How much 'spark' is needed...?

route9

Just looking for some opinions. I met a girl online a couple of months back and we've been seeing each other exclusively ever since - it's about 7 weeks now and while we didn't have 'the chat', we are both not seeing anyone else.

This girl is a sweet girl, she's great company and we have a laugh and I find her attractive of course. Not in a 'wow' way, but she is pretty and cute and if I saw her on a night out I'd defo be interested!

The thing is, I am not sure how interested I am, and whether I really want to commit into the future. I read another thread just now and someone mentioned about how relationships need that 'something extra' (may be paraphrasing) to move things onto the next level. I am not sure if that something extra or major spark is there, and I am doubtful that it will appear just out of the blue after two months.

While I get that sometimes these things can be slow and steady burners, I also don't want to waste her time and I am also at the stage (mid 30s) where I feel like there should be something really significant there if I am going to get into a serious relationship.

What do people think? If you are in a relationship, were you really feeling it from the get-go, or was it more along the lines of what I describe above...? Did you always look at them and really fancy them, or was it more like you thought they were cute / pretty and that was kind of it?

She texted earlier saying she has tickets to a gig at the weekend and was asking if I was free. I am and I'd like to go for sure, but it's not that I am feeling really excited - more just that it will be a nice night and we will have fun as usual.

silverharp

everyone is different , how does your reaction now compare to past relationships? if similar then maybe its just your personality otherwise maybe you just arent into her that much.

LegacyUser

7 weeks is not particularly long, but it's long enough that your question would have answered itself by now if the right feeling was there and that lack of feeling is the answer in itself.

9or10

Try and imagine she were no longer in your life. Maybe she's moved to Canada or met someone else.

How do you feel?

pookie82

Honestly OP, in the nicest possible way, it sounds like it's not "there" for you. At this point you should still be getting excited at the thoughts of just opening the door to her.

I think it would be fair at this stage to let her go find someone she can get serious with, not to mention yourself. If you're mid 30s and on the lookout for that special something that would spark a desire for life long commitment, this doesn't sound like it.

And although she sounds like the kind of girl a lad would tell he'd "love to stay friends as she's really fun", don't do that to her, either. It's not really fair if she's more invested than you are and holds on hoping you'll change your mind.

Xterminator

I dont think starting a relationship with someone you like is a bad starting point.

7 weeks at one date a week is almost no time at all. You still have a lot to learn about each other.
7 weeks living together can be like 7 years!! (and you get to know someone too well)

OP you said you just looking for other peoples opinion, and that grand. Mine is pursue the relationship/friendship until you are sure. But be honest with her too. If she hasnt asked you about being exclusive, or taking it to the next level etc then its not an issue, she may feel the same as you.

I think in virtually every relationship ever one partner is more invested than the other. Nothing out of the way there, as long as your honest, and treat OH with respect.

when you know what you want, then let her know too, and if its letting her down gently so be it. But i think you would be foolish to throw away a relationship before you are sure, just cause its not as good as the movies, or you old flame.

Passtheremote

If after 7 weeks you don't look forward to getting her over to get into her panties I'd hazard that you don't really fancy and desire her.

Lots of people compromise though.

LegacyUser

I don't know OP, I think when you're mid-30s, you've been on the dating scene for, say 15 to 20years? & dated how many girls?
Realistically you inevitably come to a stage where there's an element of "same old, same old" when it comes to date nights ect. Just because none of it is new or different to you. & that's going to be the same regardless of who you date.
In saying that, you should be excited about the physical aspect of things. If that isn't there at this stage, call it a day with this girl.

Airyfairy12

The older I get the less I feel that spark of excitement when I meet potential love interests or attractive men, I really think as people get older romantic idealization wears off and you become more realistic about the idea of love and romantic partners. If she's a nice girl that you can build a strong friendship with, you respect her and she respects you and attraction is there then I dont see why you wouldnt give it a shot. Does your dream woman have to be 'WOW' like you said?... are you someone your dream woman would want to date? Does your dream woman even exist?.. probably not!

route9

Thanks guys. It's a tricky one but it's interesting that someone mentioned the 'imagine she's going away' thing - that is something I've thought about and used as a test in the past myself.

Or, imagine if they wanted to just be friends - how would you feel. For me I think I would be surprised but probably not that disappointed.

It's a tricky one though especially as I don't have much of a frame of reference in terms of past relationships - I've been single for far longer than I've been in relationships, and I am really independent. I love to travel and have had my own business, etc. Aside from a brief 3 month relationship last year, I have been single for over 8 years and before that I was single for around 5-6 years.

