My Friends Think Im Gay

Harib0

Hi boards users. Hoping for some advice here

I am a married 31 year old guy and I have experienced severe social anxiety issues since I was a teenager. Of late one thing that has progressively gotten worse is the feeling that a number of friends seem to be of the opinion that i am secretly gay or in the closet (probably due to my social awkwardness).

On numerous occasions I have been the subject of pointed comments concerning my clothing (i dress well), I have also had comments made about my behaviour in the past (whilst not overtly masculine I could be described as having effeminate mannerisms at times). Finally, I have one close friend (who i have known for about 20 years) who seems to find it funny to call into question my sexuality almost every time we are in a large group i.e. "so....when are you planning on coming out" etc

As you can imagine I find these comments very difficult to handle for 2 reasons:

1) It heightens my anxiety as I hate being the centre of attention

and

2) I tend to laugh it off as I don't want to be seen to make a big deal about it for fear of "protesting too much"

Of course I have no problem with gay people myself and would have absolutely no issues if I was of that persuasion but I am a happily married man!

I find the scrutiny to be overwhelming in that i feel it undermines my credibility as a man and makes me question what sort of friends I actually have.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

gifted

Get a new friend...

_Brian

TBH what's happening is they can see your under pressure and their enjoying piling on the pressure and seeing you squirm.
Honestly I'd start moving on.

Start by blanking the worst offenders, it's likely they being bullies don't fully understand the impact it's having. It might make them take notice. But I find dickheads like that never change.

kunst nugget

If the same guy keeps doing it turn it back on him - 'Why do you keep asking that, Ted? Do you fancy me or something… Look, I'm flattered and all but I'm a happily married man and I don't actually fancy men like you do.' Keep it light to show you're joking, it'll deflect from you and should shut the fecker up. If he reacts badly he'll only make himself look a fool.

eviltwin

Complete dickish behaviour to make a show of you like that in public just to make you feel uncomfortable. Get new friends. He's no respect for you or your wife ( can't be easy for her if she's aware of this). Get rid asap.

goz83

Real friends treat you with respect. Real friend have your back and don't stab you in the back. Better off leaving the trash behind and spend your time with people who matter. Might seem hard at first, but it will be well worth it.

irishgrover

Instead of going nuclear and burning bridges etc...why not just talk to your friend. He may be of the opinion that you also think its funny and you enjoy the banter. I suggest you make it clear to him that you don't, it makes you uncomfortable, and it adds to your social anxiety.
If he is a friend he will listen to you and act accordingly. If he does not, then **** him, he's an arsehole

goz83

irishgrover wrote: »

Instead of going nuclear and burning bridges etc...why not just talk to your friend. He may be of the opinion that you also think its funny and you enjoy the banter. I suggest you make it clear to him that you don't, it makes you uncomfortable, and it adds to your social anxiety.
If he is a friend he will listen to you and act accordingly. If he does not, then **** him, he's an arsehole

A friend would already know. Burn that bridge to the ground!

endacl

If your friend is of a similar vintage to yourself, OP, I'd simply suggest, to his face and in company, that his sense of humour is about 15 years out of date, and that perhaps it's past time he stopped presenting himself as a juvenile idiot.

I'd leave it at that.

Nesta99

HariBO it isnt going to be easy but you will have to put yourself centre of attention to put an end to this in a manner that has been suggested in the post above. Or you stop associating with these people. Are they married and happy? I would think not by the way they seem to think it is ok to behave like this, that lack maturity and probably resent that fact that you are happily married. I would be far more inclined to question the sexuality of the person who constantly questions the sexuality of others or another. For the short time I lived in Kerry it seemed the done thing for lads to call someone/everyone 'gay'. It was like an obsession and it was a bit odd and childish (as an aside to your experience).

irishgrover

goz83 wrote: »

A friend would already know. Burn that bridge to the ground!

I don't know about that.....my wife, on occasion, will make jokes in public about my "coming out" at some point....e.g. this weekend, went I wanted to go to LaLaLand....I know it's a joke, she knows it's a joke, others know it's a joke and no one thinks I'm offended, cause I'm not...... If I asked her to stop, she would…
everyone is different

Harib0

Thanks for the advice. As dickish as this "friend" is being we have always had a friendship based on piss taking so I will avoid the nuclear reaction. I guess I will just have to wait for the next occasion he does it and try to address it with him at the time.

