New partner wants xmas just the two of us

LegacyUser

Both early 40's , neither of us have children. I'm with my partner 10 months and we just recently moved in together. He doesn't get on well with his family and has told me that xmas dinner this year is in his brothers house and there's no way he was going.
He asked me last night what's my plans for xmas, I told him i'm going to my parents for xmas dinner as I have always done
He got into a bit of a sulk. he said 'aw well I wont bother getting any food in so'. i get the impression he was expecting me and him to have xmas dinner together just the two of us.

I've had xmas dinner in my folks every single xmas so why should i not this one year just because he doesn't have time for his own family. With ex's in the past - i'd go to my family they'd go to theirs and we'd meet up that night.

I feel really awkward now , of course i don't want to see anyone on their own on xmas day but it's his decision not to go to his brothers....he was invited but stubbornly wont go.

dudara

Have you considering inviting him to your parents for Christmas?

leggo

Don't feel pressured if you don't want to invite him though, either. Do what you want, especially after only 10 months.

You could suggest the two of you get up in the morning and do something nice before you go, or have a Christmas dinner together on Christmas Eve or Stephen's Day and make that 'your' Christmas. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

SusieBlue

I would have a delicious breakfast alone at home that morning, and then invite him to have dinner with your family.
You get alone time as a couple, you get to see your family, he gets to avoid his, win win situation for everyone.

Rubberchikken

do you want to invite him to your family home for the day?
tbh, i'm uncomfortable with someone who at his age is unfriendly with his family. i realise it happens but tbh it says something about people when this sort of thing occurs.
i notice you and previous ex's went your separate ways on other christmas days so maybe better if you two had breakfast together like another poster suggested and then leave him at home for the day. he's an adult, he'll manage.
good luck

Big Bag of Chips

What was he going to do if you weren't going out together?

njs030

Rubberchikken wrote: »

do you want to invite him to your family home for the day?
tbh, i'm uncomfortable with someone who at his age is unfriendly with his family. i realise it happens but tbh it says something about people when this sort of thing occurs.

That's very judgemental when you have absolutely no idea of what the problems are.
Perhaps you had a great childhood and everything is hunky dory and idyllic....it's not like that for everyone and a lot of the time the best thing all round is to avoid the situation.

Op if you like this man enough to move in with him you must see a future with him so perhaps find a compromise? Breakfast together or coming home early to spend the evening together.

LegacyUser

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner. My family have met him once in the 10 months i've been with him, so he really is a stranger to them and it's their home.
I dont agree with the issues he has with his family, he should bite the bullet for one day and go along to the xmas dinner and then leave shortly afterwards. his family are being accommodating towards him, it's just him being suborn.

if he wasnt with me this year, i'm sure he'd be with someone else. He had xmas dinner last year with his ex and her kids.

I just feel awkward today as he put a bit of an atmosphere in the house and is all stroppy because i told him i'm going to my folks for Xmas dinner. I did say that we could have xmas eve together get a Chinese or go out and do something and then have xmas breakfast together before i head over to my family and he was moaning sarcastically saying 'dont worry bout me i'll just spend xmas day alone', i told him he doesnt have to be alone he can go to his family for the dinner and i'd see him that evening.

Lux23

Invite him to your parents?

Doterramoschino

Doterramoschino wrote: »

i get the impression he was expecting me and him to have xmas dinner together just the two of us

Talk to him. All you're doing is having a meal with your family, you're spending the morning and the evening with him.

Impressions can be misconstrued and expectations can be managed.

Ann22

notjustsweet wrote:

That's very judgemental when you have absolutely no idea of what the problems are..

Maybe I'm also being judgemental but I hope he's not one of those controlling men who sulk to get their way and who resents your relationship with your family.

If you do go home for dinner and spend the time worrying that he'll be mad and them when u get home if he sulks for the remainder of the day then he's being childish and I too would wonder if it's his family who are to blame.

In fact I'd bet he would be home for dinner with them if he wasn't with you.

I know I could be miles off the mark but there are quite a few men like that about.

njs030

Ann22 wrote: »

Maybe I'm also being judgemental but I hope he's not one of those controlling men who sulk to get their way and who resents your relationship with your family.

If you do go home for dinner and spend the time worrying that he'll be mad and them when u get home if he sulks for the remainder of the day then he's being childish and I too would wonder if it's his family who are to blame.

