different surname to husband/kids

monday monday

can anyone tell me are there any legal difficulties with not taking my husbands surname and having a different surname to my kids aswell?
everyone now and again someone will drop in a clanger of "oh well now my sisters friend had awful trouble with their will/ kids school / airport"

I get the airport difficulties but other than that is there anything I should be concerned about. I had a woman tell me the other day, a very vague story mind you, about her friend having problems with her husbands will because they had different surnames. is this woman talking through her hat??

Thecatman69

My second name is Gleason but my husband's name is gleeson madness !!!!!

Insidious

I don't have specific advice.. but for the sake of saving all the potential hassle... If you don't want to take his name... Would he not take yours?

monday monday

Insidious wrote: »

I don't have specific advice.. but for the sake of saving all the potential hassle... If you don't want to take his name... Would he not take yours?

ive said it to him joking in the past but no..i wouldn't expect or want him to take my name.

Big Bag of Chips

If you have a marriage certificate then it proves you're married. And if your husband's will states "I leave x to my wife, [your name]" then why would there be an issue?

It's not uncommon nowadays.

endacl

Just don't go the double barrelled route for the kids. Double barrelled names are daft.

missvicky

I didn't take my husbands name and the only small problem I encountered was when we applied for our mortgate and the marraige cert sorted that out. Have had no problem regarding our kids with schools etc. It's not unheard of these days to keep your name

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you have a marriage certificate then it proves you're married. And if your husband's will states "I leave x to my wife, [your name]" then why would there be an issue?

It's not uncommon nowadays.

well exactly I don't think there is an issue. I did say to this woman that we were legally married and I don't see how us having different surnames would be an issue. I think people are just spouting nonsense half the time. when I ask for specifics with an example they are giving me they never have an answer.
I just wanted to throw it out there and see IF there was an real issues that people are having.
some people react like my kids are going to have a terrible childhood because of it.

jlm29

I've got a different surname to my kids, and I've never had any trouble. It was said to me in Dublin airport once (when flying home, which is ridiculous), that I should carry a copy of their birth Certs, so the authorities would know I wasn't kidnapping them.
If you were worried about it, you could double barrel the name on birth cert and passport and just not use the full handle all the time. But I wouldn't do that personally!

lazygal

Our children have double barrel names-the conniptions I read online about how this is pure madness and will lead to all sorts of imaginary hassle are totally removed from my actual real life experience, there are no issues whatsoever. We both kept our own surnames after we married.

monday monday

my eldest is 3 now and so far ive had no problems. people seem to think im going to have soooo much hassle with the schools. in this day and age families come in a lot of shapes and forms so naming conventions will too.
I also find people get defensive about themselves taking their husbands name..as if im sitting there judging them.
people are very funny about thinks.
then theres the people that don't think im actually married because I had a humanist ceremony but that's for another day.

foodaholic

I've a 5 yr old and a 1yr old
Ive been through Dublin airport multiple times with them and not even a funny luck
School didn't bat an eyelid either

Its very common now
I wouldn't worry about it

jordata

I got married in the dark ages - 1997 and kept my name. I like my name!! Anyway I am lucky enough to have had 3 children who have a different surname to mine and never had any trouble travelling or in school. Did have a solicitor once ask if they were all mine and had the same father as they look so different but no issue with the surnames ever.

Moonbeam

Growing up I lived in a house where we all had different surnames ,there was never an issue

appledrop

What a load of nonense people talk in this day + age. I'd tell anyone to mind their own business if they mentioned this to me. It is actually much more hassle to change you name to married one rather than keep your own. I didn't change my name after my marriage + never would. My son has my husbands name. I work in the education section + the school thing is a load of waffle. In this day + age there are all different types of families.

eviltwin

Has never been an issue for us and we all have different names too. People are well used to women having a different name from their partners, blended families and all that. How do people think people go on holidays with nieces and nephews or kids friends. Honestly it won't be an issue.

pwurple

No issues here so far... I didn't change my name.

It's not default in the rest of the world either as far as I can see. I don't think the spanish change their names at all. I've been places where they think it's positively weird to end up with names like siblings when married.

It's a personal choice rather than any kind of requirement. Whatever suits yourself.

The will one is pure baloney.

