Boyfriend holiday with female friend

Phee_Bee

Hi, my boyfriend is due to go away with a female friend of his soon. They are close friends and have been for a long time now. The trip was booked prior to us meeting and was not specifically planned to just be the two of them it is just how it has worked out. They have previously slept together - once not long after they met but have said there has been nothing since.
Is it a situation that can be trusted? Or should it be assumed the attraction that was there could resurface?

gumbo1

Can you not book for the same trip and head away with them? Has you bf asked you not to go? Other than the one time they slept together, which I assume your bf admitted or told you about, has there been anything to raise your suspicion that their relationship is anything but platonic?

Conor Bourke

Phee_Bee wrote: »

Hi, my boyfriend is due to go away with a female friend of his soon. They are close friends and have been for a long time now. The trip was booked prior to us meeting and was not specifically planned to just be the two of them it is just how it has worked out. They have previously slept together - once not long after they met but have said there has been nothing since.
Is it a situation that can be trusted? Or should it be assumed the attraction that was there could resurface?

I'm in exactly that situation right now except I'm the female friend. I can't claim to speak on your boyfriend's friend's behalf but in my case I am looking forward to having some company for the journey and while there, but I am booking a single room for myself, and plan to spend time doing my own thing as much as hanging out with him. I have zero interest in having sex with my friend ever again and more to the point- I am a decent human being who has no desire to get with a guy who has a girlfriend and would hope that your boyfriend's friend is the same.

Have you met this girl before? Do you trust your boyfriend?

Phee_Bee

I asked him outright when it came clear it was just the two of them going have they slept togther before and he was honest and said yes once.
I did ask him how come he hasn't even suggested that if I went on the trip, he said that it genuinely didn't occur to him to ask. I wouldn't be able to go anyway. But it was on my mind that he wasn't asking as deep down he was happy it was just the two of them going.

bmwguy

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I asked him outright when it came clear it was just the two of them going have they slept togther before and he was honest and said yes once.
I did ask him how come he hasn't even suggested that if I went on the trip, he said that it genuinely didn't occur to him to ask. I wouldn't be able to go anyway. But it was on my mind that he wasn't asking as deep down he was happy it was just the two of them going.

I'm normally not one to think positively about partners telling each other who they can or cannot spend time with but if my partner presented this situation to me I would not be happy and it would be a walk away situation.

irishguy1983

Phee_Bee wrote: »

Hi, my boyfriend is due to go away with a female friend of his soon. They are close friends and have been for a long time now. The trip was booked prior to us meeting and was not specifically planned to just be the two of them it is just how it has worked out. They have previously slept together - once not long after they met but have said there has been nothing since.
Is it a situation that can be trusted? Or should it be assumed the attraction that was there could resurface?

Jeez - this is a tricky one....I think you just have to trust the person - can't really demand they cancel holiday...On the flip side if I were the boyfriend I would be making effort to maybe make extra contact with you on the holiday - a way of saying 'look I understand you are uncomfortable with this but I'm just contacting you on a regular basis to let you know you are the one for me'.....Of course something may happen but unfortunately I think you just have to try and accept this....

SteM

Men and women can be platonic friends. They slept together once, he says they never did it again. Do you have any reason to disbelieve him? He booked the holiday before he met you, just let him go and enjoy himself.

the_pen_turner

how long are ye together.

silverharp

it all looks above board so there isn't anything for you to do , either you trust him or you don't and if you don't you should breakup with him anyway if you were to have such a low opinion of him.

Phee_Bee

the_pen_turner wrote: »

how long are ye together.

Not too long nope, so that's why was wondering is it better to cut our losses or see what happens ��

Phee_Bee

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Jeez - this is a tricky one....I think you just have to trust the person - can't really demand they cancel holiday...On the flip side if I were the boyfriend I would be making effort to maybe make extra contact with you on the holiday - a way of saying 'look I understand you are uncomfortable with this but I'm just contacting you on a regular basis to let you know you are the one for me'.....Of course something may happen but unfortunately I think you just have to try and accept this....

