Staying over the night

ricardo1

I'm seeing a girl on and off about 2-3 months and occasionally I sleep over the night in her apartment. Maybe once or max twice a week some weeks.
I'm working long hours and I really can only stay over about once a week as my workplace is an hour from her place and then the following day at work I'm exhausted.
If I'm off the following day it's not a problem.
If I'm working I just can't.
She can't stay over in my house as getting back to her apartment is very difficult taxi fare and location.

So now the problem is she get's upset if I say I can't stay over whatever night.

This is when we break up (she breaks up with me) and probably we'll be back again talking next week.

It's wrecking my head.

I really like her but her little tantrums do my head in when I say I can't stay over.
She thinks I'm getting tired of her. Tried explaining but no good.

Help please?

Froshtbit

All you can do is reassure that you want her but you're not able to handle the commute from hers. It's not that you dont want to a sleeping with her i always preferable to sleeping alone.

Surely you dont work everyday. Why not arrange to stay when you're off?

On another note, immature women are exhausting.

woodchuck

I wouldn't have thought an hour commute to work was very long or unusual tbh. If it's an issue though, could you just make sure to get to bed at a more reasonable hour the night before when you stay over with her?

Although her attitude towards it all is more worrying than the issue of staying over itself. Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone can't talk through the issue in a mature manner to come to a resolution?

silverharp

Run, she sounds mental. Can you imagine having to make any serious decisions in the future?

JeffKenna

An hour of a commute doesn't sound that unreasonable unless it's shift work starting at 6/7am....

Ursus Horribilis

What age is your girlfriend? Has she ever had a boyfriend before? Because the way she's behaving, she is coming across with the maturity of a national school kid. This really shouldn't be an issue at all. An inconvenience, yes. A disappointment at times, yes that too. But a reason to throw tantrums and break up???

This is exactly the sort of issue that any functioning couple would find a work-around for. Would you be OK with staying over in her place if certain things changed? Like going to bed earlier or taking steps to ensure you get enough sleep?

Really though, if she's throwing her toys out of the pram over something like this, then how do you think she'll cope in the future with the very many other issues that life throws at your average couple? You can learn a lot from a person from how they behave when things don't go their way.

ricardo1

JeffKenna wrote: »

An hour of a commute doesn't sound that unreasonable unless it's shift work starting at 6/7am....

It's not the hour of a commute. It's that I normally get about 5 hours sleep in her place coupled with an hour back to my place on top of getting ready for work.

I work 55 hours a week.

There's the problem.

cruais

ricardo1 wrote: »

It's not the hour of a commute. It's that I normally get about 5 hours sleep in her place coupled with an hour back to my place on top of getting ready for work.

I work 55 hours a week.

There's the problem.

Have you said the above to her word for word

njs030

ricardo1 wrote: »

It's not the hour of a commute. It's that I normally get about 5 hours sleep in her place coupled with an hour back to my place on top of getting ready for work.

I work 55 hours a week.

There's the problem.

Well cutting out going back to your place before work would help perhaps? Unless you have a pet that needs feeding or some pressing need to do that it seems unnecessary.

It does sound like you both need to find a compromise. Either go to bed earlier and go straight to work or don't see each other during the week.
I agree with the others that she does need to grow up and throwing a tantrum and breaking up over minor things like this is quite worrying!

JeffKenna

ricardo1 wrote: »

It's not the hour of a commute. It's that I normally get about 5 hours sleep in her place coupled with an hour back to my place on top of getting ready for work.

I work 55 hours a week.

There's the problem.

5 hours sleep is too little alright. Just tell her you need more sleep and go to bed earlier. Surely it's not that difficult?

ricardo1

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What age is your girlfriend? Has she ever had a boyfriend before? Because the way she's behaving, she is coming across with the maturity of a national school kid.

She's 27 and divorced.

This is exactly the sort of issue that any functioning couple would find a work-around for. Would you be OK with staying over in her place if certain things changed? Like going to bed earlier or taking steps to ensure you get enough sleep?

Very difficult when I'm with her as we see each other only once a week at the moment and I'm very very fond of her.

Really though, if she's throwing her toys out of the pram over something like this, then how do you think she'll cope in the future with the very many other issues that life throws at your average couple? You can learn a lot from a person from how they behave when things don't go their way.

I agree but everything else is perfect with her. Just the staying over part.

nhunter100

One word 'run'.

ricardo1

nhunter100 wrote: »

One word 'run'.

Thanks for that one but not easy when you're very fond of someone.