My main problem in doing that is it will more than likely be when we are with a group of people - i can imagine his retort will be something along the lines of "why are you getting so upset? Of course i'm only joking but now im having my doubts"

Public speaking is not my strong point and I can see myself going red and being even more embarrassed

eviltwin

Harib0 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. As dickish as this "friend" is being we have always had a friendship based on piss taking so I will avoid the nuclear reaction. I guess I will just have to wait for the next occasion he does it and try to address it with him at the time.

My main problem in doing that is it will more than likely be when we are with a group of people - i can imagine his retort will be something along the lines of "why are you getting so upset? Of course i'm only joking but now im having my doubts"

Public speaking is not my strong point and I can see myself going red and being even more embarrassed

Don't wait for it to happen again, give him a call and explain how it's affecting you. Does he know about your anxiety? A bit of banter is one thing but when it's impacting on your confidence it's gone way too far.

goz83

irishgrover wrote: »

I don't know about that.....my wife, on occasion, will make jokes in public about my "coming out" at some point....e.g. this weekend, went I wanted to go to LaLaLand....I know it's a joke, she knows it's a joke, others know it's a joke and no one thinks I'm offended, cause I'm not...... If I asked her to stop, she would…
everyone is different

That was kind of my point. Your wife is joking and knows that you know it's a joke. She knows you...she's your wife and friend. She wouldn't make jokes that hurt your feelings even if there were the slightest bit of doubt.

Bandana boy

Have a word with him on the side , We do the same to a guy in our group and it comes from jealousy.
He has looked after himself better than the rest of us and our logic is that only gay men stay fit and dressing fashionable as they get older. Once he understood it was a backhanded compliment (do mates ever really do any other kind of compliment ) he quite likes it and joins in with the ribbing .

goz83

Bandana boy wrote: »

Have a word with him on the side , We do the same to a guy in our group and it comes from jealousy.
He has looked after himself better than the rest of us and our logic is that only gay men stay fit and dressing fashionable as they get older. Once he understood it was a backhanded compliment (do mates ever really do any other kind of compliment ) he quite likes it and joins in with the ribbing .

Are you the friend?

Bandana boy

goz83 wrote: »

Are you the friend?

Certainly nobody accusing me of being fit and well dressed !:eek:

kunst nugget

goz83 wrote: »

That was kind of my point. Your wife is joking and knows that you know it's a joke. She knows you...she's your wife and friend. She wouldn't make jokes that hurt your feelings even if there were the slightest bit of doubt.

The thing is, if the OP has never told the friend different and laughs it off, how is the friend going to know there's a problem.

Arghus

Sounds like asshole behaviour from "friends".

goz83

kunst nugget wrote: »

The thing is, if the OP has never told the friend different and laughs it off, how is the friend going to know there's a problem.

A close friend wouldn't need to be told. They would know if something annoys you or makes you feel uneasy.

I had a friend who became annoyed whenever people mentioned anything about council areas and so the usual jokes and generalisations were a subject I avoided. We would regularly slag eachother and have good banter. But when push comes to shove, you know who your friends are not.

kunst nugget

goz83 wrote: »

A close friend wouldn't need to be told. They would know if something annoys you or makes you feel uneasy.

I had a friend who became annoyed whenever people mentioned anything about council areas and so the usual jokes and generalisations were a subject I avoided. We would regularly slag eachother and have good banter. But when push comes to shove, you know who your friends are not.

Your friend got annoyed about it though so you knew to avoid it. If the OP isn't getting visibly annoyed and laughing along with it due to his social anxiety and not wanting to make a scene it is quite possible that the friend might not know there's an issue.

Potatoeman

One up him. Start call him x the pedo, even when he's not there and see how he likes it.

blindside88

I'd have a quiet word with your friend OP. He probably doesn't realise how it's affecting you. Myself and my friends spend most of our time slagging each other about various things especially when we're out for a few drinks with just the lads. We range in ages from late 20's to early 40's and everything is open for slagging. However if one of the lads had a quiet word with any of us and said something was a sore subject we'd be sure to have a word with the rest to say it's off the table. Don't go nuclear straight away

listermint

blindside88 wrote: »

I'd have a quiet word with your friend OP. He probably doesn't realise how it's affecting you. Myself and my friends spend most of our time slagging each other about various things especially when we're out for a few drinks with just the lads. We range in ages from late 20's to early 40's and everything is open for slagging. However if one of the lads had a quiet word with any of us and said something was a sore subject we'd be sure to have a word with the rest to say it's off the table. Don't go nuclear straight away

This soundest advice there.

