. Instead of getting over your last one properly you've depended on a new one and person to save you..cracks are still there.

eviltwin

ziggyman17 wrote: »

No I have never thought about cheating on my wife, I would not even have a famous pin up crush, my wife is my pin up, I love her so much that I have never or would never look at another girl... this seems to be a self confident thing that I have.......

You are allowed to have a celebrity crush you know.....

It reads like you're overly invested in your wife emotionally, that you have a complete dependency on her to fulfil your emotional needs. It's toxic for both of you and unfair on her. She is not responsible for your happiness and peace of mind.

There is really nothing anyone here can say to you. You have issues far outside the scope of this forum. Please do make an appointment to see a counsellor and start taking ownership of your issues.

ziggyman17

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

That's not healthy. It's suffocating. You seem to have an idealised notion of love/romance and elavated your wife to some unrealistic goddess ideal. She is just a woman taking up a new job.
Were you with her long after your last relationship ended? Seems like you papered over the cracks of your last relationship by using this one to give you a sense of self. Instead of getting over your last one properly you've depended on a new one and person to save you..cracks are still there.

I stepped straight out my last relationship into this one, 1 month at tops....

Dial Hard

ziggyman17 wrote:

I stepped straight out my last relationship into this one, 1 month at tops....

Well that explains a lot.

You're completely fixated on your wife as some kind of totem representing the sole focus of your happiness.

Seriously, OP, take the advice of everyone here and get yourself into counselling ASAP. I feel so sorry for your wife. What a burden for her to have to carry.

ziggyman17

Dial Hard wrote: »

Well that explains a lot.

You're completely fixated on your wife as some kind of totem representing the sole focus of your happiness.

Seriously, OP, take the advice of everyone here and get yourself into counselling ASAP. I feel so sorry for your wife. What a burden for her to have to carry.

she has no burden to carry.. we love each other so much, its just that for the last 5 years we have lived in each others pockets, because she was out of work, now that she is gone back to work I will my self confidence disappearing, she was working when we meet and when we were married too, its not as if she has never worked when we have been together.......

bee06

ziggyman17 wrote: »

she has no burden to carry.. we love each other so much, its just that for the last 5 years we have lived in each others pockets, because she was out of work, now that she is gone back to work I will my self confidence disappearing, she was working when we meet and when we were married too, its not as if she has never worked when we have been together.......

Ok course she has a burden to carry. You have made her solely responsible for your happiness. Your world revolves around her. It's not healthy no matter how much you both love each other.

Big Bag of Chips

ziggyman17 wrote: »

she has no burden to carry..

She does though.

You have told her you're unhappy with her working. That you're unhappy with her being out of the house meeting new people. You said horrible things to her. She IS carrying a burden, and its a burden of trying to live the life that makes her happy but knowing that what makes her happy has you on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Living in each other's pockets isn't healthy. It's suffocating and controlling. Your wife IS carrying the burden of your happiness. Everything is on her shoulders. If you loved her, really really loved her you would want what is best for her and this thread wouldn't exist.

She is carrying the weight of your happiness, and the weight if your last relationship. It's very selfish of you and not at all fair on her.

Please make another series of appointments with a counsellor. It's not going to be easy for you. You are going to have to face some hard truths about yourself, but you need to do it. For both of you.

ziggyman17

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She does though.

You have told her you're unhappy with her working. That you're unhappy with her being out of the house meeting new people. You said horrible things to her. She IS carrying a burden, and its a burden of trying to live the life that makes her happy but knowing that what makes her happy has you on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Living in each other's pockets isn't healthy. It's suffocating and controlling. Your wife IS carrying the burden of your happiness. Everything is on her shoulders. If you loved her, really really loved her you would want what is best for her and this thread wouldn't exist.

She is carrying the weight of your happiness, and the weight if your last relationship. It's very selfish of you and not at all fair on her.

Please make another series of appointments with a counsellor. It's not going to be easy for you. You are going to have to face some hard truths about yourself, but you need to do it. For both of you.

Since we meet we have always spent 90% of our free time together, after we married my wife lost her job, I work short hours so it meant I arrived home at 1pm to my wife and we spent the whole day happily together, now that she had returned to work I feel anxious, I have friends but I perfer to spend all my time with my wife and so does she, I work alone and have little interaction with anybody, but a lot of the posts on here are right, I do need help..

eviltwin

ziggyman17 wrote: »

Since we meet we have always spent 90% of our free time together, after we married my wife lost her job, I work short hours so it meant I arrived home at 1pm to my wife and we spent the whole day happily together, now that she had returned to work I feel anxious, I have friends but I perfer to spend all my time with my wife and so does she, I work alone and have little interaction with anybody, but a lot of the posts on here are right, I do need help..

So have you decided to contact counselling services tomorrow or what cause this thread is starting to go around in circles.

lawred2

ziggyman17 wrote: »

she has no burden to carry.. we love each other so much, its just that for the last 5 years we have lived in each others pockets, because she was out of work, now that she is gone back to work I will my self confidence disappearing, she was working when we meet and when we were married too, its not as if she has never worked when we have been together.......

It seems like you want this thread to validate your decision not to do counseling. That's not going to happen. If you can't fathom the pressure and burden you put on her by requiring her to be the sole source of your happiness then you'll need a professional to help you see that.

Your problems in this case are not her's and they never should be. Love does not mean expecting someone to be your crutch. Your attitude is selfish and self centred. Get help.

Sound Bite

Ziggy, I find your posts heartbreaking because up until a few months ago I was in a relationship with someone who was struggling with the same thoughts and issues as you.

If you don't get the help you need, the situation will only get worse. I'm sure your wife loves you very much. She chose you, married you because she loves you and wants to be with you. She wouldn't have if she didn't. She made her choice because you obviously have many good qualities that she finds attractive. If only you could see yourself as she sees you.

Unfortunately, no matter how supportive she is, she will not be able to solve this for you by loving you alone. You need to address this yourself and with the benefit of professional expertise and possibly CBT to address your anxiety. If you don't seek help with this, your very fears of losing her will happen. Not because she doesn't love you but because she can't fix this for you.

You must also realise that you are wrong in thinking she has no burden to carry. She will worry about you, she'll try to support you, she'll try to fix this, she'll try to reassure you, she'll do everything she can to make it work because she loves you but she'll end up drained from fighting a losing battle if you don't start addressing this yourself.