Peregrinus

My wife did not take my surname, and the only issue we've ever had with officialdom is advice that, when travelling with our daughter (who has my surname) she should carry a copy of the daughter's birth cert. She did so for many years, but has never actually had to produce it, and our daughter is now old enough to identify her mother to the satisfaction of any immigration official.

It does lead to occasional minor confusion in a social context, but it's easily sorted out if it needs to be. Occasionally I answer the phone at home and someone says "hello, is that Mr. [Wifesname]?". I usually just answer "Close enough. Can I help you?".

It has never been an issue with schools, doctor's surgeries or anything of the kind. My mother-in-law used to write to my wife as "Mrs [Myfirstname] [Mylastname]", because she's from a generation where that was the convention for a married woman. My wife was not pleased about this, and discussed it with her mother. I stayed out of it.

LegacyUser

Honestly, day to day life might not be effected by it, but it all comes down to your children and how they feel,

to some people a name is just a name, it doesn't define them,
to others a name defines them,

your children could be either of these,


growing up we had 4 different surnames in our family of 5 (lo-ong story) and while it never caused hassle with schools/doctors/holidays (well we were stopped once at an airport over it but i think it was curiosity on their part rather than safety reasons) honestly i think it effected me more than it did my siblings, my sister couldn't care less about her name being different, but i hated mine and hated being different to my mam,

My daughter is also like me, she loves identifying as "we're the X family" or "goooo team X"
she's starting to ask questions about my maiden name and thats awkward enough explaining why her nana has a different surname name to mine before i was married, when she is old enough i will explain it, but for now its all about her identity in family X and Y.


likewise i know other kids her age and younger who couldn't care less if their name is different from their parent, so it will depend on your children and if they associate strongly with a name


double barrel in my opinion is a whole new can of worms, as parents we sometimes need to compromise on things we believe/expect, (Christmas, baptisims...etc) in order to do whats best for our children, double-barrel surnames are just a lazy way to pass the buck (or decision making) onto the child, and anyone i know personally who have double-barrel on their child's birth cert, the child has dropped one of those names by the time they are starting school, usually because they associate strongly with a particular family surname.

i get that those parents both associate strongly with a name, but if a name is THAT important to them, then why not organise that between you before you do something as huge as getting married/having children, like you do when you both have certain ideas on a first name, to me anyway it shows a couple who just cannot compromise,

lazygal

Justthinkitthrough wrote: »

i get that those parents both associate strongly with a name, but if a name is THAT important to them, then why not organise that between you before you do something as huge as getting married/having children, like you do when you both have certain ideas on a first name, to me anyway it shows a couple who just cannot compromise,

How is having our children have both our surnames a sign that we as a couple cannot compromise? We didn't need to compromise on first, middle or last names at all, we were able to agree on all of them for our children.

ThisRegard

Can't see why it's a problem for the kids, they're not dumb and would understand why they're different. You can use your married name for day to day things like reservations and whatever, keep your maiden name for officialdom.

tara83

My mother kept her maiden name when she married 38 years ago. We took my father's surname Even back then there wasn't an issue with us at school, traveling etc. Although back then the childs name was just added to the parents passport !

LegacyUser

lazygal wrote: »

How is having our children have both our surnames a sign that we as a couple cannot compromise? We didn't need to compromise on first, middle or last names at all, we were able to agree on all of them for our children.

well i don't know you as a couple so i can't comment on that,

to me, (and knowing the couples i know with double barrel surnames) it appears like both just had to have their name in there and get their own way, while you can double barrel with names, you cannot with other decisions relating to your children, like do you christen the baby or have a naming ceremony, which school do you send them to? would you send them to two if you both wanted different schools? probably not, one of you would actually compromise, and i think when it comes to names the parents really should make the decision and not pass this process onto the child,

in relationships where the "compromise" is they both get their own way it to me anyway seems less like compromise. its how i feel, but like i said i am a person who associates identity with a name, many others do not.

jimmycrackcorm

lazygal wrote:

Our children have double barrel names-the conniptions I read online about how this is pure madness and will lead to all sorts of imaginary hassle are totally removed from my actual real life experience, there are no issues whatsoever. We both kept our own surnames after we married.

That's just because you haven't thought far enough ahead to when your kids marry a partner also with a double barreled name.

Kal El

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you have a marriage certificate then it proves you're married. And if your husband's will states "I leave x to my wife, [your name]" then why would there be an issue?

It's not uncommon nowadays.