I would never demand or even want him to cancel the holiday. From talking to friends and family they seem to take it for granted that something will happen and I'm being foolish to think otherwise.

elefant

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I would never demand or even want him to cancel the holiday. From talking to friends and family they seem to take it for granted that something will happen and I'm being foolish to think otherwise.

They don't know him, you do.

It's tricky because you're not together that long, so you might not be as confident in him as you might be after a few months together, but I think it would be more foolish to just assume something is going to happen. That's certainly not a given.

Phee_Bee

SteM wrote: »

Men and women can be platonic friends. They slept together once, he says they never did it again. Do you have any reason to disbelieve him? He booked the holiday before he met you, just let him go and enjoy himself.

No I don't have any reason to disbelieve him and I do want him to go enjoy himself of course. I just don't want to be made look foolish becasue it is a slightly werid situation watching your boyfriend go on what could seem like a couple holiday with a woman he was previously with.

BetsyEllen

What are the sleeping arrangements?

SteM

Phee_Bee wrote: »

No I don't have any reason to disbelieve him and I do want him to go enjoy himself of course. I just don't want to be made look foolish becasue it is a slightly werid situation watching your boyfriend go on what could seem like a couple holiday with a woman he was previously with.

But you said that he has known her a long time and they slept together when they first met. If you take them at their word that means they haven't slept together for a long time. If they're close friends they would have seen each other at parties and various social events and had plenty of chances to hook up together before he met you. If they didn't up until now then why would anyone think they would now?

It's a weird situation but only you can answer whether you completely trust him or not.

meeeeh

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I asked him outright when it came clear it was just the two of them going have they slept togther before and he was honest and said yes once.
I did ask him how come he hasn't even suggested that if I went on the trip, he said that it genuinely didn't occur to him to ask. I wouldn't be able to go anyway. But it was on my mind that he wasn't asking as deep down he was happy it was just the two of them going.

Nobody wants to be a third wheel traveling together with a couple. I've done it before and while they were considerate I wouldn't do it again. U would not impose my partner on a friend.

I was also in the same situation as your bf, I had a month's trip booked woth a good friend before I met my bf. There was no history between us and no desire on either side for anything to happen. I went on the trip, nothing happened and 12 years later I am still in a happy relationship with him.

I think it would be unfair to expect your bf to cancel on a friend. If he wants to cheat on you at the beginning of relationship there is no future for you two anyway and it's better to find out now.

BetsyEllen

I personally wouldn't like it.
I think it's disrespectful of your boyfriend to go away with her and that's the part that would bother me the most - that he hasn't considered your feelings, it didn't cross his mind to ask you to go too etc.

I have a very close male friend. We've been away together before and slept in the same bed in the past, we topped and tailed and there was nothing in it.
We've never had and never will have feelings for each other.

However despite this, if I were to have a boyfriend I wouldn't share a bed with my male friend or go away with him on holiday with just him again.
I wouldn't want my partner to feel awkward and I would respect their feelings towards it. I just wouldn't let it happen. And my male friend would complete understand that; it would be the same if he had a girlfriend.

The fact that he is going away with her with little thought of how you may feel about it, that would be enough for me to wish him well and walk away.

Phee_Bee

BetsyEllen wrote: »

What are the sleeping arrangements?

I dont know. Possibly hotel, possibly air bnb, possibly hostel?

Phee_Bee

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I personally wouldn't like it.
I think it's disrespectful of your boyfriend to go away with her and that's the part that would bother me the most - that he hasn't considered your feelings, it didn't cross his mind to ask you to go too etc.

I have a very close male friend. We've been away together before and slept in the same bed in the past, we topped and tailed and there was nothing in it.
We've never had and never will have feelings for each other.

However despite this, if I were to have a boyfriend I wouldn't share a bed with my male friend or go away with him on holiday with just him again.
I wouldn't want my partner to feel awkward and I would respect their feelings towards it. I just wouldn't let it happen. And my male friend would complete understand that; it would be the same if he had a girlfriend.

The fact that he is going away with her with little thought of how you may feel about it, that would be enough for me to wish him well and walk away.

I don't like the situation as it is obviously very uncomfortable, but it was booked before we met. I did wonder why it never crossed his mind as that made me doubt the sincerity over it being totally innocent.