The only time I've been crazy about a girl was when I was 16/17 (allowing for the teenage thing). So in fact while I've dated a LOT of girls all along the way, I haven't met anyone I've been mad about. Most of the time it has been the usual meet for a date and find out there is no chemistry on either side, or I fancy her but she isn't interested in a second date (or vice versa). There was one girl I met earlier this year and it really felt like it was going somewhere, I fancied her loads and we seemed to really click, but for some reason it just fizzled out on her side. I have been on lots of dates and do well that way, but have found it hard to find someone I really fancy where both of us really fancy each other!

With this girl it feels nice, it's comfortable, and we also live really near each other so we've seen a good lot of each other over the past 7 weeks - she will pop by after work and we'll hang out for the eve, go for dinner, etc. It's all very nice and the attraction is there and so on. But I don't feel any real excitement as such and I feel like I am at the stage now where if I am going out with someone I should be able to see myself with the girl for good, that I could see myself marrying her down the line, etc....and I am just not sure.

linpoo

From the sounds of it she's ticking all the boxes but it's lacking chemistry. You can't control who you get that with.

The fact that you described her as a "sweet girl" says it all I think.....

beks101

Maybe you're not the falling head-over-heels seeing-stars type? If it hasn't happened since you were a teenager, and you're now in your mid-30s...are you willing to wait another 20-odd years for something that might never happen?

I didn't get those giddy butterflies when I first started dating my OH. I fancied him, and liked him as a person, and couldn't wait to see him before every date - but the adrenaline and hysteria and electricity of previous flings I'd had didn't come to the surface. But what I can say is it was just easy right from the start, where every other relationship and dating scenario I'd had was the opposite. It was about so much more than wanting to rip each other's clothes off, right from the beginning - it was about a life partner, loyalty, someone to belly-laugh with and plan with. An emotional connection like I'd never had with another man before. A best friend, an ally.

You absolutely do need to connect, to click as people. But don't buy into the fairytale of fireworks, especially as you seem to have so rarely experienced it before. Can you see this person in your life ten years from now? Do you want the same things? Are you on the same team? Can you get on well with each other's families and friends? Can you fit into each other's lives and strive for the things you want together? How would you feel if she suddenly disappeared?

Fireworks can burn out very quickly when you do experience them. It's just a deep sort of lust, really, which can often dissipate as quickly as it appeared. And seven weeks is nothing. There's so much left to know and learn about each other. Don't overthink it. Your gut instinct will tell you what's best for you.

LegacyUser

OP, if you read this forum at all you will remember the amount of threads on here about sexless marriages. In my personal opinion, if there is no spark now, and there will never be a spark. You will then either become great friends and break up, or marry one another and live in a sexless marriage.
is this something you can see happening down the line?

You are not a teenager any more to be feeling the butterflies in your stomach, but there still needs to be what you call 'a spark'. And you should want to have sex with her. If you are not aroused by her and the thought of her, call it a day. What's the point otherwise.

Women in sexless marriages are also victims as they are not desired, if you want to think about it that way.

It's your life and only you will know the answer, follow your gut instinct, which is telling you (as you say yourself) that you wouldn't be that disappointed if she just wanted to stay friends. If you want to do things right, you need to think of her as well. How would you feel if she wrote the exact same thing, word-for-word, about you? Would you want to continue the relationship with her?

zoobizoo

Are you having fun?

Is she interesting?

Do you enjoy her company?

Do you enjoy sleeping with her?

route9

zoobizoo wrote: »

Are you having fun?

Is she interesting?

Do you enjoy her company?

Do you enjoy sleeping with her?

Great questions....and I have to say yes to each one!!

route9

beks101 wrote: »

Maybe you're not the falling head-over-heels seeing-stars type? If it hasn't happened since you were a teenager, and you're now in your mid-30s...are you willing to wait another 20-odd years for something that might never happen?

I didn't get those giddy butterflies when I first started dating my OH. I fancied him, and liked him as a person, and couldn't wait to see him before every date - but the adrenaline and hysteria and electricity of previous flings I'd had didn't come to the surface. But what I can say is it was just easy right from the start, where every other relationship and dating scenario I'd had was the opposite. It was about so much more than wanting to rip each other's clothes off, right from the beginning - it was about a life partner, loyalty, someone to belly-laugh with and plan with. An emotional connection like I'd never had with another man before. A best friend, an ally.

