Valentines night ruined...

Absolutely Raging

Right, need to vent this off my chest before I explode. Having my first Valentine's Day with my fiancée tonight. Not going out, decided we'd stay in and I'll cook a nice meal, dessert etc. Had a great morning, breakfast was lovely, exchanged cards and presents and all that. But as she was doing her hair she got a call off her younger brother, he has nowhere to stay tonight with his new girlfriend and asked to stay in our apartment.

Without running it by me, she told him they can have the spare room. And since then, I've been absolutely fuming. Not wanting to get in a big fight over it with the day that's in it, so I'm biting my tongue and not saying anything. Which has led to a tense day, not ideal. And it's basically ruined the nights plans. She's told him to go to the cinema so we can have dinner, so we'll have 2 hours to ourselves and they'll be back in the house.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not though? It just seems like the night is going to be an absolute pain now, and all I want to do is go to bed early and knock the whole thing off. I don't mind her brother too much, he's a few years younger than me and if he has drink in him gets very loud and messy, have never met his girlfriend.

Not exctaly the night I had planned. Rushing dinner before they get back, and hearing creaking in the spare room all night. How fu*king romantic :rolleyes:

The high horse brigade

<SNIP> no need to quote OP

Relax, just do what you can in two hours, be nice you'll reap the rewards. March the 14th is steak and blowjob day, a better day by far...

silverharp

I feel ya, when you put the effort in like that you want to enjoy the whole thing. maybe postpone and go to the movies too, it will be hard to shake the mood at this stage, at least you can zone out at the cinema

BreadnBuddha

You have bigger problems ahead of you than the other half letting her brother bunk up in the spare room.

Why let a minor bump in the road send you straight into a ditch, so to speak?

It's just another Hallmark day so why don't you get on with it and enjoy yourselves? FFS, it's 5:15pm. Have your dinner and take herself out for a few hours instead. It's not the end of the world, for any of ye.

In the most helpful way that you can interpret this;

You need to cop on to yourself.

kunst nugget

Seriously, it's only Valentine's Day… if her helping out her brother like this has you raging, you need to learn to take things calmer and the need to control things so tightly. I wouldn't rush your dinner, if they come back, they come back. I presume your plan wasn't to re-enact the fridge scene from 9 and a 1/2 weeks.

bee06

Take a deep breathe and think to yourself ... does it really matter if you do your nice dinner etc tomorrow rather than tonight because someone decided the 14th is Valentine's Day? Life is too short to get caught up with stuff like this in my opinion.

racso1975

It's easy to call it hallmark day or anyother day. Think the point is op made plans and had it built up in his head as being first Valentine's with fiance. I would say it's probably the fact that is changed so much with out consultation that's pissing him off. Or it could be that he feels his other half does not put as much emphasis on something that he obviously put a lot of thought into.

Clampdown

You're overreacting. You're staying in and they're going out, in all likelihood they'll be away more than 2 hrs, probably have a drink somewhere. If they have any sense knowing it's Valentine's day if you're cuddled up on the couch together with your fiancée they'll probably stay out of your hair and just go to the spare room when they get back.

You're acting like you made dinner reservations and she called the restaurant and said make it a table for 4 and invited the brother and gf along without telling you. Maybe she didn't think it would be a big deal to have them stay over since your plans were pretty low key anyway?

retro:electro

Ah stop. A total overreaction. If you make her feel guilty over this then that is really bad form.

listermint

It's valentine's day buddy.

It's a fabricated day , if you need a specific day if the year to dedicate some time to each other well then you've bigger problems..

Eamondomc

Ditch her, the thoughtless self centred yoke.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I can see why it's annoying that she didn't run it by you.

But at the same time, you said you didn't want a big row, so you said nothing, but now there's a bad atmosphere and the day is soured anyway. I'm presuming you've basically been in a strop? There are options other than row or strop.

Realistically it'll be more than two hours that they're gone, and unless ye were planning to christen every room, it's not going to be THAT disruptive.

Is it possible that you've decided to be as annoyed as possible because she didn't consult you? And would explaining your very reasonable annoyance and getting her input be a better way to deal with this, and other future issues?