I don't feel he is giving little thought to it, I do think he is fully aware of how it looks and how I am seeing it and understands why their are concerns.

Phee_Bee

Cornelius Crow wrote: »

I'm in exactly that situation right now except I'm the female friend. I can't claim to speak on your boyfriend's friend's behalf but in my case I am looking forward to having some company for the journey and while there, but I am booking a single room for myself, and plan to spend time doing my own thing as much as hanging out with him. I have zero interest in having sex with my friend ever again and more to the point- I am a decent human being who has no desire to get with a guy who has a girlfriend and would hope that your boyfriend's friend is the same.

Have you met this girl before? Do you trust your boyfriend?

It's an awkward situation. No I have not met her, as I don't think it would be fair to meet her when there is a potentitally awkward or uncomfortable situation going on.
I do trust him, but past expereinces in past relationships have shown me that even when you trust someone that doesn't mean they deserved it.

frostyjacks

The gentlemanly thing would have been to invite you along as well, or else cancel the holiday. It was booked when he was single, but now circumstances have changed. If he doesn't see how taking a former sexual partner on holiday while leaving his current gf at home is an issue, what else isn't an issue for him?

Phee_Bee

meeeeh wrote: »

Nobody wants to be a third wheel traveling together with a couple. I've done it before and while they were considerate I wouldn't do it again. U would not impose my partner on a friend.

I was also in the same situation as your bf, I had a month's trip booked woth a good friend before I met my bf. There was no history between us and no desire on either side for anything to happen. I went on the trip, nothing happened and 12 years later I am still in a happy relationship with him.

I think it would be unfair to expect your bf to cancel on a friend. If he wants to cheat on you at the beginning of relationship there is no future for you two anyway and it's better to find out now.

I wouldn't ever have considered going, I would feel like the 3rd wheel on their trip. It was never anything I wanted, I just thought becasuue he never even considered the idea that he possibly was happy about it being just the two of them.

I think the fact they have history between them changes the dynamics of the situation. If she was a purely platonic friend I would still probably not like them going away together but would not be anywhere near as uncomfortable as I am knowing that there is something there.

I do not want him to cancel in anyway, that has never been suggested or on the table. It was more I felt it was better to end the relationship now instead of having to struggle through what is a very uncomfortable situation.

BetsyEllen

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I dont know. Possibly hotel, possibly air bnb, possibly hostel?

No, I meant what are their sleeping arrangements - separate rooms?
This is the first question I would have asked him!

Phee_Bee

frostyjacks wrote: »

The gentlemanly thing would have been to invite you along as well, or else cancel the holiday. It was booked when he was single, but now circumstances have changed. If he doesn't see how taking a former sexual partner on holiday while leaving his current gf at home is an issue, what else isn't an issue for him?

I worry about that too, where are the boundries of what is and isn't going to be appropriate while he is away? Of course before he goes I can ask him to be respectful while away but ultimately he can do whatever he wants and there is no way of knowing for sure.

Ave Sodalis

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I do trust him, but past expereinces in past relationships have shown me that even when you trust someone that doesn't mean they deserved it.

I think this is quite an unhealthy way of looking at things. Yes, some people cheat. It doesn't mean everyone cheats or that you should be applying it to your new boyfriend automatically.
You said you aren't together long, but I'm going to guess it's really not long at all if they had a holiday booked before you met, and you haven't met the person he knows well enough to go on holiday with.
As others have said, you either trust him or you don't. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Phee_Bee

BetsyEllen wrote: »

No, I meant what are their sleeping arrangements - separate rooms?
This is the first question I would have asked him!

He says it will be seperate rooms yes.

Ursus Horribilis

BetsyEllen wrote: »

No, I meant what are their sleeping arrangements - separate rooms?
This is the first question I would have asked him!

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask either. Things have changed since the holiday was booked and he should respect that.

Xeyn

From what's been said no one has done anything wrong. You said you've not been together very long and some people aren't comfortable going on holiday with someone they've just started seeing.

