Girlfriends job

LegacyUser

Hi all

I would like some advice on this. My American girlfriend works as a cashier. She's very hardworking and determined however I feel like she's too dedicated for her job. We are both mid 20's.She has a masters completed aswel as a degree in her field and has yet made no attempt to look at a career option. She's hesitant on where to start looking but she's not doing anything in terms of looking for career options. I know she knows it sucks as she works random days and I work Monday to Friday and we don't do a lot of things together. It's now really starting to be more of a problem for me and I do not know how to address it.
Anyways, she's unable to go home this year due to cost of flights etc so I told her that she could come and spend xmas with my family, they love her and I know she'll love xmas at mine. We are very traditional when it comes to xmas and have a big family and also have a large number of extended families over for the holidays so there will be a lot on but I know she'll love it. Furthermore there's traditional get togethers with close friends who are dotted all over the world so it would be a great chance for her to meet them again, some for the first time.

The problem now is her work place won't let her off until 6pm xmas eve and want her back early in the morning of the 27th. Both of us are obviously not happy but I'm livid as it will be very rushed for both of us and my home house is 3 hours away. To add salt to my wounds I finish on the 22nd and I am not back until the 29th.I've asked her to complain or at least bring it to the attention of her manager and try and make it fairer so if she has to work until late xmas eve that she should have the 27th off or visa Versa seeing as her colleagues seem to both off or one or the other.
Where the problem is starting to erupt is once again she keeps giving out about it and doing nothing whatsoever about it.
I'm not a child when it comes to xmas, but I do cherish everything about it especially catching up with old friends that are away. The very idea of it being disrupted because of her work place is starting to make me worry. I know she can do much better, in fact if I was treated like that I don't think I could stick it(I worked in retail for 5 years)and yet how can I say it to her with out belittling her.
I would really like an outsiders perspective on how to address the issue, i keep silent about this and I need to speak out, I just don't want to explode or sound like I don't want her to come home for xmas

If she's happy in her job, then that's what matters. There's nothing wrong with being a cashier and maybe a career move might be something that just doesn't suit her. You're asking how to say it to her without belittling her, but you're already sort of doing that here. Has she ever given any inclination about wanting to do more in her career? If not, then the only thing you can really do is respect it, I'm afraid.

Also regarding the hours.. that's just life. I very much doubt that her manager will come to some arrangement, but you need to be OK with if it doesn't happen. Otherwise you're going to explode.

LegacyUser

She works retail so those are typical hours one works over the xmas period. I don't understand why you are getting mad at her given it's December now so unless she gets a new job before xmas or straight after, there isn't much she can do. She's lucky she's not working the 26th. If others have time off it's cus they asked first and highly unlikely she will get the time off now if someone else has already booked it.

woodchuck

Aside from not being able to get more time off for Christmas, is she happy in her job? If so, there's not really anything you can do. Maybe she has perfectly valid reasons for not pursuing a career in the field she studied... have you actually talked about it?

I wouldn't hold your breath about her getting additional time off. That's just the nature of that type of job I'm afraid. But why does that have to spoil your Christmas? She may have to go back to work, but you can still spend your time off with your family and friends surely. I know it would be nice if she could be there during that time too, but I think you just have to try and make the most of the situation as it stands.

retro:electro

If she is happy enough to work those hours then it's her decision to make. You don't get to dictate what she needs to complain to her boss about. My boyfriend will be working all of Christmas week and probably Christmas Day as well, but that's the way the cookie crumbles and that's what happens when you're a working adult.

I'm not sure why you told us about her being over qualified for the job? To induce us into saying, "she's too good for there! Tell her to tell them to stuff it!". No.

Rekop dog

You're right when you say it sounds like she can do better, she can do better than a bf who looks down his nose at her life choices, someone who shows a really naive understanding of retail Xmas staffing, someone who gets livid for very inappropriate reasons. She's away from home at Christmas, she needs support from you more at this time not stress.

Merkin

Rekop dog wrote: »

You're right when you say it sounds like she can do better, she can do better than a bf who looks down his nose at her life choices, someone who shows a really naive understanding of retail Xmas staffing, someone who gets livid for very inappropriate reasons. She's away from home at Christmas, she needs support from you more at this time not stress.

That's quite enough. You repeatedly offer nothing constructive to this forum and abuse other posters. If you so much as remotely step out of line again you are going to earn yourself a nice long holiday from PI and RI. Don't post in this thread again. And consider this your final warning.

eviltwin

What do you expect her to do OP? As discussed this is the norm for retail, this time of year is usually the busiest for most retail outlets and staff need to be in. Its crap but that's just how it goes.