My wife has her own surname, its not a big deal. Our baby has mine only. Ive never enountered any trouble

monday monday

Thanks all for the opinions and advice.
I just wanted some real life experiences instead of having to listen to..I suspect..mostly made up stories from people.
my husband doesnt care that I didnt take his name and as for explaining it to my kids. ...I didnt take his name kids...end of.
I'll bring a birth cert to the airport if I ever feel crazy enough to travel with them on my own.

scarepanda

Justthinkitthrough wrote:

to me, (and knowing the couples i know with double barrel surnames) it appears like both just had to have their name in there and get their own way, while you can double barrel with names, you cannot with other decisions relating to your children, like do you christen the baby or have a naming ceremony, which school do you send them to? would you send them to two if you both wanted different schools? probably not, one of you would actually compromise, and i think when it comes to names the parents really should make the decision and not pass this process onto the child,

Well that's a big assumption you've made on a situation that 'appears' in a certain way to you.

Granted, myself and my partner are not married, but when we registered our daughter, we went with a double barrel name. We never had a debate on which name she would go by, it just happened that way naturally.
My personal reasoning for wanting the double barrel name was because i wanted her to have my OH name, for me that was non negotiable, but I also wanted her to have my name so that all bases were covered I.e passports, traveling alone with her etc. On a day to day basis though she will go by his name only.
So for us, it wasn't a battle of wills that neither would give in, it wasn't indecision that lead to a double barrel name. It was practicalities for our situation.

pwurple

I quite like double barrel surnames, and I'm attached to my own surname, there aren't many of us left in Ireland. I like the history of the name, and I did want to pass it on in some form to my daughters. We considered it, but it would have been too much of a mouthful, would have ended up something like Fitzwilliam-O'Shaughnessy, which is just a lifetime of not fitting on forms. Think of the email addresses even, too painful. We even discussed every second child getting a different surname, but sanity prevailed.

Some of the children in my daughter's class have snappy double names, one syllable in each side. I like that it ties two families together, and does't just obliterate the woman's family completely, which is the standard uk/irish naming convention.

Peregrinus

I know a couple who, when they married, both changed surnames to a common surname which was new to both of them. Very egalitarian, and they ended up with just one family name for everyone in the family.

(Admittedly, the decision was party driven by the hope that it would enable them to evade some awkward creditors.)

Sunny Dayz

Maybe it's slightly different for me. My son has my maiden name as myself and his bio father parted ways before I found out I was pregnant. When himself was a tot I met my now husband. I wanted to change his name to double barrel by common usage but himself wanted to stay as is (I think a family friend had an impact on that decision, himself was still only young (6) but the family friend teased him a bit and was calling him by my husband's surname and it think this caused some resistance with himself).


I still go by my maiden name in work and with my son's school. Passport is still in the maiden name but I will change it to my married name when it expires. I do use my married name in "real life" and I've had a few people say to me that they didn't know he was my son, they thought he was my brother. From looking at us you would know we were closely related but he's tall and mature looking, I'll admit I'm short and look younger than I am.

meeeeh

We are not married, kids have partner's surname. It was no brainer, he is Irish I am not and I think it's annoying enough people butchering my surname so I wanted to avoid that.

We never had any problems with transporting kids out of the country and we do it quite often. We always carry only passports and often go through passport controls separately. The blonde one doesn't even look like anyone else in the family, so much so , I was waiting for garda call to our door around Roma blonde children mess.

LegacyUser

I use my own surname (out of pure habit, it just comes out of my mouth!) but the kids have my husband's surname.

In order to take a shortcut through the inevitable confusions at some point in the future (mainly around paperwork, to be honest), I renewed my passport recently and put it in my married name, but got them to include my maiden name on it. There's a box you can tick, and you send them your birth cert along with marriage cert etc.I also renewed my driver's license, in my married name.

I've thought about it a little bit, and I will continue to use my maiden name at work, and it's on pretty much all of our household accounts - and I won't be changing it.

I don't think it's a big deal personally otherwise, but I wanted at least one piece of official ID that had both names on it, to save me having to produce marriage/birth certs everytime I deal with officialdom.

Typer Monkey

I kept my name after I got married. I had that name for almost 40 years and felt it was part of my identity. I also had been known by it in work for over a decade. I didn't want the hassle of changing all my documentation and email address. I dont mind being referred to by my husband's name socially..say at a wedding or something. I see it as an alias I have that I just dont use often. The only thing I get annoyed by is when (usually older generations) refer to me as Mrs HusbandFirstname HusbandSurname, usually on xmas cards etc. I definitely didnt give up my first name on marriage!