What exactly have you got to lose by trusting him and seeing what happens? If he cheats then that's the relationship over. If he doesn't, then you still have a potential long term partner who you now trust more. Doesn't really make sense to me to end the relationship. But if it's going to make you insane for the time they're away only you can judge if he is worth it.

Phee_Bee

sup_dude wrote: »

I think this is quite an unhealthy way of looking at things. Yes, some people cheat. It doesn't mean everyone cheats or that you should be applying it to your new boyfriend automatically.
You said you aren't together long, but I'm going to guess it's really not long at all if they had a holiday booked before you met, and you haven't met the person he knows well enough to go on holiday with.
As others have said, you either trust him or you don't. Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I understand that not everyone cheats, but I also think there is certain situation that you can put yourself in where it is more likely to happen and I feel that is one of those situations.

Not together that long but will be long enough by the time he actually is going if we decide to try ride this situation out. I personally don't want to meet the person he is going with just yet as I don't think it is right to meet her when it could potentially make for an awkward or uncomfortble situation. That wouldn't be fair on her, me or my boyfriend.

BetsyEllen

I feel for you OP, this is a horrible situation to be in.

I have to say that if it was me I would walk away.
It just wouldn't sit right with me but everyone is different.

You said 'Of course before he goes I can ask him to be respectful while away' but really, is that necessary? If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. You asking him to behave himself won't change what he's going to do.

He's already being disrespectful by going away with another girl that he's previously been sexual with, regardless of it being booked before you met or not.

I'm surprised she's even entertaining it - I wouldn't go away with my male friend, even if his girlfriend said it was OK.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's telling that even though you can't go. Couldn't go. Don't want to go, you still wanted him to ask you!

Look, as SteM says, they've known each other a long time and nothing romantic has ever happened between them. I'd say they slept together when they just met/didn't really know each other, and realised it wasn't going anywhere and have been part of a group of friends ever since. You're not together long. How long exactly? I can see why he didn't think to ask you on the holiday. I know, personally, I wouldn't be keen on going on a holiday with a boyfriend in the very early days. Weekends away, maybe, but a holiday is a bit more. You need to know someone and be fairly comfortable with them!!

This holiday was booked before he started going out with you. I think cancelling the holiday would be ridiculous. 2 people losing out on a lot of money because of a perceived slight on a very new gf? No. It's your choice whether or not you want to continue being his gf. Stop thinking about how it looks to others or other people's opinions. Think only of you and him. Do you like him? When he comes home would you like to continue seeing him?

The answers to those questions will be your answer.

It's nobody else's business.

Ave Sodalis

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I understand that not everyone cheats, but I also think there is certain situation that you can put yourself in where it is more likely to happen and I feel that is one of those situations.

Not together that long but will be long enough by the time he actually is going if we decide to try ride this situation out. I personally don't want to meet the person he is going with just yet as I don't think it is right to meet her when it could potentially make for an awkward or uncomfortble situation. That wouldn't be fair on her, me or my boyfriend.

You're making this out to be a far bigger deal than it is.

What is it you want, OP? For him to not go on holiday? For him to take you with him? For him to cut that friend out of his life? What if it the future they go for drinks together? What if they meet up for lunch? What if they do other things normal friends do but you're uncomfortable with it because you made him tell you that they slept together years ago?

BetsyEllen

sup_dude wrote: »

You're making this out to be a far bigger deal than it is.

What is it you want, OP? For him to not go on holiday? For him to take you with him? For him to cut that friend out of his life? What if it the future they go for drinks together? What if they meet up for lunch? What if they do other things normal friends do but you're uncomfortable with it because you made him tell you that they slept together years ago?

To be fair, meeting for lunch/drinks is a bit different to going away, just the 2 of them together, alone for a week or so.

Phee_Bee

sup_dude wrote: »

You're making this out to be a far bigger deal than it is.

What is it you want, OP? For him to not go on holiday? For him to take you with him? For him to cut that friend out of his life? What if it the future they go for drinks together? What if they meet up for lunch? What if they do other things normal friends do but you're uncomfortable with it because you made him tell you that they slept together years ago?

No I don't want any of those things at all, I want him to go, enjoy himself and for them to continue being friends. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is their past together and the fact they'll be alone on what seems like a couples holiday. I just wanted advice on how we could handle the situation as it's been a issue for two months now back and forth arguing.