In fact I'd bet he would be home for dinner with them if he wasn't with you.

I know I could be miles off the mark but there are quite a few men like that about.

That's twisting what I said TBH. The poster I responded to said its worrying when a person of his age doesn't get on with family, I said that's quite judgemental without knowing any facts-which it is.

That's a totally different issue to a controlling and sulky partner manipulating the situation and I'm sure everyone including the op would know that.

Meauldsegosha

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner.

Because he is your partner who you live with and are supposedly in a loving relationship with. Why wouldn't you invite him to your family's dinner? My family would be annoyed with me if I didn't bring him along and left him sitting in our home alone.

LegacyUser

Yes definitely it seems the ideal thing would be to invite him, it's a serious relationship and you're living together. Are there reasons you don't want your family to get to know him? You don't have to stay there long if it'll be a bit uncomfortable for him since he doesn't know them very well yet. If it was me I can't think of any reason I wouldn't invite my partner rather than leaving them alone on Xmas day? You're both adults and it would be nice to spend Christmas together as a couple not just you with your family and him alone. I love the fact that me and my partner have formed our own Christmas traditions together and that I'm not still doing what I was doing when younger and just sitting with my family single like I always did.

LegacyUser

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Because he is your partner who you live with and are supposedly in a loving relationship with. Why wouldn't you invite him to your family's dinner? My family would be annoyed with me if I didn't bring him along and left him sitting in our home alone.

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to . I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

homerjay2005

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner. My family have met him once in the 10 months i've been with him, so he really is a stranger to them and it's their home.

i think this is bizzare. it sounds like you dont care much about the relationship. inviting him over for dinner,should be a given, you aint 18 years old and he isnt some lad you just started dating last week.

Merkin

Doterramoschino wrote: »

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to . I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

If you don't mind my saying, your attitude is really rather bizarre. Do you usually view things so clinically? You said in your OP that you've just moved in together and in the above post that you just rent together while you happen to be seeing one another. And all out of convenience? Really?

I mean if you've no real feelings for the guy I can see why you wouldn't want to bother spending Christmas together but it also begs the question why on Earth you're together at all if you couldn't really give much of a fig about him in the first instance.

Doterramoschino

Doterramoschino wrote: »

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to . I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

Oxford Dictionary wrote:

Partner
noun
the person you are married to or living with as if married to them

Apologies OP, you seem to have a vastly different interpretation of the word "partner" to most of us.

Is he aware that you are effectively flatmates with benefits with no plans to marry?

If this is the case, I can't see why you would care what he thinks either way. Suit yourself.

eviltwin

You've a really odd attitude to a long term, serious relationship. It might not be your place to ask him to your folks house that's true but why not tell them he has no plans and would like to be with you and see if they are happy to welcome him in. Its only one more person, I'm sure you and your partner can pitch in with food etc if that is a potential issue.

I understand you wanting to see your family but you are in a partnership now, its not just about what you want and what you need. I would personally feel really bad leaving someone to spend the day on their own while I go to a lovely family Christmas. Unless your parents don't like him and wouldn't want him there I can't see why you wouldn't even suggest it to them

Big Bag of Chips

Doterramoschino wrote: »

Both early 40's , neither of us have children. I'm with my partner 10 months and we just recently moved in together.

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment.

Does he know you are not in a loving relationship? Does he know it's a relationship of convenience? (A friends with benefits scenario?) If he thought it was only a relationship of convenience, I can't see him being too bothered about what either of you are doing for Christmas because you clearly wouldn't be each others priority.

I think you might need to have a chat with him to make sure you both are on the same page about where this relationship is going, or not.

The Wolverine

Hold on a second were you seeing each other and then got a place or were you flatmates and then started going out?

Icsics

Doterramoschino wrote: »

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to . I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

I think the Christmas dinner is the least of your problems

Meauldsegosha

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I'm with my partner 10 months and we just recently moved in together.

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months.

These statements seem to contradict each other. Does your partner know you just "happen to be seeing each other". His reaction to you not spending the day together suggests not.

Doterramoschino wrote: »

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to .

He's not a stranger, he's your partner (your words). He's not going to get to know your family if you don't invite him to family gatherings.

topmanamillion

OP if its a friends with benefits situation fair enough. I think its worth making it clear to him.
You say he`s only met your parents once in 10 months so its obviously not too serious. Again good communication is essential and make it clear to him its an arrangement of convenience.
If you don't want to bring him to your parents house, again fair enough. Reaffirm that you`ll be going to your parents house.
His options are spend Christmas with his brother or alone.