There is not much she can do about it unless she refuses to do her hours or leaves neither of which is reasonable. I think you need to let this one go and try and focus on the time you do have together and make the most of it.

Rekop dog

That offers constructive advice. Poor call with regards to that post. It's in no way out of line and you set a bad precedent if penalising strong but fair advice

Merkin

Rekop dog wrote: »

That offers constructive advice. Poor call with regards to that post. It's in no way out of line and you set a bad precedent if penalising strong but fair advice

Banned for a month. You've been given far too many chances.

cactusgal

If she was working as a cashier in the USA, she'd be working til 9 on Christmas Eve and then first thing in the morning on 26 Dec. She's probably thinking she's not too badly off if she's not back til the 27th. Fellow American here.

Guffy

She has xmas day and stephans day off. It's up to you if you want ro spend these two days focusing on the fact she is working on the 27th or if you want to enjoy the two days ye have. The former will probably lead to arguments and ruin the time ye do have.

Xterminator

OP , when i worked in a restaurant i often worked christmas eve (till late), stephen's day and new year's eve. Christmas was one day off. and even if you had holidays, you couldn't take them at that time.

Its just a fact in certain sectors and getting annoyed with your GF will not change anything. I can understand your annoyed and would like to vent, but surely you understand she is not been taken for a fool, its simply the norm in retail.

Simply put - she is her own person and will decide when and if she needs to move career. i know of one person with a masters picking orders in a warehouse, (along with a number of degree holders).

so my advise would be to see the big picture. Nothing abnormal here. if you want to avoid this in the future maybe you can have a calm discussion in the new year about the future, and her career plans. when you say you want to speak out, i think it shows your lack of understanding rather than anything she needs to be concerned about. IE Its your issue not hers.

X

Mr. Incognito

It's her job not yours.

Don't interfere.

If she was a vet and had to work those days you'd not be all high and mighty about it.

Just get over it and enjoy your Christmas and dont make the situation worse for her with your attitude

silverharp

Im not sure what the issue is, why dont you take your holidays when you want and she joins you late and leaves early, do you or she have access to a car? or does she not have a licence to drive here?

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

It's her job not yours.

Don't interfere.

If she was a vet and had to work those days you'd not be all high and mighty about it.

Just get over it and enjoy your Christmas and dont make the situation worse for her with your attitude

+ 1 My mums a GP and worked every Xmas up until quite recently and even then is still on call. Not everyone gets to take a week off for xmas.

So she moans about her job and does nothing - lots of people vent about work because if they vent in work they end up without a job. If her lack of drive is such an issue for you then decide if it's a deal breaker for your relationship.

Big Bag of Chips

You mention she didn't go home because she couldn't afford it. So if she could've afforded it she would have been gone, and your Christmas plan would have been that you stayed in your parents' house for a few days. Now she's working (so probably wouldn't have been given the time off to go home anyway!), is going to your parents for a few days and has to go home early. Your plan to stay at home for a few days doesn't need to change. Not getting to meet your gf, for the first time or again is not going to ruin Christmas for your friends! Is she capable of travelling on her own? You can go ahead of her and come back after her. Its only a day or two.

I don't understand why you're "livid". It's only a problem if you make it one. And it sounds like you're looking for any excuse to make it one. It's her job. It's her life. You can huff and puff around her all you like but if she's happy with the job then that's that. If she's not happy with the job then it's up to her to look for something else. If she doesn't then that's that.

You made all these plans and had the perfect Christmas planned out without her sorting out her holidays. And I love how in these threads they are always the only one who has to work. And even if she is the only one working, it's very late in the day to be asking for Christmas holidays. If others have the 27th off, it's because the booked it. Weeks, possibly even months ago.

You accept the person she is, with the job she has or you don't.

groovyg

Op thats the joys of working in retail and if your girlfriend is happy to do this then I don't see why you are getting upset about it. I get the impression from your post that you feel she doesn't realise her true potential and she should be working in a better paid job, but that's ultimately a decision for her make. Its very difficult to get days off over christmas if working in retail as thats their busiest time of year. Its not just retail people have to work over Christmas, there's people in all walks of life working over Christmas, doctors, nurses, guards, paramedics, fire service, taxi drivers, hotel, pub, restaurant staff etc

MissFlitworth

Yeah, that's not unfair at all, just how sucky Christmas in retail can be. Generally hard to get a lot of time off - busy out till last minute Christmas eve and then a sale starts the first day back. She's lucky to have Stephen's day tbh. Why does it affect your plans though? Can she not travel up to you on th?Christmas eve and come back before she starts work on the 27th? Working retail at Christmas sucks, not getting to see your own family at Christmas because you can't afford it sucks too, don't add a 'livid' boyfriend to get big old glass of suckiness.

neonsofa

Having Stephens day off is a luxury nowadays in retail so I would consider your girlfriends xmas hours fairly decent. I had years of staying in til 8 or later on Christmas Eve doing sale prep and then up at 3am on Stephens day morning in for the early open. Sucks but that's retail, nobody working in retail is expecting the busiest days of the year off, whether it is your scheduled day or not, it's all hands on deck, some lucky people might not be rostered all days but that's not a given, sure most places won't allow you to take any annual leave the month of December.

bee06

I think this is more to do with the fact that you don't agree with her job choice than Christmas. It sounds like you look down on her for being a cashier.