Ave Sodalis

BetsyEllen wrote: »

To be fair, meeting for lunch/drinks is a bit different to going away, just the 2 of them together, alone for a week or so.

If they're going to cheat, they're going to do it anyway. A night out, just the two of them presents the same opportunities as a holiday away, just the two of them. If they felt anything more sexual towards each other, why act on it now that one of them is in a relationship? Why wait years?

Big Bag of Chips

Phee_Bee wrote: »

. I personally don't want to meet the person he is going with just yet as I don't think it is right to meet her when it could potentially make for an awkward or uncomfortble situation. That wouldn't be fair on her, me or my boyfriend.

It will only be awkward if you allow it to be.

Reading your posts I'd say save yourself the heartache and just end it. Continuing the relationship with your suspicions and worries to me is the thing that wouldn't be fair on her, you or your boyfriend.

daisy123

The holiday was booked before you were ever on the scene. They are obviously really good friends and nothing has happened between them in years, what makes you think that is going to change? Is this their first trip away together? Would you have similar thoughts if it was a male friend? If not, why not?

I think if you are this mistrustful of him already, then you will never be happy with this friendship. Do you want him to only have you as the only female in his life forever? Maybe better to cut him loose, but do not blame him,it's all on your insecurities. I've gone away with friends before, male and female, while in a relationship and while single and never once have I hooked up with any of them...or even had it cross my mind. They are my friends. Just being in holiday isn't going to change that.

Are you just looking for an excuse to get out of it and blame him? Or maybe you want to stay with him? Book yourselves a nice weekend away too and look forward to it if so. And then treat yourself to a trip away with your pals.

LegacyUser

I've been the female friend in this case with my best friend. We travel a lot together as it's something we both are obsessed with. We were going back packing across the US together which was a trip that we planned for several months in advance and he started dating someone a month before going. There was no way I wanted her coming along because she made it clear she had no interest in any of the activities we had planned and only wanted to come to 'keep an eye on him' She came to see us off and made a giant show of crying, then called all the time and then claimed to be pregnant so he left the trip early (she was of course lying and they didn't last much longer) Fast forward five years and we are planning a trip to Asia for two weeks and he starts seeing a new girl. I get a call saying new girlfriend wants to come along on trip, I ask bluntly is she coming because she wants to travel or because she doesn't trust him with his female friend. Says she is as obsessed with travel as us and I trust my friends judgement. We had a ball the three of us and another five years later they are married and the three of us still travel as much as we can together (just back from a safari in Africa and already planning south america)

End of the day OP you either trust him or you don't, only you can answer that. No one can say yes or no if there is something between them, I will say lots of men and women can be friends, even ones who've had sex in the past but society trains us to think it's not possible. I'm not surprised he didn't ask you to come along on the trip after dating for such a short period, unless you looked to join because it was somewhere you had always wanted to go the only reason to join was to keep an eye on them and make her feel like a third wheel. He was up front and honest about the situation so its up to you OP but if the whole situation is going to gnaw at you then end it, it's not worth stressing yourself over

BetsyEllen

Phee_Bee wrote: »

No I don't want any of those things at all, I want him to go, enjoy himself and for them to continue being friends. The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is their past together and the fact they'll be alone on what seems like a couples holiday. I just wanted advice on how we could handle the situation as it's been a issue for two months now back and forth arguing.

If you've been arguing for 2 months over this, it's obviously bothering you a lot.
And if you've not been together long then 2 months is a large chuck of time you've wasted on bickering.

Who needs that in the early days of a relationship!

You want options, and you have 2:
1. End it
2. Stay with him, decide you are not going to argue about this anymore and just let him go.
You may always wonder if anything happened and probably feel like absolute crap whilst they're away but that's a choice you need to make for yourself.

If all other other parts of your relationship are absolutely fantastic then maybe it's worth it. Only you can decide it.

Phee_Bee

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think it's telling that even though you can't go. Couldn't go. Don't want to go, you still wanted him to ask you!

