Helping someone through rape

throwaway967

Hi,

Someone has told me she was raped, happened a little while ago.

It's very complicated, I need to be light on details.

I'm reading/learning abit online and going through it with her as best I can. Very complicated. I feel I could respond better but...

Why did he do it?

^^What do you say?

He spoke all the way through, I don't know what he said yet but when she tells me, what do I say?

Theirs other questions, I'll come back to...any advice/tips/stories/help greatly appreciated here.

hairyprincess

There's little you can say, just be there and let her talk, cry, scream, shout, whatever it is she needs to do. Could you encourage her to talk to a rape crisis counsellor? It might do no harm for you to go and talk to someone as well, it might guide you into helping her. Fair play to you for being there, she obviously trusts you.

Look after yourself too, it's a very difficult situation to be in.

Pawwed Rig

Just listening is important. Also ensure you do not say anything that blames the victim even slightly.
Can you call the rape crisis centre and ask their advice?

Pawwed Rig

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Can you call the rape crisis centre and ask their advice?

This, please.

throwaway967

Thanks for replies, I'm not able to quote, must be because its a new account.

@hairyprincess - Shes not able for counseling yet, we're building up to it. I told her id help her if she wanted, to write a letter to give to the counselor so they know abit without her having to speak first and make that first visit easier. She thinks thats a good idea so....we'll do that. I'll go with her if she wants aswell.

@Pawwed Rig - shes blaming herself big time, for a few different reasons. I keep telling her it's not her fault, how can it be. We go through them...I do think shes beginning to realise and then she'll say it again later so...I'll keep telling her...it'll sink in eventually. I'd like her to go to counselling now, I know they'd be better for her than I am...I know I could say things better or better things.....or maybe not and I'm doing ok, I don't know, but I'll be there all the way anyway.

Good idea guys about ringing the centre for advice! I'll do it today.

I'd been googling.

I'd looked up where the nearest one was and just basic info about it and gave it to her so she'd have it in the back of her mind as something she needs to do and aim for when shes ready.

sullivlo

You're being a fantastic friend for her right now, but you need to be mindful of the fact that you're not a trained professional. I don't mean that in a bad way, but there are measures in place to protect counsellors and clients in these situations.

The Rape Crisis Centre have a phoneline - 1800 77 88 88. If you call them they should be able to advise.

On a practical level, has your friend sought medical assistance? Depending on the timing/circumstances, it is possible that she may be pregnant or have contracted an STD. You should probably broach the subject of seeing a GP with her, sooner rather than later.

In terms of how to support her - just be there.

Look after yourself in all of this. Aiding somebody through a trauma can be tough on you too.

BTW if you want the thread moved to personal issues, let me or one of the other mods know.

B00!

I don't know what's appropriate, only know what I could've used when... well, you get it... The only way I found to speak of my "incidents" was when I was able to detach from the vulnerability of what happened. It doesn't happen overnight, my telling someone what happened, took years. So brava to your friend for being able to share, and for you being understanding (and staying non-judgmental, regardless).

In order for me to share, I needed a listener who could treat my revelation without alot of drama, just calm and dispassionate, like a therapist. Feeling safe to even open up is crucial. Letting her make-up her own mind (by asking questions of her, rather than advising her what to do) made me feel a sense of control I lost during the assaults.

Lux23

My only advice is to listen and try not to rationalise what happened to this girl. Some people when faced with a traumatic story feel like they should be saying something but I find that can come across as a bit judgemental.