People genuinely can't read minds.

Pawwed Rig

blindside88 wrote: »

I'd have a quiet word with your friend OP. He probably doesn't realise how it's affecting you. Myself and my friends spend most of our time slagging each other about various things especially when we're out for a few drinks with just the lads. We range in ages from late 20's to early 40's and everything is open for slagging. However if one of the lads had a quiet word with any of us and said something was a sore subject we'd be sure to have a word with the rest to say it's off the table. Don't go nuclear straight away

This is great advice imo. In many circles almost nothing is beyond the pale. I Don't agree with dumping your friends over it. Just a quiet word saying to lay off the gay stuff a bit as it is stressing you.

manonboard

Harib0 wrote: »

Of course I have no problem with gay people myself and would have absolutely no issues if I was of that persuasion but I am a happily married man!

I find the scrutiny to be overwhelming in that i feel it undermines my credibility as a man

Can you explain how being gay undermines your credibility as a man?

If have male DNA, you are a male.
If you choose your gender identification as a man, you are a man.

If i may suggest changing your thinking to drop thinking like having effeminate mannerisms and associating them with 'gayness'. It might help you see the absurdity of the view, and that of your friends giving a toss about your sexuality.

If your friend is straight and male, you can easily and openly ask him why he is so interested in another man's sexuality every time you meet him. It'll link the joke back to his own insecurities which will be highlighted then every time he mentions it and will quickly desist. Likely your lad mates will laugh and take the piss out of him when you say it, and that'll sort that social interaction out. Tell him it doesn't matter, that your not interested in him, and you wish he'd stop thinking about your sexuality so much. It might just embarrass him into shutting the hell up if he is so insecure as to give this much of a toss. Maybe he could spend less time thinking about your sexuality and maybe spend more time enjoying his own like you do with your wife.

Or you could just tell him to stfu and that it's creepy to keep talking about someones sexuality. That you'd be quite content being gay if you were, because your not a bigot or homophobic. If you are totally fine with the idea of being with another man if you fancied it, then state so to them. I imagine it would shut them the hell up and their stupid remarks.

beans

Give him the best blowjob he's ever had, and then we'll see who's gay

Wibbs

Beans. no more of that. The guy was looking for serious answers. You're here long enough to know that's not on.

manonboard

OP, I echo the sentiments of a good few posters here. Just have a word. Your mate probably thinks it's harmless banter.

manonboard wrote:

If have male DNA,
you are a male. If you choose your gender identification as a man, you are a man.

You can't choose to be male.

lawred2

Harib0 wrote: »

Hi boards users. Hoping for some advice here

I am a married 31 year old guy and I have experienced severe social anxiety issues since I was a teenager. Of late one thing that has progressively gotten worse is the feeling that a number of friends seem to be of the opinion that i am secretly gay or in the closet (probably due to my social awkwardness).

On numerous occasions I have been the subject of pointed comments concerning my clothing (i dress well), I have also had comments made about my behaviour in the past (whilst not overtly masculine I could be described as having effeminate mannerisms at times). Finally, I have one close friend (who i have known for about 20 years) who seems to find it funny to call into question my sexuality almost every time we are in a large group i.e. "so....when are you planning on coming out" etc

As you can imagine I find these comments very difficult to handle for 2 reasons:

1) It heightens my anxiety as I hate being the centre of attention

and

2) I tend to laugh it off as I don't want to be seen to make a big deal about it for fear of "protesting too much"

Of course I have no problem with gay people myself and would have absolutely no issues if I was of that persuasion but I am a happily married man!

I find the scrutiny to be overwhelming in that i feel it undermines my credibility as a man and makes me question what sort of friends I actually have.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Why is he so eager to see you coming out? Maybe he's in love with you.

Either way - he needs to have a long look at himself.

However, I'm not sure why it really bothers you? What does it make you anxious?

kunst nugget

lawred2 wrote: »

However, I'm not sure why it really bothers you? What does it make you anxious?