Yellow pack crisps

You're livid?? Why? It's her job and her responsibility and you can either accept that or not. You cannot expect an employer to change around Rotas to suit your needs. If your gf is not happy tell her to quit! Problem solved!

I would hazard a guess this has more to do with her procrastination about her future career than this retail job. Again nothing you can do about that as its your gf decision.

Katgurl

My understanding from the OP was that he will have to wait to go to his parents and then leave with her the day after. Is that right OP? In that case it's hugely packing his holiday which is unfortunate but unavoidable. What's the alternative - leave her home alone? Could she sort her own transport back on Stephens day and you join her later on over the break?

DukeOfTheSharp

I think once you're dealing with something roundabout like that, you're fighting a losing battle. She complains, can do better, but doesn't bother. And I know that sounds harsh, but the truth is that if she was bothered, she'd at least be looking into where she might even begin to find a job in her field. I know plenty of people like that; they spend lord-knows how many years in college, then get their masters, but spin their wheels and complain about it like it isn't their fault. A career means commitment, hard work and drive...and some people just don't have that after college, as they can't get over the hump of changing from academia to employment, and settle for low-paying jobs because it's 'better than nothing' - when 'nothing' isn't the only other option on the board.

You may need to have a serious talk about this OP, because this isn't going anywhere good. Consider whether or not you want to listen to this kind of stuff on a constant basis, because your girlfriend is in a rare position where she's qualified enough to find a new job, but stays in one she seems unhappy-but-consigned to. It's all well and good when someone just says 'my job sucks' - but this is a case where she's stuck in a self-defeating loop and she's starting to make it your problem. Retail is a killer, it's horrible this time of year, but your GF doesn't need to be in that job...she chooses to stay in it. This is her choice, but when it starts effecting you in multiple, easily preventable ways, it becomes a case of you having to make your choice; whether you want to live with this sort of carry on long-term, or move on.

tomwaterford

There's not a whole lot you can do of these are the hours she's to work?

.as for being livid at it.....sure let her back and spend time with your family and head back up the night before you go back to work

There's no possible reason for the two of ye needing to be up there....go catch up with friends etc on your own???


As for wanting her to change jobs/career...That's her call I'm afraid

silverbolt

As someone who works retail i know that i will be working till 7pm Xmas eve and will be back in the day after Stephens. Inbetween then ill be heading to my partners family which is a two hour drive away. So i understand how much it sucks.

However jobs in Ireland arent that easy to get atm (despite the propaganda) and if shes happy with it thats her choice. Retail is sould destroying especially at christmas but that the way it works.

you get her for two days OP, take solace in that.

leggo

OP as someone already pointed out, you kinda revealed your hand when you made the contradictory statements that she can't afford to go back home and then complained about her only getting a couple days to spend with you over Christmas. So the real problem isn't that she can't spend enough time with you, is it? Because if she was in a job you approve of, she'd be home for the Christmas and wouldn't see you at all.

The real problem is you don't like the fact your girlfriend works in retail. And you're trying to mask it with these "she doesn't speak up to her manager" side problems, but it all leads back to "If she had a better job, this wouldn't be the case."

And here's the thing: it's absolutely none of your business. Your opinion or feelings on any of these things doesn't matter a single bit. You don't get to control anything about her career so it's something you need to just let go of immediately or you're just going to end up revealing yourself for judging her and pushing her away completely. She's not your possession, you don't get to make these decisions for her.

If you can't accept that you've a girlfriend who works in retail, do her a favour and break-up and let her find someone who will accept her. If you can accept it then drop all of these issues because you've absolutely nothing to be 'livid' about here. This is a non-issue.

Ben Gadot

It doesn't sound like you're well matched. She seems happy enough in her job so you either have to reconcile with the reality of her sector or move on.

Some people just settle into a job they're happy with. My sister in law has all the qualifications in the world but is a manager in a betting shop. She's very successful, but that doesn't change the mad hours she has to do.

