How come Tinder is so difficult?

Dr Crayfish

A couple of women here mentioned "tall dark and handsome" when describing men. May I just ask what that actually means? Like in Irish terms? Who would be an example? Just because we're usually pasty. I'm not pasty and I tan well but dark would be a push. I'm thinking that Poldark guy?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Tall - 5'10 and upwards would be tall for me
Dark - prefer dark hair on guys but not overly fussy. Love brown eyes.
Handsome - nice eyes, straight teeth, no tacky tattoos, nice hairstyle, strong jawline, good cheekbones, clean shaven or a 5 o clock shadow, not hairy.

Dr Crayfish

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Tall - 5'10 and upwards would be tall for me
Dark - prefer dark hair on guys but not overly fussy. Love brown eyes.
Handsome - nice eyes, straight teeth, no tacky tattoos, nice hairstyle, strong jawline, good cheekbones, clean shaven or a 5 o clock shadow, not hairy.

I understand what tall and handsome mean! I'm glad I'm over 5'11'' which seems to be the standard in this thread :pac:
I just mean the "dark" part when applied to men in Ireland. What Irish men are dark?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I wouldn't like a darker guy especially I mean it wouldn't make him more attractive, for me it's more features like hair and eyes.

SarahMollie

I've never been into the whole typical "tall dark and handsome" thing but I would interpret it to mean sallow skin, with dark hair in an Irish context. The Poldark guy is probably a good example in an Irish context, or maybe Rob Kearney possibly although again not to my taste. I prefer the more fairhaired Scandinavian thing personally.

Surreptitious

I think the reason Tinder is so appealing is because of how informal it is. You just chat away to someone and there's no profile with any information to talk about. It's primarily looks and location mainly.

Goya

professore wrote: »

She just told you. Just be hot.

That thing that is looked for by both men and women in potential dates regularly? Well I never...

Surreptitious

The majority of men on Tinder are very average in my area but I did match with some lovely lookin' guys. Looks don't matter if you don't have a nice personality though. Or are sleazy.

Am I the only woman who doesn't give a damn about handsome and obviously attractive features? Of course I appreciate a good looking man but it's about so much more. A presence, their heart, how they make me feel, how I make them feel. I've dated lots of different types of men, from absolutely gorgeous to fairly average. Looks are so subjective.

zulutango

Deleted User wrote: »

Am I the only woman who doesn't give a damn about handsome and obviously attractive features? Of course I appreciate a good looking man but it's about so much more. A presence, their heart, how they make me feel, how I make them feel. I've dated lots of different types of men, from absolutely gorgeous to fairly average. Looks are so subjective.

How do you use Tinder so?

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Deleted User wrote: »

Am I the only woman who doesn't give a damn about handsome and obviously attractive features? Of course I appreciate a good looking man but it's about so much more. A presence, their heart, how they make me feel, how I make them feel. I've dated lots of different types of men, from absolutely gorgeous to fairly average. Looks are so subjective.

I'd agree to a point, however on a dating site it's impossible to tell so I'd go for looks what I find attractive

beks101

Deleted User wrote: »

Am I the only woman who doesn't give a damn about handsome and obviously attractive features? Of course I appreciate a good looking man but it's about so much more. A presence, their heart, how they make me feel, how I make them feel. I've dated lots of different types of men, from absolutely gorgeous to fairly average. Looks are so subjective.

Yeah I think you become that way after a lot of dating. Or maybe it's an age thing. I remember being 19 and if a Michael Fassbender style ride walked into the room, I'd have a visceral reaction. You know the indisputably good looking type. I'd become shy or coy or just completely unable to act like a human being in their presence.

I dated a lot of those when I was single and doing the online thing, and realised being objectively good looking doesn't guarantee attraction or chemistry or spark or any of those things that you need to get beyond one or two dates.

I kinda simultaneously realised all my relationships were borne out of friendships or work connections or happenstances that didn't load on any sort of pressure or expectation in the same way, and deleted all my profiles and decided to just live my life and so be it.

Obviously tinder is a visual medium first and foremost, that's all you have to go on when you're swiping and it results in an over reliance on that to the detriment of the real-life factors that come into play when you meet someone elsewhere.

miamee

Deleted User wrote: »

Am I the only woman who doesn't give a damn about handsome and obviously attractive features? Of course I appreciate a good looking man but it's about so much more. A presence, their heart, how they make me feel, how I make them feel. I've dated lots of different types of men, from absolutely gorgeous to fairly average. Looks are so subjective.