He says he suffers from social anxiety. Something that puts him in the spotlight like that is going to heighten his anxiety.

lawred2

kunst nugget wrote: »

He says he suffers from social anxiety. Something that puts him in the spotlight like that is going to heighten his anxiety.

So anything at all that directs attention to him will make him feel uncomfortable?

kunst nugget

lawred2 wrote: »

So anything at all that directs attention to him will make him feel uncomfortable?

Depends on the severity of it but if he was worried about being slagged for being gay then it wouldn't help him much with his anxiety.

mad about nuts

lawred2 wrote: »

Why is he so eager to see you coming out? Maybe he's in love with you.

Either way - he needs to have a long look at himself.

However, I'm not sure why it really bothers you? What does it make you anxious?

My thoughts exactly....put him under scrutiny for a change ans say something about him harrassibg you about it all the time and then just turn it round on him by saying something like.."why all the interest in me,Are you in love with me" and then in a firm voice say that you are happily married.....

He is a prat though to make you feel awkward in company.

frostyjacks

Men josh each other; it's entirely healthy and normal, and no offence is intended or to be taken.

I'm not sure having a word would help. It would make you seem a little bit precious, and friends would think twice about inviting you to social gatherings if they thought you'd be so affected by some gentle banter.

mad about nuts

frostyjacks wrote: »

Men josh each other; it's entirely healthy and normal, and no offence is intended or to be taken.

I'm not sure having a word would help. It would make you seem a little bit precious, and friends would think twice about inviting you to social gatherings if they thought you'd be so affected by some gentle banter.

Not really the best group of friends to have so,if they stop inviting you out because you question their behaviour!

lawred2

frostyjacks wrote: »

Men josh each other; it's entirely healthy and normal, and no offence is intended or to be taken.

I'm not sure having a word would help. It would make you seem a little bit precious, and friends would think twice about inviting you to social gatherings if they thought you'd be so affected by some gentle banter.

hmmm

not much of a group of friends were they to do that

kunst nugget

frostyjacks wrote: »

Men josh each other; it's entirely healthy and normal, and no offence is intended or to be taken.

I'm not sure having a word would help. It would make you seem a little bit precious, and friends would think twice about inviting you to social gatherings if they thought you'd be so affected by some gentle banter.

Any of the guys that I'll hang around with indulge in slagging but if someone had an issue with something they were being slagged about we'd drop it straight away and apologise if it upset them. We wouldn't drop them as a friend. That's all kinds of shítty.

frostyjacks

kunst nugget wrote: »

Any of the guys that I'll hang around with indulge in slagging but if someone had an issue with something they were being slagged about we'd drop it straight away and apologise if it upset them. We wouldn't drop them as a friend. That's all kinds of shítty.

Wouldn't have to drop them, just consider if it's in his best interests to be at a social event when he feels awkward.

Maybe trying to address his awkwardness first before getting his friends to change their behaviour would be the best course of action.

kunst nugget

frostyjacks wrote: »

Wouldn't have to drop them, just consider if it's in his best interests to be at a social event when he feels awkward.

Yes, the best way to treat a friend is to exclude them…

mad about nuts

frostyjacks wrote: »

Wouldn't have to drop them, just consider if it's in his best interests to be at a social event when he feels awkward.

Maybe trying to address his awkwardness first before getting his friends to change their behaviour would be the best course of action.

It sounds like your placing him at fault for feeling awkard rather than adressing the behaviour of his friends!

frostyjacks

kunst nugget wrote: »

Yes, the best way to treat a friend is to exclude them…

The best way to treat a friend is to do whats best for them. The root cause here is his social anxiety, so there's no point asking his friends to change how they interact with him if this problem isn't addressed. It'll only crop up again further down the road. If you can't identity the problem, you'll never come up with a solution.

kunst nugget

frostyjacks wrote: »

The best way to treat a friend is to do whats best for them. The root cause here is his social anxiety, so there's no point asking his friends to change how they interact with him if this problem isn't addressed. It'll only crop up again further down the road. If you can't identity the problem, you'll never come up with a solution.

So are you telling me that if a friend opened up to you and said he suffered from social anxiety, rather than try and be empathetic and accommodate him, you wouldn't invite him out until he 'sorted himself out'? Do you not think giving him a welcoming environment to socialise in would be a better option? Isolating someone because of their social anxiety is really an awful thing to do and would make things even worse for them.