Out of interest, do you have siblings and if so are ye close? Does she know that you prefer her brother in smaller, sober doses?

She was inconsiderate, and you're being a bit dramatic, is my take, and ye better learn to talk about these things if yere getting hitched.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you normally this angry when things don't go your way? I can understand why you'd be disappointed and a bit cheesed off. But raging to the point of explosion?

retro:electro

To be honest, if my brother or sister rang me and asked me could they stay in my house the answer would always be an absolute yes and it's not something I'd ever run past my partner nor him me. Why would I ask him if my own brother can stay a random night? Of course he can. And if I ever thought for one minute that I'd have to run something like that past him before answering then I'd know I'm in the wrong relationship.

whoopsadoodles

Ask yourself what benefit is it to either of you to be annoyed?

I can understand being disappointed but is fighting or even being short with your fiancé going to help anyone? Particularly yourself.

Are you going to stayed annoyed forever? If not then what's the point in being annoyed tonight of all nights?

Pick your battles. This is the tiniest issue in the grand scheme of things.

eviltwin

The only person ruining things is you OP. Why not tell your girlfriend how annoyed you are, I'm sure you'll find she isn't doing cartwheels at the thought of having guests either but if they genuinely have nowhere to stay what do you expect her to do?

Instead by silently fuming you've created a tension that is going to affect the rest of your night. I know guests will dampen your spirits but if you stopped being so childish you could make the most of the time you do have.

Valentine's obviously means something to you so I won't give you the Hallmark spiel but it is just an arbitrary day. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't turn out to be the most romantic day of your year.

MissShihTzu

If the boot were on the other foot, would the OP have been told he's overreacting? I doubt that...

I can understand why the OP is upset having gone to so much trouble. I think the fiancee should have run the idea of the relative staying over as a courtesy. After all, the OP lives there too! I wouldn't stand for it if my husband invited people to stay without running it by me first and neither would he. Basic common courtesy.

I think the OP should enjoy his night, and then have a quiet word with his fiancee. No need for a big row, but they need to be singing from the same hymn sheet.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

anna080 wrote: »

To be honest, if my brother or sister rang me and asked me could they stay in my house the answer would always be an absolute yes and it's not something I'd ever run past my partner nor him me. Why would I ask him if my own brother can stay a random night? Of course he can. And if I ever thought for one minute that I'd have to run something like that past him before answering then I'd know I'm in the wrong relationship.

I have younger siblings and get the "can I have a loan/a lift/a place to crash" calls very regularly. I tend to run it by my partner though, and I absolutely would if there were a partner who he'd never met thrown into the mix. Family is family but your home is your home as well.

There's no objectively right or wrong approach to the sibling situation, what's important is that people's expectations and standards are compatible and understood, and that's clearly not the case here.

eviltwin

Maybe the OP is assuming that the fiancee puts as much significance onto the day as he does......

A nice romantic dinner to him could just be dinner to her. She might not realise how much it means to him.

Eimee90

Originally i read this as your first valentines together but when I saw Fiancee......surely its just one night. If i were you, id suck it up. Its the little things like not losing the plot when spanners get thrown in the works that count, not huge romantic gestures, get my drift here?

If it means so much to you why not go along with it tonight, and on Saturday, surprise her by recreating tonight unbeknownst to her.

Sono

Jaysus talk about an over reaction OP, it's Valentine's Day ffs, get over it!

Sono

I see she is your fiancé, if this tips you over the edge you have a lot to learn in a relationship as there will many more curve balls thrown at you which are actually serious. Suck it up and move on.

anna080

anna080 wrote: »

To be honest, if my brother or sister rang me and asked me could they stay in my house the answer would always be an absolute yes and it's not something I'd ever run past my partner nor him me. Why would I ask him if my own brother can stay a random night? Of course he can. And if I ever thought for one minute that I'd have to run something like that past him before answering then I'd know I'm in the wrong relationship.

