What should I do?

LegacyUser

Hey, went anonymous for this one.

So there is a girl I just can't stop thinking about in college. We never really had much extended interaction together, went for food a few times as a group, that sort of thing. But it seems like I have developed a massive crush on her. I always find myself looking out for where she is sitting and thinking up ways I might approach her to chat.

The problem is I seem to be paralyzed with fear. I pass up good opportunities, pretend not to see her, barely say hi.. I do not think I would usually have this problem as I have other girls as friends and had a girlfriend before.. Just don't know what is happening to me. I feel like things are just at an annoying impasse where there are plenty of plans but no developments. This has been going on for about two grueling months.

I don't usually see her outside of college and she is usually sitting beside other people during lectures. Its difficult to find a way to approach her and even have a brief chat. I also would not really know how to move things along to eventually ask her for a coffee or something.

She is beautiful like a flower basking in the summer sun...

Help a brother out, anyone?

BetsyEllen

Impasse_guy wrote: »

Hey, went anonymous for this one.

So there is a girl I just can't stop thinking about in college. We never really had much extended interaction together, went for food a few times as a group, that sort of thing. But it seems like I have developed a massive crush on her. I always find myself looking out for where she is sitting and thinking up ways I might approach her to chat.

The problem is I seem to be paralyzed with fear. I pass up good opportunities, pretend not to see her, barely say hi.. I do not think I would usually have this problem as I have other girls as friends and had a girlfriend before.. Just don't know what is happening to me. I feel like things are just at an annoying impasse where there are plenty of plans but no developments. This has been going on for about two grueling months.

I don't usually see her outside of college and she is usually sitting beside other people during lectures. Its difficult to find a way to approach her and even have a brief chat. I also would not really know how to move things along to eventually ask her for a coffee or something.

She is beautiful like a flower basking in the summer sun...

Help a brother out, anyone?

Erm, well don't say this to her anyway...

I guess the only thing you can do is try to arrange another of these group food outings and try and sit next to her or at least close enough so that you can engage in conversation with her.
Can be as simple as 'how are you getting on with XX project' and go from there.

She's just a normal person. Talk to her the same way you would talk to anyone else. Your putting her on a pedestal isn't healthy.

silverbolt

Impasse_guy wrote: »

She is beautiful like a flower basking in the summer sun...

Help a brother out, anyone?

Ok. to help a brother i say this.

Stop putting the woman on a pedestal. she is not a flower she is a human being, not some deity worthy of adoration.

You like her. as her out. Do not sit there and glorify her in a fantasy

PressRun

silverbolt wrote: »

Stop putting the [mod snip - replaced above rather than banned] on a pedestal.

I wouldn't go around saying this kind of thing either, tbh.

Taltos

Mod note
Silverbolt - please take extreme care. You had a valid point but the manner you delivered it was insulting to many of the posters here and on another day may have earned you a mod action.

batmanrobin

It might be too late for you, OP. You've put her on a pedestal. That means the other person has way too much power over you. That's never good. It means you'll put up with a lot of bad behaviour because you essentially worship the other person.

Also, having been put on a pedestal myself, it is the most off putting thing in the world. The amount of pressure you feel under to be perfect at all times because the other person has an idealised vision of you in their heads. They don't see you as just a person. You're perfect and can do no wrong.

It's seriously unhealthy, OP. People are people. No one is perfect. No one! We are all flawed. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache if you view people as flawed people rather than putting them on pedestals.

Remember, this delicate flower breaks wind, she burps, vomits, gets the runs, bleeds once a month, she might be a nose picker and eater. Think about all these things the next time you see her and you might start to see her as a person, and then just go talk to her.

tara73

OP, your behaviour sounds very familiar to me, so I feel for you.

I had many of this situations in my life and I asked myself a lot why I acted so stupid and controverse to my feelings.

In hindsight my explanation to this is that my gut feeling was telling me there's something not quite right about the person, although I liked the person so much. It was some sort of deeply laid out inner instinct or however to call it preventing me from trusting that person.

maybe this is the case with this woman? Your instinct tells you she's not good for you/the right one for you but your more 'normal' feelings telling you different, also because of her looks?

