What am I after doing?

LLMMLL

Another. perspective wrote: »

Lol, no time is wasted I assure you, these friendships feel very rewarding and empowering for me NOW, this is the point I wanted to get across to the op - once you stop caring about things that can't and won't bring you satisfaction, then things that will, start flowing to you easily, effortlessly. My whole life is a testament to that, actually, not just this, very small aspect of it.

Sorry I just don't believe you. You're right that a few months of no contact results in not caring. And often these guys will get in touch. What secure people then do is to not engage with these guys again. If you have a fake friendship for getting revenge you dos not successfully get over them no matter what you tell yourself.

LegacyUser

LLMMLL wrote: »

Sorry I just don't believe you. You're right that a few months of no contact results in not caring. And often these guys will get in touch. What secure people then do is to not engage with these guys again. If you have a fake friendship for getting revenge you dos not successfully get over them no matter what you tell yourself.

Well, LLMMLL, like I said, you and some others on here seem to think you have a better handle on the nature of my relationships with the two scallywags in question than me, fair enough! I just find that funny tbh

Big Bag of Chips

WhatamIaftedoing? wrote: »

I really, really tried to remain friendly with him. To the point that we’d talk/chat all day, every day.

Last week, I happened to be in the area he lived, and suggested to meet (hadn’t seen him in 2 months).

He still doesn’t want anything. At most a friendship. But, its so hard. I really don’t want to lose him from my life,

My reading of this is he's not 'playing' you. You are the one pushing a friendship. I'd guess you are the one initiating most of the contact? You were the one who suggested meeting up. He has been very clear. He doesn't want anything from you, "at most" a friendship. He's not a mind reader either. You were the one who "really really tried" to remain friendly. So as far as he's concerned, you're ok about not being in a relationship with him. You're ok being friends. You knew there was no chance of a relationship so you were also ok with "no strings attached" sex.

This lad isn't playing you. He's not promising you anything. He's not leading you on. He took you at your word that you're fine with being friends (with possible occasional nsa sex!). You're the one not taking him at his word. And I'd say he's bemused at you telling him "it's his loss". I'm sure he doesn't feel it is! He doesn't want a relationship with you, so he won't feel he's losing out!

Honestly, OP, as you said yourself. All the signs were there. You just refused to take any notice of them, instead rewriting the while situation in your head. He gave it 4-5 months of a go. He realised it wasn't for him. He told you, trying to soften the blow. Instead of accepting that you waited, and the became offended when he didn't fall back into a relationship with you. It's not his loss. On the other hand, you risk losing out on another relationship while you wait around for something that's not coming.

Cut your losses, OP. You're not ready for a friendship with him. Last week proved that.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the replies and different opinions.
They are appreciated.

To address a few things, it is definitely not a fake friendship I would like to offer. I cant be sure of him, of course.

Yes, my councellor did suggest this. He had brought a lot of good things to my life. Do we really need to lose people from our lives who meant something to us?

He is the one contacting me all the time (obviously not since all this kicked off). He also buys me things. He sees it as a way to show he cares. Also, I am not pushing the friendship. He has been very vocal that he would not like to loose contact with me. His response was why would he want to lose someone from his life who meant something to him.

Thats where the confusion from the last encounter came in. He said he had feelings too.

But, it is clear now, the message that I thought was being sent, was not that at all.

Am not saying all the above to throw fuel on the fire to any posters on here. Its all really given me food for thought.

LLMMLL

I think your friend is being really unfair. Painting it as a friendship but buying you things? Does he buy gifts for his male friends? He clearly wants some intimacy (not necessarily sexual) without commitment. This way he can drop you anytime it's convenient And still be the "nice guy" who was honest and upfront with you.

It's good you have a good relationship with your counsellor but I believe he/she is dead wrong on this. Sure it's nice if you can remain friends with exes but you have to be able to answer 3 questions honestly: would you sleep with them of they want to? Would you go
Out with them again if they asked? Would you be upset if they got
In a relationship with another girl? If the answer is no to all these questions then sure you can be friends. I don't think it is in your case.