It`s not exactly a conventional relationship but if everyone knows where they stand and are happy with it I see no issue.

otwb1

Doterramoschino wrote:

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner. My family have met him once in the 10 months i've been with him, so he really is a stranger to them and it's their home. .

You've moved in together. He's part of your family now, they should all have a chance to get to know eachother.

LegacyUser

otwb1 wrote: »

You've moved in together. He's part of your family now

I don't get where most of you are coming from. I'd feel the same as the OP. Once upon a time moving in with someone was a real statement of intent, nearly like a trial marriage - but that's a long time ago. Now people live together because they want to be together while they're in a relationship. Who knows how long a relationship will last until it really does become permanent (however that's decided). Ten months is a very short time. No way is this man part of her family after only ten months.

mazwell

Imwiththeop wrote: »

I don't get where most of you are coming from. I'd feel the same as the OP. Once upon a time moving in with someone was a real statement of intent, nearly like a trial marriage - but that's a long time ago. Now people live together because they want to be together while they're in a relationship. Who knows how long a relationship will last until it really does become permanent (however that's decided). Ten months is a very short time. No way is this man part of her family after only ten months.

I think you're probably in the minority on this. If you move in with a partner that's usually viewed as quite serious. If you just need somebody to live with you would normally get a flatmate rather than somebody who you share everything including a bed with. Maybe I'm wrong but if I just needed someone to live with and it was for convenience I'd rather have a person I could have as separate a life as I wanted to from rather than a person I was in an intimate relationship with

Sunflower 27

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner. My family have met him once in the 10 months i've been with him, so he really is a stranger to them and it's their home.
I dont agree with the issues he has with his family, he should bite the bullet for one day and go along to the xmas dinner and then leave shortly afterwards. his family are being accommodating towards him, it's just him being suborn.

if he wasnt with me this year, i'm sure he'd be with someone else. He had xmas dinner last year with his ex and her kids.

I just feel awkward today as he put a bit of an atmosphere in the house and is all stroppy because i told him i'm going to my folks for Xmas dinner. I did say that we could have xmas eve together get a Chinese or go out and do something and then have xmas breakfast together before i head over to my family and he was moaning sarcastically saying 'dont worry bout me i'll just spend xmas day alone', i told him he doesnt have to be alone he can go to his family for the dinner and i'd see him that evening.

I thought Christmas was about giving? I couldn't imagine not inviting a partner to a family Christmas no matter how long we were together if they were going to be on their own Christmas day. This isn't an acquaintance, it's your live-in partner.

I feel sorry for him. Family fallouts leave a lot of people vulnerable at Xmas and, as someone pointed out, a lot of people had far from idyllic upbringings.

I don't mean to criticise, but I will: you sound thoughtless.

learn_more

On the issues of the bf falling out with his family: EVEN if it is the case that the fallout is all his fault, which it probably isn't (all) then I would be really pissed off that you that think he should effectively grin and bear it. That's hardly an attitude you'd expect from your lover, of all people. Whoever is to blame the fact remains that that is the situation and can't be changed. He was probably really looking forward to avoiding either spending xmas alone or going to his brothers, by spending it with you. Not only for that reason of course.



As a kind of an aside, I don't know what it is about Christmas that make people really irrational and intransigent about this occasion. I could go on all day about this because I see it every xmas in my family but where the OP says....

I've had xmas dinner in my folks every single xmas so why should i not this one year just because he doesn't have time for his own family

... shows a common attitude that every Christmas should be exactly the same as the one before and the one before that. For example my mum insists on cooking something like 5 or 6 different kinds of veg for the dinner and if we insist we don't want all that, or don't cook them for her, she'll actually get mad ! It's lunacy.

So I don't see what the big deal is if you don't go to your parents this year, like you do every year, just because you did that every year.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

Doterramoschino wrote:

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to . I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

Seriously, do wherever makes you happy. Disregard your family (if they're uncomfortable with his presence, that is inconvenient but ultimately forgivable), take him and his feelings into account but don't compromise your own happiness based on him unless you think that is what he would do in your situation. We can only reciprocate based on what we imagine others would do for us. I spent one Christmas entirely alone so I wasn't inconveniencing anyone, it was the most ridiculous thing I ever did.