The children have my husband's name. My brother lives abroad and I travel alone with the children to visit him quite regularly. I just have a folded up copy of their birth certs stuck in the back of their respective passports, no big deal. I had my daughter before we married and so we didn't share a surname. I was asked on my return to Dublin airport what my relationship to her was and was advised to carry her birth certificate when travelling alone. Makes sense when you think about it. However what doesn't make sense to me is that my husband's sister could, in theory, travel with my children without my permission without any questions asked merely by the fact that they share a surname.

I think perhaps a note of the children's passport numbers on their guardian's passports which could be cross checked at passport control would be a safer method rather than just relying on naming traditions

LegacyUser

I was the child who was given a double barreled surname and I have hated it all of my life. I started identifying myself with one surname when I started school, but my god the trouble it has caused. Please don't do this to your kids. Every second form I fill out (assuming there is space for two surnames) results in a phone call asking which I go by. Even now, 30 years after dropping one of them I run into trouble every time I have to use official documents with my birth surname. Nothing is ever straightforward. Like another poster said earlier, you are just passing the buck to your child. My whole life I could not wait to marry so I could take my husband's surname! It might be a nice idea at the time, but unless you have been through the day-to-day realities, you have no idea of the issues it causes (not to mention having to explain the whole story of how it came to be!).

beans

Hattie22 wrote: »

I was the child who was given a double barreled surname and I have hated it all of my life. I started identifying myself with one surname when I started school, but my god the trouble it has caused. Please don't do this to your kids. Every second form I fill out (assuming there is space for two surnames) results in a phone call asking which I go by. ... .

To offer a different perspective; I've never had any trouble with comprehension on forms etc. And to be pedantic, it's not two surnames, it's a composite. I just use my surname, hyphenated, and all is well. I'd suggest the trouble you describe is as a result of you not using your proper surname, adding confusion to the mix.

Agree that it's short-sighted, intergenerationally-speaking.

eviltwin

Hattie22 wrote: »

I was the child who was given a double barreled surname and I have hated it all of my life. I started identifying myself with one surname when I started school, but my god the trouble it has caused. Please don't do this to your kids. Every second form I fill out (assuming there is space for two surnames) results in a phone call asking which I go by. Even now, 30 years after dropping one of them I run into trouble every time I have to use official documents with my birth surname. Nothing is ever straightforward. Like another poster said earlier, you are just passing the buck to your child. My whole life I could not wait to marry so I could take my husband's surname! It might be a nice idea at the time, but unless you have been through the day-to-day realities, you have no idea of the issues it causes (not to mention having to explain the whole story of how it came to be!).

Different strokes for different folks. My daughter had a double barrell name and she's never had any hassle with it or felt it was a burden. One of the reasons we gave them both was so they could choose one or the other when they got older which she has done but her official papers, passport, learners permit etc are both names. I don't see why people think it's a problem unless it's just their own prejudices.

Dravokivich

My son has his mother's surname. I never really put much thought to it, hasn't been an issue for me other than to clear up a bit of confusion regarding my name. Which could easily of happened the other way around I s'pose. So I haven't really been put out by it at all.

I've a friend who's daughter took his name, the mother keeps on insisting on double barreling it though and their daughter finds it a bit embarrassing. So I recon when it comes to determining which surname is going to be used or how they'll be used together, you're better off doing it from the start.

jester77

meeeeh wrote: »

We are not married, kids have partner's surname. It was no brainer, he is Irish I am not and I think it's annoying enough people butchering my surname so I wanted to avoid that.

We never had any problems with transporting kids out of the country and we do it quite often. We always carry only passports and often go through passport controls separately. The blonde one doesn't even look like anyone else in the family, so much so , I was waiting for garda call to our door around Roma blonde children mess.

I have different experience at the airports. Kids have my name, my girlfriend is always questioned when going through security with them (except in Ireland for some reason). She has to show their birth certs along with their passports. Not a big problem, just a little annoying.

Thoie

If I was doing that, I'd make a bundle of photocopies of marriage and birth certs, just to have. They won't be "official" copies, but they'd probably do if the need arose. Keep a copy tucked into passports so they're always there if required. I'd also keep a picture of each of the certs on my phone, but I like to over-prepare (ooh - a double barreled word!).