If you cut contact then in 6 months or probably will be no to all the above questions. I'd actually wager you'll actually view him negative for his half treatment of you as a girlfriend.

gossamer

But you can't just turn on and off your feelings like a tap. You have determined that you like this man as more than friend. You have also determined that he does not want a relationship. And reading your most recent post, it would seem (and I'm open to correction), that this man is enjoying the fringe benefits of your somewhat unorthodox friendship. He can keep you on the periphery for emotional intimacy, an ego boost, a shoulder to cry, hey - even sex. He gets it all, a relationship without the commitment, a stop-gap girlfriend of sorts, but what do you get? Nothing. You will have nothing. You can't kick up a fuss because there is no relationship. All the facts you need are staring you plainly in the face.

Cut ties. If you are as important to him as he says you are, then he will understand and he will respect your wishes. If it's a friendship worth keeping, he'll still be there in six months time or however long it takes for you to get over him. Other than that, you're going to invite a whole lot more pain and hurt on yourself. No one is worth that.

marykitty47

WhatamIaftedoing? wrote: »

Thanks again for all the replies and different opinions.
They are appreciated.

To address a few things, it is definitely not a fake friendship I would like to offer. I cant be sure of him, of course.

Yes, my councellor did suggest this. He had brought a lot of good things to my life. Do we really need to lose people from our lives who meant something to us?

He is the one contacting me all the time (obviously not since all this kicked off). He also buys me things. He sees it as a way to show he cares. Also, I am not pushing the friendship. He has been very vocal that he would not like to loose contact with me. His response was why would he want to lose someone from his life who meant something to him.

Thats where the confusion from the last encounter came in. He said he had feelings too.

But, it is clear now, the message that I thought was being sent, was not that at all.

Am not saying all the above to throw fuel on the fire to any posters on here. Its all really given me food for thought.

Yeah the gifts, the weekend away as friends I went through the same thing...he is keeping you dangling he knows well how you feel. I am going to be tough here but it is for your own good its previous boards.ie posters & friends that helped me....but if he liked you enough no bad previous relationship would stop him from 100% commuting to you He is enjoying the attention. PLEASE walk away he is going to mentally and emotionally drain you. I'm sure you have plenty of friends without him. You will not be able to move on with your life until you cut him out completely

batmanrobin

Stop lying to yourself, OP. You're not friends with this man. If he turned around and said he wanted a relationship with you, you would jump at the opportunity. That is NOT a friendship. That's holding out hope that your unrequited love will be returned.

Honestly, I think he's been very selfish. He knows how you feel, yet he's keeping you dangling as a backup. I've been where you are and it was really upsetting. I even tried the whole we can be "friends" rubbish.

I have also been on the other side. A guy who really fancied me who wanted more but I wasn't feeling it. He wanted to be friends, which I would have liked as I enjoyed his company, but I knew it wouldn't have been fair to do it. He would have been hoping and waiting for me to change my mind and that just wasn't going to happen.

You're not the exception, OP. You're the rule. The rule bring that when someone says they do not want a relationship, they mean they don't want it with you.

You need to get some self respect here. He's going to break you heart when he does get into a relationship with someone else. You gonna be happy to be his friend then? I doubt it.

Greenduck

OP,

I have been in your situation many times and I think most people have experienced unrequited love at some stage thats why you can probably sense frustration coming from the other posters suggestions.

Its virtually impossible sometimes, to detach yourself from a situation long enough to see it for what it is. If you break it down into cold hard facts is you like him, he likes you but not enough.

This isn't really friendship and I think you know this. I also dont think it really can be when you have feelings for him. I'm sure he has good points and brought some nice things to your life but what happens when he gets with a new girlfriend? Are you honestly going to stay friends? Answer that honestly if you can.

From my experience, cutting contact is SO hard but always worth the effort. If anything it will show him that you are serious and will not accept a FWB relationship. I really feel for you in this situation, but everyone is right. You really need to cut him from your life so you can move on to someone who likes you as much as you like them.