You absolutely do need to connect, to click as people. But don't buy into the fairytale of fireworks, especially as you seem to have so rarely experienced it before. Can you see this person in your life ten years from now? Do you want the same things? Are you on the same team? Can you get on well with each other's families and friends? Can you fit into each other's lives and strive for the things you want together? How would you feel if she suddenly disappeared?

Fireworks can burn out very quickly when you do experience them. It's just a deep sort of lust, really, which can often dissipate as quickly as it appeared. And seven weeks is nothing. There's so much left to know and learn about each other. Don't overthink it. Your gut instinct will tell you what's best for you.

Thanks for that Beks - so glad you wrote that! I think I was waiting for this post. I was leaving work earlier thinking about how it would be a shame if it ended, and then when I got home I realised I really wanted to text her after we hadn't been in touch all day (we always text a good bit during the day).

Totally agree with your advice of not overthinking it, and I always try to go with my gut. So if I am enjoying it so far, why question it too much? It is going to naturally evolve so no need for any pressure - let's just see where this goes

The poster with the questions above - great questions as I said and I have to say yes to each. I really enjoy her company, we have fun, we have in-jokes and have the craic and the physical side is pretty good too! She is heading away for almost two weeks on Tuesday and I know I am going to miss her for all of these reasons.

route9

Also defo not the fall head over heals type at all! I'm much more slow and steady, calm and very grounded. A couple of close friends have remarked that if I were any more easy going, I'd be asleep

SarahMollie

beks101 wrote: »

Maybe you're not the falling head-over-heels seeing-stars type? If it hasn't happened since you were a teenager, and you're now in your mid-30s...are you willing to wait another 20-odd years for something that might never happen?

I didn't get those giddy butterflies when I first started dating my OH. I fancied him, and liked him as a person, and couldn't wait to see him before every date - but the adrenaline and hysteria and electricity of previous flings I'd had didn't come to the surface. But what I can say is it was just easy right from the start, where every other relationship and dating scenario I'd had was the opposite. It was about so much more than wanting to rip each other's clothes off, right from the beginning - it was about a life partner, loyalty, someone to belly-laugh with and plan with. An emotional connection like I'd never had with another man before. A best friend, an ally.

Op, I have to completely agree with this, as this was my experience too. When I met my OH I was 27, had been in a few relationships and had had my heart broken in the past. I'd definitely say we clicked and I was excited about him but was it Disney movie fireworks? No, not really. This is in contrast to some earlier relationships (some short lived as they were such a bad idea!) in my late teens/early twenties when I had all the feelings :eek:

I put that down to it being a reflection of me aged 27 with the associated life experience, maturity and calmness that comes wtih age. Whilst I may have felt "fireworks" previously, non of those relationships stood the test of time as ultimately they werent right for whatever reason. So in my experience, fireworks are great for a fling but they tell you nothing about long term compatibility.

My OH now absolutely is everything I ever wanted. We're together 3 years at this point and recently engaged.

zoobizoo

route9 wrote: »

Great questions....and I have to say yes to each one!!

Great start to a relationship so.

Sometimes that spark is purely physical at the start and that covers up some other issues....

I guess what we all want in a proper relationship is longevity - and using the cliché "for someone to 'get' me".

That initial spark can go out pretty quickly when you find that they aren't all you thought they'd be.

I've had relationships with sparks flying the first couple of weeks, and then I found the conversations weren't great, they didn't get my humour or I didn't get theirs and things got boring pretty quickly.

Fridge

Maybe give it more time. But if you're not that into her and you feel like you might just settle, just consider that she may not actually appreciate that. Like if it comes out in 10 years that you didn't really ever fancy her, she'll feel like she completely wasted a decade when she could have been with someone else.

amtc

I still remember when I met the ONE. It was 28th December 1999. I can hear the song playing as we walked towards each other. Literally love at first sight. He had just moved to London and I spent more time in airports. Anyway it burnt itself out, mainly due an issue of which I knew nothing.

Then there was one which was a very close friendship. Until I had a bad car crash and rang him....voila...

veganrun

Interesting thread and I've been in a similar boat too. I've dated a few girls and with one or two I wasn't that sure how interested I was but I wanted to give things a chance to develop. For me the problem was that in my head I couldn't stop the "Do I really like her? Do I like her enough? Should I be liking her more at this stage? When does it become love? etc" It kind of drove me insane. One girl in particular it happened with and we ended up going our seperate ways after a couple of months. I guess it worked out as she ended up marrying someone else and while we got on well, I wasn't heartbroken when it ended.