Knex*

Bit harsh to be telling OP to ditch his friend based on his opening post. It could simply be OP turning up, dressed well, and the friend then saying, "When are you coming out man?". Yeah, it can be crap humour, but its often easily deflected and/or dealt with as its nearly always harmless.

The friend could actually be a good mate aside from that. 20 years is a lot to tell someone to ditch on a whim with feck all knowledge or consequences for those behind the keyboard.

In Ireland we grow up and go through school with a lot of our male interactions being predicated on giving each other abuse. Can be great fun, but lacks any substance once you're out of secondary school, really. But it also means that this is often the default thought process when meeting up with all our old friends again in a group.

Either accept that, and start responding with things like, "When are you getting a dress sense", or even telling the friend that his humour is secondary school standard, or have a quiet word with the man later on, explaining how you hate when he does it because it puts you at the center of attention, which isn't exactly your forte.

If he can't get on board with that, then you can start thinking about putting distance between ye.

you cannot possibly be gay or even camp, you stated you hate being the centre of attention simples!!!!!!!!!!!!!

manonboard

Deleted User wrote: »

You can't choose to be male.

Did i say otherwise? I said you can choose your gender, not your sex.

you can chose your gender? I'm all ears. is this more of the let's not alienate the Transgender community now??

I wold think you're gender comes naturally with your sex.

frostyjacks

kunst nugget wrote: »

So are you telling me that if a friend opened up to you and said he suffered from social anxiety, rather than try and be empathetic and accommodate him, you wouldn't invite him out until he 'sorted himself out'? Do you not think giving him a welcoming environment to socialise in would be a better option? Isolating someone because of their social anxiety is really an awful thing to do and would make things even worse for them.

You can't go through life expecting people to accommodate you. Let's say you start a new job and have to socialise with your new colleagues, the same issues are going to arise.

If it was an incurable medical condition I'd say fine, ask your friends to accommodate you. But it's a disorder that is treatable in many different ways.

Same as if an overweight friend told me they were fed up with jibes about being obese. Best thing would be to encourage him to lose weight, not just kick the can down the road.

goz83

manonboard wrote: »

Did i say otherwise? I said you can choose your gender, not your sex.

Oh Dear God.........I'm not coming back. :pac:

johnnyskeleton

Harib0 wrote: »

On numerous occasions I have been the subject of pointed comments concerning my clothing (i dress well), I have also had comments made about my behaviour in the past (whilst not overtly masculine I could be described as having effeminate mannerisms at times). Finally, I have one close friend (who i have known for about 20 years) who seems to find it funny to call into question my sexuality almost every time we are in a large group i.e. "so....when are you planning on coming out" etc

I would agree with the others who have said distance yourself from this friend. Dont necessarily have a fight or break away, just be less inclined to give them your time or attention in future. Ignore them - not in the overt "im snubbing you" kinda way, just focus your attention on other friends who are kinder.

Maybe in different circumstances having a quiet word would make sense. Classic example if someone makes boorish remarks about disabilites and one of your family members is disabled. In that situation, apart from being in poor taste generally, they might not realise youre specifically offended by it.

The scenario you describe, however, sounds for all the world like someone who is deliberately trying to take a cut off you. It would be different if there was an element of you both being in it, but if its one sided needling then its coming from a bad place on his part.

Thats my two cent on the friend, but I wanted to say something about the clothes as well. If you dress well and enjoy dressing well you should own that. If you were 18 and dressing in a three piece suit it might seem odd amongst your pals in jeans and hoodies, but at 31 there is nothing unusual about wearing a shirt and blazer to the pub etc. If someone takes you to task over it point out to them that youre an adult and so wear adult clothes.

Generally, but not exclusively, people wear good clothes when they are successful in their careers etc. People who arent doing so well can often resent this. It wouldnt surprise me if this guy is jealous of your success and is trying to reshape reality to suit his narrative that your success makes you less of a man. It wont work. Its always funny when people like that realise that reality is the part of life which, even when you stop believing in it, stubbornly refuses to go away.

con___manx1

If any guy ever asks the question. Are you gay ? The response you should give is . Why are you looking for a piece of my ass.