Or maybe deep down you know she will not go out with you?

But I agree with the other posters, if your feelings won't go away, and it seems like this, you need to come to a conclusion. try to get in contact with her, sit with the group and see how she reacts to you. You will get a feeling if she likes you. Ask her out.

I always did this in the end with this men I liked, but also had this gut feeling of fear, asking them out. I had to do it because I needed the clarity, the yes or no.
And guess what: it was always more or less a no!
This is an example why I say gut feelings are always right.

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks for the replies,

Did not realise I was putting her on a pedestal, I do have a bit of a sensitive soul which could makes me think up such tender reflections but, well, food for thought...

So was chatting to her briefly, and the conversation just seemed quite plain.. Don't know if I'm overthinking it now, but don't really think I made her laugh or anything.. She seemed in a hurry to leave after class...

The whole situation just seems bizarre, even to the likes of myself... Why would someone get a giant crush on a person they don't really know and barely talk to..

Also, I remember at the start of the year she seemed a bit more keen, came up to me at the college to chat and stuff... I think I should have tried something then, maybe I am firmly in the friendzone.. This is just one big mind boggle really, thinking I should just try to forget her.

Klonker

OP, I think this is normal, sometimes you have an attraction to someone that you hardly know and can't explain it. My advice would be to act on it or it will keep eating away at you, the question is how to act on it. Just try your best to get talking to her in some way, even if you have to be very direct,friend her and message her on Facebook maybe. If she doesn't respond will mean she doesn't like you like that and you'll be able move on, if she does means you have a chance and build it from there.

Impasse_guy

Impasse_guy wrote: »

Hey, thanks for the replies,

Did not realise I was putting her on a pedestal, I do have a bit of a sensitive soul which could makes me think up such tender reflections but, well, food for thought...

So was chatting to her briefly, and the conversation just seemed quite plain.. Don't know if I'm overthinking it now, but don't really think I made her laugh or anything.. She seemed in a hurry to leave after class...

The whole situation just seems bizarre, even to the likes of myself... Why would someone get a giant crush on a person they don't really know and barely talk to..

Also, I remember at the start of the year she seemed a bit more keen, came up to me at the college to chat and stuff... I think I should have tried something then, maybe I am firmly in the friendzone.. This is just one big mind boggle really, thinking I should just try to forget her.

You're being very defeatist.

Try talking to her another time. Maybe she seemed in a hurry to leave after class because she actually was in a hurry to leave.

Conversation can seem very plain when you're forcing the issue, overthinking what you're saying, and just trying too hard.

And that's what you're doing - you're trying too damn hard.

Maybe you're attracted to her physically, but your personalities just don't gel.

And that's OK.

ManOfMystery

Impasse_guy wrote: »

This is just one big mind boggle really, thinking I should just try to forget her.

It's really not. You've just built it up in your head that way.

She either likes you or she doesn't. You can ask her out, or continue on as you are. She'll say yes, or she'll say no. That's it. Nothing more to it.

If she says 'no' - that great fear you have - the world will keep spinning. There'll be lots and lots more females who will cross your path in the years to come. She'll likely be flattered she got asked out, and no harm done.

LegacyUser

OP you sound very young. You must not realise that the world does not revolve around you, and she might have been in a hurry, just the way it appeared to you.
There are many reasons why she might have been in a hurry to leave:
- She might have a sick relative
- She might be sick herself
- She might have had a fight with her best friend/ flatmate/ whoever (maybe even boyfriend/girlfriend?)
- She might have been out the night before and was hungover
- She might have gained half a pound and felt fat
- She might have had an appointment to make
- She might have a kid to look after (her own/ her sister's/ her brother's, etc)
- She might have a part time job to rush to
- She might be panicking about failing her Christmas exams & rushed to the library to study

Plenty of reasons why she might have been in a hurry, it is funny how you think it was all about you. Sorry no advice for you, only that sometimes people do things because they have their own stuff going on for them.