Funny thing is, the next girl I started seeing a couple of years later it was completely different. When I first saw her I had butterflies in my stomach and I really liked her a lot. Unfortunately she ended it after a couple of months and while it wasn't love, for me, it was maybe heading in that direction.

My worry is that I won't feel the same way about anyone else but we have to just wait and see.

Lux23

route9 wrote: »

Great questions....and I have to say yes to each one!!

Then give it some time and see how things develop.

stateofflux

Imo. If you dont feel intense chemistry / lust over someone new and are questioning your attraction to them then you are wasting their time...and yours

LegacyUser

stateofflux wrote: »

Imo. If you dont feel intense chemistry / lust over someone new and are questioning your attraction to them then you are wasting their time...and yours

Thing is, this never lasts. The person who feels all this intense chemistry either feels insecure that the other person doesn't feel it and this leads to problems and incompatibility (almost never happens that the two are equally intense) or if both feel it, it crashes and burns. Sounds cynical, but it seems to be the way. People romanticise relationships that could never have worked, that the person was 'the one', but it's an illusion, because romance is an illusion and a projection of what a person would ideally like in their dream partner, but it's not real and that quickly becomes obvious. What works long term is friendship, a certain amount of pyshical attraction and compatibility. Sorry but boring is what works long term

stateofflux

I think you are trying to rationalize a lack of attraction. You only are only together 7 weeks. Its not going to suddenly go through the roof after 3 years.

irishguy1983

lkjh123 wrote: »

Thing is, this never lasts. The person who feels all this intense chemistry either feels insecure that the other person doesn't feel it and this leads to problems and incompatibility (almost never happens that the two are equally intense) or if both feel it, it crashes and burns. Sounds cynical, but it seems to be the way. People romanticise relationships that could never have worked, that the person was 'the one', but it's an illusion, because romance is an illusion and a projection of what a person would ideally like in their dream partner, but it's not real and that quickly becomes obvious. What works long term is friendship, a certain amount of pyshical attraction and compatibility. Sorry but boring is what works long term

Ummmmm....

Hope that is right - been on 5 dates with girl and there doesn't seem to be any intense chemistry and I'm not sure what to do...She seems to be holding back and so am I....Not sure what to do!! I can't seem to make up my mind whether I like or just seeing her for the sake of seeing someone...

LegacyUser

stateofflux wrote: »

I think you are trying to rationalize a lack of attraction. You only are only together 7 weeks. Its not going to suddenly go through the roof after 3 years.

He does need to feel attracted to her though, if he actually doesn't fancy her then he is wasting her time and his. I was talking about the intense thing that is always a bit one sided, based on lust and not really knowing the person, it's all a bit rushed and fake. There should be an attraction though otherwise you will get very bored.

route9

Ok guys all your advice was great, but I am still just not sure and I think I may have to have a chat with her. She is abroad at the minute but was looking to call me this evening (my time).

Should I talk to her later, or wait until she is home in a week's time? I think she may be a bit upset and surprised so I feel I should wait, but at the same time should I just let her know now? We should be chatting on a video call later - I feel it is much better for us to sit down together and chat, but that will be a week from now.

I do like this girl, we have fun and get along great - but I just feel there is something missing. I think that if she called it off then I would feel surprised but not gutted or anything. At this age I think I need to feel like the next girl I go out with is most definitely the one I am going to be with long term, 'the one' I guess. If I don't feel that now then I guess I am wasting both our time?

LegacyUser

Ah OP, just get on with it& call it a day.
All this dithering in itself tells it's own story.
She'll thank you for leaving her free to meet someone who will chase her, woo her, & basically just be mad about her.
Don't use her to fill a void in your life.
Don't assume that because ye're both in yer 30s, that she'll be grateful of any scrap of attention.
Women want LOVE , capital letters. So do men to an extent. But what you're feeling right now, isn't it. Do the right thing,& be honest.

tara73

route9 wrote: »

Ok guys all your advice was great, but I am still just not sure

I agree with poster above and this sentence of you says it all.
you are not sure.

whatever anybody else is saying about romace doesn't last and so on, might be true, but there has to be a genuine attraction at the beginning, emotionally and physically. if that's not present to a high extend, there's no need in hoping this will work out.
I speak from experience, if you're questioning the relationship after 7 weeks, you have your answer already.