Adviceseeker2992

Adviceseeker2992 wrote: »

The problem now is her work place won't let her off until 6pm xmas eve and want her back early in the morning of the 27th. Both of us are obviously not happy but I'm livid as it will be very rushed for both of us and my home house is 3 hours away. To add salt to my wounds I finish on the 22nd and I am not back until the 29th.I've asked her to complain or at least bring it to the attention of her manager and try and make it fairer so if she has to work until late xmas eve that she should have the 27th off or visa Versa seeing as her colleagues seem to both off or one or the other.
Where the problem is starting to erupt is once again she keeps giving out about it and doing nothing whatsoever about it.

I think a lot of people have missed this part of the post OP (to be fair, it's badly worded).

Her colleagues have the 24th and the 27th off or only have to work one day or the other. So you're upset because she is not being treated fairly and won't stand up for herself?

To be honest, I'd find that irritating too. She either stops complaining about it or does something about it. You head to your family's house when you want and she'll join you when she can and leave when she has to.

Ben Gadot

That's the way it is in retail if we're talking about seniority.

When I worked in a bookies the only way to get a Saturday off was either a close bereavement or having serious time in the place ie years.

Big Bag of Chips

Adviceseeker2992 wrote: »

if she has to work until late xmas eve that she should have the 27th off or visa Versa seeing as her colleagues seem to both off or one or the other.

I'd say it's highly unlikely that she is the only person in the shop working those days/hours. The OP is annoyed and is spinning the story to suit his agenda. He doesn't know what hours others are working. He can't possibly know. And maybe there are a couple of others who have a few extra hours off those days but they may have booked them months back. Maybe even worked last Christmas with the promise of this Christmas off. My mother worked in a job where she got every second Christmas off.

OP you are annoyed about the job she is in, not necessarily the hours she has to work over Christmas. If she was a doctor would you feel the same? A huge chunk of the population don't have 9-5 Mon-Fri office jobs where the business closes completely for a few days over Christmas. Your problem is with her job. Not her hours. But that's your problem. Not hers.

Big Bag of Chips

Adviceseeker2992 wrote: »

I'm not a child when it comes to xmas, but I do cherish everything about it especially catching up with old friends that are away. The very idea of it being disrupted because of her work place is starting to make me worry.

Why would your Christmas be disrupted by her workplace? You stay a couple of extra days, she goes back to work. They're your friends not hers. So you can still meet them. She doesn't have to be with you. If she has to go home you can hang on for a day or two to meet up with your friends.

Adviceseeker2992 wrote: »

I would really like an outsiders perspective on how to address the issue, i keep silent about this and I need to speak out, I just don't want to explode or sound like I don't want her to come home for xmas

Why does it have to be all or nothing? She can still go to your house for Christmas and leave on the evening of the 26th to get back for work.

As a couple in your mid twenties you should be capable of doing things independently of the other when the need arises. Just because one person has to do something doesn't mean the other person has to be there too.

eviltwin

OP if your girlfriend had a job like say, nurse, doctor, guard etc that required her to work through Christmas would you be as mad? How much of this is down to what she actually does for a living?

Idle Passerby

The solution is very obvious. You go home when you had intended and stay however long you want to. She joins you for whatever time she can/wans to. I don see how it needs to have any bearing on your plans whatsoever.

Her job is irrelevant. Lots of jobs mean irregular hours and limited time off, it's not neccarrily a rule that if you have a master's youll be working monday-friday 9-5, so that gripe seems redundant.

Parchment

If she is happy with her job - thats the most important thing. I am a lower ranking civil servant (despite having lots of university years behind me) and its fine by me, work is work and i can leave it in the office at 5pm, many people dont have a burning ambition that can translate to a career. She may just be enjoying her work now - and she may be happy to do it for a long time, thats her choice.

I sense you have a problem with her working as a cashier and thats your main irk with the situation. Her work times are normal for retail around Xmas - and retail hours are generally not monday - friday during the year either, its the nature of the beast.

You say you are not a child about Xmas but you seem quite fixated on it. Its just another day. As others have noted - you dont sound very suited to this girl and to say you are "livid" about her work situation seems a bit over-invested for something that should be pretty obvious due to the nature of her work.

Maybe take a step back and see if this relationship is something you want if things dont change down the line - as she might not change her work anytime soon.

pea be

This sound so like my BIL - always c complaining about wife's shifts, liking her to get her manager to change then, telling how unfair it was that other people didn't work those hours (she is a fairly senior grade nurse now)

Caused nothing but stress in the house (and every other house he was on where he kept yapping on about it).

End up now, nobody ever wants to go around there on Christmas due to the stress (of course its not just this that he gets wound up about).

Please don't put yourself at the centre of everything ... Commiserate with your gf but try to make her Christmas really special ... Because this is the way life its!!