I made the informed decision this year that I'll spend Christmas with neither my own weird, dysfunctional, exploitative family nor my boyfriend's bizarre, incestuous, loving family but mostly on own with video games and then with a mild, third-party family who just let me be myself and have generally excellent craic. Getting them all in the last few years has been trying and upsetting but I think I can happily manage just the one this year; my favourite.

Rachiee

So what im gathering from the OP is that her and her partner of 10 months (not long at all in ny opinion) either one or both had to find new accomodation/new room mate and decided they might as well move in together, out of convenience rather than have any interest on bringing the relationship to the next step.
Whether out if convenience or not i would think that 10 months is WAY too early to live together.

Honestly i dont like the way your partner is sulking and being sarcastic to get what he wants if his feelings are hurt by your decision he needs to articulate that rather than being passive aggressive.

On not inviting him to your family as another poster said people do get a bit funny around christmas and having everything exactly the same. Its probably not healthy and leads to a lot of pressure but i understand it as in my family we are all in our 30's and have done christmas the same for the past 23 years with nobody missing and no new additions to the table so if your family is the same to suddenly have a random boyfriend (seriously hes not your partner) join the party would be weird and tense, so you naturally dont want to invite him and so as to not feel guilty its easier for you ti say its his own fault he can go to his brothers and wash your hands of it, but in reality you do have some responsibilty.

Certainly to at least communicate if you feel its too soon to have him with family explain to him why your traditions are so important to you, and try come to a compromise. Can he come to your parents after dinner everyone is always just sitting around wrecked watching telly then anyway?

amtc

I've been reading this with some disbelief and many questions.

So he's not your partner... Hence don't invite him home. You could, to be nice, do as a friend. Bit too much for whole day. If it's a house that has many people, fine. My cousin has a different girlfriend every Christmas for dinner, generally 26 for dinner. But for me to bring home some one I'd be deadly serious but until children involved would always go to respective homes. But am only child. So only 3 of us.

It is only one day! My mam says her best Christmas was when my dad and me were sick in bed and she had dinner on her own and talked to the wall a LA Shirley Valentine.

Emme

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner. My family have met him once in the 10 months i've been with him, so he really is a stranger to them and it's their home.

Inviting your live in partner to your parents house for Christmas dinner would be a good way for him to become less of a stranger to them.

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I dont agree with the issues he has with his family, he should bite the bullet for one day and go along to the xmas dinner and then leave shortly afterwards. his family are being accommodating towards him, it's just him being suborn.

You have moved in with this man and made a commitment of sorts to him. You have to make compromises in a relationship and do things together that you might have done alone or with your family beforehand. Obviously you are lucky in that you get on reasonably well with your family and you can spend Christmas with them. Other people are not so lucky. Some family Christmases are hell and I don't blame your partner not wanting to spend Christmas with them if he doesn't come from a happy family.

Doterramoschino wrote: »

if he wasnt with me this year, i'm sure he'd be with someone else. He had xmas dinner last year with his ex and her kids.

Was he dating her at the time? If so why wouldn't he expect to spend Christmas this year with you, his live in partner? If they were finished at the time how would you feel if you went and had Christmas dinner with your parents and came home to an empty house? Then your partner rolls in 3 hours later, slightly merry and going on about the great Christmas he had with his ex and her children.

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I just feel awkward today as he put a bit of an atmosphere in the house and is all stroppy because i told him i'm going to my folks for Xmas dinner. I did say that we could have xmas eve together get a Chinese or go out and do something and then have xmas breakfast together before i head over to my family and he was moaning sarcastically saying 'dont worry bout me i'll just spend xmas day alone', i told him he doesnt have to be alone he can go to his family for the dinner and i'd see him that evening.

Christmas will be a test of compatibility for you and your partner. My advice is to invite him to your parents house for Christmas.

Sun in Capri

Doterramoschino wrote: »

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to . I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

I wonder does your "house mate" see the relationship in the same light as you OP?

If the relationship is as you say, I would go ahead with your own plans and let him sort himself out - my view would be different if the relationship was different to what you describe.

looksee

Either you have a commitment to each other or you don't. Evidently your partner - is he your partner? - feels that you do and it would not be unreasonable to anticipate that you will have Christmas together as a couple. When do you cut the apron strings? If he does not want to go to his home then surely you compromise, you stay home one year, go to your family - both of you- the next.