Look, as SteM says, they've known each other a long time and nothing romantic has ever happened between them. I'd say they slept together when they just met/didn't really know each other, and realised it wasn't going anywhere and have been part of a group of friends ever since. You're not together long. How long exactly? I can see why he didn't think to ask you on the holiday. I know, personally, I wouldn't be keen on going on a holiday with a boyfriend in the very early days. Weekends away, maybe, but a holiday is a bit more. You need to know someone and be fairly comfortable with them!!

This holiday was booked before he started going out with you. I think cancelling the holiday would be ridiculous. 2 people losing out on a lot of money because of a perceived slight on a very new gf? No. It's your choice whether or not you want to continue being his gf. Stop thinking about how it looks to others or other people's opinions. Think only of you and him. Do you like him? When he comes home would you like to continue seeing him?

The answers to those questions will be your answer.

It's nobody else's business.

We've been together a few months and his trip is still a few months off. I don't want him to cancel the holiday that's not even on the table. Would sooner just end the relationship.

Phee_Bee

daisy123 wrote: »

The holiday was booked before you were ever on the scene. They are obviously really good friends and nothing has happened between them in years, what makes you think that is going to change? Is this their first trip away together? Would you have similar thoughts if it was a male friend? If not, why not?

I think if you are this mistrustful of him already, then you will never be happy with this friendship. Do you want him to only have you as the only female in his life forever? Maybe better to cut him loose, but do not blame him,it's all on your insecurities. I've gone away with friends before, male and female, while in a relationship and while single and never once have I hooked up with any of them...or even had it cross my mind. They are my friends. Just being in holiday isn't going to change that.

Are you just looking for an excuse to get out of it and blame him? Or maybe you want to stay with him? Book yourselves a nice weekend away too and look forward to it if so. And then treat yourself to a trip away with your pals.

They've been away in groups but this is the first time it will be just them from what I know. No I don't for a second want to be the only female in his life I have no issue with him having female friends at all. It's just the dynamic of this situation that I'm uncomfortable with. I would prefer to stay with him if managing this situation for easier.

Big Bag of Chips

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I don't want him to cancel the holiday that's not even on the table. Would sooner just end the relationship.

Well that's your answer then. It's not fair on him to argue about something that was booked before you even knew each other. If he started going out with you and then booked a holiday with her that would be different. And if the holiday is months away and you still have no intention of joining them then him asking you or not is a moot point and just something else for you to pick on. There were meant to be a few others going away too, and that didn't work out. Not the fault of either of them and why should the miss out on something they were looking forward to, individually?

2 months of arguing over something that shouldn't be an issue is a sign. End it now or stop arguing. Because if you can't accept it then you might as well end it anyway, or if you continue arguing he'll just end it.

lifeandtimes

He's been upfront about this holiday,he's told you what the story is,they slept together way before you haven't since,he's with you a now and their sleeping arrangements are separate rooms so he's doing everything by the book.

Would you have a problem if his job sent hi away with a female colleague in separate rooms,most people probably not.

If you been fighting about for 2 months and have only been together a few months I would have cut you off,you seem insecure and need validation from him which he has given you

You've two options

End it and let him go and be happy not having to worry about his new gf at home being upset about a trip he organised before she was on the scene

Let him go and sort out your insecurities and you'll feel better,if he cheats it may not come to light straight away but it usually has a way of rearing it's head and if he doesn't and keeps in contact to let you know he's thinking about you then you've got yourself a keeper you know you can look forward to having around for a long times

Phee_Bee

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well that's your answer then. It's not fair on him to argue about something that was booked before you even knew each other. If he started going out with you and then booked a holiday with her that would be different. And if the holiday is months away and you still have no intention of joining them then him asking you or not is a moot point and just something else for you to pick on. There were meant to be a few others going away too, and that didn't work out. Not the fault of either of them and why should the miss out on something they were looking forward to, individually?

2 months of arguing over something that shouldn't be an issue is a sign. End it now or stop arguing. Because if you can't accept it then you might as well end it anyway, or if you continue arguing he'll just end it.