How do you decide who to swipe on on Tinder then? A presence, their heart and how they make you feel are not part of the oul Tinder bio for the most part so all you have to go on are photos.

Knex*

beks101 wrote: »

I kinda simultaneously realised all my relationships were borne out of friendships or work connections or happenstances that didn't load on any sort of pressure or expectation in the same way, and deleted all my profiles and decided to just live my life and so be it.
.

I think this is pretty much where I am with everything as well. Came to the realisation before, deleted Tinder etc, and found myself back on it a few weeks later, but have since gotten rid of it again.

I actually find its a healthier, more enjoyable mindset being away from it, to be honest. As you say it takes away the expectations in one regard, but it also stops a lot of the constant judging, superficial mindset that you can catch yourself falling into a bit with the likes of Tinder, or perhaps even with social media in general. I say that even as someone who predominantly used Tinder in a very lighthearted, whimsical manner (I have a penchant for talking absolute shite).

I've found that I'm now more inclined to strike up conversation with people on nights out, something that I actually did nearly as second nature when in college, but had since lost my way with a little. I think this is possibly due to a reliance on Tinder. Instead of walking up to girl and saying hello, I'd subconsciously, or even consciously, rely on trying to arrange a date on Tinder instead.

Sure, you could manage to do both just fine. I know a few people who do, both men and women, but I never really found a healthy balance myself. Basically I was becoming a bit passive for my liking in those social settings, and removing any reliance on a dating app has helped spur me on to be that bit more proactive when striking up conversations. And as you touched upon, these interactions away from the social setting that tinder funnels you into, I find to be more enjoyable/fruitful.

I think as a man, if you aren't in that upper echelon of handsome bastard, but you're decent looking, well dressed, reasonably funny, well read etc, then you're going to do better for yourself in the long run by not relying on online dating, but instead getting your life in order and meeting people the old fashioned way; through work, friends, hobbies, socialising etc. Its provides a platform for something a lot more tangible and substantial, really.

tl;dr: Delete your dating apps, focus on yourself, your job, your hobbies, and enjoying your life. Things will fall into place.

Dr Crayfish

I'd agree with you too knex. Never tried Tinder but tried POF and it's just a waste of time, for me any way. Not that I had a problem getting dates I just never really wanted to be there anyway, it all seemed so artificial. It was a weight off my shoulder leaving it as any time I was chatting with someone I thought I might like and they vanished, which often happened, or having met someone there being zero connection or spark at all, I found myself disappointed a little. That's a worry no longer and I can just get on with my life with an open mind to opportunities! Suggest more people ditch the dating apps, they got along fine without them in the past, else none of us would be here

miamee

miamee wrote: »

How do you decide who to swipe on on Tinder then? A presence, their heart and how they make you feel are not part of the oul Tinder bio for the most part so all you have to go on are photos.

I've never been on Tinder because it's very looks based in my opinion. What the person writes in their profile is just as important to me as how they look. There have been men I messaged who weren't traditionally attractive but there was something about them which caught my eye. A good looking lad and a blank profile or the intelligence of a gnat and I'm not interested.

How we make each other feel is the most important thing for me Miamee.

miamee

Deleted User wrote: »

I've never been on Tinder because it's very looks based in my opinion. What the person writes in their profile is just as important to me as how they look. There have been men I messaged who weren't traditionally attractive but there was something about them which caught my eye. A good looking lad and a blank profile or the intelligence of a gnat and I'm not interested.

How we make each other feel is the most important thing for me Miamee.

I think that is the most important thing for everyone at the end of the day but how to ensure you get some Tinder matches and initiate a conversation before you can get to how you make each other feel is the difficult part for most people.

miamee

miamee wrote: »

I think that is the most important thing for everyone at the end of the day but how to ensure you get some Tinder matches and initiate a conversation before you can get to how you make each other feel is the difficult part for most people.

Indeed but my point was in the context of looks I need a bit more to go on. Tinder isn't for me because of this reason.

cantdecide

I've tried OD on various occasions for extended periods since the late 2000s and what I've learned [from a guy's perspective] is this: it's like speed dating where you sit alongside 5+ other guys. Very very generally speaking, you need stand out traits such as good looks or a strong natural charm or a kind of strong persona you're going to struggle for attention.