If you do not feel any commitment or obligation to him then you should make it clear and separate your lives to some extent. You seem to want things your way all the time.

DSN

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Because he is your partner who you live with and are supposedly in a loving relationship with. Why wouldn't you invite him to your family's dinner? My family would be annoyed with me if I didn't bring him along and left him sitting in our home alone.

Yes, I agree. It's a bit odd you'd leave him home alone to go your parents. You are not teenagers. I mean if you've moved in together it must be serious so if you close with your family surely they'd want to get to know him. If you were just dating I'd agree with you but (to me) moving in suggests some bit of a longer term thing!!! Now if he refuses to go to your parents & sulks then alarm bells would sound!
Edited as just read your recent posts. This gets odder & odder. It doesn't sound like you even like him very much!!

batmanrobin

You are actually dating this man, yes? You're in a relationship? Honestly, your attitude is disgustingly cold if this man is not on the same page as you. Ask him what he thinks is between you: an actual relationship or just "marking time". You sound quite immature and selfish in your behaviour. If he thinks the same way about the relationship as you do, that's different. If he doesn't, time to break up.

LegacyUser

The reality is that as you get older things change in families. At this stage of your life and if this is a proper realtionship you need to be willing to make some changes. That includes spending Christmas day with your partner. You need to be an adult and ask your parents can he come to their home on Christmas day so both of you can be together.
I am sure at this stage he is thinking - where are going when she is happy to leave me on my own on Christmas day.

Why would you expect him to spend Christmas day with his family when you know he does not get on with them. Not every family gets on well. Christmas can bring more stress to a situation that was already poor.
The reality is that relationships require give and take. You don't leave a partner sitting at home on Christmas day when you go home to Mammy and Daddy for dinner.

At this stage you need to consider are you in a realtionship/a friends with benefits situation or are you just with him to afford living away from home. If your not serious about being with this man long term. Don't continue to live with him or stay in a realtionship that is going no where as far as your concerned. This man deserves to be with someone who wants a relationship not someone who is using him till something better comes along or as a meal ticket.

The_Conductor

I'm actually shaking my head in disbelief reading this thread.
So- OP- you moved in with your 'partner' out of convenience, and while its 'convenient' for you- thats it, you have zero empathy for him or the relationship that you allegedly have (and no concern as to how he views the relationship).

You don't see that despite the fact that you're living together, that you have any obligation whatsoever towards him- and seem set come hell or high water, to spend Christmas Day apart with your other family- and seem to have a mental block as to how or why he won't or doesn't view his family in a rosy manner, akin to the way you do?

Meanwhile we have another poster chiming in with -

Maybe I'm also being judgemental but I hope he's not one of those controlling men who sulk to get their way and who resents your relationship with your family

Like what?

Its far from unusual for families to have fallings out- or not to be as close as other families are- there are all manners of reasons why this may be. Families don't come in identikit formats- where there is a one-size fits all. I don't understand how or why there is an assumption or a suggestion that the guy is a sulky controlling and resentful freak- set on destroying the OP's wonderful relationship with their other family.........

Dating for 10 months and you moved in together- would seem a little fast of the mark for many people- as it implies a level of commitment to one another- that the OP patently is suggesting she does not have.

I'd not even be thinking of Christmas- from whats been said on thread- I'd be thinking of getting somewhere else to stay- and reassessing what a relationship is- and confirming that you're on the same page as one another- before taking the leap and moving in with one another...........

There is so much just bizarre and wrong here- yes, Christmas, and what is to happen on the day- may be crystallising some of the issues- and bringing them into the cold light of day- however, they are minor in the grand scale of things- the whole 'convenience' relationship- and how you view him as a loose end that is of no concern to you- is more the issue than anything else..........

I hope the guy in question reads this thread- it may be a bit of an eye opener.

OP- Christmas is a special time- when one normally spends time with their family. You clearly and unequivocally do not view your 'partner' as family. The honest thing to do, is to sit down with him- and be open with him- as you patently are not on the same page...........

LegacyUser

looksee wrote: »

Either you have a commitment to each other or you don't. Evidently your partner - is he your partner? - feels that you do and it would not be unreasonable to anticipate that you will have Christmas together as a couple. When do you cut the apron strings? If he does not want to go to his home then surely you compromise, you stay home one year, go to your family - both of you- the next.