While I completely agree the op is overreacting (easy for me to say), he has made a date night with his other half, irregardless of the fact that it is a Hallmark holiday. But you are saying you would be totally fine hosting your brothers bootycall session at short notice, on an evening where you knew your other half had other plans. It's not like the bro is at a loose end or homeless, her bro is obviously going on a valentines date too and is looking for a bed.

The op is disappointed because his plans for a nice evening are being ruined cos of someone else's booty call

Ursus Horribilis

I strongly feel you need to have a chat with your fiancée about what happened here. Not tonight because you're clearly still extremely angry. Leave it until you feel calm enough to talk about it and not fly off the handle. I'm not seeing why her brother and this girlfriend needed your spare room other than for a Hallmark Day™ shag. Maybe it was a lapse of judgement on her behalf or something she felt she couldn't say no to. If it's the latter, then there are boundaries issues there. Is she in the habit of having family members stay with you without mentioning it?

artanevilla

Does the brother need the bed because he's nowhere to sleep, or because he has no where to do the diddly?

J Mysterio

Totally childish OP, grow up.

J Mysterio

anna080 wrote: »

To be honest, if my brother or sister rang me and asked me could they stay in my house the answer would always be an absolute yes and it's not something I'd ever run past my partner nor him me. Why would I ask him if my own brother can stay a random night? Of course he can. And if I ever thought for one minute that I'd have to run something like that past him before answering then I'd know I'm in the wrong relationship.

Boom

MissShihTzu

J Mysterio wrote: »

Totally childish OP, grow up.

It's childish to cook a meal, make plans for a nice evening, and then have unexpected guests landed on you? Really??

J Mysterio

MissShihTzu wrote: »

It's childish to cook a meal, make plans for a nice evening, and then have unexpected guests landed on you? Really??

Brother needs a hand, you help him out. Being an adult in the real world means that sometimes unexpected things happen and you have to deal with them. You don't have a little temper tantrum, throw all your toys out of the pram and 'rage' at your girlfriend.

So, yes, really.

eviltwin

MissShihTzu wrote: »

It's childish to cook a meal, make plans for a nice evening, and then have unexpected guests landed on you? Really??

No his reaction is childish. Being annoyed is one thing but saying nothing and letting an atmosphere fester is passive aggressive nonsense.

lawred2

Meh rather trivial stuff and to be honest would you prefer to have seen her brother on the street?

Calm down and get some perspective.

By being supportive of her and her family and not acting like a moody teenager you are more than likely to get good will back in spades... Act like a spoiled kid and you can start counting down to break up day.

Edit: I take that back actually. I didn't see that this brother needed a bed for himself and his missus. Are they really both stuck without a bed for tonight? Or is it that he is just looking for a safe gaff for a bit of riding..

If that's the case then yeah you're wholly within your rights to be annoyed. My bad.

But you should have dealt with it earlier. Biting your tongue serves no purpose other than for you to end up all wound up.

J Mysterio

J Mysterio wrote: »

Brother needs a hand, you help him out. Being an adult in the real world means that sometimes unexpected things happen and you have to deal with them. You don't have a little temper tantrum, throw all your toys out of the pram and 'rage' at your girlfriend.

So, yes, really.

No, if your brother needs genuine help, you help him out
But on Valentine's Day, where you have already made plans with your partner to celebrate it by staying in and having a meal, what you don't do is accept your bros request to use your spare room as a dungeon of filth so that he can have a perfect valentines night with his girlfriend, while totally sh?tting all over you and your partners plans

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

MissShihTzu wrote: »

It's childish to cook a meal, make plans for a nice evening, and then have unexpected guests landed on you? Really??

I think it is quite childish to spend the day 'fuming' and 'biting my tongue' to the point where the whole day has had a bad atmosphere, and just wanting to go to bed and write the whole evening off because it hasn't gone exactly to plan rather than make the best of it.

I can see why he's disappointed and annoyed, but the reaction is still pretty bad and cutting off your nose to spite your face.

MissShihTzu

J Mysterio wrote: »

Brother needs a hand, you help him out. Being an adult in the real world means that sometimes unexpected things happen and you have to deal with them. You don't have a little temper tantrum, throw all your toys out of the pram and 'rage' at your girlfriend.