That's true it's not fair to continue arguing. I understand it was booked before he knew me. I feel he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me without first telling me that this was happening down the line.

lifeandtimes

Phee_Bee wrote: »

That's true it's not fair to continue arguing. I understand it was booked before he knew me. I feel he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me without first telling me that this was happening down the line.

There's no rules or checklist he must thick off to let you know things before you get in a relationship that this is happening

Would be quite weird if you had been on a date or 2 and he says "oh by the way I'm going on a holiday with a girl I slept with years ago in a few months,hope your ok with that as I need to let you know all this before we get into a relationship."

Bit mad isn't it?

Look at the positives,it was organised before you met,he told you about it,other people pulled out,they are sleeping in separate rooms and he's up front,he sounds decent,I'd say trust him and look forward to him coming back dying to see you

Phee_Bee

It was organised before he met me and it did come up that he was going on a trip, where I assumed it was a group of them going, was only a couple of months later when I asked how many of them were actually going that it was just him and her.

Big Bag of Chips

You're being sketchy about the exact length of time you're together! You've been arguing about this for 2 months!! How long have you been together? How long were you together, in a relationship before he told you? Do you think he should not have dated anyone until after the holiday? Or do you think on a first date, with any girl he went on a date with he should have said "Hi, I'm John, just so you know, I'm going on holiday in a few months with a female friends of mine, so if you don't want to continue the date, that's fair enough?"

I think you should end it, OP. You're not happy and I think whatever he does about this situation you won't be happy. Might be better if you jump before you're pushed!

BetsyEllen

OP when you are arguing about this, what's being said?

You're telling us that you want him to go and want him to have a good time etc but if you're arguing over it for 2 months, that paints a different picture.

What is there to argue about if he's not going to cancel? It's very black and white after that.
When you say that cancelling is not on the table, do you know that because you asked him and he said no?

Also does he realise you are thinking of breaking up with him over this? I wonder if he knows how serious this is becoming for you and if he knew he was possibly going to lose you, would he think differently about going.

osarusan

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I feel he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with me without first telling me that this was happening down the line.

At the time you two started a relationship, had the original members already been whittled down to just the two of them?

LegacyUser

BetsyEllen wrote: »

If you've been arguing for 2 months over this, it's obviously bothering you a lot.
And if you've not been together long then 2 months is a large chuck of time you've wasted on bickering.

Who needs that in the early days of a relationship!

You want options, and you have 2:
1. End it
2. Stay with him, decide you are not going to argue about this anymore and just let him go.
You may always wonder if anything happened and probably feel like absolute crap whilst they're away but that's a choice you need to make for yourself.

If all other other parts of your relationship are absolutely fantastic then maybe it's worth it. Only you can decide it.

Totally agree with this and BetsyEllen's other quotes. If I was in the situation where I had booked a holiday with a guy (whom I'd had relations with) before I met a guy I liked, my decision to cancel the holiday would rest on how much I liked the new guy. If I thought he was a keeper, I would cancel the holiday because I wouldn't want him to have doubts about our relationship. It doesn't matter whether or not it would be right for him to have doubts, I wouldn't want to run the risk of him having doubts, especially if I really liked and respected him. I wouldn't want to risk him walking away either, and I really wouldn't blame a guy (or girl) for walking away from a situation such as the one you outlined in your OP.

So as BetsyEllen said, you have two options. If I was in your position I would end it because you are already having doubts as evidenced by this thread. It's grand to listen to advice saying 'Ah sure it's a platonic friendship' etc, but if deep down you think something isn't right, pay attention to that feeling. Furthermore, if your boyfriend does go on the trip it is very possible you well end up harbouring resentment over this, not a nice feeling to have. He could be pure as the driven snow and have no notions of doing anything, but that doesn't really help you when you have doubts about the whole thing! As another poster said, if he thinks it's acceptable for his new girlfriend to have very valid doubts about this trip, what else does he think is acceptable? You are asking for a bit of certainty, and he is not providing it in the way he should (by cancelling the trip). Major red flag to be honest because it looks like he thinks your feelings aren't important.

Phee_Bee

osarusan wrote: »

At the time you two started a relationship, had the original members already been whittled down to just the two of them?

Only the two of them booked it, other people were invited as far as I know.