If you do not feel any commitment or obligation to him then you should make it clear and separate your lives to some extent. You seem to want things your way all the time.

It's not at all strange though for people to spend Christmas seperately even when married.

I'm over 4 years with my gf (both in our 30's), living togeather and marriage on the horizon yet I'll hop in the car on the 18th of Dec and head home to my parents and won't be back until the new year. Ok my gf will come to my parents around the 29th of December and will stay with us over the new year but there is no question whatsoever that I wouldn't go home for Christmas or she wouldn't spend it with her family.

Now if she wasn't going with her family I would invite her to spend it with my family now but not so sure after only 10 months, I don't think it would fit with the dynamic of Christmas Day in the house for such a new person to spend Christmas considering all the family are home and never any partners. Then again we were going out over 3 years before living togeather so I'd see moving in with each other after only 10 months being very early too which sort of skews things (i.e. Normally people would be longer going out before living togeather and therefore know parents much better and would not feel out of place being there for Christmas dinner).

I wouldn't personally be willing to give up Christmas dinner at home like the op is being asked to do though.

Ann22

notjustsweet wrote:

That's twisting what I said TBH. The poster I responded to said its worrying when a person of his age doesn't get on with family, I said that's quite judgemental without knowing any facts-which it is.

I wasn't twisting what you said. I meant I perhaps was also being judgemental but over a separate issue.

leggo

To add some balance, although I did find it a bit bizarre myself, maybe the OP got a bit defensive at the near-unanimous suggestions that she should invite the bf home for Christmas at the start and added some perspective.

I could also absolutely see how you could end up living together out of convenience while still seeing a relationship as early days. I remember I was with a girl just a few months about 18 months ago and some questions came up about what my housemates would do when our original lease was up (they ended up staying) and one of the options in my mind was that if it was still going well with the girl at the time, it might be a little early, but it might also work for her to move in. Of course it didn't pan out like that but with the rental situation the way it is these days a lot of people are doing stuff like this just to keep a good place and figuring out the rest along the way. So yeah, you can move in together and still not be at the stage where you're ready to spend Christmas with each other's families. It's not ideal but it happens and I know of cases where it works out just fine too.

Maybe that's all the OP was saying and she worded it poorly due to being on the defensive at the suggestions she was being harsh on him?

Estrellita

Doterramoschino wrote: »

for a start, it is not my home its my parents home it's not my place to invite strangers to .

He's only a stranger because you've kept them at a distance from each other. Which seems to be explained by the following..

I never said we are in a loving relationship. we are renting together and happen to be seeing each other 10 months. It's not as if we are going to get married or anything. it's a convenient relationship that suits us both at the moment. But that's all irrelevant to my dilemma.

It's not irrelevant to your dilemma, I think it's very relevant. Does he know that you see him as a fcuk buddy arrangement more than a partner? If he is hinting he would like to be asked to your families dinner, then the boundary hasn't been marked out properly with him. He thinks he's in a proper relationship with you.

Remind him you aren't in a relationship it's just an arrangement, so he can't ask you to stay at home. That should clear up your dilemma.

lawred2

Doterramoschino wrote: »

I dont mean to be bad but why should i invite him to my family's house for xmas dinner. My family have met him once in the 10 months i've been with him, so he really is a stranger to them and it's their home.
I dont agree with the issues he has with his family, he should bite the bullet for one day and go along to the xmas dinner and then leave shortly afterwards. his family are being accommodating towards him, it's just him being suborn.

if he wasnt with me this year, i'm sure he'd be with someone else. He had xmas dinner last year with his ex and her kids.

I just feel awkward today as he put a bit of an atmosphere in the house and is all stroppy because i told him i'm going to my folks for Xmas dinner. I did say that we could have xmas eve together get a Chinese or go out and do something and then have xmas breakfast together before i head over to my family and he was moaning sarcastically saying 'dont worry bout me i'll just spend xmas day alone', i told him he doesnt have to be alone he can go to his family for the dinner and i'd see him that evening.

Jeez feel for the lad. You've clearly let it known that he's down the list of people you want to spend Christmas with.

I'd be hurt to be honest. And then I'd be moving out.

lawred2

Guest19852016 wrote: »

It's not at all strange though for people to spend Christmas seperately even when married.