Ursus Horribilis

If you can only see her once a week or so and you're working such long hours, maybe things aren't as perfect as you think they are? I think you're glossing over something that could prove to be a very serious issue long term. Neediness, tantrums, maybe even manipulation.

carolmon

ricardo1 wrote: »

Very difficult when I'm with her as we see each other only once a week at the moment and I'm very very fond of her.

what do you do the one night a week you see each other? Do you go out? Do you have sex and then leave?

If so I can kind of understand why she is annoyed about it...........she might be feeling a bit used

neonsofa

Does she work? If you offered to go halves on her taxi fare would she stay at yours?

ricardo1

carolmon wrote: »

what do you do the one night a week you see each other? Do you go out? Do you have sex and then leave?

If so I can kind of understand why she is annoyed about it...........she might be feeling a bit used

No we don't spend just one night having sex. Or me leaving after sex. We go out all day Saturday or Sunday. Go places, eat out and have great fun.

It's just spending the nights I can't that she wants me and it drives her nuts!

Ursus Horribilis

Why did her marriage end?

Sound Bite

You are seeing each other max 3 months and she's already breaking up with you within that time and having temper tantrums?

Surely life is too short to put up with such childish nonsense?


Run......reg flags everywhere!

Tigger99

Normally I'd suggest compromise in terms of you staying at hers and vice versa but not here. When you can't stay during the week not only does she act like a child but she breaks up with you? Repeatedly?

You can be very fond of her but where's your self respect? I wouldn't go back to someone who kept breaking up with me especially for such a stupid reason. How do you both deal with conflict?

jon1981

Sounds needy ... run for the hills.

Big Bag of Chips

ricardo1 wrote: »

.....not easy when you're very fond of someone.

Fair enough, but she doesn't seem all that fond of you if she can break up with you so easily and so often. Or is it because she knows you're a soft touch who'll keep going back to her?

Someone who uses breaking up with you as a tool when she doesn't get her own way is a nightmare. This is over something particularly small and insignificant.what happens when she comes up against a real problem? She gets divorced?? Did she get married and divorced in Ireland? If so she'd have to be separated 5 years to get divorced. So does that mean she was married and separated all by the age of 22? She seems quite impulsive. Married, divorced, break up with you every couple of weeks. Act first, think about it later. Of course some people can make mistakes when they are young and learn from them and grow up. She seems to just be repeating the pattern. The more you keep allowing her to treat you like that, the more she will treat you like that.

Your choice, but I know what I'd be doing.

ArKl0w

If you like her
Go halves on her taxi fare
Sorted

Tigger99

ArKl0w wrote: »

If you like her
Go halves on her taxi fare
Sorted

He said that the taxi fare was expensive and hard to get. Tbh the staying over is a side issue, her response to the situation is a huge red flag.

ricardo1

Thanks for the advice folks. Thought I was losing my marbles and see now she's obviously very needy and has issues. Probably lonely and affected by the divorce.

Think I'll move on

The End.

nuckeythompson

Eject button, serious issues there

Airyfairy12

She sounds really immature, needy and inconsiderate to her partners needs, that will never change. Breaking up with you because you wont completely inconvenience yourself to suit her demands is immature, manipulative and seems extremely bratty.
Shes not used to people saying no to her is she? or shes a warped view of relationships and for some reason thinks she should be your top priority. Has she offered to go visit you during the week?

LegacyUser

From what you have told us about her she sounds like someone who thinks the world should revolve around her and her needs. She is 27 and already divorced. Perhaps she rushed into her marriage, wanted the big day out and wanted a family. When day to day life kicked in she may have found this to hard to cope with.

The reality is your and her are a couple a short period of time. Why is she braking up with you because you can't spend a few nights a week with her? Does she have friends? Does she have a social life? What does she do the evening and nights you not around?

I would taking the advice of other people here and calling it a day with her. The reality is that if she is like this now how will she cope if anything bad was to happen.

At this stage I would say to her that you want to end things and be honest about the reason why. I would say to her x I had some good times with you but I can't deal with your needness. In fact x I would advise you to get help with this. She won't be happy to hear this but unless she works on this things will remain the same for her.

DukeOfTheSharp

Kinda sounds like an early-stage abuser, and given the fact that she's 27 and already divorced, she's not exactly looking like stable woman. Get out OP, you're not losing your mind, this just isn't ok. It's unhinged behavior.

Xterminator

Sorry but i think OP is being a drama queen.

Really you couldnt plan in advance and go to work from hers. you need to go home 1st? Honestly if the relationship isn't for you that fine. but to lose a woman that might be your life partner because you want to get to bed a little earlier, once a week ?

My mind boggles.

I suspect OP isnt overly enamoured with current relationship and this situation is a symptom not a cause.

neonsofa

Xterminator wrote: »

Sorry but i think OP is being a drama queen.