So far we have not had trouble because my girlfriends and I are not married. But we get ominous warnings from peoples on it sometimes all the same. The last time we all flew together I was in a separate passport queue to the rest of my family. Mammy was told to fetch me because the kids have my name - and was told that in future if she were to ever travel without me that she should carry Long Form Birth Cert.

I do not know what is legal requirement and what is just the opinion of the front line officer in the booth - but we certainly noted it to keep in mind.

So far no other issues have arisen - hopefully none ever will.

ncmc

I can't believe people have had trouble at airports! I have flown several times with my daughter and husbands (passport is in my maiden name, daughter has my husbands name) and never had an issue. Likewise my sister kept her maiden name on marriage, her three kids have her husbands name and never any issues. It would never occur to me to bring a copy of a birth cert. For day to day things, I use my married name and my drivers license is in my married name, but passport and bank account are in maiden name. I have never had any issues.

Jayop

We have a funny situation. Our first child was born when we were very young and she took a double barrel name on her birth cert but has only ever been known by my name. Our son was born years after and he has only ,y name despite us still not being married. When we got married my wife now is known by my name and has it as her profile on facebook etc, but never bothered changing her name officially.

So in a 4 person family we have 3 different surnames and one person who goes by the wrong surname.


As for airports and that she's never had any bother, same with schools and anything else that might come up.

Jayop

We have a funny situation. Our first child was born when we were very young and she took a double barrel name on her birth cert but has only ever been known by my name. Our son was born years after and he has only ,y name despite us still not being married. When we got married my wife now is known by my name and has it as her profile on facebook etc, but never bothered changing her name officially.

So in a 4 person family we have 3 different surnames and one person who goes by the wrong surname.


As for airports and that she's never had any bother, same with schools and anything else that might come up.

Thoie

ncmc wrote: »

I can't believe people have had trouble at airports! I have flown several times with my daughter and husbands (passport is in my maiden name, daughter has my husbands name) and never had an issue.

It's great that you haven't had any issues, and long may it continue! The problem is a holiday could be absolutely ruined if someone at the airport suddenly decides you're absconding with the child. There is (rightly) a lot of concern about child welfare. If you can "save" a holiday by keeping a photocopy of a birthcert tucked into your passport, it's a simple thing that requires practically zero effort, but could be a blessing if you ever need it.

jester77

ncmc wrote: »

I can't believe people have had trouble at airports! I have flown several times with my daughter and husbands (passport is in my maiden name, daughter has my husbands name) and never had an issue. Likewise my sister kept her maiden name on marriage, her three kids have her husbands name and never any issues. It would never occur to me to bring a copy of a birth cert. For day to day things, I use my married name and my drivers license is in my married name, but passport and bank account are in maiden name. I have never had any issues.

Never been questioned leaving Ireland, have been questioned every time leaving Germany, mixed experiences in different countries. Not too difficult to keep a copy of the birth certs handy. You could have a difficult time getting your flight without it if stopped.

Ruddler

Married nearly 6 years with 2 kids in that time and I didn't change my name. Never had anyone question it. Husband isn't bothered that I didn't take his name, kids know I've a different name and everyone is happy!

ted1

lazygal wrote: »

Our children have double barrel names-the conniptions I read online about how this is pure madness and will lead to all sorts of imaginary hassle are totally removed from my actual real life experience, there are no issues whatsoever. We both kept our own surnames after we married.

Do you expect their kids to have treble barrel names?

lazygal

ted1 wrote: »

Do you expect their kids to have treble barrel names?

They might not even have kids. If and when they do, they can decide on their names. Just like we did.

ted1

lazygal wrote: »

They might not even have kids. If and when they do, they can decide on their names. Just like we did.

But you didn't decide you were as your username suggests, lazy and went with both.

scarepanda

ted1 wrote:

But you didn't decide you were as your username suggests, lazy and went with both.

Who are you to say that they were lazy? It's their personal choice what surname their children go by. You might not agree with it, but they made the choice that was best for them and their specific situation.

lazygal

ted1 wrote: »

But you didn't decide you were as your username suggests, lazy and went with both.

You have no information on how and why we decided on all the names for our children so I suggest you stop making assumptions about other people's decisions.