So, yes, really.

No. Read the OP. The OP has yet to speak to his fiancee. Being an adult means dealing with the unexpected, but being an adult also means having the courtesy to know your boundaries, and to have respect for others living in the house. This wasn't 'unexpected' in the normal sense. It's not a big deal, but I would expect courtesy if people are looking to crash at my house and to show consideration. It's not a lot to ask.

Heat_Wave

artanevilla wrote: »

Does the brother need the bed because he's nowhere to sleep, or because he has no where to do the diddly?

This.

If it's to 'do the diddy' (lol btw!) then I'd be annoyed too. It's your house, your fiancé, you probably wanted to do the diddy with her but now that her brother will also be doing the diddy in the room next to you guys you feel like you have lost your diddyness. Totally get that.

I think your fiancé was rude and inconsiderate not to run this by you.

eviltwin

MissShihTzu wrote: »

No. Read the OP. The OP has yet to speak to his fiancee. Being an adult means dealing with the unexpected, but being an adult also means having the courtesy to know your boundaries, and to have respect for others living in the house. This wasn't 'unexpected' in the normal sense. It's not a big deal, but I would expect courtesy if people are looking to crash at my house and to show consideration. It's not a lot to ask.

Why is it a big deal? They are only having dinner at home. That's pretty normal run of the mill stuff. He's said they did the gift exchange this morning so maybe she isn't expecting it to be a big deal. It reads from the OP that it is him who is putting special significance on it being their first Valentine's as an engaged couple not necessarily them as a couple so depending on how they've done things in the past she might not see the day as the big deal he does.

Ursus Horribilis

If he's this wound up about it, I doubt his Valentine's night plans entailed having a bite to eat then settling down to watch BBC4 for the night.

lawred2

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If he's this wound up about it, I doubt his Valentine's night plans entailed having a bite to eat then settling down to watch BBC4 for the night.

Probably had backdoor plans

Special Circumstances

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If he's this wound up about it, I doubt his Valentine's night plans entailed having a bite to eat then settling down to watch BBC4 for the night.

Damn right. He needs to double down.
Only thing that can stop a good guy with a squeaky bed is a very very bad quy with a squeaky bed. Best defence is a good offence like.

Special Circumstances

lawred2 wrote: »

Probably had backdoor plans

I don't see why that should change. His house. Put his stamp on the evening before somebody else does.

Armchair Andy

Just go out for a walk yourself OP and have a think.
Calm down and make the most of the few hours ye have anyway.
Used to go to all lengths for Valentine's myself until it dawned on me the Mary couldn't give a fiddlers for the day.
Let her know you're miffed but don't stay angry.

MissShihTzu

eviltwin wrote: »

Why is it a big deal? They are only having dinner at home. That's pretty normal run of the mill stuff. He's said they did the gift exchange this morning so maybe she isn't expecting it to be a big deal. It reads from the OP that it is him who is putting special significance on it being their first Valentine's as an engaged couple not necessarily them as a couple so depending on how they've done things in the past she might not see the day as the big deal he does.

I never said it was a big deal. In fact, Why don't you read what I wrote in the beginning?? I said that the OP should enjoy his night and then speak to his OH later did I not?

I still think that, and still think that his OH and her family should show some consideration for the OP. No need for drama, just a discussion.

I'm out of this thread now. It's getting out of hand. I hope the OP and his fiancee enjoy their evening and find a resolution.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

eviltwin wrote: »

Why is it a big deal? They are only having dinner at home. That's pretty normal run of the mill stuff. He's said they did the gift exchange this morning so maybe she isn't expecting it to be a big deal. It reads from the OP that it is him who is putting special significance on it being their first Valentine's as an engaged couple not necessarily them as a couple so depending on how they've done things in the past she might not see the day as the big deal he does.

I'd say that's what it is. I doubt she was thinking 'Ah yeah, my fiancé is putting a lot of importance on this Valentine's day, but fcuk it, little brother needs a place to get the ride so I'll go ahead and piss off my fiancé'.