I'm over 4 years with my gf (both in our 30's), living togeather and marriage on the horizon yet I'll hop in the car on the 18th of Dec and head home to my parents and won't be back until the new year. Ok my gf will come to my parents around the 29th of December and will stay with us over the new year but there is no question whatsoever that I wouldn't go home for Christmas or she wouldn't spend it with her family.

Now if she wasn't going with her family I would invite her to spend it with my family now but not so sure after only 10 months, I don't think it would fit with the dynamic of Christmas Day in the house for such a new person to spend Christmas considering all the family are home and never any partners. Then again we were going out over 3 years before living togeather so I'd see moving in with each other after only 10 months being very early too which sort of skews things (i.e. Normally people would be longer going out before living togeather and therefore know parents much better and would not feel out of place being there for Christmas dinner).

I wouldn't personally be willing to give up Christmas dinner at home like the op is being asked to do though.

Every one is different. Myself and my wife met as houseshares... Been under the same roofs ever since.

Only Christmas we spent apart was the first one and we had only been together about two months.

Emme

lawred2 wrote: »

Jeez feel for the lad. You've clearly let it known that he's down the list of people you want to spend Christmas with.

I'd be hurt to be honest. And then I'd be moving out.

Maybe she doesn't want him to move out because he helps to pay the rent.

In fairness he deserves better if she doesn't seem him as much more than a shagbuddy/housemate who helps pay the rent.

When I was in my 20s I invited a guy I was seeing for 4 months to spend Christmas with my parents who had never met him before. He wasn't going home to Germany for Christmas that year and I wasn't going to leave him to spend Christmas on his own because all his housemates were going home. We eventually split up but I don't regret it.

OP if you don't think enough of this guy to invite him to your parents for Christmas you aren't in a relationship. Do the decent thing and let him find someone who appreciates him. A man in his 40s should have no problem finding a woman who appreciates him, there's a shortage of men that age on the dating scene.

The Draugan

10 Months is way too short a relationship to be expecting the ohter person to change their Christmas plans. if you were together a few years , engaged , married etc.. even without having kids i could 100% see his point. but at 10 Months that just seems a tad bit clingy.

A mate of mine is in a similar situation with the girl he's with 8 months because he doesn't want to go and have Christmas with her, her parents and her child (shes a single parent) she's trying to guilt him a bit with the kid even though it's not his.

If your partner has a sh!T relationship with his family i get why he wouldn't want to do Christmas with them i'm 100%do , but i think he should be either offering to go with you or maybe even have your parents over to your place rather then just expecting you to give up your Christmas.

lawred2

The Draugan wrote: »

10 Months is way too short a relationship to be expecting the ohter person to change their Christmas plans. if you were together a few years , engaged , married etc.. even without having kids i could 100% see his point. but at 10 Months that just seems a tad bit clingy.

A mate of mine is in a similar situation with the girl he's with 8 months because he doesn't want to go and have Christmas with her, her parents and her child (shes a single parent) she's trying to guilt him a bit with the kid even though it's not his.

If your partner has a sh!T relationship with his family i get why he wouldn't want to do Christmas with them i'm 100%do , but i think he should be either offering to go with you or maybe even have your parents over to your place rather then just expecting you to give up your Christmas.

The OP doesn't want her partner to go to her parents. Obviously you didn't fully read the OP.

The Draugan

lawred2 wrote: »

The OP doesn't want her partner to go to her parents. Obviously you didn't fully read the OP.

Just read the full thread there , sounds like a weird situation all together tbh.

Basically if your together in an actual adult relationship for 10 moths , the OP should at least be asking her parents if they would mind him coming for dinner. If it is just a Fcuk buddy relationship i don't know why he would expect them to spend Christmas together at all

Either way Christmas dinner seems like the minor issue here.

lawred2

The Draugan wrote: »

Just read the full thread there , sounds like a weird situation all together tbh.

Basically if your together in an actual adult relationship for 10 moths , the OP should at least be asking her parents if they would mind him coming for dinner. If it is just a Fcuk buddy relationship i don't know why he would expect them to spend Christmas together at all

Either way Christmas dinner seems like the minor issue here.

Agreed.

GingerLily

lawred2 wrote: »

The OP doesn't want her partner to go to her parents. Obviously you didn't fully read the OP.

Exactly, the partner just doesn't want to be alone on Christmas, what's so wrong with that?