Really you couldnt plan in advance and go to work from hers. you need to go home 1st? Honestly if the relationship isn't for you that fine. but to lose a woman that might be your life partner because you want to get to bed a little earlier, once a week ?

My mind boggles.

I suspect OP isnt overly enamoured with current relationship and this situation is a symptom not a cause.

Or the girlfriend could plan in advance and have a taxi booked specifically for the location and time she needs and that takes the difficulty out of getting a taxi for her. They can take turns to pay for the taxi or go halves seeing as they both benefit from it (by seeing each other).

Big Bag of Chips

I think if he drives then paying an expensive taxi is ridiculous. I do think that he could be organised enough to go to work straight from her house. But I think the biggest problem here is her breaking it off with him every couple of weeks when things aren't going her way.

neonsofa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think if he drives then paying an expensive taxi is ridiculous. I do think that he could be organised enough to go to work straight from her house. But I think the biggest problem here is her breaking it off with him every couple of weeks when things aren't going her way.

True but driving still incurs costs and op also then has to do the additional organising etc in order to commute when he could just as easily pay towards the fee and not have to be the one getting up earlier etc. which he seems to have issues with. I mean relationships are all about compromise and meeting each other half way especially when it comes to making time for each other so I don't see why they can't take it in turns to be the one compromising. But his girlfriend seems to want him to make all the sacrifices and it's her way or no way it seems.

Ursus Horribilis

If the OP is a drama queen, where does that leave his girlfriend? You could argue that he should have done x and y. But she was the one who was throwing the tantrums and breaking up repeatedly with him. It is an issue that could easily be solved. You've got to ask how compatible they are when such a non issue leads to breakups. He also didn't tell us why her marriage ended. You've got to ask why someone is already divorced at the tender age of 27 and why the marriage ended.

neonsofa

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If the OP is a drama queen, where does that leave his girlfriend? You could argue that he should have done x and y. But she was the one who was throwing the tantrums and breaking up repeatedly with him. It is an issue that could easily be solved. You've got to ask how compatible they are when such a non issue leads to breakups. He also didn't tell us why her marriage ended. You've got to ask why someone is already divorced at the tender age of 27 and why the marriage ended.

Plenty of people have multiple failed relationships under their belt by that age. Hers just happened to include a marriage. I don't think it necessarily "has to be asked". I've had two relationships where I thought we'd marry, I can thank my lucky stars now that we didn't but if we had married in good faith I'd be divorced now by the same age, it isn't an indication of anything other than the relationships didn't work out. Her partner could have cheated or any number of scenarios that led to their break up. Having said all that I wouldn't be surprised if it was down to similar behaviour!

Big Bag of Chips

neonsofa wrote: »

True but driving still incurs costs

A thirty euro taxi fare would equate to about €3 fuel for the OP. If his gf (ex) doesn't drive then I can see why staying over in his house midweek wouldn't be feasible. If he drives and she doesn't it would make much more sense for him to stay at hers or at least be on hand to drop her home the next day rather than expect her to get a taxi.

But that's a side issue, I believe. The real issue is the constant breaking up over a minor issue.

ricardo1

Xterminator wrote: »

Honestly if the relationship isn't for you that fine. but to lose a woman that might be your life partner because you want to get to bed a little earlier, once a week ?

My mind boggles.

I suspect OP isn't overly enamoured with current relationship and this situation is a symptom not a cause.

She's returning to her home country in June of this year (Visa restrictions and studies finish) and only tells me now! Yes I did ask before what her long term plans were and no she didn't tell me she's returning to her home country. As you may have guessed she's not an Irish national divorcing so young.

So she got a little mean during the week saying pretty nasty things about me being selfish etc. Then she said the temper tantrums were a way to try and make me hate her and make it easier for us to end us a couple.

So there you go. She was never going to be my life partner and she knew it. She said she was developing feelings for me so much so it was becoming more painful every day knowing that leaving in June was going to be the end.

Big Bag of Chips

ricardo1 wrote: »

Then she said the temper tantrums were a way to try and make me hate her and make it easier for us to end us a couple.

Bull!

Say your goodbyes now, ricardo and leave her be. Her way of handling relationships just isn't normal for a 27 year old woman. The relationship is over. You have no need to be in contact with her now, so don't be. It's not going to achieve anything.

Penny Tration

If that's how she reacts to developing feelings for someone, she's bonkers and you're well rid!

Ursus Horribilis

So all those tantrums over you getting tired of her were for nowt because she was always planning on going back home anyway :rolleyes: You won't agree at the moment but you will probably look back on this in the future and thank your lucky stars she went back home.