I can see both their perspectives. He wanted and had assumed that this would be a particularly romantic and intimate Valentine's day, put a lot of effort in, was excited, she altered the plans with no consultation and now he doesn't have the day he thought he'd have, feels underappreciated and disappointed.

She had a request from a sibling that she didn't think would be a big deal, wasn't thinking of the day the same he was and said yes and now she's got a stroppy fiancé and is probably trying to keep everyone happy.

There's a lot of things that could colour the situation either way. Maybe this is part of a bigger pattern of her prioritising her family over him or just generally changing plans without consultation (I nearly hope that's the case because it would explain to a certain extent what seems like a total overreaction). Maybe he's an only child or someone not close to his family who doesn't 'get' the sibling thing and puts more significance into his romantic relationship compared to someone who's very close to their family. Maybe he's just a plain control freak and finds himself in a sulk over minor changes regularly - if there is a silver lining or opportunity here it's the fact that he is at least questioning his reaction.

OP, you're fuming at her for ruining your first Valentine's day together as an engaged couple, but I'd be pretty confident that next year and for a number of years after she's going to be thinking 'god remember that year when he went mad because I let my brother crash in the spare room, he ruined the whole day with his mood and it started so nice'. You've mishandled this and as much of a cliché as it is this is really about communication and lack thereof.

WinnyThePoo

I would be too annoyed if plans where made and effort made to have a great night.

Brother bringing His girlfriend over for a booth call is a bit weird. What was the phone conversation between the sister and the brother like?

ted1

eviltwin wrote: »

Why is it a big deal? They are only having dinner at home. That's pretty normal run of the mill stuff. He's said they did the gift exchange this morning so maybe she isn't expecting it to be a big deal. It reads from the OP that it is him who is putting special significance on it being their first Valentine's as an engaged couple not necessarily them as a couple so depending on how they've done things in the past she might not see the day as the big deal he does.

Nice dinner romantic night, few drinks, getting frisky on the coach , counter floor , I can see why he's upset

kunst nugget

Just keep shouting out your fiancee's name and moaning loudly throughout the night to make sure the brother doesn't get a wink of sleep and is put off doing any nookie himself as revenge.

jimmycrackcorm

OP your OH did you a favour. When you've had as many years marriage under your belt as I have you'll be glad not to get the constant moaning about why you couldn't be romantic like you used to be at the start.

pablo128

Should've fcuked €100 at the brother and told him to find a hotel.

And that you want the €100 back next week.

laserlad2010

I think the language used is OTT by OP, but putting myself in his position I'd be quite annoyed.

Its not her place, its their place. He has just as much a right to decide who gets to stay there as she does. I don't doubt for a second that if it was a random Tuesday night and he was asked in advance he'd say yes, even if he wasn't the brothers biggest fan.

For those lady contributors - you're trying to tell me that if your man mentioned to you yesterday afternoon that his brother was gonna stay over to do the deed after you had organised a romantic dinner and the works, " it's family" and you'd be fine about it?!

Either pull the other one, or PM me - low maintenance FTW:rolleyes::rolleyes:

OP, you should have just flat out raised your objections, if you had any. I've found in life that if you simply speak your mind without getting angry or emotional, you'll feel way better about yourself. For years I bottled responses down because I wanted to seem accommodating and it brought me no joy.

woodchuck

I can see why you'd be annoyed OP, but it is an overreaction.

What's done is done, so just have a chat with your fiance about future expectations, letting her know that in future you'd like to make decisions about house guests together (unless someone is absolutely stuck off course, which doesn't seem to be the case here).

Bandana boy

Need more info on why Brother is staying
If it is it he lives at home and wants a fvckpad ?

Or is it he is up/back in Dublin for plans and could not rent a room.

That would color my response , either way if you have plans she should consult with you .
I think as well you should say that annoys me at the time rather than have strop and let it fester , I mean if she has the kind of relationship with her little brother were she facilitates him getting the ride (and I assume washes his sheets afterwards) she must be comfortable with Frank and open discussions