Any normal, decent, reasonably attractive girl will be inundated and is not motivated to make long lists of prospects. To get attention, you need to be above average in some respect or a very strong overall package. Ideally, confident and gregarious and you need to bring your A-game and sustain it.

In my case, rationally speaking, looks aren't a strong point and personality-wise, I'm a little awkward and introspective and am not motivated to misrepresent these traits. I'm popular with new users- we match, we speak briefly and they move on. I'm pretty sure I'm wasting my time and really shouldn't bother with it but to me, it feels like it may be my only chance feel like I'm moving toward meeting someone I might like who might like me back.

Surreptitious

Some loser asked me what my nipples were like. I didn't answer. Sure aren't they all round and stick out sometimes?

cantdecide

Surreptitious wrote: »

Some loser asked me what my nipples were like. I didn't answer. Sure aren't they all round and stick out sometimes?

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

Surreptitious

cantdecide wrote: »

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

I don't know what their story is. That was only the second message as well that he sent. I always seem to get these guys, I honestly don't know why. I'm beyond caring though at this stage tbh.

Carlos Orange

cantdecide wrote: »

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

Maybe there are girls out there who don't mind talking about sexual stuff, maybe he just likes inverted nipples or he just wants to get a rise out of you. I know whenever I hear it said that guys say stuff like "I'd destroy her" I'm willing to believe some guys do despite the fact nobody I know ever has around me. People aren't nearly as uniform as experience might lead people to believe.

zulutango

cantdecide wrote: »

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

In that situation I would decide to read it as something light-hearted and see where it goes over the next few messages. He might not actually be the perverted, poorly reared loser you've written him off as. Or he might be. But you can't really tell until you've seen/read a bit more I think.

Wibbs

zulutango wrote: »

But you can't really tell until you've seen/read a bit more I think.

Yeah, I think you can TBH. If a guy's second conversational message is asking about a woman's nipples, he's got the social understanding of a house brick and/or is slower of brain than a sloth on valium. Neither good. IMHO life is too short to be dealing with that level of thick.

zulutango

Wibbs wrote: »

Yeah, I think you can TBH. If a guy's second conversational message is asking about a woman's nipples, he's got the social understanding of a house brick and/or is slower of brain than a sloth on valium. Neither good. IMHO life is too short to be dealing with that level of thick.

Jumping to conclusions and close-mindedness are some of the reasons people are single. It wouldn't hurt to let it run for a few more messages. In the example above there are plenty of women who would laugh that off rather than get on their high horse.

silverharp

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

psinno wrote: »

Maybe there are girls out there who don't mind talking about sexual stuff, maybe he just likes inverted nipples or he just wants to get a rise out of you. I know whenever I hear it said that guys say stuff like "I'd destroy her" I'm willing to believe some guys do despite the fact nobody I know ever has around me. People aren't nearly as uniform as experience might lead people to believe.

.
To be fair, if it keeps happening to the same person over and over, and isn't happening to most other people as frequently then I'd question why?
Sure there is an element of it online, but I'd wager that it's more minority than majority. I know when I was younger, early 20s, on Pof, it was mostly profiles with no pics that turned out to be married men that would want to talk about sex and the size of their dick. I've recently been on tinder and pretty much the majority of men I talked with were really nice and respectful. Was asked on a few dates, ghosted and got ghosted a few of them, but there was no opening messages of "I want to bust all over your face" or anything of the sort

Wibbs

zulutango wrote: »

Jumping to conclusions and close-mindedness are some of the reasons people are single. It wouldn't hurt to let it run for a few more messages. In the example above there are plenty of women who would laugh that off rather than get on their high horse.

IMHO it requires no need for a triple decker equine to conclude "eh wut?" if the second message from a complete stranger is asking about your tits. IMHO it shows a staggering lack of social insight. Now it could well be the guy is scoping out the chances of a no strings hookup, which is cool, but a write off if the other party is looking for a bit more than that. If he thinks that's his best spiel or funny, he's a bit of a cretin IMH.

silverharp wrote:

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

:pac: Now that is jumping to conclusions and/or a moronic "sense of humour" and again if you got that kind of response I think it would be fair to conclude; "oh right so, thundering moron alert. NEXT!". Oh and the tag "datingsfeminist"? Nope, triple nope, with an extra helping of high grade specially imported from the Orient Nope.

Eric Cartman

silverharp wrote: »

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

If anything he had a lucky escape, surprise surprise a feminist gets a rape accusation in the first chance they get.